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the NOCD Community

I get so stressed when I know I love my partner but my thoughts say I don’t or don’t as much as I should or whatever. It’s hard letting thoughts be neutral and forgotten about

so i have tik tok and i comment on videos sometimes. well some random stranger started like arguing and disagreeing with me about something in the comments and every time something like this happens it affects me so much and i don’t know why. like i feel sick and like i’m an awful person and idk why it makes me feel like this. like i don’t even know this person. has anyone else had similar experiences? idk what to do

I’m so triggered I’m watching bi vids on tiktok to try to help me get over fear but it is so hard. I’m so sick to my stomach & my chest is tight. Hocd is so angering and never ending. I want this nightmare to end. I’m so sick of the doubt the constant wondering if I’m bi or lesbian. I saw something about if you want male validation then you are lesbian, cuz you’re not actually necessarily attracted to the guy but the attention. Now I don’t even know who I am anymore. All this stuff from my childhood coming back to haunt me. The never ending thoughts & doubt are suffocating me and it just gets worse when I try to accept it. So many times I will just force myself to think of women sexually yet the doubt is still there nothing stops it. I’m a constant anxious mess and it is day in and day out. I’m going on 6+ years of hocd my other themes never lasted this long which makes me believe I’m so deep in denial at this point & so much in the closet. Why would it continue this long if I wasn’t???

I know it's stupid but I am having SUCH a hard time waiting for my boyfriend to text me that he's on his way home. Honestly waiting for people to contact me is just one of my biggest triggers, both for ROCD and harm OCD. If I can't see someone/get reassurance from them/feel certain about them and our relationship or that they are okay and alive, I just assume the worst possible thing has happened and is about to happen. I know it will get even worse if I contact him and he doesn't respond, or gets angry and distant. Repeatedly contacting and badgering people until they relieve my doubt is a huge compulsion that is making me disrespect boundaries and messing up my life.

I’ve never questioned my sexuality at all, i’m 18 years old and i have always had crushes on boys and i’ve always been crazy for boys, but now i feel like that was all fake. I’m wondering - has anyone else had like fantasies about friends in the past? like i had a sexual fantasy about my best friend when i was about 14, but i didn’t think of anything then. I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for almost 2 and a half years. I know I love him but i freak out that I actually don’t and i’m just in denial of being gay. After a while of dating my boyfriend, i started getting fantasies about my best friend again, but it wasn’t really about her. the fantasy was more about the fact that we shouldn’t be doing anything because i’m dating my boyfriend. but i’m scared that my fantasy was actually about her and that these fantasies make me gay. i have never had a crush on a girl, i don’t think, it’s either been admiration or i didn’t like them and thought they were annoying. i’m scared that i developed something for my best friend and that means i’m gay. has anyone else had this ? i don’t know what to do because my mind is telling me that i might be gay and that i’m just in denial and i’ve been lying to my boyfriend this whole time. i don’t want to like girls, i see them as friends but i really only want to be with boys. but now that i have these thoughts i feel like i can’t be with my boyfriend because i’m lying to him or myself. any advice??

I have had really bad harm / rocd since 2017 but it obsessed over SA/rape and what if my boyfriend could did this to me… it all started after I read an article about a girls boyfriend raping her and it gave me intense anxiety even tho my boyfriend did NOT do this. It started changing around all my memories,would make me go back and look in the past for “proof” and then it would give me false memories on real events that I would obsess over. I also would read tons of articles about rape and sexual assault and literally couldn’t stop. When I went to bars I would be convinced someone would sa me and I would get false memories of something happening while I was drunk. My memory I am obsessing about really bad is this: this was when my obsessions were at an all time high. I did not tell my boyfriend about this bc at the time I had not been diagnosed with ocd yet and I had no idea that I had it. (Looking bad it was OBVIOUS I had ocd lol I have experienced so many other themes and always thought it was “normal”) anyways me and my boyfriend were in bed and I literally don’t even remember this memory bc it was so long ago. He asked me if I would like to have sex and I said maybe later. I didn’t mind having sex but my ocd starting coming in. Later on he asked if we could just put it in and lay there (sometimes we would do this while cuddling and go to sleep) and I said yes! This was not coerced, he wasn’t being pushy nothing like that! Anyways we were just laying there (he did NOT start randomly having sex w me or anything) and I said “are we gonna have sex” and he started moving and initiating it bc he was already inside after I said that. He didn’t respond tho he just said “mmm” then I started getting intrusive thoughts “why didn’t he respond, are u allowed to do this, is this rape, is this ok bc u said later are u allowed to have sex” these thoughts were annoying so I turned towards him (we were on the side) and stopped and said I’m confused are we having sex yes or no? And he said yea it feels good? And I said ok and then we continued to have sex. Well my ocd won’t let this go. It is telling me somehow this is bad bc there wasn’t a clear yes or no even tho I could have stopped this at any time and I did when my ocd was demanding I get an answer. It’s changing around all of it and it’s telling me that he started having sex with me first (which he didn’t! The only reason he started was bc I asked if we’re having sex!) then it’s telling me oh u had a freeze response and ur traumatized. It’s making this whole thing so bad in my brain and it literally won’t stop and I feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown. Oh yes and then it’s telling me I have PTSD and I’m traumatized for life and I have to break up with my boyfriend. My obsession has gotten so bad I posted on Reddit a ton and I went to all these feminism reddits bc my ocd was making me “prove” that it wasn’t bad. Well everyone said the same thing- this isn’t rape this is ur ocd. But that’s not enough. It’s telling me that I know the truth and I am in denial. It’s so bad I think I’m about to have a mental breakdown someone please help me. Also to mention I am on lexapro/ see a therapist but we haven’t done erp and I keep asking him to. I have also been with my boyfriend for 8 years and I have talked to him about this as well.

I have been dealing with severe contamination OCD for awhile now and for the past several months it has been around laundry. I have been working with my ERP therapist here and taking baby steps since this is at the top of my hierarchy. I was slowly making progress however my husband once again has triggered me back to the start and this is not the first time he has done this. I simply asked him to let me do the laundry and I had a system, I will say an odd system however that was working for me while I continued with the baby steps and keeping my anxiety at a manageable level. Now I just feel so angry, at myself, at him and at my OCD. I have already replaced the washer twice. I just feel like I can't catch a break and now I am forced to sit with the anxiety, not by choice because I can't afford to replace it again! 😢

Not 100% sure what a compulsion is but one thing I do to try and escape this problem is that everyday since this problem started I have been going out either shopping or round someone’s house or out to eat from the morning right up until I have to go to bed because it feels like my intrusive thoughts are worse and feel more real when I’m at home where as when I’m out it feels like a weight is taken off me but it’s not a healthy lifestyle because now I basically live in my car, if there is no where to go I will just go and sit in a McDonald’s drive thru car park because I hate going home, anytime going home is mentioned I started feeling uncomfortable and the thoughts come back, also I hate being alone somewhere with one person or with an animal because I’m worried I’m bad… is this a compulsion? I don’t really do anything to get rid of thoughts apart from the this?

How can we use erp to help us if we doubt ourselves? Also there is a medication for doubt?

I feel like im a bad person... not because of the thoughts. When i have thoughts about harm someone i feel excitement, and i get in a fight with my mind cause i know its bad thing to do, but my mind still gives me.feelings of excitement and says you want this to do, would be fun. I feel like this isnt ocd...noone every told that they feel like theyre excited over these thoughts then they scared...and if i dont do it i get sad and then i get sad over getting sad that i didnt do it...cause thats bad... Help me im tired of this, i start to believe im a bad person. Normal people, or even people with ocd doesnt have these feelings, i feel like my concience and the dark side of me are fighting...it doesnt feels like it wants to save me from a potencial danger, its more like it wants to convice me to do something bad and thats not ocd and i feel terrible about it

I’ve found with my own experience of battling with ocd for the past 5+ years, is that while the anxiety caused from the intrusive thoughts may feel uncomfortable and almost as if there’s an itch you aren’t scratching, TRUST when I say that those feelings go away when you ignore the compulsion. Those feelings eventually walk home like a disappointed child that his friend wouldn’t come out to play. Then, you feel the true relief. Not the “I just did the compulsion so I’m okay for the next 5 seconds” relief. The “wow, those thoughts truly were lies and those feelings were truly falsely triggered. Life is good. I can do this.” and for my fellow Christians out there, God says clearly in the Bible to “take every thought captive” so for you guys I would say to pray every time you feel that anxiety and say “God, I give this thought to You and I trust that You will handle it.” Watch what He does :) ocd can be debilitating, but it can also be defeated. Stay strong. Every one of you reading this right now are warriors for even getting up another day and fighting this. Don’t worry though, it’ll all pay off soon enough :)

My ROCD has been so bad. I am married and I feel so disconnected to my husband. I am having thoughts and fantasy’s about a “crush” I have and it does make me happy to think about them. Which I feel guilty about. I guess I just miss that newness feelings and I am sad I’ll never have those feelings again. Can anyone relate?

I am awake in the late night as I type all of this out.. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past “private time” to loli content and other explicit comics / fanfics with adult and really young cartoon characters couple of times unknowingly when I was 12, and 14 and occasionally unknowingly when I was 17-18. (Ex. Marge and Lisa) I had stopped three years ago, and I'm 21 now but I'm getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it and feel triggered by it… I didn't know what the content was in any way at the time or what it represented… and while I avoided most of the content, the videos of them had millions of views, both the videos and the fanfics / comics were on public sites, and some of the creators said they were 18 in some of the videos, so I thought it was safe to watch... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all….. god help me.…. just recently I was watching hentai for the first time in a while, hoping to find regular stuff with women my age or above and I kept stumbling onto loli again. I got triggered and I left the videos immediately of course, but it's giving me memories back to those moments and it's making me feel like I want to watch when I dont. I skipped it of course. I hate this POCD (if this is even POCD) and I hate myself and you should hate me too… It’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about the real event OCD intrusive thoughts right now and more intrusive thoughts of being in denial because of the lack of anxious feelings… 😞😞😞 I know the real events (especially the real events when I was 13) that trigger my real event OCD were horrible and I regret them horribly… and my POCD and real event OCD is telling me that I’m a P and a m*lestor and making me feel like I’m accepting it… plus my intrusive thoughts are giving me false memories of either events that didn’t happen or my intentions during the event and saying that I’m worse than a p or a chomo… 😭😭😭 I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo or anything like that in any way… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts…  I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…

Today I woke up and told myself I wasn’t going to engage with the intrusive thoughts, I went downstairs and I was trying to avoid having intrusive thoughts about suffocating my cat with the pillow, but I kept feeling tempted to have the thoughts and thinking ‘maybe you do like the idea’ and I started worrying and thinking what if Through the thoughts I know how it feels to do that (because when your having the thoughts/ruminating it feels very real, almost like it’s already happened or I’ve lived through that) and now I’m desperate to do that or what if I’m secretly curious about how it feels to do that that’s why I can’t ignore the thoughts and keep feeling tempted to think about them. Or I was thinking what if through the thoughts I like the feeling of doing that but I have a conscious so now I have evil desires but I’m a good person so I don’t want to do it. I feel awful I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m believing this notion more and more everyday, I hate this and don’t know what to do

My POCD and real events OCD keep telling me that I’m a sex offender based on the extremely horrible real events when I was 13 when I dont ever want to ever ever be a sex offender in any way shape or form..

I've been struggling with obsessions for such a long time that make me feel like I am not good enough or not the right kind of person to be doing my creative hobbies. Sometimes people are really mean to me and when I feel hurt for a long period of time, I feel super guilty about it, thinking that I'm in the wrong and that the mean person was "right." I've had a horrible nervousness, nausea, and sharpness in my chest because I'm so emotionally strung up over these intrusive thoughts and I blame myself for it. Everything I do makes me feel guilty... like I know the truth is that I'm an incredibly kind, responsible, and empathetic person, but whenever someone is frustrated at me for something that's not my fault, I still attack myself as if I am being irresponsible. When someone has been really, really mean to me in the past, I have always been overly apologetic and kind before breaking ties with them. In some cases I didn't break ties with them at all, like with my older sister who always looked down on me. Now I really regret being so nice to mean people, but then I second-guess, like, "you're just saying that to avoid responsibility!! Ugh, stop being so self-righteous!!" and my brain tells me constantly that I'm prudish and people will hate me for that. Arrrgh!!! I just want to like myself and be normal!!!!!! I've had a really stressful week so thanks for just taking the time to read that

I’m currently in one of the worse OCD flare ups of my life. I’m trying to hold on so I can work and support my family. Purposefully triggering my obsessions during ERP sounds terrifying. I’ve heard “it gets worse before it gets better.” I can’t afford for it to get worse. How much worse can I expect my symptoms to get?

I have my exposure hierarchy. Thing is, I have to face a lot of my high distress exposures daily l. My triggers are seeing any type of mark on my 1yo son’s skin. Ofc I see things everyday (birthmarks, bruises, change in pigmentation (yes I see even the subtlest of changes), etc and then ponder what if this mark represents a serious health condition of which I fear)zz i face these triggers daily when I change his clothes, nappy, bathe him, and have him in shorts/shirts/topless. I look at his skin so much and touch it that now he swats my hands away and says no. He even lifts up our shirts to look at our tummies and points to blemishes we have. I feel terrible! I don’t want to give him some type of insecurity or ocd tendencies about skin too! If I’m not in close inspecting, then I’m ruminating and glancing at it. So I’m faced with my exposures all day every day, despite my hierarchy. What do I do, how do I go about this successfully!? I’m otherwise doing these compulsions for hours on end.

I constantly get feelings that I’m promising God things or somehow making deals with him. I don’t mean to but I can’t stop. It’s an intrusive thought that replays constantly. Anyways, I was watching the fights tonight, and I got it in my head that if one fighter didn’t win, I would do my most common compulsion, which is holding my breath for 2 minutes straight. I know that sounds crazy but it used to be possible for me. I could go almost 2:30 when I was at best. (I used to do this compulsion constantly) I feel as though in this agreement, I said that “either (I’m not comfortable sharing the consequence) or I have to hold my breath for 2 minutes straight”. The fighter I needed to win LOST… and now I feel as though I must do the promise or the consequence will happen. Please tell me anything, I’m desperate for help. I also fear as if I don’t hold my breath for that long or atleast try to I’m somehow weak.

I really want to have a family someday with my boyfriend. I’m so scared POCD will keep me from that. Can anyone share success :(