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Is it normal to feel suicidal, but I wouldn’t even do it, I hope. I don’t like these thoughts.

I really need help. I’m a transgender male who is obsessed with the idea of actually just being a cisgender female who is delusional. I know I’m not a girl, I have always felt male. But when I reassure myself by telling myself things, this is what happens: Reassurance: I love my new male body. I hated my body as female YOU HATE YOUR NEW MALE BODY/LOVE YOUR OLD FEMALE ONE What? No I don’t. CLEARLY YOU DO SINCE YOU JUST HAD THE THOUGHT. but that wasn’t even my thought! My first initial thought was the exact opposite! I just want to be male again in peace. STOP TAKING TESTOSTERONE BIRTHNAME. YOU SHOULD DETRANSITION BIRTHNAME (detransition is my biggest fear. It wasn’t until I read about it and heard others talking about it and I haven’t been able to relax since) But I actively love taking testosterone. YOU HATE TAKING TESTOSTERONE No! Taking testosterone makes me feel gorgeous and happy I regret ever having been born female. I wish I had just been born male. Though I can’t really regret what I can’t control. YOU REGRET TAKING TESTOSTERONE BIRTHNAME, YOU JUST CANNOT ADMIT IT. AND IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY REGRETTED YOUR TRANSITION, YOU WILL I have a gorgeous male body. I’m a handsome young man. YOU SHOULD KEEP TAKING TESTOSTERONE ROLAND. JUST BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL MALE SELF. ITS OBVIOUS ITS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. that is true, but what if it isn’t because I’ve already heard these other thoughts?What ifI’m making up my own happiness? What if I’m actually just a messed up woman and just lying to myself to cope? YOURE JUST A HIDEOUSLY UGLY WOMAN NOW My OCD is ruining my life. Being trans sucks. SO STOP BEING TRANSGENDER. STOP TAKING T, TESTOSTERONE IS PROBABLY WHAT IS RUINING YOUR LIFE. At least it’s saying “your” and not “my” TESTOSTERONE IS RUINING/HAS RUINED MY LIFE What?!? But I only feel good as male and wish I hadn’t ever been born female! My mental heath is only good when I feel like I’m a real man. THATS A LIE. WHY ARE YOU DELUDING YOURSELF LIKE THIS? But I have always felt male NO YOU HAVENT BIRTHNAME. YOURE MAKING/YOU HAVE MADE THIS WHOLE THING UP But I was dysphoric as a female and I hate thinking about “her.” NO YOU WERENT. THAT WAS ALL MADE UP. YOUR LIFE IS A LIE. REMEMBER “TEENAGERS ARE GIVING THEMSELVES GENDER DYSPHORIA” (an article talking about the detransitioners)YOUVE GIVEN/ARE GIVING YOURSELF GENDER DYSPHORIA!!! But I was miserable and dysphoric as FEmale. I didn’t make all that up and I genuinely don’t feel dysphoric as male YES YOU DO/DID. But I just want to be male in peace. THEN YOU SHOULD KEEP TAKING/QUIT TAKING TESTOSTERONE what???? STOP WANTING TO BE MALE No! STOP NOT WANTING TO BE FEMALE No! STOP NOT WANTING TO BE MALE I did that one though... all I want is to be male. It’s incredibly important to me STOP WANTING TO BE FEMALE again, I DID that. I do not want to be female!! The only thing that makes me feel good is taking testosterone and being a man. I love being a hot guy But What if I’m just saying that because...XYZ? I wish I’d never have these thoughts. I’m losing my valued male identity. YOU SHOULD STOP PRETENDING TO BE MALE I don’t want to stop “pretending to be male” if that’s what I’m doing YES YOU DO. YOU JUST CANT ADMIT IT BECAUSE YOURE A NARCISSISTIC WOMAN BIRTHNAME (my ex was an abusive narcissist and it really messed me up) If I can’t be male in peace I will kill myself JUST BE MALE THEN that’s what I’m trying to do!!! In peace!! I love my new male body. I feel euphoric as male NO YOU DONT YOURE LYING. JUST DETRANSITION But that thought makes me absolutely PANIC and SICK. And you just told me to be male? THEN JUST BE MALE. YOU ARE MALE. But why did I just hear that I shouldn’t be “doing this” then? BECAUSE YOURE NOT MALE. YOURE A DISGUSTING CISGENDER WOMAN WHO IS FAKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE SHE CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH/WANTS ATTENTION But I’ve felt this way FOREVER and feel great as male NOPE. THATS A LIE. But I want to be male!! THEN BE MALE. JUST STAY MALE ROLAND. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING TESTOSTERONE *hopefully* Really? NOPE. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TAKING TESTOSTERONE. STOP WANTING TO TAKE TESTOSTERONE. At least you admitted that I want to be taking it. But why can’t I just be the happy guy I was before this cycle got bad? BECAUSE YOURE NOT MALE ANYMORE. YOUVE LOST HIM No I haven’t, he always comes back, and I love being ma... (interrupts) FEMALE!!! I’m going INSANE!!! I read things, certain statements that I internalize. I know in moments of clarity that they are irrational but this is getting out of hand. I just want to feel like I’m male again al the time. I hate the idea of not being male, I do not want to be female and I’m terrified this means I’ll have to go back. PLEASE help me.

How do you guys deal with depersonalization as a result of existential OCD? I normally go through phases of OCD tendencies, and my last one was centered on ROCD - I guess the distress of that theme has caused me to dissociate whenever the intrusive thoughts get too much. It just hurts when I look at my boyfriend (or even other people around me new) and my brain tells me they’re not real, or I don’t know them at all. I’m not sure how to experience it without simply crying. Any help would be appreciated.

How do you know God exists

How do I calm down?

Absolutely mental what ya brain can create isn’t it 1 min. U feel normal and next it’s like ur just existing in another realm

Someone plz plz respond! I want to actually throw up. I never thought this day would come. I did something in my past that I feel so guilty about and has convinced me I'm bi and I posted about it in a forum. Then this one person said I was bi and it was the root of my sexuality and that I feel guilty about it. :( I literally am sitting here heart racing and shaking. I want to crawl into a hole and die.

I'm now obsessed with the idea that I'm somehow repressing my true sexuality and that I have to "accept it", but the acceptance part isn't real acceptance it's digging and prying at my brain and trying to find proof that I'm a lesbian, when I know in reality that I'm not. My brain literally feel like it's going on a witch hunt and destroying everything in it's path. What do I do? I wish I had a better way to put this into words, but I'm really bad at that.

This is going to be really long so I apologize in advanced. Please read it if you have time though because I feel like I’m alone in this and was wondering if anyone feels the same. This is going to be super cheesy but it’s something I’ve struggled with a lot and I’m curious if anyone feels anything similar. I didn’t have the nicest of childhoods but I used to get this feeling of a mixture of contentment and excitement over the smallest things. Rain clouds would come in and I would feel something. The smell of autumn and watching snow fall meant something to me. Hanging out with friends felt more freeing and just being alone in general felt different. I used to feel comfortable and more secure. Which is odd because I did grow up in a abusive household, but I still got those feelings. Then a really traumatic event hit when I was 13 and I got really bad depression. I think I always had depression to some degree but it got really bad. I got angry first, then sad and then numb. I feel like I’m starting to come out of the numb part of it years later but in turn I’ve become more aware and I realize those feelings that I used to have are gone. Is this depression or is this just growing up? Because I feel like I’ve stopped living and now I’m only surviving. My chest used to feel a lot lighter and now it’s heavy. I used to feel more and I still feel emotion but I don’t get those feelings anymore (if that makes any sense). Is it always going to be like this? I’m grieving for this feeling like it’s a person, the idea of never feeling the same terrifies me. I want to feel like there is more to life than this. I feel so trapped in this constant state of numb. I hope this is just a part of depression and not a part of growing up because that would be more permanent.

Guys In half an hour I’m going to have a short trip with my mom. As per usual, these kind of trips used to be pleasurable but now, I feel like I won’t enjoy it because of my thoughts. I haven’t even gone yet, but I already feel the chest heaviness and a deep deep feeling of sadness. What can I do to improve my state?

My therapist recommended medication. I feel conflicted about whether going on medication is right for me. Does anyone have advice on how you decide medication was the right route for you? Also, has anyone had success with just therapy?

I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd before but for the past few months I’ve had this weird feeling that I am a stalker or there’s something seriously wrong with me even though I’ve never stalked anyone before. I just have this weird feeling like a gut feeling in my stomach that I am a really horrible person and I stalk people even though I don’t and I would never and I don’t have any intentions of doing it. Usually in the day if I’m preoccupied I’m fine but as soon as I’m distracted the thoughts come back and Im like what if I am a stalker or a really horrible person who wants to hurt people and there’s something wrong with me. What could this be?

A CRY FOR HELP I'm having a really tough time, and I just need some words of encouragement. My obsessions have gotten out of hand. I'm not gonna include them because don't feel like triggering anyone, but I'll give a brief overview of them. I have sensorimotor obsessions, intrusive thoughts, intrusive obsessions about my body movement, intrusive thoughts about sounds, intrusive thoughts about thoughts, intrusive thoughts about what if accepting my thoughts like how my research has taught me is "wrong", intrusive thoughts about reality, etc, etc, etc. I'm always on the brink of a panic attack and I don't even feel alive anymore. I just feel like a husk, a shell. I went to a CBT therapist a couple months ago but it's clear she doesn't have a clue about OCD and she wasn't much help. I was reluctant to get on meds but now I might think it might be the only option. I feel like my mind is in a cage. I'm never free, I'm never happy. The few brief moments I have of freedom is just robbed by one of my many many obsessions. Again, I just feel like a husk of a human. It's so hard to accept these thoughts sometimes, sometimes my brain just doesn't have the capacity to. Like it can't picture itself as something not in distress. If I'm being honest, I'm thinking about throwing the towel in, if you get what I mean. Everywhere I look online concerning ocd seems to say it's an endless pool of misery with no way out. Everywhere I look is another horror story about a crippled life and I feel like one of them. Somebody please give me some words of encouragement, something. Please please please. Struggling to hold on Including a trigger warning just in case I guess And I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm ok. Just want someone to give me a story of recovery, an example. Although I might have a bit of a reassurance/ research compulsion I need to get taken care of

I feel like I desire the thoughts but the thought makes me tense up and feel nauseous but it still feels like I want it, I just want it to stop I’m fed up.

I want to cry so bad. It hurts so bad. You have no idea how much it hurts and literally nobody here will understand because they dont have fucking creepy compulsions like I do

Hello, I have a 15 year old son who has been diagnosed with Trichotillomania last year. He does go to therapy for it and has tried different ways to help but it seems it has gotten worse. The doctor is now going to try some pills to help with it. I am a little hesitant about putting him on medication but since it is not got better, desperate to try anything. Anyone have good results with being on medication for this type of OCD? Trying everything I can do to help my boy. Plus if anyone else is experiencing this but dont want to say anything just read it will help them.

Guys I'm at rock bottom, my OCD has sabotaged me again. I cant see past it.

Here if anyone needs help!

I am really really struggling after leaving an intensive PHP/IOP program. I was there for 8 weeks and finished last Thursday. When I first left I felt like I made a lot of progress but now I’m doubting myself. I had my session with my outpatient therapist and she told me she wants me to do the top things on my hierarchy (my biggest fears are vomiting and needles/blood/fainting, so making myself vomit and getting a flu shot or blood work). I really don’t feel ready for either of those things. Talking about actually doing them brings my anxiety up to a 5. I don’t want to regress but I feel like this is pushing me too far. I can’t tell if I’m avoiding or if this genuinely is too fast for me. I just feel like I’ve had OCD for 20 years and I’m not ready to confront those major steps yet. I feel like I would rather die than do either of them. The whole thing is making me doubt that I made any progress at all.

Exposure is hard. I mean, seriously a thing that I have tried so much before but every time I’m distressed. Tips for helping me deal with the initial/lingering worry/ies?