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applehat
20d ago
It’s a ramble I guess? It’s happened before but not with thing so severe and it’s something I know I will never do. (At least I pray to god I wouldn’t.) sometimes my ocd will tell me to do things usually for a few similar reasons -thinking about numbers and symmetry if I do it once I have to do it again to an even number interval - I’ll ask myself a question or tell myself to do something then I feel like I have to or I get the itchy feeling that makes me want to explode. For example i Was at a coffee shop and for some reason my head said “you have to touch this couch once.” And then I can’t remember the events that led to it but now every time I go to that location I feel like have to touch the couch once. The idea will come and I can’t get it out of my head. -another trigger is seeing signs or being told don’t touch something/don’t do it it’s bad and my mind decides “I have to do that” not to be devious but it’s almost like I feel like I need to have that experience happen like I’ll miss out even if it’s ridiculous This leads me to my reason for this post I was on Reddit and I saw a few posts of the descent of a man who tried heroin and got addicted. He eventually got better after like 12 years but his first post explained how it felt so good. And I know it’s wrong. I know you easily get addicted. I don’t want to do it for the pleasure or anything even. I don’t know why my brain is saying you have to experience this. I can say I’m 90% sure I would never because I realize how serious it is. My theory at least is my brain thinks I’ll miss out or another theory is that my mind works in a way of wanting to complete and do everything. Like checking off a box. That’s why I can’t make decisions I don’t think. I think things left undone or not completed is what does it. I feel like I have to do it all bad and good even if I know it’s not good. I’m proud to say I have restraint for a lot of my bad thoughts. But I think I need to put them out somewhere or I’ll get the itchy feeling again. Maybe this is like confession or something. I needed to tell someone because I don’t know why my brain does this.
0
Imaan7
20d ago
  • Sexual Orientation OCD
  • "Pure" OCD
I used to want to grow a beard since I was young, hit puberty, grew one and loved it, feeling and acting manly, walking tall, with my chest out and shoulders broad. Now I feel like acting girly and fruity and wanting to change into a girl. All my attraction to women is gone completely, its not even loss of attraction, its just GONE. Now that I think of my past, I dont remember feeling sexual towards girls my age in my school, I cant remember I dont think I did and romantic attraction? I dont think I felt that either. Sure I grew up watching only straight porn and having strong fantasies of doing it like that but the attraction Im feeling towards guys in my head feels real, realer than what Ive felt for girls( I cant even remember what I used to feel when I saw girls) but I think this is what real attraction feels like which is why I believe Im gay but now I feel like im also transgender and wanting to be a girl. And until I accept these things to be true and start acting towards them my conditon will keep getting worse Im afraid this hocd and depression brought out and made me see my true self that was inside all along. Theres a quote from the actor Jim Carrey " Depression is your avatar tired of being the character youre trying to play" it makes sense about my situation now. So much fucking despair everyday, its immobilizing, I feel shame and embarrassment. Yet i know once I give in to these thoughts and act em out ill enjoy it and that this is just a ego problem and lots of cognitive dissonance. Fuck man. What do I do.
1
Drvmstick
21d ago
  • Relationship OCD
  • Sexual Orientation OCD
I wanted to give some advice to my rOCD friends. I also have rOCD, but I’m happy to say that nearly 2 years after my diagnosis I’m doing much better and am in a loving relationship. I see a lot of you worrying about whether or not you’re with the right partner. Worrying about if you actually love them or find them attractive. And of course, worrying that you don’t actually have rOCD. It sucks, I know. I used to worry about the same things too (and still do, just far less). I’m not here to tell you that you’re partner is right for you, because idk if that’s true. You could very well be with someone who’s not good for you. Or you could be with someone who is good for you. That’s beside the point. The point is that regardless of whether your partner is right for you or not, a person without rOCD doesn’t worry like we do. The anxiety, ruminating, and constant questioning and reassurance-seeking we do is not typical for most people. Why am I saying this? Because I want you to try ERP. A lot of you seem very hesitant to give ERP an honest try for more than a few days because there’s this fear that you’re lying to yourself. I understand, I used to feel like that too. But regardless of whether or not you’re lying to yourself or not, the amount of suffering and anxiety you experience is not warranted even if you are with the wrong person. The only way to recover from this anxiety is to expose yourself to it and face it head-on. Maybe you do ERP for a few weeks and you come out the other side realizing you don’t live your partner. So be it. Maybe you come out realizing you still love your partner. Both scenarios can happen. The point of ERP is to help you accept your negative intrusive thoughts, not to save your relationship. Whether or not you should stay with your partner, I can’t say. What I can say is that you can’t properly make that judgment when you’re plagued with all these intrusive thoughts and anxiety. So treat that first. Only when you learn to accept your intrusive thoughts and not let them bother you can you really make some sort of judgment. Even then things will never be certain. But that’s ok. You guys got this 💪🏼
9
stuckinthefuture
21d ago
  • Relationship OCD
Hi! I’m Alyssa, I’m 22. I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember but I thought it was just a quirk about me, and also something that would assist my ambition in getting me where I needed. I am not very *organized* or *clean* per say, so OCD is never something I considered for myself. I recently confronted my anxiety about the future with my CBT therapist (who I love) and took a hiatus because I was doing a lot better. Basically, I am obsessed with things happening just the way I expected them to, having my reality completely aligning with my hopes and dreams. Otherwise I can’t feel peace. I’ve been with the same person for about 15 months now, and every single thing about him and us is lovely. However, I keep feeling doubts and crippling anxiety about our future together. I feel like I need to find this certainty and unbounded contentment with him. Isn’t that how you “know”? That’s the construct of love and marriage I created for myself at some point in my life. I’ve had no one in my family get divorced and the pressure of living up to that expectation makes it so hard to move forward with a marriage. I can’t make the wrong move, but how do I *know*? It’s a lot of unreasonable pressure on my sweet oblivious boyfriend. I feel like I betray him every time I see him because what if I don’t love him the way he loves me? I don’t feel contentment. I keep googling and googling looking for confirmation that, no, this IS normal. Or I immediately rush to a trusted friend to assure me of how great we are together. These intrusive thoughts have been ruining my time with him and I feel compelled to end it just to feel the temporary relief that comes with it. I almost did once, but I couldn’t go through with it when considering the gaping “him”-shaped hole it would leave in my life. Fast forward to me discovering the anxiety love coach podcast on spotify. I never knew that relationship OCD existed and I have never felt so seen or validated. I am hopeful now that I can soothe these future-related invasive thoughts and be happy in my healthy relationship.
4
struggling but still here
24d ago
  • Perfectionism OCD
this isn’t technically ocd related but i need to vent. i’m so tired of seeking external validation. it’s where my social anxiety and ocd stem from, usually the fear of being neglected. i’m a perfectionist and an overachiever and i seek my parents validation specifically. as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that feeding on that (getting perfect grades, doing everything to please them) has had a negative impact on me. i did the dishes for my mom, cleaned off the table, i just was outwardly nice tonight because she was angry. i was trying to lighten her mood and she didn’t even slightly acknowledge what i was doing. it seems stupid because i’ve been “feeding” on that validation and when i don’t get it i shut down. it’s a really shocking realization. i honestly don’t know who i am. i’ve lost all of my friends over the past year and i don’t have anyone to turn to besides a few acquaintances who don’t really understand me. i’m afraid to be vulnerable with them too. i feel stuck at home, not being able to build my own self esteem. it looks great from the outside, but my parents and siblings (and i, guilty of it until i realized how terrible it is) judge people constantly. we’ll have entire dinner conversations about other people and basically insulting them. this is kind of when i realized how if we are that critical of other people, how much of that same criticism have i ignored towards me? i’ve also noticed every time i get defensive they always say “i’m just teasing”, as if i just can’t take a joke when i’m being insulted? my parents give unconditional love but yet i still feel the need to be perfect. they let me make my own decisions. they’re outwardly loving and compassionate towards me. i know they love me. i don’t know why i’m fixated on controlling their moods when they get upset or angry. i also feel like i’m being unfair to them because they’ve provided so much for me and my few grievances with them don’t amount to what they’ve done for me. i can’t talk about this with anyone because my mom cancelled my next therapy session - with a therapist i’ve been seeing for a year who seems to not be equipped for ocd. i’ve mostly done talk therapy and i’m now aware that’s harmful, right? we’re trying to find a new one but i don’t know if i can make it much longer before i lose my mind. i don’t think it’s intentional but i can’t seem to connect the dots - how can i grow up with a solid home life and still have so many issues growing up? like am i just that unaware? when they ask me if i’m mad i feel like i can’t be honest. i don’t know why. i feel like they sometimes seem to downplay it or talk their way around it. they even apologize but i still feel stupid for taking up space, having needs, or not being the perfect child. it doesn’t make sense to me and i’m freaking out. has anyone else had an experience like this?
1