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They're just so raw and cut and bleeding but I just keep washing them. The anxiety of thinking/feeling they're "dirty" is just too much to handle.

My room was my safe space. Free of bad germs. But today lots of things happened and I am currently in bed just sitting with the contamination in my room now. It’s late and my room is separated from the main house. So, in order to clean and wash my hands, I have to go outside and through the back door of my house. Which will be a whole hour long cleaning and washing episode. (I accidentally left the keys to the house inside the home anyways) I had to pick something up from my room floor which is dirty to me and I sobbed cus I felt so defeated. I put on hand sanitizer so much to feel better but I still feel so useless about it. My bed is also contaminated from earlier and I sprayed lysol on it but I know a limit on to stop cus I don’t want my sheets smelling like it too much! I feel so defeated and I’m just sitting with these contamination. Especially the bed one, which hurts my very soul cus my bed is my top safe place. I feel so gross and disgusting. I’m tired and lost I’m debating on just cleaning my bed sheets tomorrow but Imma be so real rn. I don’t feel like it because doing laundry ESPECIALLY my bed sheets is such a hassle for me my god. I already did laundry today and it’s what started these series of contamination in my room to begin with. My goodness. I’ve been telling myself “It’s okay, I’m still cleaner than anyone else even with these contaminated things on me right now.” Comparing my cleanliness with others actually helps me relax a bit. Right now Im thinking of people who pick their stuff off the ground and don’t wash their hands or put on hand sanitizer to feel better about my situation.

I have an extremely overwhelming phobia of the germs of other people's mouth germs entering my mouth. I have a phobia of mold as well and the last time mold touched my skin I washed my hands over and over again until they were bleeding and I kept washing them even after that. I essentially took layers off my skin from how hot the water was and the aggressive scrubbing. I quit the place I worked, where it happened, that very week bc of it. I can't imagine what would happen if this happened with my mouth phobia and if I'd be able to even eat after loosing myself like that. Examples are sharing straws, sharing cups that hasn't been washed since someone used it, kissing or placing my mouth on something someone else may have placed their mouth on. I originally thought this stemed from a traumatic experience where I was essentially kidnapped for an entire day and half a night when I was 7 years old by my 16 year old neighbor. He locked me in his shed and wouldn't let me out unless I kissed him. I came home crying and my parents, specifically my mom, always invalidated my feelings, told me to stop over reacting or to get over it. I told them immediately and my mom said, "oh I didn't even know you were gone." This hurt because it instantly felt like she didn't care and her first reaction was her reassuring me that she doesn't care what happens to me. My dad went over, the neighbor immediately admitted to it and was forced to come over to our house and apologize. That was it. Nobody asked if I was okay, nobody asked if I wanted to talk about it. It was slid off like it was just something that happens. My that day forward I've had this phobia. It's only gotten worse as time goes on. To the point that I don't really share straws with anyone. The only person I will kiss is my spouse (obviously) but I don't think if I ever had kids I will kiss them or share food / drinks with them. About 5 years ago I was just dating my now husband. I didn't even start sharing straws with him until we got married I think. But, we were at a restaurant with my roommates and their boyfriends. They all knew I had this phobia. None of them knew I had OCD as it's completely misunderstood and even after years of trying to explain it to my spouse, he still doesn't get it. I went to the bathroom and one of my roommates decided to take a sip of my drink out of my straw. Which is easily the hugest no to me. She even announced it to the table, "Hey you guys I'm going to take a Sip out of her drink, haha it will be so funny don't tell her don't tell her" Everyone told her not to but she did it anyways and again said, "She's not even going to notice and we can ethier not tell her or tell her in a week and she will see she is fine!" I came back to the table and her boyfriend and my boyfriend immediately told me. I felt like I was going to black out and tried to stay with reality as much as I could. Luckily I hadn't taken a sip and I asked her if she really would do that to me. (At this point she had already tried to cheat on her bf with my bf and my bf said no so I didn't really consider her a good friend anyways) and she admitted it with a smile. I asked, " I respect you enough to not cross your boundaries. This is my boundary and you crossed it. Are you going to do this again?" She said, "I don't care about boundaries. You can get over it." So I raise my fist and asked, "Yeah? You don't care about boundaries? You wouldn't care if I beat the shit out of you and you'll get over it?" She looked at really scared and said, "No no no I won't I'm sorry." And my boyfriend pulled me back. Idk what happened and I still feel bad for it bc it's like I left my body in that moment and went into full protection mode. She ended up leaving our table and sitting at another table with a family and they kept asking her to leave the table. But she was kind of crazy like that. 😭 Over the years tho this has developed more and more and I fear it's going to get to the point where I no longer kiss my spouse as I generally avoid kissing him for this very reason.

Its currently 6:53am, woke up around 6:00am in a panic from a nightmare and I can’t fall back asleep. I have contamination ocd and emetophobia. At night i have a hard time falling asleep because every time ive gotten sick its been in the middle of the night while im sleeping. Before bed i usually get bad anxiety its going to happen again, even if theres no reason for it to happen. This obviously can trigger dreams about it, which then make me feel worse. Through out the day Ill overly manage my eating habits (no chicken certain days etc), take certain routes home to avoid getting sick, wash my hands when i can *feel* the germs on them, do certain tasks so it doesn’t make me sick etc. Its really getting to a point where i feel like its consuming me , and I need help but I am so scared to get it.

Do I stand at the sink while my daughter washes her hands? She wants me to turn the faucet on and off. She gets mad when I’m not doing exactly what she wants and then ends up washing for an hour or more. Or do I just leave the room and let her do it.

I have contamination OCD and it is difficult to get anyone to understand why I’m afraid to touch certain things. People assume I’m afraid of germs and disease or that I think I or someone else will get sick. This is not true. I’m afraid to touch the things because I just don’t want what it is connected to in my mind to be a part of me or anyone I love.

I cleaned for so long and showered for an hour. My hands are so pruney. I hate living like this. I’ve lost hope in myself. I cannot do it. I hate the fact that OCD is curable I hate it. I used to have a good plan for my future. Now I’m just nothing. Two years ago I thought that I would be better but I’m still the exact same. I was going to go to film school, I was going to move out, I had my own car, I graduated high school, was going to a behavioral program for this, and had so much opportunities lined up! But I’m still in the exact same place two years later.

I live in a college dorm where there is a communal shower but I live in a room with my own private bathroom. I am very thankful but now I have this irrational fear that if I shower at the same time as someone else using the communal bathroom that somehow germs will get in my water and get on me. I don’t know what to do. I’m actually scared to get in the shower now. What do I do?

As a disclaimer, I'm still very new to understanding everything here. Also, please be nice, I've seen some rude comments on other posts. I guess my question is, has anyone here had a problem with cats before? My OCD started (or started to show strongly) around the time my BF and I moved in together, about 2yrs ago. I know there are likely a LOT of other contributing factors to the onset, but the one I've found most prevalent in my... flare ups?... is his cat. I'm allergic and haven't spent much time around cats which plays a part in it I'm sure, the cat also isn't the most socialized and has a high prey drive (I can't wear my hair down or he'll try to attack it). My biggest issue nowadays however is that he will jump on countertops and tables, will try to drink out of our cups, and the fur is EVERYWHERE. It triggers me SO much I've cried about it, and will even shut myself in the bedroom for days just to avoid thinking about it (our bedroom is a cat-free zone). The thing is, everywhere I look online it seems like cats are these amazing and clean creatures. Even some of the helpline sites I've browsed through will villainize anyone who has an issue with cats cleanliness, saying that dogs are the ones to worry about. I've had dogs my whole life and even have a career working with them, and they've never been as triggering as this cat is? I feel like some evil person for hating this cat and being disgusted by the cleanliness aspect of it, but every time he jumps on the counter I feel sick. Any cup I see him try to drink out of, I don't use ever again (even if it's been washed). I feel like it's tainted so much of my household, and I'm becoming a shut-in because of it. (And yes- we've tried spray bottles and offering other outlets for him etc). Does anyone else have an issue with cats and their cleanliness? Or any pets in general? Do you have tips on how I can work through this? It's driving me to a point of wanting to give my BF an ultimatum (me or the cat) because I just can't keep living like this... which btw, I would NEVER do because thats his baby and I wouldn't take my issues out on the cat.

I’m of course just kinda of tired of cleaning up and not knowing for sure when things are contaminated, re contaminated. And it’s stressful because you can’t physically see germs with your normal eyes. I’m considering downsizing my life, sorta like a minimalist just so I won’t feel like I have soooo much to clean/sanitize. I wonder how people without OCD feel like when they come into contact with contagious viruses. Do they excessively clean? Do they wonder about re contamination? I know mine will always be more obsessive, I just wish my thought process was at a normal pace that I’m still able to move forward with my life regardless of the obstacles..

I've experienced a fairly wide range of ocd symptoms throughout my life... Contamination ocd, magical thinking, checking window locks, intrusive thoughts about cheating on exams, obsession with praying, several months of chronic guilt when I was 12 for breaking a school rule, body symptoms where I would have to jump, or contort my body, move my head etc. I'm 31 now and started dating a really wonderful woman 4 months ago. We clicked fairly quickly with similar interests, and had been having a really great relationship... a couple of weeks ago we discussed the types of things we would like in our futures e.g. marriage, desire to be parents one day. We found out we both have similar life goals etc. and it felt really great. I've never had so much fun talking with someone, hanging out or been so impressed by their character and compassion. It felt so easy to fall in love once I felt safe. A few days after checking in with one another about life goals, I was having a bit of a stressful night unrelated to the relationship. I visited my gf after her work shift and noticed I was more anxious in my body than usual. We meditated together and then put on a tv show, while I was watching the show I had this thought flash into my head saying "what if you don't love your gf as much as you could, and deep down you are obsessed with women who are white / from the same country as you" the thoughts flashed again the next day, i ruminated and "cancelled out" the thought by thinking of my ex as an example that i would never choose anyone over my gf. the following days i felt consumed by guilt and shame, thinking of myself as xenophobic and obsessed with the idea i am racist. I selfishly confessed to her about everything, without considering what burden it could place on her. i felt like i was lying and she should know the truth but now i feel more selfish for sharing. my gf is south american. we are both white / of european descent but i feel very much aware that she can face xenophobic discrimination where we live). I've been in love before but have never felt so confident about a relationship. She studies psychology and researched ocd the night I told her everything and has been really understanding and supportive. I love her so much and feel so committed, but keep feeling as though I must be xenophobic and even racist due to the problematic nature of the intrusive thought i had. inhave been feeling like I do not deserve her love, or to feel pleasure like reading books or even just enjoying working. my logical mind says of course ocd attacks your values in creative and messed up ways but i can't help but think that's a stretch from typical rocd and maybe i am a really bad person. has anyone ever experienced anything similar or the brain being extra evil / tricky?

I have serious contamination OCD where I put some hand sanitizer on my lips yesterday. I felt my lips were contaminated. Will I die from doing this? I quickly put carmax on my lips right after it. What will happen to me. I need help.

I’m not feeling great whatsoever. Had another nightmare. Did so much research last night about the risks of cold sores and of course freaked myself out. It’s Day 3 maybe 4 or 5 since they say shedding happens 24/48 hours prior. But anyway, I thought my son was acting odd yesterday, his eye got red, he’s not listening to directions that well when I tell him not to touch. He is delayed and on the spectrum so it’s a little difficult for him to follow through and he can be impulsive so it’s making me worry even more he’s spreading it everywhere on himself. He was super sleepy yesterday and it caught me off guard, he wasn’t feeling hungry either which made me think the worst. I almost thought of taking him to the er yesterday. I think he’s totally fine this morning just sneezing and coughing for normal sick but I’m scared of what else to expect. The cold sore doesn’t look terrible it just looks scary.. to top it all off I have small cuts all over my hands (from washing them so much) and have no idea if the virus entered through there. And it’s making me worry about myself too.. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless..

on the daily i shower for 2-3 hours. i dont understand why but i spend so much time being paranoid of being dirty or touching something dirty in the shower that i constantly keep washing nonstop. i spend like 20 minutes washing my hands in the shower before i even touch my shampoo, then after i finish my shower i spend 20 more minutes washing my hands. i also developed a bad habit of cleaning the knob that controls the water because i believe it is very dirty. this is very exhausting and hard to live with, so can anyone share some advice?

I don’t have a cold sore that I know of and I don’t even know if I ever suffered through them before but my child had his first outbreak yesterday. Of course my contamination OCD flared up big time, even had a nightmare about it. Not sure if I need to keep doing research on it anymore or just let it go and see what happens. Maybe I have hsv1 that’s dormant or maybe I might get it accidentally soon. I’m not entirely sure. Should I still be sanitizing everything and wash my hands and tell him to keep washing his hands? I don’t know. It’s my first time dealing with this and it’s so scary.. I know they’re not a big deal but nonetheless, it’s something I can’t take my mind off of. Ruminating I guess. I’m looking at every single object in my home as contaminated and tempted to throw stuff.. but I know that probably would be me overreacting. Sigh.

I've been having some contamination OCD recently, and it's been affecting my hands a lot. My brain tells me that everything is dirty, and it results in me washing my hands way more then what's good for me. The skin on my hands is getting red and cracked. If anyone knows how to help me out, it'd be awesome!! ☹️

Hi everyone, this is a very long post, but I want to share my story in hopes of helping others see that they are not alone, and that what they are going through isn’t something that they need to bare alone. Feel free to read if you want-things will get better! 💜 I first encountered my OCD flaring up when I was in middle school around the age of twelve or thirteen. During this time, my primary obsession was the fear that I could or would possibly commit suicide. At the time, I had no clue what was happening and didn’t know anything about OCD (other than believing it was defined as people needing to keep their spaces tidy). Reflecting now, it’s clear to me that this was the first time I had the unfortunate privilege of meeting my OCD monster. I was constantly having intrusive images and thoughts anytime I would see knives—worrying that I would grab one and use it to harm myself. I would create scenarios in my head in in which I pictured myself jumping in front of a garbage truck, or drowning myself in the bathtub. While the logical side of me knew that these fears were irrational, I felt such shame and isolation in having them. The theme subsided after about three months, and I was able to move on with my life without noticing any major flare ups of OCD. Now, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing OCD during this ‘peacetime’, but the themes were nowhere near as debilitating. For example, I’d have flare ups about random concerns such as obsessing that chest pains could be a sign of heart attack; worrying that I’d developed a brain tumor due to a dizzy spell; worrying that I’d get arrested for accidentally hitting something with my car; etc. While these situations brought on an immense amount of anxiety, these bouts usually dissipated within about a week—for this reason, I don’t consider these to be any of my main nor debilitating themes. One summer day in my high school age—around fifteen—I was watching the local news and a story came on about a soccer coach who was arrested for grooming his players. The story highlighted how much everyone in the community was reeling from this revelation since the coach was such a beloved and respected member of the community. I remember the exact moment when I was flooded with an immense amount of dread and anxiety unlike anything I’d ever felt up until that point. If this ‘upstanding’ community man was capable of something so terrible, what was to say I couldn’t be too? What if I’m just discovering this terrifying aspect of my identity all of a sudden? What would everyone who I know and love think about me? These are just a few examples of the myriad of thoughts that bombarded my mind within just minutes of seeing that news story. The anxiety about this possibility elevated to such a level, that I felt more hopeless than I have ever felt about my future before. I remember leaving my parents a note on their bedside table confessing to them that I was afraid that I was a pedophile because there was no way I would have ever been able to face them in-person and say that. I waited in my room all morning until after they had read the note in hopes that would come talk to me and try to comfort me—which is exactly what they did. While their reassurance made me feel a bit better for the next thirty minutes, eventually I felt that I needed more answers and began Googling. This was when I finally found out about OCD. I felt an immense sense of relief when I realized that this could be OCD, but the monster did not like that I had uncovered it’s nasty secret, and immediately tried to divert my attention by battering me with the though that I was the exception to the rule—that I didn’t actually have OCD. I wasn’t brave enough to start therapy because I was terrified that when I went to my first appointment and told them my thoughts, that they would confirm to me that there is something wrong and that it wasn’t OCD. For about 8 months, I continued ruminating on every little possibility, avoiding children, and feeling a complete loss of identity that I would never wish upon anyone. After finally mustering up the courage to start therapy, I found myself improving after about 2 months, and wasn’t bothered by such thoughts anymore….I was so relieved to be done with that phase of my life, not knowing that the monster would never leave. At this point, I was loving every aspect of life—especially after coming out as gay to my parents during my freshman year of university. Life was beautiful and I felt free of any doubt or fear surrounding who I was. But when COVID hit, my OCD went into hyperdrive with contamination as my primary theme. The pandemic progressed, and these anxieties died down and it felt like life was going to move on. One day later that summer, in August of 2022—about 4 years since ever really thinking about it—the pedophilia-themed OCD was back. I had opened up to a close friend about my experience in high school, and she was incredibly understanding and supportive; but something in my brain triggered from this conversation and the obsession was back. This time, I found a therapist right away, but not knowing that Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) was the proper treatment, I found a psychologist who specialized in psychodynamic therapy. After about 5 months of torture, I did reach recovery once again despite the lack of ERP. Life was good again throughout the rest of university and post-graduation. However, this past May, things took a dive for the worst. After being prescribed what I had deemed a “scary antibiotic” for an infection from my wisdom teeth surgery, my OCD ramped up to the point where I was obsessing over the possibility of having side effects from this medication—even imagining that I had developed peripheral neuropathy from the pills. Less than 48 hours later, I saw a Tik Tok clip of the show To Catch a Predator. Seeing that clip was extremely triggering, and caused me to imagine myself as the person being caught. It was like a light switch was flipped in my brain as the health-related fears vanished simultaneously with the arrival of the pedophilia-themed obsessions. At this time, I was also about a week into beginning treatment using Prozac. For me, the medication ended up resulting in negative side effects that drove up suicidal thoughts, which in tandem with the POCD made me lose all hope in going on. I found myself bargaining and playing mind games to try and solve this problem: I couldn’t be attracted to children, could I? I’ve only ever been attracted to people my own age in the past. But what if something is changing in me now? Even if it is, I could just make sure that I never act on it. No, I can’t even bare the thought of identifying that way. But you didn’t want to be gay at first, what if this is like that? Phew, that guy is attractive. But what if he’s actually younger than he looks? Does that mean I’m attracted to minors? What if the traits I am attracted to in age-appropriate partners are only the traits that I perceive as looking younger? The barrage of thoughts completely destroyed me. Fortunately, I was able to stop taking the Prozac and the suicidal thoughts diminished, but I was still so obsessed over the possibility that I could be a terrible monster. To make matters worse, my career is working with high school students while they are applying to colleges. I see hundreds of sixteen and seventeen year-old students every month. My OCD took this job that I loved, and turned it against me. It told me that I only liked the job because it got me closer to younger kids. It told me that I wasn’t attracted to people my own age. I felt lost and couldn’t tell what was real anymore. After a month of intense suffering, I was able to begin taking control of the situation by finding an OCD specialist, this time beginning ERP right away. As a supplement to my therapy, I also began taking Anafranil, and after a few weeks, I reached a place of pretty solid ground. That was in late-July. Since that time, I have considered myself to be in recovery and have been immensely enjoying my life. However, recovery now means something much different than what it meant when I first began my journey with OCD. Now, I understand that I will probably never be free of intrusive thoughts—no one is—but they do not define who I am as a person, and I am able to enjoy life alongside them. While in my past it always felt that I needed to put so much time and energy into solving the things that worry me, what I have now come to realize is that overthinking never really solved anything. Instead, it took control of my life and made me see negativity anywhere I looked in life. This brings us to today. My experiences with OCD—particularly in the past six months—have inspired me to dedicate my time advocating for OCD understanding and helping others to see that they are not alone, especially because that’s how I know many of you feel. I hope to join the likes of the amazing leaders in the community such as Chrissie Hodges, Nathan Peterson, Stuart Ralph, and so many others who contribute such meaningful work to this community. This entry is just the beginning of my work, and I hope it provides some hope and understanding for others. In the future, I plan to elaborate more on my experiences and share more about living life with OCD. Through all of these experiences, I have come to realize that life goes on. It’s possible to live a fulfilling life while OCD takes the backseat.

I just quit my job today due to the crippling harm OCD that I have been having for the past couple months. I’m also a type one diabetic and so worried I won’t be able to find another job because I can’t hold it together at work. Due to the fact I lost my job, all my money is going to go to medical supplies for my diabetes. Before the harm OCD it was contamination and health OCD. I’d much rather go back to the other one than the harm one. Here is the thing, I can’t afford therapy at the moment. I know ERP is the gold standard. I read about CBT and acceptance therapy. I won’t go into detail about my harm OCD because I’m very much embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t even want these thoughts or like these thoughts. I want to run away from them so bad. I just want to love, be loved and be happy. Now without a job, no health insurance, being type one diabetic, and at I would say almost the height of this OCD, does anyone have any advice? Any words of encouragement? I cry every day about this and feel like a monster. I can’t get disability, I can’t afford health insurance without a job, and I don’t know how to get through this harm OCD. If anyone just can text me back, especially if you have dealt with a similar OCD I would appreciate it. I’m so lonely and lost about it all. I never thought I’d get into this situation. I’m staying as strong as I can but just anyone able to talk I would appreciate it. Thank you guys for reading.

my puppy licked in my nose and i’m scared about that disease that you can get that can cause you to lose your limbs!! omg i’ve been on google for hours!!! i know it’s rare!! but i don’t want to be the one to get it!

I have germ OCD/Emetophobia, and death OCD. I just started Luvox, but my OCD and anxiety has me scared something bad will happen if I take it so I haven’t been consistent. It’s ruining my marriage..I feel guilt 24/7. Can anyone relate…