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the NOCD Community

I've been googling a lot lately, and realize I might have OCD. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I really think I have it. I was informed from here, that picking my skin can be a form of OCD. I often pick my lips, my fingers, my acne, and my scabs whenever I'm anxious or nervous. I know it's a mental problem, but it's getting to a point that I just can't take it anymore. I'm even picking at my scalp now, and always get nasty sores on it. My fingers and lips I still pick. But it isn't as bad as picking my acne, and scalp now. Does any one have any advice on what I can do to prevent it, or stop all together? It's so annoying at times. Medication doesn't work, and I can't afford to see a therapist right now. Thank you in advance.

Do any other Christians struggle with OCD thoughts that are like "how do I know God is the one true God? How do I know im believing in the right God? and how do I know im saved? How do I know im not faking it?" I keep trying to answer the thoughts with logic like "because Jesus is the only one that rose again etc" but it makes them worse and I worry im a fake Christian and not truly saved. Every day I struggle with fears of dying and going to hell cause I fear im not really believing and dont know how to know Im truly saved and how to know the God of the Bible is the right God to believe in. And I hate to just pawn it off as OCD only because its a pretty important thing to not be sure of. Please someone help

So I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster. I've been talking once again to the guy and today we discussed more serious things. He said he's overwhelmed and afraid of things because of his ptsd and it made me panic. We talked about intimacy because it's scary for both of us and we'll I thought he only been with 3 people max but he said he’s been with 6 people (all 3 years ago, all while very drunk, all experiences he hates and that left him with PTSD). My RJ brain heard “6” and exploded. I always knew I have a really hard line with “big” or “casual” pasts. I’ve always said I need someone with little-to-no experience because anything else makes me feel like I’m “late,” not special, just the “safe” choice after they’ve had everything they wanted. Even knowing his past was traumatic and unwanted, the number still feels unbearable. I cried for hours, felt disgusting, felt like I’m settling or being naive. He’s heartbroken that his past is hurting me. I’m heartbroken that I can’t just let it go. Logically I know: those 6 times gave him nothing he actually wanted he’s waited 3 years since the last one he’s literally telling me I’m his first person he feels happy around But my RJ keeps screaming “too many, too much, you’ll never be enough, you’ll always picture it, run before you get more attached.” I don’t want to lose him over a number. But right now the thought of intimacy with him makes me want to throw up because my brain won’t stop replaying that there were others. Has anyone with really strong “big past = dealbreaker” RJ ever managed to stay and work through it? How do you sit with the disgust and the images when the person is genuinely kind, regretful, and choosing you in a way they never chose anyone else? I feel like I’m fighting for my life against my own brain and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. Please send any tools, scripts, mantras, or hope you have. I’m drowning a little tonight. Thanks for reading. ♡

So im a non-black WOC and i would never ever use the n-word but sometimes a family member or maybe even a random person will say it if its in song lyrics etc. And it always jolts me because i know I should correct them every, but i never know how to. Often times, when I try to tell others not to use slurs, they're just dismissive and don't want to change. But it still bothers me to the point where I sometimes have panic attacks about it and then all these intrusive thoughts that im a horrible, racist person who deserves to d1e. This kinda triggered me today and i just feel awful bc i don't know how to broach the topic without being dismissed.

A few days ago at my school someone brought a weapon and got arrested, nobody was hurt (physically) but it really shook me up. I KNEW the person who brought it and he didn’t like me at all. I keep having intrusive visions of him killing me, and I’m scared to go back to school. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Like how to not be so stressed over it

Does anyone make themselves say intrusive thoughts in their head to see how it makes them feel or if they believe them? Like testing yourself ?

These past two weeks my intrusive thoughts about my fear of psychosis and going crazy have come back. There was times when I would start to be better than bam anxiety all over again and I’m just so scared cause it feels so real and scarier from the last time I had it. Yesterday I had a Friendsgiving and something triggered it so bad that I went down a rabbit hole of videos and I got the worst anxiety and couldn’t even eat dessert and that’s my favorite part of the whole night. I didn’t get much sleep and right now I feel like I actually may lose it and I’m not doing myself any good from lack of sleep. I just feel so alone and no matter how much I tell myself they’re just thoughts and letting myself sit with the uncomfortableness and fear and just can’t shake it off. I think I’ve better DP/DR and it’s not making the situation better but I’m past the point of anything giving me relief and am just so scared. I just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to who has ever gone through this like me. I just want to be okay and normal. I was doing good these past months and bam I’m hit with all these thoughts. Please tell me it gets better.

So i’m making this post because I need guidance and advice and I just don’t know what to do without feeling guilty and like a horrible person for this. so my bf(17m) and I(18F) have been dating online for a year and 4 months already. first off, we are very toxic and I know this and am aware. so is he because we had just spoken about it. we argue all the time and we always end up breaking up and getting back together and it’s always been messy, we just don’t really like to admit it sometimes as much as we think. doing this made me doubt this whole relationship because we’ve verbally abused each other and have said nasty things throughout the year however i always thought and hoped maybe it would work this time, because I love him and he’s considered my soulmate. we always had made plans to meet as he lives very far from where i’m from and never really couldn’t because of money and us being young and everything. not to mention I have doubts and intrusive thoughts and fear about the age gap. I know it’s only 1 year apart, but I can’t help feeling like i’m a pedo somehow or some kind of predator because he’s younger than me and that kind of thing kills me and makes me feel really old even despite being 18. I feel like i’m a creepy grown man preying on him and my therapist tells me it’s not that bad and just idk. those online discourses about it made it worse because when I was 18 for a couple months he was still 16 so that was genuinley making me paranoid and feeling like i’m doing something wrong. however I have more reasons as to why I don’t want to. so I have 5 dogs that have all been sick recently from extremely old age, and they could die at any given moment when I’m not home. At least that’s what I feel. I don’t feel secure when they aren’t around me and I know I have to let them go but I just can’t. a lot of pressure has been on my hands because also my parents. my parents know about him very well and given we always had horrible arguments, horrible breakups and times i’ve broken down and cried in front of my parents for this, they don’t have the best impression of him anymore. it could be being biased but when i explain to them what i’ve done too they tell me what he’s done and said is no excuse considering he’s been like that first. also not to mention in general they’re just strict asf even tho i turned 18 they still think im like a child so it’s hard for me to go out. so basically on christmas break he had asked his mother if he could buy a ticket to my city and something in me just froze and idk why. I started feeling really panicked and I genuinely don’t know why. this fear came over me but not in the “i’m so excited but so nervous to meet you” but more like a “I genuinley don’t want to see you right now.” I have too much on my hands and the one thing that’s worrying the most right now is my dogs. They mean the world to me and I keep thinking about how when they die when i’m not there I wouldn’t know how to move on with my life. but he thinks that was just an excuse. later on to say that he does understand and that he does care and he’s sorry about them. but my bf is also losing patience he said. and he was very angry at this and I don’t blame him. we’ve been dreaming about this forever but suddenly my mind comes to stop me and the huge possibilities come to my mind about what if we don’t hit it off? what if it’s awkward? he’s planing on staying 3 days alone and he hasn’t even planned any of this out which i told him about. what about hotel bookings and if they’ll even let you in? idk about him staying at my parents considering the situation…and i just feel like it’s overwhelming me especially since he argued with me for it. i feel like the worst person on earth for just backing out. what if i don’t even have feelings for him anymore….this night because of this i asked for some time and he asked for a break. so that’s what we’re doing. im worried on what to do and i don’t know how im gonna be able to go through with this. he tells me not to worry because he has money but that’s not all that’s on my mind and he thinks i’m just making excuses because “you don’t like me” and now that’s in my head and it’s like a manifestation and i’m terrified of it’s that too. This is my first post ever and I’m not sure if this is even the right thing to do but i just need help or just be blunt with me anything. idk what to do and idk if im ready but if i say that im just making excuses, am i? i’m just lost and I feel like i’m being pressured however reddit advice (didn’t post just researched) says it’s selfish and that i could be hiding something or being a catfish. he uses reddit too so im sure he’s gonna look this advice up and then think that’s what my intention is. idk what to do. and idk how to stop overthinking. idek if im being unreasonable but i do know that i really don’t want to go through with this for the sake of my dogs, my parents and if this relationship is even worth trying anymore.

Is nausea normal with ROCD? I could literally just be on a video call with my bf and I’m nauseous. I’m not even thinking about anything specific/no intrusive thoughts. So why am I nauseous? The nausea itself leads to anxiety. Why am I nauseous. Do I not love him? I just wrote him a small love letter cuz he’s having a hard time. Even being with him physically makes me nauseous when it never used to. I love being around him. I love cuddling. Smelling him. Sorry that sounds weird lol. But even touching him in certain places (mostly his chest) makes me worry I’m actually a lesbian and it’s finally breaking through and the nausea is a sign but I don’t think that’s the case. Lesbians don’t like men at all. I do. I enjoy his company romantically. I wanna go watch the sunset with him. Kiss in the rain. Cuddle under the sheets while it snows. Etc. and I enjoy having sex with him. Him specifically. I like touching his body during it I like looking at him. I don’t want it to end once we get going. With my anxiety and ocd it’s hard getting in the mood. Even if I mentally want to my body is like “no” and my brain is like “see. You’re not turned on.” Which reinforces the cycle. This is my first long term relationship so idk what I should be feeling. It’s hard to picture the future cuz I’ve never had to plan one with someone. I can kinda see an apartment. How we share holidays (interfaith) having friends and family over. Maybe we’ll be where we are now. Maybe we’ll be in another country (I wanna go to med school, I’m applying anywhere lol. Except the US. Naur). But like. Specifics are hard. I just know I want to drag him along with me lol (lovingly, I want him to be there. He makes life easy). Maybe my birth control is playing into this. I don’t feel things as intensely anymore. I’ve had it for like a year now. Anyways. I wanna see what the future holds for us but im terrified im gonna like leave him at the altar or smthn or randomly fall out of love. Im worried I already have cuz I’ve been randomly angry, not at him more at his situation, plans get interrupted, Ik it’s out of his control. He literally cannot afford the 3 prescription meds he needs nor a cpap machine for his sleep apnea (love the man but lord he snores like a train😭😭😭). He always makes it up to me. If he didn’t then we’d be having a different convo. I’m not used to being in a state of calm in dating. I’ve never planned to get engaged till him. I’m worried I’m wanting to get married and engaged just to have those things not cuz I wanna be with him. How can I tell the difference?

Adults only I'm just sick of this cycle of needing my phone again and again and again. I'm sick of bringing it with me everywhere I go. I'm sick of thinking about where it is endlessly when I put it somewhere I forget. I'm sick of having to use it to go to sleep. I'm sick of reassurance seeking. But above all else, I'm just so. So sick of porn. I'm so sick of watching it when I don't want to. I don't even enjoy doing it anymore. It's just so routine and it's just an escape from the life that I hate right now because of OCD. I just hate this so much. I hate being so attached to it for so many years. I hate the trauma that it brings me after seeing so many horrible things at a young age. I hate when I scroll to find the perfect video I see a lot of awful, gross shit that doesn't align with my morals and disgusting people uploading fictional minors and other characters. I hate that my mind is now being all like "Oh you want to see that and play it off" or go "why did you check if it was a minor, did you want to see that? Ew" when looking for the perfect video. I'm tired of escalating to the extreme videos. Someday I just wanna be in a relationship and have REAL love instead of being so hooked on this souless, rancid bullshit we call porn every single day. I hate the anxiety it brings me and I hate the sleepless nights it gives me. I hate that this never leaves my mind. It's pathetic. It's fucking lame. I hate that this is still bothering me so much and there are other peers in my life that aren't dealing with this, are in relationships, going to college, getting married, and I'm just stuck with this fucking OCD and this stupid porn routine. It makes me so angry and it makes me feel like a complete joke and a failure. I seriously hate this shit so much. So I'm gonna turn off my phone and just not use it for the night. I hate this so much and I just wish I could metaphorically kill it and never have it show up.

I feel really crazy because I know I need help and support but I don’t know who to work with because I feel like it’s an intersection between spirituality and mental illness and I don’t want someone to invalidate either perspective because I think both are important for like learning how to manage this in a healthy way does anyone have any tips or resources?

Can yall see my comment from before sometimes this app blocks me.

Does anyone else have the issue that your thoughts make it almost impossible to emotionally connect during sex? This happens often for me and it compounds my rumination tenfold for the next couple days because I’m so scared that I don’t actually love my boyfriend. Does anyone have any advice other than to just allow the thoughts to be there and focus on the present moment? Because that’s what I always try to do and sometimes I still don’t feel much emotionally and it’s one of the main things that makes me question my relationship because I’m not sure if it’s my anxiety making it impossible for me to have the proper hormone response or if it just means I don’t love my boyfriend.

As soon as I wake up, all the thoughts come rushing in. I try so hard to go back to sleep but I can't. I end up just laying there being swallowed up by my thoughts. It hurts. I feel like can't get out of bed until it slows down. Does anyone have any tips/advice how I can make this easier?

Feeling really discouraged today and wanted to update after my last post. I honestly thought I was starting to get better. I was having more moments where I felt the way I wanted to feel. The thoughts weren’t as intense, I felt happier, and I wasn’t feeling anxious around my boyfriend whether I was thinking of him or spending time with him. But right after I made that post, it’s like everything flipped. I woke up the next day and the last few days have been some of the worst. All the negative feelings came rushing back. When I think about my boyfriend now, it’s just fear, doubt, and that horrible “off” feeling again. I haven’t had any moments of clarity or relief just constant anxiety, nonstop thoughts, and doubts about everything. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared this isn’t OCD anymore, and that maybe this is just who I am now. I feel like I’ve lost the old me and I’m terrified I won’t get back to that version of myself. Just needed to share this because it’s been so heavy, and I’m hoping someone might relate or have been through a similar setback.

I feel like I have been slacking from my faith cuz sometimes it’s too much and stresses me out but that’s exactly what Satan wants is to not pray is much and being lazy. So I don’t really feel close to God but kind of feel less stressed but then stressed at the same time cuz I know I’m not putting in a lot of effort to spend time with the Lord.

Attraction first followed by immediate rush of anxiety and worry..

Adults only, no minors So I'm feeling more calm. I'm not as stressed as I was in the morning. Mentally I'm at the point where what I was watching that I felt crossed a moral line is something I shouldn't be watching in pornography, but it's also not necessarily bad to have these fantasies and attractive interests in celebrities. It's very wrong to have stuff like that he publicly shared because now it's on the Internet for everyone to see but I don't think it's bad if it's kept to one's self and not shown online at all. That is what fantasies are at the end of the day anyway. I still don't feel great that I escalated to that kind of stuff because it really does make me uncomfortable in that context but I am feeling better than I did earlier. I'm getting thoughts saying that I'm absolutely disgusting and I'm trying to shift blame but I'm in just gonna try and let it pass

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. I have struggled with OCD for likely the entirety of this relationship. It has been extremely hard. I have had many ups and downs with my anxiety and ocd and doubt. I’ve had a complete breakdown in front of my boyfriend on probably 6+ different occasions where I doubt everything and can’t hold in the anxiety. He has been supportive and patient and kind and loving throughout each one. Each time I promise I am going to figure it out, but each time I haven’t been able to. I have started therapy a couple times and each time it didn’t work out for a variety of reasons. I struggle with a large variety of intrusive thoughts largely focused on my side of the relationship (do I love him enough? My sexuality. Our compatibility. And constantly comparing him to others). I am 24 years old and this has been my first relationship, which has added to my anxiety and insecurity about not knowing enough. My whole life I have been hugely indecisive and a constant people pleaser. I feel I lack a true understanding of who I am and idk what I truly value because of this. I have always been one to go along with those around me and to be agreeable, kind of like a chameleon. This has left me lost and confused. I have always cared deeply of what others think of me and I have always strived to be viewed as perfect. Anyways, last week, I had a break down and it ended with me asking for a break. We decided we would give it one week of no contact, and then we would talk and decide the plan. Whether that be a longer break (6 weeks maybe? Or something else??) or we breakup, or we get back together. Anyways, I am still uncertain on what’s going to happen. But I am considering the break option. I feel I need to take some serious time learning about myself, learning about my core values, learning what it is I value for in a relationship, and reflecting. I need to work on my anxiety patterns and learn how to hear my own voice. I am looking for advice, I know a break is generally not recommended with rocd, but I feel I have already dug myself a hole as we are essentially one week into one. If I take a break, what can I do for it to be as productive, healthy, and healing as possible? How long should it be? Any advice? Is a break a bad idea? I don’t want to run from my anxiety. I want to grow and heal.

**“Let me tell you about myself and my experience with OCD and painful avoidance, and I want you all to share yours as well in return. So… about three years ago, my OCD became very mild, and after about a week it completely disappeared. I forgot about it and went back to my life. Then, three years later, it returned. I still remember the day it started—I had a thought, rejected it, and then the OCD hit me hard. After months, I discovered treatment, but at first I followed Jeffrey’s approach, and my condition got much worse. I was extremely terrified. I tried to get help, but I couldn’t find a good doctor at the time. I had exams and the pain was unbelievable. I would study a little, then panic, then cry, then study again. I told my mother, and she said it was just in my head and I could overcome it. She took me to a doctor, but it didn’t help back then. As the exams got closer, everything became harder. I was avoiding everything socially, I left my friend group, and I became completely alone. I used to sit by myself most of the time—studying, crying, stressing. I only felt better when I stopped studying, but then I couldn’t focus anymore because the OCD kept getting stronger. I wanted to quit school, but my mother forced me to continue. Then I found Dr. Emad Alzoubi, and I learned about exposure and response prevention. I started applying it, and things began to get better. I remember I couldn’t even leave the house before, I was terrified. But now… I’m going through a relapse again, and this time it’s really difficult. I developed social anxiety. I started fearing every little action because I’ve been criticized so much in my life. People always wanted to control me. I was never myself. I never had the chance to express who I really was. I became a fake version of myself. Even now at work, I get criticized by another girl who works with me. I started fearing simple things. I’m stressed, and the idea of working extra hours with her makes me anxious. I’m not playing the victim, and maybe no one even meant to hurt me, but today I feel lonely. I’m tired of being someone I’m not. I’m tired of feeling like a fake version of myself.”