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I can’t carry on with this feeling of doing something (rape) intoxicated, it’s gone on for months and just think I done it all, my life’s ruined

Lately I’ve become really worried that i could somehow run out of food at the house and not be able to obtain more. I’m not lacking food or money really, but I’m getting scared if I eat any of the food i buy i won’t have food later and so keep getting takeout to avoid digging into my stockpile of food. Is this OCD? Does anyone else experience this?

I haven’t posted in a while mainly because my ocd has been better to manage. However I am experiencing what I call a “spiral week” which I haven’t had in a while. I have multiple ocd themes that come and go, but by far HARM ocd has always seems to stay and not let go. It feels as though I am trying to fight a monster inside and it so desperately enjoys to torment me. It’s hard when it grabs a hold of the ones you love in my case my children and sometimes family members😭❤️ I just need to remain positive and continue pushing!

I’m not sure what this is, and this is probably not the best place for it, but I’m not sure where to search, I apologize I love my girlfriend but sometimes I feel like I don’t, like nothing is there, it’s just empty, i don’t understand my emotions, I don’t know why this happens, but when it does, I always end up crying or punishing myself for it, I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to find someone else or be alone, but I’m afraid that I’ll hurt her, or do something bad unintentionally, I don’t try to do any of these things purposefully, I was fearing that I’d lose feelings for her because I always did that with all of my ex partners, it always happens when I worry too much about it, i don’t want her to leave me, nor do I want to leave her, I just want to understand myself and understand why this is happening, why do I love her so much and want to stay, but something feels wrong? Something that makes me feel like I should leave, or I’m a bad person that’s leading her on, this pain is overwhelming, I hate dealing with this, I was praying this wouldn’t happen, I don’t want to leave her, I don’t know why my thoughts and everything are trying to pull her away, I just don’t understand myself I want to understand to keep this relationship

I have never done drugs. And to my knowledge I have never wanted to do drugs, at least consciously. As i'm learning to live outside my OCD and experience life my mind and feelings are hooked on the idea that I should try to widen my life experience through drug use. I'm trying to sit through the emotion but its annoying and distracting. Know any way that I can address it without feeding the thought?

How bad do you have to be because I would say I am severely struggling right now, to the point where everything is a clue to me. Im borderline dealing with psychosis I believe and I’m terrified. Has anyone actually been an inpatient before? Was it helpful?

Does anyone have advice on how to share your OCD with someone because they might notice some of your compulsions. I am going on a trip with someone who does not know I have OCD. It will just be us two in a foreign country and I can foresee me being anxious and not wanting to hide that in case I need help or something?

I've been having issues with being so scared about death that my mind tells me that I should just kill myself to avoid the fear. The thing is, I love life. I don't want to die and I want to see it out to the end, but there have been times where I felt like I could just *do it* because my mind told me it was the calmer route (i.e., if im dead, I dont have to think about the fact that I will die). It really upsets me that these thoughts come into my head so much because I know they're not mine. Even knowing that they're not mine makes me uncomfortable because, if they aren't mine, why do I continue to think the same things?? Why do I keep telling myself that I should do it when I don't want to. It's so frustrating and scary I don't want to hurt myself (and I haven't for a very long time), but just knowing these thoughts are here is really worrying to me.

How do u stop overly worrying about your health. I have a sinus infection, eye infection, and ear infection and im scared there’s more to it because it doesn’t feel like anything is working

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

It's a stressing period in my life this month. I'm stressed and I can't control the feelings of my thoughts. I mean I know I can't control my thoughts but after all these years of therapy, I'm able to concentrate and not create negative feelings, knowing it's just my OCD. Now that I'm stressed, I feel terrible. My body also is sick, i got a flu and I want to leave to my parents for a week, to get myself together. I don't know what to do. I'm full of insecurity and fear, cause of my thoughts and I can't work properly. Got any suggestions, something to help me ?

+ I kind of react differently when I imagine being with a women in my head. for exemple : -I never thought of my bf dying and if I do think about it, yes I feel very sad vs if I think of a women in this situation, I feel like I cant breath and it would be the end of my world or - When I used to date guys I was never worried of taking the wrong decision or not knowing if the guy was good for me or not. + I had very high expectations vs If I imagine dating a girl I feel like I would have rocd because I would be scared that im not choosing the right one or that there is someone better for me or that can treat me more like a princess. I also feel like I would be scared all the time thinking about if she's gonna leave me and break my heart. All these comparative examples feel like a "true relationship" and "true feelings'' are the example I give with girls and not the one I give with my bf.... And what bothers me the most is that I know that I am an emotional person and with my bf it feels good but when I imagine myself with girls it feels sooooo intense like I could feel things X10 which I hate because its so tiring. But then when I read this it feels like this is what ''true emotions"" must feel like... Im so lost I just wanna cry.

I woke up today with 0 feelings for my bf. It just feels at that point that im pushing down feelings I have for girls and I am just in complete denial. I just want to cry. Then, I ask myself : " would a lesbian want to touch/kiss/cuddle with a bf like I do"? but then I answer " what if its just a reflex and you're just used to it at that point and that is why you're touchy with your bf". Any thoughts on this? I am really struggeling this week. (I am 26 btw)

I have problem that’s plagued me my whole life that I’m seen as an “easy target” for the belittling and bullying of people. I’m not quick to comebacks, and I don’t really stand up for myself because I’m afraid of confrontation. But I’m REALLY starting to lose it and I’m gonna have to do something. More recently I have this “friend” that loves to belittle me and is generally rude. You might ask “why are you even hanging out with this person?” But they’re roommates with one of my best friends, are part of our friend group so to speak and when they aren’t being mean to me we’ll actually have decent conversations. So it’s complicated, and the more I’m around them the more negatives outway the positives. Earlier today for instance, I got good news and shared it with her. Instead of even the slightest support or “wow congrats!” She just goes “okay? I don’t care.” Like why?? What makes someone want to be so cold towards who’s supposed to be their friend?? Some other things they’ve said to me that piss me off is “keep your happiness to yourself.” “You’re embarrassing.” “Can you mask yourself while we’re here?” Basically telling me to stop being myself. It’s crazy that no one else in this friend group calls her out for it, it’s making me feel crazy. But she genuinely thinks we’re buddies and that what shes saying is just funny and it’s not hurting me! I wish it was simple enough to avoid her, but we’re in classes together, shes always with my close friend, shes always there.

I’ve been struggling with ROCD and primarily worry that my partner doesn’t love me despite him telling me that he does. I am actively aware of my compulsions with him and have tried to really decrease any reassurance seeking I’m doing. With that said, I find myself almost like trying to set up tests to give myself reassurance and I want to know if anyone else can relate to this? What I mean is that I might say something and imagine him responding by saying “i love you” or something; but then if he doesn’t say that when i expect him to, I worry that it’s a confirmation that he doesn’t love me. It’s like my brain is trying to telling me that is he isn’t acting exactly how I’m hoping or expecting him to, it serves as proof that he doesn’t love me. I know logically that this doesn’t make sense. I know logically that he isn’t particularly one with his words, and I know that he struggles with some intrusive doubts as well. I know that he shows his love to me through other ways, but I can’t help but worry that he doesn’t want a future with me and is just going to leave. Please don’t offer me any reassurance here on my situation. I’m trying to embrace some ERP and am sitting with the idea that he might just leave me and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead, does anyone find themselves performing similar “mental tests” for your partner? Is this a common compulsion/behavior?

I feel like I have become really confused about who I am, mainly when it comes to dealing with these thoughts. Lately the harm thoughts are coming to me like I don’t think this but sort of ‘feel’ like ‘imagine you went and didn’t this right now’ like I’m not thinking that thought but I sort of feel it like I can’t explain it and sort of imagine you jsut done it anyways and because I’m not anxious over the thoughts anymore and haven’t been for while I feel like its just made it worse because now I purposely think these horrible thoughts on purpose over and over to gauge my response in hope I will feel anxious so I can then ‘move on from the thought’ so if a disgusting thought or idea comes to me I find it extremely difficult to move on and feel as though I HAVE to examine the thought. I had a really disgusting thought come out of no where, basically I was in my room and there was clothing on the floor and my foot hit it when I walked past and I had a thought like ‘it felt like a animal/cat’ and then my highly active horribly creative Brain decides to make me think ‘felt like a dead animal’ then I thought to myself okay just move on from that whatever but of course I couldn’t because now according to my brain I have to now work out whether I like the feeling of picking up a dead/motionless body, because what if its true - I know this sounds so disgusting and horrible. So then I started imagining picking up a ‘dead’ animal and it ‘flopping’ about the I sort of got some sort of ‘shudder of anxiety’ it doesn’t feel like a really strong anxiety but it feels almost like I get a shudder and almost like I bring it on on purpose then I had to imagine the thought about a dead person (even more horrible) to check incase I do or don’t like moving/holding a dead body and then the same thing happened I got a shudder kind of thing then it usually still feels unsatisfied but I feel I can then somehow move on form the thought since I’ve now had a ‘shudder’ and I’ve done this same process with so many other thoughts before as well and sometimes I even the start thinking I’m purposely making myself ‘shudder’ and maybe I’m being fake but it’s jsut gotten bad like I don’t even believe myself or no what to believe anymore. I constantly feel like I’m faking my reactions as well and worry that I’m secretly happy and I’m not sure if it’s adrenaline but sometimes I will be talking about this problem or thinking and I get the same feeling in my face/chest like im ‘excited’ or about to laugh or smile and when I looked it up it says anxiety and excitement can feel the same and im wondering if im jsut confused now the other thing is I literally don’t know when im feeling anxious anymore when it comes to ocd. Like sometimes I end up thinking about the thoughts and with the shudder thing I strain my body when I do it/like tense up and Soemtiems I get hot and cold feeling come over me but I still don’t recognise that as anxiety and think that I’m somehow deliebralty making myself feel like that and it’s fake and I’m not anxious and I literally jsut don’t even know when I’m anxious and it’s worrying. Also I feel like I’m literally constantly thinking I’m bad or imagining myself doing something bad and it’s like what the heck like, when I try to think to myself ‘no I would never do that’ I don’t believ it and some how think it’s would happen because I would ‘give in’ or want to do it eventually and it feels like after all these crap thoughts and how much I’m believing it and even believing I ‘like the feeling of doing the thoughts’ because apparently I know how it feels to act on thee thoughts like how it feels to physically do these horrible things and how my hands would feel doing it and everything and apparently it feels like I I like the feeeling but I’m still not sure if that’s my adrenaline/anxiety that makes me feel like i ‘like the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ but it’s literally making me belive because it feels like I like the feeling thag now its impossible that I would ‘never do that’ and that’s worrying me as well. I don’t want to be crazy or bad or anything in fact I’ve always loved helping people and to now be literally believing that I’m this evil person who likes the feeling of doing these horrible things it’s very very hard to deal with and after over two years of dealing with this crap I’m still suffering and it’s jsut awful and it’s like the only time I feel better is if I have something to look forward to and am pre occupied and it seems to go but then I think we’ll why is that does that mean it’s all fake and I’ve jsut forgotten about being evil but still am evil and also like I can’t even stay home anymore I use to live staying home but when i stay home I feel like I start going mad with this ocd crap and it feels more and more real and it’s so scary but I don’t even know if I’m scared like I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore when it comes to this ocd I jsut no since I started having this I’ve become such an angry person I get aggitated so quickly and I feel so much pent up stress and anger its so sad. I started staying home and it as okay for a bit and then it started happening and the worrying and everything and to to the point where at some point I thought I wanted to kill and bury my mom and I told her about all of it and I don’t even know how she feels hearing all this crap. I think I would feel very worried if someone kept telling me disturbing things like that. But I literally started imaging those things like the killing and burying thing to ‘test’ myself then i started thinking how do I know I’m thinking about it to test myself and not because I want to see if ‘I like it’ because I’m actually evil …? And then like I never felt anxious but it felt almost like it was an urge and that I wanted to do that burying thing and it was very concerning - see I’m typing this and I keep worrying I’m lying about being ‘concerned’ …but it felt so real like it made me feel like I ‘wanted to do that’ or liked it and there was no anxiety and jsut felt like an urge and it was very unsettling - I can’t even write ‘it was very scary’ because I think I might be lying about being scared… I don’t even know anymore my doubt levels are to another level and I don’t know how to deal with this I literally doubt so much it’s to an extreme my doubt levels like I don’t even believe myself and im believing something but feel like I don’t want it to be true but feel like it’s true that im bad and like the feeling of ‘smothering’ … this has been the worst thought I’ve been stuck of for like two years I still don’t know if it’s my anxiety making it feel like that but it feels like I know what it feels like to smother someone like how my hands feel doing that actions and that I like the feeling and my chest feels like idk and I’m jsut confused and because of that I’m not believing it’s impossible and I would actually be evil because I would choose to do it because I like it … I’m so confused and sad and wish I could jsut be normal, if anyone has read this to the end Thank you for listening and I’m sorry you had to read all this garbage it’s honestly such a load of crap and I don’t know what to do

Ok I've gone to a therapist who helped me cope with my ocd and I technically wasn't given an official diagnosis but I emailed him and said if he had would I be ocd and he said most likely yes. Anyway, I took a bunch of online tests to see what the internet said and it of course said I wasn't ocd. But it's super interesting that even online ocd tests from mental health organizations still believe ocd is mainly cleaning, organizing, and touching something multiple times til you feel right! This just opened my eyes even more to the reality that most people have no clue about this disorder!

Does anybody find it difficult to carry on conversations and speak in general when they are in times of high stress/anxiety? Lately I’ve been finding it very difficult to find the right words when speaking and it results in slow speech and long pauses between words. Is this normal?

Hey guys, this isn’t really pertaining OCD too much but I’ve been super stressed out with school and I have ADHD as well so it makes managing my time really a bit harder so I take much longer on assignments and I have exams that I need to catch up on because I failed them and I have three exams this week sort of back-to-back and I’m just worried but I know it’s not the end of the world. It just feels so suffocating. I’m just looking for advice and kind words and encouragement, and a reminder that this isn’t the end of the world/: thanks

Hi, I have just found this support page. I am always researching and looking for people that understand what I go though. I am 38years old, I have never been diagnosed with Harm OCD as I don’t think many therapists understand it. I was diagnosed with PND when my twins were 6 months old this was nearly 16 years ago and I was only 23. This started when I was visiting my mum. I was watching a movie and a lady got her throat slit the next night I felt really weird, couldn’t eat my dinner and just hid in my bedroom I felt absolutely terrified that the images I had seen I was going to do to my babies I had no idea what was going on! I was worried that I was going crazy and that I was going to harm my children ( I also had a 3 yr old at the time) I could not go near them, I could not go into the kitchen where there was knives. I just wanted to be but to sleep until they figured out what was wrong with me so I didn’t feel all these horrible feelings! My mum took me to a doctor the next day they did a heap of test and started me on Effexor, they gave me Valium as well but my mum had to administer that to me. I saw a Therapist as well at the time and i basically just lived in the 4 walls of my mums spare room for 4 weeks because I was that scared I was going to do something so horrible to my babies. My mum looked after my babies until I felt ok to be around them. I then moved back home 2 hours away from mums with my partner who was supportive. I kept seeing a psychologist for awhile after that but some how I became able to cope again. I went on living my life it was so long ago I can’t remember that well but my partner was killed in a car accident the next year as it was a really hard time for me my anxiety did not return. 6 years later I had 2 more children with my partner at the time. I was worried that my PND would come back but the doctor said I could stay on my medication and so I did. I was totally fine I would have thoughts but that’s all they were, they didn’t consume me. 6 years after that I wanted to try a different medication and my doctor was ok with it. So I begun the process, about 2 weeks after I was changing medication I felt it all coming back to me I rang a friends a couple of days after as my anxiety was getting to much for me to cope with and asked her to take me to hospital. She did and they gave me a diazepam to calm me down I did not want to go home as I was worried once again that I was going to do something so horribly unthinkable to my children . I stayed in hospital that night , I did a Skype call with a psychologist where they asked for my partners information so they could call him and ask if he had any concerns or if I had ever been violent toward the kids. My doctor came to see me as well and told me I’m the sanest person he’s ever met but I wasn’t convinced. I called my mum to come and stay with me, she did but when it came time for her to go home I begged her to stay like sobbing uncontrollably! In the end I ended up packing myself and my kids up and I went to stay at mums and my sisters looked after my kids for me . I got into see a psychiatrist straight away, I was so relieved that I was getting help but it wasn’t an instant relief from all the crippling anxiety I was feeling. The psychiatrist ended up changing me back to the old medication I was on before I had decided to chance. I told the psychiatrist everything! It felt like I had a devil inside me telling me I was going to do all these horrible things! I was worried that I was in a psychosis, I was worried I was going mad and that I would end up locked in a mental institution for the rest of my life but at the time I was ok with that as long as it wasn’t jail because I had harmed my children. It broke my heart to leave my children but at the time I felt it was the safest option. After 2 weeks my medication had started working again and I had built up the courage to go home. I struggled so much! I was scared every day. My partner at the time was not supportive at all so I ended up packing up my kids and moving back home closer to my family where I have support. I was still in contact with my psychiatrist and I was making progress, the move home helped me a lot. Although I was a single parent now of 5 children I was determined to get better and face my fears. Now 4 years on I still struggle with my thoughts some days are easier than others I avoid caffeine, alcohol and anything else that might make me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. I still regularly take diazepam and don’t usually leave the house without it. I came off my sleeping tablets and now only take melatonin at night to help me sleep. I basically face my fears every day and it’s tiring. Every day is a struggle but every day I hope that I get a little bit better. I am not as well as I would like to be and this is the reason why I am sharing my story for hope that there is anyone else out there that can help me. I have 5 beautiful amazing children that I am so very proud of every day. I work part time as a disability support worker and I love all my children unconditionally they are my whole world. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciative. Thank you xx