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... Just feeling at my lowest again. I know the only way is up but this feels awful. I feel like I've lost control of my life. I have the answer right there but I'm too scared to seek it.

Adults only I can't sleep, and when I can it's only 1 or two hours. I think this might be the day I open up about medication to my family for real this time. If not then I don't know when. As much as I don't want to admit this, I'm very much addicted to pornography and celebrity pornography in particular. In my mind I tell myself it's disgusting to objectify real people this way but I feel like I can't even control it. When I do see it, I can't help but feel very attractive to it, even if it feels wrong to look at it. I really want to just be open about wanting medication so my life can really turn around for the better but I'm just so scared of not getting that support from the people that care I care about the most. I don't want it to be a situation where I'm taking it and they're upset with me for doing so, but it may have to turn out that way.

The holidays can be joyful, but they can also come with a lot of pressure. And OCD has a way of making holiday stress feel even bigger. NOCD Support Group Facilitator Mackenzie Nordone knows this firsthand. As someone who experienced debilitating OCD, Mackenzie knows how difficult it can make the holiday season. But since learning to manage OCD with exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, she’s discovered that it's possible to completely change your experience. In a live AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Tuesday, 11/25 from 3-4 PM CT, Mackenzie will be answering our community's questions about managing OCD during this busy time of year, and reclaiming the joy of the holidays. Whether you're stressed about disrupted routines, the unpredictability of travel, or being around family who doesn't quite get OCD, this AMA is a safe space to ask anything that's on your mind and get answers from someone who can relate. 👉 Drop your questions in the comments, and Mackenzie will answer as many as she can during the AMA on Tuesday. Please note, Mackenzie is not a mental health professional and will be speaking from her lived experience. This AMA will take place in the NOCD community feed. There is no video involved.

I would really appreciate some insight to make sure I’m not thinking that I’m crazy. TW// Internet drama, grooming A friend of mine was called out online a few years ago to call out their inappropriate friendship and behavior with a minor. They were 19 (Person A) at the time and the victim was 15. I want to clarify as well that I was 17 (Person B) going through this as well. We remained friends until I was like 21 or so but then the friend group split up due to interpersonal issues. Afterwards, Person B made a call out post on Person A online with the accusation that they groomed them. Then Person A made a response doc insisting they didn’t have bad intent and were genuinely friends with B. I should say too that I was genuine friends with both of them and can confirm we were all in the same group circle. I had my qualms with Person B myself and since I was split from them and knew A changed and grew up some more, took their side. Other friends were getting involved to defend them so it turned into this huge mess of so many people getting harassed. It’s been awhile and I just wish that everyone could just move on. I wish that my friends weren’t ostracized from the online community. But after doing a fuckload of compulsive researching, I came to realize that as a collective group we’ve decided to diminish Person B’s experience instead of looking at the bigger picture. Even though A was a victim of grooming themselves and didnt intend anything malicious, they still shared inappropriate content with me and Person B when we were still too young. And granted, A was young too but I think I’m realizing the nuance that it shouldn’t negate the experience for person B. Inappropriate art and content was still normalized and sent around the friend group. Even though we all connected genuinely, it was still wrong. Someone as old as 19 should not be so emotionally connected to someone as young as 15. And definitely should not be sharing that kind of content. I do realize that Person A had their own traumatic experiences when they were very young, but it shouldn’t be an excuse to negate the harm they caused later down the line. I wish there was a way to bring this up without igniting the flame of drama again. I just wish that it could be resolved or at least acknowledged to bring Person B some closure. I wish I wasn’t so blinded by anger to see it. I don’t know how I would even begin to explain or acknowledge it if I ever get called out or involved in some way. I dont know how to explain that I support Person A still even though I don’t condone their decision to leave social media without properly apologizing. I would really love some insight or advice going forward. Because if something were to happen im scared of sharing this realization and getting kicked out the friend group or destroyed online or anything. I just wish there was a way to solve this without the risk of getting harassed or anything. I know now everyone just wants to be heard and acknowledged that they want to get better. Its so hard to move past this when it can be resolved through conversation instead of call out docs and harassment. I know now that I was wrong and Person A definitely knows what they did was wrong and they have been doing really well and made huge strides in improving their behavior. But I think theyre still left with the impression that they didnt need to set things straight by keeping their apology and account up and just leaving social media. That sure, being dropped from the friend group was the catalyst for Person B to come out publicly, but what theyve been through should still be acknowledged. It shouldnt be an argument as to whether Person A is a groomer or intended it or not. Because Person B still experienced being groomed regardless. They were still way too young to be exposed to that stuff and hell- I was too young as well. I want to know what you guys think of this though. Do you think I should just move on? Because it has been awhile. But I feel like this shouldnt go unnoticed. Regardless, my friends and I and including Person B have all been traumatized or went about confrontation in an unhealthy fashion. The drama and harassment has failed to help my friends understand the nuance and instead publicly defend themselves instead of really focusing on the harm they caused. But yeah some insight would be great. Because maybe im just overthinking shit.

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

Has anyone recovered from SO OCD? It feels like I’ll be trapped with these thoughts forever.

Yesterday my friend from middle school that still lives in the state I grew up in messaged me on Instagram to tell me she is getting a divorce. This was totally out of the blue. We talked briefly earlier this year but she said her relationship was going great. I post very openly on my Instagram story and I'm a feminist. She said she liked my posts and thought I should know what's happening in her life. At first I was thinking, wow this is going to be a draining conversation and how will I get out of it without seeming rude. I am overly empathetic and I'm easily effected by other peoples hardships and I am getting better at not trying to fix people and their problems. So trying to avoid her problems was my first instinct so I didn't get too involved. The reverse reaction happened. I was able to share with her that I had a similar experience and I was divorced about 3 years go and I kept the marriage and divorce private and not even my family knew. I explained how hard it was to leave and how he was psychologically, emotionally abusive and manipulative. I didn't want to marry him and I didn't want to be with him so that is why I didn't share it with anyone, it was a disgrace to me. She said that what I shared helped her so much because it showed that people can go through hard times and still be okay. She was so kind and mature while still being down strodden but her situation. I got a sudden urge to clean my apartment and reorganize everything. I moved three weeks ago and I hadn't deep cleaned yet. I would eat in the bathtub and I had ants and residual soap rings on the tub. I avoid cleaning sometimes because it seems overwhelming to me. The conversation I had with her made something click in my brain. I had more emotional progress and mutual understanding in our 2 hr conversation than I had with any of my past therapists. She told me I was strong and that all the things I've overcome where inspiring. I told her how her divorce will be difficult but she obviously has been taking better care of herself and she will have a much better life without him. She trusted me to share details of him being unloyal and acusing her of things she didn't do. I danced for the first time since I've moved in! I love to sing and dance and I didn't feel comfortable in the new space until last night. I sing and dance at work (childcare) but I would always sit at home on my phone stricken with guilt. I put a mirror out in the living room and I listened to some Colombian Cumbia music and kept dancing until I was tired. I then responded to the rest of her messages and told her I was going to go take a bath. I have come so far, I can find energy and solidarity through someone else's hardship rather than feeling pulled down. It was a beautiful moment for both of us. We cried together and we talked about seeing each other for the Christmas season. I think the message is that sometimes things feel like they will trigger you but you might be more emotionally stable than you think. Sharing how terrible my life used to be helped me realize how good it is now. Thanks for reading :)

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

Is anyone willing to share their experiences with taking these SSRIs? I want to give them a shot. I'm sick of sleepless nights, anxiety that is too much, and not being able to do the things I want in life because of OCD. I would really appreciate this.

I'm talking about medication. Nothing else is working. I can't sleep, ZzzQuil isn't helping, and deep breathing isn't good enough for me to calm my OCD. It's getting very bad. My psychiatrists are worrying about me. I'm losing sleep, I'm not doing the things I want to, I'm having bad relapse. My family doesn't want me to take medication but I'm beginning to run low on options. I just don't know how to navigate this without it being hectic because I know it will be.

Eating cookies, vomiting, blocking someone and other things,i feel like my heart and brain is going to explode please tell me what do i need to do to stop it,i used to have other compulsions and i thought the other compulsions were the reason my icd got much worse but now i understand it has nothing to do with the difference of compulsions,i just cant stop it

I know you’re going to say to talk to my therapist about this but honestly just looking for a little support. I have had intense rocd for pretty much the entirety of my relationship, (1.5 years) to the point where I question whether It’s rocd or just intuition that I pushed down from the beginning. It’s gotten better in general but i still have really bad days and sometimes weeks. That combined with the fact that I haven’t had a case this bad in any of my previous relationships (definitely it was present but not in the all consuming way it’s been in this one) has just made it extremely difficult not to think that if I were in a different relationship I wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. It’s a constant battle between my intrusive thoughts and compulsions about the relationship being wrong and my feelings not being enough, and knowledge that the ocd is something prevalent in many aspects of my life that i am going to have to live with regardless of what relationship I’m in. I’m just so tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what the right thing to do is, and fighting between the desire for escape and peace, and the desire to conquer my illness, and not truly believing that either result is possible.

I'm so scared at the idea of ERP because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which I know is textbook but I feel like I have urges to think about these sexually explicit images for my own gratification. Which is so strange because I tell myself I don't want that. I love my girlfriend. And I know I don't want these things to happen but I'm scared that I want the thoughts. And that the whole concept of thinking about them intentionally will result in me enjoying them and wanting them. I want this to be over. I feel terrible every day but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Anyone have any advice on how to tackle ERP with this in mind. I want this to end.

Lately I’ve noticed my OCD attach to my relationship. This usually happens when certain things are getting done or needs aren’t getting met. I’ve felt like my relationship is stagnant. I feel like I’ve been putting in the work for myself mentally and emotionally but my fiancée hasn’t. It feels like we’re at different points in our lives and it doesn’t help when she says things like “I can’t wait to be a stay at home wife” when in today’s economy, that probably won’t happen. How have you guys dealt with relationship issues like this? How can I express my feelings without making her feel attacked? Every time I try to bring things up, she gets defensive so I’m not sure if it’s my wording or tone. I’ve been thinking about couples counseling already just so we have a solid foundation (separate from my current feelings) before we get married but she didn’t seem very receptive to it.

Was on deviantart looking at art. Clicked something from an artist that makes triggering stuff and was hoping it wouldn’t have triggering material. It did, just like I knew. Why would I risk myself like that? Knowing it was gonna trigger me. It’s like I hoped it wouldn’t contain triggering material even though I knew it would. And then I didn’t immediately go off the page. I looked at it for a second and it felt like I wanted to like it even though the weird part made me feel uncomfortable. Like for a second it wasn’t uncomfortable and that scares me

I was petting a dog and my brain sexualized it but I continued. I didn’t do anything wrong to the dog and I never would but it’s like I still mentally indulged even tho it’s still not me as a person?? Unless it is bc I still indulged ? Help!

How do you stop your mind reminding you of your (past?) thoughts? The lingering effects of OCD are still there and It feels like I can’t shake off the OCD. I believe I am experiencing recovery as I have less anxiety. But it’s almost like my mind can’t be sure to let go and associates anything that triggered me to the OCD thoughts that I had so I won’t forget. I feel unsettled and can’t completely relax It’s always at the back of my mind that I had those OCD thoughts in the first place. And it isn’t purposefully as such, it’s just like a bitter taste in your mouth. I’ve had times when It didn’t feel lingering like this, but I felt okay (although I was hyperaware about feeling okay). But now I’m trying not to dwell on the OCD and push through but it lingers and makes me question why? It feels like an unanswered question of all my rumination or walking on eggshells. I hope that it’s not embedded in my mind.

I try to sleep, close my eyes, sleep for a tiny bit, get something in my mind to pop up, I feel a quick surge of small anxiety, I wake back up. How can I fix this? How can I get this to stop? I can't take this anymore

Ever since I was a little boy I always hated or feared confrontation. At the same I hated being walked over or disrespected, it made me feel so cowardly. Whenever I’d get into a small argument with a kid my age or get disrespected I’d automatically go into fight or flight then I’d retreat. I’d rethink that encounter all day, thinking of what I could have done, what I’ll do next time and what might happen. It’d be nonstop endless, I’d do it so much I couldn’t even stop if I wanted to. Perhaps that was the first signs of my OCD. Anyways now I’m an adult, today I’m not perfect but I’m so much better at confrontation. However, my mind still ruminates over little things and goes into a state of hyper vigilance. I know no one means any harm or anything but my mind can’t stop ruminating and trying to predict future conflicts. It goes on endlessly, and now I work it’s just the worst. The rumination is nonstop and I just it’d stop. I know they don’t mean any harm and even if they do I can muster up the courage to stand up for myself, I’ve done it before I’m capable. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this.

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.