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Me and my wife both have the day off and all I want is to spend a nice day with her but all I feel is anxiety and frustration… why can’t I just enjoy this.

Welp. Woke up this morning and it was alright . Realized I had to come into work 10:30 . Then realized last minute I didn’t have clean uniform. I began to over analyze my entire life and how much of a failure I am . I work with bunch of HS kids and most of which know how to drive and/or have their vehicle unlike me . Meanwhile, it’s been over a year and all I been doing was working which feels tiring to a certain point - it’s not always bad jusr some days I get real exhausted from normal work stress or even sometimes the fact I’m not at higher position as the other workers are . Which puts me to think “geee not only am I not able to drive like most people do (including my own siblings) but I also can’t manage to be as good as other employees for other managers to realize. Not to mention, on top of all this I have to deal with the non stop episodes of my ocd . It interferes with work, my chores, my inability to drive , etcccc. I’m not in a relationship which does stress me out because I know I am not ready until I have stop stressing about my low self esteem and social anxiety . I have also have anxiety of not having my goals done and just not being organized . I have a list of goals I wanna accomplish . How will I be able to manage all this stress /anxiety when I get to college? Especially with all the work I’ll have to be doing during college . This is just so much for me it feels impossible . I haven’t even started erp . I feel hopeless. I feel like a loser . It’s the bare minimum that I can’t even do such as driving - I understand it takes time blah blah it’s a essential thing eveyone needs to know unless given the circumstances one is in. Even with my case, j feel like I should’ve been knowing and I only blame me for it . I’ve wasted many of my youthful adolescent years . Gee I sound like a grandpa and I’m barely 20. All of this just stresses me out so bad ...I envy the kids at work . I’m just done at this point. I called off work today . I’m qutting my job ...I am DONE. But hey , bright side is I’m still trying to do the bare minimum, I’m switching to an alternative job for moment being while I have 3 months left of college . I’m starting my drivers Ed this upcoming week and I am taking my drivers test by end of this month. Only thing that is getting to me is not managing my ocd ...episodes come and go and once I’m out of one I feel so relieved and happy and all sudden I feel like stuck again . Another one of my top stress factors is my low self esteem . I desperately want to lose weight for the sake of my mental health and more in depth with social anxiety . I just wanna be happy . I’m trying to balance out everything.

How detailed can thoughts be? Can it make you question if it even is OCD or just denial? I have talked to friends and therapist in the past and they have said based on everything you've told me you aren't what you think you are. And it felt like a weight had been lifted. But doubt creeps up saying "you are a pedophile, you are just in denial!" And that feeling comes in my gut followed by intense anxiety. I've heard OCD can make you question who you are as a person and I think that's what is happening now. I'll get a thought like "even if you are one, its not that bad" the I think but I don't feel like one and I've talked about this with mental health professionals in the past and they have agreed based on everything I've told them, then my mind claps back with but what if you are? It is a back and forth I get so exhausted having. I know I have to be ok with never knowing but it is hard to not want an answer because of the fear you may become your thoughts one day.

OCD INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? In July I was isolating for 10 days and then I got bored because I have a girlfriend. I then went on PH (porn hub) which i know is a legal site. After browsing for a little bit I decided I didn’t want to use the site anymore because I wanted to give it up. After not being in the best emotionally situation as I was being emotionally abused by my sister everyday after loosing my mum and my house. for the first time in my life I was guilty for going on PH which I do not understand why. Well maybe I do understand I think it is because I’m a Christian and I wanted to give it up. After I came off PH I started thinking to my self what if I typed in something bad or what if I watched something bad which doesn’t make sense because I have never felt like this before in my life. After telling someone about what I did they said everyone watches those stuff and that’s it’s fine. But I just couldn’t let it go for months I’ve just been worrying what if I watched or typed in something bad. I even saw on Twitter someone typing a bad search on PH and it had a message that they violated there terms and services. When I went on PH that didn’t come up so clearly I didn’t type in something bad. But still I worry I don’t know why. I even went on a website called just answer and asked a question and a lawyer said it was fine but I still worry and I don’t know why. After a few months I stopped searching for answers because it wasn’t doing me any good. It was like a loopwhole. After a while I think I was getting a bit better knowing I was also going to get help Because I do not know what’s is wrong with me. Just a few days ago I just wanted closure again because I’m tired of worrying. It got so Bad at one point that I remember getting head pains because I wanted reassurance so I was going to go to the police to tell them everything but it just didn’t make sense because why now it not my first time going on PH? Anyways 2 days ago I went on to QUORA and asked do google allow illegal searchers. I was looking at different answers why? To get reassurance. After clicking on different questions i remember scrolling down to see answers but other questions were also there. Someone asked a stupid question and posted a picture which I don’t know if it was Illegal. I closed the browser straight away because I didn't want to get in trouble. I wanted to report what I may have been illegal so I decided to look up my history and see if I could find the question but because the question was bad and the image I didn’t want to click on the question because it would then be saved into my search history and I don’t want to get into trouble I wanted to report what I might have seen that could be bad but I don’t want to click on the question that may have been bad. Now I am searching if you see something that may be illegal on the internet can you get in trouble. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’ve never felt this much worry before. If it gets too much I may just go to the police and tell them everything. I’m not worried because I know I have nothing to hide I know it’s just my thoughts getting the better of me which is why I’m seeking professional help so I can live a peaceful life.

I am describing my condition I am in a state that I am calm that unwanted thoughts are there bother me a lot make me confused but I do not know what to do with it seems like I lost because before it was really difficult but also more real while now with it seems a farce or I am in a farce and I am causing it myself or I have created this myself and it is not ocd then I am stupid or it is ocd but one thing I know for sure that men do not attract me and that I do not want to be with them but in the mind it is the opposite I have lost interest in girls or anything sexual I know I want to be with girls to make love with them to have a wife child but now I do not know who I am I am transformed so much that now I do not I know myself and above all I feel like in the future I will be with men and why I do not want to because I will not have success with women I am spiritually dead everything happened in 1 day between yesterday and today I hate myself that every thing is being repeated as it started at the beginning by a thought h umba mind now the desire to live I do not know what happens but I look at the girls and I do not feel anything the thoughts are less slandered are fewer than before it seems to me that I am becoming gay every day I am converting what is happening to me what I have fear is becoming a reality I know that one day I will kill myself I do not know when

I'm separate from my long term partner for over two years now. He didn't treat me very well and leaving him had been the right thing to do. I wasn't sad about it in the last year, only disappointed in him for neglecting me for years and not having the guts to end it himself. In March I had a health crises and as he is an MD, I reached out after about a year of no contact. He helped me, which I'm grateful for, but since I saw him again, I think about him every day. I am certain, I don't love him any more, but the - Why did you treat me like that? - Why did you search and find someone new so quickly? Why did you marry her not even two years after we split up? Why are you happy now and I'm a lonely wreck, when I left you so I can become happy? I posted it her before, when we saw each other again, he confirmed that me suffering from OCD ruined our relationship and now I feel reluctant to meet people, it is one thing to be cut out for being oneself, but another for being cut out due to an illness oneself hates and struggles with. If this obsessing about it, thoughts about him popping up in my head constantly, is OCD, how can I get over it? I do pick up on the thoughts and I also cry a lot due to them. ERP doesn't mean pushing thoughts away, but engaging in them and going down the rabbit hole many times a day for weeks now didn't make them pop up less frequently either. Any tips, or ideas?

I’ve been questioning myself like crazy lately. I think I’ve fallen in love with my best friend. I have been battling with my sexuality for a while now. I thought I was gay but her I am head over heels for a woman. I don’t know what to make of this feeling. She’s made countless remarks about us being together. There’s certain people that she loves to tease by holding my hand and acting like she’s with me. Yet she says she has no sexual interest in me. Yet she gives signs all the time that she’s interested in me. But I am wondering if, because of OCD and overthinking, have I blown this way out of by proportion and making it something it’s not? She’s said time and time again how she’d be with me if I had blue eyes. I don’t know what to think.

Does anyone ever wonder if they ever emotionally cheated ? Sometimes I feel like I have In the beginning of the relationship but I’m not too sure or maybe I just in denial and don’t want to admit it . I’ve told my partner about this awhile back . He didn’t know emotionally cheating was a thing and he doesn’t believe in it and told me to let it go so I guess I should let it go . I would say why I question if I emotionally cheated but that’s extra stuff to type . whenever I’m around other males I get feeling like I want them and they feel so real . I honestly don’t truly know what emotionally cheating is but I have a guess and I’m scared to look it up . I guess I’ll say why I feel the way I do . So there was this twitch streamer I had a on and off crush on . I started watching him when I was 18 and his was like 25 . And lived in a different state . It was a unrealistic crush now that a look back at it bc I wouldn’t never happened but I still had a crush on him. When me and my boyfriend first started dating . We were playing a game online and I decided to stream bc I sometimes like to stream and I was looking for that person I used to have a crush on to join the stream and say hi . I sometimes wonder did I still have a crush on him . Was I emotionally cheating . Again, I’ve told my boyfriend all about this . He felt some type of way bc he didn’t know but he didn’t think it was a big deal . But my boyfriend does have cheating ocd . But it’s the type of cheating ocd where he thinks I’m cheating. But it’s like physical type of cheat .Ike when he’s away at work that’s when his thoughts get bad . Bc he thinks I’m sleeping with someone . I never had sex with anyone ever besides him . When he talks to me about his cheating ocd it triggers mine lol. I guess I should let all this go idk.

I feel bad I’m at prom and Apple bottom jeans started playing, and my friend turned around when it’s said “give that big booty a slap” and I slapped her butt. She seemed a bit shocked. I profusely apologized after but I feel so so bad, even though she said it’s ok. I feel like everyone hates me now

How do I get rid of bad habits. I often bite my gums and it’s painful but I can’t stop. This usually occurs when I’m stressed and have a lot of intrusive thoughts.

Do you also find "proofs" everytime you try to remember your past? I had hocd for the first time when i was 9 years old because I watched a movie and it triggered me, but then it went away but sometimes while I was a teenager I got intrusive thoughts and things like that, I was scared everytime I found a woman beautiful, I was scared to look my friend naked because I was scared to discover that I liked their body or for example when my friend gave me a makeover I felt anxious and weird because they were too close and I was scared... I always had these thoughts, but they weren't so intense! Now I'm scared it means I was questioning myself, that I was just in denial, but I crearly remember that I had HOCD when I was a child. But also why I was so scared if it wasn't true?

Has anyone here ever had an OCD about closing your eyes and noticing that it’s black and not be able to unnotice it? I never had ocd I was aware of until 4.5 months ago when I had a baby. It all stemmed from postpartum anxiety and then sleep deprivation which turned into thinking I’d never sleep normal again on my own. The ocd has been so bad I convinced myself I can’t rest, can’t nap- one day I started to notice it was black and I felt wide awake in my mind and from then on I’ve been noticing it. It’s extremely hard to do ERP for this since we close our eyes ALL day. I feel like I’m stuck with this forever :( I also developed a somatic ocd about noticing myself falling asleep- my breathing, sensation of falling into sleep, forcing it…etc

I just had my first apt with my therapist. This came on very suddenly, almost overnight, for me and it’s causing me so much distress. I have been reading and I know that the brain sends thoughts the more you try to resist them. But I’m scared. I’m 46 and I never knew I had OCD tendencies and this literally happened overnight and now the harm thoughts are constant, all day, every day, and I feel like I’m going crazy. My life has been turned upside down. Does anyone else have the harm thoughts that are constant and involve many things/people?

my head is literally creating all of my issues out of sex because obviously orientation is based off of sex. However, I’ve always chosen my partners based off of connection and comfort and Im attracted to men. I’ve realistically never looked at anyone and was like “yea I’d do it with them” it’s usually more based off of personality. Now with all of these issues in my head it’s telling me I’m sexually attracted to women only and that I could do it with literally any girl and every time a pretty girl sits near me the anxiety kicks in and it’s like “oh you could do all of this with her” etc etc. and IDK HOW TO ACT CALM ITS SO AWKWARD AND NERVE WRACKING because I also don’t think about sex THAT OFTEN but my mind has been porn nonstop. Then my mind was telling me “I’ve never been sexually attracted to men cuz they’re gross etc” also since sexual images are replaying In my head 24/7 I’m so desensitized to it all. And the false feelings and attractions make this soooo much worst. I know I just posted but I wanted to kind of share this issue because my theme went from very common “oh you think she’s pretty” to full fledge you’d have sex with her and her and her. It’s the scariest thing cuz it feels real it feels like I want it. It’s like my heart won’t stop pounding and i want to cry every second. It’s making it harder and harder to go out in public when every female who walks by becomes a sexual target I can’ttttt this is so overwhelming. I just want a happy relationship with a guy but it’s starting to feel like that’s just a far dream and it can’t happen. It also feels like this is just some realization stuff but I’m like ugh no 💀it’s all so convincing my head has convinced me that this is all true but the only reason why I can’t seem to accept it is cuz I just want a man as my partner. It’s as if my body wants a girl and my soul wants a boy I can’t explain it

a lot of the time i feel like i don’t have OCD because the way i act is a bit strange . just wanted to share this here to see if i’m not the only one who thinks like this, but i have a fixation over certain numbers and dates in the calendar, eg 31st december, 1st january, (mainly the first of each month, especially when it starts on a monday, the better it is) and i will plan out the “perfect” life i will have starting from that day onwards. before that day eg 1st june, i will be lazy, unproductive, u get the idea. i will still act in certain compulsions such as doing acts in the order of 3, or re-saying texts , being overwhelmed objects in my room being unorganised , and more.. but it intensifies once it’s the day of the perfect routine so i will wake up on the 1st of june, i will wake up at exactly 8:00 (if i wake up before 8 then my routine is ruined— i’ll get to that soon) say my religious sayings, go to the toilet, say another religious saying (i say a lot of religious things during these perfect routines), wash my hands in 3, (it’s my safe number) from left to right for 10 seconds, and then i’ll brush my teeth for around 3 mins. during those 3 minutes i will get random thoughts like a song in my head or just something random but not necessarily intrusive. i will then feel overwhelmed as i have a desire to be in control of my own thoughts, dictating them. “it’s an unnecessary thought, why am i thinking that. it’s not perfect or idyllic”. and i will try to forget about it, and move on but the feeling of anxiety is still there and intensifies as more and more things don’t go my way. i will avoid going to certain things that will trigger the perfect routine, such as skipping class because my social anxiety will make my actions unpredictable and imperfect according to my routine. once i start to get extremely overwhelmed at how imperfect everything has gone, i will give up and resort to my imperfect life. becoming lazy unproductive and extremely wasteful, until the next opportunity to have a perfect day rises (e.g 1st july) a few months ago i was able to withhold these perfect routines for a few hours, but now it’s not possible. yesterday i was going to have a perfect routine as it was the first of june, but i woke up at 7:00, and breathed “incorrectly”, therefore my day was ruined before it had properly started. when my day is ruined i will be extremely unproductive and just nasty honestly.. i don’t know how to word it. wasting my life because of this weird mindset. i know this is long but i just really needed to release this. it’s so overwhelming and isolating. i feel like i don’t have OCD because once my day isn’t perfect anymore, i resort to a non perfect life for about a week or even a month. living like a pile of human waste. it’s just.. confusing. and sad in a way i basically want to live like somebody that i’m not. i can be productive and not be obsessed with the idea of perfection and overwhelming myself. but it’s just not possible for me. no matter how many times i’ve tried. i’m either perfect or the complete opposite. i can’t be in the middle or try anything anymore. i become extremely self critical and my possible OCD intensifies even more during these perfect routines.

I have ejaculated to the same gender once and it was not great. That was 6 months ago and now it feels even stronger and it makes me think that i am gay and it scares me so much. Back then i truthfully believed that i am straight but my mind kept saying the oposite, but now, it makes me think that i actually enjoy being gay but in reality, i hate it. I sometimes even try truly accepting that i'm gay but then regret it afterwards because it doesnt make me happy at all so maybe i aint gay or maybe this and that. Have ya'll done the same thing as well?

I have pushed my friends away and they absolutely won’t talk to me anymore even my best friend because I was hurting I reflected that pain and took it out on them and now I feel so incredibly guilty. Unfortunately I work with them so it’s much harder because I have to see them every day but within the next few weeks I’m going to try and find something else because I feel like I should stay away. Im just really beating myself up today. I have my flaws and I make mistakes as everyone does but I feel like I can’t get back up this time. Maybe hate is a strong word but I don’t think they want anything to do with me anymore and it’s all my fault. I even tried talking to one of them and they snapped at me. So I’m stuck at work feeling awful and I can’t leave

ughhh every time i see a really nice looking little boy by anxiety goes mad and i feel like i’m attracted to them i’ve had this for 2 years now i am actually fed up when will this all stop😞 i went out last night and it ruined my whole night as my brain was going ‘your a p3do’ all night in my head and makes me think it isn’t eve ocd anymore and i am just a p and i really can’t cope anymore, i know about false attraction and all this but when will there be a day when i stop having these fake attractions or whatever to children? i don’t even get sexual thoughts or anything anymore it’s literally just me feeling like i’m attracted to some children😞😞 i want my old life and self back:((

Hi. This isn't me asking for reassurance, I don't have obsessions that are about me being abused and whatnot, I'm just looking for a second opinion because for some reason the friendship between me and my friend doesn't seem to be working ever. I have a friend I've known for a couple years, and in the past 1/2 years we've both been dealing with really bad mental health, I think I developed ocd, and they think they have a personality disorder. In Jan 2021, after we both had a terrible flare up of our suspected disorders, they texted that they felt so alone and uncared for in our friendship group, and that no one cares. Arguably I was ruminating for 8/9 hours a day, and payed little attention to them the first few weeks they were displaying bad mental health. I started to text them quite worried, maybe once a day for a couple days? Then they sent me the paragraph. We made up, but that theme of them thinking no on cares, or feels unloved keeps happening and I feel like I'm a terrible friend. I have bad anxiety, and obsessions about being "self centered" around them, or ablelist, or immortal etc. My anxiety has kinda led to me neglecting them? I don't text them often, and only really speak to them in real life; I check up infrequently; and sometimes they sit down at lunch and don't speak while the rest of the group do, and I don't talk to them when they do that, I just freeze and physically can't. Because I have nothing to talk about? It'll be boring, or they'll just snap at me, or they're doing it because they're mad at me, or they won't reply. I feel like it won't help, and they've continuously said they feel uncared for, and we've talked about it, but it keeps happening because of my anxiety. They feel like everything they do is wrong, and I feel guilty. They liked this post that talks about "breadcruming"? About three years ago, at the beginning of our friendship, they "bullied" me for about a year. It was basically non-stop teasing about whatever joke I made about myself, and my supposed gayness, or literally anything. Apparently it was them taking out their own problems onto me. They half forced me to come out, and gave me crappy self esteem issues that led me to self-harm. I think a part of our problem, is they keep reminding me of what they used to do. There always seems to be little issues why are there petty arguments constantly? I confronted them about a thing they purposely say to piss me off, and they ignored it. They go from two extremes, and I understand that they can't take confrontation. But because they don't respond, I bottle it up and snap. I said, "well maybe I'm always mad at you I just don't say it." Which is extremely triggering for them and I regret it so much. They blocked me twice, for a few days and then a week, and don't speak to me at school. I can't deal with blocking, my anxiety is horrible, we're in the middle of doing our gsces, my OCD is bad, so I messaged them on this other app basically telling them to talk to me cause I can't handle it. They explained I make them feel high maintenance, once they said something out of the blue that was overwhelming to deal with right before a math test, and I was too caught up on that that I forgot to text them to check up on the about it? That was awful to do, and I'm glad they mentioned it to me. I kept telling them not to trauma dump, and didn't talk to them about that they had trauma dumped about? I do care about them, and I meant it in no horrible way, and I'll stop. A few years ago, after they guilttripped me into telling them my crush, they literally told my crush and this other girl about it. Whom told apparently her whole friendship group. One girl slipped, and everyone kept it a secret about which one of my two friends it was that slipped. I never figured it out, cause they lied to me. They told me a year ago that my actual crush knowed, so I've been having to deal with the second wave of anxiety with being around her. I'm a lesbian, and I feel like I'm a fucking predator because of it? Anyway the point was they're upset at me for making them feel guilty, they argued that it happened when we were young, and I did things to upset them yet they don't mention it. It just feels like I am always the problem, how did I become the problem in this situation? I don't even mention it a lot, I don't think?? And now I can't mention any of the behaviours they're doing that upset me, since I'm bringing up the past, and I end up being the dick for snapping. I did mention it, so I stop snapping and upsetting them, and they didn't reply to the text. At the end of the long text they sent, they said they didn't want to say this and they don't want to get their feelings hurt by me saying, "they did worse," or "that didnt happen," and that. I felt weirdly suffocated and I couldn't respond in a way that that wasn't sorry. I don't know if this is true or not? But everyone else is always the asshole, it's never them?? Are they manipulative, even accidentally?? Or is everyone actually an asshole. Am I an asshole in making them feel uncared for? Can someone please respond or talk in DMS if that's a thing on this app, I really need a second opinion.

Anyone else scared of developing schizophrenia or DID? Hoping I’m not alone.