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the NOCD Community

ive realized throughout my entire life ive had ocd symptoms. all of my fixative rituals, things like my fear of upsetting anyone ever, always keeping internet tabs open, missing and obsessing over the same people after they left my life and never being able to feel closure, my recursive fear of everyone i love betraying me, the paranoia i have about my girlfriend, every single thing i've experienced was a result of obsessive thought patterns and rumination. i don't understand how i never hit the nail on the head earlier. i really hope this means i can finally find a way out. i'm tired of my periods of being better just being management, of never truly feeling safe, of obsessing over people who hurt me and their words. i'm tired of being haunted by ghosts and obsessing over everything that reminds me of them. i want to be able to take my phone off do not disturb. i want to love my girlfriend without being afraid. i want to feel safe around my friends. i want to not have to be obsessed with something to survive. i hope that figuring this out means there's a new path for me. i hope i can learn not to focus on my fears and doubts. i can't remember a time where i wasn't haunted by them.

I was doing so good the last few months. I was beginning to be social again, hang out with friends, watch tv and listen to music, and suddenly it feels like I’m back in square one. I watched a triggering TikTok, I turned 29 recently, I got drunk, and feel like I’m going through a flare. I’ve been here before, but it’s so scary when you’re in the thick of it. I don’t want to be bisexual or a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with it, I have queer friends and they’re amazing. It’s just not what I want. OCD makes me feel like I’m in denial or that I’m lying to myself. I will get through this. It’s just so hard, the doom feeling of what if I have to rely on my family and never find a career or get married because of this.

Oof I’m having a hard time right now. I have a ton of OCD themes, but after 2021, my perfectionism OCD became atrocious. I got married in November 2021 and while the day was amazing, my wedding photos are honestly less stunning than I hoped. There aren’t many bridal photos of me and many are poorly lit or weirdly posed. I had gained weight over COVID and that didn’t help. The reason I started on this app is because from 2021 until summer 2023, I could not stop spending hours going through my wedding photos and other wedding photos comparing. I couldn’t stop putting my wedding photos on Reddit and asking if they were really that bad. I couldn’t stop googling what to do if you hate your wedding photos. My mood plummeted and I actually was contemplating ending my life over wedding photos. Fast forward to this year, NOCD has helped me so much. But this past weekend, my sister got married. We’ve already seen a sneak peek of her photos and they’re perfectly stunning. Like strangers are messaging me on IG to say she’s the most stunning bride they’ve ever seen. I held out my OCD for a few days and just felt happy for her, but last night my OCD and I had a complete meltdown. My OCD keeps saying “well if she could be the perfect bride, why couldn’t you?” “You failed this milestone, just like all the others.” “Maybe you missed something about your pics that actually isn’t that bad - you should look again.” “You should look up options to get your photos retaken - wait don’t because then you’ll have to admit something about your wedding was sub par.” I’m trying SO HARD to stop looking at pics and going on Reddit today, but it’s been the most hard it’s been for a year or more. I feel terrible that I’m not just celebrating my sister’s success. I feel guilty that im letting my OCD win. I know I shouldn’t seek reassurance. I could just use some general uplifting today. And maybe - did anybody else regret having a wedding because it was just something your OCD could latch onto forever? I wish we’d eloped, at this point.

Last year, I lost my dad. I completely lost it and had to be put on antipsychotics and depression meds. I’m currently on Vraylar which is supposed to help with most of my diagnoses including OCD (according to my doc). She’s been trying to get me into CBT and read a 70 dollar book (my adhd makes it hard to focus so I struggle with reading); it’s not a favorite past time of mine because of that and my dyslexia. I’ve lost my ability to drive unless my wife is with me (she’s my safe person) and same goes for leaving the house. I can’t make myself drive or leave the house without a support human. My doc says CBT therapy will help but I’m so nervous that I’m going to be stuck like this forever. I rarely drove before my dad died but I did drive and since his passing, I can’t bring myself to do it. I get so many intrusive thoughts that I’m going to kill myself or others by driving. I’ve been in 3 accidents alone in my suv and so it’s not like I shouldn’t be worried (only one accident was my fault due to not checking my blind spot for reference). I’m an extremely careful driver but I think of all the worst ways it could go bad. Has anyone else dealt with this and has CBT helped? Are you driving or doing the things you used to be able to do again? If so, how did you do it? I’m at a loss here and my wife keeps pushing me to drive but I can’t force myself to do it. I get to the front door and I can’t leave the house even with keys in hand. Sorry for the novel but this is what I’ve been dealing with for the last almost year or so.

Does anyone struggle with intense trich or have any recommendations to help?

this is gna sound like a reddit post… when i went to the psychiatrist and was told i have OCD, i was like “whatt no 😅😅” and then i went home, told my parents, and they said “yeah obviously.” so let me get this straight you let me suffer… wash my hands till my knuckles cracked, starve myself because i thought food was poison, avoid physical touch (and still have that boundary be crossed by family) because it felt dirty, NEED I GO ON??? and you just did nothing???? no intervention, no push for therapy or treatment, nothing. i had to BEG to get therapy when i was 15 because i couldn’t function as a human being with the amount of anxiety i was feeling (i didnt get diagnosed with OCD till 18) is it selfish of me to wish they had intervened?? they told me they saw the signs. they kept track of how many times i washed my hands a day, they let people know i dont like being touched… so why did i never get treatment idk im probably being dramatic

I can feel that an obsession with a false memory is in the beginning phases. I really want to nip it in the bud before I get carried away and spiral into a full blown obsession. Here are some ways that I was considering: - NOT posting on Reddit or NOCD about the memory, or seeking ANY reassurance. - NOT telling my partner or anyone else about it. - Going on with life as normal, as if it doesn’t exist. Does anyone else have any tips? I need to stop it before it blows up.

My rocd has been going on for almost 6 months now. I always have something new to worry/ruminate about every day whether it’s an old mistake my partner made or something new he said that triggered rumination, also some things I feel I need to confess. It isn’t just “sometimes” where it happens where I let it all out to my partner, it’s every single day we message/call I’m seeking reassurance from him or asking him 10000 questions, a lot of what I’ve already asked 10 times in the past and it ruins his mood. I have noticed I feel drained every day and some days numb/not much emotion with my partner? ( only since I’ve been having rocd spiral) I love him and he is perfect for me is it possibly just because of the amount of stress in dealing with is absolutely tiring me? He also said he is a bit less excited to call/message because of how I instantly seek reassurance and ask questions every single day for hours and it’s never a normal fun call. He said he knows he will get better if I get better and learn not to reassurance seek. He has been trying to find ways to cope with the stress like constantly gaming. Anyone else been in this situation where both sides feel drained/ a bit less happy? Does the happiness return once the person with ocd is learning to improve? Is it understandable that he is stressed/less exited to call?

OK, hear me out. I know OCD -> Obessions -> Compulsions -> Relieve anxiety -> Repeat. I say Pink Elephant. You automatically think of a Pink Elephant. 🐘 Because you're reading it, I've more or less placed it in your head. (Sorry!) But the bit I don't get are the hyperthetical thoughts. How the brain creates them. Why it creates them? Example: So you could be looking out the bus window on your way to work and get the thought of a Pink Elephant trampling you to death. Random. But wait. Nobody mentioned a Pink Elephant. There was absolutely no reference. How does the brain invent such an mage? Why does it invent this image? You see what I'm saying?

A couple years ago, I got my first DBS check done and I started worrying about whether or not it would show up as me being a criminal, I was struggling to function and eat while I waited in anticipation to find out the answer. During this time my brain brought up real and false memories that my brain used to convince me it wouldn’t be clear. Finally I got the result back and it was all fine. After this happened my brain came up with “What if when I turn 18 everything changes and I am actually a criminal” and I haven’t worried about it in a few months but recently I have been offered a job and I need another DBS check done and the uncertainty is killing me. I feel so anxious and can barely move. These memories/false memories and thoughts have come back again, just as strong as they were last time. I don’t know what to do and I feel like crying. I hate not knowing and I fear I won’t be able to continue with my life until I have the answer. I feel so guilty and like I don’t deserve anything good in life. What can I do?

Can we talk about maladaptive daydreaming. I don't know or not sure if it's a part of OCD of some kind and it's symptom but like in my head I feel like talking to and giving speech infront of a particular group of people, I am associated with right now at the particular point of time like my classmates, seniors and juniors and teachers like I am trying to put an impression to them. It happens so sneakily or subltly sometimes, I don't even recognise doing it. It prompts me to even talk and make hand movements. The group of people changes as I move and associate with a new group of people. I also feel like talking to large group of people like as if I am giving some motivational speech. It has gotten into me to where I feel like I am just telling others what helped me whenever I feel like I felt little good. I earlier used to sometimes study like a teacher teaching someone. As a kid imagined students and also acted like teachers getting offended if a student does something really naughty, not paying attention so I would tell them not to do so. And as I grew up, I used to study the same way walking aroud the house. I felt there's a lot more between the lines trying to understand a concept and like giving a speech which might have helped me but it became so much that whenever I take the book to study without my knowledge, I would get on talking like that for hours and hours and that's how, time went and I couldn't cover even one page sometimes. I don't know how I managed to give my exams like that. But from that, it started the process of never having my syllabus completed and having a hard time reading a book and enjoying completing it. If I start reading then also I have the pressure of completing it, for which I wouldn't enjoy reading the book with the pressure. Earlier when I was fine I could read without fears or anxiety, enjoying the process not thinking if I could finish it and I completed also. For years, I haven't been able to complete a book, a huge book like novels or anything just short stories somehow I read and I took literature and I actually want to read like I loved books, reading books and I love literature. I want to, I literally want to, read a lot and it makes me so sad to feel it, that I cannot as fast as I could because I repeat phrases over and over again and it distresses. The reading experience doesn't become as I think, it becomes distressing, not going smoothly, you just want to leave reading early or you become hyperactive also very much distracted and aware of your surroundings. But meanwhile I am doing small sessions of reading like a few pages or less than that. I am trying. Had pretty much good experience in between too after struggle and my mind constantly saying something or the other. "You should do it this way or that way" like the right way of doing it and wandering in betweens to think. It would be nice if we discuss about it or I get some responses

I can't tell the difference between a normal thought and a intrusive thought .....what this mean

I looked up “why does it feel like I feel good from intrusive thoughts?” And the AI thing said if I’m feeling good from these thoughts that means it’s not actually intrusive. Isn’t that my answer right there? I also made myself think the thoughts that have been “bothering” me to see if I’d feel anything down there or if I’d feel excitement and nothing happened. Can someone just help me understand??

Does anyone experience a high level of anxiety when they wake up. It’s almost like I’m anticipating some thought triggering me. I woke up today sweating and I just sat there in the uncomfortableness of it all and it was miserable. I’ve been doing therapy work so maybe my stress level is high and that’s causing it

Why am I not feeling disgusted, horrified and feeling sick to my stomach with these thoughts? Why am I not feeling anything? And when I do it’s all the wrong feelings towards these things? What happened to me to make me like these things? It feels like my face muscles are trying to smile, what’s wrong with me??

I am having the worst panic attack of my life, I'm a dumbbass and I read some stupid cooks that trigerred my pocd in a massive way. I'm freaking out so bad, can anyone talk to me. I feel like im dying for real

2 moths ago I blew up and spilled all my intrusive thoughts into my family and broke my relationship with my older sister. of my 19 years of life it has never been this bad of a relationship with my sister never and we were two peas in a pod before super duper close confiding in everything in each other and now I broke her heart, trust and reliability in me she now has to go to therapy and she has ptsd from what I said and did: I regret everything and each day I am haunted by what I did, what could have been and for not being able to regulate. I went to therapy for a year and a bit more a year ago (for anxiety, change difficulty and high functioning on autism spectrum didn’t know I had ocd at the time) which helped tremendously but then because I got better I stopped taking it seriously and did not work on my techniques and did not ask to go back to therapy. Then I blamed every life decision and intrusive thoughts onto my family and said many things I wish I did not. The conversation started and stemmed from simple topic of deciding on an invite from a friend the night before but I put on intrusive spin on it and it stated my downfall of thoughts and my indecisiveness. I talked to my sister then my whole family then proceeded the following days I still put blamed and terrible thoughts and distrust onto my family who cares and changed our dynamics entirely. I said so many hurtful things and did not heed warnings just because I couldn’t sit with my thoughts and emotions. And because I didn’t realize the consequences or feel remorse at the time even though I was warned. Now I do and god it hurts like hell on earth. I also said a bunch of things about my entire past so my sister found out every supposed truth or honest thing I said to her was not so. She really liked how honest and open I was but now she found out everything was a “lie” and that I felt/thought so many bad ways about her and my family. Complete 360* she said she feels like she doesn’t know who I am anymore and I don’t either. Now I am left picking up the pieces and am distraught with my reality I kept on repeating trying to relive the misery with talking to my family but now I realize it no good as I’ve been told repeatedly so I should stop and at least here I could release it healthily and ask if anyone has every done the same and if there is hope for putting back all the pieces again. I don’t wish anyone to have to go through the same things I did but if there is someone out there like me I could really use some home right about now. Because now I haven’t really been in touch with my sister at all for moths despite living in the same house and she put me away on her socials which she told me she would if I kept on pushing back on our relationship and now complete social media connection is practically gone and her life practically as well as she is trying to heal and protect herself from me. I am sad, I am scared, I regret. And I didn’t want to work on myself because I believe I could return to the past and change it and it will all be better again. Help and redemption I hope to gain through NOCD and now I know I have OCD from my second diagnosis from today I wish I figured all this out sooner and worked on my therapy as well. (_ _).｡o○ʕ⁎̯͡⁎ʔ༄

My first post on this forum. I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with OCD for about 10 years. I probably relapsed about 20 times now. Most recently 2 months ago for no particular reason other than becoming a father a month earlier which i guess was some kind of positive stress that triggered me. And this time our friend is really having a go with me. Especially now i am on vacation and have nothing much to do in the mornings which causes anxiety so severe i threw up in the first hour of waking up 2 days in a row now. I'm doubting every last od my positive feelings. Am i suicidal, how is my family going to feel if i kill myself, is it ever going to be better, how can i take care of my kid if i'm like this, am i going to throw up every day now? I started going to CBT last month in adsition to my 100 mg of SSRI . Hope it gets better soon ffs 😮‍💨

i've always loved kids and they bring me so much joy and light and laughter into my life, i was an infant teacher at a daycare for years before going to college. i've always wanted a family , a husband, kids, a cat (already have my baby boy kitty witty), a nice dog or two in a nice house with a job i love or to stay at home with the kids blah blah blah . now that i've been struggling with HOCD i'm terrified. i'm scared that if i have children one day i'm gonna go into psychosis and act on intrusive thoughts which i would never ever ever ever do but it's a scary feeling . it has made my whole view on my future change so drastically. im scared of having kids now even tho it was my dream for so long. when i was a kid if anybody asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i would say "a mommy" . it's just kind of annoying. anyone else struggling with this ?

Pleaseeeee Lord make this stop