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Why is ocd considered ego dystonic? I feel like it’s more of my ego preventing me from accepting my thoughts and therefore I have a big ego :/ can someone explain so I can understand better?

I understand this post isn’t specifically about OCD but it plays a part and I don’t have anyone else to turn to. It’s more of a rant with advice needed :( So when i was 20, i left uni as my ocd was at its absolute worst. At 22 i went back to uni and now i’m currently 23 and still studying. On top of my ocd, i’ve had people tell me i’m good for nothing and stupid and dumb etc which has made me lose all confidence in myself. I’ve always wanted to get a job but i genuinely believe i’m too stupid and dumb to get one. So many people have said the same things to me and make fun of mistakes i make and belittle me. These same people are the ones who tell me i need to get a job and i need to get out and do something instead of spending time in bed being depressed all the time and when i try to tell them that their words are a huge reason why i do not feel like i’m good enough to get a job and be good at it, they say it’s not a good enough reason and i’m using it as an excuse. i’m genuinely not using it as an excuse. i genuinely do not think i’m smart enough for one. i used to have so much confidence and now it’s all gone. these people tell me i’m not doing anything with my life but then they’re the same people to put me down? am i overreacting in feeling so much anger towards them? Like words have such a huge impact on someone’s life and they’ve made me feel so so so low and insecure in my ability to do anything. I just don’t know what to do. I genuinely see myself as the dumbest person ever. I have no one in real life to talk to who understands as they’re all the ones calling me these names and then saying i need to get a job or life is going to pass by. i’m just upset and confused.

More people that obsess over there boy figure? I feel like I’m gaining weight and I’m really fat and I can’t stop thinking about it I really want to lose weight and I do everything I can about it, I eat about 1400 calories per day, do fitness 3 times a week, walk 2 times a week half an hour. But I don’t lose weight, well I feel like I don’t lose weight and feel like I’m only gaining fat.

I lay in bed here thinking that I shouldn’t be going through this. I have everything I have ever wanted, a great job, a great career, resources, a super supportive family, an amazing partner, beautiful pets, and yet… here I lay feeling empty. Feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I don’t think there is anything super severe that has happened to me that should be making me feel this way and yet, here I lay, unable to go to sleep, hoping the side effects of the meds would go away pondering why. Why do I feel like this? Why does it keep coming back? What did I do in life to deserve such troublesome thoughts and feelings. I don’t understand. I read people’s post to remind myself I’m not the only one going through this and it saddens me to see a whole community struggling with their mind. I really just want myself and everyone to be happy. To be fulfilled. To beat this monster.

I am experiencing unwanted thoughts repeatedly that arent causing physical anxiety but discomfort/unease and a pull/urgency to "figure things out/make sense of the thoughts." I am really trying not to engage in the thoughts but find it difficult since they come on rapid fire. Is it normal/can anyone relate to my description? Some of the thoughts are calling attention to the fact that I have had these doubts/thoughts for many years and that that must mean that they are true. The thoughts relate to whether I never really wanted to marry my partner and am living a life I actually dont want to live. I find it difficult to know what my actual thoughts/feelings are and what is persistent doubt - especially since I have experienced it for so long now and it keeps coming up - as if I am lying to myself. Another thought that I feel like I am struggling with is the regret of getting married because of the suffering/difficulties of the emotions/thoughts/feelings that have followed. Nothing to do with my partner though, but my own internal struggle. I have been struggling for a long time now how to enjoy my relationship in the midst of these thoughts and what they might mean. I guess when I feel anxiety it feels easier to identify the OCD flavor....I just imagined that it is the anxiety that gives the thoughts their power.

I'm so freaking sick of this I CAN'T fall asleep because my obsessions and fears just keep rolling and rolling. I am so freakin sleep deprived and I'm trying to keep it together. And being tired and unmotivated makes the worries so much worse. I HATE being this way, feeling so exhausted that I'm paralyzed and don't know how to handle my thoughts I'm trying to let them come and go but they're so upsetting I have a therapy appointment tomorrow so maybe I can get some help there. I just feel no relief from the obsessions and I do not know what to do.

So Iv been doing better and im proud of myself. Everything seems to be going okay but I still feel numb. Its been almost 9 months and I barley feel happiness, love, anything pretty for that matter. I can only feel the negative ones like feeling blue from time to time. I just wonder if I’ll be “normal” again. I miss how I felt with my boyfriend. That overwhelming warmth I felt to the point i had yo stop myself from biting him because it was irresistible. It hurts that i cant feel but it also hurts that I might never be the same. How can I go on like this? What am I gonna do once we decide to live together or engaged ? Im always thinking of the future even as far as what it I go through postpartum depression. Im not asking for reassurance but these questions are on my mind everyday. Im so scared im going to go into that dark hole where i was 9 months ago. If anyone has some advice or someone who’s been going through this longer than I have can leave me comments on their experience id appreciate it.

This is more of a rant/vent so Tw for (csa,pocd,past SH,) just triggering in general but idk what’s wrong with me im entirely desperate for closure and or getting out of this mess idk if its healthy or rlly. Ik i made a long discussion earlier but there is so many layers not (in chronological ord really)to this issue idk what to do. I really dislike having ocd its so gross and feels violating like i feel so gross when I actually realize what im thinking and my eye twitches constantly and my face gets all tingly like im about to throw up. Ik its ocd because my last theme was similar I thought that everyday was gonna be my last. But really So far my recent themes really have had me either become stressed tired, hopeless or un interested in things i like because my obsession was the only thing that mattered so my last theme was really bad. Pocd even feels just as bad even worse. with the theme of death and health i came to be fine with. But now its like how can u just deal with thoughts like that and be fine. I cant live every day thinking im gonna hurt someone. And To prevent myself from going insane i just let the thoughts go on but im just there and it’s happening and i don’t like it ,and then its like I like those thoughts don’t I etc. and its like im shaking my head back n forth and my brain is telling me horrible things .and my body involuntarily acts for any actions i do out of nervousnesses and discomfort which makes it worse too. I hate making sure that im not a ped which makes me feel even more disgusted. its like im desperate in my head to ask myself for forgiveness. With this a lot of things in my childhood are now coming up and really make me remember that that event actually happened and I thought it was normal. The first instance something ever traumatic that started this is happened when i was a kid i didn’t realize and i had to have another adult stop the kid cause i was just there confused. And i used to sit in class and remember these situations randomly. And thought it was just an accident im fine now. And as i got older only 7 really i became extremely hypersxual and kids would tell me about more topics I didn’t really know and i would just go along with it and think its ok if they can talk about it like its nothing. Off topic a bit but Its so weird cause I never liked liking people younger or ppl shorter than me cause it felt weird and wrong its not but in reality, but it did feel like it and this one girl i had a crush on for a bit was younger and i got really grossed out when i realized i would be 18 one day and shes still 17 but were only a few days apart tho. Also I didn’t think me being this way at 7 was bad in the past but then when my mom would got really mad at me for looking up sex related topic it hit me i had a problem and it didn’t really do much the more stressed and upset i got the more it got worse. I remember before my 13th birthday i got in trouble again for the same issue my mom said I could become a predator or that my actions could influence my sister that scared the shit outta me so i got mad at myself for not being able to change since i kept being this way since 7 and indulge in sh (not anymore physically not sure mentally ) she said i was manipulative and narcissistic when she found out. I never really felt anything afterwards but guilt and shame. I became super reliant on the internet as a way to relive stress or escape from real world issues and that probably fed into my issues as well. So Recently when I discovered twitter and realized that some how it allowed people to post anything without getting in trouble and seeing that peds were everywhere was gross and mix that in with my hypersxal issues it made me so afraid of what my mom said and it stayed in the back of my mind I’ve felt guilty and afraid if i ever stumbled upon content that would make me feel gross and like i was a bad person cause i was already in a state of stress. i felt so much more guilt than ever.And because of that my pocd has honestly been super shit because being told i am manipulative and narcissistic are traits of peds and its getting really hard to combat these thoughts and make me think i actually am one and its so hard to explain my situation and my past experiences without feeling like everything i say is an excuse to my thoughts. Talking about it so easily on here makes me feel awful too (but it so badly feels like i need to) and really bad like im not making excuses i just don’t know wth is wrong with me and my desperation even makes it gross too like im begging to be accepted for something so vile. I have to be so careful with what i say but even more so it makes me seem more like one of them cause ik those people use that to abuse issues like pocd and other illnesses to seem “normal”. And the thing is I don’t feel normal i feel disgusting the thing is im not and can never feel normal again and I genuinely want these things to stop. EvenToday i felt like my friend didn’t like me anymore and knew about what i thought because she’s very nonchalant in how she speaks and i was just trying to keep the mood up so I didn’t start crying right there. But,Crying even makes me feel awful my mom told me something along the lines of crying doesn’t affect anyone and isn’t valid or she’ll give me something to cry about . I’ve cried for forgiveness from her once when she got mad at my irregular in sex interest for a kid when i was in trouble because no matter what she wouldn’t believe me and usually then thats when i would try to hurt myself out of regret and then she would call me a manipulator and that i would end up like her brother. Ik the correlation is weird but crying makes me feel worse for some reason like im manipulative and my actions are truly the worst and I deserve to suffer for it and if i try to do it myself im even more manipulative. Also that when i cry its extremely invalid and not normal. I feel like this whole thing was useless to write but i feel a need to explain my tendencies or else ill feel guilty for anyone feeling pity for me of accepting the fact i have pocd because they don’t question it cause how do u not know im lying i don’t want u too but I don’t even know myself. Like im very good at analyzing my behavior and emotions but my emotions are not and i feel extremely detached from being able to actually show my true intentions. Like i wrote this with the intent of a small discussion that turned into a story a whole essay even idk really . Though im still afraid that if someone reads this they’ll be like yeah ur behaviors are that of a ped and ur just a manipulative ass who is using pocd as an excuse and ur so far down in ur lies you don’t even realize it. Ive been called so many things by people close to me like a manipulator, narcissistic, pathological liar etc that i sorta believes some things and that it bleeds into my issues with ocd and just twist my brain. The only way i can try and make sure or at least come to terms for the time im not doing or acting such so is comparing themes and how similar my actions from what I remember. Im so sorry for this being incredibly long and redundant and stupid and probably irrational behavior just yeah 😞.

OCD makes me feel like my reality is not the same as everyone else around me. Like my mind is just in another place, and doesn’t see things the way others do. It’s a weird feeling I can’t really explain…but it sucks. It’s lonely and very scary when you don’t see things the way you used to. It’s like you’ve learned something that no one else will understand and you can’t unlearn it or un-know it. Like you’re just constantly stuck in your own world and own narrative. You know it’s weird, different, unreasonable and irrational, but it’s maddening when the other half of your brain feels otherwise. Like it is real, it is the truth. What scares me the most is thinking about how I used to see things, versus now…my perspective is so different. That’s when I go down the rabbit hole of perspective and how everyone has their own. I just want my old perspectives back. I don’t see things the same way anymore and it almost makes me feel like I’m going through a grieving process.

I'm 26 and have had OCD symptoms since I was a small child. My grandfather is diagnosed OCD, and my parents were very concerned that I had OCD as a kid. I believe that I "grew out" of most of my noticeable compulsions/rituals as I grew up. (I probably just learned to cope a bit) but the intrusive thoughts are incredibly overwhelming sometimes, the intrusive thoughts seemed to just get worse as I grew up. I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2010. In 2010, I was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia, but that diagnosis doesn't seem off-base, as anxiety has ruled my life for as long as I can remember. I thought about trying to get diagnosed properly, as I believe my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis was just childhood trauma (willing to expound on that later on) but I'm also worried that it might not help. What if it doesn't change anything? I've made it 26 years while coping (barely coping, sometimes) so I just wanted to ask, Has a diagnosis really changed your life? (Thanks in advance)

Hello everyone. I was wondering if there is anyone else on her that is finally getting the help they always needed at an older age. I am 62, and have had a lot of therapy that didn't really do much for me.

So i said to many things to the therapist that she said she cant give me a diagnosis cause theres lot of things i say and it could be a diagnosis but i contradict everything and i dont show signs... so theres alot of problem that i made myself believe that is a real problem, i diagnosed myself, and theres one that is real. The only thing i need to do is just watch these thoughts and emotions and donz try to see why i have them... so that means i need to stop saying this is ocd too. So now i have a really bad anxiety with harm thoughts and i cant say its ocd and it doesnt even feel like its that cause it comes with anger and hopelessness(and the therapist said it too that ocd is fear of the thoughts) so now that i dont know what is it, i worry more and more...

I started having ocd after I gave birth and was so scared to be around my baby and for a whole year I didn’t know what was wrong with me I would go to therapy and they said if I didn’t take medication I was never going to be ok! I than found NOCD online and it was a struggle so to having to open past traumas and wounds. I suffer from pure ocd and currently have a fear about being around any guy specially my brothers or dad I get taboo images and it’s the scariest feeling ever. I’m supposed to love them and not feel like this.

My harm theme started 8 months ago and has gradually gotten worse. I have a few days/ weeks that are good and then will quickly go back to a week of severe anxiousness. Since this started I have hardly felt like myself. I realize recovery will not happen overnight and is not linear. My question while in recovery does it take awhile to feel like your self again? I am currently in an anxious spiral and just finding it hard to believe I will ever feel normal again. Any recovery stories would be great.

Rumination central right now.

I'm very scared rn Hi I am having very bad anxiety and I'm really really scared bc of my real/event false memories. I know we aren't supposed to give reassurance but at this point l'm scared it's not ocd and it's real life. Esp bc my ocd is different My ocd revolves around an obsession about me getting assaulted/raped. This started at the start of the me too movement in 2017. I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years at this point and I read this article about a girl getting raped by her boyfriend. After I read this I got bad anxiety (I have no idea why) and I got a false memory tied onto a real event that added things that did not happen. My mind said this happened to u this happened to u and it led me to full blown ocd rabbit hole. I was mentally checking, researching, asking for reassurance compulsively, etc. I didn't realize I had ocd (I always thought I had anxiety around random "obsessions" lol). This led me to being literally not functional due to these crazy obsessions. I could not stop thinking about rape. I would go out to bars (I was in college at the time) and get drunk and be convinced someone did something to be. It was literally horrible. I did not tell my boyfriend about any of this bc I did not realize wtf was going on in my head. I thought I was straight up losing it. I ended up getting diagnosed with ocd when my i opened up to my roommate about all of this and she herself had bad ocd and she told me hey um I think u have serious ocd. Low and behold I got diagnosed (3 times by 3 different dr bc I wasnt convinced lol) anyways my current thing that I am obsessing about is this: when I was deep in my obsessions I would act quite weird about sex. It was like my ocd was wanting me to avoid but me myself wanted to have sex. Basically if I wanted to have sex I would need to feel in control and I would also have tons of intrusive thoughts. Again, I didn't tell my boyfriend any of this bc I didn't know wtf was going on. My boyfriend and I were laying in bed and he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said maybe later bc I started getting intrusive thoughts. I remember at the time thinking I can have sex and then my ocd came in. Anyways we were laying in bed and he asked if we could just put it in and not have sex sometimes we would go to sleep cuddling like that TMI I'm sorry). Anyways we were laying there and just to preface he did not start having sex with me. I said to him "are we gonna have sex" and then when I said that he said ohh and then started said imitating it. Then I got some intrusive thoughts "are u allowed to be having sex rn be u said maybe later, why did he not say yes or no to u, is this rape?" And then my ocd made me turn and ask him again "l'm confused are we having sex yes or no?" When I asked this we stopped and then he said "oh yes it feels good" and then I said "okay" and turned and we continued. Anyways my ocd has latched on to this event. It keeps telling me this was rape and "how do I know Consented" "how do I know if this was rape or not" it's causing me extreme distress. I literally CANT remember why 1asked if we were gonna have sex. This event happened 4 years ago and I didn't remember is organically I think I remembered it a couple weeks after it happened bc my ocd would make me scan thru all my memories and it remembered that one bc it's weird! And then it is adding in false memories, false feelings, false stuff into this memory to the Point I have ruminated over it so much I can't remember what actually happened. I'm so scared bc my ocd won't let it go bc it keeps saying u need to know if it's rape, u can't move on bc u are going to be scared for life and u need to break up with ur boyfriend. Then as a secondary obsession it says to me u actually have PTSD not ocd and this is all true and real and u are in denial and blaming the truth on ocd. Can someone please help me I think l'm going to lose my mind. I also posted on Reddit like 40 times and everyone told me it wasn't rape but that's not enough. Something else I noticed about this thought is it keeps changing around how it happened and what not. Also to add like my boyfriend has never been pushy with me, and I know I can always say I don't want to do something and he would stop immediately. I also did talk to my boyfriend about this recently and he told me that we started having sex after I asked are we gonna have sex and that's why we had sex. But my ocd keeps telling me how do I know if that's consent or not. Someone please for the love of god help me l'm so scared

(TW: eating disorder, self harm) Last year I went through an ED, I had anorexia. I can say that now and accept that but I also have OCD I was pulled out of school and cut off everyone I knew from my school which left me with no one. I was alone and scared, but I still was so in deep to an eating disorder I continued on. Instead of facing the actual problem itself, I let myself get worse and moved to a school where I knew no one. I already have really bad social anxiety, and anxiety and general so when I moved it was extremely hard for me to make friends, or honestly just even talk. Even when I was at my previous school I never felt “normal.” I grew up with a sick mom which is obviously out of her control, but I would miss tons of school for her appointments, surgeries, (etc.)When I would come back into school, I struggled especially with math and I always felt as if all eyes were on me because I was the kid who was never there. I was also “chubbier” when I was younger and kids are mean so I was picked on for that. Before I was at my previous school I had been talking about, I was at another school, a Christian conservative school. There again I was quiet and awkward didn’t have many friends, but I was also struggling with the fact that maybe I like girls. When your taught your entire life that your going to “burn in hell” for liking the same gender, it really effects you. So, I moved from that school to the next school, there I made some friends and was happy for a while until I looked around me and for one of the first times in my life questioned my body. I was the “bigger girl” of my friend group where they were all stick thin, (and again they could not help that at all this is not me saying it’s all their fault) end of that year in school, my best friend developed and ED, at the time I didn’t even know what it was, but she had lost so much weight extremely quickly. I remember her showing me these workouts on YouTuve that she was doing so ofc I followed her lead. It started off as me trying to be healthier but then became an obsession. I would cry if I missed a workout I couldn’t live without it. And then I continued to watch more of this persons channel and other channels like it where these grown women were, well grown. They were built the way they are not from doing these hour long cardio workouts but from lifting, eating the right diet, and sometimes plastic surgery and yet they still promote to their young audience under eating, and not clearly stating “hey to look like me it takes alot more than just this for hours a day” knowing they have a very young and impressionable audience. Anyways, I started counting calories aswell and that became the biggest thing. I would put it as low as I could staring at 1,800 and then “oh well today I got in 1,700 yay let’s try to aim for lower” the numbers were so addicting to me counting every little thing, the lower it was the happier with myself I was. I couldn’t physically eat anything unless I knew the calories to put in my phone, it consumed me, my whole life. I lost weight extremely fast, well I also started to develop feelings for my best friend (who is also a girl) I live in a very homophobic town, in the south, and my mother is extremely unaccepting. I told her that I liked her and that not only did I like her but at the time where I was so quiet she was like my life line, the only person, friend that I even had. I cared so much about her more than I had ever cared about anybody. I never expressed these feelings on my own will to my mom because well she’s a girl. She responded back to me about how she didn’t feel the same but “omg I do rly like (girls name) should I ask her out today??” That hurt. So much. Not the fact that she didn’t like me in a romantic way but my “best friend” completely regarded and ignored everything about how I said that she was literally the only person I had left in my life at the moment and how I cared so so much about her. It felt like damn, your rly fucking stupid your alone and no one likes you, no one even cares about you, the one person who you thought would care obviously did not so what’s the point anymore. I went to our schools bathroom and just broke down. I had scratched my wrist really bad so when I went back into our class people could tell something was off. I finished my classes for that day until it got to break and my best friend and the girl she liked were now dating, she didn’t even bother to check on me at all. So I went home that evening obviously upset and my mom asked me what’s wrong over and over. She knew something was up so when we got home she got mad at me and locked me in our car, took my phone and went through my messages. It was one of the worst days of my life, the screaming the yelling the things she said to me about me liking a girl, my eating disorder, everything was to much so I locked myself in my bathroom and scratched my wrist even more. I was to afraid to actually cut but my mom preyed my door open and saw the scratches, they were bleeding a little bit at this point and instead of comforting me she got even angrier. She pulled me out of my school, I finished the year online with no one. That summer was a lonely one I just kinda obsessed over food, and lost a ton of weight. Well summer ended and here I go starting another school. God it was horrible, my class was all homophobic and racist I’m not even going to lie. Now there was this one girl who I had met and we started dating, she was in a different class than me but we never got to see each other much at all. Months went on my mom not knowing. It would’ve been amazing if everyone in my class who first off I didn’t even know weren’t so mean and hurtful to me about it. They judged me for being bisexual and now I had no friends still other than my gf, I was depressed but whatever yk life was eh. I only went deeper into an ED and then my mom found out about my relationship. It was ofc horrible so she made me break up with the one person I had in life. So I went to school with no one and yeah that’s when my depression took over me and my ED got worse than it ever had before. It was my way to cope, to feel in control of my life. I only had coffee one day for breakfast (also I’m a XC runner it’s something that I still am very very passionate about so I was doing all of that plus these “workouts” on nothing) I got to school and almost passed out. In short my mom picked me up and took me to the hospital 4 hours away to see a nutritionist the next day, never a therapist because “those are for crazy people” - in her words. The nutritionist was told me my BMI was extremely low and that I had developed sufficient liver damage from lack of protein and that if I kept up the way I was I would die. Also that I had hypoglycemia. That was scary the scariest moment of my life ofc I cried at first but I never thought that I could change, at one point I just kinda accepted death. But at the same time it was scary yk dying. The doctor also told me I had a very over compulsive personality from what she had observed and that I most likely have OCD, that she would get me a consult for a therapist. Well my mom never let me go so… my mom made me finish the year online for the most part accept for that last couple of weeks. We had a dance I went to it with a guy my mom forced me to go with, had a horrible time (no friends at all, anxiety, and my ex girlfriend there who I missed) so I left early upset and made my mom pick me up that was the last time they ever saw me. I did some time online before moving back to my old school. Also while going to that school it was the first time I have ever been judged by my race. I’m half Hispanic my dad is Peruvian so my last name is Spanish. And just because of that I was called a lot of racial slurs and for the first time I looked at my skin color and was like “damn am I rly that different from these people because I’m a little darker than them???” So yeah. When I moved back halfway through the year god it was nerve wracking, I had to explain to all of my friends what I went through and that was tough. I also had to get my life back, be more emotionally strong. I went back and it took awhile but I finally have my friends back. But it feels like they don’t understand and even make jokes sometimes about how I used to miss sm school while they know what happened. It makes me depressed and angry and like I have this burden on my back. I still obsess over situations that happened, replay them in my head and I feel stuck. I’ve recovered from anorexia on my own which was not easy but I’m alive. I’m so lucky to even be here rn. To recover form anorexia I didnt stop working out i changed my relationship with it, I started lifting and running I’ve gained 25lbs so far and I couldn’t be happier I’m trying to gain more because lifting and running makes me happy it’s my passion. I ofc changed my diet aswell which was a very long and hard journey but I made it, again I’m alive, I feel so blessed to be here but I still obsess over things that happened in the past, comments ppl make now, and I’m still quiet not as bad as I used to be but that anxiety that everyone hates me is still there. I’m trying to move on but how. I replay those events over and over and it just makes me cry my friends also don’t understand and that hurts even worse. Sorry for the long rant, if your struggling right now please know it gets better it just takes time and baby steps along the way.❤️

Does anyone else ever feel so overwhelmed by indecision they just don’t want to think anything at all? You just start to feel numb?

I know for most medication is a lifesaver. But has anyone found that meds made it worse for them? Who here does it without meds, who here does it with meds and what works for you? I don't think my current med Nortriptyline is helping as much as it should.

My POCD and real events OCD is making me think I’m a P and a Chomo for the extremely horrible real events I did when I was 13… I had no idea what m*lestation or anything like that was when I was 13… I really didn’t… and someone gave an incorrect definition of it… it’s making it feel like I’m certain of it when I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in anyway shape or form… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭