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Lists lists lists, bane of my life. Since I would say last 4 years any worry that pops in my mind I put down on the notes app on my phone then come back to it sometime. Is this OCD?

I had this friend and he's my only friend at all but we lost touch after I prayed if he's not a good person for me for us not to be friends he was already slowly drifting away but ig it got worse and now when I think about leaving him as a friend (my only friend) I see angel numbers but IM SO DONE HES MY ONLY RELEAS AND THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY ATP IM SO ALONE AND OFC HE COMES MY WAY AND WEVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 5 MOTNHS AFTER NOT SEEING EACOTHER FOR 6 YEARS AND THIS HAPPENS Please understand why I'm mad

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...

Ok so about 48 hrs ago I was watching YouTube shorts, going through and i stumbled upon a video saying, some people don't believe in the Bible because it was written by men. And ever since then my brain has been going crazy. This doubt is like never before and idk what to do about it. Like literally I'm freaking out. But at the same time I feel like I could give two craps. So here is the kind of thoughts I get. Like I get thoughts saying. How do you know, this or how do you know that. Or like my mind sometimes says bad things, that degrade Jesus. But also at the same time my mind is trying to tell me he is fictional. But I dont believe that atleast i dont think I do. I don't want to believe that. Literally just 48 hours ago my faith was fine, I was talking to God and having a great time and now since then idk what to do. It's like I'm lost my complete faith in God. And idk what to do, it's like my mind is trying to convince me he isn't real, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm deliberately trying to not believe in him and idk what to do. Idk if I'm ok. I really don't......

(Disclaimer: I don’t have any thoughts about hurting myself or anyone else. No one else, no matter what they think about themselves, should try to hurt themselves or others. And no racism, sexism, classism, ageism, sizeism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other kind of prejudice is ever justified.) ERP can expose you to thoughts that cause anxiety to try to interrupt the cycle of compulsions that help you cope with the anxiety until the thoughts and anxiety come back stronger. This way the thoughts carry less anxiety with them. I get that. And therapy helps give you insight into the intrusive thoughts themselves and to try to look at things other than in black and white. I get that too. The problem is that I don’t just have intrusive thoughts that upset me because they are terrible things that might be true. I have deeply held beliefs, almost like a moral system, a philosophy of life or even a religion, that is part of my identity. These beliefs are: 1. That everything I was ever given and everything I have has been stolen or defrauded from someone else due to the unjust society we live in. 2. That any goodwill, affection, or love that anyone has toward me is the result of their being deluded, codependent, coerced, or brainwashed. At a certain point, someone like me becomes so selfish and takes so much advantage of others that to continue to enable them is to be a doormat. 3. That all humans have rights they deserve, including myself, but that when someone like me who has always had immense privilege, great healthcare, great education, and loving parents and a loving spouse has gone through half their life and done nothing for anyone else and merely been a source of stress and anguish for others, they/I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore and should be written off by everyone. 4. Therefore, I don’t deserve any kind of help. I should be thrown on a trash heap and left to fend for myself. These beliefs are not instrusive thoughts. I don’t seek or need reassurance because I know these things to be true deep in my soul. This is the core belief that I base everything else in my life on. I knew it was true when I was child, even though no one taught it to me and I was surrounded by love. I know from the bottom of my heart that if I think that I deserve compassion and empathy and if I think that it would be ok for me to enjoy things like friendship, family and marital love, and professional success, I would be a sociopath because only someone with no morals or empathy would think those things when they have been proven, despite having been given everything, to be useless trash. The reason there is so much injustice in the world is that trash like me is not thrown away. I don’t think anyone should hurt me or anyone else. But we should have everything and everyone good taken away from us and left to fend for ourselves. That is the only way that we will have any dignity, because for once in our lives we will only have what we have worked for. I don’t think there are many people like me. I don’t know anyone else who is completely useless and who has completely wasted their life. I don’t think that anyone poor, abused, or oppressed is like me, and I don’t condemn any of them. But I think the fundamental evil in the world is that society enables people like me to suck parasitically on everyone else. We have to be cut off or burned off like the leeches we are in order for the world to be a just place. So what is the point of therapy if this is what I know to be true? Is it just to work up the courage to leave everyone and everything I have and throw myself on a trash heap until I manage to do something with my life? Therapy is not supposed to make you reject your religion, even if you have intrusive thoughts and compulsions that are religious in nature. What if this is my religion?

Help. TW/nsfw.. incest ocd and trauma Any help or advice please… I need a little help. I have a family member who put me through a lot growing up, emotional and psychological. But sometimes they traumatized me by not being careful of their sexual stuff around me. Like pleasuring themselves while im in the room or not caring about pornography on their devices while around me. Anyways, my brain has sexualized and fantasized this moments since it happened when I was little. Anyways now that im older that family member and me still are around each other. I get these strong groinal responses whenever it seems like they are touching themselves again or I hear something that sounds like that. The groinal responses get so strong that it can cause climax even if I don’t touch myself. But anyways this groinal feeling and climax has happened while I’ve been around this family member. Either when we sleep in the same bed or are in the same room. They don’t know about this as I am scared to talk to them about this since they caused some of this trauma. Anyways, since this has happened around them it feels like I violated them in some way even though I know I didn’t. And also I started having false memories like “oh what if you did something inappropriate to said family member while they were sleeping and u forgot”…. And I know that’s not true deep down but I let it worry me too much that now I can’t differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. They know about my ocd and I told them about this fear and they said they would know if I hurt them when they were sleeping and to not worry myself. But it’s hard to explain what triggered it since THEY are the trigger. I am scared me having these groinal responses and allowing my body to climax from it (i just sit there and let this disgusting feeling pass, like im not sitting there touching myself) while being near this person is a violation of them. Any advice or help. I feel so weird and gross. I love this family member dearly as they raised me.

Help. TW/nsfw.. incest ocd and trauma I need a little help. I have a family member who put me through a lot growing up, emotional and psychological. But sometimes they traumatized me by not being careful of their sexual stuff around me. Like pleasuring themselves while im in the room or not caring about pornography on their devices while around me. Anyways, my brain has sexualized and fantasized this moments since it happened when I was little. Anyways now that im older that family member and me still are around each other. I get these strong groinal responses whenever it seems like they are touching themselves again or I hear something that sounds like that. The groinal responses get so strong that it can cause climax even if I don’t touch myself. But anyways this groinal feeling and climax has happened while I’ve been around this family member. Either when we sleep in the same bed or are in the same room. They don’t know about this as I am scared to talk to them about this since they caused some of this trauma. Anyways, since this has happened around them it feels like I violated them in some way even though I know I didn’t. And also I started having false memories like “oh what if you did something inappropriate to said family member while they were sleeping and u forgot”…. And I know that’s not true deep down but I let it worry me too much that now I can’t differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. They know about my ocd and I told them about this fear and they said they would know if I hurt them when they were sleeping and to not worry myself. But it’s hard to explain what triggered it since THEY are the trigger. I am scared me having these groinal responses and allowing my body to climax from it (i just sit there and let this disgusting feeling pass, like im not sitting there touching myself) while being near this person is a violation of them. Any advice or help. I feel so weird and gross. I love this family member dearly as they raised me.

Hi, i had this thought today and it scares me, i’m in a relationship, and i have ROCD, i had a thought of “what if someone asks you out in public and you get disappointed when you have to say no” i’m so scared that this will happen, i don’t want this to happen and it terrifies me. I don’t want to get asked out in public cause i’m afraid i’ll feel that way

I have not been diagnosed with anything but the things I saw in the tik tok I watched about this app is very true to what I’m feeling. I am scared to feel this and I just want it to stop. People around me make me feel like I’m trying to seek attention but I just seek answers.

Sometimes I think " do I like kids?" "Would i get aroused if I saw content with kids?""What if I'm a pedo and cant accept it?" "What if I'm ok with these thoughts?" "What if I'm not distressed enough " "What if I enjoy these thoughts?" , i avoid kids as much as i can, i cant look at them bc I'm scared I'm gonna have some groin like response. I keep testing if I'd get turned on or if I'd have some groinal response to sexual scenarios with kids. Sometimes I think that if I took my life this would be over and i wouldn't have to think about this and i wish i doubted something else instead of things like this. I had similar situations just with different topics such as if i loved or found sexually appealing a guy while in a relationship and i kept asking myself those questions for months and i avoided going to school for weeks and when I went I'd cry and have anxiety attacks. I had it with past actions i obessed over and felt the need to exploit every detail and be honest because otherwise i was being a fraud. I had it for sexual things that happened when i was a child. Im not diagnosed with ocd but should i tell this to my local counselor? Can someone help? Give me advice or tell me anything?

TW// NSFW and childhood So today, I am making some big changes. I am going to see a psychiatrist, as I already have found a therapist on here. I am very scared to speak with them, though. My OCD themes are very sexual and taboo. I also had a weird childhood, I was exposed to pornography at around age 4 to 5 I witnessed things, had other children do things to me , and also witness family members being careless with their sexual interactions around me. I was very hyper sexual as a kid, and even up until now. I was touching myself at those young ages as well, compulsively, 24/7 and inappropriate places like school, in front of family, etc. I developed weird fantasies as a kid and watched very weird things, but around age 14 is when I started becoming aware of how these things do not align with who I am deep down, and it began to make me very anxious and uncomfortable, eventually leading me to find out and get diagnosed with OCD. A bad compulsion I deal with, like I said, before is self pleasure, but it has become a compulsion that it worries me that I like the nature of my OCD. I also experimented in such disturbing ways as a child that it haunts me now. And some fantasies have stuck, as they revolve around something traumatic I’ve seen as a kid. For example, the main one, is when I was younger, there was a family member who would be careless with pornography on their phone, self pleasure around me, etc.. so my brain has sexualized this for such a long time. But I love that family member, dear to my heart, and I would never want to do anything sexual with them harmful to them. I know this is getting long, but I guess this is my story? I am a little nervous, well, actually very scared, that the psychiatrist is going to tell me that I am my biggest fear, someone who needs to be kept away from kids, pets, society. I just feel so not normal. It makes me super sad and drained. If anyone has any advice, or even something that they can relate on, anything helps. Thank you.

once I make a decision about something and go forth with it and can’t undo it (e.g tell someone something etc) my mind won’t shut up about what if that’s the wrong choice and oh you’re gonna be regret that?!? It happens so much and so frequently that it’s so hard to believe it’s OCD or not….anyone else struggle with this or know how to calm down from it?

Has anyone ever felt like there arousal changed? I use to get aroused to women only. Now feels like it switched and I hate it. I feel numb to women and get aroused to men. Even had an erection. I have a beautiful fiancé and a son I love. I don’t want to be gay. Can someone help

I’ve been held on so long to this idea that my partner did something a few years ago that neither of us can remember and it’s like a huge deal if it did happen and I’m so fixated and it won’t go away and everyone is saying it didn’t happen but what if it did?

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

So, I'd originally wanted to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm more comfortable with in-person appointments. I'm realizing, though, that it's incredibly difficult to find someone who actually specializes in OCD and that's affordable. Everyone in my area who is an OCD specialist charges +$200 or more per hour, and they don't take insurance AT ALL. Which is... insane. My psychiatrist is helping me look for one, but most of the practices that reach out don't specialize in OCD, or it's they only treat children. One said that they have a therapist who can help, but they don't have any open spots for at least a few months. They did offer to get me in with another one of their therapists in the meantime and try their best to help with other things, but I'm not sure what's the right thing to do. I'm desperate, and I'd love to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm afraid for some reason. I've never done online therapy, and I've also never done therapy for OCD in particular, so it's just unknown territory and out of my comfort zone, I guess. I'd appreciate any advice, honestly. How long did it take for you to find the right therapist? 🤍

I was sitting down and my child wanted me tl hug her. She extended her arms. I leaned in and hugged her but my pocd freaks out says “dont brush up lr do anything inappropriate. Dont thrust my hips”. I leaned in and hugged her. I had these intrusive thoughts and worries. I hugged her still and i think i did compulsions to avoid these pocd and intrusive thoughts. I moved on and now im habing doubts and false memories on the details. I know as i hugged her i worried about brushing up or hips thrusting and i was anxious and uncomfortable. I known its ocd. I still hugged my child. Despite ocd discomfort. I thought i felt my body react like a hip thrust twitch or maybe its just in my head. I dont want to hip thrust. Thats why my mind was freaking out worrying about it when she asked for anhug. My therapist said my ocd and anxiety and these intrusive thiughts can cause my body to involuntarily react and do those things my ocd is obssessing over like hip thrusting or twitches or groinals down there.

I hate my ocd so much every single time I get new hyperfixation or special interest it has to ruin it destroy shatter I cannot do this anymore it's so fucking annoying. I dont really have a theme of ocd, sometimes it's something sexual, sometimes it's values and morals, sometimes it's hyper responsibility, but the main part is that, it always attacks my current special interest. For example, when I get sexual intrusive thought it wont be an intrusive image of myself or someone I know, but it's going to be an image of my favorite characters, or when I'll get a thought about my morals, it's going to be "your favorite character is based on misogynistic stereotypes" or "your favorite male character is the way they're not because they're severely mentally ill and traumatized, as well as disabled, but because they're a man and every men acts this way" So ocd is basically trying to make me go either insane or dead, all I can do is just keep being interested in what Im interested in and hope for it to go away after some time. Tho my therapist that I was going to a year ago told me to stop being interested in what Im interested in or get interested in something else, when it doesnt make even the littlest bit of sense?? I mean, it wont make my ocd dissapear it's just going to latch onto other thing im interested in?? Maybe something even more important? At this point Im just tired, I never actually were that suicidal as I am now, I mean, I dont really think about it all the time but I feel like Im completly ready to take my own life whenever I feel like I cant take this anymore, my mother after a year and a half started to trust me with taking meds to my room, so I can do it whenever I want. It gives me some sort of comfort

Idk. It was slightly daunting before ocd but now it’s more daunting. Especially with the relationship thing. Like I cannot conceptualize forever. My parents got divorced. Most of the relationships I’ve seen have fallen apart. I’m worried about making a mistake and living in the wrong relationship with the wrong gender my whole life but I was so happy and confident before. Now I feel like. None of that. I’m wondering. Who do I want to do life with? Who do I wanna sleep next to my whole life? Have sex with? Have a family with? Am I holding back from my real soulmate cuz I didn’t feel that intense draw towards my bf? I had breakup thiughts and random intrusive thoughts about me dying or smthn random like that but they never bothered me at all so I worry about them. Idk. I’m so tired Being bisexual makes this more confusing. Cuz now I’m worried I’m a lesbian cuz I can’t feel anything lately towards my bf besides slight anxiety, overwhelm and nausea. Idk. I’m tired and about to head to bed but I wanted to rant. Idk if anyone else feels like that if you do pls Lmk, especially with the nausea. I feel nausea around anything sexual lately. And I feel horrible cuz I do wanna be intimate but I have no energy and don’t wanna do it much lately.

Last year I used and app to talk about my POCD and people called me a pedo and told me to kill myself. It has been months and I had even forgotten about it, but I talked about my mom yesterday and I feel a sense of doom now. Like, I could have lived my life normally, but this happened. I feel overhelmed, and don't know exactly what to do, cuz when I stop to think about it, it is something awful, but I spend months just not caring, I don't know what to do, it was not even close to the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it still feels terrible, it keeps echoing in my mind, and It won't go away, and yes I know it is OCD, I just want to let It go. And I lied somethings to my mom cuz if I told the whole truth she would be even more heartbroken (I just didn't say what app it was and I said it was recently, and not months ago) And I feel bad, but now I can't go back, but if I told her the whole truth, she would've just broke down. Basically she thinks it was yesterday and in another app, and I told her I just commented on something. But I feel so bad! I don't want to tell the truth to her, but also, I don't know...