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the NOCD Community

Hello, has anyone been admitted to the psych ward? How was your experience ?

Can someone who has been through this and gotten better please give me some support? I just need to know what it is like on the other side because it feels like it’s a myth atm. I feel like I’m losing my mind all day every day. I have an official diagnosis of schizophrenia which doesn’t help convince me I’m not losing it. My doctor wants to turn over my diagnosis for one of autism or OCD. Well I have had practically every OCD theme at some point even before the schizophrenia. I’m just feeling exhausted atm.

I didn't have any professional help yet.... I now can control my ocd tho it did a lot damage after ruining half of my life then i could finally control it... Ocd is still there but i have gained control over it... But now i (most likely) have adhd.. And it's destroying my life.. Upon that i have depression also... I now feel like before my life gets more worse for all of these illnesses i should seek help .. I thought and convinced myself since a long time that i can handle all of this myself only to Make Things worse without help.. Now i think i sud really seek help but the thing is My Parents know nothing absolutely nothing about My Mental illnesses.... And I'm unable to tell them cause they won't understand... How will i make them understand... How will i tell them this... I have no idea.. But if i don't tell now my life will just get more worse... I don't know what to do 😔

18+ only Aside from anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which to be honest I'm not as bothered by them like I used to be, there's something else that bothers me just as much, if not more than those things combined. That bothersome thing is pornography. It's been a bother in my life ever since I first discovered it when I was very young. It's always been messing with me. It's like this dirty secret that I engage with and I honestly don't know why I still do to this day. It doesn't help me. I feel bad about it every single time. It amplifies my anxiety and the other day it hurt a friend I deeply care about. The thing is, I've talked about this previously on here, so I just appear like a broken record. At this point, I'm addicted to it I don't want to be, but I am. This is something that takes advantage of your mind. Even if you say no, your mind won't. Worst yet, it appears everywhere in many forms. I feel so dirty. Everytime I end up relapsing I just feel horrible. Horrible due to the fact that this is associating with who I am, even though I don't think it aligns with my morals nor my goals. Not even close. I also feel like this stumped my social development in my adolescence. I understand that teenagers get all wonky with hormones and it isn't like I had a roadmap with going through high school, but pornography definitely made things more difficult. A lot of risky actions were made, bad decisions, and regretful imagery that to this day still messes with me from time to time. I thank God for the days I'm not being distracted and disturbed by those kind of thoughts 24/7. Today, I still think that's bothering me. Another thing that makes me sick is how easily extreme and zany videos can be even when you're not looking for those kind of things. I can Google one thing and it will either give me the opposite or something completely different. Unfortunately, this can include very disturbing things that I wish I wouldn't have seen. This is the only thing I feel so much shame for and I just want it to die. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Yesterday's relapse was one of the worst ones in a long time. I just don't want to keep dealing with this stuff anymore. I wish it were as easy as picking it up, and throwing it out, but the urges and the thoughts and the visualizations come back.

Hi! Does anyone here have a combination of these going on? I'm curious about your experience. As I learn about myself and my OCD, I'm also discovering that I've struggled with executive function for a long time. And I want to look at this now. Curious about your experience. Have a good Monday!

Does anyone who’s autistic and has ocd ever doubt the autism. My ocd makes me doubt the fact that I’m autistic, it always makes me believe that I’ve been misdiagnosed and I get anxious that I’m just a weirdo or something and that I’m just really dramatic when it comes to overwhelming situations, when they genuinely freak me out :( My ocd keeps making me doubt the fact that I’m autistic, even though a literal professional diagnosed me and it’s so obvious that I’m autistic!! Does anyone else relate???

Is it okay for me to have children/be around children when I have POCD? A little backstory. I have been suffering from intrusive thoughts for the last year and three months. They started off as being sexual thoughts about adults (picturing people naked, etc.). They then shifted to sexual thoughts about children. And these thoughts caused me an immense amount of guilt and shame to the point where I stopped doing what I love (babysitting, working with or around children) and even changed career paths (being a teacher). Now, my thoughts aren’t about children, but teens (so like 16-18 year olds). I am 20 years old and I have an overwhelming fear that I am “attracted” to minors. Both of these intrusive thoughts categories causes me a lot of self doubt and anxiety about ever becoming a mother. What if I am a monster? What if I touch my children inappropriately on accident? What if I become attracted to my children? What if I become attracted to my children’s partners? All of these fucking what ifs. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mom, and I know I would never hurt my children purposefully. But this is breaking my heart and no one around me understands. I don’t know what to do…

Some false memories feel more real that others…..why??? Is it because this one is “connected” to a real event ?? That is stressing me out

The day before Thanksgiving my boyfriend and I got into a stupid argument (he has been stressed with work) I called him to vent to him about something with my job. He texted me that morning and said, “good morning, I hope you have a great day.” “Aren’t you happy you get to put up your Christmas tree soon?” He told me that he started the day off positive and I am always negative. Long story short he ended up screaming at me over the phone telling me how I make him so mad and he doesn’t need me. He then proceeded to tell me if I was a man he would kill me. He also said I never want to see you again or hear your voice again and hung up the phone. I was so hurt and then he proceeded to call me when I was on the phone with my brother explaining what had happened. My brother said he is verbally abusive and I needed to get out. I never called back and he called me multiple times that night, but I did not answer. My father and mother said they would never give their blessing if he ever asked to marry me (family is super important to me). I was supposed to go to his family’s thanksgiving the next day and he called to ask if I was going and I had to tell him I couldn’t go because he hurt me. He said that he didn’t mean what he said, but I still told him I could not go and it broke my heart to tell him this. The last I heard from him he asked when he could come get his things and I told him I would leave them on his front porch and he said he preferred to come get them and I said I would leave them on my front porch. He replied and said nevermind I thought I could come get them with you having a little dignity and I told him ok when are you coming to get them and he never replied. I don’t know if I am in the wrong for ending things, but I feel like he ended them before I did…any support or advice would be appreciated ❤️

When my 6 year old daughter says to me “ normal Mums don’t have OCD” Broke my heart cause I wish I could be “normal”

I need a different perspective on this. I feel like I'm being run through the ringer. I'm doing what I can to avoid reassurance and not avoid triggers but I get triggered every day. I'm trying so hard to sit with the panic and the horror but it's so hard. It gets to the point I feel physically sick. Is there anything that I can do to help with this? I feel alone. I don't feel strong, I feel like a punching bag. Why is this so hard to master? I really want to know it gets easier. I've been suffering from POCD that has evolved and gotten worse and worse over the past eight months that has been torturing me multiple times on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning. I want to run away and hide because my life feel like it's seconds from being ruined. Please, please tell me this gets easier. That this ERP therapy will stop making me feel like I'm dying. The small moments of victory feel so brief only for me to get hit with another wave. There is so much uncertainty over such a horrific thing I feel ill. I feel afraid to be alone with my mind. Please if anyone out there can please give me tips on how to handle ERP. One moment I think I'm finally beating this thing and the next it's got me pinned and I'm terrified my life will be ruined. I want my peace back, I need help and I'm doing everything I can to resist compulsions but I feel so alone and dirty and disgusting. Please help me. Thank you for any advice 💕

Anyone on luvox/fluvoxamine? What medication has worked for you ? I was tapered from lexapro to luvox and just began my 4th week. My intrusive thoughts have been so strong so I emailed my psychiatrist and she raised my dose to 200 mg bid. Anyone with success? I was doing so well on lexapro for couple months then I started having intrusive thoughts again. Feeling like I might not find the right treatment. I am a new mother who began having harm/suicidal ocd after 3 Months of delivering my baby. My baby is 8 months old now. I love my baby very much so I’m very confused why this is happening.

Hey guys, how are you all doing? I have never posted on this, but thought maybe now was a good time. I got this app in April of this year when I was really at the lowest point of my OCD. At that point in April usually what I suffer from is shower OCD... I came on this app to see if anybody could relate as I have never met anybody that has OCD... or if I have it is those people that say that they have a bit of OCD but actually do not suffer from it, if you know what I am saying? For a long time, I was able to manage my OCD, I had it for 12 years, so I got it when I was 12, or that is when the signs became clear, then I got this OCD about showers, I would have to turn the lights off in the bathroom when I showered, maybe just leave a little bit of natural light in, I would wear gloves on my hands because the feeling of touching the shampoo bottles made me feel bad and dirty, if I did not pick up the bottle right, or if the gloves still made me have sensitive touch, I would add plasters to my fingers and add layers and layers of gloves (winter gloves) all in the hope that my touch would be disensitised and that I would be able to do what I had to do to make me feel better. I would also bring the clothes I had been wearing that day and throw them into the shower so that they could get wet or pre cleaned before putting them in the washing machine. Sometimes it manageable and I could take a shower in 20 mins no problem, and sometimes it could be 40 mins to an hour. When I came on this app, my OCD had got so bad that one day I took a shower for 5 hours straight. I was stuck in this ritual, I could not get my gloves on right, I was not touching them right, so I stayed 5 hours taking them off and putting them on until it felt right, I was exhausted both physically and mentally... a lot in my life had changed at this point also, I had just moved to another country with my boyfriend and started a new job and had a new apartment that was not permenant so there was a lot on my plate. Also, I worked in hospitality as a waitress, so I always had to look presentable. Due to my showers becoming long, I would go to work with wet hair and my new colleagues would ask me if my hair was wet or greasy. I felt horrible because I knew I could look better but my OCD was stopping me, and it had stopped me from looking my best and doing my best for years. That day I took that 5 hour shower, I knew something had to change. I came out thinking I cannot live like this. I said it to my boyfriend, I came out of the shower crying and shaking saying I cannot do this if this is going to be my life I cannot do this. I was exhausted. Also before that I had been so close to being late to work at my new job because I was stuck in the shower as somedays my showers could be 1 hour 2 hours or 3. I could never know. Until it got so bad that I took the shower for 5 hours. I knew something had to change but I knew it would be almost impossible to do. I was safe in this OCD lifestyle for so long. When I had taken showers before, it was a love hate relationship. I would hate being in there for x amount of hours or minutes, but I would always feel clean and better afterwards. My boyfriend was not aloud to touch me after immediately taking a shower, also he could only touch me in a certain way, which for me made sense but for him it did not. I knew that all of this was wrong, but with OCD it is almost like having an angel and a devil on your shoulder. You know you should not do it, but you also find comfort in doing it so you think it is good. I have had other OCDs too besides the showers, I had to wash everything in the shower and put it in the wash after. I could only ever wear everything once, then I would have to wash it, & that included shoes. I lost a lot of clothes like this as the shoes would break from the inside and my clothes would become tattered looking. I used to message people and type emails in all capitals. I still do it sometimes but the impulse is not there like it was before. I had done all these impulses for so long (12 years)... sometimes the obsessions would change, for example I used to wash money and then one day it just stopped and I did not need to do it anymore, but something else would take the place of the old obsession and it would create a new one. Finally, after that 5 hour shower, I decided I cannot do this anymore. What is the worst thing that can happen to me if I do not give in to temptation? Nothing happened. Did I feel weird? Yes of course I did. I felt like I was not clean I was not right and that I cannot go out of the house like this. I had to do it. I went full on cold turkey. I stopped using gloves in the shower. I stopped turning the lights off while I was in the shower. I stopped bringing my clothes into the shower. I stopped typing in capitals. I stopped every compulsion or obsessive thought that I ever had. I wanted out. I already felt like I was going through torture when I was exhausted from being stuck in the shower, I thought I might as well push the limits. I hated it I am not going to lie. I did it for me, but to be honest I did it mainly for my boyfriend. I could not bring him down this road I was on by watching me self distruct myself any more. I knew that if something did not change I was going to lose him sooner or later. It was one thing for my OCD to take over my life, but I could not let it take over his life too, so I changed everything I did. I took 10 minute showers, I took 5 minute showers. If we were going out for dinner, he would usually have to wait for me to get ready for about 4 hrs. Now I was getting ready faster than him. It was hard, but it was also great. Finally I looked better than I had in such a long time. All the stuff that I could not do when I had OCD I now did them. I could straighten my hair I could put make up on. I could wear the clothes twice without having to wash it. I could dry my hair after a shower. I had won sooo much time. I could sleep in before work and I did not have to worry the night before hand that I would have to wake up super early to go into a shower for 2 hours and already be exhausted after taking a shower and then have to go to work. I have never taken any medication, and I have never had any form of theraphy. I think what happened to me was that I had seen my life flash before my eyes, and if I did not change something fast I would be left with nothing, and I would have no value of life at all. It is just sad, that it had to get so bad to a point where I did not want to live anymore, for me to see that I have to get out of this. It will never be fully gone, but at least I have my life back! I know this was so long! I just hope that somebody can relate to this! & if you have any questions please ask me, I want to help, but I am not a professional. It is just nice to share our stories. If it helps anybody than I am happy that I could help. This struggle is not forever. If you asked me this time last year would I be here writing about how my OCD has got much better I would never ever believe you! & I am not just saying that! It can go away ❤️

Anyone feel like you have ruined your life through giving into ocd compulsions? Or the choices you made in life that led to ocd symptoms getting sparked in the first place? I know healing is very possible, but right now i am remembering so many important moments in my life that have been “robbed” by ocd… :( I know this may continue to happen. The intrusive thoughts. The numb emotions. The constant checking to see if I’m in the present moment, which is exactly what takes me from the present moment. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices so my ocd didn’t flair up and rob important moments in my life that I had dreamed of for so long. Feeling bitter. Have you been where I am right now?

Hi everyone, I’m mostly just coming here to vent because I need somewhere to let out my emotions and hopefully I can find somebody else who has went through something similar. On Tuesday of this past week, my fiancé and I were in the kitchen making food and it started to get smoky. My fiancé opened the side door a little bit to let out the smoke and prevent the smoke alarms from going off. He didn’t realize the lock was broke and our dog got out. I walked out of the house to look for the dog, and a guy a few houses down said is this your dog? I said yes, and walked towards him (it was around 6:30 at night so it was mostly dark). I then heard him say “you came out just in time because I was about to shoot it”. At this point I’m standing by his yard and he tells me my dog ran down the road. I turn to go after her, and she comes back towards me. She was standing about 15 feet away from him at this time, and is just sniffing the ground by the road. He pulls out a black pistol and points it at her and at me (she was about 15 feet away from me as well, so it was obvious that it was pointed at me too and not just her because he had to move his arm to point it towards her). I said I was calling the cops and he said he didn’t care because he has his conceal carry license and can legally have the gun. So I call 911 while trying to catch my dog and he keeps saying “get your f***ing dog b****” and kept telling me his safety on his gun was off and that he was ready to shoot. I caught my dog and the cops showed up. They said it’s just his word against mine so there is nothing they can do. He admitted to them that he had the gun pointed at the dog, and said he overreacted, but obviously he wasn’t going to tell the cops he pointed it at me too. My dog is scared of other people, so I know she didn’t mess with him or his dog. When I take her to the dog park, she whines and yelps because she is scared of other dogs. Well anyways, my point to this post is that I’m now terrified to take my dog out because I’m scared he will see me and find out where I live. He didn’t see me leave my house or go into my house, so he doesn’t know which house is mine. My neighbor also told me she’s seen him driving down the road and slowing down in front of our houses (we live in a duplex) and trying to figure out which one I live in. My neighbor is schizophrenic and she often says stuff like this that isn’t true, but it has me terrified. I’ve had nightmares for years that somebody would hand me a pistol that was cocked and I would have no clue how to uncock it without shooting it. I think this stems from my ex brother in law living with my family and being afraid of him. This event has really affected me and I keep having nightmares about guns again, and even thinking that random people in the store and stuff have guns and then when I look at them again they obviously don’t have anything.

I feel like I’ve been disappointing people a lot lately, which cumulated into a disagreement with a family member today where they were hurt and disappointed by a choice I made. I feel awful for having hurt them and wrote an apology letter to give before I leave tomorrow, but I’m a little worried I have a toxic/self centered mindset and I’m not genuinely taking responsibility. While I feel horrible for my role and how I made them feel by a choice I made, part of me feels hurt as well and slightly wronged since I felt like they, from a place of not understanding, made me feel like my struggles were minimized. BUT, I’m also a really big advocate that mental health should never be an excuse for harmful behavior/choices and know that I made this decision because if my anxiety and it’s not excusable. I’m worried that, if I still feel a certain way about part of the interaction, then the responsibility isn’t legitimate— while I know I played a part and need to change something, I still ~feel~ as if I’m not totally in the wrong and could have used some understanding, but again that’s me placing some responsibility on something outside of myself and using mental health as a poor excuse. I just feel so confused— I can’t tell if I’ve been hurt, if I’m toxic, if I’m manipulative, if I just made a bad choice, if I’m using ocd too much as an excuse, etc., so if this post seems manipulative or anything please let me know and I’m very sorry if it is So with this, how can I check if I’m taking proper responsibility for something like this and I’m not playing the victim? How can I assess if I’m actually the problem, and what steps can I take to change this?

Has anyone with hocd who has recovered realized their thoughts were true? And that they weren't straight?

So I’ve been doing erp since the summer, and while things are a lot better, I still struggle with certain aspects/types of ocd. With this, I currently got an increased prescribed dose and are instituting more planned exposures. I had a chance to do a good exposure today but didn’t do it because I was so afraid. One of my first ocd themes before I was diagnosed with religious/scrupulosity ocd, which has led me to avoid most things religion-related and am terrified of the intrusive thoughts that come with going to church. Since all of my siblings and I are home for thanksgiving, my parents wanted to go to church this morning, but I was so so so scared. The exposures I’ve been doing have been putting a Bible on my desk, opening the Bible, playing an iocdf religious video, etc., which while they are small, really freak me out still but are getting better. But getting dressed and going to the church from high school? Irrationally it seemed like a lot and I really didn’t want to go. When it was time to leave, I said that I wouldn’t go if that was ok, and my mother said that she was really disappointed but I could make my own choices. When they get home, she asked why I wouldn’t go (she knows I have ocd) and I didn’t want to go into this whole conversation infront if everyone about my religious intrusive thoughts, so I said that I was just tired and wanted to do some work, and when she asked if there was anything else, I said that church sometimes made me anxious so it was hard to go to sometimes. She then said that she doesn’t ask for a lot of us (which she doesn’t, she’s a fantastic mother), and the one time she wanted me to do something was for us all to go to church. She was hurt that I couldn’t get over whatever my problems were with church to do something for her that was important. And I feel absolutely horrible. I hate that this hurt her so much, and even though I understand myself why I was so afraid, that doesn’t excuse using mental health as an excuse for hurting people. But the worst part is that I would do it again, I’m so selfishly afraid to go that I would do it again. And I wasn’t as honest as I should have been because I was afraid if the conversation. So I’m trying to apologize (not go into the detail of my thoughts, but say that that’s something that really distressed me at the moment, and it’s ok if she doesn’t understand, but if she could accept that I’m working on it one step at a time. And specify that this wasn’t a sign that I didn’t love or respect or wouldn’t do things for her, just that I wasn’t ready for this step right now). But I also don’t know whether to do it in person tonight (likely have a kind back and forth, possible be pressured to share the content of my thoughts, possible put a damper on the rest of the night) or write it in a note to leave when I return back to school. Do y’all think one is better than the other? Not sure exactly why I’m posting this, I’m just feeling alone and horrible since idk if people quite understand how afraid I am, but I also hurt someone and want to make it right to what extent I can.

I have been in a miserable mood for 3 days in a row I can’t feel fine because all my thoughts believe that god want me to convert my religion and although I am very convinced by it and I studied it by heart and whenever i look up smth I believe in it more my inner voice keep telling me no that’s not what god want see you are praying to someone else and my mind focus on signs against my will while there are other signs that comes along with what i want and interpret what I want as if it is from the devil and I feel I can’t trust myself bec it feels liks i ak dispbeying god anyone can help?

Is it possible to recover from homosexual OCD? All of sudden it seems like I am attracted by women. This gives me an enormous sense of sadness, disgusting and terrible feelings. At the same time, it seems like I could actually be lesbian for real and I should accept myself for who I am. However, I don’t like the fact that rather than a pleasure, it’s an obsession and the idea of being lesbian makes me feel sick and depressed. It’s been like this for three months now. Prior to this I had suffered with eating disorders and memory OCD ( I was obsessed with my memory) .. I am seriously concerned that all this will impact my intimacy life and I won’t be able to have a stable relationship. I feel hopeless and discouraged.