Kickstart your recovery journey with a caring community of others
working to conquer OCD
constant intrusive thoughts, constant groinal responses. couldn’t even watch a video on TikTok of a toddler throwing a fit bc she opened her legs and immediately my pocd acted up. it gives me groinal responses, bad thoughts, and feelings of anxiety, fear , and shame. I hate this. How do I get through life like this? I can’t even imagine being a teacher or a parent, because the next thought that comes is images of me hurting children. thoughts of “ur a p, ur destined to be a p, ur gonna eventually end up hurting a kid” “ur only freaking out because u know u will be shunned” I hate this. The thoughts go into so much detail and feel so real. No matter what I say or do, it argues back and convinces me im a p. Everytime I see children, anywhere, I can’t stand it because of this. I’m scared to have kids out of fear I will hurt them and do something bad to them for my own pleasure. I feel like one day im just gonna snap and hurt kids. I can’t take this at all. It feels so real. I don’t know what to do. I am crying as I am writing this. The groinal responses feel like actual arousal. I feel so angry, and sad, at the world and myself. I am scared and I think I am actually a p, and instead should get help for that instead of ocd. I don’t know what else to do
Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 my POCD says that the person remembers and that they were negatively affected... i genuinely despise my life...
So before ocd and thoughts i liked to pleasure myself jus like any person would do but now after i do anything my mind convinces me that i did to smth bad or like thought of smth that I wasn’t rly thinking off and it keeps me thinking after it for a while if i did do it with this thought even tho i did it for smth I actually like enjoyed please any tips cause this is so distressing
OCD Journey Stories
Promoted
OCD is a bittersweet reminder of your morals and values, accept and embrace it.
By Shaun Flores
Read my Sexual and Gender OCD story →I am suffering which i hope hocd & tocd , i want to ask lesbians/bisexuals females , when you see a woman touches/ kisses a man in a video or photo , do you feel like you wanted to be touched instead of the man ? Do you feel like the touch on you ?
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16, I am now 23. I was head over heels for him for a couple of years then I went to undergrad and started having thoughts/fears I cheated on him with another man. I would then convince myself I did. Then my ocd got really bad and I convinced myself I was gay, since that time I have been fighting with my thoughts 24/7 trying to decide if I am or if I am not. I wasn't able to eat, sleep, etc. The anxiety has gotten less but it still affects me and my relationship. Now I feel like I am numb to my boyfriend. I never want to have sex, I get scared.. While we have sex I constantly question how I am feeling. Is this normal? I know OCD attaches to things that are important to you, so I like to think its just because I love him so much that all my themes revolve around potentially losing him and it came in a time when I was 5 hours away from him consistently at school. IDk what I'm trying to get from this, just to rant or see that I'm not alone. I am now 6 hours away from him in graduate school so I have other stressors impacting me but I am obsessed with finding out if I truly love him or if I am gay even though before all of this started I never had these thoughts but now I am constantly questioning to the point I've almost convinced myself its true. My anxiety is the worst if I see homosexual women but I also fear I am attracted to women bc I notice them more now I feel like and feel like I have lost my attraction to men. Is this normal? I've been dealing with it for 2.5 years. I want nothing more than to be happy and content with my boyfriend but I cant even tell my true feelings anymore.
Hey guys so I've been doing kind of okay for the past few months (SOOCD was still there in the bcak of my mind but it didnt stop me from living me life) however I got triggered (or I think I did) these past few days for 2 reasons : 1) a person I know just got married to her partner of the same sex and I saw pictures of the ceremony all weekend and it felt like "I wanted this and this feels more genuine than what I have" + they wrote a caption saying how they won't hide anymore and they're poud of who they are etc etc... which felt like I could relate and that I'm actually in denial 2) I was scrolling on Tiktok and saw a video of girl talking to another girl on her podcast and saying that she always thought she was a lesbian and then met the love of her life which happens to be a guy. And then she goes on and says, "growing up I always feared of being anything else than a lesbian" and the other girl says " you know, that's weird, that means that deep down you know it wasnt the right label for you because whe I came out there was no fear of ever being straight or bi, like that was it for me." and then the first girl goes on and says " That's what I've been telling my girl friends. When you're straight and you know that you're straight you dont fear a label or being of another sexuality it shouldnt really matter to you but if you are scared this means that you're actually maybe hiding something". Anyways that triggered me a lotttt!! I dont know what your thoughts are on that so I would love to hear them! for info : I'm a women and have been with my bf for 6 years now.
Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭
My bf of 4 years just broke up with me for unrelated reasons, but now i’m getting these weird urges to be with masc women. is this normal? do i have to do this? i dont want to follow through but it feels like im fighting so much
Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭
Hi new too this app been having gay thoughts for a couple months they have recently went away and so as the anxiety I lost attraction to females but still get turned on too them so does that mean I’m bi or straight cause I don’t think gays get boners to girls I have very confused if this is ocd or something else this has never happend before always had girlfriends etc so someone Please help me out here I don’t think if I was gay I would get erections to girls
I’m so fed up of this, it’s not proper full on intrusive thoughts it’s just this whole general feeling and I hate it, i can’t shake it and i just don’t know what is real or fake. I try to imagine myself in situations and see if i would like it and i don’t think i would but that’s not enough for my brain. I’m also so stressed because back in february when this girl wanted my snap and sent me into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, i saw her at work yesterday and it made me feel so stressed. My brain told me this stress meant I liked her?? but i don’t. In February before her friends even said about wanting my snap I was fine because I don’t like her?! But as soon as that happened i got all these intrusive thoughts like ‘oh you must look gay then’ and from then on every time i have work i get bad anxiety - my brain keeps saying this anxiety is attraction does anyone have any advice? i’m sure it’s not attraction but my brain keeps saying it is and i get intrusive thoughts and feelings.
So me and my boyfriend have been to a wedding this weekend. He was all dressed up in a suit and looked incredible. My ocd was veey mild for the whole day and I couldnt take my eyes off him. It made me get excited about one day getting married to him, and all our friends at the end of the night were joking we would be next as we have been together for ages. All today I have been joking and talking to him about when its our turn what we want etc at our wedding. This evening suddenly I feel like my ocd is really strong. It is saying I dont wanna be with him and Im actually gay so cant marry him. Its horrible - I was so happy with how yesterday went and this morning talking about weddings was lovely. Anyone else have this?? 💗
This is probably going to be triggering for some of you who suffers from so-ocd, so I just want to clarify: it's MY experience, I'm not invalidating yours. I've experienced intrusive thoughts since I was like 10 y.o., some of them really scared me and made me afraid of my own brain. When I was 18/19 y.o, I started having a lot of doubts about my sexual orientation: I couldn't stop thinking about it, I became obsessed about the idea I could be bisexual and not straight as I thought. I made a research online and I found out about ocd: it all made sense. I was scared but also relieved to find an answer that made sense to all of that. I'm now 21: I spent years trying to find the right treatment. In November I got officially diagnosed with ocd, but my therapist didn't do erp. At the same time, I started dating a wonderful guy (my actual boyfriend). We had some very beautiful months, we did a lot of things together and I was really happy. However, I was also overwhelmed by anxiety, all the time. I experimented derealization very strongly. I still had some so-ocd thoughts, even if they started to reduce, then developed rocd and I also started to become obsessed about ocd itself. So I started to look out for a new therapist (I wanted to find someone who did ERP), and when I was on her office, telling her all my thoughts, I got so triggered... like, she said that "experimenting in a young age is good" and when I said that being with my boyfriend made me feel calm, she said "because you didn't have anxiety regarding your sexual orientation?", making me feel very guilty, like I was using him just to find relief. She eventually said what I was experiencing was likely ocd, but she triggered me anyway. I never returned to her, and a very difficult and strange period started. When I went out of that place, I was somehow convinced I was a lesbian: I thought "Well, it's not the answer you wanted, but there it is". I also watched videos on YouTube, read a lot of articles... and somehow started to think that was it. The scary and confusing thing was that I didn't have that invasive anxiety anymore. The sensation of derealization had already started decreasing, but since that day it almost disappeared. One week later I couldn't hold it together anymore, I cried with my boyfriend and told him all my doubts. I went home devasted, I missed him a lot, all that didn't seem to have sense: suddenly, I couldn't recall to my mind all the reasons I had previously thought about that made me a lesbian. We had a very difficult month, with a lot of ups and downs, we kinda broke up. Now, I've started a new therapy with a therapist I found thanks to the international ocd foundation. I finally found someone who is qualified, who told me I'm dealing with ocd, however... it really doesn't seem like ocd anymore. I ruminate about my sexual orientation and what should I do with my boyfriend all day long, but I don't have anxiety anymore. My heart beats faster sometimes, I'm sad, I cry, but that's it, I don't have that huge anxiety and big sense of urgency as before. The idea of being bisexual/lesbian doesn't even scare me anymore. On the contrary, I'm starting to be more anxious at the idea of staying with my boyfriend, even if before he was my safe place and I wanted to love him with all my heart. So... it wasn't ocd all this time? Or it was, but there is also something else going on? Should I take courage, break up with him, and try to solve these things out in a different way? Or it's another trick of ocd, and in the moment I'll break up, it will make me doubt everything once again?
Hey guys! Im new to this app but only because sadly ive been going through a new “theme”. But I wanted to post my success story for HOCD after seeing so many people on here going through it sadly. So here we go… I was 15 years old life was going amazing. Easy living, had just got a new girlfriend and so much in puppy love it was awesome. Fastfoward 3 months I woke up one morning in a panic I thought I was turning homosexual. It wasnt even a thought and nothing triggered it that I can remember it was just there. I obsessed about it and had no idea what was going on or why. I remember texting my bestfriend “hey man have you ever just lost feelings or attraction to girls out of nowhere”? Not knowing at the time this was a compulsion. Then I fell into the good ol google. First thing I searched and ill never forget “why is my mind trying to make me gay?” and the first thing that popped up with was a support group for HOCD. If I hadnt of found that I would probably of lost my mind…. But knowing now I wish I never did because I was on it 24/7 everyday reading and getting reassurance just to feel better for 5 minutes. So after struggling and coming go conclusion of what I thought I had I pulled my parents aside and asked for help. Crying to them and telling them I needed help because my mind was spiraling. Keep in mind I grew up in a Christian background and southern roots. I told them “My mind is making me think im gay and i dont know what to do. I think I have something called HOCD but I dont know.” My mom insisted it was adolescence and hormones and I was just “confused”. I wanted to go to therapy but I didnt know how to ask. I thought if I could just get on medicene that would make me happy this would all go away but I never had the chance to. My tutor at the time was a church pastor and my mom mentioned to her what I was going through and she recommended having me sit down with a conversion therapist. Can you imagine how much distress that gave me? But at the time I said okay if this will make it better… But we never went through with this. Im just here to say I dealt with this for 3 years with no therapy and no medication. I noticed guys everywhere I went.. On tv, in the streets. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I was afraid I may look gay(this is not a homophobic post i have many gay friends now). Now to the concurred part. I now have a beautiful wife, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 turtles and im not worried about it. Funny thing to me that always seems to happen with OCD/pure o is I can remember the day and the time it started but I cannot remember when it stopped. Im not sure if you get used to it or become numb to the feelings. But for everyone out there dealing with this their is hope. I would advise getting therapy and opening up to loved ones even if you are scared. Theres light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like living hell now but I promise you will have a happy life. Sorry for this crazy long post! Love to you all and stay strong!
Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭
My hocd has been acting up again. Now I get anxious thoughts with my boyfriend sexual and everything. Maybe because I am in my head I have to always feel turned on other way I am lesbian. So now I get REALLY anxious about those thoughts. When i get thoughts about lesbians I feel like I don’t feel same anxiety and just get groinal. So yeah it feels so real now and I just want to cry. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend because of this. I was so happy with 7 months and then my ocd started to again with hocd and rocd. So it feels so stupid to think I am lesbian because I love him and everything was fine before these thoughts. But it feels real because now I get anxious thoughts with my boyfriend and not other girls. I hate this I really hope this would end. I have had hocd before and I remember it was same but it’s doesn’t help how I feel.
I give up. The false feelings and groinal responses are just too much and too real. I can't even look at the same sex now without thinking, they look good, automatically turns it into a sexual thing and..."response". I'm focused in on all the slightest things that they do and my brain goes "like" and response. My brain tells me I like them. I'm no longer anxious. I can't seem to fight it. It's just insane now. It convinces me I like this and don't, doesn't feel like me but the urge comes in and that's it. It's took away any draw I had to the opposite sex. All because of my lack of experience with relationships and sex in general (anything I have, particularly sex I get a self esteem block, tell myself everything bad and what I won't happen etc) my head is just saying "well this is probably you then etc." Because the false feelings seem so automatic now. I'm comfortable around women because I've never seemingly them as a threat, just friends. Always felt awkward around guys for the opposite reasons, likes a few guys that I've been interested that have never been interested in me. (Also I have it in my head that you're supposed to feel responses to your preferred sex too, and I've not been) Now I just feel despondent. Now this so-ocd is the most engaged it's ever been and I can't fight anymore. My identity has changed. Only ever been drawn to guys, and now it feels it's changed completely. I don't like it. I've only ever wanted physical and romantic relationships with men, that's all I've imagined. This is alien to me. Plus, I've had responses and draws previous to kids, and inappropriate sexual things too, bad things. So I don't know whether it's just I'm responding to things that aren't me, and not responding to things that are because I don't let myself. I don't know whether this is normal with this now.
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life