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It feels like I have turned gay I don’t even think I have hocd anymore I just want to end it all

Taking a walk down memory lane ❤️I used to stare at the knife blocks in my house because I was picturing myself committing suicide in vivid detail terrified I would do it. I was probably 7-9. I also had one about a stuffed penguin I had, where I’d imagine it lost and crying for me :,) that one still gets me even as an adult.

My OCD flared up and went to town on my mental well being yesterday. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought, groinal response after groinal response, rumination after rumination. All three of which lead to a dark rabbit hole. Trying to figure out if I am capable of any of those actions presented in the thoughts, coming up with scenarios in which the “possibilities” is high for said actions and lastly, trying to determine if I need to unalive myself or have myself institutionalized to prevent all of it. I know it was all just what I would usually tell many of you, “A bad day with OCD,” but today as the title says. I’m just emotionally drained. Don’t care to fight back against the OCD. If the OCD says I’m a pedophile, maybe I am, maybe I’m not, I don’t care. If my groinal area wants to move, let it, I don’t care. Now for my personal question, anyone ever get to this point? Just emotional indifference? Please reply, today is already a bad day but I promise to try to have a better day tomorrow.

I have had OCD all of my life. It affects absolutely everything I do. Those of you that have it know exactly what I mean. I'm a 50 year old male and I have been on meds for 30 plus years. Most days I'm fine, except for a bit of compulsive checking. Lately, I have been absolutely overwhelmed with my job, which I absolutely hate. I have been at it for over 14 years. I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown and feel so terrible and ashamed for my poor wife having to deal with my emotions. I feel like a failure of a man and husband, though she's always by my side. I'm currently looking for new work but my OCD just accentuates everything. Lately, whenever I'm about to clock on for the day I nearly have a panic attack. And over what? A stupid job that would replace me in a heartbeat?? They have already led on that I'm not too far from that. OCD just makes everything soo damn big. Instead of realizing it's just time to move on and just take the necessary steps to do so, I Instead overthink and panic. This is my current struggle. Just wanted to share. Soo damn tired that all I think about is retirement. I'm just wishing my life away to the age when I'll seemingly be more at peace. Thanks for reading.

I am 16, my name is marie. I am in desperate need of help. Here are afew of my stories. 1. and ever since I was 8, I want to say, I have struggled with POCD. I always felt like a predator to my younger niece and cousin. I’ve grown to hate her for solely no reason, and with my two other nephews that came along, I’ve also grown to hate them. Only because I don’t want to seem like a predator, even though it’s in my mind, do I want others to know I hate them and have no liking for them. There were other cases where it isn’t my niece and nephews and I just always had a hatred towards children I felt like if I actually had a bad experience with them I would’ve seriously harmed them. 2. I have no connection to watching Gore, or I was never exposed to Gore until the age of 12, which was a hard year for me. In 2019-2020, I believe it was when a complete stranger, Ronnie Mccnut, killed himself on a livestream, and people made it an internet meme for years after, and still to this day, I see it. I can’t remember if it affected me at 12, but that was the only time I saw it. Now, at 15, in March 2024, it came back to me. It feels like a curse. I’m just so tired. The same nightmare has been going on for months. Since March, it’s more just memories than just nightmares. It feels stupid because I don’t know the guy, but I always have nightmares of him, and I haven’t even seen the video since I was 12; ever since. I cannot sleep ever since I have had no proper sleep schedule and could only sleep when it was daylight at 6-7 a.m. and wake up at 2-3 p.m. My friend is not helping; she’s saying he’s spirit is attached to me, and I’ve lived thinking for the past few weeks that he was attached to me and wanting to curse me in some way and I felt like I had to kill myself/ felt like I was going to die the same way as him. I always had a fear that if I came to someone online and told them my intrusive thoughts, they’d always use them against me. My other friend who is diagnosed with OCD says I have all the symptoms and I just need to be treated. I can’t afford it, and I hate therapy.. my father is always involved for the consultation and laughed at me the last few times. I was forced into an eating disorder clinic from my narcissistic sister and that did not go well. Ohio health care is no help and they don’t care for you. 3. I don’t remember much but around age 14 to beginning of 15 I always felt the need to die, I felt like I needed to kill myself for everyone’s sake there’s no explanation for this one I was a normal kid I was going to school, good grades I have friends I was going to events I just had this task to having to kill myself, yes I’ve attempted a ton at the age of 14 and luckily I haven’t had any serious harm done to me. There is nothing more to say to this it’s a fuzzy memory.

So today im sensitive for a reason, but im working on it, and after listening music and hearing some words like "ending my life" and these kind of things made me triggered and i felt like i want to do it. It felt like bc its hard now i would do it, but its definitely not true cause now i dont think like that, but im scared why it felt so real. Im working on beliefs but i dont find any beliefs about ending my life... but this was so strong, i was afraid im actually wanting it or if i continue to think about it i will act on it cause of the feeling. It was like it wants to drag me in, i couldnt move away from it, and it felt like if i continue this i will like it and act on it. Im working on my beliefs but even if a change it it still comes back and i dont think this is actually my belief cause then i would believe that everytime, not just in a moment then after that i believe somethi g else... I cant wrote down actually how it felt, but it really was like im starting to believe in that and if i dont do something then i might act on it. Please dont write go to a hospital, i dont care about that, i want to heal from ocd...

I’m so scared of my brain, it keeps giving me weird intrusive thought I don’t want and I’m terrified, my biggest suptypes are pocd and iocd, I can’t even be around me people I love anymore without being scared of what my brain is gonna come up with Like I can’t even be around kids anymore without feeling guilty and don’t feel safe leaving the house, I feel like I’m overly aware when there kids around me, and I try to avoid looking at them, every time I see a kid my brain gives me some gross thought that I know that I don’t want Im terrified of hurting a kid and I know that I never want to but I feel so disgusting, I can’t even think about my younger cousins without my brain being gross but my brain just won’t stop, it’s so distressing, I feel like being asleep is my only escape from it, I don’t even want to wake up anymore, I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be awake

Has anyone done erp therapy for their suicidal ocd? The first theme I ever got was suicidal intrusive thoughts that terrified me to the point where I was on the floor throwing up and shaking. My fear was getting depressed because I always thought depression leads to suicide. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression about a month or 2 ago and this just raised my anxiety & ocd tremendously. Therefore I mm not scared of my intrusive thoughts but they do give me this stomach dropping feeling so I do react a little but no how I used to. Every time I get suicidal intrusive thoughts it makes me feel like I’m actually thinking about it and it worries me that I’m not even scared anymore. Has this been an issue for anyone??

I hate myself. It's on a constant loop. I hate everything about myself. I can't stand my face sometimes or how people perceive my body. I hate my personality. I hate my flaws and I just feel like a bad person. I don't know how else to put it. I'm 5 months clean from S/H but I think about it constantly. Sometimes it's just for no reason it's just because I need to release something and I have no other way but I know I can't do it. I wish I didn't affect people the way I do. I wish I did more. I wish I helped more and people liked me more. I wish I wasn't the weird kid that doesn't even fit in with the "different" kids. I know it's ungrateful. I know I am. I am so thankful for everything in my life but I wish I wasnt myself sometimes. People die everyday and I'm unthankful for my life. Everyday I can't do anything without thinking about how much I just hate myself. I hate my inner voice. I don't know if this is disrespectful but sometimes I wonder why God would give my life to me instead of someone who would actually deserve it. Someone who wouldn't think everyday they're just a disgusting horrible human being and can actually enjoy things. everything I do I look back and hate myself for it and thanks exhausting. Maybe I deserve that. But I know there's someone right now suffering or dead that would take my life over theirs and day. And I feel so guilty about that. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to fix it but anytime I mess up I feel like I go back 20 steps. It feels like a loop.

hello friends! i hope everyone is doing well and making progress in their OCD recovery journey. for the last few months, i have found my themes and subtypes switching nearly by the week. yesterday, i had a HUGE trigger that sent me into a spiral. i’m currently in an argument with a friend over a silly mistake i made. we were taking yesterday and i took full accountability (confessing) that i did something i should not have done. after the person shared they still felt uneasy about the situation, i had the thought “what if my friend takes their life because of this? what if they take their life and i’m responsible? what if they take their life because of my mistake?” it’s almost like my brain has told me it’s going to happen or will happen. has anyone experienced this intrusive thought before? i would assume this is a suicide theme or responsibility themed OCD thought. any feedback is much appreciated! thanks everyone!

I am having a serious breakdown. I am SO SCARED that I won’t be able to get through this. I am scared I will give up. I am scared that I will eventually not be scared. I am scared of being depressed. I am scared of literally everything right now. I’m in a med change day 3 and I understand that can make things worse. But I’m just scared and need words of encouragement. I am crying. I don’t know how someone could be in so much mental pain and make it out.

i don't even know if i have ocd but it would make sense. the semester before i dropped out of college i was completely unable to function — i was addicted to weed and getting high on cough syrup and i could barely eat. i ruined my friendships and broke up with both my partners because i was so so scared that people would find out how awful i was. i didnt feel like i could trust the people around me to be an accurate judge of morality because i felt like they were too black and white. looking back, I was the one that was too black and white but ive never trusted myself to be a good person instinctively anyways so i was just caught in a web of "i dont know if im doing the right thing i dont think im doing the right thing i think everyone is being too harsh but maybe they're not maybe im just a horrible person" and nobody SAID that but i believed they thought it (or would think it). i was trying so so hard to be a good person and to do the right things all the time and i was NEVER succeeding so i would just get high and try to shut off my mind and pretend it wasnt happening. when my cousin died it was awful and i was shocked and grieving but every time i cried i was so, so relieved because since i was 7 I've worried that if a family member died i wouldn't be affected. i felt so guilty when matthew died because even though i cried and i knew i was sad i felt like i shouldve been worse. i didnt like when people talked about it because i knew i shouldve felt more but i didnt know what to say and pretending i did and trying to act like a normal person grieving for their cousin was exhausting and stressful and i hated it. when i spiral about something i did or something i said i fantasize about being stabbed in the stomach or gouging my eye out and i used to cut myself for some sense of relief but now i mostly hit myself or use the end of my cigarettes or dig my nails into my skin because it's easier to hide. nobody notices bruises or tiny circular burns on your arms so i dont have to wear long sleeves and long pants. My entire life ive known there's something wrong with me and it's only recently that I've tried to talk to my family about it and every time i do it just goes horribly. it's not like theyre not supportive but they dont believe me and they just tell me it's normal and they get frustrated when i try to explain that it ISNT because there IS something wrong and i didnt know what but im pretty sure it's OCD because that makes sense with how my thoughts spiral and the guilt and the patterns and the rules for how i interact with people so that they might forgive me for everything else. and sometimes i just want to be hurt or sick or something undeniably horribly wrong so people will feel bad for me and i used to SH and act suicidal because if someone found out then maybe they would know how bad i feel and maybe then they would forgive me for it. and maybe this isnt ocd or maybe it is but im just so so tired of being told im fine when im NOT because it's not like i can just say all of this to them. it's not like i can say "the first time i tried to kill myself was when i was seven because i got yelled at so i tried to drink nail polish remover." i cant say "i dont know if i care if i die at 60 because of smoking" and i cant say "ive always been the fuckup of the family and the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit better about that is if i stop trying not to be." i cant SAY that

I'm planning to take Prozac medication for my OCD. How is it for all of you? What side effects did you get? What's the worst that could happen when taking it? I was told diarrhea, suicidal thoughts, and upset stomachs were the worst that could happen. I'm a little scared of the side effects but I still want to take them soon.

Hi everyone if you haven’t read my latest posting I’m ysabelle & I am 16 years old and this is my on going battle with OCD, depression, anxiety and DPDR. To start off if you want to hear my story of how I first got it I have another post up! I wanted to ask if anyone has every experienced existential intrusive thoughts but has suicidal OCD too. I’ve been trying to find some type of comfort because the first theme I had with intrusive thoughts were suicidal/ harm. I’ve learned how to deal with them where they don’t bother me like they used to, long story short I was having existential intrusive thoughts without knowing it. I thought I was developing dementia because I would stare at my mom and an intrusive thought popped up into my head “ what if you don’t know her “ she was my comfort until that day. I was terrified thinking I didn’t know her or recognize her like I used to. Well I wanted to ask if anyone has dealt with suicidal OCD but existential thoughts like “what’s the point of living if we die anyways?” & how did you cope? I was overthinking because I was trying to figure out if I was suicidal because I would get these thoughts and it made me feel uncomfortable and just more defeated and depressed. I now know it’s the existential intrusive thoughts so I do feel a little better. I was thinking these thoughts were coming from me because of my depression but I’m trying everyday !🫶🏻☀️

It seems like there’s so many different forms of OCD that i’m truly left wondering what i’m seeking help for, and if this is even going to work for me. How do you know when you’ve had “false memory OCD”, “relationship OCD”, or even “suicidal OCD” i feel like i’m just so mentally twisted that i’ll just take whatever kind of help there is , even if this isn’t really what’s wrong with me? How would I even get my own boyfriend to understand what i’m going through if I’m diagnosed with OCD?

The idea of being pregnant has scared me since as long as I remember. I would intentionally avoid pregnant teachers in the hallway of my elementary school. I am now an adult and sexually active with a partner I am so totally in love with. BUT i am in constant fear of getting pregnant, even when we use protection. I find resentment growing against my partner that he does not have to worry about this and that his body is not at risk or as vulnerable as mine is. When i imagine myself getting pregnant, I immediately resort to ideas of self harm. I believe that suicide would be a better option for me than the eternal trauma of giving birth. Most people picture their ideal birth experiences where the baby is placed on their chest and they sigh a breath of relief and all the pain was worth it. I imagine myself screaming in agony, begging to be put out of my misery, only for the thing that ripped me in half to be put on my chest and fill me with rage. I don’t think I could bear looking at it. the intrusive imagery of me during birth or the baby kicking around inside of me haunts me day to day. I cannot find freedom from this fear and everybody tells me it’s “not that bad.” maybe it isn’t to them, but this is a lifelong fear. I used to want children , but my fear and bodily reactions to the idea of pregnancy only get more severe to the point where i look at a baby and picture its mother screaming in agony. I get angry for the mothers. I know this is not regular and I wish more than anything that I could view pregnancy and having a baby as a blessing or something cool my body can do, but instead, it’s a curse. Regulations on abortion and maybe birth control are only making this worse. I had a psychotic break two weeks back and feel like i am teetering on another one. I want to harm myself or mistreat myself in order to hurt my fertility. Everyday i feel like i am slowly approaching my doom of a painful and traumatic pregnancy and birth. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like im trapped in my enemy’s body. I feel like my body is a traitor. I don’t even know how to describe this to a therapist. Regular talk therapy has not helped this problem over the past four years. I want to beat OCD because i want to be a normal human being who doesn’t want to stab her ovaries or harm herself when she thinks about growing a family. It’s affecting my sex life and my relationship too. I’m so scared.

Sensitive topics (again) 18+ ——————————— I’ve been posting a lot lately and what’s been on my mind. I guess this fear started as something that was less reprehensible, as a kid I used to say a lot of offensive stuff, etc, I was scared I’d get exposed or that those messages would somehow resurface and ruin my career later down the line. I eventually got over that fear, well kind of, except it’s taken a different form. For as long as I’ve been online, I don’t recall ever initiating anything sexual myself, only like once or twice and that was when I was about 13 or 12 but it was with someone my own age. I’ve mentioned before I frequented sites like Omegle a lot and I’d encounter people my age or older adults, since it’s been taken down I no longer use it the same can be said with other websites that are still up. I do remember that sometimes there were kids on there, I remember being annoyed at times and I did lecture them about it before skipping them. My biggest fear now is that someday I’ll be exposed for grooming someone, but I genuinely can’t recall a time I’ve ever done that to anybody online. There was a time when I was younger where I felt extremely awkward even talking dirty or doing anything of the sort, I only started doing that sort of stuff when I was 14 years old, and that was with someone that was about the same age as me. I cringed and didn’t know what to do at times. I even remember being proud that I had never done such a thing to anybody younger than me, I can’t remember anyone and if you asked me to name someone I couldn’t possibly do so, because they (probably) don’t exist. Whenever I lie down and try to remember and sift through my memories I don’t find anything. Yesterday I remembered I spoke to someone on a different site called y99 but it was a friendly conversation. I was 18 then, I still am, just recently turnt. I think he was my age or older? I can’t remember, but my mind’s telling me he was younger? I think he was between 17 or 22 I genuinely can’t remember. At the time I was hesitant showing people my art but since this was a regular conversation I thought it’d be fine. At the time I remember I was worrying about whether or not any nudes I had taken and sent to people might be floating around on the internet without me knowing, so I was cautious and thought “what if somebody recognizes my art if I am successful and they remember that?” My brain’s turning this into something else and telling me that I was really only worried about people finding out I was a sexual predator. I was genuinely worried at that time about pictures of me nude being traced back to my art somehow, but now I’m not so sure about how I felt. I can’t remember if I’ve done something wrong and my mind keeps going back to times I spoke to people two years younger than me, I’m scared I’ve ruined my life already without knowing it. There was a YouTuber a couple of years ago who was called a “groomer” just because he spoke to someone a year or two years younger than him. I just want some certainty, I don’t want to keep attaching different meanings to normal conversations or otherwise. I have no energy to do anything and no motivation to keep moving forward, I think I’m some sort of monster and thinking back to things I did as a child haven’t helped my case. I attempted a couple of days ago but got scared the moment I let go. I was excited to graduate weeks ago, I finally did it, but I couldn’t even enjoy that fully. I don’t know, I think my life is a waste at this point and me getting this far was for nothing, I’ll inevitably get exposed for something I forgot I did and my life will be ruined. I feel selfish for even thinking about myself and only about my life, what about that person’s life that I messed up? I don’t know what’s real anymore, I’m incredibly tired and I just want some closure that I will never get. People tell you to try and deal with the uncertainty but I can’t. I can’t be at peace and I can’t just enjoy life and sit around when I’ve potentially done something wrong. I can’t enjoy life, I can’t fool myself into this false sense of security

I made a very reckless decision. Last year I went to the movies when my dad tested positive for Covid and I did not even test before I went. Not maliciously at all, I just didn’t even think to since I didn’t feel sick. But I got sick a few days after. I wasn’t gonna go to the movies but my brother wouldn’t stop asking me and I caved in and went, since I wasn’t going to be face to face with anyone and I felt it was low risk. No one sat next to us. I wore a mask of course. But obviously there were still risks. People could have gotten it from touching the door handle that I touched and then touching their face when eating popcorn. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this. I cannot even live with myself. Usually I’m careful when it comes to Covid but not this time. Yes people make mistakes but nobody has made a Covid mistake as bad as this one! I don’t deserve to live.

I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.

This theme just started for me literally yesterday. I had one thought while taking my Prozac “what if you just took this whole bottle” and now I’m absolutely spiraling. The thoughts feel SO FU**ING REAL!!! I’ve struggled with harm ocd before about loved ones but never about myself. Anybody else go through this? And the thoughts feel so real like I actually do want to and like I am okay with it but I know that I’m not and that id never actually do it. But my brain is trying to convince me that I will. Please tell me I’m not alone with this?!! I am seeing a therapist and do have med management, I’m currently starting over on Prozac because I stopped it when I started feeling better. Bad idea.. because now I’m back at square one. But does anybody else go through this? And because I’m not like full on panicking about the thoughts, that makes me feel even worse. I mean I am anxious about them and like obsessing over the thoughts and whatnot, but I’m not in a full fledge panic either. Idk… just wanna know if anybody else struggles with this too?