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Can anyone tell me what its like to have ROCD when ur going through a rough patch in the relationship?

I’m constantly thinking, constantly worrying and constantly trying to figure things out. It’s gotten to the point where I think I’ve ruined my talking stage because I got so freaked out. I got scared I was annoying him, so I mentioned it and he was like don’t fear. To which I opened up to him about. He’s now left me on read, but he’s done this before and most of the time he comes back it’s now a waiting game. But my brain is telling me that I’ve ruined it again. That I’m the issue and I’ve scared him off, the thing is I won’t ever know if I have. I don’t think he’s gonna pop back up, I don’t know why but I just feel like he’s done with me, and I can’t loose someone again. I’ve lost too much this year, this would throw me off balance again. How do I stop thinking? It’s literally getting to the point now where I don’t even want to leave the house. I have nothing to leave the house for. I feel like the shell of a person, I wake up every morning annoyed I’ve woken up and have to start the day. I look forward to going back to sleep, and during the day I’ll most likely sleep unreal amounts. Maybe him stopping talking to me is a good thing, because I need to be alone. But I’m scared he thinks I’m some sorta freak now and I can’t have that. I want to be able to meet up with him in the future. I’ve been too much, and idk how to turn it around

I’ve been trying really hard lately to work on positive self-talk and changing how I relate to myself. I understand that this isn’t something that happens overnight. But I just struggle with bad thoughts that creep in anytime I try to think positively about me. It’s like there’s this giant titanium wall in my brain that I feel like I can physically “feel” in a sense that isn’t allowing me to truly believe and feel what I’m trying to instill in myself. I have been writing and looking for ways to practice self love and acceptance, but I guess I am just having a difficult time with that because my brain feels this “block”. It just feels like I’m lying to myself. I feel better about myself when I’m doing things with my life and focusing on creativity and the things I love, and I feel like I have endless love and compassion for others when I feel good about myself. But I usually only feel good about myself when it comes to the positive aspects. Like how I love music and being kind to people and singing and dancing. But I am having a very hard time accepting the parts of myself that are very dark. How do you even tell yourself that you love those parts when you don’t? I just don’t understand how to get there. Maybe I just need to do it in some creative way and not desire a structured method. I think part of me also believes that if I were to truly accept and love myself that that would mean there’s potential for others to hurt me because I could be vulnerable. I also just struggle with how I manage working on myself while also caring for others and just the balancing act of it all stresses me out so much. It feels like I can either ONLY focus on me or ONLY focus on others, and I don’t want to do that because I know that’s just not conducive to any sort of healing or healthy lifestyle. I think I also just get so caught up in meeting people and wanting to connect with them and be known and loved for the very reason of not feeling like my own love for myself is good enough. Or that I won’t be able to exist without those who love me. Overall, there are so many fears that I don’t know how to address. I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process of my own healing, but I feel like I have already because I haven’t known what I have wanted or how to set boundaries. I know I can’t blame myself for everything, but I guess I just go into life with these certain expectations for how things should go especially because I’m in my 20s and haven’t attended in-person college yet and really desire the college experience minus the substance use. As you can see I tend to have this stream of consciousness thing going on whenever I have negative thoughts and it makes it really hard to pick things to focus on and work on because I feel like if I don’t address it all at once then I just won’t succeed. I just know that me feeling bad about myself and not confident leads me to isolate and not know how to act around anybody. And when I try to just be me and say random things and don’t receive necessarily positive responses, I shut down and think I’m not worthy of people’s time or energy. I don’t want to need that external validation, but I don’t know how to work on that.

i’ve been struggling a bit these past few days. i’ve been remembering every single time i’ve felt awkward around a group of girls, or my friends, or my family and my ocd keeps telling me that it was because i wasn’t living my “true authentic life” by being out to them. i’ve always been a very shy and reserved person. even my best friend says that i can be closed off and mysterious, but i’m still struggling with this thought that maybe if i came out, i’d blossom. thing is, i know this isn’t true. i feel like, if anything, i’d feel more closed off and uncomfortable knowing that people perceive me as something that feels inherently incongruent to what i know myself to be. i’ve also spiked seeing stuff about comphet. the idea that romantic/sexual feelings can be societally induced is terrifying to me. it doesn’t help that i’ve had some awkward dating experiences (probably because of ocd) that i think my so-ocd feeds on. i’m trying to accustom myself to the idea that i don’t need a clear-cut answer, that i can just be me, but my brain doesn’t accept that. it keeps telling me that i’ll never be able to fall in love unless i know, and i’m TERRIFIED of falling in love with a guy only to know that it was all fake. it makes the idea of dating paralyzing to me. all in all, boo :(

I know its out of ocd/ mental health content.... But has someone here had any experience with this?? I would like to listen as this is something bothering me... And i feel like i have telepathy with someone... Or have i just gone mad... I don't know the weird things happening with me is so scary....

Does anyone else have a partner with almost no anxiety/OCD. I guess opposites attract but my gosh it can you make you feel so alone and isolated in the relationship. Or more so just “less than”. The “crazy one”. I’ll even convince myself I’m not good enough for him because he has such good mental health. I’ve been honest about my ocd with him but I’ve never shared with him my intrusive thoughts that are taboo. Especially harm ocd because he literally has almost next to no anxiety (I’m jealous lol) Do you guys think it’s completely necessary to tell your partner everything about your ocd? Confessing is a huge compulsion of mine so it’s difficult to keep it from him but I’m afraid he’d think I am nuts. I am just not ready.

Magical thinking/ Harm OCD Scared that I’m inadvertently manifesting my negative thoughts through words and actions. My thoughts are mainly out loud, it’s a habit I developed when I used to answer my thoughts back and now it doesn’t stop. My therapist says words are just words but I don’t fully believe him, especially growing up Christian and you learn that words have power. I’m constantly questioning what I’m doing when I have/say a thought so I don’t liken anything to happen. Do you believe in manifestation?

I’m getting intrusive thoughts of telling people I’m a P or a chomo for the extremely horrible real events when I was 13 when I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts…  I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…

I’m temping right now, which is good because I don’t feel pressure. But today, I was asked if I was interested In permanent position. Boy my OCD just shot up.

I have no one to blame but myself. I tell myself that I will change but I’ve been saying that for years already. I feel hopeless and stuck in my ways. I can’t blame anyone else because I have been handed great opportunities in my life, a lot of things were given to me by the stroke of luck. I swear if I had a normal brain, I would be quite successful given my opportunities and luck. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter, because I still manage to fuck it all up. It is me who ends up sabotaging myself. I made myself this way…sigh… maybe one day I will snap out of this…

I’ve been going like all out in ERP to make sure that the anxiety stops and now I’m trying to understand if this is a compulsion ? And if it is what do I do ?

im a girl maybe a lesbian not so sure anymore huh (and enlgish isn't my first language sorry) I feel like I have OCD and I want to do exposures and all that stuff But at the same time i can't help but think "what's the point of doing this? what if I do therapy only to find out I was bisexual or straight who actually liked guys since the very beginning? That would mean i was deceiving myself so bad into thinking I had 'ocd' about guys when i actually liked them, so stupid ugh" I don't remember anything about my past, but whenever i do or see or hear something memories come up at me all of a sudden and it feels like they must mean I like boys. Are those really my memories i'm so confused. I think the probability of me being bi is so high it won't make any difference if I do therapy, because I probably like guys anyway. But then, i don't want to like guys. But what if I'm in denial? This sounds like denial... What made me think I can like girls in the first place?... What 'lesbian' would have this kind of thoughts? It probably already means deep down I like guys but too afraid to accept that. Why do I think about this... I just want to punish myself for having intrusive thoughts. It really feels like i'm so in denial.... i don't know what i'm expecting to hear?? I don't want to live like this anymore but i feel like a fraud :(

Feel like this year my ROCD has been at it's worse. I feel like it's tearing away, bit by bit, me and my husband. I get these thoughts that he doesn't love me anymore and is just pretending so he doesn't have to deal with another divorce. Thoughts that he's emotionally moved on and can't stand to be around me. I mean... I can't stand to be around me either like this so I don't blame him. My ROCD got set off hard again this weekend. My husband wanted to go out to a bar and talk to some folks about our band opening sometime. He asked if I'd like to go and I simply said "I don't want to be out late " so he took it as "well that means you don't want to go so just stay home.".... No I just didn't want to be out late and home at a decent time bc I get headaches without enough sleep. But I figured what a good way to emerse my self in being uncomfortable with him going out alone, especially if he said he will not be out late. Baby steps right? He said and texted that he was not staying out that late so no worries. So he left 5:30pm.... And of course was out until 2:12 am (1:12am with the time change). So of course I didn't sleep bc here he has lied to me again and it set off a ton of intrusive thoughts ranging from he's cheating, to he's not where he says he really is, is he drinking again? Etc. Etc. Him doing doing what he said doesn't seem to bother him. I didn't bring it up bc he'd get mad and defensive. I wish I could make him understand what I'm dealing with so we can work together.... Makes me feel more alone. Anyone else deal with that in ROCD? Anyways. Taking a big step today and contacting some doctors to see if they can help and if they take my insurance. I'm tired of not being myself and being at war with my mind almost every waking moment.

So guys another morning i feel like shit. Rn it has to do with my brother and me in regards to my family. I never wanted to live on dorm. I wanted to save money and was comfortable at home. My parents made me live on dorm and take out loans and now im 60,000 dollars in debt. The only reason i took out the loans was because my dad said hed help pay for them. Which was a lie. On my second year on campus i was very much alone and wanted to come stay home. My ocd was getting really bad at one point. I think that was my first really bad wave of ocd and i dont think the isolation and loneliness helped. Evey weekend i would drag my bag downtown take the subway than take the bus and wait for my parents to pick me up in their car as a single female alone and my dad would ask why i was home. My brother started his freshman year and my parents take turns driving all the way to pick him up. No bus, no train. My dad would tell him to not come home too much but now asks him when he’s coming home next as if he’s excited while i seemed to be a nuisance. My brother will also bring all his laundry and do it at home (when there is a laundry mat on campus) and my parents will get mad at me if im doing laundry the day hes coming back even if i don’t know because it varies. Also the other day my mom went to get food for my brother and not me , my brother got food for just himself, and then i was coming home and my parents got mad at me because they needed to use my car to take him downtown (even though i didnt know because we have 2 cars and no one told me) when i was going to get myself food and my dad started yelling at me for not getting food for my brother. My brother rarely gets food for me unless its leftovers or i beg him but im expected to do it unprompted because im the older sister? I told my dad this and he said wow you’re trying to get revenge on your brother? Like what?!. He will tell me to check in on my brother while me and my brother barely talk and i doubt he checked on me once in college. Which is alright but i hate that I’m expected to do all these things and get shit on and my brother can just be able to do what he wants. I sometimes think about all the pressure my parents put on me and all the expectations they have vs for my brother and sometimes i think it contributed to me breaking down. I don’t want to start resenting my brother because of the pressure my parents keep putting on me and the differences between us but im def starting to resent the hypocrisy with my parents. I know they mean well at times but i know myself in terms of education and how i do well and if they gave me a helping hand instead of push back i think things would be different. Like this time last year i was on my second wave of ocd (the worst one) bought my dad a present for his birthday that i was really excited about and I remember him calling me a loser since i quit another retail job (like 6) since i was really unhappy. Anyways this is kind of a rant. I know im not perfect and my parents get worried but instead of trying to understand and work with me they like turn on me for not doing what they want. Idk where else to put this tbh. African parents btw.

Can people please share some stories of recovery? I’m feeling so helpless at the moment and need desperately some inspiration to keep on going. I really can’t see the way out right now 😭

Everything around me is giving me stress, from the way I touch my screen to every color/number I see. I’m so scared i’m going to lose everyone I love. I even have it when I see random people on the street, I get a tought like ‘don’t look at that person or they will die.’ And then I accidentally look and feel scared the whole day because I can’t check it. Then I will ‘punish’ myself to make up for it. So for example I don’t get to do something I really wanted to do, because then they will ‘really die’. I am losing myself and I just want to be the person I want to be, doing the things I love. But everytime i’m enjoying, something bad is happening. I really needed to get this off my chest.

***TW***does mention forms of harassment and sexual abuse I really don’t know what to do I want to vent about something that’s heavy on my mind because it’s something I’m dealing with at work and I need advice or an opinion I guess. There’s a guy I work with that has a huge crush on me and he’s mentioned he likes me multiple times and he makes very strange comments (not sexual but relationship related if that makes sense) and I’ve told him multiple times that I’m not interested and I only like him as a friend. I’ve had to repeat myself a bunch of times and it’s not sinking in for some reason. I’m trying to be a friend because he’s a very lonely guy who’s 14 years older than me (I’m 23 and he’s 36) and he’s never had a real girlfriend and he’s desperate and I try to give him friendly advice to let things come to him on their own time and not to force it. He’s all the time making comments about me being a girlfriend or wife and he doesn’t leave me alone at work. I went part time for a little bit in the beginning of this semester of college and on the days I would work I couldn’t get away from him. He was there like a lost puppy for the entire weekend and I have been just letting it be because he gets pouty and mad when I tell him to leave me alone and then I feel bad being the too nice of a person I am and then I am the one that ends up apologizing and then he does it again. It just keeps going and it’s so frustrating because he doesn’t do his job and the things he is asked to do in his department (we work retail) and he will slack off just so he can spend every second of every day around me and I can’t say anything because he is also a person who likes to run his mouth and when the managers talked to him before about harassment (because this has been going on for a while now) they warned him that he could get fired for it and he went around telling people that I was trying to get him fired for harassment and it turned back on me and I never under any circumstances want to get anyone fired it’s what the managers decided to say because of harassment policy. Earlier today I told them again because it’s gotten to the point he’s getting kind of touchy feely but not really in a sexual way I guess like trying to hold my hand or put his hand on mine or lean on me or put his head on my shoulder and even the other day we were talking in the break room at work and he just randomly was behind me as I was sitting down and started massaging my shoulder and it made me uncomfortable but when I was telling the managers about what has been going on they told me I needed to tell them sooner and that it needs to be taken care of and I broke down crying because I had flashbacks of when I was a minor and I was touched inappropriately by someone a lot older and I won’t go into detail but it was kind of similar in a way and I just started sobbing in front of the managers and the store manager who I look up to as a brother and he thinks of me like a sister left the room because I was crying and I guess it made him leave and the assistant manager who actually does know the situation of when I was a minor and dealing with what was I think to be sexual abuse, she talked to me and calmed me down because I told her I was triggered because of the guy at work and what I had to deal with for about 5 years as a teenager and being so afraid to speak up about it because I was afraid I was the problem and that everyone was going to hate me because I let it happen for so long and I went along with it because I thought it was normal and that because it was family they loved me and it didn’t matter but I spoke up today and they are going to talk to him but I just know it’s going to come back on me. That he will somehow lie or make excuses because he doesn’t take responsibility ever for anything he does wrong he just blames people. I just feel like I’m the problem, that it’s all in my head, I’m overthinking it and I should keep my mouth shut. I’m actually tempted to tell the managers not to do anything about it so it doesn’t cause so much drama because he is a friend and I don’t want anyone to be mad or upset. I don’t know what to do. I’m overwhelmed, scared he might snap or do something or get angry and hurt me or someone else I don’t know at this point of the OCD is just latching onto the situation and blowing things out of proportion because of fear I just know I can’t sleep, I’m really down and I don’t want to go to work anymore. But I’m in college and it’s the most flexible job I know of that’s working with me on my crazy schedule that I’m now back to being full time on and a full time student. I’m so lost, overwhelmed, triggered, anxious, upset. I just need an opinion. What do I do? I really just wish I could leave and never come back but I can’t do that right now. I can’t afford to…

how do you all deal with going to work while having ocd? i have to go to work tomorrow for the first time in a while and i’ve been obsessing really bad the past couple of weeks. i’m scared i won’t actually be able to function or anything because all i’ve been doing every day all day has been obsessing. i’m really nervous. any advice will be appreciated.

What do I do when my HOCD makes me feel like I’m in denial and that I’m not romantically attracted to women, and the intrusive thoughts are there during these intrusive feelings? 😞😞😞

The anxiety really suppresses appetite