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Having a lot of guilt because when I was I think 19 I was trying to stop watching porn and I was just reading fanfiction and a couple of time I went to google and looked up “hentai gif” I never ever looked up underage characters and looked specifically for characters I thought looked younger. I’ve never ever been interested in cp and the idea of that scares me and makes me so upset. I cannot express enough how much I don’t want anything to do with harming children, it hurts to think about. But I have a memory of clicking on a gif where I think the characters were on a school desk and I have so much guilt because I don’t understand how I could have looked at that. I couldn’t see the characters faces or anything but I’m 99% sure they were on a school desk and I’m disgusted and so confused and I can’t understand why I would have clicked on that. I never went looking for underage characters, I never thought to myself that I’m looking for characters that look underage, but I’m so scared about this. I don’t know why I didn’t specifically type 18+ or why I looked in the google images at hentai gif anyway but I’m assuming I thought what I typed was safe. I’m 21 now and I don’t watch or read any kind of porn. I’m terrified of it and it’s literally ruined me. I have no desire to ever going back to watching it and I hope to God I’m not an evil person. But today I just am spiraling and I can’t stop worrying about this. I don’t understand how I could how done this and it’s dragging me back and making me believe I’m a p. I feel like a monster I don’t know what time do about it. I plan on telling a therapist when I’m able to get one but I feel gross that I did this and that I can’t do anything about it right now.

Does anyone have any success stories they feel comfortable sharing with their relationship? Once I fell ill and really spiraled - my 6 year relationship ended and that’s really challenged my belief of someone else loving me. I know Im more than my OCD and I have great qualities.. but I just don’t know that another human will ever feel this way.

I didn’t have any female desires before this. I was so happy with my bf and only wanted him. Now it truly feels like I’ve been lesbian all along though even though I don’t really feel like I’d be truly happy with a woman. I was just with my bf right now and I felt nothing. I tried to picture a life with him in the moment and I felt nothing, I look at him and feel nothing. but after that and watching him leave, I just started sobbing. My heart feels like it’s in my throat, my eyes won’t stop burning, I cant even breath right. Watching him leave felt like a goodbye. It really feels like I have to break up w him and tell him what’s going on and I don’t know what to do. I know I love him so much and before all this I had no doubts that he was my best friend and my partner and everything. The one person who truly felt like home and now even though I’m still not even sure if this is ocd or not, or if I’m gay or not I feel like I have to break up with him. I feel like I have to tell him. I feel so guilty that he’s with me and I’m feeling like this he deserves so much better.

I haven’t been on here in a while.. haven’t been feeding into compulsions. Kinda never felt the need to do them for the past few days. I was so numbed out for a couple of days. But I’m still so confused. Part of me feels like I’m just in denial and over my relationship the other half wants me to hold on and keep trying. It just feels different. And I feel like no matter how much I try to convince myself I can’t change my mind on how I feel. I think if we were to have a fight and if he wanted to throw the *break up line* out there, I’d be like “no I want to be together” then I get that switch in my brain that that’s a lie and that I’m in denial and just want to spare everyone’s feelings including mine. Why am I knit picking every single little thing? I wish I felt different. I wish I felt secure. I wish these thoughts about not wanting to be in this relationship weren’t a thing. But do I wish that because I feel bad? Or do I wish that because I genuinely don’t want to break up and it’s ocd? I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings. I can’t trust myself here. Why can’t I just let go of the thoughts and continue with my relationship? Does anyone on this app often feel like ocd is this mental illness that is very negative? Like when you think of something positive in a situation and there is this evil thing in your head that wants to make those positive thoughts negative? I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like every time I try to love my boyfriend and let go my body is like no and out of nowhere is scared to get close to him? Close to him by physically, mentally, EMOTIONALLY?? I try to trick myself into feeling like I used to but I can’t get out of this loop. I’m just scared that this is the truth. We’ve come so far. Why do I feel this way. It’s ruining my everyday life I’m tired of being in my head. I wish I was normal. I’ve been so depressed for like a month. I thought I knew depression before.. jeez I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on anyone. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake from. This is…. my life:/ I wish I was a normal girl. I see everyone in relationships and I’m like damn, she looks happy and like she had no doubts. I wish I could be like her. Ugh I feel so alone. Thank you to whoever took time to read this. I appreciate it.

I tried working on my emotions to not avoid it but im just feeling depressed more. It doesnt help... maybe i will never recover but atleast i feel good sometimes. This is really bad, i dont have energy to go to work cause i was all working with how i feel and now im stucked. The only thing it helps if i accept that i will be like this. Im not just talk about ocd. Many says ocd is caused bc of depression that is repressed, pushed away. And ocders cant deal with their emotions. This is me, i dont understand what to do. I tried it it brought back more problems. Im tired of this. Noone in my family is like this, im unable to live my life. How to accept that i just think that everything is bad right now. Not it doesnt help. It doesnt help to just accept that youre depressed and you feel like life sucks. It doesnt help. Im tired of this. How to accept all the shit emotions? Not all will be good for you. If i feel noone likes me, im alone, nothing helps, life is shit,these things will just hold you back, im tired of this. Im tired of everything. You cannot change this cause in ocd trying to change is compulsion. I try to not view my situation in a negative way and i add a positive side to it but thats lying and a compulsion to avoid the pain... then wtf i should do? What should i do? This is a compulsiom, if i stay im feeling worse and i just put myself to feel worse, im tired of this. Am i just have to be depressed? If thats the way to revovery why i dont recovered before? I was depressed and let myself feel that but all i did with that was that i sended myself to therapy and to take medicine cause everything became really bad. You hear all kinds of advices, one say dont focus on this avoid it, go live your life, be busy, others say being busy is a compulsion, you have to face your emotions, think about it why you feel that way, another person say thinking about and asking why you feel that way is bad, wtf i should do then? I do not accept that the way of recovery is to let myself feel depressed. Its not. It cant be. I did that and look where i am. Another thing people say is "you dont accept that its real, you just accept that you have it" and then i use this as a compulsion cause then i fight with it that its not real, im just feeling it then another man comes and say what you mean its not real youre feeling it. Its real... This shit is the worst thing in this life, no right path just dead ends everywhere, im here now for 5 years, last year i was soo good i thought im on the right path now im again unable to stand up... fck that...

Yeah ik if you read my posts I clearly exhibit behaviors of “POCD/OCD” all together but I don’t entirely believe it! Despite me really needing it to be! Yes, I’ve had a therapist tell me I have OCD. No I have not done any kind of ERP cause of my doubt of the diagnosis. One, let’s be honest, I have a porn addiction and these thoughts wouldn’t have gotten the way they got if I just let that be but every time I try to enjoy myself sexually, THERES THE THOUGHTS! I try to take some abstinence from it but then I go back to it cause i simply just want to, despite the thoughts then fall deeper into misery. Two, I never had ERP or actually doing the work in mind when I started therapy. I just wanted someone of expertise to tell me straight up that I have OCD so I could move on but DIDNT work. I’m a very impatient and miserable person so how could I really do the work when I just want it all to STOP for good and forget about it? Three, I know EVERYONE with OCD says this but I’m not a good person. I’m not a good friend, I’m not a good brother, or a good son. I’ve used guys for sex and never had the courage to actually MEET UP with them to actually do anything cause I’m that scared. Not to mention how much internalized homophobia I have. I’m selfish and only care about my own self interest. I could care less about everyone else’s problems cause how am I supposed to help? I’m literally convinced of being a fucking pedo and I likely am at this point. I’m sorry, I plan on talking to my therapist about all of this during the 4th session and hopefully she can help me understand better but I’m SO TIRED. All I wanna do is go to sleep and never wake up again this is FUCKED. My life feels like it’s over and what am I supposed to do when this feels so real? I don’t wanna do anything with myself except read, eat unhealthy food and sleep. I’m done and I’m sorry to everyone trying to help me when I can’t even help myself.

Hi! I'm Elle. I'm a writer with NOCD. I have OCD myself and as I research and interview clinicians for the articles I write, I am constantly learning new language for things I've experienced but didn't know words existed for. Let's talk about intrusive experiences!

Hello! I was wondering if people with religious or moral scrupulosity can relate to this! I identify as gay (I’ve known it since I was a preteen) and I grew up in a religiously conservative household and in a culture that does not accept the LGBT community. Growing up, I’ve made a lot of progress in accepting myself and learning to love myself for who I am despite the lack of acceptance and support from my cultural and family background. …however, it has obviously been a tough road. And recently, I think I’ve started developing scrupulosity around my sexuality. Basically, I wanted to rediscover my faith in a way that helped me, but it ended up just causing me a lot of distress because the LGBT are not exactly affirmed by the Catholic Church. And despite my best efforts, I feel like I’ve slid so far back into a pit of guilt, shame, and disgust with myself. I have so many intrusive thoughts that being LGBT is not natural, is not right, is something that can and should be changed or fixed, even when I know these to not be true. I’m curious to know if anyone else with religious or moral scrupulosity experiences similar feelings of guilt or shame about who they are. Not only do the intrusive thoughts themselves make me feel guilty, but I have intrusive thoughts that I AM bad and that I should feel shame and disgust about myself. I’m hesitant to post this not only because I don’t want to trigger others but also because I don’t want it to be reassurance seeking or a compulsion, but I do have doubt that this isnt just from my OCD and that I should be exploring other forms of therapy to deal with these problems.

curious—does OCD have to be something you are just born with or are there underlying causes which could either cause or worsen your case??

I have really bad self harm urges that honestly consume and debilitate me, does anyone else have this and have you found a solution to it? I don’t know if medication helps. If more therapy helps. Let me know if you have been through this and have found a solution. I would love to get back to normal life

Had enough, it’s just one worry after another other how do I stop the constant worry’s in my mind. I just want to be happy and free

My OCD has been stuck on my weight for a long time now. When I gained 25 pounds it became debilitating. I have a history of anorexia, and now 25 pounds heavier I’m actually healthier then I’ve ever been. I have a very active lifestyle, eat a lot of fruits and veggies. I ran a 10k a few weeks ago. But my BMI says overweight. My parents and family call me fat. Even strangers have insulted me for my weight. I know I’m strong and I’ve worked so hard to improve my relationship with my body and food. One week I’ll have a confident day, the next week I’m in a dark place of body dysmorphia feeling like I’ll never make peace with my body. And I feel so much shame. For wanting to change my amazing, healthy body. This body that allows me to dance and run and hug my loved ones and carry me through life. I am so scared of gaining weight. Sometimes it’s all I think about, that fear. Days like today, I don’t know if it’ll ever get better.

In my culture, nail clippings are associated with bad energy. I cut my nails and a few of them are stuck in the sink basin (the water isn't going down). I can't really fix this until Sunday, but now I'm scared to do any important action/thing I want because I'm scared the action will be contaminated with bad energy.

TW: harm ocd or existential ocd, if ur sensitive to triggers dont read i don’t wanna spread my theme it sucks :( obsessions saying that wrong things like murder aren’t wrong, just everyone is being told it’s wrong when it’s not? it scares me to death because there are a lot of other morally wrong things it latches to, i’m afraid of beginning to believe these things and becoming numb to these things, and then maybe like doing them? mostly the fear is losing my morality because of this. it scares me to death 😭 never seen anyone with this type of ocd. so anybody else? any advice? or personal experiences?

Hi I’m scared I flirt because sometimes when I’m around the opposite sex I’ll like get this weird feeling of excitement. I’ll like talk to them and part of me wants them to notice me and think I’m attractive. I’m not like 😏😏😏 to anyone but one time I’ve complimented someone’s art a few times over discord over a few different artworks. Part of me still wants to be noticed as attractive and desirable. I dunno. I don’t know if I need to confess this. I’m not like touching anyone or doing flirty poses or saying anything inappropriate but yeah.

I see most posts about just thoughts, but is there anyone out there suffering with real events? I know there is. I’m just feeling very alone today and would like to get encouragement from someone with the same theme as me. Key word encouragement and not reassurance.

hey guys i am needing some advice. recently my depression and ocd has been so bad i’ve gotten myself into one of the worst depressive episodes. it’s been affecting my sleep, relationship and eating which only makes my ocd worse. it’s so bad i have to take a week off work because i can’t even get out of bed to get ready. it’s been a while since i’ve been so deep into depression and wanted to hear any tips? i’m going to start new medication as well as continue therapy but the eating part and getting ready is hard. any tips for situations like this? i am wanting to do as much as i can on my own but my partner is also helping take care of me as well as my sister. i just feel bad and want to at least try and do as much as i can alone. i really appreciate any tips! thanks :)

Why does false memory always pick on situations that are so far in the past? Mine literally came to me 6 whole years after a drunk night out that I couldn’t stop obsessing about. The scary thing for me is the real detail in my false memory that my ocd is now saying is ‘evidence’, my therapist keeps saying that the ‘evidence’ really isn’t evidence and deep down I think I do know that but for me it’s the real details that keep me hooked. It’s like how can ‘this’ be real but ‘that’ not be real if you get me? It’s all so confusing and my brain hurts. The brain is a wild thing.

This morning while i was eating cereal my cat approached me as always, as i usually give her bits of milk for herself (very small amount, and she doesnt get to drink milk often) but today a thought suddenly popped up that said "what if my cat has rabies and i just dont know" and it made me so paranoid i denied her milk. I can see that it is irrational but it scared me so much, sorry michi.

I know OCD can make many us perfectionists and be too hard on ourselves, but how do we stop?? I am a journalist, and after almost every interview I do I have a breakdown because I believe it went horribly. Then a couple of days later I watch it back and I think it's okay. But I really do love my job but omg I want to enjoy it more without criticising myself all the time. I see all these things online saying you can block your blessings and I'm worried no more opportunities are going to come for me because I'm so critical and negative about myself.