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I feel stress definetly brings out my OCD and makes me feel depressed

Can harm ocd convince you that you actually like the thoughts or that you would actually want to act on it and that it would feel good to do that horrible thing? I feel like as time is going on I’m believing it more and more that I’m bad and it’s to the point where it feels like I want to act on the thoughts or I would like the feeling of acting on the thoughts but at the same time I’m crying all the time and miserable about this and I wouldn’t want to do that but I’m believing it so much and it feels too real and I feel worried because it feels like I want to act on it or would like the feeling of acting on it, is that an ‘urge’ at the start I use to get ‘urges’ but then it felt like it hasn’t happened for a long time but now I’m think is the reason it feels like I want to act on it or would like the feeling because I’m getting fake ‘urges’ and I’m confusing it for me ‘wanting to do that’ or that I would ‘like the feeling’ ? Like I wish I had a button to get rid of this problem because I would never want to be bad and wish I could have my old life back but at the same time I now it feels like I want to act on it and I’m worried I don’t want to be bad but I feel like I’m lying as well and secretly want to please advise me 😞 I’ve been in a state all day of worry, I was fine for a few weeks was feeling so much better and then I came on my period and suddenly it’s a huge turmoil of emotions and feels like a big problem and that I’m actually evil and would want to do that and I feel awful and miserable

i called another guy my platonic soulmate the other day (unsure whether or not he heard me say it). i am so anxious about this. i was drunk and talking to a friend when i said it. the worst part is i do have a LOT in common with this guy. we’re incredibly similar, and i’ve worried for a long time that i might have a crush on him because of this. we’re alike in a lot of ways that me and my boyfriend aren’t. but i love my boyfriend and choose my boyfriend and that’s that. if i never saw this other guy again, i’d be fine. i’d be relieved even! from here on out i’m gonna make an effort to distance myself from this other guy. i just can’t believe i called him my platonic soulmate. i’m genuinely so distressed and upset about this. the guilt is horrible. i’m scared this is a form of cheating. if my boyfriend found out, i’m scared he’d be heartbroken. i feel like i have to tell him but don’t want to. but it feels like i’m hiding something from him if i don’t. if he called a girl he had a lot in common with his platonic soulmate i would be so upset with him. genuinely. so how can i get away with this! do i tell my boyfriend or not?? and is this cheating?

In short answer- yes! Our dreams are filled with all sorts of things, so it only makes sense that sometimes we will have dreams about our intrusive thoughts. So what do we do? ERP! We can't control our dreams, just like we can't control our thoughts. What we can do is choose how to respond to it. The first time it happened to me I was a little alarmed at first, but then realized if I'm dreaming about it then that means it's probably something I should tackle with some ERP. I had a few more dreams after that, but they were much less intense and easier to move past (sort of like our intrusive thoughts!). Don't let it fool you, even in our dreams we are STILL not our OCD!

At first it started as harm ocd but now I’m worrying about all the other types now like for some reason I’m worrying about transgender ocd and then I was worried I had that multiple personalities I don’t understand why I am even worried about this because this isn’t me, for one I love being a girl so im definitely not wanting to be a male but this stressed state makes me worry/question everything It just keeps getting worse and im scared a psychologist cannot help me I just want to be myself again, im suffering with depersonalisation along with this so it makes it much scarier. And my intrusive thoughts will see something and convince myself that’s me and I want to do those things or I have that and I cannot escape these thoughts im so over it im absolutely tired. Has anyone experienced it to this extent and actually gotten better? Because honestly I don’t think I’ll recover from this.

When I was younger and I first learned about submitting to a husband, I remember saying I was looking forward to that (I was 20). Now that I’m married, and that exact scripture has been used against me when I wanted to make my own decision about getting Botox and my husband told me no, I have so much fear with it, yet I STILL want to do it. I’m triggered by watching Christian women and couples on YouTube talking about what a godly marriage is supposed to look like because I just feel like a failure. I want to obey God and please God wholeheartedly, and the other part of me is fighting for my autonomy. My new therapist and I are gonna do some trauma work (I’ve done A LOT over the years), so hopefully that can help any deep rooted issues I have. I’m just full of anxiety today and I get anxious reading the scriptures, wondering if I made a mistake and I’m not fit to be a wife. Just venting my sweet friends 💋 love you all.

I overslept and didn't go to class. I tried to do the online portion but I just quit because I had no energy for it. Then I just straight up cried because of these thoughts that torment me and I hate how low I think of myself. I tried to just take a break from everything. After washing my face I went to check out a hash tag for a kids show that I like a lot and currently watching to see what kind of art people are putting out. Some good, most bad, and some that were very disgusting to me seeing as these are children in a kids show. I knew it would probably disgust me but I was curious just to see what fans are putting out. OCD is currently trying to say I'm a pedophile because of the very disgusting thing I saw, and I don't even care to fight the thoughts right now. I'm just so tired. I know I'm not a pedophile because I wouldn't be on here complaining about it. That's just gross. I just want to think better. All I want to do is just think better of myself and not let the past get to me. I just want to stop the worrying and move forward. Aside from these intrusive thoughts, I just don't think of myself as a good person or a person with high self esteem, even if all people do is see me do good things. Like ordering food for family, getting birthday gifts for a friend, which ultimately made my day just to see how happy they were, and just trying to be there for people. It's like no matter what I do to try and be good, I just have bad thought constantly plagued in my head.

i feel so sick right now with fear!!! the other day i got incredibly drunk. i can’t remember a lot of what i did or said that day. there’s this guy i know who i’ve been worried i have a crush on for a while. i have a boyfriend and it terrifies me to think i could not love him. and breaks my heart with guilt. i just feel awful. this other guy has some traits i really like but i can’t tell if i have a CRUSH on him. it’s just a horrible uncertainty for me. but i choose to be with and love my boyfriend so i focus on that when i feel anxious. anyway, apparently when i was drunk i was saying to my friend that that other guy is ‘my platonic soulmate because we sleep in the same position’!!! and i don’t know if he heard me say that. i also was apparently being really kind about him to my friends (saying he’s great and under-appreciated etc). since i was drunk, this was my subconscious speaking and that terrifies me. if my boyfriend said these things about another girl i’d be absolutely devastated. i would be so upset and angry. i would cry and cry. so the fact i’ve done this makes me feel deeply guilty. i want to cry. i feel like i don’t deserve my boyfriends love. he’s too perfect and good for me. i feel horrible. i’m also scared now that my friends think i’m inlove with this other guy. i just explained to one of them that i absolutely don’t like him like that and can’t understand why i said all of that stuff when i was drunk. she didn’t seem fussed. but i’m worried she thinks i’m in denial. because i’m worried i am!!!! i don’t believe myself when i say it’s nothing. i’m scared i’ve been disloyal and unfaithful. i’m scared i have feelings for someone else. i love my boyfriend so much i really do, and i feel so guilty. i’m scared i’ve hurt him.

In my recovery there have been the expected ups and downs. I’m trying my best to cut out compulsions and hidden compulsions. I’ve even stopped reading and communicating on this forum as my therapist and I discovered I was using it to compare my journey to others as well as to get reassurance from seeing others going through the same thing in their descriptions. The hardest thing for me is not to ruminate or dwell; the feeling that I need to figure it out. I know it’s a compulsion and it won’t lead to answers but it’s so scary to not know if I’m at all in love or if I’m even happy. It’s so hard to live with this gloom and this feeling of depression. Sometimes there’s this feeling that I want out of this relationship and given that I have about everything I want in a partner, it sinks me and causes immense pain. On top of that, trying to give this relationship a fair chance and having to lean into it when it’s feeling impossible to even make it through the day is immensely difficult. And on top of that, accepting uncertainty, and remembering it may all be absolutely true when you’re down and depressed is torture. To get through the bad days seems unbearable. My progress is starting to become more and more evident. I have had a nice stretch of days where my doubts were seemingly gone. Now that they’re back and feeling so real again, it’s so tough to ignore or use skills. This knot and fear are excruciating. I hope it’s OCD and that happiness and enjoyment can be found. I hope you’re all doing okay.

Hello, I want to share my story. My name is Julia. I found out about OCD only 6-7 years ago. In fact, I haven't confirmed the diagnosis of OCD. But everything goes to this. I'm just afraid, I'm not ready to hear a real diagnosis. I understand that you can't prepare for this. It's like any physical illness. I visited 3 different psychotherapists. Simply because I like to avoid anything that gets complicated. Only with the last of them, I was the most open. About six months ago, I interrupted our sessions. It seemed to me that at that moment it became a little easier for me. Now I'm getting worse again. Where do you get your strength? My primary symptoms: 1. Dermatillomania (skin picking), maybe it comes as a separate mental disorder, but my specialist said that most likely these are related things. 2. I constantly do cleaning, literally every day I come home from work and start dusting, disinfecting all the things that are in my bag, all the door handles. This process can take from 1 to 3 hours a day. I used to think that I like to clean, that it relaxes me. When in fact, I hate doing it, but I can’t just stop myself. The slightest mote on the floor irritates me. It's very difficult to force yourself to accept the fact that the principle "order in the room - order in the head" doesn't matter at all. I'm tired of this, sometimes I manage to agree with myself and convince myself that if I forget to dust, I won't die from it. But this rarely happens. I have doubts about my sexual orientation, whether I have OCD at all, whether I'm real or am I in some kind of dream. Sometimes it seems to me that the objects around me simply don't exist. My riatul before going to bed - I need to check several times whether the door, windows are closed, the iron is turned off from the outlet. Are all things in the right places and in the "correct" position. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. There are too many thoughts in my head, obsessive thoughts. I can't deal with all of them. I’m constantly trying to control things... even things I can't control. For example, when there is a heavy downpour and a thunderstorm begins. I close all windows, recheck the situation every 5 seconds. I want to influence the weather, but how? It's just not possible. Also, I try to unconsciously control other people and their thoughts. It annoys me. In the future I want to have children. Every day I think about what if they have OCD, how I can help them. What if I hurt them. I'm already making scenarios with bad endings. Every day I think that I'm a bad person, that I'm only making things worse for everyone. Or something like "maybe I'm capable of murder", "maybe I'm evil." I google the symptoms all the time and think I might die. I’m tired of people telling me I’m "too sensitive". I try to be kind to myself, but sometimes I fail. I'm so tired of my thoughts. I rarely cry. One bad experience in the past still has consequences. I don't know how to cry, especially in front of people. I have too much control over my feelings and emotions. When I feel bad, I just distance myself from everyone, I don’t want to communicate with anyone. Also lately I can't make a single decision. I feel constant guilt for no particular reason. I have trouble concentrating and haven't been doing my job well in recent weeks. How do you manage to control yourself? Are there any techniques/methods that help you? I do various workouts (yoga, stretching, etc.) at home. But sometimes even it doesn't help me relax and not think too much. I have good friends who will always support and help. But it's difficult for me to discuss my condition with them, simply because they'll not understand. I would like to talk to those who understand perfectly how I feel. I apologize that my post was too chaotic. There is a complete chaos of thoughts in my head. Also, sorry if my post has mistakes. English isn't my native language.

Does anyone else feel like when they mention someone they are talking to, to their friends they start to think the universe is against them and gonna mess it up? Because that’s what I’m going through right now. I notice things and things that have always been going on but now I think “oh now it’s because you talked about him now the universe is gonna ruin it for you” and I’m beyond stressed! So what if he’s left me on delivered for a while, that doesn’t mean anything right?? Idk I’m stressed out I feel like I’ve ruined it because I’ve talked about him, regretting it and I wish I left it a secret

I keep having bad outbursts of shouting/screaming crying and people around me keep saying I’m mad and my mum says that I need a carer or that I should get a carer and that’s making me feel like there’s actually something really wrong with me and that I’m not normal and it’s like I hate being at home like I feel like all my problems are there and when I’m out the house i feel a lot better and like a weight is lifted off my shoulders and I feel happier, the only thing that helps distract me from my harm ocd is going shopping or going to visit people like my aunty or my grandparents, socialising really helps me feel normal and when my ocd gets really bad I absolutely don’t want to be at home and the only way it gets better is if I do things I enjoy like shopping or visiting family and then I can calm down and start feeling like the ocd isn’t such a huge problem, but I’m not independent at all I’ve never been anywhere by myself and I’m too scared too, I was overprotected a lot and rely on my mum for everything so if she decides she doesn’t want to go out anywhere I start feeling really bad and we start arguing and I start crying and screaming and it feels like my body is being affected as well, like my hands get really hot when I get angry or one of my arms starts feeling pressure or like it gets hot and feels weird but it only happens in one arm when I’m like shouting and crying, or I feel a lot of strain in my head and one time my hand started swelling up when I was angry, she thinks I’m having tantrums because I want to spend all the time enjoying myself when In reality I’m just trying to do something to help myself forget about the ocd and I feel so unheard I keep telling her and explaining how I feel and she thinks I’m just having tantrums and tells me I’m being controlling and I’m selfish, but I’m suffering so much with this problem no one even knows and she thinks I’m just having tantrums because I want to go shopping and I just don’t know anymore I feel so trapped I don’t know where to turn

Hey, i don’t know how to write this and make sense to anyone but could use some advice..So this guy and i were in a situationship for a long time and we both started feeling like we need a little time off or him or ig because he said he needs some time cause he is mentally going through something and I understand that well cause i am too so we decided to take some time off of eachother and be in no contact for a while and hopefully if the door is still open reconnect better and healed later if its gods will and both of us want it but i have strong feelings for him so it hasn't been yhe easiest to sit with the uncertainty of maybe we reconnect maybe we dont and this is the end or 1000 more thoughts and also i am scared and before we took the no contact decision this is a thing that happened cause things were a little off for quite sometime which led to the no contact..now i am someone who believes in god and I believe in his work now i don’t know whats his will but i am struggling i am absolutely crushed feeling and thinking about all this now my major concern is that what does god want this to be an open door? Or has he closed the door and I haven’t realised it? Or am I supposed to have faith that it will work sometime but what if it doesn’t he removed him cause it wasn’t from him? He sent him for my growth and my self healing journey but will never give it back to me? I messed up a lot of times in the relationship but then i dont know what god wants me is this a lesson is he supposed to last a season or is there wait that god is asking with this person? I cry to god and i beg to tell me if i am wanting the right person but i just don’t understand idk how the thought of someone else makes me feel.. and how even his thoughts make me feel i feel like i ask god is he right for me should i wait for him and i dont know what he says to me either its me manipulating my thoughts to make myself and god say yes but thats not true and if its a no or even a yes i will question it but if its a no i shouldn’t right? Like i dont know what to do i feel like i cant trust mu gut and intuition i dont know if i should keep hope and faith regarding this the relationship wasnt the best from both sides in the past so idk if holding on is right and what god has to say about it.. you can keep Praying for something but not receive it so i don’t understand what to do or feel about this I constantly keep thinking what god wants me to do and am overthinking this too? And then i see these bible reels and stories on instagram saying god will remove people from your life even if you dont want them to and i don’t understand will i keep feeling like this? This helpless and this hopeless about my situation i lose patience cause i think he is talking to other girls and doesn’t care about me and just used me and all that.. I started therapy too is that right? I have my exams i need to study i dont know how to keep these thoughts at bay to focus on that i keep begging god to tell me Whats right and whats wrong and i don’t understand what to do anymore like does he want this for me does he not will this be better will it not? What if he wants to remove this and i keep holding onto this as long and not recover or what if i don’t understand whats he trying to tell me? I can keep hoping and waiting and it never happens and the thought that it might not be gods will panics me it makes me think i might lose him but why do i need him is this really something more in terms of feelings for this guy or just pure attachment which i dont get now and i have started to feel anxious about it? Or am i not healed enough to have this in my life and if i am not okay with the maybe not then maybe thats whats gonna happen thats what god is teaching me right? What is gods will? What should i listen to? They say that you will hear it in you intuition and gut sometimes it says let go there are indications you should and sometimes it says hold on it might get better? What do i do? Can someone pls help me?

Does anyone struggle with fears or intrusive thoughts that they may have raped or assaulted someone? I’ve been a victim of SA in the past and I have a lot of distorted thoughts and doubts about past encounters being entirely consensual and enthusiastic. The feelings of guilt and shame are almost too much to handle.

My husband aged 39 died to suicide in September last year, leaving me alone with 5 children. We'd been together 20 years since teenagers. He developed an addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs after 13 years together when he was in his 30s. Really random as he was tea total before. Anyway my grief has been horrendous lately, the realisation he isn't coming back. He was my best friend and sole mate. I don't agree with drugs, so kicked him out hoping he'd change. Our relationship turned toxic in 2018 due to all the fights about him lying regarding drugs. I threw a mug at him and he left me calling me a psycho, he randomly added loads of girls on Facebook telling them they were attractive. He invited himself round to ones house and basically ran me down to her and she said he was off his face and made him leave. A counsellor told me drug addicts do all kinds of things in the grips of addiction they seek solace and support all over the place and told me to see it as part of a bigger problem ( drugs) in which he needed help. I stool by his side and he did get better for the next 4 years, he went to AA and had periods of sobriety. He returned to his lovely self, and was ashamed of everything he'd done in the past. He was always a great husband and father prior to addiction. He text me the night he died, saying to remember whatever happened to know he loved me and the kids more than anything. It was too late by the time I got help. Now I'm trying to process everything, people keep saying to remember the person before addiction. I have ocd and for some reason I've developed the thought he could have cheated on me in the past before addiction. Although I have absolutely no evidence. A girl I disliked years ago told my friend she didn't know what my husband seen in me as he was so good looking and I was irritating. So I blanked her next time she tried to speak. She then told me she seen my husband in our car with a girl with dark hair. I confronted my husband over this at the time and he phoned her to ask why she was lying. She said she wasn't sure it was definitely him but seen our baby on board sticker on the car window. Anyway he looked like he was telling the truth. And later she accused another friends husband of sexual assault. On my hen night walking home my niece took my bride to be sash off me and wore it. My sister said a group of girls walked past and said I've slept with the brides husband. We were all drunk so I never thought about it. Plus I trusted my husband impeccably. I thought my sister could have misheard, it could be my niece, they could have been joking. Basically all these things happened 17 and 14 years ago. My husband rarely went out, I would check his phone and all he used to look up was sport. He didn't ever act guilty or nothing to indicate an affair. All his friends said he was a proper family man. I always think cheating comes out in the end anyway and we live in a small town. A lot of people say I'm doing this to try and stop the grief by painting him out to be an adulterer. I'm so upset with it all. I want to be able to grieve but now I have this in my mind it's making it hard. My ocd is making me phone family and friends to ask if they think he cheated, everyone has said no. He loved me too much and wasn't that type of person. But as soon as I feel reassured my head starts thinking that I'm being stupid there is two clear cases of evidence and I dismissed them over the years. My therapist said there's no evidence as it's both hearsay and hearsay isn't evidence. I really don't think he would ever have cheated before I remembered these two stupid things. I'd like to think I'd have trusted my gut, my gut at the time would never suspected him. Help please.

I want to share my whole story so I vent it a little bit and maybe someone here will know how to help me. Like 3 years ago I had episode of feeling crazy when I needed to reassure myself I am not going crazy. After taking antidepressants it slowly subsided and I forgot about that. I decided to stop taking medication after some time and than everything hapenned again. 7 months ago I was working outside when suddenly I had thought about that I am hallucinating, it scared me and I immediately thought that my OCD is relapsing. Since then (already 7 months) I suffer daily with something I can not quite describe and even help myself with. I do not feel like myself I feel like my personality has gone away. Nobody noticed anything even closest one to me but I do not know how to describe that. I am having thoughts all day that make it impossible for me to concentrate, remember or recall things. No matter what I do I am having random thoughts popping inside my head. I know thoughts are random but it feels like I am disconnected from my thoughts and my thoughts feel strange to me even though when I reassure myself with other people they tell me they are normal and that they also have such thoughts. I feel crazy my mind is constantly bombarding me with thoughts that I am already delusional or developing something else than OCD and my mind is also telling me that I will never recover because I am unable to control my brain or think straight. After visiting my doctor many times and talking to him he always told me they are just thoughts and he priscribed me prozac and clomipramine which I am taking now. He told me it is mild case of OCD because I am still functional. But I feel like even after taking benzos that something is wrong with me and my thinking all the time. Like I am unable to feel like myself and relaxed for single second. All the time I am thinking about things I deep down know are not true but can not change myself to think anything else or help myself out of this doom. I fear that I will slowly lose touch with reality and develop schizophrenia or something else. For you to better understand what I am going through: I am for example eating my foot and I get a thought that I am still functional, right after that I decide to go do something and I have thought that I am already crazy and out of reality and I immediately feel that way. I tell myself it is just thought and something else random comes to my mind for example I will never be same as before and that I need therapist as soon as possible or I will go mad. Sometimes I am lying down and trying to relax when I suddenly get a thought that I am getting slowly worse and that I am not realising that and I scare myself and try to reassure myself and check if I was feeling better or worse before. Also my mind is always checking about stupid things. For example I say confifently hello to someone and my mind goes back to "going crazy" topic and it goes full random mode. Often I fear to ask normal things because I fear I am acting strange even though nobody never noticed anything even slightly odd. I HOPE SOMEBODY KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT HERE AND MAYBE GONE THROUGH SOMETHING SAME. WISH YOU LUCK !

i'm starting to experience trouble with this situation again. i feel like my ocd is making me feel major guilt even though its not that bad of a situation. when i was 14 (i'm 17) i was holding my baby cousin and i went to sit down so now they were sitting on my lap. i pulled them up on my lap from the crotch area, unintentionally. but then i think my head registered that had touched the crotch area then had an intrusive thought ( maybe something like "touch the area again because of the area" or "or that's the closest you've been" very gross but i don't remember exactly what it was that's just a product of rumination)to repeat the action tap the front of the diaper again (i definitely think the intrusive thought came because of the area), and i didn't want it to look weird there were others) or be in an inappropriate way because i understood that it was the crotch. but in my head at the time it didn't seem so serious because they had on a diaper, I was just trying to complete the "task" the intrusive thought gave me. but i pulled them up again as a way of completing the intrusive thought, and my aunt came and picked him up and naturally my ocd assumed that it was because of the intrusive thought. and i remember thinking "i didn't mean any harm, didn't mean to be inappropriate", and i went over there to see if she would pull him away from me (because i felt bad). anyways she took him to just play, i felt bad for a little but i let the situation go because i knew i had no malice. but now i can't let it go, because my head is saying that i did have bad intentions and that i knew it was wrong. but i don't think i thought the action through, plus he had on a diaper so i think that's also why i didn't think much of it. i feel terrible about it now, and i know would never purposely do any harm. i just think at the time the full picture never occurred to me. but now my head is telling me how can i live with myself knowing this, and i've told friends and i thought they wouldn't wanna be my friend anymore, but they told me they know i would never cause harm.

So I’ve been having this worry about ‘liking the feeling’ of imagining doing that intrusive thought for a long time (the thoughts are about smothering) and I’ve been going through this for so long now I will have times where I focus on other things and stop caring for a few weeks and then it comes back and I’m worrying all over again, I keep crying and feeling angry that I’m going through this and agitated and having outbursts because of this. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like it’s true, like I’m actually believing that it and it’s scary. It feels like I know how it feels to ‘smother’ someone/a cat and now I like how it feels to do that action (squashing them and stopping them from breathing) sorry that sounds horrible i know, and that I liked the feeling of doing that and now I’m worrying that since it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ I’m worried that I’m the future I will want to do that or it feels almost like it’s inevitable and it’s really scary and I’m worried that I will definitely want to ‘feel that feeling’ of doing that since I ‘like the feeling’ but it’s like at the same time that it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ I also get shudders and anxiety and electric shock feeling when I imagine the thoughts but sometimes when I imagine the thought it feels like I like the feeling and it’s really confusing and scary. Also when I stopped ruminating on it for a few weeks when I finally did have a thought it felt like I was more anxious over it and hated it but the more I think about it the less anxious I become and the more it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ it doesn’t 100% feel like that but it feels like I’m believing that I will actually be bad in the future because my brain thinks Of scenarios in the future where I’m evil and it feels like I actually would be or that I would ‘give in’ and like the feeling and it’s scary. I mean it’s not possible to like the feeling of doing something evil (like that smothering thing) and have a conscience is it? (Please tell me it isn’t possible) I’ve been thinking what if after ruminating a lot now I’ve discovered that I like the feeling of smothering but I have a conscience but I’m the future I will end up doing it anyway because I ‘like the feeling’ 😞 the only other thing I can think of is it seems as if I’ve stopped experiencing ‘urges’ at the start of having this problem I knew that I hated the thoughts and I use to get unwanted intrusive thoughts constantly and it use to feel like an ‘urge’ to suddenly lash out and act on the thoughts, at that time the thoughts were about strangling, so I use to worry that I would like the feeling of doing that or like the feeling of putting my hands around someone’s neck and I was scared to go anywhere near or touch someone’s neck but because I never deliberately imagined that to ‘test’ myself it never felt like ‘I liked the feeling’ of imagining doing that because I never ruminated on it but with these smothering thoughts because I kept getting intrusive thoughts about doing that I started testing myself by imagining doing that to see how I would react and instead it felt like I liked the feeling of imagining doing that? But now I’m thinking maybe I haven’t stopped feeling the ‘urges’ maybe this thing where when I imagine the thought it feels like I ‘want to’ or ‘like the feeling’ is the ‘urges’ but I’ve stopped thinking that it feels like an ‘urge’ and instead I’m thinking it’s me actually wanting to do that? Another scary thing is I keep thinking even if I forget about all this I get this horrible feeling/thought that I will still end up acting on it anyways despite not liking the thoughts because it feels like I like the feeling and that’s literally ingrained in my mind now I’m worried no matter how much I try to forget about it it will still become a reality and at some point in the future I will end up doing that, cause it feels like how can I be going through this for over a year now and I’m not actually evil? How can I be constantly ruminating on this and believing it for it all to be a lie? It feels almost like it’s inevitable now and it will actually happen, even in the future that I will ‘give in’ and it’s horrible. I feel so confused and exhausted, I felt so much better and more free when I wasn’t dwelling on it a few weeks ago but now it feels like a huge problem that I’m entangled in and like I’m trapped, especially since it’s a ‘feeling’ involved it feels even more real, because it actually feels like I like the feeling, I can’t explain it but it’s not like I’m worried ‘I like the thoughts or idea of doing that’ it feels like I know how it feels to squash someone with the pillow and stop the from breathing and that I like the feeling of doing that (I know that sounds so horrible I don’t even like writing that out) but I just feel so confused and then I’m having Thai horrible thing where it feels like I’m about to smile or secretly happy/smiling inside when I’m talking about my problem. I woke up this morning and I feel so exhausted, I’m on my period as well I think That’s why I started worrying again as well, and I was on a diet before I started going through this and it was going well giving myself something to focus on and now I’ve been binge eating a lot like comfort eating because this problem is stressing me out a lot, also yesterday when I was crying about this problem I hit myself , not hard (it’s not serious) but it’s like I get so frustrated I took it out on myself, or I will like hit the wall with my hand, honestly I don’t know what to do, I wish I could be saved from this

I don’t know what to do. Psychiatrist I’ve been to have been so unhelpful about medication side effects. Every antidepressant I’ve been on makes me soo exhausted to where it’s hard to function. I was on cymbalta which made me happy & bright back passion in my life for the first time in over a decade and I was stupid and got off of it b/c I was so tired. It took me over a year to feel like a human again even after restarting it b/c I was so depressed off it and it doesn’t have the same effect now that I’m on it again. I am depressed & have been on the meds again for over two years. I told my psychiatrist this and he said “I’ve never heard of that.” Really?? I really don’t like or trust mental health professionals after all the sh*t I’ve been through with mental illness the past 17 years. It’s like I have to choose between being happy and being able to function in normal society. The meds also have sexual side effects and I don’t even know for sure if depression is biochemical or not so am j supposed to be on antidepressants for ever? I have ocd and depression by the way.

Whenever I have urges like being attracted to someone else or breaking up or trying to emotionally connect to my boyfriend, my brain has started this new trick wherein it's constantly like this relationship isn't even real anyways and this person isn't who you think he is. I am in a long distance relationship and this has got me going crazy. It's not helping that my partner and I are on a break and I've been feeling numb and like I don't care about him anymore. I wanna fight and not loose him but this illusion sounds so real that I am scared I'd end up losing my battle with ROCD. Can anyone help?