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This is one of the main theme why I have SOOCD? do you deal with this? If yes can we talk about it please

I dont want to ask for reassurance but i feel like i need some emotional support right now. Im so sensitive right now, and that makes my ocd worse... We are going to the beach tomorrow for 4 days, and for a reason today i got so anxious, sensitive. This is the 4th time that we are going to the beach yet im still worried about the trip and it makes me worry more. Its a really long trip, like 8-10 hours, and im so afraid that i will be sick bc of the sensitiveness... At the first time when we went there, it was 6 years ago, i got so stressed that i vomited and i felt so sick the entire vacation, it was really bad, since then im afraid when we go to the beach that i will be sick... Another thing that makes me really sensitive is that we got a dog 5 months ago and its the first time that I wont see him for days...it makes me so sad, i know its just a dog but for me its like my child...and this sadness makes me worry again that i will be sick or i will not enjoy the vacation... Idk i didnt felt this level of stress a long time ago, this doesnt even felt like ocd, its just many stressors came and made me sensitive...Im a christian but these things made me even feel like God isnt here right now and i cant lean on Him...I know its just a feeling but it was soo strong I couldnt feel like He will help me... So yeah idk what happened but i didnt felt this bad a long time ago...

I’ve suffered from this theme on and off now for years. And it’s focused around this one stupid event in the past. I’ve explained it in a previous post. Short story I feel I micro-cheated on my wife by putting on deodorant before going out the door to help a friend of hers who I find attractive. Her friend asked me. I didn’t go out of my way to ask her. I didn’t do anything questionable on that day besides put deodorant on and somehow my mind has latched onto it. My wife even knew who I was with and where we were going. I feel I was trying to gain attention because I know it smells good. I found an article online that emphasized “micro cheating”. A list item in there says “Dressing up or wearing perfume to impress someone” and now I equate that to what I did. I feel that this is cheating. It’s bad and I need to confess to my wife. I broke down and confessed to her last year that I wore deodorant to “impress” someone but didn’t specify who. I didn’t want to mess up their friendship. She seemed to gloss over what I said and wasn’t really affected by it. I keep going back to it thinking “If only you knew it was THIS person it would be 1000 times worse! You didn’t tell her the whole truth! You’re trickle-truthing!” I’m my mind she would be be devastated if I told her and divorce me so the fact that I haven’t told her is living a lie”. I hate this so much. I feel my entire life with her is riding on me keeping this inside and if I let it out it’s game over. Divorce. Homeless. Custody battles. Financial ruin. Everything. Any time divorce is brought up in movies or anything I am triggered. I just want this to go away. But the fact that it hasn’t leads me to believe it’s legit guilt and not just OCD and I’m using OCD as an excuse. Has anyone successfully conquered this type of theme? Or does it only really end in a confession.

How long will this go on for? I’m so tired. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I just want it to go away. It’s hard to accept uncertainty when you were once so sure and confident about yourself. Why did this happen to me? How did it happen to me? I feel so sick and unsure and alone and fraudulent. I feel like the only solution is just to not exist anymore. I don’t want reassurance. I already know who I am and what I want. I just want my fucking brain to shut up. I want it to stop convincing me that I’m someone I’m not. I want the night terrors and migraines to go away. I want the pit and aches in my stomach to stop. I want to be able to breathe without my breath shuddering. I want to be able to read lesbian media again without my brain telling me that I’m faking my sexuality and that I’m not actually a lesbian. I want to be able to listen to songs again without my brain giving me intrusive thoughts about being with men and liking it. I want to be proud about who I am without my brain telling me that I’m going to fuck/end up with a man and be happy. I want the straight fantasies to go away. I want to be able to cry about something that isn’t ocd again. I want to stop being numb after crying and accepting my “straightness” bc I know I’m not no matter how much my brain tells me “your heart knows you’re straight. You know you’re straight. You were never attracted to women.” I want to stop picturing being happy with men and being “ok” with it. And then getting anxious the very next second and not know why. I want it all to fucking stop. I want to be able to at least tolerate living again.

long post ahead and trigger warning: a few years ago I started talking to/ dating this person and right at the beginning I did something horribly disrespectful and invasive to them. At the time I thought nothing of it. We ended up falling in love and had a committed relationship. Everything was amazing. As the months went on, I had learned more about their previous hardships they’ve faced in their life and with that the realization of the weight of my actions along with the shame and guilt and regret that came with it started to tear me apart. I owned up to my actions and confessed to my partner. They were rightfully very upset, but we worked through it! I did everything I could to show them the value they had and how much I truly loved and cared for them. We dated for almost 2 years after that. One day they became distant, and a week or so after that they had told me essentially that the incident from years ago came back up and, they didn’t truly heal from my actions, and that they had just pushed them to the side and tried to take care of it themselves but were suffering in silence the whole time. They vocalized that they loved me, but also how much weight my actions carried and how they didn’t know if they could trust me ever again and that they felt uncomfortable to be near me. Ultimately it started with a break then full breakup and ended it on a “it’s not forever” note and that we’d stay in contact, but as the months have gone on they have completely stopped communicating with me. I had made a couple attempts to reach out every few weeks to no word. Now I’m in distress because I feel crippling shame over my careless shitty behavior I had all those years ago. It came back even worse than before. I keep worrying about whether I’ve become this vile irredeemable person, and I think about what they said about the weight of my actions and I just can’t forgive myself. I want to be judged harshly because I feel I deserve it. But I also have to deal with the moral scrupulosity of whether or not I confessed or apologized too much or too little over the whole situation. And I had loved this person so much and planned our futures together and now that’s gone. It just feels like I’ve ruined my entire being. My life goal was to be a good father and husband and now the person I planned that with has left me and is disgusted by me. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve done what I can to give myself self respect and give them their space. And maybe one day they will reach out and we will clear things up. It’s possible. But maybe they won’t. And that’s also possible and completely understandable. My moods flip on a dime to either ‘fine’ or just crippled with shame and regret to the point of feeling suicidal. I’m just so tired of feeling like shit all the time over something i did all those years ago that in that moment I didn’t give a second thought over their repercussions. Now I’ve hurt myself and the person I’ve loved most and I’m just scared if either will be able to heal or if it’s even worth me healing because I feel like my whole life now is just pointless and aimless. It’s terrible. I started therapy again and have talked to my therapist about this. It just comes and goes in waves of anger shame. Ugh. If you read all that thanks. I know I’m probably not supposed to do this for real event ocd and I hope this wasn’t just a huge compulsion.

Hi all! I’ve gotten all my physical compulsions under control, but I’m still fighting the intrusive thoughts (and by fighting, I mean welcoming and acknowledgment them but not interacting). I thought once the compulsions went away, the OCD goes away or at least decreases. Ruminating is my mental compulsion that my brain is stuck on - yes, I’ve always been an over thinker. Any techniques that you’ve found helpful?

My pocd has been so so awful this year i absolutely hate it. it gives me so many intrusive thoughts that plays into real events / false memories. An incident happened today and i cannot stop panicking. I was laying on the sofa as my head was sort of hurting and i was sleeping. My younger cousin came to get the remote from me and before she did i moved my head away from her and then closed my eyes and waited for her to move bc close contact makes me anxious. But here’s the thing. i’m freaking out because what if i moved my head back so it brushes past her private area? did it brush past her? were my intentions bad?? 😭 and the thing that makes this feel more real is the fact before she came over to pick the remote up, she called my name to change the channel but i didn’t reply and i think i knew she’d come over to get it. i think maybe that’s why i opened my eyes to move the control but by that time she had already come over. am i a bad person? literally an hour before this i was holding my breath when she was next to me because i didn’t want to breathe too much as it may make the sofa move underneath me which she was sitting on too. i feel like the worst person ever & i deserve to die 😭💔

Trigger warning for mention of suicide, getting sick, weight loss, generally heavy topics It’s the one year anniversary of when my OCD started to get extremely bad. This is my story if you care to read it! In August of 2022, I suddenly started having severe relationship OCD. I was nauseous all the time, I didn’t sleep well, I lost a lot of weight because I could barely eat, and anything I did eat, I got sick immediately after. I had convinced myself I was a cheater, that I was lying to my boyfriend about who I really was, that he would be much better off without me. In September of 2022, my religious OCD came back after about 9 years. I was constantly back and forth between religious OCD and relationship OCD every single day. I was so tired. In October of 2022, my OCD had progressed to the point where I started contemplating suicide. I thought that the world would be better without me in it and that I was too horrible of a person. I contemplated ruining my relationships with my boyfriend and my friends to “save them” from me. December of 2022 was the absolute worst it got. Every night I was taking way too many pills so that I would sleep all throughout the next day to avoid my OCD and severe anxiety (which is extremely dangerous with the medication I was taking). I had convinced myself that if I got therapy, even my therapist would think I’m too far gone. Every day I was on the brink of ending my own life. I stopped caring about my health or wellbeing because “I didn’t deserve to be happy”. It got to the point where my mom kept asking me to “please never leave [her]” You know what I did? I stayed. It was not easy, at all, but it was so incredibly worth it. I told my parents about my OCD and they supported me and helped me to get therapy. I have started to heal my relationship with Jesus, I can finally read the Bible without becoming extremely nauseous, and I have once again found comfort in His arms. 🤍 I got to see my nephew get older, he is starting to talk and calls me “tee tee” (auntie). He’s become such a wonderful boy, and he’s also gonna be a big brother! 🤍🤍🤍 I also opened up to my boyfriend about my OCD, my past traumas, my general mental health, and he has supported me and loved me every step of the way. I am so happy with him and so in love, I’ve made so many memories with him this year. 🤍🤍🤍 I know this post is long, and if you read this far, please stay! You have no clue what you will miss out on. Life will be beautiful again, you are beautiful and the world needs you. It may be hard to see for yourself sometimes, but you are so loved. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take things one moment at a time, and remember that while life may not always be easy, the bad times make the good ones just so wonderful. 🤍🤍🤍

Does anyone else sometimes just think about ending their good relationship that they enjoy just to avoid the cycle of constant relationship anxiety? We’ve been together 8 years. He’s never given me any reason to doubt him, but still the smallest thing will happen, like he starts a new job and it just sends me into a tailspin. I start getting intrusive thoughts like “what if he meets someone? He’s got to be sick of me by now. Why wouldn’t he want her? (A new coworker) She’s much more attractive than me..” I’ll manage to go a day or two without bringing it up and asking for reassurance but it’s like every single thing that happens will just become “evidence” to me that my worst fear is coming true: his tone sounded a little different. I’m probably right and should get ready for this to end. Asking for reassurance just comes across as accusations, and he gets angry and frustrated. People would say “oh if he gets defensive, he’s guilty”. So then the anxiety gets worse. But what he’s telling me is he’s exhausted and frustrated from me “always doubting him”. And he doesn’t deserve that. I hate it and often suggest just breaking up due to my feelings of guilt over constantly asking for reassurance and that just makes him more mad as he doesn’t want to break up. I’m just exhausted. So I think “maybe I should just leave. Be alone. He deserves better”. But that just sounds like punishment for both of us because it’s not what either of us wants.

I have an issue with evaluating people’s attractiveness when I see them. Usually it’s because I’m afraid that I am attracted to them and I don’t want to be because I’m in a relationship. So it’s like checking and mental review and it’s strangely difficult to overcome. I even evaluate ugly people and feel relief when I can’t see attractiveness. I have recently started to focus on thinking about someone’s emotions/intentions when I see them instead. When I’m scanning the room I purposely focus on this and it actually keeps me from evaluating people’s appearance and attractiveness because I’m focusing on empathy and understanding. My question is this actually a solution and productive? Or is it some kind of compulsion or avoidance? Looking for someone closer to recovery or recovered to answer.

Hey guys. I feel like you all are the right people to ask because you’re going through this as well. Do you have any tips for helping with the loneliness that ocd can bring? What helps you? Oftentimes I feel like when I’m struggling I don’t want to bring it up all of the time to my family, because ocd is the same thing to explain every time. I realized that I was becoming really isolated, especially because my themes are SOOCD and ROCD, which make me avoid relationships and friends sometimes, even though doing so is making me lonely. Any tips? Thanks guys ❤️

Does anyone else notice their anxiety and OCD is a million times worse when their partner/loved one is away? My partner has to leave for 3 weeks at a time for work out of province and I’ve been struggling HARD lately, the lowest I had ever been in my life but have been feeling a lot better this past week. Today he left for 3 weeks and it just feels like my anxiety is so much worse because it started to get bad (this past episode) when he was away, and my themes have been targeting him lately but when he’s home he’s my safe space and makes me feel so loved and understood and when he’s gone I just feel so alone again, I’m scared this will be another 3 weeks of hell on earth until he’s home again. Then when he leaves will it be another 3 weeks of hell? I feel like I don’t really have anyone except my mom and she’s the best but my best friend just moved across the country, I can’t spend time with her and my other friend who I’m close with and used to tell everything to because she would always give me the best advice and I felt like she understands and never judged, well I just found out that I was WAY WRONG ABOUT THAT! I’m not even speaking to her about anything personal because she doesn’t get it. I was explaining to her about my OCD and she was like “oh ok, we’ll my family members son has REAL ocd where everything has to be clean and turns the stove off a bunch of times?” Then had the nerve to say last week that maybe I don’t actually have OCD and it’s just a byproduct of my father not being there for me when I was younger and I’m trying to get attention because i lacked a father figure….

This isn't exactly totally about my OCD, it's a story about my life. So it's related, but it's also not. When I was 19 Harm OCD first manifested. Back in 1995 Harm OCD wasn't a thing. I lived with intense guilt and shame, I thought I was going crazy. And even when it ebbed and I could focus more, the OCD permanently changed who I was. Much more gun shy to do anything, always having to watch for triggers and stress, I lost any future I had. I mean at 19 many people don't know what they want to do, what their destiny is, etc. I still don't. After having to retake 2 years of classes I got a BA in English in 1999. I know a liberal arts degree won't get you a good job, so I applied to graduate school and got in on a free ride. My recommendations were great. I thought I had a handle on what I was going to do with my life. Then on November 13, 1999 I Had a relapse. Harm OCD. I flunked all my courses and came home in 2000 . And I've been home ever since. I started Paxil in 2006. I worked as a substitute teacher, then at Wal Mart for 7 years. I lost my job at Wal Mart because of intense anger. I discovered after mom died in 2008 that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I worked in 2013, and that's been it. I haven't worked since. Being so miserable, I prayed repeatedly for death in 2014. My life just never turned out the way I wanted it to. I could never get it together. Never make it work. In January of 2015 I actually made a New Year's resolution, that I would lose weight, get a job, and re-start my life. I had to smile a little and shake my head when I broke my back a couple of weeks later. So 2015 I spent most of my time in bed and walking with a cane. In January, 2016 I had a successful back surgery, but it came at a cost. I have a partially disabled back and the anesthesia screwed me up for 3 years. From 2016-2019 I dealt with coming out of my anesthesia fog, going to my ailing grandma's once a week and applying for work. I applied for hundreds of jobs but, I don't know if it's because of my age, or being out of the workforce for so long, but I didn' t anything. Grandma died at almost 97 in 2019. We were very close. The "pandemic" hurt a lot of people's psyches, and I was no exception. My niece left home so it was just me and dad. Even though I didn't work, the zeitgeist was different and is now. Nothing has been right in the world since 2019. Our dog died in 2021 at the age of 14. In early 2022 my dad got rectal cancer, and things started to get worse for me. For some reason in early 2022 I took a friend's advice and decided to take Xanax to help me sleep. It didn't work. So after just five weeks of 1mg a night I decided to quit cold turkey. I am convinced that broke my brain. The withdrawal was so bad. I've never actually been in terror before, but I was. I felt incredibly depressed. It was hard to be the caretaker I had to be for dad. As the weeks went on I started feeling like everything was meaningless. Nothing meant anything to me anymore. Past memories, family, etc., meant zero to me. It was an awful feeling, one I still struggle with. I also started having either caregiver burnout or resentment. In August of last year I decided to quit Paxil, which I had been on since 2006. Again, cold turkey. I don't know if I did this because I wasn't thinking right or whatever, but as soon as I did this, the problems I was already having got worse. My Harm OCD came back worse than ever. Over the past 8 months I've been battling two types of intrusive thoughts. The ones I recognize from Harm OCD and ones from depression/anger/burnout, I'm not sure. I feel absolutely empty. I have no friends anymore, I Have no money, no car, no sense of purpose, no direction. I have ahnedonia, anger, and so forth. I can only "sleep" 2-3 hours a night. I go to bed with intrusive thoughts, feelings, etc., and I wake up with them. I stay in bed 12 hours...9 of them is me afraid to get up and go downstairs because of my harm OCD. I feel trapped in my role as a caregiver, and yet I have no idea what I would do if I wasn't doing this. I take 4-6 OTC sleeping pills each night, plus l theanine, magnesium, etc. For the past 10 years I've tried to take things in stride, but I hit a wall or something. I cannot stand the constant thoughts, I feel hopeless. No one takes my insurance. No one in my family can possibly fathom what I'm going through. I'm afraid to kill myself , and then I feel guilty because I think I should do it bc of my intrusive thoughts but can't. The past year I truly lost the rest of my mind. I think it was the trauma of dad's cancer and assuming a caregiver role, realizing I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, the Xanax and Paxil withdrawal, the misery of this world, and maybe years of repressed anger. I Don't know, I truly don't know. But wow I never thought things would be like this. I feel completely trapped, hopeless. That's all, I had to vent.

Every time I get on here every single post seems to be someone desperately brain vomiting to get some kind of closure that will never come. And all the responses are for the most part "wowww I think this too, we'll always be suffering" or something like that. In all my time with OCD, it seems like the most unhelpful thing is OCD forums. Looking at one seems to feel like you're watching the incarnation of the OCD cycle if it had a voice. I feel like if you want to get better, just learn exposure and acceptance and cutting out compulsions from a professional and try to distance yourself from the whole "culture" I guess.

Are here any christians who would be up to support one another outside this platform? I have a hard time dealing with my symptoms because I feel like I am not worthy enough and I so often feel left alone when I know that this is not the truth. I would be glad to hear from some of yall!

Im scared being near people because I’m worried i might sexually assault them or even bump in to them I’ll start overthinking like idek it just worries me a lot and I have spent a lot less time with my family it makes me sad to pull away from them and I’d rather just be asleep all day to avoid the thoughts sometimes I just cry it gets so hard and I feel horrible

So on tiktok there’s been a lot of talk being secretly gay but not knowing it. One of them is having only celebrity crushes or influencers people ‘unattainable’. I fit this in a way, I have had like one or two real life crushes. but I haven’t really interacted with guys like that. I’m not the prettiest so I haven’t really gotten make attention or really had straight guy friends before. And I usually crush on real life guys who seem kind or smart. So I’ve mostly crushed on guys that are celebrities. This has left me spiralling and worrying that I’ve just been lying to myself. I’ve always read heterosexual books about romance and have idealised that and have always wanted. Was it all fake? Was it what I thought I wanted?

This shit is ruining my life. It uproots anything that can make me happy and makes the source of my happiness the source of my distress. But aren’t they intrinsically tied anyway? I’ve been an anxious kid as long as I can remember. Constantly looking for an escape, getting into online communities I shouldn’t have way too young and constantly getting in trouble for it, linking my sense of freedom and sense of fear, but at the same time literally to scared to raise my hand in class to answer things I knew very well or to ask questions, and sitting on my hands and fidgeting while I did my work. I was a generally achey sad kid and so growing up I thought it was depression and anxiety, but as I grew up I realized I probably have autism like my younger sister who was diagnosed in the early 2010’s as a toddler for very obvious symptoms of Aspergers, plus some symptoms that mimic a long term depressive episode (I’m an American in poverty very aware of my instability and situation- makes sense) as well as symptoms mimicking BPD in my attachment style, ADHD in my thought and action patterns, and OCD throughout my life in the form of selective perfectionism, number obsession, and intrusive thoughts. When I was 12 I decided I wanted to transition from female to male- just felt more comfortable being regarded that way and it felt more me and I feel like I have this ,,, masculine air to me/my personality in general. I’ve pretty much identified as a demiguy for most of the time with some breaks here and there to explore femininity- realized femininity is for me but womanhood just wasn’t. It felt like a costume, like a detriment to have to grow up and be. But then I wonder, is that because of how poorly women are treated? Is it just internalized self hatred? I’d always had a negative relationship with my self, I was cutting myself by nine. Part of me thinks it was a release, part of me thinks I was fetishizing it, part of me thinks I wanted attention because I was having a hard time coping with split households and not being the only child. Now I just present nonbinary and the freeness makes me happy but sometimes I get hit with “I could be a normal girl if I hadn’t ruined my body and gained then lost so much weight and taken T, if I had just been kinder to my girl self I could be a happy healthy woman and live a normal life” and thoughts like that make me feel like I must not be trans but then again it’s not exactly cis to want to be a genderfuck? I have lots of siblings and I suspect I was treated in inappropriate sexual/romantic ways as a child and ever since I heard that can make people want to do the same after being abused I’ve felt terrified that I’m possibly wired like that because my mom’s dad is and abused her. I could and would absolutely never but sometimes when I have to change either of my special needs 6 y/o sibling’s diaper and I have to handle her/him genitally to wipe/apply creams and I’m terrified she’s/he’s secretly uncomfortable with it all and just won’t speak up about it and that I’m secretly traumatizing her/him. I do my best to be a good older brother and sometimes find myself in a father figure role and I’m scared of fucking up around them with such a huge age difference- accidentally touching someone in a way that makes them uncomfortable, or saying something age inappropriate that I may not realize is age inappropriate. Or that being so invested in them must mean that I’m evil and secretly a pedophile which can sometimes be followed by intrusive thoughts/visuals. It’s hell. And I want it to go away. And that’s the only way I know it’s not actually me. I hate it. It all started after my mom found messages of mine from high school from when I worked in a daycare class, where I was talking about being a depressed person in general while still having to show up for the kids every day- I told my friend I “felt like I was performing to fulfill their fantasy of me”. That I was this fake happy peppy thing around them but that when the mask was off and I could be alone I was miserable and just performing for them and that I didn’t have it in me anymore. My mom read the word fantasy and assumed the most disgusting thing and for nearly a year my mom kept me away from my younger siblings and said she didn’t trust me. I didn’t even do anything wrong but it made me hate myself and I still worry to this day that I’m secretly an evil person for wanting to help around kids and be friendly to them, I just try to do it because I know how mean people can be to them. But then sometimes I get upset with them too and then I’m like fuck maybe I’m the evil one and I shouldn’t even be around them. My boyfriend is 5’2 and 95lbs and transgender like me. Well, I’m 5’7 and 170lbs. (Down from 260 and yoyoing back up from 160 after a pretty intense bout of on again off again eating disorder induced days long starvation periods yay!) But sometimes between my body issues making me feel like a giant oafish sack of crap and my POCD issues, it’s hard for me to be attracted to him because he looks so young. He’s a great guy and the kind of person I want around me who mostly influences me to be better to myself, and he’s always kind to me. He just. As kindly as I can say it, from the perspective of my OCD brain, looks twelve. He’s very slim and fit and shorter than me. Like an athletic child. Like my little brother who plays baseball and is 14. They’re built almost the same and when I realized it made me feel disgusted with myself. But my boyfriend didn’t pick to be that size and has an eating disorder of his own that makes it hard from him to stomach eating the amount of food that would make him gain weight! So it’s not fair for my brain to pick on him for it. Which makes me feel even worse for thinking the thoughts in the first place. But it all comes back around to make me question my attraction to him. When we have sex I can’t get into the moment and all I can think about is how huge I am and how small he is and how gross it is that I’m attracted to him and how if I feel gross being attracted to him then maybe I’m not and I just need to accept it and break up with him, but am I really gonna throw away the kindest person I’ve ever met who would do anything to make my life better and easier and happier because *checks notes* at this stage in his life he hasn’t gained the weight he wants to because he’s struggling to eat enough and I’m too blinded by my own mental health struggles to regard that issue as an issue bigger than my own? Especially he’s done everything in his power to treat me like a princess and make me happy for a YEAR and at the start of that year I was 240lb and he’s loved me through every incarnation of myself meanwhile all my brain has done is relentlessly pick him apart as my partner? It makes me feel fucking awful. I hate myself for it. The struggle with my attraction to him makes me wonder if I’m actually attracted to women and not him at all. I’ve always been into women and somewhat men but less so after some bad male relationships in high school. But I got with him because we very much share life experiences and goals and he understands me well. But sometimes I’m like maybe that’s just a best friend and I shouldn’t be trying to keep having a sexual relationship with him? But also some of my issues with him surround his childishness and I have to remind myself that’s why I love him and that I should be thankful that he wasn’t forced to grow up so soon. But I relate to so much of womanhood in ways he doesn’t as a more binary trans person that it makes me question the longevity of the relationship. He says he wants to be and do and provide for me but right now it feels like I’m using all my older brothering experience to manbaby and let him be happy while I struggle mentally. I.e. having driven him to work for the last year while he gets his license, him not having a credit card yet and me having to organize the travel to do so if he chooses to, then likely having to coach him on how to use it, and the fact that I had to ask him to make a savings account because he didn’t have one, about 6 months into dating. I want him to do the growing up because I hope it makes the thoughts of wanting to be dating a more independent financially informed self care focused woman go away. Gender isn’t all the difference it’s made out to be anyway and I’m honestly not sure why I’m convinced that being with a pretty girl would solve all my problems and give me hope for life. she’ll end up wanting a family and I don’t think I want kids because of the financial state of the world, or she could end up changing her gender and in that case, would I be left with another sexuality crisis all over again? Plus, any type of girl I could possibly get along with is very likely come to understand themself as non-binary as time passes, as most of my friends who used to be female have seemed to, and then I would be back at square one, wanting a girlfriend who somehow has a desire to fit into the standards of feminine beauty that even I decided where to rigorous to even try to adhere to. And then the desire for that as if it would fix everything for me while I have a boyfriend, and knowing what I know about gender, makes me hate myself. I definitely think my eating disorder plays into this big time. It causes me to be dissatisfied with myself if I don’t listen to it and to nitpick other if they’re not tough on themselves about self discipline and being better too. All of it makes me feel awful. I just want it to stop. I’ll chronicle my journey in further posts. If any of this rings bells back to your own experience please comment anything you may feel relevant.

Hi, I am new to the platform. I am 17 years old and diagnosed with OCD. I’m pretty sure my actual diagnosis is High functioning, and it’s all pretty new. I’ve been diagnosed for a few years now. I was diagnosed in the hospital after an attempt on my life. I struggle with intrusive thoughts, they can sometimes be extremely inappropriate, painful, or suicidal and homicidal. I feel like I’m a bad person a lot of the times because of them. I grew up very religious and fight with these thoughts constantly. It’s very hard because I have like the ultimate goal to be kind. And these thoughts really hit my self-esteem and worth. I’m looking to find help, and coping. I go to therapy, but it isn’t specific for OCD, and I am embarrassed to really say some of the intrusive thoughts I have out loud. Anyways, just thought I’d share. Thank you.

It doesn't even make sense. I've never been aroused by men, but I can't do this anymore. OCD... or whatever this is, has won. I've lost who I am and ive lost all hope of ever finding myself again. I feel like a horrible fraud who's tricked their wife into having this life. I don't want to go. I want to grow old with her and see my kids grow up but I can't deal with this pain I'm feeling, the shame and the hurt. I genuinely just want to disappear. I'm seriously planning on just living out in some castle ruin or something, away from everyone. I'm no good to anyone anyway like this. I hate that my life has come to this but I don't see any other option.