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Why does it feel like I could be fantasizing if I wanted to but it’s like I’m holding myself back???? Because every time I get an intrusive thought that that’s what I want it seems like I’d be able to linger on it if I didn’t think p*dophilia was disgusting and awful and it just seems like I would like it but I would never do that 😭😭

Hi! I have contamination OCD. It’s fascinating to me how people with OCD have such a hard time being rational with their own thoughts and fears but can be so reasonable when it comes to other people’s OCD thoughts. So since I am having a hard time distinguishing reality and fantasy, I thought I should share my newest OCD thought and have you try and make me look at it in more rational way. Since my mom stayed with us for a month I started obsessing that she put something in the dryer (a phone, a battery, or something else toxic) that - with the extreme heat - melted or exploded and contaminated my dryer. Now, weeks after she left, I still have the feeling that every time I dry my clothes I am getting contaminated and that they are making me and my baby sick. It’s bad to the point I don’t want to wake up in the morning because I feel so depressed. Imagining the worst case scenario in which my mom is a liar - would never tell me she put something else other than clothes in the dryer - and in which she’s extremely careless and doesn’t look inside pockets etc and in which she actually put something in there. What are the odds that me and my family are actually getting sick from using the dryer? Thank you all! 💚

So to give the whole run down of my story I had been on effexor for almost ayear at 37.5 mg. I thought I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. Well then I started feeling really anxious and worried. I was to embarrassed to admit to my doctor that I had stopped my medication and threw it out so far a short week and a half I started smoking a dab pen. (Sigh I hate myself still) I had a really intense panic attack and during this panic attack looked up different things about pot. Of course weed psychosis poped up and I started feeling more anxious. Well I slept this off and felt fine for a few days and haven't smoked since. Around day three me and my husband were watching scream 2. All of the sudden I started having intrusive thoughts about stabbing him. I had no idea what was going on with me and I was convinced this was me developing schizophrenia or going through psychosis. (I was and still am really ignorant about the mental illness I will admit but more on that later) I called my mom I was so scared that I was gonna hurt my husband and wanted to go to the hospital. She was scared about me going to the hospital so she convinced me to come to her house instead. At this point I decided I would start my medication again. Three days later and nothing had gotten better so I finally convinced my husband and mom to let me go to the er. They admitted me to their bh floor and the next morning I was talked to by their best psychiatrist who explained to me that what I was dealing with was OCD. He increased my effexor to 75mg and sent me home. I still struggled for about two weeks with this theme and even became very depressed about it. How could I feel that way about my husband ? But I also I felt guilty as I felt as if I had triggered this mental illness to develop in me. Anyway. Then once that intrusive thought stopped bothering me I started to get fixated on psychosis and schizophrenia. I would research for hours and hours on end (not in the greatest of places mainly tik tok and reddit😑) and I came across this girl on tiktok saying she was in a psych hospital because she believed the world was a simulation. It scared me I started questioning my own belief in reality to because of this. Could everything be a simulation?  Was reality real or perceived?  It freaked me out so much I felt TW suicidal and again went to the er. Well same thing they kept me just over night said hey guess what this is your ocd and you need to give your meds more time to work also your pregnant. Which is one of the only positive things in my life right now. They sent me home and things got better until my anxiety over all of this became so unbearable I started to experience derealization. I was referred by my psychiatrist (who wasn't really good) to a IOP program. There I was prescribed a increase in effexor, trazadone, and buspar all after talking to someone for 20 min. Needles to say between that and hormones I was not feeling great. Increased derealization/throwing up everything I put in my body which resulted in er trips to get iv fluids because I would be severely dehydrated/ blurred vision/ out burst of anxiety that would then turn to frustration and anger. I told the psychiatrist that and she swore I would not go through withdrawal and took me off of everything cutting me down back to my 37.5 mg of effexor. I went through extreme withdrawal which Increased my throwing up and anxiety which then increased the derealization. In this time I became desperate worried once again I was going through psychosis or schizophrenia. So I started researching symptoms and taking test online and again watching videos. I learned about citards delusion and began to go in my head "I'm dead" "I've felt this way before" even though I hadn't until reading it. My original psychiatrist then said "you aren't suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia because you are to aware and this only happened after you read about it" eventually I made it through and became just depressed. My depression had been so bad I didn't even feel like showering so I started to look up if this is normal and of course anehdonia came up which is a symptom of schizophrenia(as well as depression which I do have mdd without psychotic features) I became convinced again. This was it. I was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't gonna be able to live a normal life (ignorant) I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (bigoted) and my husband and family would no longer love me (wtf). My psychiatrist in attempt to make me understand told me that anehdonia is much different in schizophrenia then depression and that I again wasn't suffering from schizophrenia. He even told me about a patient who had schizophrenia that he seen that couldn't recognize her husband. This sat with me and not in a good way. My intrusive thoughts then became "That's not your husband" while looking at my husband. Which of course would make me anxious. Why was I thinking this ? Did I honestly believe it or not? I wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. /l

So there’s a guy I work with that I am friends with and I have to work around him there’s nothing I can do about it but he has told me he likes me and I told him many many times I was not interested at all and to please stop because he follows me around, I catch him staring, he flirts in a strange way, not sexual but complimenting me everyday 5 seconds and that’s nice and all but seriously and he gets jealous and aggravated when I talk to other people and not him or when I say I’m going to make a change in myself he gets all frustrated but when I call him out on it he denies it to everyone. I went to two members of management about it and they both had a talk with him and told him to stop but he hasn’t, if anything it got worse. He’s 36 I’m 23 he’s also very desperate for a woman and when I mean desperate I mean DESPERATE. I just have no interest in this guy whatsoever and that’s normal but the way he acts when I tell him to stop, he lurks around work pouting because he gets all butthurt when I say anything and then it makes me feel bad. I just want to work in peace without being followed or stared at. It’s one thing for that to happen with someone your actually interested in but one that creeps me out and gives me bad vibes? Yeah I don’t think so. I’m thinking about going to my store manager and telling him but I honesty don’t think it’s going to make a difference. What should I do because I’m worried if I make him made just enough he’s going to lose it and go after me. He’s already gotten angry at me apparently I had an attitude (which I have in general towards most people not just him) and he told my other coworker/friend that he hated me and said hell me hell with this place and that he didn’t care about me anymore and he came up to me today with an “apology gift” and said that he was angry and didn’t mean it but you can’t take worse back. Obviously I forgave him and moved forward but then he started doing creepy crap again and I’m starting to get freaked out…if anyone has any suggestions on what I could possibly do about this I would really appreciate it. I’ve been trying to be nice to him and I told him I will be harsh if I need to be. I don’t think anything is going to make him stop. I get having a crush but I’m sorry he really seems creepy to me

Just because you have thoughts, feelings, and images doesn’t mean you have to interact to them. The problem is reacting to them all. You know how exhausting that is— refuse to give in. Let the thoughts, images, and feelings be there without reacting to them. They won’t hurt you; you’re hurting yourself in the long run by obsessing, ruminating, giving into compulsions, and seeking reassurance. Let me say it again: your thoughts, feelings, and images will NOT hurt you. Am I hurt by my mental illnesses? No, because I know what they are. They are insignificant to me. They pop up in my head and I let them pass by like a floating cloud in the sky.

One of the steps I would say for everyone in OCD recovery is to take responsibility. OCD is just symptoms but there is usually a underlying motive behind them, or a theme, but once you start to take responsibility for your OCD and your actions that trigger or bother OCD, it will be easier to help recover. This is a very common theme throughout literature and I’m sure you can read more online!

Can someone with so ocd explain if they have sexual urges?

It’s maintenance work at this point. I can confidently say I’m better , if the other therapist are like mine you’ll be better with due diligence and the effort you put in with the erp homework. I am on zero medication

so tired of not knowing whether i have ocd or not, it's driving me crazy

I can’t tell if this is a spike and I’m unsure, but I was doing fine for a few weeks and then my brain was telling me I want to be sexual with a woman which I don’t desire or want. It was like “you don’t want to date a girl but you wanna be intimate with one” (I saw a post yesterday saying that and I may be wrong but I think my brain took that as a new thing to obsess over) But then my brain will rephrase the question and then tell me yes I want to do it but I was very calm about it which then made me question why I didn’t mind the thought and now I’m like oh no do I actually want to do that ?! Then it had my spiral and it is really making me believe I want to now 😢 but it feels so real that I can’t tell what’s right or wrong anymore! It’s like I don’t desire that but my brain is telling me if I had the chance I would. But I don’t want to experiment or anything I don’t desire that! But my brain is telling me I do desire it and it’s not an unwanted thought. It’s weird it’s starting to feel so real and it’s as if I have to accept I’m suddenly bi or I was actually always like this! But I’m not attracted to girls! So this is so confusing and makes no sense 😭I also try to remind myself that thoughts are thoughts but it’s getting so intense that I’m like this is just my doing I just want to think this now huh? I also couldn’t tell if this was OCD anymore. Also if I constantly keep asking myself the same question my brain asks me and I say no I don’t want to do this it’s as if I’m lying to myself and my head is like nah you want to do this. And then if I ask the same question and do the whole maybe, maybe not thing it makes me feel like I’m actually gonna do it or that I genuinely want to do it and then it feels very real. I’m so distressed. Also, is me constantly asking the same question my brain asked a compulsion ?

People who are currently taking meds how has life been treating you? Have the intrusive thoughts been reduced? Are you happier and able to do normal activities? (Watch/enjoy tv, read, play sports, go shopping, go to the park, etc.)

Self-esteem is contingent on comparison. What do you guys think of this statement?

So afraid of starting therapy on here. I have done the intake, questionnaires, and how this should go. I tried listing some of my triggers/obsessions but that threw me into a panic attack. Did the SOS video but couldn’t even stop crying to pay attention to it. This is the first time of doing OCD specific therapy.

I was doing fine for a few weeks then my SOOCD is telling me I want to do sexual acts with women but when I neutralize the thoughts it freaks me out thinking I actually do want to it and then my brain goes hmmm you didn’t panic maybe you do kind of want to. Then my OCD screams “you’re bi” but I don’t want to do any of this and then my OCD goes “I think you do maybe you’ve thought about it before” and I’m like what??? Now it’s making me question if I’ve thought about it before!? This is so frustrating I don’t want this! What’s weird too is that I haven’t lost my attraction towards guys (bc I know some people who suffer from this subtype lose attraction) and I’m not attracted to girls. But it’s causing me distress. There’s nothing wrong with being bi or gay or anything obviously, this just isn’t part of who I am so having these thoughts and anxiety makes me feel weird. I know progress isn’t linear but it’s just annoying that it can have me freak out all over again. Has this happened to anybody? 😭😭😭

I’ve made sex jokes and called people papa as joke I’ve even called my close girl friend papa or mama. And she does the same. And I obsess about me cheating and I feel really bad for trolling people online 2 years ago with jokes etc. my bf knows and does not care. I’ve self harmed over this many times and other things.

How the f**k am I supposed to deal with uncertainty?!

I have real event OCD (tendencies) recently. For me, I think part of OCD is a battle with serious threats or perceived as serious threats to integrity and identity. But identity and integrity are important, right? Identify is behind so many things on how a human behaves, thinks, acts. Integrity is very important too. It's the difference between someone feeling like a fraud/fake or feeling genuine. My question is I just don't know how identity and integrity is preserved via ERP or therapy, if there are "conflicting" things (to identity and integrity) that need to "accepted" or just accept the result of a real event "result" being inconclusive. But also I think my real event OCD tendencies crap are a little beyond the normal stuff as far as I don't think I can move on without the "assurances" or "accept the unknown" without at the same time being in tune with identity and integrity. What do ya'll think? Has anyone felt the same way or think ERP can help this? Thanks!

reading your experiences gives me a hint of what ocd looks like. While it does help me understand my symptoms more, it also makes me feel weird. an odd feeling, i'd say it's fear. I am indeed ''obsessed'' by not having the same symptoms as people w diagnosed OCD, thus meaning i dont have it (i dont have a diagnosis yet). Could this be some kind of theme? A symptom of OCD?

I have been on this app for a while sense probably last summer but I got rid of it a couple months ago and got it back a couple weeks ago. I've never done a full introduction so here it is. I'm Vivian and I have OCD and GAD (general anxiety) my 3 biggest subtypes are Contamination Magical thinking Harm thoughts And it is really, really hard nothing seems to help, but I'm also on the waiting list to be evaluated for Autism which is also so confusing and frustrating. In general life kind of sucks I'm 14 and I love animals, stuffed animals, American Girl dolls, reading and my switch! My favorite color is purple and my favorite food is pasta. My favorite shows are Heartland Veronica Mars Over the garden wall I also love marvel and animation shows and movies, and Harry Potter. That's basically it I think :)

I can’t tell if this is ocd or if I’m depressed or in a crisis the thoughts and feelings feel real and overwhelming and I’m scared