Welcome to
the NOCD Community

how do you all deal with intrusive thoughts and the false memories that come along with them?

Alrighty here comes another one.. so I was panicking earlier about an K-pop idol who I don’t like at all only envy and I told my boyfriend about the rocd thought and then I proceeded to rmb the last time I had an thought about this K-pop idol super early on in our relationship like a scenario fantasy? I can’t even call it a fantasy because never in 1 million years I’ll ever go after this girl I simply only love my boyfriend, but basically I rmb having an scenario/thought of me being part of the group and simply having fun and making fans and just having fun and then I have this very brief memory? Idk if it’s false or not but it seem too real to be false? But we was dating and we like kiss I don’t rmb and I don’t think nothing nasty happened and I hope there wasn’t but basically me and my boyfriend was both scared and worried and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact of me having a crush on her during our relationship and I was like pause bc I don’t even remember a ounce of attraction towards her just something who I wish I was like and I told him if I’m being genuinely honest I don’t remember liking her in that type of way and this thought only happened once but then when I was explaining it to him and I was thinking how can I even think like that if I didn’t like the idol in that type of way and like I don’t think it’s entirely impossible bc my brain do go on autopilot a lot and I was spacing out and just letting it happen! But now I’m panicking what if I did but didn’t know? It just doesn’t makes sense and I just really need help bc he said if I did liked her very early on in our relationship it will be a deal breaker and I’m scared and confused

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Because I struggle with false memory and real event ocd, I feel like God hates me. I remember praying to God please give me a reason to live and I honestly don't deserve it. What it makes this worse is that, I ask God to just end my life.

I’ve been wondering a lot these past two months have been really bad. I’ve had just about every theme of OCD from harm, sexual, existencial you name it. The only theme I haven’t had is germ OCD, I think it’s because I’m a nurse and I literary live around germs. This time around I’ve been obsessing with sleep and not being able to sleep, which has caused me to have depression. And now I’m like obsessed over my depression to the point where I’m literary questioning my own sanity, and my own experiences almost as if I’m over analyzing every experience and feel depressed over it evened good experiences feel like ass cus I just start doubting them. Has anyone experience this before? I got started on sirtraline and now I am obsessing over the fact that I need a pill to get better which I hate cus I’ve been able to beat my OCD unmedicated. Am I beyond help at this point ? I feel like I am a completely different person I don’t even remember what I used to be like.

Waking up in a panick everyday thinking if this is real life or not, the thoughts never stop, I just want to get better, I had a panick attack yesterday thinking this wasn’t real life, I coped with alcohol for the past 4 years, now when I wake up it’s straight to this isn’t real life and you should just hurt yourself, am I going crazy ?

I realised I did a bad thing when I was a kid ... I hurt one of my friend.. I didnt realised then what I did. I am ruminating constantly about it ... I cant get over it and I feel like I dont deserve to get over it. I keep ruminating and ask myself questions ... What should I do?

When i was a teen (younger than 18) i fell into the world of 🌽. I admit i would get off to it and it may have became an addiction. Eventually i fell into more taboo topics. Things like cnc and pee which eventually lead to diapers. I don’t have those kinks but as a teen it was just something new. Anyway the main thing that distressing me was people roleplaying younger. I didn’t know they were trying to act like kids and thought it was just something new. About a year later i was diagnosed with ocd officially even though i had been dealing with it my whole life. Then i fell deep into a spiral thinking i got off to kids. I obviously never watched child p or things like that it was all roleplay and stuff but i feel horrible. I’m older now and think about it all the time. I read things about real pedos doing stuff like that when they were younger and i’m so scared i’m one. I didn’t even realize they were trying to act like kids i thought that was just how it was. I feel horrible and wonder what to do a lot. Please don’t be mean i’m really struggling.

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to roleplay a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time...

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to roleplay a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time...

I also have pocd and real events OCD regarding explicit anime/explicit cartoon corn too… (14, 17-18) the content was on public sites and some of them said the characters that were underage in canon, were 18+ in the content, so I thought they were safe to watch… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… some of the explicit anime characters looked and were really young… and i avoided most of the content involving the really young anime characters, but i thought some of this content wasnt Pediphilic because they were on public explicit sites and had millions of views… so i thought it was safe to watch... I didnt know how horrible the young anime character content was or what it represented… I assumed that some of this content was safe to look at because it was on public sites and had millions of views… and doing my research about it later on made me vomit… i dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… there were some anime characters that looked and were extremely young… i didnt know how horrible this type of content was or what it represented… When i was looking at explicit anime content (i was 19 and was making sure the characters were over the age of 18) I accidentally looked at characters that were 17 by mistake... (a couple times even though the site said all characters have to be 18+) my pocd is saying im in denial for all of this... this, combined with my previous pocd and real events based on this... makes me just feel so alone...

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to rp a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online. When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time...

So I recently got a bf and we were hanging out. And then I had to leave and I think he wanted to kiss) make out and I was like well I have to dip, so I think he said maybe like "it'll be quick/like a quick kiss." or something like that and then I was like "dang I have to get back" (I acc did) and he was like "just one kiss? " and I pecked him on the lip. My ocd is like oh that's sexual assault or coercion. I didn't mind kissing him and didn't feel harassed or anything. I don't remember the encounter very well and feel like my ocd is distorting my memory . he mightve just asked once after I said I was late instead of twice. I can't really remember. My ocd is like oh this is sexual coercion and assault. I don't feel that way at all. I didn't feel forced to kiss him whatsoever. I've been coerced before and he's nothing like that. Idk how to tackle this.

Does anyone else’s have like at least one false memory every day? And do anyone else ruminates about something that just happened because at the time the event happened you had an intrusive image and you don’t really know what happened at the moment ? I’m not diagnosed and I’m working really hard but this is super scary and I worry I’m just in denial or being a really bad person

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to rp a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online. When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me..:

​​​​I'm traveling in a few days and I'm worried that my health concerns will make me more anxious when I'm on the plane and when I reach my destination as well. I'm very sad and stressed about my health concerns and although I always have been worried, with this upcoming short vacation it has made me feel like I might not be able to handle the thoughts/worries etc. It has also been making me feel more self-conscious about how I look and feel. I know that travel plans have added extra stress (although I'm excited for this short vacation, I'm worried about my mental and overall health which is making me have more intrusive thoughts that I might not handle while I'm on vacation). There is also the added stress of feeling self-conscious and not feeling confident. I have been avoiding going to the doctor because that is a whole other set of intrusive thoughts (fear of going to a doctor appointment). I just have been feeling really sad lately feeling ugly and struggling with mental health and struggling with life in general. It is interesting how after a long time of struggling with intrusive thoughts I still get a little bit surprised by how intrusive thoughts evolve and change and sometimes I don't think or feel like it is an intrusive thought but it is? (especially when it concerns my health and self-esteem). For the most part I have been managing a bit better with intrusive thoughts. But I have been feeling strange sometimes I feel numb/I don't know if it is depersonalization or derealization. I feel worried/stressed/sad etc but at the same time I'm trying to enjoy life. I really want to feel better when I'm on this vacation but I worry that traveling will only trigger more stress and intrusive thoughts. I've been wanting to travel for a long time and now that the chance is here I don't want to feel stressed/sad. I want to enjoy my trip regardless of my struggles. *Some of my health concerns are real but I have a fear of going to doctors because I struggle with intrusive thoughts and I find myself wanting to book a doctor's app a few days before traveling but at the same time, I feel this will trigger more intrusive thoughts and just before traveling

So I just downloaded this app to see if it could help. For the past few years I’ve been wondering if I have OCD. I know I should ask to talk to a therapist about it but I’m too scared to ask my parents because I don’t want them to think I’m broken. I got put in school therapy a few months ago for my depression and anxiety but I was too scared to tell her about my intrusive thoughts because I didn’t want to be told that I’m insane pretty much. Forgive me, I don’t know the names of the different ocd types, but pretty much this is what I experience: constantly throughout the day I have thought that I’m secretly a pedophile and these might be the worst ones. I have had really bad thoughts I’ve had for months now is that there’s a person or an entity under my bed so I physically will not stand within a foot of my bed because I seriously believe that a hand will come out and grab my ankle or that I’ll see eyes. This thought has been affecting my sleep for weeks now too because if I don’t have my sleep mask I think I’ll look up and see a person. The reason I don’t know if it’s OCD or not is because I don’t really have any physical compulsion. It’s mostly I just have to scream over the thoughts in my head and tell myself to please stfu. A big thing I struggle with is I think really bad thoughts and I can’t stop no matter how much I want and I get so so so scared that I’m going to manifest it by thinking about it too much and then I can’t stop thinking about it even more. Another thing is that I’ve had a few different periods throughout my life where I was so scared to be near my dad because what if he was a pedo??? I’d heard so many crime stories about that but the thing is I love my dad and I know that it’s not true, like I know it for 100% that it’s not right or true but I still think it and dwell on it for no reason. I also have a really bad thought because I have almost no memory of my childhood for no reason, like I can’t remember anything specifically traumatizing that would cause it but because I don’t remember it i get really caught up on the idea that I could’ve been m0lested or something by a family member and I just can’t remember. Another one I struggle with is with my sexuality. I’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality since 8th grade (I’m in 11th now) and I settled on lesbian a while ago but the reason I have barely come out to someone is I feel like I’m a big faker and I am constantly second guessing myself and I just can’t stop thinking what if I come out to everyone and then in a year I realize I don’t even like girls and then I just solidified the horrible stereotype of sexuality phases and now I’m a horrible person??? But I know it couldn’t be that because I’m sure I like girls? There was also a period where I genuinely was worried I was trans even though I didn’t feel like a man at all and my whole world was crashing because I kept thinking what if I actually am and then I have to go through rhat whole process and everyone will hate me. Another thing is I love to clean and when my home is cluttered I feel like I can’t think and I feel like I’m going crazy but that might not be related to this. Anyway that’s only a fraction of my thoughts I have so many I can only remember a few but is it actually OCD? Should I talk to someone about it? Or am I just being dramatic? Sorry for this whole thing but I have no one to talk to about it

So I’ve been reverting back to seeking reassurance constantly because I think I sexually harassed someone I was seeing over the phone when I was 14. If I recall, I asked her at first if she wanted to have phone sex and she said yes. (The thing about this event was that she hummed her response, which I didn’t think was questionable at the time bc my parents would sometimes hum to me as a form of a response to something casual, and vice versa.) After she said yes, it went on for some time and then I noticed my memory of it got very foggy and there were some parts where I asked her if we could have phone sex and she said no. But something about the memory was strange, because I remember being confused at her responses. It wasn’t that I thought she could never say no to me, but that she would say yes and no back and forth which got me very confused from what I remember, but I doubt that this actually happened to this day which feeds into my anxiety a lot. And then I felt confident in myself to ask again shortly after and she said no again (but I’m starting to think she said yes and then said no after I asked if she wanted to keep going.) This is the part in the memory that makes me feel bad about myself because I notice that it’s very wrong to do something like that and I didn’t think of it as bad in the moment which pretty much sucks I guess. So after she said no, this is the part where I got a little upset (I didn’t show it to her obv) bc I was confused. So instead of asking her immediately again, I decided to wait a really long time out of respect for her, (during that span of time, I would try and make flirty comments to her which were consensual) so that I wouldn’t do any harm to her. After a long while passed, I asked her again if she wanted to have phone sex to see what her next response was: if it was a no, then I’d end the call, if it was a yes then I’d stay and basically—yeah. So she said yes (which I’m afraid might not have been enthusiastic at the moment.) And I believed her so we went on, and then at one point I was getting bored and so I kept on having phone sex with her just to please her and then I remember staring at a church from across my house while having phone sex with her (at this point I was just touching myself with no communication involved.) And then I stopped touching myself for her and just did it for myself, and then at one point I noticed she was probably asleep. So I called her name hoping she was awake and she seemed tired so I ended the call and said that “consent mattered to me.” And after the call was over, I went to bed and was pretty happy about the experience but then the thought that I might’ve raped her crossed my mind and I got terrified and so I asked her through text. I was feeling pretty anxious in the moment and then I fell asleep (this event happened at night btw.) The next morning occurred and she responded to me saying that I didn’t rape her which I felt pretty relieved about. But this memory has haunted me for the longest time. Cause it seems so possible that I might’ve pressured her to have sex with me. I’ve been constantly ruminating about this memory for years and I always come to the conclusion that my interpretation of it is false and that I just don’t want to look like the bad guy even though I genuinely ruminate to look for answers and not to pretend that I’m the good guy. Sometimes I think it’s just real event OCD bc I think that I actually did do something wrong but I just feel intense guilt over it which somehow makes it OCD for some reason. Anyways, I feel like my experience with this type of OCD feels so alienating and overwhelming, I feel like I’m the only person in the world with this specific type of OCD and that nobody will understand my experience. I just want to feel like I’m not evil or alone in this experience.