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how to deal with what ifs 😣

I wanted to look up videos of how to recover from Bi sexual ocd but it’s a theme I struggled w back in 2018 and it went away and ever since i was living my life and now it’s back … literally went from harm ocd to bisexual ocd and now I’m getting extreme false attraction and groinal responses. And I saw a TikTok girl saying she had intrusive thoughts about being a lesbian and she came out as lesbian 4 years later and I just can’t stop sobbing. I don’t wanna be attracted to girls I’m sorry. Nothing against them but I feel grossed and can’t accept it. I can’t even do erp because I cannot accept these thoughts. My third time w this theme- what if I’m in denial? Can someone please help me overcome this??

It feels that my brain is constantly going and thoughts are racing. I think they are intrusive thought but I’ve been doing my best not to question and just accept them as thoughts and let them pass through. My anxiety usually sits around 4-5 out of 10 and feels manageable. However, I feel like my brain naturally just wonders and does it own dialogue which has elements of self reassurance and rumination embedded in it. It’s very frustrating because I am not directly doing it and I feel like it is possible holding me back. Does this happen to anyone and do you have tips?

Just to preface, I'm getting help. I'm currently waiting for a referral from the HSE and I'm attending fortnightly support groups online. I'm just using this to rant I suppose. It's a long read though so I'd back out now aha. It's also messy AF TRIGGER WARNING: GROOMING, MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, MENTIONS OF SA The more I've started looking back at my childhood the more everything starts to make sense. It's only now I'm realising that I might have been groomed online when I was 8. I never called it grooming cause it never fit the description, but talking to other victims of grooming they've told me it was. I was introduced to MSP and Moshi Monsters when my Nana passed away. During her funeral/mouring (I can't remember if it was during the funeral or if it was weeks after) my dad set up an account on Moshi Monsters for me. I suppose I used these games as an escape and to talk to my friends on there. I was exposed to sex and I met some weird people on Movie Star Planet. I felt so scared by these people, I genuinely don't know if they were my age, older teens or actual adults. I'll never know cause the chatlogs are gone. I remember one instance that made me so uncomfortable. A group of people were in my room in the game and they sexual comments towards me and they'd act out sex in the game and tell me to join in. One day I'm listening to the radio, a mother is concerned about kids games online being targeted by pedos. And this is when my life changed for the worse. I genuinely thought I was in trouble and the police would be barging down my door. This, along with the death of my Nana just completely broke me. I started getting scary intrusive thoughts about wanting to hurt myself, especially *there*. I'd basically a mental breakdown and had to be sent to CAMHS. They thought I was schizophrenic and that I was raped. I vividly remember "the ladies" interviewing me and wouldn't let me out until I told them a thought I was having. I remember having to take a few days off school. I couldn't sleep, I had to take this medicine prescribed from the nurse to help me sleep. My mum had to be in my room while sleeping cause I'd just start having massive panic attacks and crying hysterically. During the days off, I was with my dad playing games on the PS and whatnot. I remember getting my barbie and Ken dolls, acting out the sex I saw in the game, and loudly saying "look Dad they're having sex!". Understandably my dad FREAKED out. Not at me, but ofc I thought I was in trouble. He was fuming, I'd be too! My mum had to console me and I just "confessed" about the chat rooms and the weird people online. I just remember crying into her shoulder and I couldn't stop. I had to go to my therapist and talk about what happened. I couldn't even utter the word sex, I had to write it down to her while having a panic attack. I eventually got diagnosed with anxiety and autism. Got some CBT sessions and after a few years I was "fine". I don't really want to write out everything about this part so I'll leave it. That shit was traumatic though, and I honestly felt like my childhood just died then and there. Life has been plauged with anxiety since. And looking back, I'm quite mad that I wasn't diagnosed with OCD sooner. I've spoken to some therapists and they've agreed that the intrusive thoughts (and some other instances, for example I fully convinced myself I murdered someone and that I stole a toy from a shop) sounded like OCD. Anyways I was "fine" until 14 when I had another breakdown. Got therapy for my anxiety but I started to notice a weird theme. I was so scared of adult men preying on me. So much so that I convinced myself that one of my teachers was a predator and that I was keeping this "secret". Why? Cause he was my only male teacher and I heard stories online about them being weird. I knew it wasn't true and I felt so bad about thinking this. It wasn't just my male teacher though, it was genuinely any man. I was so paranoid about predators, not just for myself but for my friends and my little cousins. Then one day when I was 15, it just flipped, what if I'm the predator? And then that's when shit hit the fan. I couldn't deal with that. I was so panicked about this, and it must have been true. I thought I'd have to keep this a secret till the grave. I didn't understand why I was having these fucked up thoughts. I thought, maybe I was trying to see from a predators POV? Didn't make any funking sense but I was so scared of this. It wasn't until months later I confessed this to my mum. The same way as the grooming thing, on the same shoulder crying my eyes out. Thankfully my mum KNEW I wasn't a horrible person, and that there must be some reason why I'm having these thoughts. One day she watched a British soap called Doctors. Some guy thought he was a pedo, turns out he had OCD. My mum was like "oh my god that's Ivy to a T!". I came home from school and she told me. My first thought was "OCD? Sure isn't that the cleaning thing?" (I was so uneducated). I won't write out everything but eventually 2 years later I got an OCD diagnosis. Why did I write this? Well I'm just trying to put the pieces together. I'm now realising my POCD theme didn't start when I was 15, it started when I was 11! I'm remembering these thoughts and paranoia I was having. I won't go into details but it's interesting how OCD has really plauged my life, and I'm glad I'm starting to understand how it did. I'm also starting to understand *why* I'm having a POCD theme. I'm certain it's from the grooming. I don't know though, once I talk to the therapist that'll help with the OCD I'll know if it played a part in the theme. Protecting children from pedos was a massive passion of mine, it just freaked me out once my OCD turned it onto me. Sorry for writing this monstrosity aha. It's been on my mind for a few weeks now. It's only in the last while that I've been delving into my childhood truama. I'm sure there's other stuff I've yet to uncover but I'm happy I've kinda gotten somewhere and that I'm finally in a stable enough place to delve into it. Thanks for reading if you have. I just needed an outlet to rant cause I've been having a bit of a shit night thinking about it.

Im pretty sure I am being gaslighted into believing I’m overreacting. I am on holiday in the US and visiting family. These trips are always difficult for me as I have contamination ocd, particularly with bedrooms and bathrooms, bodily odours and fluids. My aunt keeps farting around me and in my room, even when I’ve told her not too. She laughs about it everytime because of the reaction of pure disgust that I have. I can’t share bathrooms, I’ve been given my own ensuite by my family and she keeps using the bathroom, leaving it in a state and I struggle so much with bathrooms and she just gets defensive when I get frustrated. She was dirty and sweaty and decided to nap in my bedsheets, and leave my bed a mess when she has a perfectly good bed downstairs to sleep in. I know have to spend ages cleaning my room And making myself feel comfortable again. She’s ruining my holiday and my whole trip. I keep fighting with my mum about it, and I just had an outburst about it all and I think I’ve upset her. But why keep doing something over and over again when you know that person struggles with contamination fears?

how it honestly feels portrayed as a drawing, it was a very anxiety-inducing battle for these past few months but thanks to exposure response prevention and just sitting with my discomforts, it's definitely been worth the hassle

I used to suffer from religious OCD a little but later I recovered pretty well. I've been an atheist/agnostic most of my life and I want to adhere to those beliefs because they are what I truly am. These beliefs are part of me, which I think is the reason for OCD trying to convert me to Christianity- absolutely involuntarily. It's trying to scare me with thoughts of hell and all my loved ones going there but I do like my secular life the way it is, I don't want to start believing in sins the way they are defined in the Bible because I know it would ruin my life. But my obsessive need to "protect" others is telling me I should follow Christian rules "just to make sure". Not to offend anyone, but I really don't want to. What do I do??

I just had a moment where I confused my intrusive thoughts for “hearing voices” and now I’m freaking out… anybody ever experienced this?

If you believe in God or a higher power, how do you incorporate God or how do you see God in all of this OCD nonsense? My faith has held me steady for a long time in the past, but since I went down the rabbit hole a few weeks ago, I’m now either doubting God cares or am convinced this anxiety and panic is bc I’ve done something to deserve it. Is this just another obsessive theme and reasoning?

--> what is real? People can rest with "everyones reality is different, i believe what i want" but that makes me bad, like i can choose what i believe,what will make me happy,thats egotistic. What is the truth? Even the words of God(bible) is percieved differently by people, then how do i know what is God actually saying? It feels like i just make a reality that makes me feel good but thats not reality.

I always wanted to have tattoo and even more now since I can whenever I want, but always had some false thoughts about it and fears that don’t let me do it. I know the better way to respond to that is to get it if I want to because « even if » I love tattoos and OCD shouldn’t take that away. But the fears are really hard to not think about, like I’m afraid if I gain weight one day they will be ugly forever and will forever loose the emotional meaning they add. What about if one day I loose memory and don’t like it again? Even if I know I will forever love it, also scare about the fact that I will never go away, and that’s what I want but the UNCERTAINTY like « forever » or WHAT IF this or that.. is really hard to forget!! I have many many other fears about tattoos and I just want to have my favorite things on my body it will help me to love myself more and fight ocd because I love the idea of do it EVEN IF. So I wanted to know if someone experienced the same things as me?

Hi — I am in the grips of a very bad health ocd challenge. I am convinced I am dying so I can’t focus on anything happening in the future (bc I am convinced I will not be alive to experience these things). I am wondering if anyone has insight into what you do to distract yourself from these intrusive thoughts when they are this intense. As in, any tactics or strategies that have worked for you? Part of my challenge is I have a physical symptom that acts as a trigger so it is hard to escape. Thanks for your help.

-TMI warning, but I have to get this out of my head- When will these shenanigans end? My cortisol is generally through the roof first thing when I wake up. I get a racing heart and high anxiety symptoms and my thoughts race like horses. This is not ideal for a person whose digestive system is regular when they wake up and has issues with bathroom contamination stuff, lately with solid waste. Every morning there seems to be an "issue". Today it has to do with a crumbly, loose bit of 'stuff' on the toilet paper near the end of wiping, after a couple clean passes. It happens. A 'normal' person might think, "ok, that's fine, it's gone off you and disposed of." I am positive I kept wiping after that to ensure cleanliness--otherwise I never would have stood and left--but of course brain is now doubting. When I stood to pull up my undies, of course brain goes, 'what if something else crumbly fell out/off of you and is now in your pj pants?'. Something like that has NEVER happened to me, that I can remember. I washed my hands and then shook them out in the tub. Some dark lint and maybe fuzz fell off--not the colour of my current 'stuff', so get out of here, doubt--I pulled up and went back to bed. Of course, brain goes, 'what if it didn't come off when you shook them out/was inside the pantleg and there's feces in your bed now? On your body pillow? Your shirt? Your plushie? You'll contaminate yourself again and again. You'll spread it through the house and make someone sick.' It's also saying, 'what if it's still in there and on your legs? You should shower. If you don't you're just making excuses by blaming your brain and being irresponsible.' I am so anxious I feel nauseous. I am resisting checking. I am not going to shower. I am not changing my bedding. I am not telling my mother to inform her what I am choosing to do--that's like confessing and a tactic to reduce anxiety I unfortunately give into often. It's fine, there's nothing to tell. (Besides, she has become quite annoyed with me doing so...) I have given into thoughts like this before and spiralled with showering, changing clothes and towels, etc, then when it was all over and I calmed down I could see how unnecessary all those "precautions" were. I refuse to do these things because of some inane doubt, because of what if questions. I was confident I was fine when I left the washroom. Brain pulls this with me so often and so far nothing has happened each time. (No, I don't think this is the exception!) This kind of thing makes me dread getting up in the morning. I think I made a mistake by shaking out my pants in the bathtub. That's basically checking. Wish me luck, folks...

I’m constantly going back and forth about whether i have it or not. From yesterday i feel like i dont know who my partner is. His face doesn’t come to my head when i think about him. And it’s really freaking me out. I don’t want this to end. I knew how old me felt about him and i want to feel that way again. I want to think about him and feel happy. Idk why my brain keeps telling me “he is just another man” when he is much more than that.

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

So five years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life and chatted with other women online I felt so disgusted and dirty and told my partner everything I smoked alot and I mean alot of marrijuanna at the time and wasn’t thinking clearly no excuse but!my partner was angry but said we could move past it and she forgave me,now five years later the thoughts of what I did are plagued I’m my brain and I’m scared I will lose her even though she was over it five years ago I feel like a bad person partner and feel absolutely worthless 😢my brain is even fabricating false memories to make me think I did worse things it’s so hard to not be able to believe in myself and the truth like I was honest about my mistakes and it just seems pointless to have been so honest if I am still suffering from these events,I think it’s typically bad because I have very good morals and to do something like that just is completely the opposite of my usual behaviour I treat my partner like a queen for ten years but I can only think of the one bad thing I did,sorry for the long post I hope someone can relate and help me even just a little

Im doing acid with my friend tomorrow. It might be a really stupid idea. But I love psychedelics. Im just really worried for my ocd. But handling ocd and trips are very similar, you just ride the wave, you feel the uncomfortable feelings and get through it. I don’t want this to go out of control but maybe lsd can give me some fresh personalized insight from myself. I want this so bad to go well but I just need to let go, and be uncomfortable. Maybe I will just do half a tab lol

Everyone wants to be comfortable. But for those of us with OCD, seeking comfort paradoxically leads to continued discomfort. If you’re trying to get comfortable, that means you’re hoping to reduce your anxiety by doing a compulsion, making your OCD worse and all but guaranteeing you more discomfort in the near future. Trying to get comfortable doesn’t work if you want to tame OCD. People who win against OCD wrap themselves up in discomfort, actively searching for ways to get uncomfortable as a new way of life. They create a tectonic shift in how they approach their days, going from “I hope nothing triggers my OCD today” to “I'm going to look for opportunities to make my OCD anxious and uncertain. I hope I'm bombarded by so many triggers that OCD passes out!” This “go for the gusto” attitude is exhausting, yes, but it’s also exhausting for OCD. OCD thrives in a carefully curated, avoidance-centric world where it knows what to expect, like a snow globe perched just out of reach so that careless children can’t upset its delicate winter scene. But the attitude taken by successful OCD tamers is that they are going to turn OCD’s world upside down. They are going to give the snow globe to the kids because, hey, snow globes are meant to be shaken. If this sounds like a radical attitude that’s not all that practical, consider what Susan David says in her TED Talk, "The gift and power of emotional courage": “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” People who win against OCD sacrifice comfort for meaning. But do it self-compassionately. FULL ARTICLE CONTINUES HERE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/beyond-the-doubt/202001/3-ways-power-your-ocd-therapy

I have an issue just being around certain people, just being near kids, or certain people, not everyone, but most people in general, so I went to the store today, and ofcourse it was a madhouse, so now I just feel off, trying not to compulsion, I didn't run to the shower, but it seems like my mind makes it "more important" as time goes on, why won't it ease off? I have had OCD since I was a kid, I'm 35, but it seems like the more I fight it, the more shit my mind fabricates to make compulsions, I literally get pissed at myself, repeating hand washing patterns 10+ times just because it didn't "start out right" like am I too dumb to count to 1? 😕 I am having a rough time, and it has been ongoing for over a year, I can't even catch a reprieve, it's just non-stop, it use to fluctuate, I could reason with myself, but I feel like I have lost control, any responses are welcome, I don't need reassurance necessarily, just want to see if anyone else has similar issues, I can deal with "being" OCD, but I need to be able to manage to pee, or wash up, or brush my teeth without feeling like I have to wash up to my armpits for 20minutes, I KNOW I should only be doing 30 seconds, I KNOW counting is counter productive, but I don't know how to control it 😕

Sigh... I was filling up the keurig to make a tea when suddenly brain goes, "did I forget to wash my hands after going to the washroom last?" Like. Really, brain? YOU are the one making me wash up my forearm every time. YOU are the one making me wash my hands again after doing that exact thing, for fear that the arm recontaminates them. Would I, someone who's been desperately afraid of contaminating others with my bathroom germs since late November (ish) of last year, EVER forget to do something like THAT? I smelled my hands. Scent of the particular soap in my washroom was there. Went up to investigate: the bottom of the sink was wet, and there were "fresh" drips on the countertop. (I recorded this in my journal near the time but I KNOW the doubt will resurface later) I made and drank my tea anyway. Sat with the anxiety for awhile... ended up giving into washing the keurig reservoir and my mug in the sink, lysol wiping a number of other things... I know. It's so far out of character for me to "forget" to do that it is completely absurd. Thing is, I wash my hands up there so frequently that I cannot pick out the specific memory and brain is going to TOWN with that. It's freaking about my clothes being contaminated now... I am not changing. I will wear my robe again. I'm throwing the rest of my coins into the "I did the thing shut up brain" fountain and leaving whatever else it comes up with to "fate". It feels... really horrible, like I'm deliberately inviting my mother's death/illness from contamination of kitchen stuff, but... I also, despite what I've already given into, don't really believe this thought. Yes, it's scary if true, but... it came out of nowhere. Do intrusive thoughts come in this colour too? Daily, I get them with the "did I step in/touch/etc. this nasty thing?" shade, which usually leads to arguing with my brain and other no-nos of anxiety... hm. I feel like I am treading into dangerous territory. Not necessarily that my decision will create what I fear, but if I am doubting memories of doing important washing... will this throw me into a deeper pit, if I cannot even be certain of the measures I take? Even the reasonable ones? Good lord. I'm getting older, but am still too young for a faulty memory like this. Thanks for reading folks. Just had to get this off my chest. I am holding onto the hope that things will be fine and that I won't end up double or triple washing in future just to cement to my fool brain that it was done at all, let alone properly...