My partner broke up with me in Thursday night. Huge surprise, huge blow. Sheâs the love of my life. We were just planning out when we were going to move in together last week. We talked about spending our lives together. Our kids names and what not. My obsessions (which were closely related to her) and my co dependent behavior finally wore her out. Tuesday we were sharing a great day/night together, she even texted me telling me she wished I had spent the night. I have a hard time falling asleep, so I left early. I didnât want to keep her up, Iâve fucked up her sleep schedule enough as it is.
We got into what I considered to be a small fight on Wednesday night that carried over to Thursday morning. I was just feeling triggered because I was having a really rough day and she didnât seem to be there for me as much as I wanted, or had grown accustomed to. I didnât like how insecure I felt for being the needier one. I wanted to feel like she needed me as much as I needed her. I said some really needy, co dependent stuff and looking back on it, it was terrible. Basically told her one day she would need me like I needed her and we would see how she felt.
I have been re reading and remembering all the stupid ways I acted and really feeling a ton of guilt and remorse. I canât believe I treated her the way I treated her sometimes. I could be a jerk and be distant sometimes, when I was going thru an OCD episode. When I was good, things were great. We were like 2 peas in a pod (Forrest gump is our favorite movie). And I was considerably better and more present. Took care of her more. I feel like I took her support, patience and kindness for granted. Sheâs my gal. Instead I just ran her dry, especially at the beginning of the relationship.
Even though my ocd is considerably better now, and I have been sober for 8 months, she said she was tired, tired of fighting and physically tired. Told me I deserved someone who wanted to fight for our relationship as much as I wanted to fight for it. Told me every time we fought or bickered she just felt like giving up. That she was so used to putting other people in front of herself and that she was doing that again and that she couldnât do it anymore. She said she didnât know if she had a stable future with me.
I was so hurt and blindsided, I begged her to work out it with me, that we could do it. That I was only getting progressively and exponentially better. She agreed that I was getting better, but she said she was exhausted and that she needed space. Told me she didnât know what she felt right now and needed time to process it. She told me she needed a few days of space and that we could talk then, but for now, we needed to be considered broken up.
Iâve been going thru a terrible OCD episode now. Just cycling through a bunch of negative emotions, really. Guilt, shame, remorse pain, longing. This girl is my best friend. I spent the last year of my life planning our future out in my head and with her. Literally in the blink of an eye, everything changed. I took her for granted. Thought we were locked in. Never considered she get up and leave, so suddenly. I have been telling myself I am going to get her back, trying to devise a plan to get her back. Itâs the only thing that is keeping me upbeat. I have to believe thereâs a way. Just last month she told me she had a terrible dream that I broke up with her. Told me she remembers thinking âhow do I get him back?â. Who wouldâve thought Iâd be in this position, a month later
Now I canât stop thinking about, what if she found someone else? I asked her if she was going to start dating next and she said told me âyou know I have my own things to figure out and work on, rightâ. Later she told me âyou need to be alone, tooâ although Iâm not sure if she meant âtooâ as in both of us, or was just compiling the list of reasons why she was breaking up with me
And my mind just keeps compulsing, looking for evidence. Why did she say that? Why didnât she just say ânoâ if she wasnât going to. Was she was dodging my question? Maybe she didnât want to hurt me. She was always so honest and thatâs what our relationship was built on, trust and honesty, but what if she became attracted to someone else? I donât know how, she literally only goes to work and spends time with me and her family. Maybe the occasional friend. I know everyone she works with, ainât no contenders there (no offense lol). I donât think she would entertain anyone while still with me. We both hated cheaters and both of us wouldâve considered that a form of cheating. But I guess anything is possible.
Anyways, I know Iâm just compulsing hard right. Iâm not looking for reassurance. It just feels good to share what Iâm going through with a community of people that might understand my pain. I hope we can work it out. My sense of comfort and security has been really de stabilized by this whole ordeal, and I also wonder how that will play out if we do get back together. I want to be with her. I know we have at chance and something special, stable and long term. I can try and be even better, I know it. Iâm aware of my short comings now. Sheâs a gem. We have very similar values. But I also know sheâs pretty decisive, so I could be SOL. But Iâm also the first person sheâs ever been in love with, so maybe I have a fighting chance. I guess we will find out soon enough.
Thanks all for taking the time t read this novel, I just needed a safe space to put my feelings into writing.
