Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Can rocd make you feel disgust with your partner for no reason? Or like an uneasy feeling?

I (30 M) have always been a chronic people pleaser, but it’s only been till recently when I have let me shame go and talked openly about why. I have always had intrusive thoughts about being “cursed” probably since I was in 5th grade or so I have been terrified at the idea that someone has cursed me with bad luck and that the rest of my life will be full of misfortune. People used to tease me and d say they cursed me just to make me upset. I would be able to deal with the intrusive thoughts for awhile but whenever something in my life would go wrong I would start blaming it on being “cursed”. As I’ve grown older this has manifested in a particularly stressful way, people pleasing. I will have intense intrusive thoughts whenever I disappoint or upset someone that they are cursing me or causing me misfortune. Because of this I have had almost zero boundaries, being completely open to everyone because I just don’t want to upset anyone, and when I do pull away for my own peace, it seems like I’m being selfish, upsetting people and triggering those thoughts. I have come a long way with my OCD but this one is really really intense. My life is in a good place, I have a lot of peace, but these thoughts still derail a lot of my thinking and I stay very scared to upset anyone. I want to get past this, I know deep down that no one is cursing me, but it’s an intrusive thought I have not been able to shake and the distress has hurt personal and professional parts of my life before. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Hi all, this is my first post on NOCD! It’s long, but Im seeking some guidance 😅 I’m writing this because I think I’m struggling with relationship OCD. I’ve questioned in the past if I fall under certain umbrellas of OCD, and have concluded more recently that I definitely do (not to self diagnose, but I find that putting a meaning behind my thoughts DO help me deal with them) Lately, after being with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and living together for a year, I’ve developed this intense anxiety around our relationship. Sometimes the anxiety lasts for a week and sometimes it lasts for a couple of days, and then it goes away for a few weeks. But the anxious thoughts overall have been going on for a couple of months. My boyfriend is…. Absolutely wonderful to say the least. Loves me exactly how I would want and need someone to love me, knows me so well, is caring, understanding, just a pure and beautiful soul. Faithful, loyal, etc. I love him with all of my heart and logically, can’t imagine my life without him. We’ve discussed marriage and kids and I know that those things are in the future for us (unless something happens that causes it to not) I feel confident that he’s my person. However, when the ROCD started, it came out of nowhere. Pretty much, I found someone else attractive 2 months ago and my brain has stuck on that and tricked me into believing that I can’t possibly be in love and happy in my relationship if i felt attracted to someone else. The attraction to said person hasn’t come in a month or so (tbh i think it was more of a “i like this validation”feeling than true attraction) but there were a couple times that i felt that way and INSTANTLY felt like the worst girlfriend ever after. The guilt, I think, triggered the ROCD. So now, every couple of weeks or so, i feel this feeling of “am i in love with this person, is he THE one, if I’m not obsessed with my partner am I even in love, if I’m not in the mood to be intimate right now am I attracted to him” etc. then I start hyperfocusing on flaws of his that otherwise wouldn’t bother me at all. Im not even sure what triggers the anxiety. We hardly fight, we’re open in communicating our feelings, and we don’t have any pressing issues to make him not a “right fit” for me. We have a solid relationship and I wouldn’t change anything about our dynamic. But sometimes my ROCD makes me question EVERYTHING. What I HAVE thought about and concluded are these things: I think the idea of marriage terrifies me because of the marriage my parents had. They weren’t in love, fought a lot, got married because they had kids, etc. So naturally, I think I have a fear of becoming “complacent” and “falling out of love” with someone i want to be with long term. So, logically, maybe those feelings of non-attraction is actually comfortability. Maybe I’m not obsessing over him because I’m SAFE with him and it’s SECURE, so I don’t have to do that anymore. Maybe if I’m not feeling intimate, it doesn’t make me a bad girlfriend, or that I’m not in love, maybe we’ve just been living together for a while and are comfortable. But when the anxiety starts; it’s hard to differentiate that. Sorry for the brain dump, but this has all been piling up. I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else about this because it brings me shame and guilt. I don’t talk about it to my boyfriend in fear that he’ll think I’m not happy with him and wanna leave me. It’s a mess in my brain right now because I’m isolating my emotions, guilt, fears, and not sharing them with anyone. Which is why, I’m asking you guys for advice, reassurance, exercises, or anything to make me feel a bit less anxious. Thanks for reading friends <3

i have been struggling recently with the feeling and thought that its all just hopeless, that i will forever be in this state. When i hear people saying things i have previously believed, i just dont believe it anymore, i feel like i know everything about the brain and how it all works, and i am tired of trying things that i do not believe in. i dont know, im just do freaking tired of feeling like i know how my own brain works its honestly so disgusting i dont like losing hope and just falling into this pit of darkness and hopelessness, i just want to believe in something and trust something, but ive just found that nothing seems like something i can believe or trust in, and thats just so freaking scary and again gives me less hope

Almost everywhere I go, I’ve become convinced that random strangers are judging me. It’s gotten really bad - it’s like I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings. I feel like they think I’m a try-hard or a loser. It really is getting to me. What OCD responses can I use for this? My brain just goes haywire, and I don’t even know how to respond to my thoughts with ERP

I have extreme ROCD and I get so nervous meeting my boyfriends friends I’m case they are attractive because then my mind spirals and has the worst thoughts about them or intrusive thoughts that I’m like in love with them or something which makes me feel intense guilt and shame because I love my boyfriend so so much and it’s like why can’t I just get on with his friends without having weird thoughts and comparing them to him etc. it’s actually horrific and then I end up confessing the thoughts to him and it’s a constant cycle he probably thinks the thoughts are true which makes it even worse :)

Hi, this is my first time posting. I have been dealing with OCD since I was about 10 years old. It has been almost 2 decades that I have had OCD. I for the most part am able to keep my OCD at bay and it does not bother me. In the past, I used to have very long OCD cycles that would take 6 months to a year to overcome. As I age, my obsessions change. Originally I was obsessed with accidents happening, then sexual orientation OCD when in high school and college, then relationship OCD as I was getting married. My OCD obsessions shift as I go through life to attach itself to something important to me at that time. As I think about having children with my spouse, POCD has been bothering me. Although I know my other OCD obsessions were just as terribly intrusive for me in the past, this one is just another level of horrible. I am already starting to feel better after practicing ERP on my own for 3 weeks. I feel like I am coming down the hump of OCD and just dealing with a few blips at the end before it hides away for a few years and then comes back out either with a new obsession or recycling an old one. For those who have had OCD for a long time like me, and for those with it for even longer and who consider themselves ok at treating themselves as it pops up, does it keep cycling forever? I read that it never goes away really but I am healthy enough to pull myself out of it when an obsession cycle comes. I am not particularly saddened by this as I had made peace with the fact that I have OCD and that it is a lifelong condition, but just wanted to hear from those that have had it for a long time. I think I am just looking for encouragement right now as I continue to disarm my OCD once again.

The other exception: If you purchase things that say “Obsessive Cleaning/Christmas/Chocolate Disorder” It’s the mental health stigma & “Live Laugh Love” vibes combo that does it for me.

Advice appreciated

"heavenly father my Lord and Savior I'm sorry" I'm F 22 I couple days ago I got back from the pschy ward, it was good I learn a lot expectfuly how to learn to relax, but due to my OCD they'll always make me worried about that I did the unforgivable sin, I been worried expectfuly hugging the bible holding the cross for hours, and even putting holy water everytime my thoughts gets worse, to the point I also did self harm thinking God will forgive me if I do that, but it cause having marks, and my family was upset, so I stopped doing it until the mental breakdowns happen. I kept having them everyday, even thinking what I did, I felt like I was filthy, curse cause thru out years before my OCD got worse I thought I was a curse , or something, and hugging the bible, putting holy water, anything will help me relax, I am a Christian person, and I know I have religious OCD but the fact it's getting worse is scaring me everyday, cause a lot of people told me don't search up stuffs, make it worse, and it did, I been afraid of my mind, eyes, throat, mouth, and even my heart, the OCD got so bad that I started self harm again, I couldn't hid it anymore from my ma and step dad so I showed them, they weren't happy and I was having a panic attack, so my ma had enough and send me to a psych ward, at first I was fine, cause I felt safe, but then it got worse again, everytime I thought something went to my throat expectfuly bad ones I freaked out and I started to say "Heavenly Father, my Lord and savior, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" then biting happen, I was put to watch. When I got to the pschy ward, I cried, I cried thinking it's the end, but a couple of people have been supporting me, helping me with, I even got back doing that I love, and much more, but then something happen at art, I thought I did the unforgivable sin I freaked out, and said "Heavenly Father my Lord and savior, I'm sorry" many times then having a mental break down after leaving class, I started hitting myself, bitting scratching, even harming again, but the nurses found me and bandage me up, I was so upset, I cried and cried, my roommate was even worried about me, but I got better again, when I got home everything was fine, until I woke up having a anxiety attack at 1am I freaked out cause of the thoughts and it got so bad I put holy water, and other stuffs on me again, then thru out yesterday, it wasn't good, people didn't do what they promise me in the pschy ward, it cause my mom stress and anxiety, I freaked out a couple times that I needed the medication that was only use for thoughts and anxiety I was having anxiety but a little bit of thoughts, I kept saying the words every minute, ever second, every hour, my little brother who i care about he got angry what I was doing, and he kept telling me I was fine, and my mom was tired of it and kept telling me I'm ok, it kept getting worse, I did drawing, worked alittle bit, singing, anything, but it always comes back, then today I at an anxiety attack at 1am I kept saying what I usually said, 3am, having anxiety attack again, 4:50am another one, I was exhausted, I was so tired, I kept talking saying sorry to my Lord and savior, then I said something that I don't remember, at the point I was freaking out again kept saying I'm sorry to my Lord, I even prayed saying sorry to my Lord, idk what to do, I have a lot of stuffs to do today, even hanging out with a bff that is a atheist, which I respect and love, I love my Lord and savior, I welcome the holy spirit, I just don't know what to do, I even kept saying I was typing this down, I felt like this since June 5 I think, so almost a month, I feel like I have to do things or punish myself to make God forgive me but I just want the anxiety and worries to go away, that's all I want, I am getting therapy and joining a program soon, I'm just scared idk what to do, I know finding answers on here dosnt help but I just want the anxiety to go away, I even started taking medication, and it's been working for a while but still giving me anxiety, idk what to do.

My brain won’t let me rest, won’t let me enjoy my relationship and won’t let me put the past behind me, constantly I’m trying to stop my brain from thinking that I have to tell my partner every single detail that’s every happened in my life, every mistake, every single time I felt I messed up, every thought and feeling, it’s absolute torture. I’ve done some stupid stuff in my past, things that if I could take them back I would, but I don’t want the past me to destroy anything I have growing in my future. He has changed me for the better, made me happy and realise that I can enjoy my life. I fell down a hole that I couldn’t get out of last year, so much went wrong in my life that I honestly started to not care about anyone or anything. My entire life was just who gives a shit I’ll do what I want for a long period of time. Nobody seemed to care about me so I stoped caring about others which was so bad but he dragged me out of that. But now I’m scared he’s gonna leave me because of mistakes I’ve made in my past, because of stupid stuff I’ve done. I love him so much and loosing him would end me once and for all. The mistake I made was disgusting, one I never thought I’d ever do In my entire life and one I never ever wanna be apart of again. I got very drunk, the most drunk I’ve been in a very very long time and this guy I knew ended up saying to my friends he’d take me home (he was driving so how much alcohol he consumed I can only imagine was definitely not as much as me) we ended up taking this other guy home who I’d met that night and actually is now the guy I’m seeing (this is why my brain is obsessing) once we dropped him off things went wrong from there. I’m not sure who made the first move as everything is a bit blurry but we ended up having sex in his car. I should never have been left alone with the amount of alcohol running though me, but I was. Sober me would’ve said no in a heartbeat, but drunk depressed me was selfish and only thought of one thing. I’d recently lost my Nan and the guy I thought I loved (he left me for his female best friend) and I thought ever since then that nobody cared for me that I was unlovable and I realised people leave your life so fast. So I saw the attention and I loved it. But drunk me didn’t take into consideration this guy was in a relationship, that didn’t matter and I’m sat here today hating myself more than I ever thought I possible could. After that night I message his girlfriend and told her everything, I apologised beyond comprehension and she forgave me, even wished me a happy new year. But now it’s stuck with me, the guy I’m in love with I met that night and I want to forget that what I did ever happened, but I can’t. I’ve told him that I’ve done some bad things that I’m not proud of and he’s said “I’m not here for your past, I’m here for your present and future. Everyone makes mistakes it’s how you grow and learn from them, don’t hurt yourself with them” which means a lot but I can’t seem to forgive myself. I’m stuck in this horrible way of thinking, that if he finds out he’ll leave me. I just want to leave it in the past but every so often it pops back up to haunt me. I don’t know what to do.

I literally keep getting sent to the er because of this , my mom was gonna take me and my siblings to the park and I didn’t wanna get out the car until I check my surroundings “to make sure there was nothing dangerous on the ground “ so I was doing that LIKE ALWAYS and I saw something that looked like a tablet pill .. and I don’t even know if it was a pill I just assumed because it looked like it .. and I just kept staring at it because of how triggered I was by it ..I was scared .. and I turned away trying to distract myself from it because it has nothing to do with me I turn away and when I look back I don’t see that “little tablet “ thing on the ground (mind you I was in the car looking at it I never got out the car “ STILL I WAS CONVINCED I TOOK IT and I literally called 911 I was so convinced I was dying .. how can I stop this I’m always trying to make sure nothing dangerous is on the ground before I get out of cars , Also how can I stop convincing myself I’m taking things even when I have no desire to do that .. it just seems so convincing and real 😞

Cause for some the problem is that they react to the trigger with anxiety and they have to learn to not react with that, cause the anxiety makes the obsession, but then theres the other exemple when the anxiety is a normal response and it shows that you dont like that thing or its not in your value system, so the anxiety is actually a helping sign. And you deal with both differently. And trying to figure out which one you currently experiencing is a trap, cause it can become a compulsion of figuring it out. Im thinking about this since I spoke with my friend about my ocd and some of my harm thoughts and she said she has those too but she accept it like a part of the human, cause she view it like deep inside poeple are like animals and if you lose control then we can behave like them. So the anxiety is actually showing me that i realize its bad, but the thoughts are still me,i should try to disregard cause thats trying to push it away, i should accept that we are like this, everyone has these we just have to control it. Well i accepted her opinion but for me this is a very distorted view of us, i dont think these harm thoughts have to do anything with our nature or that deeply we are like animals... in that sense ocd is actually good and i shouldnt recover from it...

So currently I’m dealing with a a false memory basically telling me that when I was younger I SAd a sibling. I’m like 98.99% sure that this is a false memory because. A) Weeks prior I witnessed a class presentation about the making a serial killers and a specific example for sexual abuse came up, and of course this “memory” is that specific example. To add onto this for the weeks leading up to the false memory my brain was doing the usual song and dance of “what if you did that?” B) When I had the “memory” I had smoked weed prior which can sometimes make my anxiety, paranoia, and shame spirals so much worse. Still my brain will not drop it. What’s been happening is that when I think about it I’ve developed a numbness and tingling in my right hand. Which I’ve now attributed to a sign of guilt when I know logically for a fact it’s just because this is distressing me. I’ll admit I also made it a little bit worse for myself by recently reading a lot of books about trauma and traumatic experiences. Not that this was bad or that I regret doing it, it’s just that currently I’m in a mental state where my biggest core fear is that I’m an/was an abuser or sexual predator. So I couldn’t even really learn from the book. I was just having these constant intrusive thoughts and images of “what if you did this? You’re getting so anxious you must be guilty” then it leads to thoughts like “You’re a monster. You don’t deserve to have a fulfilling life You should unalive.” Note I’m not at risk of hurting myself I’m just trying to explain my thoughts. I got so worked up that I did end up getting actually painful sensations all up and down my r right arm. Which I know doesn’t mean anything, yet my brain is trying to assign so much needless worth to it and the more I think about it the worse it gets yet I can’t stop. I just want my brain to shut down and be normal already. I don’t understand why it’s constantly trying to convince me I’m just this monstrous human being when I know deep down in my heart and gut that I’m not. I’m not perfect by any means and I’ve made mistakes like all of human kind. But I know deep down in my gut and heart that I didn’t do what my brain is trying to convince me, yet it’s still winning. I’m tired.

Today we (me and my partner) were talking about how our parents had influenced our emotional state and I mentioned that once in 1st grade I exaggerated a bullying experience just so my mom would hold me instead of yell at me for crying. Which yeah I feel bad about and still get embarrassed over when I remember it. I’m embarrassed over a lot of my childhood actions and behaviors 😭 My partner said “I’m glad you were held and you got what you needed, your little self shouldn’t of lied though but I’m glad you were held!” And it made me spiral 😭 I felt hurt for some reason but I wasn’t mad at him and I’m not mad at him at all, he holds me accountable but still comforts me nonetheless but my intrusive thoughts ran with it and now is making me question if I’m a narcissist again. Saying things like “why do you feel bad that he said you shouldn’t of lied?? Are you a narcissist?? Cant you take accountability?? What’s wrong with you that it’s making you feel sad?? It’s his fault you know. You never judge him or say stuff like that why should he judge you??” Even though I know it’s not his fault at all and he didn’t do anything wrong. All of these thoughts are stressing me out and now I’m avoiding him because I’m worried that I’m a narcissist again 😭 does anyone have any tips??

i was watching this movie yesterday that involved lots of violence. while i was getting ready for bed, the thought that i might kill my boyfriend while sleeping made me sick to my stomach. i cried so much and felt so so horrible. i havent been able to sleep and am so scared to do so. google has not been helpful, saying that its likely to happen. someone please help me. i feel like i wont be able to sleep anymore.

I saw a lump my cats head like a month ago. My ocd catastrophized the situation, and I convinced myself it was cancer before I even brought my cat to the vet. So I ended up bringing him to the vet, and they did a biopsy of the lump and 2 weeks had passed, and I convinced myself not to assume the worst. I told the vet to call my girlfriend because i was going to be at work all week, and i work 12 hours. So the vet finally calls on my girlfriends birthday. They told her my cat had sarcoma and it's aggressive. She came to my job crying, and it felt like a nightmare. We're totally devastated by this development, and I'm not really sure what to do. I convinced myself things would be ok because my whole family was telling me I was jumping to conclusions. It ended up being the worst-case scenario. My girlfriend and I are a young couple. we haven't been on our own very long, and we adopted this cat when I was at a very low point. He quickly became family he is so sweet and highly affectionate, and he's like our little baby. I have to face the fact that not only is he going to pass, but I'm going to have to put him down. What a nightmare

Looking back at it, I just wish I hadn't done what I did and just followed my usual mind. I wish I would've just done it the way I always do. I just can't stop shaming myself so much for this. I'm feeling so much anxiety to the point where I feel like I'm just checking out for the day. I read that there's people that urinate in places other than the toilet. They do it in the sink, the tub, or outside and a few days ago, I had the idea of doing it in the sink because I thought it'd be more convenient but now I can't stop beating myself up over it time and time again. Even though other people do it and I wouldn't have a problem with it as much as I do for myself. I spent that entire day cleaning the sink and the bathroom and everything in it. I regret doing that and I would never do it again. I thought it wouldn't bother me because I've done it in the past but I feel horrible about it. Apart of this is OCD strengthening these feelings but I do regret this and wouldn't do it again.

I definitely don’t recommend watching videos of people having sex, as I try doing exposures and end up doing compulsions instead. My OCD is theme around not being attracted to people of the other sex, I used to be afraid of liking men a few years ago but now it changed to not liking women. I’m scared of not being turned on by women and about being in denial all along . I want to find a better way of doing exposures without watching porn or sex

Hey guys, For the past 6 months I have been in an OCD cycle about something bad is going to happen to me like going to prison. I feel like someone is going to report me and im going to have to face the consequences. I have had false thoughts that feel real on doing something to harm someone mentally like sending their nudes to other people and them uploading it online (including kids) as well as thoughts on texting under age girls not over 18. This all started in January when I texted someone I knew in high school on snapchat. I was single and wanted to have a conversation with her. She verbally attacked me, saying that I basically harassed her and stalked her when we were in high school. Keep in mind I have never talked to her in person, it was only over texting. I was 16 at the time so I didn’t know better. I always feel like I am going to face a consequence or feel like I should for some reason. So, this triggered me into ruminating thoughts. There are times where I feel like im a failure, scared of what I believe is going to happen, crying for an hour, can’t listen to certain songs, can’t go to certain places, I can’t go on social media, and can’t sign documents. Also there are feelings that I have on the police encrypting my devices like my phone, Xbox, or even my television where I have YouTube on it. There are even times where I have bad thoughts on looking at women in a lustful way, including younger girls. I recently learned I have OCD and just starting therapy here. Has anyone had the fear of going to prison and is there any ERP strategies that you guys recommend relating to my issues? Keep strong guys and thank you!