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Any one else deal with this? Like from the moment they wake up to the second they fall asleep, the intrusive thoughts are there?

So i started to feel like a lesbian again and that i have to be one. I dont want to be one. I just dont. But being straight feel like a lie now. I question my whole life, my feelings and everything. The biggest indicator of this must be that i will be slowly 21 year old and ive never dated anyone and i dont really find anyone attractive and i dont even know if i truly was attracted to someone and im scared of relationships i might have trauma or have anxious avoidant attachment. Help me. I do feel lost. Really lost. I dont know who am I anymore. I feel like that i must have been gay my whole life now. I feel like an alien. I sometimes feel like 2 people are living inside of me.😞😞😞

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

I've become so obsessed with knowing whether my devices are hacked or not that I have been getting little sleep. I switch my phone off at night but I can't stop checking it intermittently to see if it's switched on by itself when I'm not looking. Nothing has happened, but I'm wired. Ugh

How long should I do ERP, so that my brain gets used to it, not to say tired?! I've been working for about three months, but everything still seems vivid in my head, there are even vulgar words in detail... since the sexual topic is both a groinal and a feeling that I want to touch myself. It's mostly related to faces and genitals, so how exactly can that go, if it's emphasized that sex pictures in themselves give that feeling, whoever is in them?

I love horror movies and would watch them random sometimes even Terrifier cause art is my new favorite character. I just felt like I was a bad person for this⁉️ I don’t support his actions but I like his goofy faces he makes. I can’t enjoy anything no more Literally me rn in life

I have been ruminating on why I have been having intrusive thoughts on a specific topic. Anyone know why? Where do they come from? It freaks me out and makes me think that it came from a real memory (I struggle with false memory OCD)

hi peeps today i found out i have mono, and for someone with contamination ocd that sucks even more than usual. am i really supposed to be worried about who i might infect for the indefinite future? and the fact that i wont know for weeks if i got anyone sick? and i’ve got a big trip with my family planned in a couple of weeks and im worried that one of my family members is gonna end up having symptoms before we go. has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? how did u deal with it without missing out on everything?

My last post I talked about what I had done and how I ruined my relationship the best thing that has ever happened to me and me and my boyfriend have been working on it and fixing things this passed month and he just told me we are single yet committed to each other we are giving each other space so he can make sure he wants this I’ve ruined it in the passed month from everything happening u have been pushing acting as if everything is normal and not growing it’s my fault it’s all my fault I broke this I can’t do this right I love him with everything in me and I just wanted to make things right I’m sorry

For 3 days I had a feeling that came up pretty often and I cant name it, I dont know what is it and the more i try to see what is it the more i feel worse. Usually letting feeling be and letting yourself experience it helps but not with this. I find myself feel grumpier, triggered and more angry. Its a mix of fear, but then i get angry too and I dont find letting myself experience it helpful cause I just stuck there. It feels like its in my chest and when it gets triggered it makes things hard to enjoy. I tried to be kind with myself and see what causes it but trying to be kind with myself triggers this annoying feeling and it just gets worse... i dont know what helps thats why i ask your help, if you ever experienced this... also i what i almlst forgot to mention, what is really important is that i became really sensitive to every thought, and any thought can trigger this feeling or any thought can trigger a negative feeling that will trigger this feeling. And honestly the "just accept it and let yourself feel what you feel" doesnt helps here cause i find myself really angry that i have to let myself feel the emotions that are triggered by these intrusive thoughts...

Roman’s 8:18 For the present sufferings are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. This life with OCD is a daily battle and a nightmare that never seems to end, sure it can get better at times, and then it can come back with a vengeance. We aren’t ever going to escape problems in this life , but we can focus on the eternal hope that we have of being with Jesus, where there is no more sorrow, and no more pain. With his strength we can keep on keeping on, until the day we are finally home. Until then, we have therapy, different techniques, and most of all, Jesus to get us through the lies of OCD. He loves you and is with you today, no matter what.

Hi everyone, I’m 23 and have been on Zoloft since I was 16. For the past couple months I’ve been having panic attacks more and I’m sick of feeling like a zombie everyday. My boyfriend said I’m very sad and unhappy then when I first met him 2 years ago…. He thinks it’s the medicine. Throughout the years I have upped and lowered my medication, but now, I feel as though it’s not helping. Either it was too much where I didn’t feel emotions at all like very scary stuff or it wasn’t enough to help me. I was given 5mg of Lexapro to try…. I’m scared to take it. All I know is how Zoloft is. I don’t want to go crazy on it, be allergic to it, etc. I feel like I’m going to trip myself out when I take it and not actually feel the difference. I could really use some positive feedback I really just want to be a normal human😭

Does anyone deal with rumination with their childhood past mistakes. Deep down I know I didn’t know any better but then I start having thoughts and it gets worse after that. I also recently have dealt with death in the family, started my period, started college and just moved to my own apartment this last month. :-/ I genuinely just wish I could let go of my past I feel like I could be a better person for myself mentally if I could just let it go.

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

I posted about this the other day and a therapist responded that if it has the usual ocd tells, then it’s most likely ocd. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. They say even if it’s new for you chances are others have had the same or similar ocd experience. So, this is new for me and just like when I get an intrusive thought i’ve recently been getting what I call intrusive emotions. I will feel something like sad or jealous in a situation when in reality I don’t feel that way at all. For example, my ocd targets certain family members and if one of them is watching tv and thinks a woman is pretty i’ll suddenly feel sad or jealous when I don’t actually care or feel that way because that’s my family member and I don’t think about or feel for them in any inappropriate way. Also, sometimes when I have a harm intrusive thought my ocd will say that I want something horrible to happen to my family member and I will feel like I actually want it but that’s not what I want or how I feel at all. Is there anyone who has had this or something similar happen?

He has been diagnosed with PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and OCD. He's always been a character for sure, very emotional and quick to get irrationally angry but he's been taking meds over the years. Not too long ago he said something about leaving my step mom and/or killing himself along with a few other things. Things were seemingly normal after that up until recently. Him and my step mom were yelling-arguing which they rarely ever do, and my step mom finally got to a point where she told him to go elsewhere if he was going to act that way and so he did. However, he did come back that night and they argued again in the morning. From what I've gathered, he wants space from her, but she's only ever in the same room with him working or on her phone. She loves him and only ever wants to help him get better. She's the whole reason he got medicated and DID get better. He would act this way when he was with MY mom and would lash out constantly. Today I saw that he had disabled his Facebook and Instagram accounts, which he has never done and I'm concerned. Although we both struggle with OCD, this is not what this is about. I simply just need some guidance on what to do and what could possibly be going on with him. I know no one else is going to know him like I do but we don't talk like that so I don't think he'd ever tell me. I'm so afraid of him taking his own life, I've always known he's had it in him but this time I just have a horrible feeling. If I lost my dad that way I'm not sure what I'd do because he's the only person who will ever understand the way my mind works, and I really just can't imagine losing him in general.

I feel wrong because at one point i didn’t tell all my coworkers about my boyfriend because i wasn’t sure if we would break up or not and i wanted to i guess keep my options open and i thought one of my coworkers were cute and he also ended up being my plug later on but i never did anything with him i swear also he’s like 16 and i’m like 19 pregnant with my boyfriends baby do you think it’s ocd because i know if i tell my bf it would probably just make him angry

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

I recently posted about my experience with Existential OCD (https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/2184668), and one of the most common questions I got was how to deal with DPDR (depersonalization and derealization), as it often goes hand-in-hand with existential obsessions. I wanted to create this post to summarize my thoughts and understanding of DPDR, so I have something to point people towards. For context, I'm not a trained mental health professional, doctor, or neuroscientist. I'm just someone who has been through the gambit with OCD, and has learned about the mind through conversations with several therapists, reading books, and watching videos. I also regularly consult with a few Buddhist teachers, and have been practicing meditation for several years. Please keep all of this in mind, and take everything I say with a grain of salt. First, some quick terminology: Depersonalization = a feeling of "detachment" from your own body, almost as if you're living life as an autonomous robot. Derealization = a feeling of "detachment" from the outside world, where people, places, and things feel distant or alien. They often go hand-in-hand, and mainly differ in terms of what feels "unreal" (yourself, or the outside world). It's easy to see how this can coincide with obsessive existential thoughts. After all, when things feel unreal, how can you help but think about the big questions of existence? So these feelings often make those with OCD extremely uncomfortable, and the desire to make it "go away" inevitably arises. But, just like with anxiety, most attempts to "get rid" of it generally make it worse. Even grounding exercises can become problematic if the goal of those exercises is to get rid of DPDR, just like any other compulsion. That's why my first piece of advice is always to acknowledge and accept the feeling. One way to get comfortable accepting any feeling is to understand where it comes from. As of today, the exact neurobiological workings of DPDR aren't fully understood, but one thing seems to be pretty clear: DPDR is the result of the brain momentarily shifting gears to protect itself from overwhelm. It's something that happens when you are stressed, and/or burnt out. It's the brain protecting itself from overstimulation, similar to a circuit breaker closing down parts of an electrical circuit to prevent overloading. It's important not to take this information as reassurance against the existential intrusive thoughts that arise during DPDR, rather simply as an explanation as to what is happening in the present moment. I'm a big proponent of using "maybe, maybe not" responses to intrusive thoughts. So in the case of DPDR, you may considering responding to the existential thoughts with: "Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. Right now, this brain is overwhelmed, and it is protecting itself." (Side note: the use of "this brain" instead of "my brain" is a habit I've picked up from Buddhist philosophy. It's a way of practicing non-attachment to the self. If that doesn't work for you then feel free to phrase it in whatever way makes sense. I also recognize the beautiful irony of bringing up non-attachment in a post about DPDR 😂) Basically, you want to acknowledge the existential thoughts, acknowledge the feeling of DPDR, acknowledge that the DPDR is coming from a place of stress, and then refocus your attention to the present moment. The key is to not refocus your attention in hopes to GET RID of the thoughts or feelings, but to do it DESPITE those things. You need to teach yourself first-hand that none of those things are dangerous, and that you can continue to live life while scary thoughts exist in the mind, and while you feel uncomfortable things. The more you try to push the DPDR away, or logically dig yourself out of a hole, the more stressed you will become. And since DPDR is a stress response, this will only cause it to stick around longer. It's the same ironic cycle that fuels the intrusive thought / compulsion loop. Sometimes it can last for a few minutes, a few hours, days, weeks, or even months. While DPDR disorder exists, in many cases (especially with OCD), DPDR tends to persist because of our resistance to it. If you find that it just won't go away, try not to get discouraged. Instead, look for the resistance, and consider how you may be able to open up to the experience in a lighter way. If you find yourself resisting, gently remind yourself: "I don’t need to figure this out right now. I can let the brain do its thing and focus on living life." It can also help to recontextualize the DPDR. I like to think of it like a warm blanket or sweater, or the brain taking a nap. You wouldn't want to wake someone up from a nap, would you? Let 'em rest! I hope there is something helpful here for those struggling with this issue. Trust me, I've been there.

I had a massive falling out with my person before I got diagnosed with ocd and specifically rOCD. It wasn’t all me of course but not knowing I had ocd at all and believing all my thoughts and feeling in that time made that relationship really strained!! I miss them so much, I know so much more about myself now but all they know of me is me having a complete ocd meltdown and all the bad traits that come with that….because I didn’t know what was going on. Their version of me would be so different to me now. I want them back in my life so badly, sorry :( just needed to express that. I miss them so much. I was so safe and comfortable with them.