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Anybody struggle with wanting to at least be certain that you don’t know? Reality and laws and rules are pretty clear and therefore you are certain.. and yet my therapist insists that I still don’t know if my act is right or wrong.. god I hate this dam disorder

its been a week after my last post and i decided to make a new post in celebration of my birthday. For background, i actually was in therapy for 3 years and just finished it earlier this year. I was officially in remission when i stopped therapy, but i admitted i was really scared not having weekly session anymore. i felt like i have nothing to hold on to. the ocd slowly creeping back in after months and i struggled really bad, because i cant seem to stop doing compulsion. i felt so insecure and scared. my greatest fear of feeling this terrible feeling for the rest of my life didnt seem impossible at that point and i had no option other than to accept it. but after coming to this app, reading posts, and did some reflection, i thought, it doesnt hurt to try to do erp again by my own and apply the tools i learned through therapy. looking back, i realized i didnt do all the homework and yes i wasnt discipline at all. i think, i was still consumed by fear standing on the corner of my room, just looking at me, ready to pounce at me anytime. restarting feels so intimidating at first, i felt like a failure and honestly ashamed to spent time and money just to stay scared still. i did it anyway, starting from small stuffs like delaying compulsions, timing it, acknowledging feelings and not judging it, just let it wash over, moving through the thoughts, etc. it was just as difficult as the first time i started, i just wanted to scream my head out everytime i have intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges 😅 i reread my notes from my past sessions and do the erp i used to do and i didnt get to (because as i said i didnt do all the homework 😭). the progress has been good i would say. im able to catch the moment im about to ruminate and not being too caught up in the string of thoughts. its still difficult to stay moving despite my intrusive thoughts, but i try my best! i started to have thoughts that are even more explicit and honestly i want to beat myself everytime it popped out, but no compulsion, so i have to just feel the uncomfortable feelings and not trying to do a whole analysis and write an essay in my head about my thoughts. not gonna lie, i still catch myself doing compulsion here and there, but i dont beat myself too much over it. just move on with my day despite how awful it made me feel. oh boy its a long post 😅 but im hoping to be more committed in trying to do better for myself. what im trying to remind myself is that this isnt going to be easy at all, i will have ups and downs, and its just what i have to deal with. its not gonna be upward trend everytime. thank you guys for making me feel less lonely in this journey. thank you for sharing your journey and motivating others. i regret not looking up this community earlier in my therapy, because another thing i really struggled with is the fact no one in my life understand what im going through. i dont blame them for it, ocd is difficult to understand to those who are not going through it. and i finally saw you guys here sharing about your struggles and your wins as well! sending you guys luck and blessings. have a nice day!

Just need to vent about a new thing my contamination theme is obsessing over, and maybe get advice if anyone has any. I had a major obsession for a couple months about fiber glass in mattresses (still have it but now I’m focused on something else). I was convinced my mattress had fiber glass in it because I was seeing sparkles on my bed frame, my mattress is old, and it has a tear. I finally checked the tag and it doesn’t say fiberglass in the materials. This has been my main obsession and I’ve been able to mostly ignore my other worries. Since checking the tag I haven’t been getting intrusive thoughts about the mattress but now my contamination ocd has moved on to a completely new thing almost instantly after checking. Literally this is now the only thing I can think about and it feels horrible. I accidentally spilled an alcoholic drink a while back in my room. I have carpeted floors. After spilling I set a towel on it to soak up the drink but to be honest I didn’t clean it that well, and I’ve never thought too deeply into spilling things because I never cared (never thought about anything bad that could happen from it, never occurred to me). I left my house for a couple months to stay somewhere else and when I came back I noticed the area I spilled the drink has a scent. I can’t tell if it’s just a scent from spilling a drink with alcohol or if it’s a problem. The first night sleeping at my house again (I spilled it next to my bed) I kept coughing. It’s been about a week and I’m still coughing. I’ve been researching mold like crazy, which I know is bad because I’m looking for reassurance, but I think there is a chance there is mold from the moisture of me not cleaning the drink properly. My carpet has discoloration but it’s not obvious, I can’t see if there’s mold or not. I bought vinegar and I’m going to clean it properly. But the problem is I can’t tell if my worries are realistic or not. My main intrusive thoughts are: - This happened next to an air vent, and I’m worried the air spread mold all over my room. I have a lot of possessions that are important to me and now I’m scared they’re contaminated. - I watched a video a while back where someone was looking around their house and there was mold on everything they owned. I’m worried that’s going to be me. - I’m worried that since I’ve been around where I think the mold is (literally right next to my bed) I have mold (not visible mold, I’m worrying about mold spores that I can’t see and them spreading to others) stuck to me/my clothes/my sheets/my phone. I’m getting a new kitten today and I’m scared to pet it because of the thought of mold on my hands. I don’t know if I should wash my hands/clean my phone before touching the cat. - I’m now thinking about all the times I spilled something in that room as a child, and didn’t clean it properly, and if there’s tons of mold I don’t know about. - I’m scared it has spread to other parts of my floor and now I’m tracking it to other parts of the house. I know mold doesn’t work this way but this is stuck in my head. I’ve been in this bedroom since I was a kid so at least 9 years. As a kid I didn’t care about this sort of thing so there’s been lots of messes over the years. I just want to move and get a fresh start. Living this way is so exhausting and I feel crazy writing this out lol. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is valid or not, and I’m scared to research further because I know it’s probably for reassurance but I genuinely don’t know how to deal with this or what’s normal. My ocd usually centers around other people, like I don’t care if I’m affected by the mold or if it harms me, I’m just worried about being contaminated and bringing it around others. I’ve been thinking about actually going to therapy but I have horrible social anxiety and can’t talk to people very well. It feels like a catch 22, that my social anxiety is preventing me from getting therapy that would help my social anxiety and ocd.

I know we are as close to God as we choose to be but it’s hard and I wish I was closer. I wish the Bible didn’t scare me and I wish I could just think clearly and differentiate between the Holy Spirit or my brain. How do we expect to spend eternity with God if we can’t even spend bare minimum time. I feel like I want blessings more than God but I want God cuz I know he’s the truth but then if he told me the truth I probs wouldn’t listen or think it’s the ocd

My HOCD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even vision myself being with my boyfriend or even a man in the future when before all this I could, I can’t vision anything with me or a man - it’s suddenly causing me anxiety, doubt and a feeling of it being wrong. I’m hurting in ways I can’t even describe. I was in one of the best relationships I genuinely felt so in love, I was the happiest i had been always wanted to be around my boyfriend. It’s gotten to the point where I even see the word boyfriend and it gives me anxiety. I really don’t know what has happened or a way past this even though I have got past it before but it’s never made me feel this type of way. I’m losing hope 💔

I recently found a job, though the salary is a bit low — around $40. The job itself is at a reception desk, where I register students’ names. At first, I refused because of the low pay and tried to negotiate with someone — he seemed understanding. But then I thought that maybe this job could actually help me mentally, especially with exposure and response prevention (ERP). I know the salary isn’t great, but I’ll get to be around people, which might help me heal faster. The manager also told me we could negotiate the salary later, which gives me some hope. Honestly, my family still supports me financially since I’m still young, so it’s not really about the money. My cousin told me that the salary is too low and that they might be taking advantage of me. But from a psychological point of view, I feel like this job could be very helpful. I even had this kind of situation listed on my exposure list — being around arrogant or intimidating students, interacting with people, and challenging my social fears. I think this job could help me build more confidence. What do you think? Please, I really need advice this time. I’m always the one giving support to others, but now I need it myself. Should I accept the job for $40 a month?

I remember when my baby’s pee pee got hard and I wiped him and could feel it when I wiped then I may have felt it after I put the diaper on out of curiosity? I can’t remember if I touched the diaper to see if I could feel it… or if I wiped it just so I could feel it (not in a bad way) more so curious. But tbh there is this part of me that is thinking I did have thoughts but kept doing what I was doing and now since I am having an ocd spiral it’s making me question everything. All I know is for certain my intentions are never to harm or hurt or ANYTHING. But I guess I want to know I’m not a bad mom.

Anyone else feel like just going over the education of and examples of ERP with their therapist is a trigger in itself? Just talking about getting to my level 10 triggers eventually sent me into a spiral and I didn’t expect to get so anxious and emotional before I even made my fear/response list

My religious OCD is having a field day with Christianity. I grew up Catholic, although we were the type of family who only really went to church on holidays. It was just a knowing of our belief in Jesus, and trying to live morally good lives. Knowing that Jesus died for our sins. Then my OCD latched onto the idea of “willful sinning”, knowing something is a sin but doing it anyway. I am not a saint. I swear, I engage in sexual activity, I tell white lies occasionally, drink alcohol occasionally…. Much less than the typical person. I know these things are sins according to the bible. I feel like I do decently well and am a decently good person. But my OCD has decided that because I don’t 100% align with the teachings of the bible, I must be going to Hell. The worst part is I don’t even entirely feel guilty, which makes me feel like I’m just truly evil and want these things. No amount of reassurance feels like enough, it feels like unless God told me directly himself that I’ll never be able to let this go. I’m getting frustrated with religion, and with myself. It feels like no answer is right. You would think the fear would drive me into being a perfect person, but its not, and what OCD deems as “perfect” feels impossible to attain. What am I supposed to do? How can you feel peace with God, while you’re also supposed to fear Him? I feel like I’m not good enough for Him, and never will be.

Hey guys I need your opinion. Yesterday I went to the hospital because I was having a lot of pain in lower stomach/back. My fiancé was at work and I had asked him to come, because I didn’t want to be alone at the hospital. He said he didn’t want to leave work ( didn’t ask his boss if he could go) and he didn’t think it was “appropriate” to leave since it wasn’t an emergency. Later on, they couldn’t find anything on my CT scan or blood work. So they eventually discharged me. I was hurt because he wasn’t there when I needed him because I felt like he was more worried about work. He even said himself he didn’t think it was appropriate to leave work because it wasn’t an emergency. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset, I told him I needed the support of him being there because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and needed support. Please let me know if I’m in the wrong? In the past he had a few hospital trips and I was always there for him. Left work a few times just to be there and support him :/

I’m 6 weeks postpartum and struggling really badly with derealization/depersonalization. I genuinely feel like I look in the mirror or at photos of myself and don’t know who that person is. On some rational level I know it’s me but it truly doesn’t feel real and I just feel so disconnected and detached from myself. I know I shouldn’t try to seek reassurance but has anyone else ever experienced this? I feel like I try to explain it to my family and friends and they don’t really know what I mean. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening.

I saw this minor at the airport and I kept looking at him and I feel like a p because I thought he was attractive and I walked by him and was stomach was out so I felt like I did that to impress him and when I went outside his mom looked at me

One of my biggest fears and hardest struggles when writing music is to sing while playing guitar. I never feel like it’s right or how i hoped it would sound. I typically barely speak if anything at all, or mess up the rythm while trying to sing lol. Or i just don’t feel like I’m good enough, which is probably why i mumble or remain barely audible at best. But today, today is different. Today is the manifestation of the encouragement my therapist Leigh has given me, the freedom to express and learn about my person, the place to feel safe to express what i cannot otherwise. Through all of it, I’ve finally learned to just go for it, no hindrances, no blocks, just whatever comes out. Last night i wrote the music as if it was already there and waiting for me. Today i wrote the words as if they already belonged to the music. Today i gave my song a voice, my voice, and its beautiful that i finally get to say that. A lifetime of trying but always hindered and silenced. No matter what happens from here, i can finally say i did it!! I really did it🥹🥹🥹. Just wanted to say that, thank you for listening.

I read that this can be caused by chronic stress, anxiety, and can be an indicator that anxiety is getting worse. I'm really losing what little control I have over this. I really want to try medication but I'm just really scared of it. So is my family once they saw me trying to take it but was extremely against it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just waiting to see my therapist in hopes that things get better and that I'm my body just calms down.

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

first post on here in a bit so SORRY THIS IS LONG but basically about over a month ago i went out with my friends. everything was going great and we were having fun. it got to the point where we wanted a second round of drinks. my friend asked me if i could get his and he wanted a Narragansett. already i was like huh? i had no idea what that was but he pointed to the menu and showed me where it was. i repeated it over and over in my head so that when i get to the bar i can say it right. anyways i get up and go to order and i notice there’s a drink menu on the bar and im thinking to myself great i can just point to it and if i butcher it i can just say its one of the lagers. i go to check the menu and its not the same menu that we had on the table bc the drink wasn’t on it. now im freaking out and trying to remember what the drink was. anyways i order my drinks first — tecate and tequila shot — then im like can i get one more and then i say, “can i get a nagarrsett” (nay-ger-sett) immediately the bartender leans in and is like what? and kinda just stares at me (mind you he’s black) and then i kinda go umm is that not what it is? and then i immediately realize what that may have sounded like. now im scrambling to find an explanation and say it’s one of your lagers and he’s still like i have no idea what you’re talking about and then i try and grab the menu again and look through it and still can’t find it. my heart is literally racing, my face is so hot and the silence was so awkward. finally i see another menu out down the bar and rush to grab that and i point to it and try to pronounce it correctly (nay-rang-an-set) and then he kinda goes ohhhh and either lets out a sigh or a chuckle i don’t know i was so mortified. and then he goes on to tell me, “its actually pronounced narragansett” and i immediately put my hand to my head and say, “oh my god im so sorry” and im still so stuck on what just happened that i dont know if he said its ok or what not. he gives me my drinks and tells me my total and i literally just give him all the money in my hand and some more and tell him to keep it and run back to my table. now for the past month ive been convincing myself im a horrible person who deep down wanted to say a bad word and now i feel like a tainted person and that i can’t go back to the person i was before. my friends try to reassure me and being like, “ok first of all you didn’t say it” or “yeah it was awkward for a sec but like he probs forgot about it.” now im just reeling bc what normal person would say it like that and im going every single event in my life that proves im a horrible person. i feel like im waiting to be exposed for this and that all my values that i hold dear mean nothing bc of this. at this point i just don’t know what to do. i’m anxious all the time, im losing sleep, rarely eating, and most of all feel like i betrayed my friends and family and that they’re all distancing themselves from me bc of this. i feel like i need to be punished for what i did and that i can’t redeem myself or be trusted.

Ok...so I need help navigating a relationship I have. I met this guy in trade school bc he kept following me around to talk to me and so we became friends and we kept in contact after leaving the school. He occasionally visits for a few hours maybe a few times a year and most of our interactions are over text. That's essentially all the necessary background. 2 problems 1. This person once had feelings for me, which I did not return because I just didn't feel the same way. He jokingly called me cruel because of it and one of my loved ones even joked that I was racist for rejecting him. Now I can't stop thinking about those things, even though I'm 80% sure they weren't serious. I know I'm not cruel for not having caught feelings for him, and I was extremely careful to let him down as gently as possible and as soon as possible so as not to give false hope. I also know that his race was not the reason I didn't catch feelings. Regardless, these comments still stick in my head. 2. This person is draining to me unintentionally. Our senses of humor kind of clash and our conversations are stiff and awkward because we have little in common and can rarely find things to talk together about that aren't sad or about our relationships with people who treated us poorly. It doesn't feel natural even after years of talking. He doesn't seem to understand me half the time but will pretend to and I've noticed I avoid starting conversations with him when we're not in person, so neither of us are perfect to one another. Major views of ours are also conflicting as well, as in, I am not exactly accepted around this person as a non-binary person, and this person defends those who want my rights taken from me. This is political, and I don't like to break relationships over politics, but it ads this undercurrent of tension. This person is also often taking risks and getting into accidents, so even more stress there in worrying about his safety. Every time we talk, I feel a pit of anxiety in my stomach and I worry I'll hear of another accident. I have trouble understanding him and he has trouble understanding me as well. We both struggle to communicate with frequent misunderstandings and I'm unsure why. It stresses me out when I struggle to read his meanings and tone and because of that, I particularly misunderstand him a lot, especially over text. His levels of sarcasm and irony are often too advanced for me to interpret and so I don't know when he's joking vs when he's serious vs when he's upset. Because I have so much trouble telling his emotions and he's not the type of person you really open up to about stuff like that, it's hard to navigate so I get very stressed and anxious never knowing if my responses are socially appropriate to the mood of the conversation. This is really frustrating, because from what it seems, he's a great person and there is no reason why we shouldn't be friends. He's different from me and interesting and tells great stories that make for thoughtful conversations to follow, yet I often wish he would never contact me because of the stress, and that he would not like to visit me or leave sooner, and that makes me feel really evil and a terrible friend. Right now I feel like I'm talking behind his back too. It feels bad. And now my OCD wants to tell me that not only am I a bad friend and person for this, but also racist, because a friend put that idea in my head after I rejected his romantic advance. Idk how to feel about this and what to do moving forward. Why does being friends with him stress me out so much? I only ever felt this way with one other person, but that was in highschool, and because the person was extremely high energy and extroverted while I'm very much not. This guy is not as extremely extroverted. Just a risk-taker who likes to poke fun a lot and confuse people for giggles. Idk. I want to stay friends because he's done nothing wrong, and he's a good guy, but it's draining and overwhelming.

I have experienced OCD in many forms ... Self harm, harm if others, religion etc. But now it's targeting my relationship and honestly it's debilitating at times.. I'm always convinced my person is cheating. However my relationship has became toxic . When it's good it's good .. When it's bad it's very bad. I have OCD and I worry about these things and when I do he now becomes angry.. he won't reassure anymore. Which is fine that is his choice but the anger and the things he says when he is angry about me "not trusting" him have built a wall . I want to do my part in making the relationship work.. but is it really my fault he calls me out of me name because he feels untrusted.. If you name it I've been called it And is it really my OCD wondering if I should just leave because this person makes it so clear that they hate me when they are questioned by my insecurities and the need for reassurance. Constantly.. to the point in which they tell me ..along with many other things.. It's abuse .. But then really isn't my OCD abusing them .. Not trusting.. questioning where about.etc . I love them I'm doing my part to fix me.. But why if you love me the way you say do u not see that you need therapy and meds too .. The thing is... Is that he was in therapy and taking meds... And he was a completely different person... As soon as I started he stopped How can the unhealthy cycle be fixed if we are not both working to better ourselves not just for each other but for our own selves . I love him I want to work I want to try.. but even if I'm trying will it be enough for you to want to or see that the things you say when angry stick in my mind... Infact they play non stop because I know obsess over them too .. Thanks for letting me vent .. honestly there is no need to reply .. I know I'm staying in this relationship because I do love him so much.. but I do truly need him to work on his issues as well My partner I feel like also has OCD he went through months of questioning about my past, comparing himself to it etc.. It was exhausting trying to defend 20 years of previous partners, remember positions etc .. He's got anger issues and then he had that .. he seemed therapy went on meds and all of his issues stopped .. w a seldom insecurity about my past . He since stopped his therapy and meds . Anger is back .. Hasn't brought the past up too much but a few times it's came up . But I'm terrified to even mention my OCD .. because that's the only time he gets angry .. Is when I question the cheating or where abouts etc. Or when I don't accept his reassurance and still doubt him... Ughhh

I’m really, really spiraling, and I haven’t seen anyone talk about this. I think it might be something related to moral OCD. The topic of deportation is really getting to me, and I’m Latina myself. Anyway, I feel like people who are undocumented deserve to get caught and deported, and this is distressing me a lot. No matter how much I don’t want to agree with that, it feels like I do agree with it wholeheartedly. I think part of it is that if they weren’t undocumented, technically there wouldn’t be an issue, there wouldn’t be a problem, this wouldn’t be happening. I don’t know if this is stemming from anxiety or something else, but I feel like an awful person because I have people close to me who are undocumented, kind sweet loving people. I feel like I don’t know what to think. I see videos where people are mistreated, and it makes me so angry to see those power trips and the poor people who don’t deserve it. It just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now because this feels really, really important. I don’t know if anyone else has struggled with this or with other moral themes, and I feel scared because this feels so real. I don’t feel scared, I feel worried. I know that the distressed contradicts the thought, but I’m telling you it does not feel like that matters right now, not one bit and maybe that’s because I’m stuck on a technicality maybe it’s because it’s stemming from anxiety, but I really need input right now :( I feel like a monster reading this back, plis help

does anyone else struggle with both ocd and bipolar?