Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Ugh I wanna cry. ERP therapy feels like torture. I know I need it but I wanna cry. I’m tortured

Does anybody else’s intrusive thoughts come in the form of “delusional thoughts”? I’ve been in a terrible episode of hypochondria or ocd for the past 6 months where I have FULLY convinced myself I am developing schizophrenia, it started with becoming really easily overstimulated and not being able to concentrate and now it has spiraled out of control to where I am constantly getting intrusive thoughts center around demonic stuff, which i have never ever believed before, I have always been skeptic. But now i get these thoughts all the time like “what if this song has hidden demonic meanings?” “What if your wife is a demon” “what if nobody is real and your just in hell” “what if this political figure if just being controlled by the devil”, the typical kind of delusional thoughts you would expect from a schizophrenic. Not only does the fact that I’m even having these thoughts in the first place scare the life out of me, but I have to constantly battle with these thoughts in my head if I believe them or not. I feel like I have to constantly hold myself back from fully going off the deep end, I feel like I have to constantly disprove these thoughts and stop myself from believing them, but they feel so real and it’s scaring me so much. One part of me is like “why can’t we just stop worrying about this, this is delusional” and another part of me is like “what if I actually do need to worry about if these things are true or not, they FEEL true” and I’m just like “wtffff I shouldn’t have to worry about if things like this are true at all in the first Place!” I feel like I have fully lost my mind, and in no time I’m going to lost this little bit of insight I have. Btw: yes I am seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist and all of them do not believe I am developing schizophrenia.

I did a pretty intense workout with an empty stomach and I felt shaky and anxious right after. I hate this feeling. I ate and Im laying here for the shakiness to wear off. My anxiety is high and I’m having ugly thoughts like “am I going to go crazy” am I going to feel this forever” and it’s making me sad. Can someone talk to me. This feeling sucks.

Finding coincidences/ clues / real details / things you believe is evidence / getting distorted memories ETC is this all part of false memory ocd?! I feel like the exception because of this. Not reassurance seeking just want to understand.

My OCD has been flaring since last night and all morning. Then I get a moment of clarity and apply the tools that I've learned, ground myself again, and continue on with my day. Then a slight thought will trigger my OCD and I'm fighting it again. It keeps happening and its still just 10 am right now. Has this happened to anyone else? What things have you done or told yourself that were helpful for you when this happened to you?

I was offline for a long time and a lot happend. So I'm going to tell you all my OCD in my case my SOCD and ROCD story. Yes I have Ocd. Yes I have Anxiety. Yes I struggeld imensly with HOCD but I am a LOT better now. My sickness doesnt define me and it took a lot of time to accept that, becouse OCD is full of doubt. Im going to tell you my Story in Hopes, that it will help someone get through this. I have OCD and ADHD both ilnesses just got diagnosed two years ago but I had symptoms my whole childhood. I got extremly anxious when something out of the ordinary happend, like an unplanned visit or somethingwas not placed were it had bern before, but also so exited that something new was Happening that I couldnt sit still. Having OCD and ADHD for me is like being pulled from two sides. It's being scared of everything but also so impulsive that I think I need to do all the compulsions. That means in my childhood years I was just confused I'm imensly attracted to men but when I had thoughts that I could have a crush on a close friend of mine I was just confused. I didn't really felt anything romantic but had a fear that I could have. But to this time my ADHD wasn't medicated and that meant my OCD wasn't in the front so my imupulsivity didn't allow me to have longer thoughts or actions. My OCD started getting worse with my ADHD medication. It was the time that I got together with my now fiance and I had constant fears like "what if I didn't love him","what if he is not the one for me" and I asked EVERYONE in my close proximity for validation. That I'm not doing something wrong. That I'm not a bad person. But one day OCD hit me so hard I almost couldn't breath. Like I mentioned earlier I always had a fear about the topic "what if I'm a lesbian" and one day in my mother's house the thought came and didn't want to go. I was so anxious, filled with shame, scared and terrified becouse I know I'm not a homosexual woman.Simultaneously came the thought if I didn't want to be gay that has to mean I'm homophobic. I'm not a lesbian, I'm not homophobic but this thoughts, urges, mental images and "feelings" made my life the past two years a living hell. I started checking my arousal constantly, started trying to picture myself as a lesbian, started being scared of rainbows, women and men and just about the possibility of living a lie wich I knew I didn't. But still I was so full of doubt that I spend days doing compulsions and just didnt had the courage to stop, I started masturbating to lesbian media to see if I get turned on, watching WLW tiktoks to check my arousal and making every am I gay guiz and video I could find but still after this, and not knowing why I was doing this, now I know that they were compulsions, this little spark of "yeah I did something to prevent my sexuality from changing" but still feeling extremly anxious all the time and full of doubt made me do them all the time. I didn't know I had OCD back then so it was more scary but soon I found what was "wrong" with me. I searched on the Internet for quizzes and just answers when I stumbled over an article that informed about a subtype of OCD ,SOCD. After reading that article I had a light-bulb moment, one that I feared I would get while watching lesbian media but never got. After knowing what's "wrong" with me things didnt get easier, I was close to losing my boyfriend who I love dearly and losing a job I had got two months. The compulsions and this doubt didn't seem to stop. I talked with my psychiatrist about my "ilness" and she confirmed to me that I have indeed OCD and I just felt numb, I thought I would be happy but I was just sad. I broke my boyfriends heart multiple times by asking if he thinks I love him and questioning everything our relationship, our sexlive and our future. I spend so much time analysing my arousal and attraction to women and men that I almost was "sure" that I'm lesbian and just wanted to be done with it. I didn't want to be so anxious so every outcome was "fine" for me. I wouldn't be happy as a lesbian because I don't like the female genitalia and am a suckered for Men but I just was tired. Tired of doubting my love, my sexuality and my whole existence. But somehow, I m not really sure how, it all got better. After losing my Job and needing to go to the JobCenter, something in my head made "click". Me and my boyfriend were now together for three years and have experienced so much hardships, beauty and fun that I went to the next jewellery shop and bought two rings and asked him to be my husband. I had a massive anxiety attack after that, that made my OCD head spin with questions like, was this the right time, do I even want him and so on. But I am so imensly thankful that I have such a cool, attractive, annoying and hilarious fiance and even if my had thinks Im doubting seeing him in our new forever home is a sight so beautiful that I never thought I would have the honour to see. I still struggeld with OCD months after that and still do but after getting a new job and a new place to live with my fiance I feel really better now. I don't want to say you need to find a fiance, a new job, and a new home to beat OCD you just need to find your spark again, something that drives you wild. I still question if listening to songs produced by homosexuals means I'm gay, even if I know it's bullshit. I'm still scared of not checking my arousal and fearing of missing a sign that would totally kill me if it were true. I really think we people with OCD must just accept, "Yes, I have OCD and yes I have and will have massive anxiety over my subtype of OCD but it's just me. I have full control even if my head tries to tell me otherwise". OCD doest define me and it doesn't define you. It probably will never go away and "HECKYEAH!!" after almost beating my HOCD I can almost feel my other type of OCD rising, my constant fear of sickness and death but I'm prepared. I know myself a whole lot better now and even if it sounds strange writing the words "lesbian", "gay", "homosexual" still triggers me so much that I want to dii compulsions, that I want to check if I feel something I'm not going to do it and most importantlyI dont need to. OCD changed me but not in the way I thought and feared it would. I now can say I don't care about what my sexuality is and about labels becouse I just love a Human that happens to be the most attractive man I've ever seen, with all my heart and cant imagine a live without him in it. I feel really happy and grateful I finally can talk my friends again without constantly fearing that I want to sleep with them and finding woman beautiful without thinking I'm not straight. I'm still not 100% there yet and I'll probably never will but that's okay. We don't need to have everything figured out. Yes, I have OCD. Yes, I have ADHD. And yes, I struggeled and still struggle with HOCD but that doesn't define me. We people with OCD know that our fears are just in our heads. I just wish everyone that read this far, wich I know are going to be a LOT of immensly anxious, scared and confused individuals that want an answer NOW, IMMEDIATELY, or I will die this second and even if this second passes its the next second and so on. You know yourself better than OCD ever will. I can only say. I've been there, I know how hard it is and knowing, no-one else in my close range thinks like this, to think I'm going insane and feeling like a total outcast because the compulsions and thought, pictures, "feelings" and urges just dont seem to stop and sadly they probably never will. OCD can come from your GENES, trauma or something else. But that isn't important you have it and you can live with it. I wasted two years on OCD in trying to figure out a question which I had an answer to my whole life but the "what ifs made" me so terrified that I could lose myself that I did so much compulsions I didn't do anything else. But belive me if you feel immens pressure in your chest and tummy and anxiety it is OCD. And please for the love of God, sorry I m passed becouse I found this out, really late and it's just really funny and dumb. If you have a thought that starts with "What if" Or ""I'm so scared that" And doenst go away and wants you to do research or other compulsions. This is probably OCD. Don't use this as a compulsion. Fear is never good in giving direction. And please, please remember. You are still here on this planet and live a live that could end in a heart beat. I really don't know who is reading this and I also don't care. If you read this, this is for you. My complete OCD Story that will go on for the rest of my life but never will stop me or you from being happy. Go out, have fun, meet friends, fall in love or dont but just put your phone and thoughts aside and live. OCD is a sickness and has patterns find yours and learn about yourself. I have OCD and when you read that far you probably to but don't let our sickness define us. Let's live the best live we can even if we feel anxious and want to check everything you font need to have everything figured out. Trust in yourself, You are a strong Human but I know it takes time. Just remember that whoever reads this if you don't belive that you can live a happy live with OCD than be sure that I belive in you. I have OCD. I have ADHD. But even if I have them. I'm still myself and even if it's still hard I love myself. And I strongly belive in you, whoever reads this and that your big and scary OCD monster will get smaller. Till then make fun of yourself, make fun of OCD, Bully the Bully, don't take yourself so seriously and just relax. I have a lot to do today so I should really stop writing... But just one last point. Search professional help. If you are to deep in OCD it's the best thing ib getting the hold and medications help. I really wish all of you the best.

It made me even forget how ocd works. Ocd is lying and often the thing we fear about cant happen its just our imagination, but right now im afraid of falling back where i was when i had really bad ocd, so im afraid of a really bad relapse. And i keep feeling that it will come, i have the same emotions and my mindset starts to shift back too... im afraid tko feel those emotions again, to feel that bad. But i know this feeds my ocd... then the solution is let it come back, let myself get that relaose and all the scary emotion just that i can show my brain its not dangerous? It sounds stupid tho..

anyone have advice on how to continue participating in your fave activities, hobbies, ect when you're having specific intrusive thoughts about those exact things that you typically enjoy? ocd has *really* been attacking my special interests, hobbies, work, ect. I usually just push through and let the thoughts happen while I'm doing them anyways, but it gets honestly exhausting.

Everyday I get triggered and have a mini mental breakdown. Today me and my partner took a shower, immediately after getting out I accidentally touched the clothes I took off and since they're "dirty" I started spiraling. I tried to ignore the panic setting in and calm down by just laying down but I "contaminated" my bed and blanket by doing it. I ended up crying and napping as my partner rubbed my back. They're so sweet, I don't deserve them at all. Especially since I can barely even kiss or hug them anymore. I'm getting worse and worse.

Anyone else on here struggle with religious based ocd? Just wanting to see what some other people who deal w it experience. It’s been really hard and flaring up recently. Would love to connect with others that deal with this :(

Hi guys! I'm actually doing pretty well lately but this obsession is sticking, and I don't like it. It's kind of sexual and disgusting so be warned. Basically, when I was 14, I was sitting next to my 7 sister and adjusting my pants. My hand accidentally slipped and pressed between my legs. It felt good, obviously. I knew then that doing sexual things around others was not okay, but for whatever reason, I subtly pushed my hand there again. I didn't do it again, and nobody saw, but it's so disgusting. I was next to my sister. And I was 14—that's a high schooler, a ninth grader. I should have known better by then. I know people always say there's no age to stop making mistakes, but this is about hard boundaries. It's incredibly inappropriate. I feel really bad about it and I genuinely think what I did was wrong, and that I deserve to—not go to jail, I don't think I'm a criminal or anything, but I deserve to be treated with disgust at least. I don't think this is forgivable. Am I overreacting? Please help me out, guys. Thank you!

hi so i am pretty new to discovering ocd and trying to figure out why i am feeling the way i am feeling. i’ve never been diagnosed with ocd and honestly thought my anxiety was just super bad until it started affecting the way i saw my relationship. i’ve never had this bad of anxiety in my relationship and around november of last year is whenever i started noticing the cycle of repeated thoughts of “should i break up with him?” ive been with my boyfriend for almost two years. yes we’ve been through our ups and downs and our relationship has overall been such a beautiful relationship (super healthy compared to old ones) we love each other deeply and communicate and just overall find ways to help improve our relationship healthier and i’ve had a doubt here and there throughout these years but since last November i started feeling disconnected with him a little. i started to question sometimes if i really loved him. other times i told myself and asked myself if i should break up with him. if we really loved each other. i started focusing on his features a lot more. to the point where these thoughts around him made me feel so extremely uncomfortable. i’ve done all my research trying to figure out if I love him or not and trying to find reassurance and other people stories to see if they feel the same way I would also see how I feel whenever I was around him and it got to a point where I overall just felt very disconnected with him and a lot of different forms. I sometimes will forget about these thoughts and I will go out through my week throughout my days and I won’t even think about them and then something good will happen actually and it will trigger that immediate thought or sometimes we’re not even doing anything we’re just hanging out and being together and that will trigger the thought of wanting to break up with him and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it makes me panic gives me anxiety and it just stresses me out because I know it’s not true, but my brain has tried to fully convince myself it is. I was doing really good and I figured out how healthy I wanted this relationship to be recently and because we’ve been so stressed on talking about our relationship and moving on even further and growing together, it started coming back and now I’m very very anxious again. I also have this type of anxiety of obsessing over things such as my health. When it comes to my gut health to my skin I have a very bad habit of having perfectionism not only within, my body face and everything around what is myself. I have a lot of anxieties, and I always thought it was just very severe anxiety until when I was researching why I was doubting my love for my boyfriend I heard of ROCD and I was super curious to know if I even have OCD, I brought it up with my psychiatrist and she doesn’t think that I have any. I have so much anxiety over this I feel like it’s physically and mentally controlling my body from how much it’s overwhelming me. I don’t know what to do. I keep convincing myself it’s not even RCOD and maybe I truly don’t love him but I have no other proof or feelings that that could be true. It’s just a thought that circles in my head and no matter how many reassurance I give myself it will come back within an hour, if someone could please give some advice I will have my own therapy session here soon and I’m very excited to know how I can overcome this

I'm not sure if this is part of my ocd or not. In some ways it feels like it is and in other ways it feels like it isn't. So I go through these cycles of throwing all of my possesions away like clothes and books etc everytime a relationship ends or whenever someone has hurt me. I even sold my car once as I was so hurt by my ex that I wanted a different car that she had never been in or seen. I remember the first time I felt and did this was when I was about 12 and my father had let me down so much in life that i decided i no longer wanted to support the same football team as him and I ripped up every piece of memorabilia and pictures i had taken with the players etc I am now 36 and I still doing the same thing. I am currently putting my backpacking photos from 8 years ago into an album as it is something I have wanted to do for a while. A lot of the pictures I am very drunk in and not proud of as I believe that was the time i started struggling mentally. Also a lot of the pictures have a guy in that i became good friends with at that time but in the years since then where I have become sober he did nothing but try to derail that so i dont particularly count him as a friend anymore let alone a good friend and a lot of the pictures just make me feel angry now when I look at them. My question is does anyone else have this and is it ocd or is it normal?

Today as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, my mind was being hammered with uncontrollable images and scenes of same-sex friends and relatives performing sexual acts on me and me doing it on them. Like, I couldn't even sleep afterwards because these thoughts kept me awake. My body started reacting to them, making me feel viscerally that I would enjoy those experiences. I felt like I wanted to have sex with every same-sex person I laid my eyes upon the entire day. On the streets, on TV, you name it... Jesus freaking Christ, why??????? This is so irritating! My OCD has gone meta and it feels incredibly hard to see through all this BS. It's gotten to a point where I feel extremely jealous of people who don't have to put up with this nonsense that I've been dealing with for 12 freaking years since I was 14. I see couples on the street, all my siblings are married and have kids. In fact, my brother got married last week and my sister is expecting another baby. I guess I should be happy for them and deep down I am, but when will I get to experience these things without OCD interfering? Most of the people around the world are straight, it's all natural to them and they don't have to to put up with this mental tonture to make a case for their heterosexuality, but I do? 12 years with HOCD and these thoughts, images and urges are starting to feel ego-syntonic to me now. I'm so done.

i want to just pour my heart out and leave it here and i hope for some reassuring advice ❤️ me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half and he is everything to me. he is the type of boy who would drop anything for you if you even slightly need him, without even asking. who always goes out of his way to make you feel special- you get the jist. but my ocd is triggered over various different things throughout my life, espcially when it comes to my partner. i become overhwlemed and doubt my relationship- i cant even look at him/touch him at times without fwelung like something bad will happen to him. this results in many arguments as i take my anger out at him when i know i shouldnt, as he can not help triggering me. i try and work very hard to change these actions wverday- but as much research, journaling, exersize and communication i do it always ends up the same. its putting a massive strain on our relationship and i have developed rocd and am having intense doubtful thoughts- what would you do in this situation?

My new obsession is any little pain I feel around my heart or arm is a heart issue even if I know deep inside is no my thoughts will try to convince me that it is and that I should be hyper super alert of any sensation for “safety” well today I stopped the hyper focus on it and just letting the pain be there I felt so risky like I was risking my life but pain when away and I felt so much better after taking the “risk”

I’ve had the same themes of ocd on and off for years. I have a new theme i’ve never had before now. Has that happened to anyone else?

How’s everyone doing? I’ve had 2 really great days followed by today where the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have come back a little. Sigh. It’s such a non-linear journey. Curious how everyone else has been?

Do y’all fake being happy? There’s days I’m happy but others not do much. Sometimes I feel I’m not really happy.

Hey, So I was supposed to finish school in 2020 but Covid kinda messed that up so I graduated in 2021. I always had the plan to study nursing but with my OCD and the pandemic I opted to wait and take a sort of gap year. Fast forward to the present day with exception to a job or two here and there I have no career. I’m 21 unemployed and feel completely lost and isolated. I have no direction in life. OCD caused me to ghost all my friends in 2022, I have nobody except my dogs. Leaving the house to go to the shop gets more intense and scary each time I do it, my ocd is only getting worse