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Any tips for intrusive thoughts about harming yourself ?

I have a severe emotional contamination ocd. 13 years ago I was on Zoloft. It helped. When I stopped, the OCD got so bad with each year that I wasn't able to function normally. After 7 years without medication, I started with Asentra again. Asentra is like Zoloft. It helps a lot with anxiety, helps me calm my overactive brain from thinking and worrying constantly. Even helps me cheat with my compulsions. I am not such a strict and rigid perfectionist any more. I can't imagine my life without the help from medication any more. Hadn't I started with the SSRI again last October, I don't think I would have made it till today. I would not be alive today. But both times, there are severe side effects. I feel like hypnotized all the time. My head feels like in a cloud. There is this pressure like someone was holding my head with their hands. I find it hard to motivate myself to start an activity or even housework. I have trouble focusing. If I have an appointment or meeting at a certain time, I am always on the brink of being late. I make it in time, but at the last second.I hate that. That's not me. I can't make myself go to bed and fall asleep. Since I've been on 100mg, I've had many nights when I didn't fall asleep at all. My doctor gave me another medication, Kventiax, which is antipsychotic, but in very low dose helps with sleeping problems. I only took it before sleep 4 times. Which makes only 2 pills of the lowest dosage. I fell asleep,even remembered some vivid dreams, but the following day I couldn't keep my eyes open. Every time I made at least 1 day break between taking the sleeping pills, every time the same. If I had to go to work the next day, I would get fired for not being able to function properly. If I don't take the pill, I don't sleep. If I on purpose leave out and not drink Zoloft on a day, that night I go to sleep much earlier and sleep ok even without Kventiax . But the next day, OCD gets stronger. Both times, last time, years ago and again now I have gained weight since taking Asentra = Zoloft. I just 6 months I gained 10kg. I don't sleep, I am exhausted, when I am tired instead of going to bed and sleep or prepare a nice meal for myself, I can't move and just eat tons of sweets. How can I stop this vicious circle? My doctor is not very cooperative. I see her only 1x in a month and a half. In between meetings, I am not supposed to bother her unless I feel suicidal. I haven't slept in almost 2 months, have gained 10kg, am exhausted to the point I don't know how to function anymore, but when I told my doctor, she gave me the sleeping pills and that is all. She mentioned another medication as a possible alternative for Zoloft, but it is not being manufactured any longer. I sent her an email, told her that, asked if we could try sth else, but as usual, no answer from her.It's been over 3 weeks. I need to wait till 8.May 23, when I have the next meeting with her. Even then I know she won't do anything to help. There are only 2 psychiatrists around here and the other one is full. I can't live without medication. But it is almost impossible to function when I am on it. IS THERE SOMEONE HERE WHO COULD GIVE ADVICE WHAT TO DO? IS THERE ANOTHER MEDICATION, THAT DOES NOT CAUSE INCREASING THE WISH FOR BINGE SWEETS EATING (WHEN NOT ON ASENTRA, I COULD GO DAYS WITHOUT TOUCHING ANYTHING SWEET), DOES NOT CAUSE WEIGHT GAIN, INSOMNIA AND DOES NOT CAUSE BRAIN FOG? THANKS IN ADVANCE.

Does anyone have kids and harm ocd? I swear this feels unbearable, I’m suffering. My poor family deserves better than this. I feel like I’m going to throw up 24/7. I’ve Tried doing some erp therapy at home and it’s not helping. I feel like a hopeless case

I’ve been in a bad episode for about a month now. I started when I took an antibiotic and had an allergic reaction. Even before that, I had been scared to eat new foods or take meds. But this one got me. After that I had shut down everything around me. Ended up going to the ER because of my chest about 2 days later. They said it was acute anxiety. I ended up being so concerned over my health and touching or eating stuff that I started cutting out stuff I’ve used before and ate before. Within the past 2 weeks I’ve lost 10 pounds struggling to eat. The whole time I eat, I’m scared. And anytime I do things I’m scared. Then my mind tries to tell me things happened. Like I swallowed soap or took a random pill. My health anxiety brought me down to a bad point where I spent about 3 hours a day looking up symptoms on safari. With a high of 8 hours 2 different days. I’ve thought I was dying under everything under the sun. Any pain meant I was dying. I called 2 different hotlines countless times. Took my temperature up to 5 times a day. Even over little simple stuff. I went to at least 5 different doctors. Ive been 2 days without calling or looking anything up. It’s caused me to feel intense fear. I crave looking this stuff up. Almost like an addiction. Does anyone else see their OCD as an addiction? Anyways, I’ve been trying to reach out for help. And no matter how hard I try, I feel like nothing helps. But ever since I downloaded this app and seen that there are other people like me. I’ve felt some sort of hope. When I have pains, like tonight, I’m able to push past the thoughts of something serious happening. Like tonight my stomach was hurting and the urges to look stuff up all night has been eating at me. But I got past it. Earlier I was struggling with some intense self hatred. I was basically driving myself insane trying to deal with my OCD and focus. I just kept breaking down and crying every few 30 minutes. I’ve felt really lost and disconnected lately. I also get really intense mood swings with the OCD. Going from hope to no hope. The best way to describe how I feel is that my brain is broken and does what it wants. Like it’s malfunctioning. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. But if anyone else has had a similar experience to me, please, reach out to me. Or leave your experiences below to help me through this. I need the support of everyone. I love you all. We got this.

Is there a direct link between the two? Are OCD sufferers more prone to feelings of guilt? I have therapy today, which I try to do in person, but it's over an hour's travel there and back and today I just don't feel like it. I can't stop feeling like I'm being lazy or giving into my current low mood by asking to move it online. I'm panicking about whether the change will inconvenience my therapist or make her judge me in some way. And the guilt I'm feeling is immense. My general OCD themes are relationship and health related, so this doesn't really fall under those categories. But the guilt feels like the guilt I feel when my usual intrusive thoughts pop up. Maybe it's a perfectionism thing, idk.

I made some progress, confronted the fears and holy **** once that disease has nothing to hang on it’s literally freaking HELL Entire libido and attraction to women is back, meaning this should be the end right ?? Nope the thoughts don’t care, they are back stronger than ever and making the recovery process hell! Yesterday night was the weirdest, with my mind screaming at me that I am gay, and I am like “you know what cool ok” but at the same time there is something inside me that just says “nope that’s not you”, a clear and simple conviction that this thought isn’t true Both clashing sent me into an actual panic attack that made me actually physically ill, overwhelming thoughts going through my head to the point of wanting to literally harm myself. Accepting the possibility that maybe on the other side of the recovery process, there is a discovery that I am gay was supposed to make things better, but now my ocd latched into this to say that this is actually what I want. I understand why people refuse recovery sometimes lol, not doing compulsion make all of it 20 times worse

Tw: trichotillomania I wanted to use this forum to talk about my recent experience with a hair removal specialist and see if anyone has has a similar experience. I have been pulling my hair out for about 30 min a day, every day, for over 15 years. About a month ago, I don't know what hit me but I finally had enough. I booked myself a consultation with a woman who specialized in laser hair removal and electrolysis. I was very nervous to do this, in fact I tried to do this 2 years ago and chickened out. The area I focus pulling on is very damaged from years of pulling. Scarring, open wounds, etc. I did not know how that would be received by a hair removal specialist. Not to mention, I had a doctor look my mom in the eye and tell her I was lying about pulling all the hair out, and it was simply razor burn. (I guess I was really good at getting it out?) So I finally get the courage to go to a hair removal specialist and don't touch the area for two days prior to the consultation in a desperate attempt to make it presentable. The day comes, and she takes a look at the area. I brought my fiancee along with me because they are my number one cheerleader. I had emailed her in advance giving her context of the situation, since it's complicated. Despite this, she really didn't know what she was in for. She didn't know what trichotillomania is. I think all people who specialize in hair removal should learn what it is, as I imagine many of their clients struggle with it, regardless if they tell them. Further, since I had very little hair in the area she asked me how I remove it. I said I pull it out, but she proceeded to ask me if I shave. I said no, all pulling for 15 years, not much grows in anymore because a lot to the follicles have sustained permanent damage. She was physically shocked and wasn't afraid to say it. Her - that must be crazy painful girl Me - haha, actually I've been doing it so long I don't feel it anymore Her - that must take so long Me - yes, it has consumed many years of my life Her - didn't your mom teach you how to appropriately remove your hair Me - awkwardly exchanges looks with my fiancee because we both know I had an emotionally abusive mother who actually taught me nothing Suffice to say, the laser she did on my wasn't what hurt, but her comments did. Worst of all, as I was checking out she stressed that, for the treatment to work, I could not pull the hair out between treatments (which I knew). She ended her statement with "you can't tweeze it, have some self control". That was the statement that hurt the most of all because I know that trichotillomania is more than just not having self control, at least it is for me. It is an addictive compulsion, something I need to feel okay, something I have done every day for more than half of my life. I wish I would have told her it wasn't that easy, but I only laughed awkwardly, paid for the session, and walked home in tears.

I’ve been doing so good not seeking reassurance but I’m anxious as hell. My Aunty is spiritual and I asked her how she sees spirits and she said “imagine an apple” and so I did and she said that’s how she sees them like imagining they are there and now I’ve convinced myself im schizophrenic but imagining someone idk standing in the hall way ( im not actually seeing it ) but it’s making me paranoid and what if I convince myself im seeing stuff and then I do. Is this normal? Can anyone look at a door way and imagine someone standing there for a split second in ur head or am I insane

A lot of us go through horrible experiences with our OCD day-to-day to the point of we’re literally living in fear. Does anyone have any tips on how to self-soothe when your OCD is loud?

I’m struggling a bit right now. I have, until now, REALLY emotionally struggled and my brain is saying accepting these thoughts are a lot easier and usually I get so so upset but my brain is numb. Some of my thoughts get no real emotional response and this terrifies me as the whole convo surrounding this is “you know these thoughts aren’t real cos you’re so upset. Has anyone had this too?

I saw a video that sexuality can change on YouTube and it's triggered me badly my brain is now saying that ever since hocd my sexuality has changed to bisexual I'm feeling lack of attraction to women again, I'm affraid I cannot deal with this alone again I need advice I was happy being straight I was happy being in love with women, having crushes and feeling attraction to them I feel so alien right now my identity is lost :( worst relapse I've ever had.

My ocd was weaponized by a therapist who wanted to do trauma work. Against my wishes. She told me “why are you in therapy if you don’t want to do the work”. I didn’t know about my childhood trauma. But she found it, and judged me for it. And then put intrusive thoughts in my head. It wasn’t until this week that I realized that I might be suffering from ocd. My family is getting sick of me. I’m stuck in a negative tape loop. After therapy I started having panic attacks and now am faced with dealing with anxiety and depression almost daily. I’m so pissed at her. I think I’m traumatized by going to therapy. She taught my brain to look for trouble. She also put unhelpful thoughts in my heads. Oh, and when my lizard brain found the guilt and shame of childhood. She told me to imagine a golden box to put it back in. My inner child wants to burn my house down and has no plans on leaving. So, I feel stuck.

I have absolutely no desire to make any promises to God, but that’s how this started out. I made one promise to God and wasn’t going to fail it for anything. After it was over, I guess my ocd realized how much promises to God meant to me because at some point after I started having intrusive thoughts of saying the promise word to God and then feeling as though I would have to do whatever I felt I promised (the compulsion) or I feared something would be “taken away” from me or that I would be “punished” somehow if I didn’t. After several months I think of battling this, it then shifted demonically. Now I fear as though I’m making oaths or promises to the devil himself and though I know I can break those ties simply by calling on Jesus’ Name…. How many more times? I can’t keep taking this, it’s draining the life out of me and I live every day in survival mode. I got ocd in my last therapy session and thought I may have made a stupid oath to God that I wouldn’t talk much, so in fear of God’s punishment or allowance for punishment somehow, I spent 95% of the session dead quiet just listening. I need help or this is going to eat me alive, if you don’t mind please share your thoughts🙏🏼

My ex therapist. She denied I had OCD, even if I obsessed over my health, being schizophrenic, my ex relationship, religion etc...she said I was just an anxious person, one day I started to obsess over being trans (but it lasted just two months, because I never liked the idea of being a guy) and I told her this thing and she started saying "maybe you do have some signs of OCD, but nothing extreme" and she told me it was definitely just an obsession created by tiktok. But then I told her then the month before I also started obsess over my sexuality a little bit because I worked with a masc lesbian and I liked her appearance, but then it went away because I realized that I liked guys more and I didn't like her sexually, just the appearance. But she started to press me into thinking more about my sexuality, it could be true, maybe I was a lesbian even if I liked guys before I still could be a lesbian etc, even if I was obsessing it didn't mean it couldn't be true etc...and it started. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I didn't go to therapy for a year because I was scared, I didn't go out anymore. Then I changed therapist, she told me it was definitely OCD and I had every sign OCD. I went to another therapist too, to see if he agreed and he told me that I had OCD without doubts. But I still think about my ex therapist. I can't stop thinking about what she said.

So a month ago I started taking trintellix for ocd but a month later I decided to not take it as it didn't really do much for me. I read the side effects and that really triggered my ocd and gave it something to latch onto. I was so worried I would get blasted with the suicidal side effects as Suicidal OCD is a sub type I deal with. Then I've been on/off again with this girl because of my rocd that I didn't find out about till last September. I feel like I had an epiphany though! Because as I sat in the uncomfortability of my ocd I dig into my tools and realized something. Well first I questioned why the ocd always attacks what we fear most? Which...that's it! That's how I combat it. The ocd for me, attacks my worst fears and flips the script on my true morals/beliefs. So it's like "unhooking" where you take the "thought" and look at it as if it was in your hand, then you "look" at the thought and you instantly realize that none of the intrusive thoughts, or fears are true! So guys, let's stay strong! Keep using whatever tools you have to help you keep on pushing! This does get easier! We can handle this!💚

My OCD has been with me since childhood. I got some help with my mental health in my teens and went to an actual hospital. I’m now almost 30 and something’s changed after I got COVID. Granted so many triggering and nerve wrecking scenarios have transpired to not give me any peace of mind even in the “down” moments. I find myself being fully unable to do a single thing without my ocd taking over now however. I have so many types of ocd which I knew but mine is complex. My ocd is associated to germs and what have you but anyone associated to my SA abuser I distance myself from too. There is a emotional component. I can’t even have anything to do with people who have any estranged tie but it’s transferred to objects now. Other people who may have just had that person at their home etc. I’m now unable to receive packages from certain people even knowing they may have come from Amazon directly for example but also my favorite human being I can’t see anymore even moving closer to them because of this whole situation. In my mind they may have had a person in their home therefore they have touched things they have touched and then would touch me etc. I know these things are illogical but again after I got COVID my symptoms have gotten worse. I now find myself hoping I only use the restroom once a day because whatever fear, I sometimes don’t leave my house for days and weeks at a time, I shower too much or not for weeks. Truly I could go on and on but ultimately I lost my job as my ocd is just taking too much time. My S/O lost their job because we worked at the same company and it is going under so now I find myself on unemployment trying to really provide since I was on unemployment before my partner. It’s added stress on added stress. This is beyond unfair and obnoxious and insert adjective really for myself but it’s also unfair of me to put my partner through this. They are now struggling a bit too so I don’t want to add even more pressure. I can’t even check my mail or truly make food or the simplest of things right now. I had ocd prior like I said but something just pushed me over the edge and now it’s constantly getting worse but not only my mental health my physical is TERRIBLY SCARY right now too. I am just fully at a loss on how to heal when the severity came on all of a sudden and has now just consumed every aspect of my life. I need meds but can’t get into doctors. I need therapy but can’t afford it. I need to be able to be a functioning human but can’t find myself being independent enough to even bathe, eat, do laundry, etc etc. I just want to know if anyone’s symptoms feel like they’ve gotten worse from getting COVID cause that’s the only thing that transpired before the aftermath of my job that I can pin point. Any and all information or guidance is helpful and I’m grateful. 🙏

I noticed that being alone really messes with my thoughts and it's been hard to relax at the moment. I just keep thinking about the past, negative thinking, and really disturbing intrusive thoughts that I just want to stop. Just want to go back to how I was before 2020 even happened. I wasn't the best person then but at least I wasn't going through THIS every single day.

Interested to know whether anyone here feels there ocd is the result of engagement or exposure - intentional or not - to some occultic practice?

Hey guys - I wanted to share something that has helped me in my ocd journey - in becoming stronger in myself. At first glance, Attachment Theory seems unrelated to OCD. Basically, if you haven’t heard of it - it’s a way of describing our relationships to other people - if we avoid them, constantly need to be closer to them, or are happy in the middle. The three insecure types are dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and anxious attachment. And then there’s secure. (I’ll attach an article at the end so you can read in more detail if interested). People with insecure attachment tend to deal with negative beliefs about themselves - like “I’m not good enough” or, “I’m not worthy of love” or “I am not emotionally safe”. Our behavior in our relationships is indicative of our own self concept, our self esteem, and these insecurities. Whether we constantly doubt if people are mad at us, worry about the state of our relationships, or try to avoid being hurt by others - are indications of different attachment styles. Now here’s how it relates. OCD has a lot to do with our self concept, our sense of self, and our self esteem - because of the way it latches onto our values and makes us doubt those things. A quote from a recent study on attachment in OCD patients says “Anxious attachment is common in patients with OCD and interconnects with primary OCD symptomatology.” Furthermore, “Insecure attachment leads to the formation of dysfunctional beliefs about the world and self, which influences the dynamics of OCD. It is associated with maladaptive cognitive processes such as an inflated sense of responsibility, perfectionism, and mind control. With worse emotional regulation and reduced self-esteem (which can also result from insecure attachment), it can lead to maladaptive behaviour such as perfectionistic and compulsive behaviour to secure and stabilize self-worth and safety.” Here’s the article in case you’re interested: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34506091/ One hallmark of a securely attached person is that their sense of self is strong. They are more trusting in relationships and also of their own instincts. So, looking at this data - Well it makes sense to assume that learning better emotional regulation and improving self esteem may lessen perfectionist and compulsive behavior - Basically, healing attachment style can perhaps lessen the severity of OCD, as it will make you have a stronger sense of self. *now, just a disclaimer. Take this as you will- you are the one that knows where you’re at in your recovery journey. ERP should be a top priority but this is something that may help on the side 🤗 Good news! If you’re insecurely attached- you can heal this. Look up Personal Development School online and take an attachment test. Once you have your result, there are free videos on YouTube under Personal Development School for you to access and learn about your own tendencies. If you’re interested in attachment here are some resources for you: Article - “Attachment Style May Influence Obsessive Compulsive Symptoms” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/202205/attachment-style-may-influence-obsessive-compulsive-symptoms?amp Book - “Attached” by Amir Levine Personal Development School - heal your attachment style through online courses. https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz/?utm_source=google-search&utm_medium=cpc-lead&utm_campaign=18002521897&utm_term=&gc_id=18002521897&h_ad_id=615763633191&utm_content=personal%20development%20school&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1I_xlKCP_gIVFRDnCh2FZw22EAAYASAAEgJtcfD_BwE Sending love to you guys ❤️ I know how hard it can be. But I also know this - you can do this.

TW: Moral scrupulosity There are many ways I can think of describing my experience with OCD and yet none of them can truly do it justice to the non-sufferer. If you have never been held on a death grip by a cycle of rumination, or been detached from all of reality as you know if coming out of that cycle, then I can not do it justice with my writing alone. OCD is one of those things that you cannot truly know until you have experienced it. But I can try, I can try to explain how it feels. I have concluded that it is bleakest war one could ever fight, bleak because it’s me against myself and yet neither of us can truly see things for what they are, like a dark fog clouding all sense of judgement. I have once described it like how I imagine being physically stuck in a liminal space would feel like, a space with no exits, just a backwards and forwards pacing with the extreme urgency to exit but to no avail. It’s a vicious illness, the harder you try to pull yourself out of the darkness, the quicker you sink into it - very much like quicksand. Now, imagine that battle internally, while existing in the outside world as one must, tending to all obligations and errands like every other person, but with this battle on constant repetition every single day inside the mind - that is what life is like for an OCD sufferer. It is brutally testing, and what makes it all the more brutal is the way a sufferer feels like nobody can or would understand. So we end up suffering in silence most of the time. Why does the sufferer feel like that? Why can’t they just talk to a loved one or a friend? Because that’s how OCD thrives, it convinced us nobody can or will understand, the theme is too horrific, too real, too bad to talk to anyone about it. What if it’s not OCD at all?…What if I really am an evil of bad person?…What if I deserve punishment?… What if someone realises I am really a bad person and I do get punished?…How can I figure this out?…How can I truly know? Before you know it, years have passed asking the same questions internally, seeking the same reassurance externally, and fighting the same battles daily. I have often thought, the only way it will truly end is in the grave, and yet I hope it’ll end sooner. I hope I’ll know one day what it feels like to live my life, to breathe and feel free like any other person. To see the trees for what they are, not for what they are and whether I’m deserving of being able to see the trees at all.