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Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

So I’ve been trying to no longer desensitize myself from animal cruelty (That being said I understand this is privileged and some people only can afford/eat meat for whatever reason) BUT I grew up NEVER eating meat or fish or whatever I had dairy and eggs sometimes but my mom had ethical issues with eating dead animals and so she passed down those values to me Now that I know cheese and eggs come from the moms of those who are killed at slaughter houses I don’t know if I should be a full on vegan or not BUT mainly right now my OCD brain is telling me kill my own dogs since their food has meat in it and so for the greater good to save more animal lives I need to kill them And it also got worse for a second and said to hurt my mom as well since she feeds them I don’t want to hurt anyone I don’t want to contribute to the meat industry I WANT TO SLEEEEEEP any advice?

So anyone have these opposite thoughts or thoughts that go against what your values and it sounds like you actually want to support such horrific, disturbing things even though you haven't and will never to this day? Its like you're inner dialogue is saying you support such things even though you know you really dont want to and the subject disgusts you and its like opposite thoughts. It's disturbing and honestly I'm a little shaken and it's been along the line of my core theme? Would anyone have any advice or have any knowledge on what this is?

I feel disgusting and ashamed!!!! My mom texted my sibling and got mad at them because she thought they don’t know to take care of themself and then she said “I’m so exhausted between you and Ishil”. I can’t. I can’t do this. My mom keeps making me believe things SHE thinks about! What if I don’t know how to care of myself?! I try so hard! But then what if I’m not?! I already feel self doubt and she’s triggering me to an extent that I might do self harm and start bleeding!!

So I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm because of incredibly bad depression and self loathing. While I know I probably won’t commit suicide, because I love my family and friends too much to hurt them like that, I also acknowledge that my mentality is incredibly fragile and I could probably change my mind and go through with if faced with any other major problem or challenge. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind, dissociating, and losing connection with reality. I’m tired of feeling this way, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on my emotions. I feel like I’m losing myself, or I’ve already lost myself. And I keep thinking my parents probably don’t love me anymore for not being so funloving and happy as I used to be. I know this probably isn’t true but I’m just waiting for any implication they don’t love me anymore so I can go through with it. I’m hanging on for them and for the hope I can get better, but it’s hard. At one point I even thought about committing suicide after the holidays were over, so I could spend one last holiday with them. But I know things will probably get better and I’d probably regret it more than anything if I tried to go through with it. I’m holding on for dear life and I don’t know if I should tell them. I don’t want to ruin their happiness anymore than I have. I don’t want to cause any distress or pain but I just feel like I have no one else to go to. I don’t have a therapist at the moment, and I won’t talk to my friends about my mental health issues because I’m afraid they’ll pull away. But I’ve already been to the mental hospital twice in the past and it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress and sadness in my family. I don’t want to put them through that again. I feel like if I tell them it’ll make them resent me. I just want this all to stop and go back to the way it was years ago when I was happy and healthy. I have things I want to do, even if it’s only minor, and places I want to see. But I also feel like a failure and a disappointment and I can barely look myself in the mirror because I think I’m so ugly. A part of me just wants to give up but I’m doing my best to hang on. Should I tell them? Or should I just keep it to myself and hope it passes soon?

I don't think I've checked in here the entire month of December. How is everyone doing? The holidays are usually a wonderful joyful time for me but not this year. I've had nearly 2 months of setbacks from November 4th when I had a panic attack till now. Recently a little boy I knew who was close to my son died by the S word and my world has been in shambles. I called 911 Sunday morning for a breakdown because I woke up shaking and gasping for air and my mom and I weren't speaking all of Saturday because we got into a huge fight on Friday night because she said I needed to get over his death even though it only happened a week prior. When the fire department came this one dude was particularly a dick to me saying a need a psychiatrist. I can't get a recent appointment with one anywhere to save my life. The place I do thearpy at the psyche nurse doesn't have an appointment till the end of January and when I called her last month she didn't have any appointments till the end of December. It's literally easier to get a thearpy appointment then it is to get a psychiatrist appointment and it's usually the other way around. The fire department guys kept telling me it wasn't an emergency and asked if I could drive myself to the hospital. I haven't driven since July 2022 since I had a panic attack except around the area around my neighborhood and even then my anxiety and panic had gotten so bad that I don't even really leave the house much due to agoraphobia. Plus I have binocular vision disfunction and I have prism glasses but they don't help. When I try and drive I get lightheaded, panicky and shakey but was never like that before. Drobe 16 years just fine. I find it increasingly irresponsible for someone who is supposed to be there for someone in crisis to ask themselves to drive to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack. Then he asks if anyone else can drive me I said "no, my family isnt speaking to me" not to mention I have a hard time leaving the house due to the fear of panic so going in an ambulance was the best thing for me. I told them I lost a friend to S**cide and I didn't even wanna be here anymore and that's when they shut their mouth. When the paramedics got there they were a lot nicer to me but I literally had to walk into the ambulance and the whole experience was just demeaning. One of the paramedics offered me his church on YouTube I gladly accepted. He said his wife was dealing with panic attacks then went back to church and they stopped. I told him I do my bible app and pray. The ER did nothing for me but took labs and gave me a fricken hydroxizine. I could have taken one of those at home. When they tried to release me I had a panic attack from acute stress. I told them my home life is chaotic. I'm 35 living at home and have no bedroom of my own and there is constant jet noise, loud stereos of people that drive by, my brother on his computer day and night yelling at his video games, loud neighbors who party all night ect....and I just snapped and said I was having bad thoughts. They gave me an ativan (which idk why they didn't before) and just sent me home. Even still I have xanax at home. The way the ER and the fire department treats people having mental crisis is unacceptable. I won't be calling anymore when I am triggered I'll just drug myself up at home or call crisis for a ride to the mental hospital like I did last time. Anyway since then I've had super high anxiety, my doctor increased my buspar 5mg because I asked her too and she was a dick about that too so I'm firing her and getting a new doctor because I dont wanna take zoloft. I've had severe intrusive thoughts and dp/dr. I'm just trying to make it through the holidays and hope for the better. My son flys in on Tuesday and I just wish he was able to come out last year when things were much better and I wasn't sick like this. I wish nocd would accept my insurance (medicaid) I've been waiting since early 2020 and I'm poor I don't work because of my mental illness and can't afford 210 a session. Anyway I hope everyone is okay, just sending so much love because this shit is super scary and debilitating and just know you're not alone, we will get through this.

Okay.. let me start by saying I’m in a VERY committed relationship of 11 years.. and I’m Absolutely not interested in another person. But at a my job, I sell some rocks that I paint.. and this guy expressed interest in buying a custom item I make and asked if we could get coffee discussing what he wants.. eagerly, I said yes, wanting to sell my art, with it going right over my head that this man is asking me out, so I gave him my number eagerly wanting to sell my art, but as I did, I realized that I shouldn’t be and immediately regretted it.. couple days later he texted me, and I informed him that I’m in a very committed relationship ship and wouldn’t be interested in anything romantic, he said that he wasnt either and is only interested In a friendship… great, I thought… not great.. he’s been texting me relentlessly, and showing up to my job almost everyday, and it’s making me very uncomfortable.. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid that I was wrong to my boyfriend, or just scared that im leading this man on, even though I made it clear I wasn’t Interested, or afraid he’s going to attack me in someway.. If I would have just had the freaking balls to say no to giving him my number, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m so afraid, I want to change my number and quit my job.. how should I handle this??

After trauma I developed harm ocd with the worst kind of thoughts and I am in an existential crisis, its been 1.5 half years like hell for the first year, now I can read books and do sport but the thought doesn’t leave me and I can’t find the strength to just accept it because it’s awful. It’s hard for me to meet friends and act nonchalantly. When I am not reading I feel just depressed and that I don’t want to live anymore. It’s a hard daily fight what can I do more?

Hey everyone! I’m new here and thought that it might help to get my OCD story off my chest. My intrusive thoughts are so bad that I never want to talk about them to anyone so maybe that’s why I’m here. When I was 13 my grandma was in the hospital. She was my best friend in the whole world. I imagined so much life with her. I remember pulling into the hospital one day with my Dad and immediately knocking on “wood” (the car door) to help put me at ease about my grandmas health before going in. I knocked on wood because everyone knows that’s what you do when you don’t want something to happen. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her so bad that all I could think about in that moment was something bad happening. So I knocked on wood. It made me feel better so I kept doing it whenever I had bad thoughts. But then it going confusing. If this was helping ease these thoughts, why was I starting to have these thoughts more frequently? 13 year old me didn’t understand what I was doing or why these bad thoughts started. It had got so bad that I was knocking on wood every second of the day, every surface I came across that felt right, and if I didn’t I would force myself to turn around and touch that surface. I would have to knock on wood 8 times every single time but the 7 would have two knocks because the word 7 have two syllables. But then the 8 times wouldn’t be enough, I still wouldn’t feel satisfied so I would do it again and again and again until my entire day was overpowered by intrusive thoughts or knocking on wood. My family and friends started to notice, asking why I do it. I would always avoid the question or make a joke out of it because I couldn’t tell them these terrible thoughts I was having. I was so deeply afraid of something bad happening to the people I love the most or myself that it was debilitating. A couple years later I noticed how bad it had gotten and wanted a change. So I forced myself to stop knocking. I would tell myself angrily that nothing bad would happen if I don’t knock. It took me a lot of convincing and small steps to realize this, but it worked. I got better. I went to the doctors office at about 15 and told them everything. How I did this but how I solved this. They told me it takes great mental strength to be able to fight something in your brain like that. I have always been so mentally strong but hearing them say that made me feel so much better. And I was better. For years. Yea I went through times when it was bad again but it was so much better. The past couple years it has gotten worse again. I noticed that it gets worse when my anxiety about things is higher. New changes, new people, new things. Now, at 21 I won’t let myself get back to the point I was when I was 13, but recently I can’t seem to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I am so terrified of myself or someone else getting hurt of getting older that I put the whole toll on myself. I am so so so happy with my life right now that I don’t want anything to change. That is why it’s been so bad recently. Life is amazing which is why I only want it to get better and I’m so scared something might get in the way of that. I realized after talking to my friends that I never want to say my intrusive thoughts out-loud because I believe strongly in speaking things into existence so I only speak good things out loud. That’s how I’ve always been. But when I talked with my friend she said she’s the opposite, she says the bad things out loud because then you jinx them and they won’t happen. Her saying that gave me a little peace because it made me realize that it’s okay to get these things off my chest and that saying these things out loud isn’t so serious, it’s not life or death like I thought it was. Honestly, the weight of getting my story off my chest has already helped me feel a little lighter of a load on myself.

Does anyone else experience feeling of dread or just wanting to quit life and give up. I notice I get like this after intrusive thoughts. Last night I had a bad one. I was up until 3am I couldn’t sleep because I was obsessing over the thought. I have harm OCD and it makes me fear that I could harm my husband. It’s awful he’s the best thing in my world and I just want all of this to stop😭😭 How do you guys deal with feelings like these. Do you experience dread? Also is night time worst for you?

Months ago I made a mistake at work and I havent brought it up. Im a grad student and part of my work is in the lab. I took some things out of the lab and into a different lab where there's more potential for cross contamination and I'm worried I may have contaminated them and someones lab work will be messed up but because I didn't say anything they'll never know. I feel like I need to announce what happened but it's been months, and I dont actually know if I did contaminate anything and Im embarrassed so I'd rather not. But it keeps popping up and haunting me. I know my OCD is at play right now, I'm not sure if this is a real fear or not...but I also think what I did was wrong, like there's a pretty common protocol to not take that stuff out of the lab, I just didn't think about it at the time. I could tell my advisor on Wednesday and see what she thinks I guess, but in the meantime I'm feeling consumed with guilt and it's hard to work. I know this is possibly an urge to confess so maybe it's good for me to wait? Any thoughts??

Additional trigger warning topics of self harm I struggle with self harm. When I opened up to someone about my struggle with it they told me that my scars were so bad and that my future husband would have to see them. It hurt me really bad. I’m working on stopping and am in therapy to stop doing it. I’m honestly trying so hard. I’m now just afraid that because I have scars that look “bad” no one will love me. That was my best friend at the time who said those things abt my scars. Now I feel unlovable. My ocd tells me that I’m gonna die alone, and that no one will ever love me.

Today it feels real. I have my online boyfriend my current boyfriend who is perfect and right for me that I want to meet and marry soon. I'm tired of these ex thoughts. I don't want to be with my ex or do anything with my ex. I moved on and I'm happy being with my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I feel like a traitor and a cheater. Why is this happening why does it feel real. I'm hurt having these ex thoughts while being with my boyfriend. I'm tired of having to fight these ex thoughts time and time again. I love my current boyfriend I would never be with my ex or do anything that involves with my ex. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend. I'm trying everything I can to prove these thoughts that I don't want my ex. I'm hurt I'm lost. I'm this close to even ending my life because I keep having these ex thoughts while calling my boyfriend. I don't wanna view or think of my ex. I wanna think of my boyfriend. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend I don't wanna keep contuining this cycle. I want these ex thoughts to stop once in for all and let me be happy again with my current perfect boyfriend.

Hello, My name is Dana, I’m new to this app but I’ve been suffering from harm OCD for quite some time now and it’s been extremely debilitating. I’ve never experienced anything like this EVER in my life. It started at the beginning of this year, I got hit like a runaway train with intrusive thoughts and it shook me to my core. I wanted to see if anyone on here has struggled or is currently struggling with harm OCD and could maybe share their stories? It would just be nice to feel less alone and maybe share what has worked/not worked. All I want to do is overcome this! Thanks in advance to all who respond.

Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

Has anyone read the story about the off duty pilot that tried to shut down the plane’s engine mid flight? He was apparently a good guy who would never intentionally do something like that, but he had a “mental breakdown” and thought he was in a dream and didn’t realize what he was doing. He also claimed he was having a panic attack right before his actions. He’s now in jail and his life seems ruined. This has really triggered my harm OCD because it feels like it goes against everything we learn in treatment about intrusive thoughts and are ability to not act on them. I often get panic attacks on flights and have deep fears about opening the emergency exit or causing a scene on the plane. I was at a point where I felt confident I would never act on these thoughts because they go against everything I would ever want to do and would be completely out of character for me. But this story is undoing all of the progress I’ve made in that area.