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Hi! So, I’m struggling with an OCD where I think of situations of intimacy with others other than my partner and it messes with me because I know I do not have any feelings towards others or any other desires. I’ll question why I feel okay, and then my mind will invite what it would feel like with another person and I immediately try to switch back. It’s scary because I do not want anyone except my partner, I love him more than anything. My OCD makes me believe that the fact that I have these thoughts means that there is intent to have lustful feelings towards others even though THAT IS NOT THE CASE!! I feel disgusting and guilty for having these thoughts even though I know thoughts are NOT facts!! I know my heart is with my man and I shouldn’t be paying any attention to those thoughts and just labeling them as OCD. I just finished journaling, but it does help to communicate with people who have knowledge in this field. I’m seeing a therapist but this community is awesome. I hope I get some responses. Thank you for the support everyone!

its been 2 weeks since i lost my best friend due to a seziure and i’ve been struggling so badly with scidial ocd and death anxiety.. i get thoughts of “what if i’m next” or “what if i don’t make it in life at this young at 17“ because she was 16 and her birthday was a few days after she passed then i have my scidal ocd thoughts that been with me since january i’m so annoyed when i get these thoughts still of “oh what if i’m actually scidal?” or “what if i want to actually do it” and it gets me so frustrated then everytime i look at a knife i get this thought in my brain “pick it up and stb yourself in the wrist” and it’s a constant thoughts and im like noo please noo but the other day i had a therapy it went okay i guess… but i was telling her about losing my best friend and telling her i’m still highly aware that it’s ocd… she was like well a psychiatrist would diagnose u with ocd then she asked if i pay attention to numbers and im not for sure sometimes i don’t even know my compulsions.. but i do repetitively like tell people my thoughts so i’m guessing that’s repetitive reassurance.. ofc the same thoughts that happen: “what if i hurt myself” “what if i want it to happen” “do i want it to happen because i’m going through a lot” “i don’t want it to happen… but what if there is a reason to” but it makes me nervous that i’m afraid it’s true because i think this happens from a tramatic experience from losing a classmate even tho i wasn’t as close with her it tramatized me bc she passed away due to s*cide and i guess that’s why it started my fear because she had mental issues but she also did drugs and that started that crazy maze with my thoughts.. but not the only thing after when my best friend passed away at the funeral it was a open casket, she was rlly pale and it was rlly scary i use to constantly check myself to make sure i wasn’t gonna turn pale but it calmed down but every Wednesday night i was having trouble sleeping because i was having racing thoughts while i was sleeping so i guess i was sleeping very light but i get scared i will die in my sleep… because my best friend passed away on thursday 2 weeks ago and i stay up at a certain time because i’m scared something is gonna happen to me abut my therapist still hasn’t figured out saying if i have ocd or not but i’m so stressed with my therapist and i have money issues in my family so it’s hard to get therapy sessions with low money and my parents work a lot but also to mention i might change to nocd it’s just nothing feels right now like i’m soon gonna be 18 in july im just so stressed my mental health has gotten bad… and when i get recommended coping skills i feel like it’s not working or i’m having trouble understanding the way of it… but i have a learning disability it’s not close to being dislexic but i have trouble understanding reading or getting the idea of something.. and i’m scared that’s why my coping skills isn’t working so i get thoughts like “what if i try to cope and it doesn’t work then that’s when i hurt myself” and i’m just so fricking tired of it i’m trying so hard like how do u sit there with it hello? sometimes when i have the thoughts in the back of my head i’m like oh well it’s gone where did it go? then it comes back yk? because it’s like a daily thought obsession im like i wish it could magically disappear without having a single thought of it… my compulsions are ressurance and rumination which makes me so mad that it happens because i have mental compulsions.. sometimes i feel like “what if i don’t have ocd and what if it’s real and stuck like this the rest of my life?” i’ve also been getting closer to god and i’ve been praying and ik he’s here with me i’ve just been impatient and it takes time ik it does i’m just so annoyed feeling this everyday..

not sure if this has to do with OCD, as I’m not diagnosed. so recently, I have been just living day to day. there are times when I’m hanging out with my little brother (17) & we just crack jokes. he’s the one that often does. I guess he’s the ‘comedian’ of the family, as my dad says. anyway, sometimes I’ll say something extra just for a giggle or without putting much thought. it’s usually like a noise or like a few words. well, recently he’s been doing jokes as usual but when I add something, he stops smiling & then either says “you’re not funny” or “it was funny until you said/did _____” I found it quite rude but just shrugged it off the first few times. he did it again today as I went to the bookstore with my family. he didn’t wanna come but my dad forced him to so he popped a joke & said “I was taken against my will. got chained like a dog” & I did like a dog sound “roof roof” but not for it to be funny. it was just like a stim to do a dog noise, idk. but he said that again and I just stayed silent. I tried to not let it get to me but it’s just beating me down. I feel like it’s feeding into my insecurities that I’m not funny & I guess internalized sexism. it triggered memories of how I read comments from men back then how women aren’t funny and they just were awful. I feel like I’ve seen so much from them that my mind prefers when guys say jokes & cringe when chicks say jokes. I hate it. the stupid guys online made me dislike or feel embarrassed when a woman does something that isn’t even cringe. like I have wanted validation from them. I don’t know. now I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not good enough as a woman. if I get upset, then I fear I’ll be not taken serious because apparently according to some people, women are “emotional creatures” & I guess it’s normal to feel strong emotions. I guess there are those negative stereotypes that have been tearing me down. I hate it a lot. I even have a hard time making new friends and worse with a woman. there are many things I wanna say but just can’t put them into words. this is all I can say now. I’m pretty much upset and feel like closing up again. I wish I could just be happy and not deal with all of this mess.

Did anyone else used to read messed up fanfictions on wattpad and stuff? I have so much guilt it’s so unbelievable what I used to read and I don’t understand how I could have read some of the things I read. The amount of things I did wrong as a kid/teen I feel like I’m completely numb to all of my monad like I don’t even care that much anymore. I know it’s not true but I just feel so defeated. I feel like I was a p word and other messed up stuff without realizing I was. I was homeschooled and didn’t have any real life interaction with anyone and not great sex education, and I say this to myself maybe it took me longer to figure out certain things were unusual or wrong but that’s not really an excuse. Idk. I feel so burnt out and out of ideas for what to do. I want to die and I want to live at the same time. I’m scared of everything and all of the mistakes I made. It’s just an endless list of mistakes. Sorry, I just am desperate for a need to vent.

So, these thoughts have started to ruin my life. They feel so real like I truly want them and it’s scary. Tomorrow I’m going to call a mental hospital and see about me going to get help there and stay a week+ I’ve always heard good things about mental hospitals and I am in desperate need of major help and if this is what it takes then I am going to go through with it. I don’t want to be a danger to anyone. Any advice or anything you have to say? Please?

I'm sick and tired of hearing this bs from religious individuals, and before y'all give me shit abt it I'M religious. I've had ocd and one of the most difficult parts of it has been trying to accept these thoughts. The most effective form for me has been treating them with full acceptance and instead of saying "maybe it could happen" saying "yes it will totally happen" and it's sucked bc obviously I don't want any of it to happen. I am not going to magically become a felon because I wrote acceptance of my intrusive thoughts on a paper or think of them with more acceptance than I did then. My mom keeps telling me other wise bc of some bs that happened to my dad w his car bc he told her "my car almost broke down" and then it did and she was all like "SEE, HE DECLARED IT" like bitch if you don't STFU RIGHT TF NOW UGH

OCD freaking sucks. I am not seeking reassurance with this post I am just so frustrated by having this disorder. I am officially starting treatment next week but sometimes it feels like it is an unbearable wait to wait even just a week. I am so tired of questioning and stressing and having uncontrollable anxiety ALL the time and not feeling I can do anything long term to stop it. Sometimes I just wonder if this is my new normal and I won’t ever feel the same again. I am so sick of constantly questioning if I’m gay or bi or attracted to women or having thoughts that make no sense but get twisted into making me think they mean something when they do not. I’m sure many of us can relate but god I am so sick and tired of dealing with this. I want to be able to look at another woman without questioning if I’m attracted to her or getting intrusive thoughts and feeling disgusting about myself. Like it’s every single woman. It makes no sense and I’m so tired of questioning and feeling so out of control.

Hey everyone! So I’m currently looking for any books that might have helped you in this ocd journey. I’m currently reading untethered soul is really good. I am really in that phase that no matter how scary ocd can be I’m ready to overcome it. I’m not letting it defeat me like it has for years. I would appreciate your recommendations.

Hey guys - I am currently in the midst of what is possibly the most difficult OCD attack I have battled thus far. Not sure what everyone else’s experience looks like with the diagnosis but I have extended periods of feeling rather well (with minor rituals and thought processes showing up) followed by some major event or trigger popping up that sends me into spirals that can last for months on end. There are days where I feel that I am unable to function as a normal human being (getting out of bed, taking care of my hygiene, going to work, feeding myself, etc.) I guess my point in posting while on the midst of a valley is just to get some encouragement that it is in fact possible to recover and that the suffering won’t be forever.

I’m going over an event that happened almost two years ago and it’s making me wonder if I had bad intentions/was disloyal. I was buying a car and the dealer was an attractive guy. I was there with my mom and my sister, but I remember avoiding bringing up my boyfriend in conversation with him. When my mom brought him up I noticed and remember feeling a certain way about it like I didn’t want her to. I think after she brought him up I wondered why I hadn’t wanted to, and I didn’t understand since I never would have actually wanted to be with this man and I had considered myself a very loyal partner. I wonder if I avoided bringing it up just bc I wanted to appear attractive, or make him into me (he had come accross flirty) but I didn’t actually want him. Maybe it was bc I liked the flattery? Is this normal? Has anyone else in a committed relationship caught yourself not wanting to bring up ur partner since you liked the attention or was I disloyal in this situation? It goes against my values so much and I have no idea why I would have done that in the moment.

I have worked so hard to get an offer for medical school but I need to get the final grades and OCD means I can't study properly. For example I was trying to study and I put music on to concentrate but religious music was on my Spotify and once I saw it I HAD to put it on or else I thought if be punished for ignoring it but it doesn't help me concentrate so I quickly thought 'promise on your mums life to only play if for one minute and then switch's but I started getting the vibes from the picture of God in my living room that I am causing something bad to happena nd then I was thinking about my mum too and o realised that I couldn't use her as a reason for not playing religious music or something bad will happen to hear so of course I had to get up again and pray to God that nothing bad happens to her and also that I get the A level grades for medicine because my whole future is falling apart as my brain sounds like this all the time when I sit down to study..I just can't.

Does anyone else ever feel like they can't write down anything that has to do with their OCD? (even making this post is hard and I'll probably delete it) I feel like when I put things into words or write it down either way it makes it more real and so I avoid it. Also, I had a realization and I want to see if this is accurate.... When I have a thought, whether it be valid concern or something wildly made up, if I take a moment and think about this thought and if I don't I'll have anxiety, is that a mental compulsion? I always thought I wasn't really doing mental compulsions but sometimes I hide in the bathroom to try and sort out my thoughts so I must be doing them. I always feel like I'll forget the progress I've made in my thought process since my mind is always going 24/7 so I have to fully think it out before I can let it go. And then when my mind comes back to it, I start the process over.

I suffer from Instant false memories I think something and think it’s real like right away Sometimes I record myself so that I can know I’m not doing anything bad? Is that a compulsion?

If I didn’t have ocd my life would be so beautiful is sad 😞

Xanax is the only thing that has ever helped me with my anxiety and panic attacks but now that I’ve been on it for 17years at 4mg a day and it’s been less and less effective he won’t up the dosage. He said I have to go to rehab to get off it. I can barely cope now. How can I go on?

I suffer with harm ocd, towards my husband I kinda was getting over it already because I knew I didn’t wanna do it but I yesterday I fell into my depression episode again. I started crying really bad. I just felt super sad. Really confused a lot of emotions till today. I still feel like that. I don’t know if it’s because my hormones are all over the place. I got sick from the flu and I also have my period but I’m about to end it and I feel a lot of things. I just feel super sad yesterday with no like motivation. I started feeling sad again with no purpose on life . I recently saw this video like when people get happy while having depression is because they made a decision that they wanna like end their life and I’m scared. I’m gonna do that like I’m scared. I’m gonna start having suicidal thoughts or like I get happy. That like I know it’s because I wanna end my life. I feel so much for my husband I love him because he’s the one that helped me out, but I don’t know why my mind gets mad whenever I think that I love him so much like it’s like something and it gets mad and makes me think I wanna kill him for no reason and I feel like no motivation for anything so it’s like you would want to do that because there’s no reason of living anymore if you are gonna be sad your whole life.

Anyone here who tried doing ERP themselves? How is it? Is it effective? Is it even possible??

Something I’m having a hard time understand and accepting is that you can’t control your thoughts. On one end, I’m told that it’s not my fault that I have these thoughts so it’s ok for them to be there, but the automatic thoughts about that thought (such as negative connotations) are what I need stop doing. But because they are thoughts, and thoughts are uncontrollable, what am I supposed to do? I understand I need to just let my thoughts be there. I understand I need to not beat myself up. But everything is so automatic I feel stuck. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Last night I had such an awful rejection thought! My mind has been coming up with more and more blasphemous thoughts. It was a rejection thought towards Jesus. It was something about “I reject J…… with my heart. I tried to brush it off and apologized to Him last night. I felt like I knew the thought was trying to come but couldn’t stop it. At first I thought “what if I thought that thought?” or sometimes I feel like my mind tells me I “wanted it” which I don’t! It’s like accusing thoughts & feelings! The more I thought about it I was telling myself this isn’t me! Obviously I started to have doubts. This morning I started freaking out because I’ve had this thought before, it was about God about a week ago. It scared me! I woke up this morning crying asking for forgiveness about last night! It breaks my heart to have that thought! I cried. I’m still scared! I need & want them forever! Am I okay? Are they still with me? I love them so much and it hurts to have these thoughts! I would never say that thought out loud but it still hurts my heart. Will they forgive me and be with me?! Any advice to move forward? I’ve been struggling hard.

I made a post earlier about how I was feeling so much better yesterday after receiving so much support on here but I woke up this morning and my ocd threw old intrusive thoughts and false memories at me that were my most painful. I just can’t escape my ocd. So now i’m back in the loop. My ocd always comes for my kids. They mean the most to me in this world so it’s the most painful theme of ocd i’ve had to face. My ocd will take any situation and twist it into something horrible. Examples are: one morning when my son was a toddler(he would sneak into bed with me at night sometimes) he woke up and he had the blanket wrapped around him and he was naked with his underwear on the floor. I had no idea why or how that happened thinking maybe he used the bathroom during the night and was half asleep so he took his underwear off before going into the bathroom instead of when he got into the bathroom and forgot to put them back on and he just got back in bed but my ocd said I must have done something inappropriate to him in my sleep and that has to be the only explanation. There was also a night my daughter fell asleep in my bed watching tv and I was in a deep sleep so I don’t remember much other than her saying “mommy” and I said “sorry mama” and moved over. I’m guessing I just rolled over on her or something but of course my ocd as always said I did something to her in my sleep. Why is my brain like this? I am always questioning myself knowing I would never hurt them or do anything inappropriate to them but my ocd makes me believe I did or every time I have a drink my ocd tells me I hurt them in some way. This is torture and a nightmare. I don’t want to live most days because of this. 😩 Does this happen to anyone else?? How do you get through it??