Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi guys, I was playing a video game tonight relaxing, when I forgot what I was thinking doing and then got anxiety because of not knowing my OCD? I hate anxiety it’s the worst! What should I do about forgetting and the anxiety?

Because I struggle with false memory and real event ocd, I feel like God hates me. I remember praying to God please give me a reason to live and I honestly don't deserve it. What it makes this worse is that, I ask God to just end my life.

I give up. The false feelings and groinal responses are just too much and too real. I can't even look at the same sex now without thinking, they look good, automatically turns it into a sexual thing and..."response". I'm focused in on all the slightest things that they do and my brain goes "like" and response. My brain tells me I like them. I'm no longer anxious. I can't seem to fight it. It's just insane now. It convinces me I like this and don't, doesn't feel like me but the urge comes in and that's it. It's took away any draw I had to the opposite sex. All because of my lack of experience with relationships and sex in general (anything I have, particularly sex I get a self esteem block, tell myself everything bad and what I won't happen etc) my head is just saying "well this is probably you then etc." Because the false feelings seem so automatic now. I'm comfortable around women because I've never seemingly them as a threat, just friends. Always felt awkward around guys for the opposite reasons, likes a few guys that I've been interested that have never been interested in me. (Also I have it in my head that you're supposed to feel responses to your preferred sex too, and I've not been) Now I just feel despondent. Now this so-ocd is the most engaged it's ever been and I can't fight anymore. My identity has changed. Only ever been drawn to guys, and now it feels it's changed completely. I don't like it. I've only ever wanted physical and romantic relationships with men, that's all I've imagined. This is alien to me. Plus, I've had responses and draws previous to kids, and inappropriate sexual things too, bad things. So I don't know whether it's just I'm responding to things that aren't me, and not responding to things that are because I don't let myself. I don't know whether this is normal with this now.

I’ve been wondering a lot these past two months have been really bad. I’ve had just about every theme of OCD from harm, sexual, existencial you name it. The only theme I haven’t had is germ OCD, I think it’s because I’m a nurse and I literary live around germs. This time around I’ve been obsessing with sleep and not being able to sleep, which has caused me to have depression. And now I’m like obsessed over my depression to the point where I’m literary questioning my own sanity, and my own experiences almost as if I’m over analyzing every experience and feel depressed over it evened good experiences feel like ass cus I just start doubting them. Has anyone experience this before? I got started on sirtraline and now I am obsessing over the fact that I need a pill to get better which I hate cus I’ve been able to beat my OCD unmedicated. Am I beyond help at this point ? I feel like I am a completely different person I don’t even remember what I used to be like.

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to erotically role-play a forced scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time... now my harm ocd says I SA'ed another woman during an online roleplay session... saying that I started initiating roleplay without asking... (I always ask "if you want of course" while flirting in roleplay) this wasnt a roleplay like before, but it was a classic erotic roleplay... all i can remember is that she and I roleplayed together than she suddenly left during the middle... I genuinely cant remember if what my intrusive thoughts are telling me is true or not... and its absolutely scaring me...

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to erotically role-play a forced scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time... now my harm ocd says I SA'ed another woman during an online roleplay session... saying that I started initiating roleplay without asking... this wasnt a roleplay like before, but it was a classic erotic roleplay... all i can remember is that she and I roleplayed together than she suddenly left during the middle... I genuinely cant remember if what my intrusive thoughts are telling me is true or not... and its absolutely scaring me...

Hi everyone I honestly feel so defeated My anxiety and ocd has been so intense I have intrusive thoughts about everything for example I suffer w harm ocd I suffer w the thought that I feel like I’m not genuine I suffer with being terrified of mental illness such as schizophrenia I get scared I’ll snap n lose control I suffer with the fact that I’m scared my anxiety will never go away n I’ll never get better I suffer w being so irritable w the people I love Recently I’ve been terrified people r staring at me and can read through my body language of how I think Today my brain felt scrambled, I woke up for work when I didn’t have work - in my defense I didn’t check the schedule and took this day off a month ago I went to the wrong location for a workout class And I went to a friends house took off my shoes n can’t find them. So now I’m fearing that I’m losing my mind n becoming delusional. I want to try medication but I’ve heard so many bad things. I’m just so sad of feeling like this. This is my outlet bc some of you understand. But it’s really isolating idk how some people even work it’s hard sometimes I push myself every single day and it’s been 3 years and I feel like I’ve had no sense of peace. Any advice?

i am 2 years clean from self harm and im very proud of how far i've come. my intrusive thoughts attack my accomplishments and i struggle with false memory ocd. my brain takes instances where i accidentally get hurt and tells me i did it to myself. a couple months ago i noticed my wrist was itchy while i was just pacing around my room, when i looked at my wrist there was a scratch. i did NOT do it to myself, i must have accidentally scratched myself sometime throughout the day. but because i didn't remember what could have caused the scratch my brain told me i did it to myself even though i didn't. tonight i remembered when i got that accidental scratch and had a panic attack while arguing with my intrusive thoughts telling me i did. it hurts to be 2 years clean and have intrusive thoughts that attack my success in recovery. if you can relate to this or have advice, please let me know.

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to roleplay a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time...

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to roleplay a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online I believe... (i cant remember if this happened or not) When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say things like "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me... my harm ocd keeps saying I SA'ed the woman and intrusive thoughts of her saying this and I just throw up every time...

So I recently got a bf and we were hanging out. And then I had to leave and I think he wanted to kiss) make out and I was like well I have to dip, so I think he said maybe like "it'll be quick/like a quick kiss." or something like that and then I was like "dang I have to get back" (I acc did) and he was like "just one kiss? " and I pecked him on the lip. My ocd is like oh that's sexual assault or coercion. I didn't mind kissing him and didn't feel harassed or anything. I don't remember the encounter very well and feel like my ocd is distorting my memory . he mightve just asked once after I said I was late instead of twice. I can't really remember. My ocd is like oh this is sexual coercion and assault. I don't feel that way at all. I didn't feel forced to kiss him whatsoever. I've been coerced before and he's nothing like that. Idk how to tackle this.

Does anyone else’s have like at least one false memory every day? And do anyone else ruminates about something that just happened because at the time the event happened you had an intrusive image and you don’t really know what happened at the moment ? I’m not diagnosed and I’m working really hard but this is super scary and I worry I’m just in denial or being a really bad person

Over half a year ago, This girl wanted me to rp a CNC scene with her and to not ask the next time we chatted online. When we started doing that the next time we met, she suddenly left the chat. So Im scared on if consent wasnt given. I remember her saying that she got booted the next time I talked to her, and asking if she wanted to continue where we left off, but im not too sure and I cant recollect it... as a part of the roleplay, she would say "stop" and I think she roleplayed her movements but I dont remember if this was a part of the roleplay, or her genuinely telling me to stop... my friend on the explicit chat site says that since its been over 6 months, that I most likely didnt do anything to hurt her and that I should move on, but my intrusive thoughts keep saying that I violated this womans consent, when a womans consent is the most important thing to me..:

was hugging my cat and she got annoyed and meowed and i got sad and thought how could anyone hurt any animals then i start getting thoughts like u want to hurt one u want to really hurt one even ur own cats and it made me scared but i have little anxiety it made me sad tho. when i was little i had kicked my dog and that came up in my memories and now im scared i will hurt my pets. when i was younger i was weird and i have memories spaced out of me doing weird/bad stuff that i would never do now but it makes my ocd worse. I hate this :(

Anyone else struggling with false memory ocd and believing you have ‘evidence’? I don’t mean feelings I more mean finding real details, coincidences or clues/ making links to things. It’s all becoming very real, and it’s so hard to explain.

This is probably the worst part of my ocd. When I have a flashing image I have to start adding details, thinking of scenery and making a little story up. Now I find that my stories actually have some truth, there’s details that are in favour of my false memory ‘evidence’ almost. I find myself doubting all day everyday due to these details.

I found out i was gay after being groomed at 14, and thats haunted me forever. As if my sexuality is illegitimate. I have memories that after all of that happened and i distanced myself from it, i remember i was in a depressive stupor, and I had to figure out for certain if i was really gay or if it was the grooming. I remember being constantly tested every day for months, feeling like theres this voice in my head tearing away at me. The memories were repressed, but slowly discovering them again, i cant help but wonder if that was also OCD. Ive come to understand this is something ive struggled with for a very long time, but I didnt re-experience until my 20s.

This is about pornography addiction. Back when I was still greatly suffering through it, I remember watching videos I shouldn't have when I was a lot younger. It genuinely did have an effect on my well being and it made me act out in ways no kid should. No kid should be exposed to these things for that matter. I keep focusing on this one time where I made a taboo search about all something and it had the word "lil" in it. After I did this I just started crying badly because of how much of a problem this was for me but now I'm getting thoughts that are saying I did this because I wanted to see kids and that's really scary because I don't want to do that. I really don't want to believe that and I would not want to do that to myself. I didn't see anything inappropriate when that happened from what I remember but I just want stop thinking about these two sides of the event. I think I was around 18 at the time. Something like this also happened when I saw this really disgusting playlist on YouTube that had children in it and creeps saving videos. I couldn't believe it to be true so morbid curiosity came in and when I went through them they were very real and it was very disgusting. I remember freaking out about this so much and I couldn't calm down for that night. It was terrible. I hated that so much. What really scares me about that is before I found this I was watching videos that were fine but just when everything was coming to an end that playlist came up in the midst of it and it made me feel absolutely disgusting. I just hate how much porn messed up my life and I wish I could take it all back. I still get haunting memories of it every single day one way or the other and I'm never at peace with it fully. It always messes with my mind and I can't let it go because of uncertainty. I also hate that through my addiction, I've seen very questionable content without even trying to look for it, which I can't stand. I hate that shit so much. I make specific searches that I find reasonable but even still bad things show up regardless. I just feel disgusting about this completely and it's one of several things that has always kept my self esteem very low. I don't know what to do.

So I’ve been reverting back to seeking reassurance constantly because I think I sexually harassed someone I was seeing over the phone when I was 14. If I recall, I asked her at first if she wanted to have phone sex and she said yes. (The thing about this event was that she hummed her response, which I didn’t think was questionable at the time bc my parents would sometimes hum to me as a form of a response to something casual, and vice versa.) After she said yes, it went on for some time and then I noticed my memory of it got very foggy and there were some parts where I asked her if we could have phone sex and she said no. But something about the memory was strange, because I remember being confused at her responses. It wasn’t that I thought she could never say no to me, but that she would say yes and no back and forth which got me very confused from what I remember, but I doubt that this actually happened to this day which feeds into my anxiety a lot. And then I felt confident in myself to ask again shortly after and she said no again (but I’m starting to think she said yes and then said no after I asked if she wanted to keep going.) This is the part in the memory that makes me feel bad about myself because I notice that it’s very wrong to do something like that and I didn’t think of it as bad in the moment which pretty much sucks I guess. So after she said no, this is the part where I got a little upset (I didn’t show it to her obv) bc I was confused. So instead of asking her immediately again, I decided to wait a really long time out of respect for her, (during that span of time, I would try and make flirty comments to her which were consensual) so that I wouldn’t do any harm to her. After a long while passed, I asked her again if she wanted to have phone sex to see what her next response was: if it was a no, then I’d end the call, if it was a yes then I’d stay and basically—yeah. So she said yes (which I’m afraid might not have been enthusiastic at the moment.) And I believed her so we went on, and then at one point I was getting bored and so I kept on having phone sex with her just to please her and then I remember staring at a church from across my house while having phone sex with her (at this point I was just touching myself with no communication involved.) And then I stopped touching myself for her and just did it for myself, and then at one point I noticed she was probably asleep. So I called her name hoping she was awake and she seemed tired so I ended the call and said that “consent mattered to me.” And after the call was over, I went to bed and was pretty happy about the experience but then the thought that I might’ve raped her crossed my mind and I got terrified and so I asked her through text. I was feeling pretty anxious in the moment and then I fell asleep (this event happened at night btw.) The next morning occurred and she responded to me saying that I didn’t rape her which I felt pretty relieved about. But this memory has haunted me for the longest time. Cause it seems so possible that I might’ve pressured her to have sex with me. I’ve been constantly ruminating about this memory for years and I always come to the conclusion that my interpretation of it is false and that I just don’t want to look like the bad guy even though I genuinely ruminate to look for answers and not to pretend that I’m the good guy. Sometimes I think it’s just real event OCD bc I think that I actually did do something wrong but I just feel intense guilt over it which somehow makes it OCD for some reason. Anyways, I feel like my experience with this type of OCD feels so alienating and overwhelming, I feel like I’m the only person in the world with this specific type of OCD and that nobody will understand my experience. I just want to feel like I’m not evil or alone in this experience.

For four years, i thought my false memory was just a false memory and I thought that I can continue with life knowing that it's okay not to know and rely on uncertainty. But what if you caught yourself ruminating and you realize that your worst fear is true? Everything starts to become clear. Has this happened to anybody? I don't think i should be alive anymore.