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I have POCD and ROCD I have had symptoms of OCD since I was very young but it didn’t get really bad until about 7 years ago when I was 16. I remember my first POCD intrusive thought popped into my head out of nowhere and absolutely terrified me, that turned into off and on spiraling through the years since. One of the biggest things I do while ruminating is “well WHY don’t you want to do it. If your reason for not wanting to pure?” And then I analyze why I don’t like the thoughts and it pops into my head that “you don’t care you only care what it would mean for you. You don’t care about burning other people or kids” and it causes a lot of moral issues for me and makes me feel like I don’t even know who I am. It happens with everything really. The other day I passed by a flower stand and I saw sunflowers, I thought “I should grab one for my sister in law she loves sunflowers” (I was on my way to see them already) and when I was about to get out to go get one I thought “are you doing this cause it would make her happy or are you trying to manipulate her into liking you more?” “What if they take it in a weird way and think you have a crush on her” so I stopped and just didn’t get the flower. It’s super annoying and I don’t know what it is.

Break up urges in OCD are the absolute worst. Last night I had a very difficult time falling asleep. After dealing weeks with my POCD, my ROCD started up again. It basically said that I’m too mentally unwell for a relationship and I need to be single to work on myself when I know that isn’t true. I can be in a healthy and loving relationship and still work on myself. Those two things can co exist. What doesn’t help either is that my OCD started to get worse since I was in a relationship so my brain is like if you break up, you won’t have to deal with this anymore but that just isn’t fair. Why should I have to miss out on normal human things because of OCD? I know when good things happening or big things are happening, it can make OCD worse anyway, and I’m not allowing it to win but it’s just so f*cking hard. OCD desperately wants me to be alone forever and not have good things and try and convince me it’s just keeping me safe. I am not falling for it anymore. My boyfriend knows not to believe me when I say I want to break up. He knows it’s OCD before I do and I’m so thankful for that. I’m not giving in, I deserve happiness and this relationship that means so much to me.

Im coming off sertraline/zoloft as it was giving me depersonalisation and made me feel disconnected from everything but now im panicking thinking what if it doesnt go back to normal and im having thoughts of what if i lose my mind etc and ive not slept in about 3 days no matter how hard i try i cant. Does anyone have any advice?

my thoughts used to give me company. they kept my head busy. i was never alone. now they’re quieter and i almost feel abandoned; it’s almost as if i just have to accept that im truly alone to feel what i feel. and as i recover from ocd, there’s nothing to distract me from this pit i’ve just been carrying around my whole life. it’s lonely, it feels so lonely to have nothing to hear; no static, no noise, and i wish it was peaceful. i thought it would be when i started therapy. i thought that i’d find a satiable peace. recently i can only feel anger and bitterness and frustration and annoyance and under all of that is sadness and exhaustion beyond that is just an empty loneliness. these feelings help me understand why i coped the way i did as a kid. when i realize the relationship between my childhood, my feelings, and my current self, my therapist calls these realizations “throughlines.” and in this moment, via the throughlines, it kind of seems like i can identify the way ocd brought me comfort, why i developed certain compulsions, etc. so now that i can tolerate all of the things that became intolerable, im left with the most intolerable feeling— loneliness. the heart of all my avoidance, grief, fears, everything. my biggest fear is to be alone. my ocd taught me how to not feel alone. now i’m recovering from ocd. now im lonely again. deeply and in the most familiar way. healing feels like i’m accepting the loneliness and acceptance feels depressing and defeating. im losing my sense of hope that recovery is worth it. i feel so bitter because im trying so hard to do everything right to recover from ocd. anyways. i’m going to stop ruminating now 👾 i just… wanted to know mostly if anybody else feels this way? or felt this way while recovering?

I’m new here my sister said she used this app to help as a place to rant which is nice. She says I also have OCD and it kinda sounds like I do. For whatever reason recently I’ve found myself not feeling complete or whole without talking to or being with my GF. I am in college right now and me and my roommates are mostly just hangout when we’re inside and want to. The past few days have been hell for me I just quit nicotine Ive stopped taking some of my Adderall meds because my anxiety is so bad but when I bring it all back to where I think it starts it’s all with my girlfriend. I just am so obsessed and love her with all my being it’s like I can’t breathe or be myself without her. I only find her apartment comfortable my place seems cold and dark. Just lying with her and being in her presence makes me so calm. So even when she’s at home and not doing anything and I’m home watching Tv or whatever I can’t help but feel this got wrenching feeling that makes me feel sick. It’s even worse when she goes out to the bars or anything like that. I don’t even know what my fears are anymore I just feel like puking and crying and I just wanna hold her. I feel disgusting for being so possessive. I just wish I could explain to her how I felt without making her feel like I’m dropping everything if that makes sense. I just wish there was a fix I’ve never felt like this in my life and this has only started in the past few weeks. Help.

Grad school has been a really rough road so far. I’ve been in the care of a therapist for almost the entire time (more than 3 years, with 1.5 left to go) and started NOCD earlier this year. I’ve responded really well and am making progress, but there are still so many unanswered questions about other struggles I am having. After months of waiting for an appointment, today I finally had a consultation with a new psychiatry clinic to see if we could get a better picture of what is going on. Over the years, different providers have suggested so many conditions it is hard to keep track of them all. After today, I still have no new answers. Just OCD, GAD, and specific phobia, which I’ve had diagnoses for since I was a kid. I’m getting referred out for more tests to check for autism (which would honestly probably be neuroaffirming at this point), but those assessments often book a year out. In the meantime, I will probably be starting either Zoloft or Prozac. I’ve never been on an SSRI before. The only psychiatric medication I’ve tried was a low dose of a stimulant when a different psychiatrist suspected ADHD this summer, but it went horribly wrong with side effects and worsening my OCD - so, I’m nervous to try something new again. Any suggestions for persevering through lengthy diagnostic processes? Or for starting an SSRI?

Good morning. I mainly want to rant in this post to other who may understand. I have CPTSD, Autism and have recently gotten my official OCD diagnosis. Gotta love it. Recently OCD has become unbearable, I have been going to my fiance for reasurance in almost everything I do, every life choice, every text I send always has to be "approved". Im exhausted. He is exhausted. Even if I know my thoughts are just OCD, and to sit with the discomfort it feels impossible, every fiber of my being is screaming to get reaasurance. I am embarrassed to admit that I thought to call a hotline..because they couldn't ignore me. Im scared and dont know what to do and I feel crazy. It feels like my OCD is a drug addict almost. And I know the reasurance is a horrible loop, but its so hard to break. * also very proud im posting this without my fiance or roomate proof reading it. *

Hi, I’m struggling really badly with false memory OCD right now and I really need some advice please. I love my boyfriend so much, but lately I keep obsessing about whether I might have cheated on him at a party. I keep going through my memories again and again, trying to find out if something happened that I don’t remember, or if maybe I somehow repressed something from that night. The more I search, the more unsure my memory becomes. I’m scared that maybe there is something I don’t remember and that one day I will find out about it, when me and my boyfriend are even more serious and our relationship has moved further. That is honestly my biggest fear, what if I finally allow myself to be happy, fully trust my relationship and stop worrying, and then suddenly someone tells me something happened and everything falls apart? Sometimes my boyfriend does something really sweet for me and instead of enjoying it, I get this horrible feeling that I don’t deserve him because maybe I cheated on him. How do you deal with this? How do you stop trying to find out what really happened when you feel like you might have forgotten or repressed something? ❤️thank u so much!❤️

Hey guys this is an extremely mortifying thing for me to post and I may delete this later but I've been spiralling for weeks and months about this specific thing and I desperately want some connection or support, or at least would like to know I'm not alone :( TW for taboo and porn talk // 18+ please I had completely unrestricted internet access as a kid, and at ages 10-12, I don't remember exactly, I remember finding a term on Youtube which I knew was taboo but I was curious, so I searched it on Google, and I watched that content. It was porn with women and animals and it was EXTREMELY easy to find. I didn't really understand how bad it was. I would watch porn from pretty much every category through my teen years, this was never the only thing I watched, but I would still watch it sometimes until I realized how disgusting and wrong it was. I stopped it completely at 16/17 years old. Several years later, I randomly remembered it and now this is absolutely tormenting me and I don't know how to move forward. The guilt is relentless and I keep getting flashbacks to this content. It's absolutely sickening. I don't even watch porn today. You can't find other abuse content online easily so I don't understand why this was so easy to access. I think because I could find it so easily, I didn't think it was "that bad". I feel sick that it took me so long to realize it was wrong. I'm getting a ton of ZOCD intrusive thoughts now and I'm spiralling into compulsions from that side of things too. I can't really access therapy right now and I feel so alone.

forget wishing for love and success! im wishing for total sanity. for freedom and a sound mind; perhaps those two are one and the same. i need to focus on gratitude. ocd makes it easy to get swept up in chaos and nonsense. but when it rains, i remember all my pets and family are safe inside, and i have a bed. i get to watch spongebob before falling asleep. someone’s one wish would be for such simplicity.

Hi, today was my first appointment with an OCD specialist. I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels at peace with it and like everything just clicked and made sense. The other part of me feels as though I've manipulated someone into thinking that I have it and I really don't. I know that's common and I'm trying my best not to seek reassurance for it, as I've realized that's something I do quite frequently. I feel relieved that other people feel the way I do. My new counselor is amazing and everything I had hoped that they would be. I'm hopeful for what's to come of this. Things that they said to me today made me feel so seen and understood to the point where I actually teared up quite a few times. What I'm struggling with now... I don't present OCD in the typical ways you would expect someone to without knowing much about it. I'm thankful that I'm able to read other people's experiences and connect with them in a space where everyone is experiencing similar if not the same thoughts as I am. However, I'm afraid to tell those close to me because I'm afraid that they will think I'm lying. I know that I shouldn't care and that I shouldn't worry about others' opinions, but obviously I've tried to not care and well... here I am. I am not overly cleanly, and I am not someone who makes sure things are completely organized, honestly, I prefer things to be a little bit cluttered. I told my mom a few hours after my appointment and she made me feel guilty in a few ways. The first thing that she said was "Do you think I did this to you?" and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't sure if it was something that was caused by anyone. There were a few things that I shared and said that I have realized I view crying as manipulation now, because when I would cry sometimes when I was younger there were people around me telling me I was doing it to make people feel bad for me. When I experienced suicidal ideation, it would be turned into another form of my "manipulation". I wouldn't say that I feel shame when I cry in front of others and don't typically avoid doing so, but I do tell them often that I'm not trying to be manipulative in doing that. Which I think confuses people because most people don't view it that way. When I told her that I was diagnosed, she said that she would have never expected that from me. I told her that there was no way she could have known. Many of my intrusive thoughts were/are taboo and I only found it easy to tell the counselor because he made it a comfortable space by putting many different subtypes out on the table very early on in the session. She told me she was sad because she thought I shared everything with her. I told her some of the things that lead to me wanting to get checked for it just to make her feel better, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was vulnerable of me and not what I was looking for in that moment. I really just wanted her to know that I have it and not how I knew I had it. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but I guess I just hope it helps someone. It helps me to type it out and get my feelings out there to maybe be heard by someone. If you have advice or need a place to vent in this post OR if you can just relate to what I'm saying, please say something. I don't have anyone in my personal life who understands this and I would love to hear what others have to say! Thank you :)

Let me introduce myself first. I am Reense. 25 years old & my biggest dream is to become a girl 1 day ( i am transgender ). I am very kind to everyone and i show always respect. I compliment many people & like to talk. But .... Since 2020/2021 i have OCD. It changes so many times, the one time this and the other time that. It's so scary. Now my question. I had last Friday an OCD situation. I worked very hard that day & i dont know what i had, but i was a little angry, when i walked home, really exhausted and dizzy, when i got back home, and i know that i did nothing but then my ocd suddenly thought: did you do something horrible on the way to here? Which makes the real reality doubtful. Harm OCD. Very scary. Then i became scared, and i deciced to relive the entire walk back home in my head with images, but .. i forgot about False Memory, but False memories, some of them, blend so much in with real memories which is very scary. When i got home, it was a normal time, nothing strange. But i am so worrying that, what if i don't remember something or what if the false memories are actually true? All of that. I know that it is all big Bullshit, but it feels so real. Especially with the memories, the false memories & false images & all of that. What can i do now? Am i a bad person? If you are dizzy or something else, is your ocd much more dangerous? Am i the only one in the world experiencing this? Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it so much. Much love.

I’ve been having a pretty bad OCD flare up this past month & have been meaning to start back up with therapy and psychiatry anyway just to get my foot in the door with getting OCD manageable + I’m having to go visit my home state after two years of not visiting it and my OCD is doing classic OCD things like “What if XYZ happens?” & “What if you ruin your favorite things/interests by looking at them there & you start pushing them away to not ruin them and then you ruin them?” etc etc. But during my appointment she prescribed me fluvoxamine for my OCD symptoms. Now for some context, years ago I was on Zoloft and it absolutely recked me and did not help me at all, and due to that SSRIs have been placed in the “I never want to take those things again” category & she obviously prescribed me an SSRI. Last night I had an absolute OCD meltdown. Thinking about how I felt during the time of taking my last SSRI, how unstable I was, how sick I felt, how I pushed all my likes and interests away in fear of ruining them etc etc & now that I’m so comfortable with my interests and hobbies and stuff like that, the mere idea of the prescription is like threatening my comfort. Which is obviously the OCD going full blast. I also would be starting a new medication out of state on a vacation in a place I have a lot of anxiety to be in, so I’m not gonna start taking it. I would much rather take a medication to ease my anxiety as needed + the medicine I’m already on and do ERP therapy IRL than take that medication. I have an appointment set up for when we get back and it’s virtual and for some reason I feel shame about wanting this instead of what she prescribed??? During our appointment she was very kind and warm and seemed to actually care about me so, during my next appointment I’ll mention all of this to her, I think I was to nervous to say anything my first time because I didn’t wanna seem to like intense or stressed or something. Does anyone know if this would be appropriate??? And does anyone have any tips or suggestions on how to ease those anxieties???

For the past few days I’ve been struggling to eat and sleep properly as side affects of my anxious thinking. Even though I’m not actively triggered, my body is acting like I am, and the increased heart rate/nausea/tight chest is pulling me back closer to my rumination and intrusive thoughts, like my body needs something to panic over. Does anyone have any advice on handling the physical side effects of OCD? And do you think this might be reflective of a new developing somatic theme?

Hello all! We are trying to find someone to do a psychological exam on our 11yo son. We are 95% certain it is OCD. We have tried balancing it at home, working through an “understanding OCD” book with him, and coming up with ways to “throw away” those thoughts. But we need more help. We are very nervous about finding the right help as when we reached out to a therapist we’ve used before with our other kids, she immediately sent us to the ER this summer and he was quickly placed in a 1013, without any proper warning or learning the intention/no ideation. We were able to advocate and get him reevaluated the next morning and he was released. To say it shook all three of us to the core would be an understatement. We need help in providing him care and treatment so that he can feel successful at beating these thoughts but we are scared that we won’t be heard again and we will go through another traumatic event. How did you find a therapist/medical professional to diagnose correctly and begin treatment? Thank you!

I really don't know what to do right now. I am feeling ashamed and guilty that how can I swear , abuse and curse my loving God, my parents and loved ones. I just want to remove this. Even if I sit with this , i experience discomfort. Oh God! Please help me. I don't want these thoughts. Why it happened to me. It attacked me where I was most sensitive. Please God help me with this illness. It's so hard. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am a very bad person. Feeling very alone in this fight or journey.

hi everyone, this is my first post and i’m pretty nervous because i’ve never really talked about my fears in the open before. i find myself worrying constantly that i might smell bad, look dirty/disheveled, or that people think i’m unclean/unsightly. i know a lot of this must stem from self-esteem and body image issues. even when i shower and use lotion, perfume, etc. i feel like there must be some sort of smell that i will never be able to control. when i sit at my cubicle at work, i swear i can smell something off, but people always tell me i smell nice. it’s especially bad when i don’t wash my hair (i have bleached hair that i dye vivid so i try not to wash it often to prevent fading). when i use dry shampoo or corn starch to freshen up my hair, i only feel more dirty and disheveled, even if it looks okay. i admittedly fell victim to the “cleanliness olympics” as the internet may call it, where many creators made videos saying if you didn’t wash a certain way, use certain products, use chemical peels, antibacterial soap, etc. it means you’re unclean. it’s to a point where i’m worried about being unclean, but i’ll go a few days without showering because the task is so daunting, but i will use cloths with soap and scrub myself to at least feel cleaner. i am stuck in a horrible loop and i guess i just want to know if others go through this too… does this count as contamination OCD? i’m very much a newbie as i’ve only just been diagnosed with OCD and i feel very intimidated by what my thoughts and compulsions could mean. i feel so silly for saying that i’m afraid of being dirty/smelling bad while also being stuck in a loop of being unable to bring myself to shower at times. i’m sorry if maybe i worded this badly or if it’s triggering without me realizing.

So I had a fight with my girlfriend last night and it was because of my ocd. I have rocd and friendship dynamics really trigger me. I have a very open friend community and outlook on friendships. When I invite my friends out there is a “more the merrier” mindset and we really don’t care who brings who even if we’ve never met them before it’s very inclusive. We’re all neurodivergent if that makes sense. I’ve also known I was queer my whole life and never played into the “girls night” “boys night” dynamic, My girlfriend is not neurodivergent and I’m her first queer relationship, and her friend groups are very exclusive. When we first started dating the idea of me joining in on her friend hangouts was alien to her. None of her current friends ever brought their partners or invited new people into the group. I don’t think this way of relationships is wrong but I don’t understand it and it’s not what I wanted for myself. We talked about it and we came to a good spot on how we navigate friendships in our relationship and we now have some good mutual friends. ( we found out we were more compatible then we thought) We’re both happy with it now. The problem comes down to the fact that my girlfriend doesn’t make plans. I planned all our dates for a while and it was a bit of a burden. I was struggling to come up with ideas and we just kept eating out over and over. Then her friends who I didn’t know yet would invite her out to cool shit like concerts and piercings and escape rooms ect. It really triggered my ocd and I didn’t understand why I was upset at first which led to a couple of fights. She thought I was trying to control her and not let her hang out with her friends without me, but I was just feeling left out because l struggling to plan fun dates. Eventually I figured it out and we talked, and I had her plan a couple dates. We also made a list that we add too and pick from when we want to go out. I thought it was resolved until I realized it wasn’t. Because I still planned 90% of the dates and contributed to 90% of the list. I was missing a core part of why I was upset and it was that I wanted to feel validated and loved, like she wanted to include me in her life. Also she would mention in passing she wanted to go somewhere and instead of planning it so we can go, and I could experience the things she’s always wanted to do with her and receive the validation of her putting in the effort of sharing it with me, I would have to plan it. And sometimes her friends would happen to invite her to it first and I would miss the opportunity to go because I hadn’t gotten around to planning it yet or I planned it after them. It felt like she didn’t care whether or not I was there for her important life goals and experiences. We fought about it a little bit but I had gotten better at figuring out the root of the problem through the “I’m dying” feeling ocd gives me. And I told her that I needed her to show more initiative. At least occasionally I really don’t need much. 30% would thrill me. I said she can start with my birthday weekend and she’s done an amazing job. But I still had the lingering fear that after my birthday weekend she’ll stop planning things. Because I always asked before. This comes to the fight. So we hadn’t fought in a long time and we’re in a really good spot. She got invited to this casino by her coworkers (mutual) and I couldn’t go because I’m not 21. This triggered me because she mentioned she has always wanted to go to a casino just once in her life for the longest time and it felt like a really big deal that she didn’t want to include me in. She threw in that we can just go again but she didn’t know I wanted to go but this felt half assed and we had talked about it briefly before and I said I would take her and teach her how to play black jack. It also hurt to watch her come to me so excited about these plans she had that don’t include me, when she’s never approached me super to excited about a plan she made that included me ( that I didn’t ask her plan). But I let it go ( this is when we talked about her planning more stuff and my birthday ect.) anyway 2 months went by and nothing happened. Now I just turned 21. I can go to the casino now and I was holding on the hope that she would include me now because originally the reason was because I’m not 21. And you know I didn’t want to plan it because that would defeat the whole point. I hear her phone blowing up and I asked her what’s up and she said the group chat was finally planning the trip. I was like oh you know I’m 21 now, and she was like yeah? Which hurt like hell. Now I was a bit passive aggressive and it led to a fight. She said the casino was never as important as I thought it was, just like going to the movies for her, and she didn’t do any planning, someone just through up a date and everyone agreed to it before she could respond and I wasn’t available and she said she might be busy to so she didn’t mention it to me. But it just felt like hashing out old stuff we already solved. I feel like instead of talking about why I was triggered by it she just kept saying that’s not what happened I don’t understand what you want from me. I wanted initiative from her to include me in something important and I thought she missed an opportunity to do that after we just talked about it. I realized it was a misunderstanding and I apologized and explained it but it was difficult to get to that point. she got upset because she thought I just didn’t want her hanging out with her friends without me, which isn’t true obviously and we had already talked about how we want friendship dynamics to work and we’re both happy with it. This was an original point of conversation when we were first hashing out how we feel about friendships and it was very important to me she didn’t feel that way. We were both happy with the friendship dynamics we established. I wasn’t trying to change that now. It felt like we were having 2 different conversations, she just kept shutting down and saying I don’t know when I would ask her questions to try and figure out if she was truly happy and comfortable with the friendship dynamic we picked. This made me keep thinking she just didn’t want to include me and that’s why she didn’t invite me to the casino and it hurt even more. She was saying it’s healthy to hangout without me and I was like yeah but the why is important, so why? What situations do you think it’s healthy for me to step back? And it was just more I don’t know. She was saying she feels like she’s right but maybe she’s wrong and that made me feel like I was pressuring her and I don’t want to do that. She finally said some of her side and I was finally able to realize there was a miscommunication and explain it and apologize. And then she said we were good and she was happy and she felt everything was resolved and our current friendship dynamic was fine and she thought I was upset about her going out without me, not the underlying fear i had or the assumption I made. The whole conversation was very difficult to engage because my ocd was telling me she was gonna break up with me the whole time. It makes it hard to advocate for I want and think clearly about what’s fair for both of us becuase I just want to bend to her side and move on. It also makes the situation very painful and sometimes I revert back to old compulsions like asking for reassurance or being slightly passive aggressive. It’s difficult because sometimes half way through she gets frustrated by the conversation and says fine we’ll just do it your way and I have to be like please don’t do that that’s not what I want and your obviously lying. (Communication was something she had to learn because she lied to avoid conflict a lot even if the thing she was lying about wouldn’t have caused any conflict) I want her to understand my side and want to come to a compromise. I don’t want to have to keep pushing for what I want or feeling this way. i feel like it also takes time to implement our compromises which leaves room for ocd to scare me into thinking she’ll forget about them or ignore them and I’ll continue to feel this way. But she’s usually good about it. But I also don’t know what’s my ocd and what’s healthy for a relationship ( I was in a toxic one before this which definitely skewed my perception of what a healthy amount of affection looks like). Even though she said everything’s fine I still feel she’s lying to appease me. I’m scared I’m asking for too much affection. I’m scared I’m pressuring her and she’s going to leave me because I’m toxic or something. I absolutely do not want to do that but I also want to feel loved and validated. I’m scared it will never be enough and it’s all my ocd. Is my ocd the reason I give so much affection and want “ a lot” of affection in return? Is my ocd the reason we keep having this fight or is it because the issue was never really resolved and my ocd is making a normal issue hard to navigate? I just want to have some mutual friends with my girl, have her plan some dates without me asking and feel like she’s actively sharing her interests and passions with me. I know she’s already shared some of her interests with me but I ended up planing them and making them happen. And when that happens it feels like she could take it or leave it ya know? Maybe I’m being too much and I should be grateful for what I have and asking for more is too much?

Do any Christians struggle to understand what God wants us to do? I struggle with understanding if what I am doing is what He wants… should I get married, my career choice, etc. Sometimes He feels so distant. Any advice from other Christians?

Hello. Everyone it’s been a while since I’ve typed on here because I’ve been from so ocd to rocd . But now it’s both attacking me. So recently I was on TikTok and saw a guy who I thought wow he looked good back then. Then it spiraled into an are u gay and I panicked and got anxious and turned red because of the anxiety and fear of that. Then I started getting scared for the day and then eventually it stayed in the back of my head. I couldn’t think and eventually in the next while my friends said they wanted to go to a rave and my friend said that they were bringing their gay friend to it and sometimes they joked around that they ask the gay friend if I was cute and he said that I am attractive. Yk how that feels as someone with so ocd. So I kinda was like what if I engage with him or what if I like him and what if I let him do something to me or I do something to him. I then looked up his instagram because I was avoiding him in anyway and I saw his instagram and he js looks like a normal fit dude but I knew he was gay. So it made me think if I think he is attractive or a good looking guy or compliment how he looks in anyway does that mean I’m gay, do I like him and then anything related to working out or anything related to my friend he then pops up. And it scares me thinking why am I thinking of him does that mean I feel something for him and etc. I have a girlfriend of 2 and a half years so it not only interferes with my relationship and rocd but it makes me think yk do I like my gf is that why I can’t feel the love strongly , am I not in love, am I js staying in the relationship to not be gay. Also me and my gf have been having problems recently in our relationship like communication and other things people have. I genuinely js want to love this girl and be in love with her without all these thoughts coming up and if I could I would give up my arm and leg to js be happy with her forever. I told her about my “ocd” today for the first time and she looked confused. I told her I suffered from subtypes like false memory, religious, harm, contamination, and the two biggest ones rocd and so ocd. So I told her and she gave me a hug and said we’ll get through it and I felt slightly better until after she left. All the thoughts rn came up. I felt like she doesn’t understand still but I hope she does. I js wanna be happy I’ve had a crush on her since the 10th grade and we barely dated at the end of senior year. But right before we dated march 2024 in December 2023 all these thoughts popped up of so ocd all from a. Little thought in my head saying “what if I’m gay” and me researching scared me even more. I later in the year got therapy and they gave me ocd suggestions that help people with ocd. Basically typical ocd treatment ,my therapist told me sounds like ocd idk if you have heard of it and I knew all about it I js didn’t wanna self diagnosed but I never heard the words you have ocd. Which scares me rn too. I js want peace in my relationship l, peace in my mind, and peace in the future. It’s torturing me and it wasn’t this bad since August 2024. The so ocd went away until now and the whole time it was js rocd. Js do I love her, am I losing feelings, what if I cheat on her or she cheats on me, what if I lose her and she replaces me in the future, she’s gonna be happy with someone else if I leave. I’ve been panicking every day. And not knowing if I have ocd fully also scares me. I can talk privately about more before all this like more times that sounded like ocd to me. Please help me.