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Long silence, then crying over something trivial🌷.

i feel like i have always been hyper focused? ig on like if people think im attractive. i have a bf so it makes me feel horrible like it makes me feel like iw ant to impress. and i mean i like when girls think im pretty too but since im not attracted to girls, my ocd does not focus on it. its the guys it focuses on. like i dont really act and try to get attention purposefully, like i dont dress up for men, but when i post a selfie where i look pretty i always feel like i am posting it for people to find me attractive. like if a guy likes the pic for some reason i feel good ab myself? also one time years ago i was in a gc w my female friend and her guy friend and i was out thrift shopping and i sent a mirror pic of myself. and at the time i didnt have ocd as bad but i was like you just wanna send that so he can see ur attractive but i kept telling myself “no thats not it idc if he does i have a bf” but i feel like i lied to myself bc i didnt want that to be true bc when i was single i did seek validation. but like if a guy ever messaged me to hit on me i never entertained it to get attention. and ive never like asked guys while in a relationship if theh thought i was attravtive or tried to get them to say it. its more so it feel like i want them to “think” it not actually say anything, cus if they did i would reject them.but then again one time i posted a tiktok i looked good and i was looking at the likes and i feel like i was specifically looking for the likes from guys or noticed the ones from guys more. ik im not a cheater or anything as i have never cheated. basically i just hope this doesnt mean i seek validation or attention because your partner’s validation anf attention shoulf be enough. does anybody relate?

I spoke to my therapist yesterday like I mentioned in past posts, I was unable to complete the testing but got the majority of the way through it. From what I've gathered, my therapist believes my symptoms are CPTSD and that a diagnosis of OCD would be a disservice to me as the treatment would only be beneficial in the short term. I do not think I agree with him. I do not have trauma surrounding every obsession I have, not even most of them. I can understand his logic behind some of them, but not all. He also seems to have ignored certain obsessions, focusing only on contamination and health related obsessions, and ignoring somatic obsessions/compulsions which are the ones that bring me the most distress and take up most of my time, which I emphasized to him. I understand CPTSD is complex and can show up as many things, and I do not disagree that that may be part of my mental health challenges, but I found his logic dismissive and wonder if I should seek a second opinion from someone who specializes in OCD.

When you get this badge NOCD invites you to look back on the changes you’ve noticed on your recovery journey and share them with our community. I want to share some things I’ve learned. I guess the change I want to share is I’ve done and am doing the hard things and can offer advice now rather than feeling hopeless alone scared and lost. I’m glad I’m still here if I’m brutally honest because at first I didn’t know what was going on and just knew I couldn’t continue to live like that. So thank you me, NOCD, this community, my wife and daughter, etc. First, you’re the expert on you - you’re the only one inside your body who knows what’s going on inside you - so advocate for yourself. I know trusting yourself at first feels impossible and with OCD is more complicated but it is a process so as you grow more confident know that you can change your therapist by contacting member advocates, your hierarchy - talk with your therapist, seek recovery information in support groups etc, medication under a provider’s guidance may need adjusting too. I thought these things were set in stone for a while but they’re dynamic and can change throughout the process just like you do. Second, when you reach conqueror status you’re going to have a lot of feelings and questions about it. For instance, I think we’re afraid sometimes to say feeling nervous about a big change is normal because we care about and don’t want to reassure each other. However I think it’s not ocd when it’s a normal thing to be nervous about, it’s human and it is a big change. OCD can latch onto it like anything else but being nervous isn’t always OCD. Remember to live in the gray not black and white. Third, living the B- (good enough not OCD perfect) ERP lifestyle is good for future you and to continue all the progress you’re making here. So when it gets hard ask yourself “is it worth facing the fear for you?” And I hope that answer is yes. I have come to think of it as a way of taking care of myself now as weird as it sounds (facing the fear). And therapists don’t all get trained in ACT but utilize the blog posts here like: https://www.treatmyocd.com/search/Value Because in my opinion ERP in it’s own without the values over fears piece is like climbing Mt. Everest without any climbing gear or a coat. Find your why for doing ERP. it helps you choose your values over your fears on those really tough daeys It’s been hard 2 take in this badge. I know it’s an accomplishment and I’m proud of myself. The reality is I’m having a bit of a spike this week so of course OCD has something to say about the truth and validity of this. It’s a little hard to take in also because I’m getting used to a new autism adhd late diagnosis and life stresses. But to myself and all of us I want to say congrats and keep up doing the hard work! “It’s a beautiful day to do hard things.” (Kimberly Quinlan) and like I learned from Mackenzie and Alex in support groups “you got this.”

My OCD has been horrible lately because I dropped out of college (it was a field I didn't want to be involved in anymore, and I burned out) and had to move back home after 8 years of barely surviving (I moved out at 16, which was a bad idea to begin with but I digress). One of my biggest themes is independence and doing things perfectly, so you can imagine how triggering my situation is. I'm slowly easing into taking university courses online at the moment and education is another theme of mine, so even more triggers there. I think I'm getting better at identifying thought loops, detaching from them and accepting uncertainty (or in my case imperfection and unpreparedness). Even if it's uncomfortable and scary I don't want to keep letting ocd control me. It burned me out once, I don't want it to happen again. The OCD has been so severe for about two-three years now where I get awful muscle cramps and heart palpitations from it. Even if I can disengage from the thought cycles I often end up with excruciating pain in my arms, shoulders and sometimes my legs. Sometimes it even turns into groinal responses and I start having stabbing pain in that area. The only way to make it stop for me is to fully uproot myself and go lay down in bed. I was just playing some games at my desk, trying my best to "I don't care" all the thought loops that kept popping up + gently focus on the game instead of whatever nonsense my brain was recycling. I managed pretty well all things considered, but the muscle tension took me out. If anyone has any advice on managing muscle tension in particular, I'd like to hear.

Hello friends! I am having a rough day today anticipating my therapy session because we have had about a week since my last on and I have not done any exposures in that time. I’m feeling very disappointed in myself and afraid of my therapist being disappointed too. There was nothing all that different about this week and making time for exposures has always been hard for me. Contrary to the OCD stereotype, I have very little self-imposed routine, either healthy or unhealthy. My days are structured almost entirely by external factors like work and seeing my fiance daily. Even my bedtime and wake up times are inconsistent and messy at best. I don’t know if that is caused by OCD or if I have other things affecting me, but not doing the things I intend to do (like exposures or other things that take effort and focus) makes me feel really down about myself. I want to know if anyone else has this issue and how you overcome it. I struggle a lot with doing tasks without stimulation (Youtube/TV) or external pressure, even simple things like getting ready for bed. I would love any advice you all can give on this!

hey guys, it’s been a while since I posted. I need some help right now. I’m crying because I made a stupid fucking action earlier. there was a (what I assume) stray cat outside my garage & my brother let me know. we went to go look at it & it was meowing a bit. I eventually fed it & then picked up the can once it was done. my dumbass was curious to see if they could smell the cat bc I saw a few hair strings attached to the can so I set it down on the floor. my boy sniffed it & was just examining. I grabbed my girl to sniff it & she then started growling. my fucking stupid ass was like “oh?” & watched her sniff it again & that’s when she freaked out & lashed on my boy and they fought & it was scary. my brother and I separated them & they fought again when my boy came into my room as my girl was in there. I’m so scared. I’m regretting ever doing that. I’ve been looking online for ways to make it better. I think I have to officially reintroduce them bc it was a nasty fight. the stray cat is black and my boy is also black. so I think my girl either thinks my boy is the stray but what has me confused is that my brother goes to his friend’s house often and the friend has a cat. he usually comes back home with that cat’s fur and cuddles with our cats and nothing has happened. I’m guessing it has to do w/ that stray cat that roams around the neighborhood sometimes. I grabbed a sock from my drawer and gently opened my bedroom door to rub my boy & let my girl sniff it. nothing happened. she was fine. I rubbed the sock on my girl and let my boy sniff. nothing happened. my boy rlly wanted to enter and so I was vigilant and he was walking slow into the room. my girl was grooming herself on my bed. she noticed him and he saw her. then she started growling again and my boy sprinted out the room. I’ve been looking at posts on reddit & this is prolly called “redirected aggression” & it’s all my fault. I’m scared they won’t ever get along. they weren’t besties but they weren’t fighting 24/7. they tolerated each other ig. I have photos of them sleeping together. they groom each other. but sometimes they might swat at each other afterwards. i’m so scared I messed up their relationship. looking at the posts online, a couple people have had to rehome their cats bc some wouldn’t get along. I’m thinking of talking to a cat behaviorist to help me out bc I’m scared. so many thoughts. the thought of rehoming either of them is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to do. I have class tomorrow but I’m over here stressing at 4 am. I’m trying to calm down. anything but rehoming. please, I want them to be ok. it can take a month but please, I don’t want to let either of them go. i’m gonna put a youtube video on to help me relax. as far as I’ve had them, they are sweet babies. they don’t fight all the time. I’ve been lacking lately on not giving them stimulation bc of fucking rumination. but I’m not gonna let it happen again. I’m gonna be there for them. it’s fucking hard when dealing with fatigue but I will do it for them. god, I just hope for the best. I feel like a bad cat mama. this is my first time and I feel like a wreck. I don’t want to ruminate on these thoughts right now. too much. my girl is on my bed and my boy is sleeping out in the living room unfortunately. but it’s for the best right now. I want to sleep well even though this happened. literally, we sort of have a morning routine and they don’t fight every time they see each other. ugh. I will go sleep now. will put a youtube video on. sweet dreams everyone 🫂

Settle in and buckle up😊 THANK YOU for reading about my journey with exposure therapy for the last 2 years! I hope that you are able to see a bit of yourself in my story and that this brings you excitement and hope for what’s to come in your own journey❤️ Before I started treatment, my world was a very small place. I was house bound for over a month, wasn’t able to feed myself most days, couldn’t think clearly enough to succeed at work or hold a conversation, was isolated from all of my friends and loved ones and was trapped in my own head unless I was sleeping or inebriated. I had never felt more alone, was crying/having panic attacks every morning, and nobody knew that I was struggling. As a 25 year old woman with extreme people pleasing, I was an EXPERT at pretending to be ok.. IYKYK😉 There was very little that didn’t terrify me and things that had once brought me joy didn’t even feel like an option for me anymore. I got to the point where I didn’t even want more for myself because I truly couldn’t see a path to get there. It felt silly to wish for that. I had fully accepted that a life of comfort through extreme avoidance was all that was left for me. Over the last 2 years of exposure therapy, the biggest thing I’ve continued to prove to myself over and over again is that the world is not a scary place that I need to hide from and that I am WAY stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. This was not a smooth journey by any means… I’ve had just as many downs as ups and there will be more challenging times ahead with every new life transition. But throughout this whole time, I’ve learned to be patient with myself and my OCD. Every single time you prove yourself wrong, you build that muscle. That muscle doesn’t go away regardless of whether you have setbacks or feel like you’re regressing on paper at times💪🏼💪🏼 I’ve learned to think of my intrusive thoughts as a separate person (Jessica): an overbearing and overprotective roommate living in my head that I had to learn how to coexist with. She’s got serious boundary issues and has a messed up way of showing that she “cares about me”. I used to fight what she’d tell me with compulsions, immediately act on every doubt she put in my head, and fully entertain every worry she expressed to me as though it was fact. She really knew how to get to me where it hurt the most. I realized that she’s not all powerful and all knowing and that she (my intrusive thoughts) doesn’t deserve my time, energy and attention. When she pulls the fire alarm in my brain, instead of immediately thinking 🚨EMERGENCY🚨, I’m able to notice her acting up without emotion and can hear her out without covering my ears, usually roll my eyes, say “thanks for the input”, and then carry on with what I was doing. 👉🏻THE ONLY WAY I WAS ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE FIRE ALARM WASN’T REAL WAS BY RETRAINING MYSELF THROUGH EXPOSURE THERAPY. Don’t get me wrong, the intrusive thoughts still pop up in sneaky and different ways, but its second nature to identify them and NOTHING Jessica says can get a rise out of me like it used to. THAT is TRUE POWER. I don’t feed my OCD anymore and my intrusive thoughts have grown quieter and far less talkative. This has left a lot more room for me to rediscover some of the things that used to bring me joy: like hosting, socializing, and bringing new people together. I’ve also been able to push myself in the ways I want to and have discovered new things I’d never imagined I’d be capable of doing or would enjoy. Here are JUST A FEW of the things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be able to say: ✅I can enjoy the warm weather and feel the sun on my skin. ✅I can go to swimming/to a pool party. ✅I can wear outfits that bring me joy AND what I’m most comfortable in. ✅I am able to go on bad dates (and some good ones!!). ✅I am able to have sex with new partners. ✅I can host people in my space again without anxiety. ✅I can go dancing and try new things with friends. ✅I can say yes to spontaneous plans and do what I want to without needing to plan/prep around my compulsions. ✅I can and have made new friends. ✅I truly like where I live and don’t avoid certain spaces in my house. ✅I can make a joke, assert a boundary, and say whatever comes to mind without the fear of hurting others. ✅I’m not afraid of having kids one day (due to post partum OCD) ✅I am confident in myself, my sexuality, my values, and my worth as a person, regardless of what my OCD or anyone else tells me. The last one has become truly UNSHAKABLE for me. Over the last 2 months, I’ve gone through some of THE MOST uncertain moments of my life in which many of my worst fears actually did come true‼️but because of the past 2 years of hard work, I’ve been so much more equipped to handle these situations as they come, lean into the uncertainty, and habituate through the discomfort. Despite all of these setbacks, I’ve truly conquered my OCD and know without a doubt that you can as well. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you!! I hope this resonated with you… I didn’t recognize I was making significant progress until about a year into this, so keep it up regardless of where you’re at. Let my story be evidence that it does get better🫶🏻

I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting...

Im not my best friends best friend. He said he doesn't really do that but im definitely top 3. Him saying that made me feel like im being stabbed. I can't help but wonder if I picked a bad best friend or if oir relationship is unhealthy. My ROCD is now a hot hot mess and therapy I just had therapy so I can't deal with it there until next week. Please help! My heart hurts really bad!

Been stressing over my salvation all day bc I don’t fast I’m afraid I’m being disobedient from God and that’s why I’m struggling so much with food and family and all the things bc if if I don’t then one cycles won’t be broken but then I am like idk what to go down all the rabbit holes and then I feel like it’s not going to work and I’m scared I’m deliberately sinning and then I’m not saved then at work someone gave me a pamphlet of the Jesus story and accepting I’m from some Baptist church so idk if that implying some sign or I’m doomed

Little me had these quirks like •following rules to a T •Making my parents bed •Having an organized room Please vent I crave the stories

I’m so pissed off from something that happened yesterday. I am looking for extra credit for my psychology class and so I look on the syllabus. NOTE: I LOOKED ON THE FREAKING SYLLABUS. I didn’t ask the professor first. I didn’t ask the TA first. I looked on the goddamn syllabus. On the syllabus it says, “Click on the link to sign up for extra credits.” And so I do… the link didn’t work. “Is it my computer I wonder? Maybe.” I try clicking on it a few more times. I think I even exited out and then came back in. Still didn’t work. “Thats weird I think.” Whatever. I look at the research papers that also count for extra credit. “Okay, where do I turn them in?” Doesn’t say. I check once. I check twice. Still doesn’t say. I check Canvas to see if there’s an assignment for them. Nope. I definitely didn’t miss anything. Okay? So I send an email to the TA. “Can you send me the link for the SONA credits because the one on the syllabus does not work? Also where are we supposed to turn in the research papers.” She follows this by saying, “Ask the professor after class tomorrow.” Doesn’t even send the link. … ok. Anyways, after class I go to the professor. I ask him about the SONA. He says, “Well you can ask your TA.” And I was like, “Well, no. My TA told me to ask you.” He groaned behind a smile and said, “Oh, did she…” In my head I wonder, “Did I just get this TA fired?” “Well, the link is on the syllabus.” “Umm, I tried. It doesn’t work. I tried on the doc and the pdf. Neither works.” So he shows me how to find it. Then I ask him about the research papers. This may have been where I pissed him off according to my mom because he said, “Yeah, I wouldn’t do those. They’re too long.” “Oh, it just says it’s one page.” And according to my mom when I said that it was arrogant and made me look like I knew more than him. I don’t think that was my intention. I just say things very bluntly. I then ask him where we turn them. He says, “It says it on the syllabus.” I responded, “Umm, no. It doesn’t. I checked the syllabus.” “No, it’s on the syllabus.” “Ok, so where is it-“ “You’re an adult, you can figure it out.” Whatever, man. I leave, kinda tearing up. Idk, why. I check on the syllabus. “Oh, shoot. I can’t believe it… it’s not there.” I start cursing under my breath he pops out and is all, “You good?” I respond with a yes and a thumbs up but I really wanted to respond with a no and a bird. So then I ask the TA and I show her it’s not on the syllabus to which she’s all, “Yeah, I’ll email the professor.” Later that night, I’m like, “Ok. Maybe I’m in the wrong.” I put the entire syllabus into ChatGPT. I ask it to say how we turn in our research papers. It says through turnitin. “Oh, so I was wrong. Okay. How do I sign up for turnitin?” ChatGPT: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. The professor is supposed to set up those turnitin assignments on Canva-“ “MOTHERFUCKE-“ Sorry, I really needed to crash out.

so i've been dating a girl, she knows about my ocd, she takes care of me but not in a toxic way, i mean she cares about me, i really admire her (this is crucial for me to fall for someone), i love the way she thinks, and how she talks, its been a long time since I laughed like that with someone, she respects my priorities since I'm a student and exams are coming, she treats her family so well, I mean, everything is perfect. But i can't get off my mind, my past relationships have been shit, I was always the one who needed to scape bc of anxiety, I have thoughts all the time about if I feel what i have to feel, that I'm going to ruin it like always, that I dont want to hurt her, that maybe she's more in love than I am, because she's relaxed and Im not. And I've come to identify wich thoughts are my ocd and wich are not (i've been struggling with ocd since I was six and im 21) but again I've fallen in this hole where I dont recognize anymore how i really feel and whats just the ocd. How do i get out of this?

my brain is trying to convince me i’ve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i don’t know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time we’re seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in my opinion i don’t like it very much either and i’m worried that makes me trans. It’s weird because i’ve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring. so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.” i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was “this is how i found out i was trans”. i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didn’t feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok that’s me. i didn’t feel masculine. i felt alt. fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. that’s what really set it off. now it’s march and it’s worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad. i was diagnosed recently and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions. i’m struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did. now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire? I’ve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they don’t match what I’ve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns — when I was reading someone’s pronoun list, my brain latched onto “he/him” because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft “i” in “him” and “his,” and I even thought “she/him” sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities — my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesn’t necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity. At the same time, I recognize that “he/him” is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called “he/him” is not me, and I don’t want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesn’t mean I want it to apply to me. I’ve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brain’s hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesn’t mean my preferences have changed — it’s just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent. and when My bully joined my class at school and it got horrible. I have now started online school and since I’m at home all day I have nothing to do apart from work and worry. I also had my period the other day and that made the anxiety so much worse. And I’ve had physical symptoms. It feels like I’m developing gender dysphoria. Like I’m uncomfortable with my breasts and I fixate on whether I like having a curvy body. I’m so exhausted. Do you still think this is OCD? i remember looking at old pictures of myself and i felt so happy. like, yes, this is me and i don’t want to change her. i could nevr forgive myself for it. but i just cannot stop crying. i’ve started emdr therapy and it made me feel like i want the thoughts even more. i’m super affected by misogyny and everything. and why am i bringing up past memories that meant nothing at the time like when i dressed up as mr wolf with a suit and tie and everyone liked my outfit and when i played with boy barbies and when i played with boys as a kid and i have boy humour. but when i pictured myself as a boy (compulsively) i almost felt a spark of desire or excitement that i have NEVER WANTED. i think it’s because of the way i’ve always admired popular boys at school despite them bullying me so badly. i just wonder how it would feel to be one for a day. but if i was asked to press a button to change my gender since birth like be a cis boy i’d say no! i like my life as a girl and i always have. i don’t want my relationship dynamics to change, i like having girl best friends as a girl because i think girlhood is so valuable. i’m a girl. i’ve always been one. i’ve loved traditionally feminine things for as long as i can remember. i’ve never felt any discomfort with puberty until last month. now this all started in october 2025. to keep this short, in january 2025 i got into this fandom and loved the male x male ship. i longed to have a dynamic like that. i noticed the nore dominant one got more attention so i started picturing myself as a woman but the more cool or dominant one in a relationship with a man. but in october, i saw this video that i resonated with. it said, “i want to be in a male x male relationship” the top comment said, “that’s how i found out i was trans btw” and other things like “first step denial second step daniel”. i guess i got anxious. i googled labels after labels and settled with demigirl although before this i didn’t even think about my gender. since i thought yeah i guess i want to be a cool dominant woman that this is me. i also liked the \*sound\* of she/they. so in november i had this dream that i was wearing a suit and tie. mind you, through all of this i was identifying as bisexual and had an interest in billie eilish. billie isn’t a typical feminine presenting woman and i wanted to be her. i thought she was so cool. so i adapted to that label of being bi because i thought it was cool as well. may have something to do with my adhd. i realised later that i just think some girls are pretty but nearly %100 attracted to men. this is reverent because billie eilish would wear suits but i misinterpreted this dream as something to do with my gender. i started researching. ever since then i’ve been in distress and sadness because i feel like i’ve fully lost myself to this obsession. but it also feels like i like the thoughts somehow. but why does it feel like i like the thoughts now. it feels so real. i used to search up tocd symptoms vs gender dysphoria and i completely matched up with tocd. that was in december. now it feels like i like the thoughts.

For anyone who suffers fear based responses to things. Anxiety depression or mood An intrusive thought arises, chemicals are released, and an emotional response follows—all in a lightning-fast sequence. That emotional response is strongly tied to a pattern. When we begin to separate the two—thought and physical/emotional response (the physical being a chemical release of adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones)—we can start to use neuroplasticity. These are the brain’s wiring pathways—they send signals and interpret them. I’ll give an example. As a child, someone is bitten by a dog. A neuronal connection forms. These pathways are created through experience, somewhat like a road. The signal begins from that experience—one side says dogs are bad, the other says be afraid of dogs. With repeated bad experiences, that road gets more traffic and widens. It begins to perceive all dogs as bad and to fear all dogs. At that point, the thought has gone further than logic would allow if applied with practice. The best practice is exposure. With positive experiences with safe dogs, a new neuronal pathway forms. It says: not all dogs are bad, don’t be afraid of all dogs. At first, it’s a small road. But the more good experiences someone has, the wider it becomes and the more traffic goes down it. The old road is still there—it formed for a reason—but it begins to narrow. Less and less of those old signals fire off. This is why exposure to our fears is so important, and why ERP and similar therapies are helpful. Anxiety and the chemical release that comes with it follow a pattern: Thought → chemical response → emotional response. With OCD, anxiety, depression, and other disorders that trigger these chemical releases, the response can happen incredibly quickly. Years of these patterns create automatic reactions. It’s not just OCD—many people with intrusive thoughts or related conditions experience this same rapid cascade: thought, chemical response, emotional response. Everything runs on these patterns, and they sink in from childhood, from repeated practice, and from trauma. But once we see that these patterns exist, we can begin to interrupt them and reshape them. Neuroplasticity offers us a way out. Once we catch the thought and the physical response, we recognise we’re not stuck—we can practice new pathways. When a thought arises, chemicals are released, and together they create a “whole” feeling. Panic attacks work the same way. The body pumps blood, releases chemicals, and prepares us to run or fight. Many of us see anxiety as something horrible—an enemy. It’s not. From ancient times, humans and animals have always scanned for danger. Animals still do. At any moment, they can feel fear and have a chemical response to escape or fight. Ancient humans had many dangers. Some people were “watchers”—they stayed alert, scanning for threats to protect others. Without them, humans may not have survived. Anxiety is actually a friend. But in the modern world, it can become over-wired—too sensitive, constantly scanning for danger where there isn’t any. When I learned anxiety wasn’t my enemy, but a friend trying to help—just misguided—I stopped hating it. And when I stopped fighting it, it became less powerful. I had to learn that it tells me things that aren’t always true. That’s hard at first. It gives you a strong feeling that something is wrong—that doom is here. But it starts with a thought. We can learn to catch the physical response and separate it from the thought, recognising the body is trying to help by giving us energy. An OCD thought arises. We get the response, and then we want to avoid it. For many, that means doing rituals to self-soothe. But those rituals are band-aids. They actually keep us stuck. Give your OCD a name. Separate it from “me.” You are not your disorder. I often say: “maybe, maybe not.” A thought is just a thought. Thinking something doesn’t make it real. We can’t stop thoughts. They come and go as they please. Trying to push them away gives them more power. The mind is like a clear blue sky. Thoughts are clouds. Are the clouds the sky? Don’t be afraid of the chemical response. It’s trying to help. Recognise that thoughts can be doubted—even when we’re used to believing them. Try this: think about making something catch fire with your mind. You quickly see you can’t. It’s a simple way to show that thoughts are just thoughts. Mindfulness helps. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present moment without judgment. It means noticing thoughts, sensations, and emotions as they arise, and letting them come and go, like clouds in the sky. One last example. You’re driving, and someone cuts you off and nearly takes you off the road. They’re unaware and drive off. A thought arises. A chain of thoughts follows. Chemicals are released, and an emotional response occurs. “That was dangerous. I could have been killed.” Fear and anger arise. Our bodies join in, and we experience a whole world inside ourselves. There’s a valid reason for that feeling. Now imagine this: moments later, someone walks up and hands you a briefcase filled with money. It’s yours. How long does the anger stay? It dissolves. A new feeling arises. Where did the anger go? That awful feeling shifts into something else. It felt permanent, solid, and real before. The nature of thoughts is that they arise and pass. How long they stay depends on us—on rumination or where we place our focus. Intrusive thoughts arise on their own. But we give them energy that allows them to persist. Even compulsions give them energy. So the root of it is this: observe the thought. “Oh, it’s that thought again.” Notice the body response—heart racing, trembling, sweating. Recognise these are separate. Bring your focus to the body. Let it settle. Slow your breathing. Relax your muscles. Adrenaline and cortisol only last for a while. Then, when you’re able, return to the thought. Thoughts are clouds. We have to give up the idea that our thoughts are always truthful. They’re a paintbrush, and the mind is the canvas. Don’t help hold the brush. Recognise you’ve been through this before. While it’s not pleasant, it does pass. We have to see the impermanence in it. This thought and this feeling are not permanent states. Even in the darkest moments, there are brief gaps where it isn’t exactly the same.

Ever since my boyfriend and I had broken up, my compulsions kicked full force. I pretty much went in a relapse, I think because the breakup was unexpected, and it was actually a good relationship. All of my last relationships have been very unhealthy, so this had thrown me off. In the end it may have been for the best, he has a lot of internal work to do (even though I don’t think he realizes it) as do I. But my compulsions of constantly checking keeps happening, I believe he stated dating someone new a month after we had broken up. And I think I keep feeding my compulsions, both mentally and physically. Like I keep thinking he is treating her much better than me, that it must be an easier relationship… Does anyone else suffer from ROCD? What do you do when compulsions kick in?

Hi all, anyone here had success managing OCD without meds? I used to be on SSRIs but voluntarily quit due to side effects. I want to manage it holistically - Keto therapy, exercising and staying busy. I’m also learning ERP with my therapist now. Escapism to junk food, porn etc over the years has fried my dopamine. I’m trying to rebuild that too. I’m also willing to do any supplements or stimulants like NAC, Inositol, Nicotine & Modafinil occasionally, Saffron extract, Ashwagandha. I’m truly just trying to get to a stoic state of mind where I can stay consistent with my efforts towards my goals. If you are strictly pro meds and don’t agree with my approach, I’d rather you not share your experience here since I’m really counting on Keto intervention as my final hope at managing this. I’ve lost my spark in the past few years and I don’t recognise who I’ve become due to this disorder. I welcome any success stories from people who are in the same boat as I and have had success managing this. I’m a 6’3, athletic, decent looking man who has a lot to offer but my potential has been completely engulfed dealing with this debilitating disorder.

This is day 3of erp therapy. It’s hard. I feel uncomfortable a lot. I know everyone is different, but I’m curious how long it has taken others to see improvement?

So I've been through a great deal of anxiety the past six months and after working with a therapist and getting a neuropsychological report, I've been diagnosed with OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I finally got in with a psychiatrist a week ago and got some medication prescribed which Ive been really hoping for, because even with therapy I haven't been able to take the edge off of the anxiety I feel in my chest and gut. I was prescribed 50 mg of Luvox to take at night. Unfortunately since I've started taking it I've been waking up between 3:00 and 5:00 AM and not being able to go back to sleep. Has anyone else had this experience? My psychiatrist said it should go away as my body adjusts, and I also wonder if it's my anxiety keeping me awake too. I was also prescribed 50 mg of trazodone for sleep as needed but I'm afraid to take it because I have an addictive personality and if it helps me sleep I'm worried I'll think I need it every night. So I guess I'm just asking what some experiences people have had on Luvox and trazodone? Thank you!