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Because I struggle with false memory and real event ocd, I feel like God hates me. I remember praying to God please give me a reason to live and I honestly don't deserve it. What it makes this worse is that, I ask God to just end my life.
Iāve been wondering a lot these past two months have been really bad. Iāve had just about every theme of OCD from harm, sexual, existencial you name it. The only theme I havenāt had is germ OCD, I think itās because Iām a nurse and I literary live around germs. This time around Iāve been obsessing with sleep and not being able to sleep, which has caused me to have depression. And now Iām like obsessed over my depression to the point where Iām literary questioning my own sanity, and my own experiences almost as if Iām over analyzing every experience and feel depressed over it evened good experiences feel like ass cus I just start doubting them. Has anyone experience this before? I got started on sirtraline and now I am obsessing over the fact that I need a pill to get better which I hate cus Iāve been able to beat my OCD unmedicated. Am I beyond help at this point ? I feel like I am a completely different person I donāt even remember what I used to be like.
Waking up in a panick everyday thinking if this is real life or not, the thoughts never stop, I just want to get better, I had a panick attack yesterday thinking this wasnāt real life, I coped with alcohol for the past 4 years, now when I wake up itās straight to this isnāt real life and you should just hurt yourself, am I going crazy ?
I need help, please. I cannot stop ruminating and I'm still not getting medicated, and that's the onlu way out I can see right now. I cry everyday out of distress, I feel sick, and I force myself to get arcades so I really feel that I'm not attracted towards women. Itās torturing me, I cannot take this anymore. It makes me think that the slightest thing I notice on a woman means that I'm attracted towards her. And it also makes me obsess over certain people which I found something interesting in, and tries to make me believe that I like them, it's disgusting, sickening, draining. By the way, I have a boyfriend, and I love him, so this makes everything worse. This all goes against all my values, morals, everything. It makes me look for things that happened in the past and alters them, and makes fake scenarios and tries to make me feel as if I'm actually attracted and it makes me suffer a lot. It takes almost my whole day, and it starts over and over again every time I wake up. I'm going insane, please, I just need to get rid of this. I cannot find any reasons to slay alive other than my boyfriend, I could never break his heart, so this is really making me feel like a really bad girlfriend and a failure.
I realised I did a bad thing when I was a kid ... I hurt one of my friend.. I didnt realised then what I did. I am ruminating constantly about it ... I cant get over it and I feel like I dont deserve to get over it. I keep ruminating and ask myself questions ... What should I do?
Iām so tired of mentally reviewing a certain event and worrying whether or not Iām actually a good person. What if Iām a horrible person and itās not actually ocd? Every time I feel slightly happy I feel guilty and horrible. Iām graduating high school in a month and also going to prom soon. I want to enjoy those things but I feel like my ocd wonāt let me. Iām going to college which I am SO excited for, but once again my ocd is holding me back. I just wish I can take a break from my mind for a day. Not even for a day, just for an hour. Iām so tired but I refuse to give up.
So Iām going to try and make this short. Is anyone experiencing there brain thoughts or even themselves thoughts like this āI have been through this 3 times before in my life, I know exactly how to fix it. However, I think my brain knows Iām trying to trick it with ERP or ACT therapy.ā Idk, like I know exactly how to fix this episode of OCD as I have had three previous relapses in my life. However, Iām scared and terrified that my brain is just smarter than me. Like idk if this makes any sense. Iām terrified that I will never get out of this. Then when I think like this, like I start to remember everything that has happened since my first ever episode, like have always experienced these symptoms and I just ignored them? Have I always just been like this? Was I happy when I wasnāt or was experiencing this? It so hard to explain. Like Iām not scared, but I am, Iām more frustrated and annoyed, but also sad. Idk I feel like Iām losing it. I talk to myself out loud to gain some confidence, but then I question like donāt crazy people talk to themselves, but I canāt be crazy because Iām aware that Iām talking to myself. Idk I feel alone, like Iām going to be like this forever. Like I will never outsmart my brain. Itās just weird. Also not to mention like literally everything triggers me. Everything. I suffer with DP/DR, so every conversation or action I do my brain just questions everything! Literally everything. Idk what to do. Can anyone relate to this?
Ive made horrible childhood mistakes at the ages of 12 and 13 I heavily regret... It was separate events when i was 12 and 13... I didn't know how horrible the mistakes were at the time... the mistakes were extremely horrible... i dont ever want to be what my pocd and real events ocd say about me... I genuinely feel so horribly and as a 22 year old in pre-med, idk if i even deserve happiness because of my extremely horrible childhood mistakes...
Hi - If any one of you have done ERP on above subtypes and recovered successfully, please ping me. I would like to hear some tips from you. Thanks!
People donāt understand how much ocd takes over your life, hereās some of my old compulsions through the years, I can laugh about these ones now as Iāve managed to stop them. Although Iām yet to beat false memory ocd. - Checking the knife draw before bed 14 times just to be āsureā the knifeās were all there. - Filming under my bed before I went to sleep to make sure no one was there. - Barricading my door at night as I had a fear I would sleep walk and āhurtā someone. - Video myself doing my nightly compulsions (locking doors, turning lights off, checking everything etc) to make sure itās done. - running up and down the stairs 44 times before bed to make sure no one dies š š(honestly no clue) - tapping an even number of times on each side of my body. - whenever I made someone else a drink I would have to re-do it about 10 times and video it, as id convinced myself Iād poisoned itšlol I mean I could go on forever but hereās some!! Iām hoping this makes someone feel less alone as Iāve stopped this now with a lot of work, it is possible!! False memory ocd is next for me , Iām hoping I can beat this as I have the above.
Iāve been going through what I suspect is depersonalisation for the past 6 months (triggered by a bad ocd episode) Itās been a really bad period and after this much time I feel like my depersonalisation (if thatās what I have) has gotten so complex that Iāve started to really forget who I am, how I used to act, what I believe in, I feel like Iāve completely lost my own identity. Thinking about past memories hurts, thinking about people I love hurts, I am not sure what to do anymore. I have been told to try and get on with my life by many people online and the depersonalisation will go away by itself, unfortunately that is not the case as whenever I try to get on with my life it gets worse and I feel even more disconnected. I feel like the only time I feel like Iām getting somewhere is when I sit and try to think back of the ocd episode that triggered all this, almost like I have unprocessed emotions from that episode that needs solving in order for my depersonalisation (if thatās indeed what I have) to go Please, if youāve been through something similar let me know, have you ever felt like on ocd episode is holding you back from your life and is making you feel disconnected from yourself until you go back and process it? As if it was some sort of traumatic memory that needs processing? Donāt hesitate to leave a comment and thank you in advance :)
Why do intrusive thoughts feel so real? I sometimes fear it isn't OCD and I actually do feel/think those things and it causes me immense distress.
I have two memories of molesting two different children and nothing has come of it. No one has spoken up about it no oneās complained hell thereās nothing even on the cameras. But Iām convinced these false memories happened and it scares me to death. Did I really molest those children or is my brain conjuring all of this up? What do I do because I feel like I canāt live with myself
Iām getting ready to officially start ERP next week. Doesnāt this mean I must accept whatever the OCD is telling me? In my case it means Iām an awful person who does not deserve my family/friends or happiness of any kind. Last night I was thinking about this at my sonās sport event. It occurred to me that if all the people there āknewā what the OCD implies, they would hate me and shame me. Maybe it was easier to just be mildly happy by placating the OCD with reassurance and the mantraāitās not me, itās OCD. Anyway, guilt ridden and anxious, I excused myself from the bleachers at my sonās game last night, acting like I had to use the restroom. I walked past the restroom, got into my car and went home and right to bed at 7:30 pm. (History: Pure-O/ False Memory OCD)
Lately my ocd has shown back up big time. Iām coming close to the end of my pregnancy and my hormones typically really affect it. Currently living in the existential/ harm themes and fear of developing psychosis and going to hurt my loved ones! Questioning if things are real too which then makes me even more anxious because I think Iām slipping into psychosis! Anyone else experience this? Just not the headspace I want to be in before birth
Hi all! I am asking for āreassuranceā and in this case I think itās ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father saād me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a āreasonā implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancĆ© is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancĆ© and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when Iām angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I donāt even remember how I felt (which is great, itās dissociationās purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but itās how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with herā¦ it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday ā¦ like 100% didnāt know what was realā¦ Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!
Iām going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where Iāve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. Itās been about 8 months and Iāve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like āwhat if my wife is a demon and trying to get to meā āwhat if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get meā etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me thatās still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day ādo I really believe this?ā āWell you technically canāt disprove those thingsā āif itās not real, then why does it FEEL real?ā āThis really is schizophreniaā ā what if itās not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?ā āwho do I go to for help?ā āWhat if I canāt trust anyoneā and the scariest of them allā¦āwhy would a see a doctor if this is all realā etc, itās literally hell. I can never give a satisfying āNo, I donāt believe thisā to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know itās bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. Iāve been like this for 8 months now.
Can false memory make you have a theme that you did something bad and when you try to remember if you did you search for it and then something seems familiar and you think you might have done something sexual with someone years ago but you never thought about it till now??? I am so confused š I feel like I would remember this very clearly.
So Iāve been in a pretty rough spiral/ocd spike for about a month now. I used to have this theme of being severely mentally ill or schizophrenic or psychotic and it went away for like 6 months and now itās back full force. I have never hallucinated but I have this intense fear of what if I do. So with this theme I have these delusional thoughts that are just bizarre and I know how delusional they are but they feel so real and scary like I believe them. My body reacts by my stomach feeling uneasy and Iāll get a chill and just feel like Iām gonna be sick. Sometimes it doesnāt even have to be a thought per say.. it can just be a weird sensation or feeling and then Iāll become extremely anxious and borderline feel like I could panic. I can usually talk myself down from a full blown panic attack and but itās just so distressing and Iām wondering if anyone else goes through this? I think it stems from a core fear of losing my family, ending up institutionalized away from my family and my family being devastated and judging me bc I āwent crazyā please if anyone else can relate Iād appreciate any advice.
Iāve always had a feeling of having OCD but Iāve never been sure. Iām a teenager, and Iām hoping people on this app can help me try to figure out if I have OCD or Iām just crazy. Starting off with these terrible thoughts I have all the time. Someone can come home late and I immediately think they got into a car wreck, and check my phone for recent car crashes and other thing etc. etc. number 2, I always have intrusive thoughts, terrible ones ever since I was a kid I canāt control. I immediately feel like thinking these will lead god to hate me, and that he made an imperfection on me. And every time I try to hide these thoughts away, like right now theyāre coming out I just canāt stop thinking of them and itās so hard to do anything. Just thoughts like, āyou hate your momā or, āyou hate godā and stuff that scares me like spiders. Itās hard to do anything with these thoughts. Iām also a major perfectionist, if anything is out of order I freak out. Yes, my room is messy. But I feel a sense of incompleteness and anxiety if I donāt empty the dishwasher, or donāt clean dirty dishes around the sink. These are recent and I feel like God will punish me for committing the sin of laziness. I also have a thing with the number 5, when I touch something it needs to be 5 times and if itās not 5 times I freak out. Iām also terrified of getting sick, every time my friend is sick I freak out and donāt get near them the entire day, constantly washing my hands. Writing this is triggering a lot of my terrible thoughts and I donāt want to continue writing. Please let me know your thoughts, mental illness runs in my family but my mom is constantly telling me thereās nothing wrong with me. Maybe sheās right.
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