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the NOCD Community

This is going to be really long so I apologize in advanced. Please read it if you have time though because I feel like I’m alone in this and was wondering if anyone feels the same. This is going to be super cheesy but it’s something I’ve struggled with a lot and I’m curious if anyone feels anything similar. I didn’t have the nicest of childhoods but I used to get this feeling of a mixture of contentment and excitement over the smallest things. Rain clouds would come in and I would feel something. The smell of autumn and watching snow fall meant something to me. Hanging out with friends felt more freeing and just being alone in general felt different. I used to feel comfortable and more secure. Which is odd because I did grow up in a abusive household, but I still got those feelings. Then a really traumatic event hit when I was 13 and I got really bad depression. I think I always had depression to some degree but it got really bad. I got angry first, then sad and then numb. I feel like I’m starting to come out of the numb part of it years later but in turn I’ve become more aware and I realize those feelings that I used to have are gone. Is this depression or is this just growing up? Because I feel like I’ve stopped living and now I’m only surviving. My chest used to feel a lot lighter and now it’s heavy. I used to feel more and I still feel emotion but I don’t get those feelings anymore (if that makes any sense). Is it always going to be like this? I’m grieving for this feeling like it’s a person, the idea of never feeling the same terrifies me. I want to feel like there is more to life than this. I feel so trapped in this constant state of numb. I hope this is just a part of depression and not a part of growing up because that would be more permanent.

Guys In half an hour I’m going to have a short trip with my mom. As per usual, these kind of trips used to be pleasurable but now, I feel like I won’t enjoy it because of my thoughts. I haven’t even gone yet, but I already feel the chest heaviness and a deep deep feeling of sadness. What can I do to improve my state?

My therapist recommended medication. I feel conflicted about whether going on medication is right for me. Does anyone have advice on how you decide medication was the right route for you? Also, has anyone had success with just therapy?

I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd before but for the past few months I’ve had this weird feeling that I am a stalker or there’s something seriously wrong with me even though I’ve never stalked anyone before. I just have this weird feeling like a gut feeling in my stomach that I am a really horrible person and I stalk people even though I don’t and I would never and I don’t have any intentions of doing it. Usually in the day if I’m preoccupied I’m fine but as soon as I’m distracted the thoughts come back and Im like what if I am a stalker or a really horrible person who wants to hurt people and there’s something wrong with me. What could this be?

A CRY FOR HELP I'm having a really tough time, and I just need some words of encouragement. My obsessions have gotten out of hand. I'm not gonna include them because don't feel like triggering anyone, but I'll give a brief overview of them. I have sensorimotor obsessions, intrusive thoughts, intrusive obsessions about my body movement, intrusive thoughts about sounds, intrusive thoughts about thoughts, intrusive thoughts about what if accepting my thoughts like how my research has taught me is "wrong", intrusive thoughts about reality, etc, etc, etc. I'm always on the brink of a panic attack and I don't even feel alive anymore. I just feel like a husk, a shell. I went to a CBT therapist a couple months ago but it's clear she doesn't have a clue about OCD and she wasn't much help. I was reluctant to get on meds but now I might think it might be the only option. I feel like my mind is in a cage. I'm never free, I'm never happy. The few brief moments I have of freedom is just robbed by one of my many many obsessions. Again, I just feel like a husk of a human. It's so hard to accept these thoughts sometimes, sometimes my brain just doesn't have the capacity to. Like it can't picture itself as something not in distress. If I'm being honest, I'm thinking about throwing the towel in, if you get what I mean. Everywhere I look online concerning ocd seems to say it's an endless pool of misery with no way out. Everywhere I look is another horror story about a crippled life and I feel like one of them. Somebody please give me some words of encouragement, something. Please please please. Struggling to hold on Including a trigger warning just in case I guess And I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm ok. Just want someone to give me a story of recovery, an example. Although I might have a bit of a reassurance/ research compulsion I need to get taken care of

I feel like I desire the thoughts but the thought makes me tense up and feel nauseous but it still feels like I want it, I just want it to stop I’m fed up.

I want to cry so bad. It hurts so bad. You have no idea how much it hurts and literally nobody here will understand because they dont have fucking creepy compulsions like I do

Hello, I have a 15 year old son who has been diagnosed with Trichotillomania last year. He does go to therapy for it and has tried different ways to help but it seems it has gotten worse. The doctor is now going to try some pills to help with it. I am a little hesitant about putting him on medication but since it is not got better, desperate to try anything. Anyone have good results with being on medication for this type of OCD? Trying everything I can do to help my boy. Plus if anyone else is experiencing this but dont want to say anything just read it will help them.

Guys I'm at rock bottom, my OCD has sabotaged me again. I cant see past it.

Here if anyone needs help!

I am really really struggling after leaving an intensive PHP/IOP program. I was there for 8 weeks and finished last Thursday. When I first left I felt like I made a lot of progress but now I’m doubting myself. I had my session with my outpatient therapist and she told me she wants me to do the top things on my hierarchy (my biggest fears are vomiting and needles/blood/fainting, so making myself vomit and getting a flu shot or blood work). I really don’t feel ready for either of those things. Talking about actually doing them brings my anxiety up to a 5. I don’t want to regress but I feel like this is pushing me too far. I can’t tell if I’m avoiding or if this genuinely is too fast for me. I just feel like I’ve had OCD for 20 years and I’m not ready to confront those major steps yet. I feel like I would rather die than do either of them. The whole thing is making me doubt that I made any progress at all.

Exposure is hard. I mean, seriously a thing that I have tried so much before but every time I’m distressed. Tips for helping me deal with the initial/lingering worry/ies?

So does anyone know how dissociation gets Better? At this point I'm afraid of losing myself and not being the same. I don't want to be like this forever but I understand it's intrusive thoughts that flare it up

I may have to be hospitalized because of my ocd... any tips on what to expect? ?

Hey guys, I recently had to return home from abroad due to a relapse. A bunch of things went wrong (outside of my control) when I was abroad which may have resulted in the relapse. ( I was stressed but still challenged my OCD triggers). I would always encourage people to challenge their fears but I'm angry at myself for challenging mine during a stressy time because I feel like its made me worse as a result. How do you guys cope with ruminating on the past and over past decisions? Ie. I'm angry for going abroad and so on. I just cant let myself off the hook, I also cant seem to move on because I'm caught up in worrying I'm a bad person and I'm also dealing with false memories. As you can see I'm in a bit of a mess over this! Thanks for reading this far ?

Anybody have harm OCD the fear of hurting someone? I have really bad anxiety so I freak out about everything.

I know this is kind of seeking reassurance but how do I know that I’m not just scared of what people will think of me.

For my fellow christians: This is reaaally beside the topic but i have to get it of my chest. Okay so like i really wanna be excited for jesus to retun but damn that makes me sooooo anxious. When i imagine it it makes me scared an di know u should be excited and so happy and u should be wanting it but as much as i force myself to feel thst all i feel is extreme anxiety and sometimes i habe a whole panic attack because of it snd i dont want to feel it it makes me feel like i will go to hell for it and i always wanna do better but i just cant and i dont even take the time to read the bible and if i loved jesus i would do that but im too lazy and focussed on otber things and idk it sll makes me so anxious

***extremely triggering for those with hocd/tocd*** .................. My boyfriend told me a true story last night that triggered me so badly that I felt like I was going to pass out. He said that it was about an effeminate gay man from the 50s who despite having a cattle rancher father who was accepting of him, he wasn't able to accept himself. I guess his dad caught him cross dressing and his father said that it was ok and that that's just you and you'll never be able to change it. The dude was like no, I don't want to be this way and tried really had to be really masculine and pretend that he was straight and his dad told him to stop pretending and to just accept who he is. A story like this would have made me happy in the past, but now hocd has me thinking what if I'm just like that guy in the story and I'm not able to accept myself as a lesbian. I started crying and had an internal panic attack and I disassociated. My boyfriend kept asking me what was wrong and if there was anything specific on my mind that I wanted to talk about. I really wanted to tell him about hocd, but I feel like I should wait a few months until after the holidays so that if he doesn't take it well, I don't ruin Christmas for him. I'm so sad because I had a really great time with him the past few days. I'm 100% attracted to him, but my brain keeps saying that that's only because he is sexually relevant and not because I'm straight. I'm heart broken that such a happy story could completely destroy me.

Do you ever just try to be relatable to someone who hasnt hocd and ur like omg do ever feel like u jusr dont enjoy life anymore and im done im soo not happy and sad all the time but u know damn wellnits because hocd and they litteraly would be like uhhhh, sis u depressed and then im like why tf am i trying to convince myself that its normal and that the feelings i have are natural and human. Theyre not its hocd and its just not normal to have it and its not a common thing to happen to a lot of people so its not weird that i feel like this if i make sense. Im trying so hard to normalize my feelings just so i can convince myself theres nothing wrong with me but there deadass is a lot wrong and it has a reason. How tf do i want myself to relate to someone who doesnt have hocd bevause they wont relate and that’s logical. Idk if i make sense its hard To explain but its like i try so hard to be normal and i try to make people feel related to my problems so i csn convince myself its not hocd and i just be having normal people problems but its like the whole ass reasom why i feel like this is because of hocd. If i didnt had hocd i wouldnt feel like this knowwhatimean. Thats the problem but i try so hard to avoid that hocd is the problem i want normal people to relate to my problems even tho they dont have hocd so that i can be *normal* again. Ugh i need me some therapy