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Trying to figure out if it’s ocd telling me not to listen to country music or God.

I’m constantly having fears of getting psychosis like I’ve been thinking I want to get closer to God but my brain is like what if I end up in religious physcosis or what if I drive myself into physcosis from my intrusive thoughts or what if I’m already in it.

i'm scared of my life right now. yesterday, i really had very dark and blasphemous thoughts about Jesus, and i think i believed and agree with them. as i think about it right now, i think i smiled or felt proud of it yesterday. i wasn't even sure if i laughed, felt proud, agree, or believed it—but i think i did believe and agree with it. yesterday, i felt sick too because of a cold, and i think i'm going through depression for days, so i felt so exhausted. as i'm typing right now the phrase that i'm going through depression and felt sick yesterday, my brain says that maybe i'm just using those as an excuse to not look horrible. today, i feel so horrible because what happened yesterday is very wrong. i shouldn't believe or agree in that. Jesus is very kind and loving, so why would i agree with those blasphemous thoughts? i hate what is happening to me right now. i feel like i'm not sorry enough for the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus. i feel so terrible. i feel like i'm starting to get cruel. even with random people, i'm having cruel thoughts and feel like i agree with them. i'm not like this before. i don't know why i feel this way—like i will just fully believe and agree in every cruel thought i have. i feel like i have no energy to really feel bad, even though i know how terrible those thoughts are. i don't want to be a cruel person. i feel so sorry and bad for the thoughts i had about Jesus and those people, and it doesn't help that i keep thinking about whether i really believed and agree with them. i'm also scared because i'm thinking i'm developing psychosis. i've been analyzing my behavior before and earlier, and i'm scared that too much thinking will lead me there. i'm scared because i also have urges to laugh sometimes, and i have random thoughts and phrases that comes on my mouth that are unrelated to what i'm doing. my emotions also don’t match the situation sometimes. i'm also talking to myself out loud—i’m doing it to answer back to my ocd and explain things, but sometimes i'm doing it randomly or out of nowhere but i'm aware of it. i'm so scared of developing psychosis. i'm 17, and i can't see the purpose of living like this. i hate my brain. i hate myself. i feel so cruel. if i die, i'm thinking i’ll go to hell because i believed and agree on the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus, even though i cry, hurt myself, and acknowledge how horrible and wrong they are already. i feel like i'm still believing and agreeing on those blasphemous thoughts, like they have a point—and i hate that. it is so horrible. i even scared how my feelings are not aligned, like i really like it. i don't know why i feel this way. i'm so cruel. when i think about healing myself, i feel so undeserving of it—because why would a cruel person like me deserve that? why would someone who might commit blasphemy against Jesus heal? i just want to d!e. i'm so tired. i don't care about myself anymore, but i'm so scared and worried about what i've done to Jesus. can you help me? i badly need help. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so condemned. i feel like i'm about to develop psychosis because of this. please help me. i feel so cruel.

I have irrational death fear and it trigger blasphemous thoughts I am speechless how can I do such things blasphemous against holy spirits what should I do any remedies?

My OCD diagnosis is still very new, but now that I know what it is, it is clearly something I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Contamination/bugs and health have been a consistent theme since childhood, but religious/existential themes emerged during adolescence. Around that same time, there was also a good deal of trauma, and during middle school I started experiencing hallucinations. Tactile (like bugs crawling on me or biting me, an eyelash being stuck in my eye, but nothing was really there); visual (like moving shadows or things that would dart past in my periphery, and then I would just have intrusive thoughts of scary things around corners or under things); and auditory (an angry male voice that grumbles or yells indistinctly, or a high pitched noise like a microphone/speaker feedback but muffled and less sharp). Because of the religious denomination I grew up in, I initially assumed these were demons and tried to address it that way, but when I was 14 or 15, it occurred to me that those voices/sounds sounded like the way I felt, and the visual/tactile experiences happened during times of stress too — and so all of those experiences could just be seen as an expression of a fragmented part of myself. That acceptance didn’t make them go away — I still experience them now and I’m in my 30s — but it made those experiences less scary and more manageable. I also see now how these all pop up specifically when OCD obsessions are super triggered and when I’m super sleep deprived. Anyway! Since this diagnosis, and talking about the hallucinations at all, are new to me, I am wondering who else has had similar experiences. I don’t really know how much of the hallucination experience is OCD versus trauma, but it seems like this might all make sense under the “quasi-hallucination” label.

I started writing this last night, but regrettably deleted it. I fell back in that mindset that maybe what I'm healing with-(see what I did there) isn't that big of a deal, and what's the point. I'm not sure if anyone will stay until the end of my note, but in some ways I find relief in that. I'm 22 years old and this MIGHT be the first time I've felt like I'm truly stepping out. I want to talk about 3 things, and they may at first appear questionable, random and confusing but if you stay it will all come together. 1) Regret 2) Envy and bitterness 3) A change. Starting with 1 regret. My regrets go far and wide, but when they do make an appearance in my life they rush in like flood. Every decision I've made whether good or bad seems to cloud my judgement and I can't think straight. I'm on carousel living my life in a constant what-if state. I've started writing back in 2017, and I was writing everything; stories, songs, poems, you name it. My regret is that maybe if I would've taken it more seriously, pushed myself a little harder, started small that maybe it could've sky rocketed me and my family. My mom always told me that that greatest singers like Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, etc. (I can't remember) started singing in the church, and she encouraged me that was where I needed to start. But I didn't listen, and dropped it entirely. I was young, and impatient. I still write to this day, but I absolutely dream of making music videos, and acting on a TV show or movie. There is a time and place for everything, so maybe it wasn't my time to find out that this is what I really enjoy. I still have a hard time grabbing the reigns of regret, but I know it doesn't control me I control what it does to me. 2) Envy and bitterness- boy oh boy where do I even begin? There is something interesting in my life that happens quite often, and maybe to others but it happens to me. Let's say for example I was the first person to discover an orange. Rarely anybody else or a few people know what an orange is, but I KNOW what an orange is. Let's say about a few months past and now EVERYBODY has an orange, and it lost its oranginess. I'm going somewhere with this I promise. When I start to do something, or discover something it doesn't take long for me to start seeing it everywhere- this correlates to 3. When I lost my virginity for the rest time almost 2 years ago, the idea of starting a family or being pregnant never peeked my interest before. But then like a tidal wave or a butterfly affect one after another over and over again I saw people getting pregnant, starting families with their boyfriend and girlfriends (which by the way I don't judge people who do, but me personally I need to be married). It started slowly, but soon everyone everywhere was getting pregnant, and having babies. I've never seen anything like that before I had sex, and it felt as if the world was rubbing it in my face and mocking me. Overtime I became bitter and envious on the inside. I quickly scrolled, looked away or zoned out anytime anyone talked about being pregnant or giving birth. My heart was turning ice cold every day by this, and when my own shame and regret about having sex outside of marriage kicked in it was game over. I began to project my own mistakes into their lives, and if they were struggling whether through financially, or their relationship I wouldn't feel bad because I was like they knew what they were doing, they knew the outcome and did it anyways. I couldn't be genuinely happy for them or anyone because I couldn't let go of the feeling that it was supposed to be me. And everything else was just a mix of the regret that I felt about having sex, and me feeling like it wasn't popular or common until I started. I want to teach my future children good morals, love, respect and I know that when I have kids that my life is in a way over because now my attention and full-time is raising this kid to be a good person that was why I felt like I couldn't be happy and it should've been me. But I know better now, I think better, and I'm getting better. I pray to God to lift it from my heart, and I feel awful about some of things that I thought- I never ever wished death on anybody but they weren't friendly thoughts either. I judged, and became awfully bitter but I want to move on and let that go. Sorry I rambled at the end there, lastly 3, goodness gracious buckle up please. I'm sure most of you know who BTS is the Kpop group, and remember how I said in 2 how when I find or discover something it feels like it becomes popular so quickly yea.. BIGG yea. I found BTS in 2016 when they came out with their WINGS album. I became engulfed and it was a whole other world for me. I watched everything Kpop not just them, but compilation clips, live shows, edits, MM Countdown everything! I knew they had a name for the youngest and oldest person in their group, I knew inside jokes, personal stories I felt like I knew it all. I don't like hardcore rap music, or what everyone else might listen to I felt that I had found my group, my band, my second close private family. That even though we might've never met I swear we knew everything about each other. They knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. And then when they started collaborating with American artist I couldn't stand it at all, and it was even worse when they collaborated with Nicki Minaj. The same people who I didn't want to listen were the main ones they were collaborating with. I'm not trying to sound uptight but BTS, BlackPink, Twice they all sung and were about two separate things. No offense but Nicki Minaj, Meghan, Latto and Glorilla all in some only produce music about sex. The message are two different things and I just think more and higher for them, to not lower themselves to that. It felt alot easier to meet BTS, only issue was the distant but now it's nearly impossible. I would do anything to meet them, and just tell them that I know them. And all of that what I said goes to all of them not just BTS, Twice and BlackPink included. Their lyrics, their message has changed in some way to me personally and the only good thing that I FEEL is the women they do collaborate with don't do a whole lot of cussing. That's it. If you made it this far how do you feel lol? I am working on myself daily, praying for those who I have become bitter towards because I don't need and can't afford to miss my blessing over roots the enemy placed in my heart. And I'm always gonna love BTS, I miss them. I miss seeing their faces, hearing their voice I just can't bring myself to look them up now. Thank you for staying if you did. God Bless you, and keep you. I love you all. *hearts*

Hey, I have been dealing with ocd for a while now and it has gotten to the point where every little decision could impact my whole life or something bad could happen. For example, ordering a coffee. If I pick 1st option on the menu, "you'll be a murder, evil, murdered." 2nd I would be okay. 3rd, " You'll be a pe*o, priest so you can't get married." (Not even catholic btw. Used to have obsession over it) It's tied to numbers and decisions. To the point it affects anything I do. It is tiring.

Do you think OCD could be one big lie and deception of Satan? It would make the most sense from a spiritual perspective. And motivated by fear - and God does not give us fear.

Im starting school again the 18th of August for the first time in-person. I just want be free. I am tired of living like this. I feel scared and petrified all the time. I feel like my sins are so much and so heavy. My OCD is slowly destroying me every day. I have asked God; what is this? What do you want from me? Forgive me! Release me! Help me! I don't know how to live a normal life or even a peaceful one. Help me Jesus! I renounce everything for you! I repent! This cross is so so heavy. Help me Jesus.

About 2 years ago I gave my life to Jesus. I've always been a "Christian" but never truly lived liked one until then. One day I had a thought about is God real? It bothered me so bad and I went into a massive spiral. Doubting everything. My faith. if I was good enough. Am I really saved? Do I have enough faith? Is my doubt real? Is it too much? Have these blasphemous made God not want me anymore? Or Jesus? :( Then I started having horrible blasphemous thoughts, then it would go back to doubting thoughts then back to the blasphemous ones. I hated the thoughts and doubts. The thoughts are so mean towards God, Jesus & HS. It’s anywhere from evil thoughts to cussing thoughts to rejection thoughts/denying. Demonic thoughts. Literally anything bad you could think of! Even thoughts of if I really love them or wanna follow them. I feel so trapped or my faith isn't the same. Which makes me sad because I want my faith! I feel like I've gotten lazy and honestly that I don't deserve them or am "too far gone" from them. I feel like idk how to be a Christian or how to have faith or just exist tbh. I’m in a constant struggle of fear, anxiety and sadness. I wanna love God & Jesus! I want faith! I just feel kinda stuck. Please help. I feel so numb and don’t know what to do. Has anyone gone through this or has advice or tips?

I just woke up and I keep calling God this terrible word in my head and it feels so real and I’m not super freaked out. I feel kinda numb to the thought but I just feel terrible at the same time because I don’t wanna talk this word I’m scared that God is gonna take me away. I don’t know what to do.

i think i started finding comfort in my own sadness and pain. yes, i want to heal. i want to smile again. i want to get better, but i feel like i don't because life is painful and i feel horrible. but when i don't feel depressed or in pain, when i can smile, i feel like i don't deserve it. i feel like pain, tears, or feeling depressed means i feel sorry. i feel guilty. now that i feel a bit numb, i'm searching for pain because i've been feeling depressed for days. i think my mind is burned out and needs rest, but i have this thought that after i rest, i must resolve every thought i have. i've been stuck in this situation because of these feelings and thoughts. i'm really struggling with severe religious ocd and have started developing moral ocd as well. i can barely see the light in my life anymore. i feel so condemned and unforgivable for every thought i have. i don't know if it's really me or not. i don't know what to do. i feel so lost. i feel so confused. i feel so undeserving, and i can't see my life without God, but i keep on hurting Him with my thoughts. i'm so tired of everything. more tired and done with myself.

I haven’t really been in my Bible lately cuz I just feel like when I read it like it’s to mark a box off and my ocd flare ups make it worse I don’t even want to read. I will read like a daily devotional or like a chapter but that’s like the bare minimum like it doesn’t even count so I don’t know what to do does that make me lukewarm I don’t want to backslide in my faith but I feel so far from God I mean I never really feel close either I just can’t even focus my brain is too loud.

THIS IS A RELIGIOUS TOPIC! If you're not religious but you still value sex after marriage then you can comment too. I'm not in a relationship right now, but this topic is bothering me. I want to wait until marriage, but I think i would be really weak in the relationship, cause even now I struggle with lust and sexual desire. Which is normal but I know if its hard right now, It will be harder with another person. I had different believes before, I didnt believe in getting married quickly, but someone changed my mind. I heard that wainting can worsen the relationship and even the Bible says that its better to marry than to burn with lust,.I think this might be interpreted differently. So I started believing in this until I heard stories of young people getting married and then fail and get divorced, or just struggling in the marriage, and ofcourse there are good exemples too, but Im still hesitating on this. I also heard someone express their opinion and said that you shouldnt get married before 3 years in a relationship, cause you even have good friends but after 3 years the friendship just goes away or something goes wrong. And this just made me questioning more. Ofcourse who doesnt value sex after marriage, it will be easy for them, but its hard for me. But I will be honest, I don't want to get married just because i cant control my sexual desire... This sounds really bad, getting married cause I want to have sex... I see alot of people telling me that they waited years and still waited until marriage, but im afraid I wont be able. But still I dont want to get married cause of that. 6 months and a year is too little time to know the other person. And I know others tell me no, you can get to know the other person even in 3 months, but maybe in 1 year everything is just beatiful and you dont know how yall are behaving when things are bad and there are challenges. I dont think you should know that when you are in marriage already... I wrote this cause i still have this duality in me, cause I dont know what would I do with the sexual desire, I need people who i can talk too, so If someone can share their story if they waited for years and how they did it, I would appreciate it.

This is gonna sound really weird and this is a disturbing post for me to make I’m 20, waiting till marriage. I’m a Christian but I have very bad sexual intrusive thoughts. this sounds so weird but I was thinking about the Holy Spirit like the Holy Spirit is love, peace, patience, joy, and stuff like that. My mind said that I wanted to have sex with an orange I know that’s a very weird thought but for some reason, I thought that would be cool but I know that’s very weird but in my mind, my brain said that orange is the fruit of the spirit and my brain said that I was thinking sexually about the Holy Spirit, but I don’t wanna have sex with the holy Spirit. That’s terrible I hate the thought. I don’t wanna have sex with the fruit of the spirit that’s terrible and I hate that thought now I’m scared what if I really wanted to do that to the Holy Spirit or to the fruit of the spirit? I just need some advice and I’m really freaking out anything you guys say would really help I am a Christian so please don’t go against my religious values and beliefs.

How can I overcome my fear of hell and the one sin that can’t be forgiven with erp erp is obviously to expose those fears and sit in uncertainty but I can’t be uncertain about eternal life even tho I feel uncertain all the time

What if I just committed blasphemy? In my mind, I was doing compulsions and I accidentally said the Holy Spirit is not of God but of the you know who I don’t even wanna type that on there because I know it’s not true and I’m worried that I committed blasphemy and I’m worried that if I type it, I’ll commit blasphemy I don’t wanna do this I don’t know what to do. I really don’t mean that.

My faith stays rooted in fear I don’t know how to stop it. I will be okay trying not to worry and let God handle my situations but then see something and go down a rabbit hole and spiral so bad. Cuz I feel like when I don’t worry then I’m not paying attention to anything going on and just going on with my life. I don’t want to follow him out of fear but I do so am I even really following him

Can you share a time you’ve seen God use your story with ocd for good? I don’t mean your experience with it was good in itself, but has there been times your life story has helped others open up, you’ve learned something about God’s grace in the process, or something like that? It’s one of the hardest parts of my own story, but there have also been so many times I’ve seen good come out of the hard stuff. I just would love to connect with others who have also seen this!

i feel depressed. i’m so tired of living with constant guilt, fear, and pain. i feel so lost and lifeless. i feel like i’m not living for myself anymore. i'm so done with my life. i really hate myself. it’s all my fault. everything that goes wrong and everything that keeps happening to me is all my fault. i feel sorry for the people who have me in their lives. they don’t deserve someone like me. this world doesn’t deserve a person like me. i can’t do this anymore. every night, i keep crying. i just don’t want to wake up the next morning, yet i keep waking up. for me, another day is another suffering. i hate myself so much. i don’t deserve anything good. i hate my really bad and dark thoughts, and i can’t tell whether they are truly mine or not. the guilt is eating me alive, and i feel hopeless and undeserving of forgiveness. my family doesn’t know about my struggles, and i don’t want them to. i don’t want to be a burden or make them feel like they failed as parents. i don’t want to make their lives any harder. i just hate my religious ocd. sometimes i think i’m just making it an excuse. i feel sorry for God and Jesus for being this kind of person. i wish i wasn’t born into this world. i can’t continue living like this. i feel like i’m going insane. i’m just accepting that i’m horrible, and that all those bad thoughts are mine. that i'm disrespectful and a terrible person. i'm not suicidal. i’m just so tired of living like this. i'm not expecting happiness or anything good because i don’t deserve any of it. i feel like a disgusting person. i hate that someone like me still has the courage to show up every day around other people. i deserve all the pain and to drown in it. i just want to vent about what i really feel right now because it feels so heavy and unbearable. i don’t want to make others’ lives miserable or hurt God anymore.