Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I've been doing with real event ocd for some time now. I get "I don't deserve" thoughts about literally everything and I've had enough. They're still freaking there after so much time, and I've been practicing mindfulness, acceptance and exposure therapy. I'm tired of going through my life every 10 seconds "you don't deserve this" or "you don't deserve that", what's actually going to stop these thoughts. I know whatever you resist persists but common give me a break, there's got to be a better way.

My ocd is in a spiral. My passed away on December 30th and it’s been taking a tole on me. She was sick for a year and half. Couple months before she was diagnosed with cancer I basically told my teachers a lie saying she was I’ll in order to take my exams early so I can go home early. She had diabetes at the time and she’s a single parent but my mind wasn’t solely set on her being sick from on it while I was sending out the emails. Even she was on board with me telling them that she’s basically sick because she gave me a document that shows she’s scheduled for a colonoscopy. But still it isn’t right.!I feel so bad because as soon as I said that a couple months later she gets diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3. There’s this spiritual saying that you’re tongue is powerful, and it truly is. Now I’m having a hard time sleeping. I can’t even grieve without my ocd having multiple episodes. Everyday it’s something new. My ocd is now saying I basically killed my mother and I wished sickness on her. Please help me I cannot go to this funeral nor live with this hanging on my shoulders.

I also have pocd and real events OCD regarding explicit anime/explicit cartoon content too… (14, 17-18) i didnt know what the content was or what it represented, the content was on public sites and some of them said the characters that were underage in canon, were 18+ in the content, so I thought they were safe to watch… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… The explicit anime characters looked and were really young… and i avoided most of the content… but i thought some of the content wasnt Pediphilic because they were on public explicit sites and had millions of views… I didnt know how horrible the content was or what it represented… I assumed that some of the content was safe to look at because it was on public sites and had millions of views… i didnt know that this content was or what it represented… but doing my research made me gag and puke… i dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… they were anime characters that looked extremely young… i didnt know how horrible the content was or what it represented… When i was looking at explicit anime content (i was 19 and was making sure the characters were over the age of 18) I accidentally looked at characters that were 17 or looked young by mistake... (a couple times even though the site said all characters have to be 18+) my pocd is saying im in denial for this... this, combined with my previous pocd and real events based on this... makes me just feel so alone...

Having ocd makes me always think the worst. I have had 2 incidents over the years that have made my life miserable. I guess they are real events. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me sometimes. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I went about my morning tasks. When I went back upstairs to my room he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 so he could talk but not fully yet and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪The other was years later when my daughter was younger she used to crawl into bed with me at night alot. One night I woke up to her saying “mommy” and I was really tired so I just remember saying “sorry” and moving over and going back to sleep. I know it was probably nothing more than I just rolled over on her or something like that but my ocd keeps telling me I must have done something horrible. I don’t want to live thinking I could have done something horrible. It has made my life so hard to live. Now all these years later since my memory has faded my ocd tells me maybe I was drinking and just don’t remember doing something horrible . People without ocd probably wouldn’t think much about these situations and would just shrug them off as weird things kids do or say or that happen in life and parenthood but my ocd makes the worst possible scenario out of everything and makes me hate myself and living. 😞

i had my therapy today i think it's going well but she's the second person to say to me i'm not showing ocd signs and think it's more the anxiety side i struggle with it makes me feel rubbish when i get told it's not ocd because when i research into ocd it's like everything adds up but because the questions you have to fill in before every session they're more like cleaning and things ha being neat etc and that's not what i deal with i deal with real event so i don't get how they can say i don't have ocd 😥

Ever since the day I sat in the car while my grandfather got taken out of his house passed away of a heart attack, and feeling helpless while the ambulance pulled away, I have showed symptoms of OCD. I am 55 years old, and didn’t delve into therapy and medication until my 40th birthday. At 16, I was in a fire and escaped through the front doors, watched the blaze take three friends who did not make it out alive. I’m done. Done with the pain of Harm OCD. I know it’s in my mind and I am not my mind. I have come far. But not far enough. Lisa

when i was younger i had symptoms of pshyopaths and now im scared that im one does anyone know if i had those symptoms does that mean im one im scared?

Good evening everyone! Long story short- I had Health OCD 12 years ago but was never diagnosed. No idea how that’s even possible, I had every sign and saw 2 licensed psychiatrists but they labeled me with GAD. Knowing what I know today, it was 100% Health OCD. I fought it for 3 years until one day I literally surrendered. No training and no NOCD…but I remember breaking down sobbing and accepting that my fate might be terminal. Obviously I’m still here and my fate wasn’t terminal and over time it went into remission. For 12 years! Gone! Amazing! Looking back, I still had minor signs but my maintenance dose of Cymbalta kept me straight and steady. Until I decided that I didn’t need Cymbalta anymore and I got off it cold turkey last January. Well, it came back with vengeance and brought a new theme. I finally got a proper diagnosis and found NOCD. It’s helped me but I’m still fighting - after two major relapses. I’m doing all my techniques but the voice is still loud in the mornings. The ruminating is still there. It definitely ebbs and flows and I’m questioning my meds again- Cymbalta seemed to help the last time… Anyway, I got to thinking about how I managed to heal the first time and how I just gave up, literally. I am wondering if that’s what it takes? My new theme has me fearing a local stalker- that he will come after me. I know…it’s not about the theme. But, as much as I want to surrender and get better…my fight or flight is trying to keep me safe from this evil convicted felon. Those of you who have succeeded, did you finally have to give up too? Or can you use the ERP and meds to eventually quiet it? Thank you and much love.

does anyone remember what their first experience with OCD felt like? im pretty sure i know the exact minute it happened. I was nine and my cousin was over for a sleep over, i remember she was on my bed watching a youtube video, and i was on the floor watching a youtube video. Then all of a sudden i got this horrible feeling it felt almost like deja vu? but i was terrified and i was so anxious i went and threw up. After that my mind was never the same, at the time i was so scared that i had been possessed because thats what i imagined it would feel/ look like, i became obsessed with the thought that i had become possessed. i kept asking my mom for reassurance that I hadn’t gotten possessed or had “made god angry.” im just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or if maybe that wasn’t OCD? Part of me still wonders if maybe i actually am possessed and i don’t have OCD even after 10 years. I obviously know thats not true but it’s always the “what if” ya know?

Hi! These past few days I think my theme had switched to some sort of time based OCD. I have spent my days looking at the clock and thinking back to earlier in the day, a few days ago, or even months ago and being extremely stressed about the fact that time is passing. Two hours can pass and I will be extremely anxious about the fact that time has passed and I will never get that time back again. I know this is OCD because even if I am doing fulfilling fun things during my days I still am constantly thinking about how it will be over and how time will never stop and it brings me great anxiety. I also have just come back to college after being home for 3 weeks. I do not do well with change whatsoever and I had a really great break and I’m wondering if break ending is what triggered this. I have spent my days wanting just to go back in time. I can’t figure out what ERP i can do for this to try to nip it in the bud. I’m sure overtime it will calm down but I really don’t want to ruin all these good days ahead being sad that time is passing. Just needed to vent i guess and is wondering if anyone has any advice. Thank you!

I recently found out that I have OCD and it’s becoming harder and harder to enjoy every day that passes. I spend hours a day, reflecting on all of the bad decisions I made out of ignorance or out of intention. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for what I did but I also don’t know if it’s the OCD making it worse. I was wondering if you guys have any tips on how to distinguish between guilt over what you’ve done in the past versus the OCD. I just want to be able to enjoy every day, but I’m plagued with guilt!

I just want to obsess and attach a whole story. What if I’m stuck this way. What if I go crazy and can’t remember what I’ve done. What if I stop loving God and turn to new age and I become evil and start hurting people. I just can’t. I have never thought I was evil. My entire life until I had my daughter and my mind told me she was of the devil. I was so mad at myself. How could I think about my precious gift this way? And now I’m so clueless as to why I even exist and how could this happen. It’s like nothing is real an tangible anymore. I feel like everything is such a blur in this life. I want God to be real. He has always been my whole life. It even makes 100% sense to me at the same it doesn’t 😭 I didn’t waver on my beliefs at all before this kid and it’s like me thinking about her like that has caused me so many problems along with horrible side effects from meds that made me see things in slow motion. I’m in therapy but it’s take so long to heal and for me to love my life and me again. I feel like I look at my self and think. You can’t trust you anymore. This world too has turned upside down to me. I am just so heartbroken. I want to be a good person an it seems like I’m going to turn evil any second and I’ve never been purposely evil or mean to anyone. I got bullied as a kid. 😢. I feel like I’m losing my identity an understand who I am.

So I've unintentionally started to confront some of my triggers. I have real event OCD with "I don't deserve" thoughts that have latched onto pretty much every aspect of my life. I'm leaving overseas tomorrow with my partner to go and see her family, we've had this trip planned for awhile, and for a long time I was good with it. Two days ago my head goes "but wait, you don't deserve to enjoy going overseas" forcing me to confront this trigger. So long story short, I'm unintentionally doing erp. The problem is I find it so overwhelming, all my old OCD triggers have come up at the same time due to me being stressed. I've also stopped sleeping well, is this normal for starting erp?.

Please could someone give this a read. I’m so sorry it’s a little long. Tw. Mention of SA My ex and I broke up 2 years ago. Due to be being obsessive (constantly wanting to be around him) and incredibly jealous (not liking/ wanting him to spend time with anyone that I didn’t like. Ie. His friends.) (I never ever forced him or asked him to not/do anything) In hindsight, we did not match well as a couple. But he was my first love. My first everything. And do I still miss him? Yeah I do. A lot. I can live with the missing him part. What I’m struggling to live with is the guilt. And I mean guilt that makes me physically hurt and ill. The guilt of how I acted, the guilt of how toxic I was and how blind I was to it. I never intended to be toxic, furthest thing from my aim. I just wanted to spend every living second with this man. And he wanted time to himself. During the relationship I was hospitalised multiple times due to guilt. Guilt is such a strong debilitating emotion I feel. I have become obsessed with the guilt, if that makes any sense. My main worry is if I hurt him. I don’t want his life ruined because of me. The second we broke up I blocked him on EVERYTHING. and he saw this as an act of violence, I did it to stop myself from begging for him back. He then turned against me and I’m 90% sure he hates me. And I don’t blame him, but I don’t want him to. When I was going through the worst of the breakup I believed he may have SA me and I told 2 of my closest friends that I think he did. A few days later I reviewed the situation to realise it wasn’t SA, I quickly told my friends I was wrong, I felt so awful and I was then hospitalised due to guilt. Since then one of the people I told that to is close with my ex, and I live in fear that she will tell him that I wrongly accused him of SA. I then became obsessed with the thought of ‘what if I SA him and I didn’t know I did’. I used to hide in my house scared that I would be arrested for doing something that I don’t even know if I did. That thought passed after months of suffering, sometimes it crosses my mind again. I have never seen him since the breakup and everyday I fear I will see him. I have had so so many thoughts since then and the guilt is debilitating. What can I do? What is this strong feeling? Please help me :(

I have no official diagnosis for OCD but I have recently expected I have it. My whole life I’ve had people tell me I have OCD but I thought they were joking or making fun of me and I’m not a person to self diagnose but then I realized how obsessive I am over my thoughts and started researching. I do constantly ask myself pretty much everyday why I am the way I am, I constantly think I’m hurting someone emotionally then I have to check for reassurance, I beat myself down consistently. I’m always worried I’m going to hurt myself therefore hurting the people who love me. I obsess over the way my body looks and managed to get to the point I only eat once a day. I have never admitted this but I have violent sexual thoughts but they’re directed towards me not other people, these thoughts are completely against what I believe are my morals. I do have a need for organization and functionality within that organization, if someone touches the way I’ve organized those things it gives me high anxiety and I either have to fix it right then or I end up avoiding it altogether until I can find time to fix it cause I know I’ll take hours. If I write notes and I make one mistake, I have to rewrite the whole thing.. this caused a lot of overdue homework in high school and would take up hours of my time. Ive been married for a year but started dating 7 years ago but for some reason I still have thoughts if we’re the right match or not, etc. I relive conversations in my head daily, about 4 months ago I was in a car accident cause I ran a stop sign and t-boned somebody, I was dazed out because I was reliving an argument with my mother in my head and once I realized I crashed I instantly thought I killed the other person, my husband had to reassure me multiple times that the other driver was okay. I’ve read up on rumination and that seems to be a big check mark for me… I could go on but based off the examples I provided do you guys believe I possibly have OCD and should seek treatment for it? I don’t want to offend anyone because I understand this is a very hard disorder to live with and there’s obviously different severity levels but I’ve wondered since I was child “what’s wrong with me” and I want to know if I’m finally figuring it out?

Struggling with scrupulosity around real events. It makes me want to kill myself. Some days I just feel the need to either be locked up or killed. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. I know there are people who love me and want me alive, but I can’t help but think it would make things better if I were dead. I thought about harming myself again after a few years of being clean. I don’t want to but I feel like I have to for the greater good. Like I’m being just by punishing myself for feeling like a bad person. I can’t stand myself. I want my life to feel like one worth living. People tell me to stop wasting my time and just be happy. They don’t know how hard that is. I wish people could see into my mind and see how much I’m struggling.

I will start with some context. I have Pure-O and an almost constantly changing primary theme dependent on what I value most at the time. In addition to this I also have severe-level GAD currently. These two conditions compliment each other around holidays and significant events due to my perception of them being “once-a year” or “once-in-a-lifetime” events. Therefore, now three days ago, when coming back with friends from a New Year’s celebration I had a combination of magical thinking OCD, intelligence OCD, and real-event OCD occur at once. The event was myself, at the start of the new year, getting a ride home from someone else (I usually always drive myself), and I reached in my pocket to grab my phone. I will also give some context before; I usually have mental compulsions of repeating a list which describes characteristics about me (or things I would like to be). One of these characteristics is my IQ, which I usually positively reinforce by thinking “183 IQ”(This can be narcissistic, but I find it legitimately boosts my cognitive functions quite tangibly, something I also probably need to work on). However, when I reached in my pocket to grab my phone, I had an intrusive thought: “My IQ going down to 83 IQ instead of 183 IQ. Losing 100 IQ points.” This, with it being New Year’s Day and the end of the car ride, left me in absolute internal chaos and severe anxiety. This also left me with an event not worth or really able to be reconstructed (the compulsion was semi-tied to the event). Now, what I understand scientifically is that when such a level of cortisol is released from my limbic system at once (from the acute, intense anxiety being processed by my limbic system) my brain will proportionally lower executive functioning and memory recollection (both which are extremely distressing because I am blessed to have an amazing memory and I am a very fast learner). Therefore, scientifically I should be fine if I just remove the power from the thoughts to break the negative reinforcement of the anxiety cycle which allows for me to diffuse the emotions. Yet, I have had this problem before and sitting with the emotions and doing ERP exercises doesn’t seem to get the job done as they theoretically should for me. Therefore, my question is: Does anyone have any experience with these sorts of obsessions (Intelligence OCD, magical thinking OCD, and real-event OCD), and, if so, how did you resolve and become unaffected by future occurrences of such themes?

I was spending time with my family and I wanted to give one of my family members a beer but when I handed it to my family member an intrusive thoughts came across my mind and it scared me because of the urge the thought generated which got me scared in the moment and I can’t stop thinking about it keeps ruminating in my mind. Any tips

I’m in a really bad panic at the moment re my ocd. I’m trying so hard to accept the thoughts/feelings and accept how real and true it all feels, despite the panic and anxiety. I read somewhere that you can clearly tell the difference between a thought about your sexuality being true vs an ocd thought. It said if the thoughts/feelings/narrative makes you feel panic, anxiety and dread, like you don’t want the thoughts, then it’s ocd. If they make you feel warm, content and normal, then they’re likely not ocd. Is that how people and psychologists differentiate? My situation is that I’m a 36 year old male that never questioned or had to question my sexuality until one day at 26, I had the question pop up “are you gay”. Since then, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Questioning, checking, anxious 24/7, wanting to escape myself. Help :(

Hooray....obsession switch.... Five years ago i visited a restaurant while travelling abroad and had a meal. When i finished up, they gave me the reciept in a wooden box. I went up to pay for it and handed the box back to them, but they handed it back, so i left with it. Now im stuck obsessing over whether or not i accidentally stole a reciept box from this restaurant, or whether i really was meant to take it. Nobody stopped me when i left and i came back and dined there the following day and had the same thing happen but i left the box they gave me that day behind because i didn't really think I'd need two of them. I've stressed myself out further because i found a way to contact the restaurant and i asked them about this and offered to return it or pay them for it. But they haven't responded yet, so OCD is playing merry hell with my thoughts. Very frustrating