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I’m currently at an ocd inpatient facility and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I’m homesick, and just being in a new environment is an exposure for me, I can barely keep up with the schedule. I’m sorry I just had to write this somewhere anonymously, the first time I came down here and left the next day because I just couldn’t handle it, even one night. I just wasn’t built to handle life man. I’m not mentally strong plain and simple, although I would not say that to someone else in my situation. Now after months of work to get back I’m so drained and exhausted after being here just one week and a day, but this time my parents, understandably, want to see me “stick this out” and I get where they’re coming from but after hearing how long some of the other residents have been here (months) I can’t even imagine staying here more then three weeks. A large part of me does not believe I can ever get better and that part of me is cemented in my head, at the same time I also don’t feel I warrant inpatient treatment. Essentially if you have ever been to an inpatient place or are at one now, know that your not alone.

I wanna cry but I feel numb but at the same time i don’t wanna accept what’s going on yet my mind is like you’re smiling so this must mean you have no pain and you’ve accepted fate, at the same time the thought of being bi or gay really hasn’t bought me any happiness, when i look at men and get any groinal response it still fucks with me, or my mind goes you want this, this is you and has always been you, completely disregarding any feelings or anything I’ve had for women ever since i was like in the 5th grade, it all feels like a lie, going on dates feels like a cover up, idk how long i can go like this, i keep telling myself hey Jai relax , this shall pass but it won’t pass, i have 0 libido, no attraction, idk what to do , being gay feels like a reality and mostly makes me sad if not all the time, i get triggered tbh i don’t even get anxiety sometimes and ite fucking with me My thoughts are saying porn influenced my sexuality and Ik it’s bs but it seems so real I have people around me yet i feel so empty and alone, it’s like a void, like something is missing and it keeps bringing me back to when i went soft, i cant get it out my head, i can’t even get it up for a woman anymore before i could do that in a snap, or i can’t keep it up, i get turned off so quick , i feel like it’s real and i don’t like that i don’t want that, I’m doing erp but why do i feel even worse? I’m sorry if that was tmi

Finally, after 2 months,after a long tak with my therapist this morning, I identified my true demon. I was hitting the scarecrow all along. Now I need help identifying the compulsions in ERP. I'm that dude you probably have seen around here complaining about sleep. I am constantly afraid I wont get to sleep at night. Now, I didnt really understand why I have that fear. I mean, I'd be totally fine If a doctor said ''ok, you should stay awake for 3 days for an experiment. The real problem for me is the uncertainty about my sleep, in which I never know if I'll be able to sleep or not. I thought it was just sleep anxiety. However, I used to work night shift a couple of years ago, and sometimes I would skip a day of sleep on purpose, to have more free time to enjoy ( I used to sleep from 6 am to 3 pm). I never felt scared at all. Even when I would try to sleep and failed, I would feel frustrated, but not terrified as I find myself nowadays when I have a sleepless night. So I started questioning: What happened lately that made me so concerned about that? Why do I have to be 100% sure I will get to sleep every single night, and why do I get terrified when I don't? So I remembered that last year I was reading about Familiar Fatal Insomnia. I learned that there is a very rare similar disease in which a person may develop Sporadic Fatal Insomnia, without the need to have a genetic link to FFI. It is extremely rare - only 24 cases registered so far. Now I dont know whether I really believe I have it, or may develop it. I'm more afraid of having this fear at night and fail to sleep, thus ''confirming'' my diagnosis. That's why I feel so terrified when I don't sleep. The thing is, never changed. The fear is the same as I had all these weeks: Failing to sleep the next night. Regardless of what condition is causing it.Anxiety, OCD, or fatal insomnia.. This fear of Fatal Insomnia had already popped up other times through these weeks, but never got my attention for too long. Somehow I realized this is a never ending cycle, in which I'll never know how my next night will be. I don't know how to practice ERP here. What should I expose myself to? How can I practice ERP with a fear that can kind of come true ? (Not necessarily developing such condition, but failing to sleep and thus believing so). I'm sorry for the long post, but I really dont know what to do:(

On quora i read stories of women and felt like i related to it all pls help me this woman’s article where she knew she was straight and then in her 20’s became wanting to look like a particular women and then exploring and wanting to be with and is the happiest being a in a relationship with a women . What if my relationship with guys don’t work out because of this what if it never was supposed to be guys.. which is why u have never dated or stopped feeling any attraction or never had at all?!? Also one as much as whats written here is true that is well what do i believe and what is the truth a lesbian and i have read differently here if its so easy then what guarantees do i have haven’t done anything with a guy in a long time what if I actually end up feeling nothing and all this is true?! How people say over its very easy to become a bi and all that?! Like looking at girls more than normal what do i do? I am panicking cause i know panic states ocd and i know even while i am writing this so how is it ocd and not denial pls pls help me the fact that I haven’t been with a guy in so long what do i know what happens people realise so late and also the fact and option of exploration what about that and people go and do that what do i tell myself want to watch unzip what?!? And added this what with exclamations cause i want people to tell me its ocd. On an insta page a straight women when at the age of 23 she decides to explore and then suddenly on dating apps matches with girls and comes in a relationship with one cause back in the day she used to notice girls more than guys and all the other girls told her she is lesbian and then on the app her all kinds of questions fly away when she matches with a girl and they get married its so humane and possible and with all the thoughts i have had in the past and her also mentioning she noticed women more and men less it feels so possible. And everything seemed like true and what’s happening to me i am so confused idk what to do.. I haven’t been diagnosed yet cause I can’t take therapy atm for various reasons and i fear what if the day i go they tell me its been denial always and i just was faking it and its not ocd and i end up accepting it and then there’s no going back. All of this is so scary. I think i am on the verge if giving in and losing it all there is no place back up from here. Its a ditch and i will keep falling into it never be the same again. Never like a guy again and all that back was fake. Cause on quora and even here all stories are like we explored cause before that they were all straight and then they ended up becoming something else. Feels like i am sliding into depression and denial how do i still tell myself its ocd when it starting to feel so real and they say sit with your thoughts and i do and they feel okay normal and what i want. The only thing i now think is what if all this and liking guys was fake and thats why it never worked cause it never was supposed to be guys and all of it was fake like in the stories of these women otherwise why would i relate to it and be like yeah it possible and yeah it okay cause its so similar to mine and i am not panicking about it i sit with the thoughts and if I accept it then what? All the past was a lie today is a lie everything i have told myself and others is a lie. Who am i ? What should i hold on to cause now there’s nothing everything i have read has told me its denial and not ocd and its way to convincing to not believe. I am so lost. Idk who i am or who i ever was. All i can think is i have had heath anxiety ocd which is a sub theme which makes me believe this could also be a theme otherwise all points in the different direction. And its so hard with this theme cause its so idk convincing feels real?!? Am i alone here.. ?

Lately I've been obsessed with researching and reading everything about OCD as I can. I've been fixated on finding physical books, printing out studies, taking the Y-BOCS, anything I can find or get my hands on. Could researching be an obsession or something? I don't know if I'm feeding into it or if this is completely different.

I have been plagued with obsessions that have cause me intense anxiety and forced me to feel the need to complete compulsions to ‘fix’ the feeling my entire life. So that is a negative thing that I am only just now realising is probably some form of ocd. But on a more positive note I have also always been one to have what I call ‘positive’ obsessions over things like certain films, characters, books etc and more specifically an obsession with the details of these things but it brings me joy not anxiety. Like for example I was obsessed with tin tin comics when I was so little that I couldn’t even read them yet but I would spend hours flicking through the pages and picking up on the tiniest minute details in the drawings (if you can picture the drawing style of tin tin you’ll know what I mean). I thought it was so fun. Is that just a personality thing or is this in some way linked to the ocd? Or is it even that being prone to very detail oriented behaviour you are at more risk of developing ocd?

I wonder, if therapy will help me get rid of the guilt I feel... I'm not even sure, if what I did is only bad due to my OCD moral standards, or if normal people would freak out and feel guilty, too... I want to not feel guilty anymore... I again feel, that I committed the ultimate moral crime and have no right to live anymore, or not be/become happy anymore... And no, I'm not suicidal, I will not harm myself, I just feel horrible at the moment. 😔

I’ve been pushing through and accepting / disregarding my intrusive thoughts for a little over a week, and the first few days were so bad I didn’t even think it was worth tracking. June 16th was also bad, but I thought I’d just begin, to see how it goes, and here I am. When I started I thought I’d never use the colour green. This is to say — it may look like you’re not making any progress, but if you do what you’re told, live your life accepting the thoughts, exposing yourself to your fears, it’ll all pay off. I couldn’t believe how fast it hit me. I don’t wake up thinking of my thoughts anymore. It’s not the most important part of my day anymore. It truly feels like I’m healing, because I’m forgetting that I ever was sick. I know there will be setbacks, and I’m ready for them, I’ll welcome them as part of life. Right now, I’m just enjoying this life.

I don’t know if I’m being rational anymore. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is real. I don’t know if my thoughts are true about my past (I certainly hope not and I pray to God my thoughts aren’t true.) and I keep making myself go crazy with all the guilt and regret. I want to be free. I want to be ok and live the life God gave me to live. I want to have certainly so badly and I don’t think I ever will because no matter how many people I talk to about it whether it was my dad before he passed away, my mom or even my therapist I’ve explained everything every little detail and they’ve all told me the same thing. To let it go. To stop punishing myself. To stop being so hard on myself. To move forward and forgive myself. To live myself. To be happy. And I don’t know if I’m worthy of these things. I have so much fear in my mind and heart. I know deep down that I am a very loving good hearted person. I’m not my past and it doesn’t define me. But I can’t accept the thoughts saying really scary things that I am something I would never want to be or did something absolutely unforgivable but again I don’t know if I’m being rational or not. You’d think I would be able to believe my own mom since she told me that I’m loved and that I need to forgive and move on. But I can’t. OCD won’t let me. And by no means am I making excuses. I am the type of person who will take all responsibility and I’m bluntly honest. I have no bad bone in my body and I never did. I was a dumb teenager who wasn’t thinking about my actions. Growing up I dealt with grief of my brother, developed depression and anxiety, lost many more family members including my dad who was my biggest supporter and was always there for me in times like this where I would get so scared and stuck and he was understanding. My mom in the other hand not so much at times. I think she’s tired of me talking about it because I would talk about it non stop confessing and seeking reassurance every single day. To the point I didn’t think I could go on anymore. But here I am still fighting with my head trying to make sense of everything I don’t understand or should understand. One day I hope I can forgive myself. One day I hope I can be ok again. That I can breathe again. That I can give myself the same compassion and understanding that I give so freely to others. I’m going back to college in the fall and I’m really hoping by then I can work on my OCD head on and that way I can focus on my studies. I want to do things right. I want to make a life for myself. But that voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me that I don’t deserve to do so 💔

Just wanted to share where I am at. I have been in a relationship for almost a year now and the last month and a half have been extremely hard. I have tons of anxiety around my relationship constantly thinking my girlfriend is not the right one for me and maybe there is someone better for me. I love her so much and she is so caring and patient with me through all of this. She was never my normal type, but we have so much in common and bonded over that. I just want these constant negative thoughts to subside so I can enjoy the relationship again and not have her worry about me so much.

Has anyone gone on disability for mental health? wondering what thats like.

I’m having a horrible time today. A few years ago as a teenager I made mistakes or bad decisions BUT I didn’t know at the time I was making a mistake or a pattern of mistakes and it never crossed my mind at the time that what I was doing was wrong. I’m trying to accept that it’s in the past but it’s so hard when I keep having scary thoughts that I’m a horrible human being who needs to be taken care of or I should give up. I never had any bad intentions or never had a bad bone in my body. I’ve never hurt anyone and never will but unfortunately got into a weird and embarrassing tickling fetish when I was a teenager and I know I’m being vulnerable talking about this but maybe someone can relate or I could help someone I guess I don’t know but I feel so much guilt. I absolutely hate myself for not knowing at the time. If I would of known then what I know now it would of NEVER happened. I was young and people say your mind isn’t fully developed yet but at the time I would look up memes, gifs, or whatever on ifunny at the time that had to do with the fetish and it was never sexual but because it was a fetish the guilt has to do with masturbation at the time every time because to me it was never ever about the people or whoever I came across maybe the reactions I guess I don’t know (it was not porn at all again it was not sexual) I don’t know if I’m overthinking this. I’ve talked to my mom and therapist and they both told me to let it go and move forward. I have so much guilt and anxiety because of this and I’m desperate at this point. I’m at a point where I feel like i don’t deserve love or happiness or joy, but that I deserve to die. I don’t want to be a monster I never did 💔

I’m writing this to see if anyone else has a similar experience, I feel so sick and want my life back… I don’t know what to do half the time when I start panicking. I didn’t have many intrusive thoughts until a year ago after a family member made me feel very uncomfortable, now I over think everything around family members male or female (mostly male like him) and have intrusive thoughts thinking “I might develop a crush on them” or “I might give them the wrong idea”. Then I started feeling scared around children encase I made anyone feel uncomfortable like how that family member made me. I’m passionate about childcare and children’s safety so it scares me even more. I like childish things, I think as a trauma coping mechanism, and again my ocd tells me it’s because I’m a dodgy person. Or if I kiss my cat too much then I stop myself and think am I a dodgy person? Or do people think I’m being inappropriate which obviously is not my intention. All this over thinking makes me worry all the time if I am a dangerous person (or if people think I am) or if other people are dangerous. Does anyone have any advice? Just to know that I’m not alone would help…

hi, so i have something that i have been thinking about pretty frequently lately and i wanted to bring it up to those with relationship OCD. i don’t really know where to begin, but i guess i’ll begin currently and work my way backwards. my boyfriend is currently at a Boys’ State thing (for super smart boys) where they get selected to learn about government and enact the various functions and rolls. we’re both 17, btw (thought i should add this). tonight we were texting and i was getting very upset because i can tell he’s having fun without me; i hate feeling like this because he doesn’t deserve his girlfriend to get upset with him about this because he’s just having some fun. i know that he loves me. i’m questioning if he’s having more fun over there than he is missing me? to add onto this, recently i have set a boundary where if he hangs out with friends and there are girls there, i would like to be invited too. i’m not going to tell him what to do, but it is a boundary that i’ve set into place with him and he understands it. however, i have also been getting upset as he just goes to hangout with his guys. i find that i get anxious and somewhat jealous and wonder what they’re doing. again, i hate feeling this way because he doesn’t deserve it and he’s done nothing wrong. what’s interesting is that this happened in my last (somewhat) serious relationship, and i butchered the relationship with how i responded to these feelings. i can’t do that with this one, i don’t want to hurt him or ruin us. i love him so much. another thing that i find interesting is that i get more jealous as time goes on- like at the beginning of our relationship this wouldn’t have worried or upset me at all. i am just putting this out here to see if anyone else with ROCD experiences this or if this could be a part of OCD manifesting itself in a way i haven’t noticed? sorry that this is so long & i’m doing okay, i just genuinely want to know where this is coming from so that i can work on it.

My house is a complete disaster, yet I’m too depressed to clean it because I know it won’t come out perfect like I would strive for it to be. I know I’m just going to get aggravated and give up on myself, so I’m afraid to even try. On top of that, my relationship is falling apart. I’m always anticipating the worst and acting out on it. I barely leave the house or have any friends anymore. I’m sinking back into a dark place, the dark place I was in almost 3 years ago when my mom passed away, somewhere that took a great deal of strength to get out of, yet I’m sinking and drowning again. My boyfriend seems to judge me now instead of being a supporter, I think it’s because I get angry and he takes it personal. In all reality, I’m mad at myself most of all because I can’t dig myself out of this nasty headspace. I feel isolated and trapped. I’ve let everything go. Is there anybody out there who can talk to me? I feel so alone.

As some one who’s is into I guess more “manly “ things I struggle terribly with the stigma of having a mental health problem . The stigma is just so hard to deal with . Yes people say it’s like having any other condition diabetes or whatever . But being open about this condition comes with such stigma as opposed to having a health issue that’s not effecting your mind.

I've read about a bisexual female that she first just liked lesbian porn, then had thoughts about women with "I want to look like her" when she had low self esteem and then it changed to "I want her" when she rised her self-esteem. I am so scared to even work on my self-esteem now even when it was suggested by my therapist! Today I went shopping and found every woman attractive! But I felt fear in my heart, I just wanted to disappear.

My anxiety is through the roof. I keep having horrible scary thoughts about my self and related to my themes and I feel like I should give up and I don’t want to I just want the pain to stop 💔 How could I have been so stupid when I was younger? How did I not know any better when I should have? I hate myself. It was years ago but because of a stupid tickling fetish I had as a teenager 15+ and the things I’ve come across that were considered innocent and not sexual at all (and I pray to God it wasn’t considered the really bad thing people with POCD fear most because I wasn’t seeking it out at all and I never will it was a fetish I came across on ifunny or whatever which is a meme app with memes and gifs and little videos that were totally innocent and would be considered “cute” or “normal” by a normal person) and I never looked at it in a sexual way it was about the fetish or reactions I don’t even know anymore. But because at the time I was addicted to masturbation and the fetish was apart of that because to me it wasn’t about the people in any of the memes or whatever it was about the fetish which doesn’t make sense I guess is the way to put it I’m scared to death of what that means. I pray to God everyday it wasn’t equivalent to what a monster would of done and that I’m not a really horrible person who did something immoral. I never wanted to be that kind of person and I definitely don’t now. I’m a good hearted person with so much love in my heart. I never hurt anyone and I never will but because of the stupid dumb teenager I used to be and the stupid fetish I used to have because I was curious I guess when I was young I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I’m just venting not looking for reassurance. Please be understanding. No one ever answers my posts I just need to get it out. I’m heartbroken I can’t get passed this no matter what my therapist or even my mom has told me. To let it go and forgive myself and to stop punishing myself. I can’t do it. I feel like I don’t deserve good things or to be happy but yet if a friend came up to me and told me the same thing I would be there for them but when it comes to me it’s so easy to hate and bash myself even though I was young and didn’t know. If someone could help me find a way to do ERP for this I would appreciate it. I’m at the end of my rope here. I can’t keep calm today 💔

I have very strong cheeckbones and i am a girl. Everybody say that they are sign of manly human. I just can't. I have obsession with my body. I deal with soocd and i am so obsseded to find that what If i am manly. I want to Be feminen. I want to My body Look feminen.

Hello everyone. Does any of you suffer from an identity crisis? Sometimes i feel like i dont know who I am, i don't know my identity. I can't explain it very well but its something i call identity crisis which causes me a lot of fear, anxiety and doubt. I have done ERP for my harm and pure OCD and it helped me but this identity crisis still exist. Does any of you have the same issue?