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….I think…. I wanna break up… I don’t have symptoms anymore.. I don’t know if I got use to this way of thinking… 😞 I know I love him a lot. I just… I know I shouldn’t post anymore until I get help… I know what I’m doing will make things worse for me… But I even said I love you to my partner… I kept trying to hold his hand but each day I feel different. I don’t have ROCD anymore… I don’t know what to do anymore…. If someone gets mad at me I am sorry…

I got diagnosed in October (even tho I’ve had very obvious symptoms since I was a young kid in hindsight) and started ERP soon after. At first, ERP seemed to make sense to me. The whole idea of exposing yourself to your triggers and overtime learning that there’s no real threat there, and learning to tolerate anxiety. But during this holiday season my harm theme has come up a bit again, due to being home with my family and their playing violent shows on TV. And it occurred to me that there seems to be no winning with ERP. I would sit there watching the violent shows with my family, and try my hardest to resist any mental compulsions, but then just be left feeling horrible and anxious all day. And I realized that I actually DON’T WANT to be desensitized to violence. I don’t want to get to a point where violent thoughts don’t make me anxious, because I think that would make me a less empathetic and less pure-hearted person. To get even more specific, if I have an intrusive thought that says “what if I kill my family like I just saw in that tv show?” the ERP response would be “maybe I will kill my family, maybe I won’t”. BUT THAT’S AWFUL. That just sounds stupid to me. How is anyone supposed to say such a thing or “accept uncertainty” about that?? I would rather keep doing my mental compulsion of blocking out the thought than even entertaining the “uncertainty” that I could hurt my family. So it’s like, if I let the violent thoughts be there, my options are 1: feel horrible all the time (which I think is an appropriate response to having horrible thoughts, but it’s still not a fun way to live), or 2: if I try to push them out, that’s supposedly a compulsion which is supposedly making the OCD worse, so there no winning in either scenario for me. Can anyone relate? What am I missing here? There’s gotta be a better solution or something I’m not understanding about ERP, right?

I used to view my own thoughts as the enemy, telling me awful things that scared the shit out of me, not very helpful. I’m now trying to view my ocd thoughts, based on what I’ve learnt so far, as if coming from an over protective parent. Like as if I was going for a walk my brain will go “it might rain, better get ready for it, I know it’s sunny, but what if” and my response being “ah, it’s you again, thank you for looking out for me, yup maybe you’re right, it might rain, but right now it’s not raining, I’m gonna take my chances and not worry, and so what if I get wet, I’ll survive” (made up example with no triggers, unless you’re scared of rain, then I’m sorry) I’m gonna try using this method on heavier stuff, see how it goes, viewing my thoughts as enemy seems to make it worse

idk if it’s ocd making me feel guilty or if it’s actual guilt i should pay attention to. and it’s killing me.

"Having OCD is not just about germs and cleanliness" this was written by a therapist yesterday. Can you or someone else explain to me what it is about? I agree with the statement but really want to understand it so that I understand myself better.

I constantly feel like God is mad at me. I constantly feel guilt from the past. I feel if I don’t confess sins against certain people I’ll surely be condemned. Does anyone else go through this.

Sometimes I just want to cry at how long I’ve been battling ocd. Remembering who I was LITERALLY before summer, and who I am now. I have to accept that I may never be that girl again, but when I think about this world ocd has put me in, and the reality that it’s been almost six months of ups and downs and mental battles, it’s baffling. I think I’m just ruminating quite a bit right now. But the hard days like today just make me tired and sad. I don’t want to be that girl who fell into the darkest point of her life, desperate for relief or anything to stop the fear, but I do miss the girl before all of it. Meta ocd has a grip right now and I am TRYING to sit with it. Patiently waiting for the next fully good day. I get so scared of sadness. I get so scared the thoughts are real. I get so scared I’m not doing erp right, or using my tools right. Ugh. I just need to feel this, and move through it. 😞💙

Hi, I wanted to bring to this discussion something. I am an American of South Asian origin. In my culture there can sometimes be body shaming. This can be related to OCD in the way that Body Dysmorphia is OC-related. I would like to bring it up also as a non-OCD issue. There is colorism where a lot of people have an obsession with fair skin and darker-skinned people don’t get the same chances as fair-skinned ones (for example, most leading ladies in my parents’ homeland film industry are fair-skinned). In matrimonial ads people describe their daughters and even sons as “fair” as well as “slim” and “beautiful” and “handsome”. A Change.org petition caused skin-lightening cream (or skin-brightening, as the company claims) Fair and Lovely to change their name to “Glow and Lovely”. It has caused even some young women to commit suicide (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-50218947.amp). All skin tones are beautiful and unique. Don’t feel bad about yourself. You are beautiful as you are! People may criticize women for being heavier; my own cousin was rejected by a potential suitor because he thought she was “too short” and “too fat”. I find this highly disrespectful. Let’s treat others the way we would want to be treated. If he has a sister, what if a potential suitor called his sister that? Would he like it? Probably not. Skin bleaching is not good for your health, either. Thank you and feel free to share your thoughts.

So im in extreme panic and have extreme anxiety over something that is completely out of my control. I watch football and its something that i enjoy. However tonight took a traumatic turn. One of the players was tackled and collapsed on the field and went into cardiac arrest. They did cpr and have him on oxygen and he is in critical condition. One of my worst fears at the moment is having heart problems and having a Heart attack. And then to just witness it in somebody so young who’s only a few years older than i am is hard to stomach. I don’t want to make this about me in the moment although i know I’ll be stuck on this for weeks to come. All i can do is extend my prayers to this young mans family and hope he pulls through. I keep reminding myself that if he had any previous health conditions especially pertaining to the heart he would not be allowed to play football the begin with. So this all happened because of a tackle. It is so surreal and im in complete shock.

- I woke up with OCD thoughts, but I faced them head on rather than running from them! I unpacked the fears and they went away! I got out of bed to start my day so I wouldn't mentally laying there. - I took care of my body immediately when I noticed the OCD trying to hyperfocus on my body. - I also noticed myself trying to do "verbal reassurance" when I was alone by repeating the compulsion out loud, but I stopped that immediately. 💙

I've been dealing with my OCD for about 6 years now and it ebbs and flows, I'm going through a bout with it now and I'm having a hard time falling asleep and feeling like it's never going to go away. Any suggestions on how to fall asleep when you're battling and can't get out of your head?

Not feeling so great today, doesn't help I stayed in bed all day and didn't really eat for 24hrs etc I don't think, staying in bed longer ok, but I think I needed to eat something in between. Anyway I just feel like I've hit a brick wall with my thoughts and feelings. I feel dirty, feel I may be contaminating things etc, and finding it hard to rationalise things and be happy, I think some things are ok but I still think I'm in the wrong or something. Maybe I'm just in an OCD cycle where I can't think so clearly and it will pass. Anyone else feeling a bit numb with this

I was watching Black Clover for the first time while on the phone with a guy I’m talking to and the two main characters that are in it are 15 and it said it in the beginning but when it first showed the character Yuno, I thought he was an older character at first because he’s taller and more mature than the other main character so I had a random what I think was an intrusive thought saying that he was “good looking” or “hot“ or “attractive” and I’m freaking out so much because the character is 15 and I thought the character was older I guess and now I feel so disgusted and scared because I don’t want to be attracted to a 15 year old character that looks much older than he is and I know it’s just an anime but I don’t want to be a monster. I want to cry and my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t even want to watch it anymore 😭

Saying I’m straight feels like a huge lie. I hate that. It makes it feel so real. I cannot say ‘I’m straight’ without so much guilt

Sometimes I look at myself and find it hard to feel beautiful, my whole life I have been tall and over weight and it has made me feel very manly in a sense, or maybe that’s just because of my ocd. But looking at myself in the mirror with certain clothes trigger me. This year I really need to work on my health and overall just loving myself. I hope you guys have an amazing year and keep going on a great recovery path.

TW: Sexual (MSM) content; mentions of childhood abuse. Venting- This afternoon ROCD was swirling around in my head as were the thoughts about “Is there an element if truth to this? Am I just not physically attracted to him? I haven’t ever been, have I?” that I tried my best not to interact with. I did my exposure and actually felt like I did it right for the for the first time. I noticed where in my body the anxiety was and sat with that and felt really good afterward. It seemed like if I kept doing these exposures right, this would be something I could move past and my illness would diminish. It seemed like my distress was at a zero for the first time in a long while. Months? It seemed like I had a chance of getting better. We had a nice dinner and I played my computer game for a while afterward. We were talking about going to our room for the night and I looked over and saw a very plain face and facial weight. I tried to not interact with the interpretation of my BF. We realized we were tired and talked about going to bed but wanted to try intimacy. I decided to try behavior activation and do it and get ready anyway. I showered and got ready for sex and felt fine. I came out and something eventually got me or had gotten me triggered and into an irritable, pissy mood. OCD? Maybe. What would become a huge mood swing started off very very mild. It really grew as he started doing me. I felt triggered and frustrated by something but told myself to continue with the sex and see if it would diminish. I was trying to let it be present and not interact with it, but it increased. Even stuff he was doing during sex was frustrating me and irritating me. It got to the point where it became apparent I wasn’t into it and all I wanted to do was stop. He asked if I wanted to stop and I rolled off of his erection and put my face into the pillow, full of frustration, irritability, self-hatred, and the classic of “feeling ready to punch a hole in the wall.” It was awkward and embarrassing but stopping was what I needed to do. Anger and being irritable were overtaking me. I couldn’t fake it, I couldn’t deal with it. We’ve only had full on sex maybe 7 to 8 times over the 3 and a half years we’ve been together. After we stopped there was a good 7 or so minutes of silence and me breathing heavy into a pillow out of frustration. He eventually tried to comfort me and was nice but I’m convinced he should have been angry. I’m broken and his response is to tell me it’s going to be okay? WTF? I ruined it, and he deserves so much better. Not someone who f**king doubts him all the time, endlessly scrutinizes his appearance and is unconvinced they’re attracted. This sudden mood I got pulled into still hasn’t passed. I’m here thinking I haven’t healed from the decades of childhood physical abuse, school bullying, and long list of other issues. I’m here thinking I need rehab. I’m here wondering why I am not getting better when I’ve been in NOCD ERP therapy since early August. I’m having thoughts of debating sabotaging the relationship so he moves on and finds someone better. I feel freaking crazy. What should have been nice sex and connection turned into me getting irritated by something I can’t consciously pinpoint, the sex being ruined, me having a mental health spiral episode, and he’s now in the other bedroom because he thinks I need space. Can this even be ROCD at this point? What the hell? 😞 😢 ARRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHHH

TW: Sensorimotor obsessions Has anyone else dealt with this before and can give advice? I’ve recently kind of randomly started obsessing about whether I could pee myself in public and it’s led to me being hyper aware of my bladder and the sensations of peeing. I worry that I will not be able to stop paying attention to it and that my excessive attention on it will be what causes me to pee myself (up until now that hasn’t actually happened but I still worry). At first I tried to distract myself from it in the hopes that it wouldn’t turn into a full blown obsession, but I realized that is compulsive and actually makes it worse. I also tried to just use the bathroom as often as I can to make sure my bladder is empty, which of course was compulsive too and now I find it difficult to stop worrying about it even just after using the bathroom. I’m not sure how to approach it now, and I’m especially worried because I’ll be traveling by myself for the first time soon and will be staying with people I don’t know very well, so I know I will be in situations where I might worry about peeing myself. Can anyone give me advice on what to do to approach this? I won’t be starting therapy for a little while and I really want to do my best to address it on my own in the meanwhile.

I'm worried about the comphet. I haven't read the master document and I'm not going to but I've seen a little bit of what it says. What recently worried me was someone said that their attraction towards masculine women were comphet? That worries me bc there were only two girls I liked and it's bc they reminded me of boys, but I was not physically attracted to them and I didn't want to be in a relationship with them. I just admired there personality and I thought if they were boys I would probably like them. But I've met a lot of masculine women and never been attracted to them.

There’s nothing in this life but suffering… someone on here just told me that I was in denial of my HOCD and that my worst HOCD fear happened… I don’t know how I’m going to survive uncertainty because of this… I don’t know how I’m going to get better because of this… idk how I’m going to actually trust anyone on here anymore…

I’m thinking back and have always thought my SO-OCD began a few years ago, but I think it actually may have started when I was a little girl. I had a girl neighbor who was around the same age as me, and we hung out all the time. I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child, so when I made them I held onto them tight. One day, I can’t remember if it was her brother or her father, made a comment about me seeming like a lesbian. I don’t know why, maybe because I may have been clingy. But she was a very close friend of mine and likely any clinginess was a result of finally having a close friend, especially right next door to me. I remember being extremely hurt by this comment and embarrassed. My mind is trying to tell me that I was embarrassed because it was true and I just didn’t know because I was so young, but I honestly think that comment may have been the thing that started it all. Ever since then I have been super self-conscious about things that may come off as “acting gay” or something like that. But my mind is telling me that’s not why and I’m actually just truly attracted to girls. But I feel like that is really where it started. When I was super young, I was interested in boys. I had an enormous crush on a boy in kindergarten and thought he was the cutest boy I’d ever seen. I remember that. And I’ve had multiple intense crushes on guys but my head is telling me they weren’t real or I was just conforming to societal norms about straight relationships. And how my purposely avoidant actions for things like physical touch with other girls or sleeping in the same bed wasn’t because of that but just because I’ve always been attracted to girls and was in denial. But it just makes me think that might be the source, and if that’s true then it breaks my heart because 1. Those words should’ve never been spoken to me and 2. I will carry this around for the rest of my life all because of those few words. Not trying ti pity myself, just some thoughts. Sorry for the word vomit, but this has just been on my mind today and was curious to see if anyone else relates from this stemming from childhood. If anyone read this whole thing I hope you are all doing well. <3