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Last year in April, I've been diagnosed with a condition that "may or may not" become cancerous, which has sent my OCD into overdrive. I get blood work every 3 months to check on it, but I'm told my risk each year is low. I've had so many somatic symptoms the past year, I just can't tell what's real and what's not. I feel absolutely insane. I've started trying to make better health choices, getting involved in sports, and I'm trying to work on some personal projects, but this fear has so much power it stops me in my tracks. I've been doing good with it for the past few months. However I had to print out the doctors order to get the blood work done in a few weeks, and I have been Googling and panicking ever since. I feel literally stuck in bed on my phone. Looking at YouTube videos about the disease, Reddit stories, research papers... but I also realize NONE of this is helpful. But I feel literally trapped right now. I don't know how to get up and stop it. I planned on having a good day today and I feel absolutely stuck...

So I'm afraid of everything. I often have panic attacks daily sometimes multiple times a day. I was diagnosed with illness anxiety but my therapist refuses to acknowledge that it is OCD. Obsessive thoughts about getting sick and dying. Obsessive thoughts and fears that are so severe its turned unto thantophobia. Even dying my hair at home now which I've done for over a decade is sending me spiraling and making me think I'm going to die. Dr Google and I have a really toxic relationship and I'm just so tired of feeling misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Repetitively checking my heartbeat, symptoms, finger tips...focusing on my breathing sends me into panic too. I'm also extremely superstitious and it's caused fights between me and my loved ones. As well as pattern recognition makes me feel like something bad is going to happen. I'm just over this. I want to get better.

I'm a 73yo retired physician who's struggled with OCD most of my life. While initially tic like as a child, it has evolved into obsessive thoughts (like trying to figure out what time it would be if I interchanged the hands of a clock, constantly calculating exchange rates for money when I travelled overseas, figuring age differences between myself and someone else, to the month, etc), perfectionism (like cleaning shelves and countertops over and over until it felt right, screwing in a lightbulb until it felt right, often resulting in breaking it, etc.) But more recently small physical actions (like blinking 10 times in a row until it felt even, swallowing in a certain way until it felt right, often leading to drinking many glasses of water which I'd have to diurese the rest of the day, etc.)These are but a few if the myriad of symptoms that I get. It's like my mind sticks to things to keep it occupied. It's like there's a little dictator in my head that tells me what I need to do, and decides whether or not I did it right. It has waxed and waned throughout my adulthood, but I've managed to have a successful career and social life. I'm married and have a 24 yo daughter. But it sabotages enjoyment and peace of mind. There seems to be no definite triggering obsession other than the stress of aging and retirement, but over the last few months it seems to be getting worse. I had traditional therapy as a teenager, before OCD was considered a neuro disorder rather than from dysfunctional past experiences. I've had OCD targeted therapy including groups with the Anxiety and Panic Treatment Center in Portland, OR, which kind of helped for a while. I do see a family oriented therapist for other issues. As far as meds, once I conceded that I needed them, Paxil worked for a while, but had a side effect profile. Lexapro, although promising at first, doesn't seem to help much now. So I'm considering entering more focused therapy. I'm open to whatever ERP can offer, although the symptoms change continually. And the role of mindfulness... Sent from my iPhone

Hi does anyone get a feeling off a skipped heartbeat/early heartbeat with there anxiety/ocd I have been drs and they said stop caffeine which I did and it still happens, they can’t see anything working with my heart on ecg etc so wondering if it’s can possibly be ocd/anxiety. Thanks

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell right now. Everyday, all day, my thoughts are focused on food. My brain is stuck in a cycle of fearing eating and I want it to be over, but I don’t know how to get unstuck! It’s basically like, “Okay the wife told me that we’re having pizza for dinner tonight… but am I in the mood for that? Will I have an appetite for that later? What if I don’t have an appetite and I try to eat it and the texture feels gross in my mouth and I gag or vomit? What if the smell of the pizza makes me feel nauseous? Oh god, but if I don’t eat dinner my blood sugar will get low and it’ll make me feel worse and I’ll get more anxious, so I’m gonna have to eat the pizza to feel okay, but now the pressure of eating this pizza is stressing me out!!” And it’s like that all the time!! I’m trying to push through and not pay the spiraling any mind and just eat like normal, but it’s hard when something that’s such a simple task feels like a herculean struggle, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better :(

I always post then delete my posts on heee but I’m going to try not to this time. Does the holidays cause your OCD to flare? My OCD has been so bad can’t rememebr the last time it was this bad. It started with digestive issues like constipation, which I went to the doctor for three days in a row (probably a compulsion) and been on a healthy gut kick since which has been slowly improving my symptoms. I thought once the constipation went away I would stop obsessing. But now, any little sensation or symptom in my body causes me to freak out and start crying paranoid that I’m dy*ng. I woke up this morning with a stomachache and got paranoid about that and had the desire to go to the Dr. But I’d be embarrassed to go to the doctors four days in a row. This is also the first Xmas without my grandma, and the seventh year without my dad. Anyone relate?

I cannot seem to stop the cycle and I’m questioning how much longer I can manage like this. I keep having a symptom, or so I think. It’s not super consistent, and when I’ve gone to the doctor to explain it, I feel like a crazy person. Its sharpish, tingling pains in my stomach that do seem to be more present when I’m stressing and hyper fixating on them. But sometimes just pop up on their own. I won’t notice it for a few days, and then I’ll feel a twinge in my stomach and absolutely have a freak out over it thinking it’s some stage 4 something. I’ve stopped wearing certain clothes and working out because I’m afraid of “triggering” it. I feel like I can’t even distinguish between what’s real and what’s not anymore. How will I ever know when to actually go to the doctor for something if i don’t know that what I’m feeling is even real? Has this happened to anyone else?

Haven’t posted on here for like 3 months. my OCD is confusing, I’ve been on Zoloft, took 2 pills of 50mg. & still nothing has changed. now they’re asking for me to specify my thoughts & how I feel. But, is it crazy that my intrusive thoughts are so hard to think of even though ik exactly what I need to avoid bc then I’ll think of what I don’t wanna think of? like I feel extreme depersonalization. Every. Single. Day. Vision gets blurry outta nowhere, little dizzy, red eyes ( sometimes brown ? ), rashes on my legs, tension on my head like if it was so full of thoughts. If I had to explain the pain I’d say it just feels like my thoughts were yelling. I’m so scared that no pill will help my ocd ?? like idk what to do. I’m constantly asking myself is this even real, is around me real? idk. .. at the beginning, I only had just intrusive thoughts.. but time went by & now I feel like I have more depersonalization than OCD it’s self. makes sense ? any of you relate ?

How do I react? I don’t know how I react. This morning the thoughts have gone insane and I had really bad groinal responses and I just felt…nothing. I felt too tired and exhausted to do anything about it except just sit there not wanting any of these thoughts or sensations. But why would my body react that way to something like that? Why am I not worried enough? Why am I not caring enough about any of it? Shouldn’t I be in distress and freaking out right now? All of it won’t stop and it’s like it’s all normal and I just can’t bring myself to do anything. What does that indicate about who I am and what may or may not be wrong with me? I’m so fucking tired of caring and worrying about any of this at all. When will I just accept that it’s OCD or just the one thing I REALLY REALLY hope it’s not?? Please. I can’t keep doing this.

Sometimes I feel absolutely fine, then the next few moments I’m gasping for air and it feels like it won’t fill my lungs no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it comes on so suddenly without me consciously thinking about it so I’m having a really hard time differentiating between what’s physically happening and what’s caused by somatic OCD. I wonder at times if it’s a mix of both, but either way it’s a terrible feeling and makes me feel dizzy, weak and anxious. I want to break this cycle so badly but I don’t know how to tackle it. Breathing should be such an easy, mundane thing but now it takes everything in me just to make it through each episode.

I have severe acid reflux and I haven’t been eating recently due to pseudo-dysphasia. But I had crazy chest pain and burning today at work that radiated to my back. I don’t know what’s a real sensation anymore or something created in my head. I have been is so much pain today that I broke and gave into the compulsion of going to the ER. Well shocker it didn’t make me feel better. Have had hundreds of tears done on my body and to see how my heart is and they say my heart is really healthy. Why can’t I just live and not convince myself that I’m having a heart attack .

Hi all, first post. Long time health and somatic ocd sufferer, now debilitated with anxiety and a new depression over death - not in a suicidal way - and the afterlife. I can't accept that everyone I love will die, or just human mortality in general. I am grieving something very intensely that hasn't even happened yet. I can't stop thinking about the unstoppable march of time towards death. I can't accept the idea that what is so special in this world - or my world - will be erased. I feel like I will never get over this. I do have beliefs - I'm a progressive Christian, and family members of mine have had experiences of deceased family members on their deathbeds. However, my OCD mind cannot accept uncertainty. How can I - or anyone - be okay if we don't know what happens when people die? I feel like I'm going absolutely insane, and I will never be happy again.