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I can’t find anyone that can help me and I feel hopeless

Hoping to find others that suffer with similar issues.

I had another OCD dream related to the death of a loved one and I’ve been in bed for 6 hours ruminating or trying to neutralize my thoughts and anxieties. I want to get out of bed but I feel so. Stuck. I know I can do it but it feels like I can’t! My brain thinks it can solve the puzzle but now I know that’s a lie. But it still feels so hard!!!

Hey everyone, I'm facing a challenging situation where my dreams of studying medicine abroad are unraveling due to the relentless grip of 3 years of suffering with OCD, specifically centered around philosophical and existential questions. I've always wanted to practice medicine and I've gone through absolute hell to get there and now that I'm here due to the nature of these repetitive intrusive thoughts that take up most of my day I end up failing classes and retaking semesters and the idea of dropping out because of this is like spitting in the face of my parents as they have worked so hard to get me to where I am as they are immigrants to the country there is an extra expectation for me to excel. To complicate matters, my deeply religious parents are unaware that I no longer believe in a deity. When I shared my doubts with them, they reacted strongly, intensifying the pressure I feel. In an attempt to quell intrusive thoughts, I've developed compulsive habits that may be making things worse. I find myself extensively writing about arguments against theism, engaging in live debates, debating people in comment sections, and mentally rehearsing arguments whenever religious topics arise. I even contemplate sharing a massive journal explaining why I no longer believe with my religious parents. These habits, while momentarily comforting, contribute to a strong sense of depersonalization and paralysing dread everyday especially when I wake up. These intrusive thoughts and constant replaying of arguments in my head are affecting every aspect of my life, from my academic pursuits to my relationships and mental well-being. I'm currently studying medicine abroad, and the pressure to excel is immense, but the OCD is taking a toll on my academic performance. Financial constraints make it difficult to seek therapy, and I feel trapped between the fear of being true to myself and the potential fallout from coming out to my parents due to the confessional nature of my OCD. I'm seeking advice on whether unfollowing said debate pages and stopping completely in these compulsive behaviors are engaging in avoiding the problem or if there are healthier ways to cope. Has anyone faced similar challenges and found effective strategies to break free from these cycles? Here are some of the things I worry about / do. - Persistent worry about OCD negatively impacting life - Concerns about ongoing depersonalization - Urgency to confess for reassurance - Fear of disownment over personal beliefs - Constant review of arguments due to anxiety - Maintaining a facade to keep peace - Lifelong pretense, walking on eggshells with parents - Anxiety about financial support for studies - Struggling with imposter syndrome - Difficulty maintaining stable relationships - Compulsively watching debates on religion - Desire to confess non-belief despite consequences - Anxiety over academic performance decline - Overwhelming family expectations - Doubts about enjoying my degree . - Fears of not surviving mental anguish - Ruminating on irrelevant thoughts, lacking presence - Morning anxiety like PTSD flashbacks due to OCD - Constantly jotting down thoughts for certainty - Feeling trapped in a repetitive daily loop - Perceived threat from people, feeling internally flawed - Yearning for life before current struggles - Increased argumentativeness to fuel compulsive behaviors. Any insights or recommendations would be immensely valuable. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Hi, I'm writing this just to see if someone else can relate. I've always been very confused by the difference between regular therapy and ocd therapy. What I mean is that, at least in my limited experience, regular therapy involved examining your feelings and thoughts (why you had them) and I was told that you can only process something by getting to the root of it. However, since I developed ocd and was diagnosed with it, therapy has been about tolerating anxiety, guilt, fear, sadness, etc., while forcing myself to not analyse the thoughts and feelings that I have. I feel very weird about this. It's like I went from "everything you think and feel has a reason (i am not talking here about fleeting thoughts and emotions, I am talking about recurrent and persistent ones) to "whatever feeling or thought you are having is not who you are and you should just observe it and not get involved with it". Am I the only one who is so confused by this? Also, if I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings, and I am not my sensations, who am I then? I mean, what is supposed to define me? I know some people say "your values" in response to this, but values are thoughts as well, and they can change over time, so, I don't think that this makes anything any clearer. Others say that it is our actions that define us. I can agree with that, but aren't our actions based on our thoughts and feelings? Anyway, I am not saying that therapy for ocd is ineffective, I am actually finding it very helpful, however I am still very confused about many aspects of it. I hoped that some of you could help me understand it better. Thanks. I wish you all a good day.

I had surgery a month ago and it re-triggered my heath anxiety really really bad. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about having heart attacks, blood clots or dying and it’s starting to feel really unmanageable again. This has happened before where I would go to the hospital a lot and was basically agoraphobic because I needed to be near a hospital and was afraid to leave the house. I’ve been having a lot of compulsions lately too through checking. I have a blood pressure machine and a pulsometer, and it’s gotten bad again to the point where I need to have them with me all the time and check my vitals regularly. It’s exhausting :/ I’ve been off my Prozac for 3 years now and really don’t want to go back on but I’m starting to think I won’t have a choice.

So this recent situation I’ve been having and it’s really scary and almost doesn’t feel real that I would be able to think this. So I’ve been with my partner for over 4 years now and recently I kinda got into some trouble that been super stressful and the last week on Saturday or Friday night i had a terrible dream or “thought” that I stabbed my partner and since that day it’s been an on going thing and at the slight thought of it my heart shoots up and I just get into a intense panic and I’ll have to convince myself it’s just a thought and I wouldn’t ever do it and we recently got engaged and she’s my world and has been my saving grace for every situation I got myself in (I have hobby’s of racing cars and motorcycles and a year ago I got into a motorcycle accident that put me in almost a month long coma and got a severe tbi due to it) and she’s been there through every step of the way with that and I just couldn’t fathom as to why I would even have that thought and why all of a sudden I’m a nervous wreck when I have never been the super panic type or anything. Had history of depression and anxiety but nothing to this degree. Also I’ve never had recurring thoughts that just slammed out of nowhere and got stuck for days. Unless it was with a car or motorcycle or something impulsive where it would give me gratification and this is none of those areas I feel deep remorse and guilt for even having those thoughts. She’s soon to be my wife I just engaged to her and I cannot believe this is even a thing to happen to me.. just in a panic and not sure what’s going on.

So I’m praying for something to happen and I keep praying it. Do any of you feel that God said no to your prayer even though it only came as a form as an OCD thought and it wasn’t actually him? And does it give you anxiety and stress? I speak to a pastor about this and he says that it’s just me and it’s not him

So confused how I can go from feeling this strong sense of “Nothing can happen to my husband, he needs to be safe, I’d never fall in love again or find a better man if something happened to him, we have to grow old together.” (For months!) to suddenly feeling “I’m not attracted to him, oh no my friends’ partners at this cabin retreat are more attractive than him, oh no everyone agrees they’re super attractive, no one said anything about him, maybe we’re going to split up one day because I don’t feel attracted enough to his personality and physicality and maybe that’s why I have vaginismus.” Trying to ride out the wave and figure out what my values are telling me. I know everyone goes through less attracted periods (this one literally started in the car on the way to the cabin so it’s been two days and a half but my brain is thinking such DIRE and depressing thoughts constantly). Anyone have any helpful resources they might recommend? I really wish my attraction wouldn’t unplug like a cord. It seems to be very triggered by public settings with comparison to super cute and happy couples and/ or by my own feelings of boredom with more nerdy topics he discusses with friends.

My OCD began to flare up in my adolescence. It mostly stemmed from a tendency for perfectionism. I’m now 60 years old. Eventually, my symptoms developed into ritualized touching, tapping, and movement. For example, I would have to perform certain activities, such as getting dressed, in symmetrical or specific ways and touching or moving objects, as well as handwriting and typing, in a particular way or a specific number of times until it felt just right. I began seeing psychiatrists 35 years ago and have taken antidepressants since then. I’ve also worked with a clinical psychologist who specializes in OCD and worked with me in doing ERP. My symptoms have flared up since the holidays. I’m wondering if anyone else is dealing with movement and touching compulsions. I look forward to your comments. Thank you!

I have been having memory obsessions a ton lately and like I once had an image of hurting somebody but I know that this would’ve been somewhere in 2023. But ever since I got over the fear to have hurt them there, I then keep getting fears related to his image and thinking „but what if I had hurt them way earlier?“. Like just now I was recalling the vacation I was on in 2022. I already had ocd there. And like suddenly I got scared „what if I had hurt the person while I was on vacation there?“ bc I was in the same room as them there. Not the exact same one, there was a door in between bc the room had a a room with a big bed too but I was sleeping on the couch. But now I keep thinking „but what if I was alone with them and then hurt them in this way and just forgot doing that?“, but no matter how much I think, I can remember almost everything from the vacation and being in that room. I also know I once was in the room with the bigger bed. But I can’t recall being alone there. I was always there with my sister. She was often around the other person, I was barely around them and especially not alone. And like the person was always with my parents so there basically are no occasions that I could’ve been the only one around them. But I keep thinking „but what if I just forgot this?“, but the image that I had a while ago doesn’t even match the hotel room. And like this has happened multiple times already. Just constantly me thinking „but what if I did this here or way longer ago?“, but there are simply no occasions this could’ve happened. And wouldn’t I at least have some memory to doing this since I seem to have a ton of other memories? And now I’m scared that the images are suddenly memories but I never remembered this and I also don’t have any actual clear picture of that just the old image that I always have.

I will preface this by saying I understand the goal is to not get rid of the thoughts but instead learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings. But the thoughts/feelings/urges are getting worse. It’s to the point where it feels like I either want this or that there’s no way around it. I’m starting to feel like I’m not inside my body which is making it even scarier. I cannot even describe the amount of fear I feel right now. I am absolutely terrified. It feels like I’m about to snap at any moment and I just want to tie myself down. On top of this, because I'm having this experience, it feels like I need to be locked away. It feels like reality is slipping away. Please give me any advice you have. Logically I know all of this is just a thought but I cannot get over it.

Hello everyone 🙂 I usually struggle with POCD/HOCD This is my first time dealing with relationship OCD And it’s different intrusive thoughts and anxiety and shame that goes with it. I I’m very happily married for 16 years and I love my husband more than anything itself He’s my best friend and there’s nothing that I don’t keep from him EVER! I’m not the type of person that looks for attention. I’m very quiet, and I keep to myself recently I went out to eat, and the waiter in the restaurant flirted it with me. And he gave me a couple compliments nothing serious. He made a comment about my hair, and that was it. I never put myself in situations for things like that can happen because I love and respect my husband so much that even the thought of somebody talking to me, I feel obligated to tell him, because I myself consider that a form of cheating if you don’t relate what your day was like to your partner. The whole interaction with the waiter I didn’t even think about it twice until I got home that evening and I’m in my head thinking about my day and so on , that night I had a thought what if he came up to me and flirted because I somehow made him think that I wanted him to, and that’s when the anxiety and the fear and the shame kicked in the next day, I was an OCD intrusive thought mode all day long I couldn’t sleep or eat that day. Obviously, my husband noticed there was something bothering me so I told him everything that happened and I even told him that I would never do anything like that I would never cheat on him. I would never put myself or my relationship and my family in a position where I could lose them or lose him that’s not who I am I value my marriage, and if you knew my husband, you would understand why he’s the best man I’ve ever met in my whole life. I felt so relieved to tell him my husband also struggles with OCD, but his is different from mine. He does rituals and compulsions, and he doesn’t really share light on his intrusive thoughts I myself am more forward with it and I don’t like to keep things inside of me, I don’t have many friends so I rely on my husband for a lot of support He was super understanding about it, and just said well who cares I told him that I wasn’t going to that restaurant anymore and we left it at that. the problem with it I guess is I have to drive through the restaurant area on my way home cause it’s close by to where I live so I don’t know if it’s the restaurant itself that’s triggering my OCD or the fact that I think that I put myself in that position which I know I didn’t all I did was want to order a pizza. In my head, and my intrusive thoughts are telling me that I’m a cheater, and I somehow wanna cheat which I don’t. I’ve never had this problem before with my OCD. this week I found a new way of taking shortcuts, so I don’t have to drive through there anymore, but even that’s triggering me. When the whole situation with the waiter happened when he gave me the compliments all I said was thank you and I left. so I don’t know how my thoughts went from 0 to 1000 it’s literally playing out like a movie in my head. If I cheat it this would happen I would lose everything I would lose my husband I wouldn’t be able to look at him or face him it’s all those feelings combined into one. It literally makes me nauseous to even think that I would do something like that to him or anyone. Yesterday, my husband told me he was leaving town for two days for business and my anxiety kicked in full gear. I thought if he’s leaving, maybe he’s watching to see if I’ll do something crazy or cheat in the whole thought process started all over again. Which I know he doesn’t think that I truly believe my husband knows how much I love him and respect him But you know once OCD starts with one thought it gets out of hand and it’s like a movie and then those that scare you for even having the original thoughts I just don’t know what to do at this point with the thought and I’m starting the thing is this part of my character do I want something like this to happen or is it my OCD? Has anyone ever felt like this like that with something like this? Any advice or support would be great

I deal with fear of death now and in this pain i noticed, suicidal ocd is there too. Christians just say dont be afraid of death cause im heaven everything will be better, you will be with Jesus, and they say dont be afraid of leaving your loved ones cause God will take care of them... When i dealt with suicidal ocd, what made me feel good was that i knew i will not do it cause i love me family and i dont want them to suffer, and i developed more respect for this life so when i hear "In heaven everything will be better" triggers me with fear and anger. Cause when i dealt with suicidal ocd, it gave me thoughts like "do it cause you will go to heaven, you will escape from the pain, you will be with Jesus, He will forgive you"... the last part got triggered in me when i heard that suicide is not an unforgivable sin, so you might go to heaven, so thats like you choose the easy way out and you still go to heaven... then the one thing that helped me was that im not in danger cause i wont do it cause i love my family and they wouldnt be able to go through that(this is still suicidal ocd, just saying i didnt planned or something) and then i read to lose the fear of death, and leaving your family with pain you have to know that God will be there with them, bumm this hit me again, so now this contradicts it, in one they say dont do it cause its painful to your family, and the other side they say dont be afraid of death cause God is with your family... everytime i try to work on my fear of death and suffering, my fear of suicide grows... Im afraid that when i will be in so much pain, i will get hit by these thoughts that in heaven we wont suffer, do it cause you will get there, God will protect your family from pain"... i just cant lose these fear, at this moment im dealing with the fear of suffering and death... fear of pain and everything horrible but the things i find on the net that should help me grows suicidal ocd... this is a reaccuring cycle

does anyone ever feel really guilty about having thoughts of offing yourself. i try to not let it get to me. but if im sitting with my family i feel so guilty even though im not going to do it. i’ve had such immense anxiety in the past from it and i ran to my mom in the middle of the night and made her sleep with me because i was so scared. i feel like now when i don’t go to them and don’t tell them how im feeling i feel like i don’t care anymore and im not anxious and that causes me even more anxiety. i have the thoughts of am i happy? do i want to die? and what if i did this? omg you just thought that you’re suicidal. you want to die. and i freak out and i feel so alone because i feel like if i go to my parents for reassurance again the cycle will get worse but if i don’t go to my parents about it my ocd tells me that im just accepting the fact im going to do it now because im not seeking reassurance. i always have these thoughts that oh you’re just using ocd as a way to cope w the fact youre suicidal and i don’t know what is real and what isn’t someone help.

I had a relapse in August of last year with my OCD (extreme intrusive thought). I was off my medication; I went off of it in March of last year. I got back on my medication on August 19, and I’m just curious if anyone here been on medication, done therapy, and had complete Remission from OCD intrusive thought? I look back to several years ago, and I feel like if I had intrusive thought I dismissed it immediately. Has anyone gone for years without intrusive thought? 

I have an extremely overwhelming phobia of the germs of other people's mouth germs entering my mouth. I have a phobia of mold as well and the last time mold touched my skin I washed my hands over and over again until they were bleeding and I kept washing them even after that. I essentially took layers off my skin from how hot the water was and the aggressive scrubbing. I quit the place I worked, where it happened, that very week bc of it. I can't imagine what would happen if this happened with my mouth phobia and if I'd be able to even eat after loosing myself like that. Examples are sharing straws, sharing cups that hasn't been washed since someone used it, kissing or placing my mouth on something someone else may have placed their mouth on. I originally thought this stemed from a traumatic experience where I was essentially kidnapped for an entire day and half a night when I was 7 years old by my 16 year old neighbor. He locked me in his shed and wouldn't let me out unless I kissed him. I came home crying and my parents, specifically my mom, always invalidated my feelings, told me to stop over reacting or to get over it. I told them immediately and my mom said, "oh I didn't even know you were gone." This hurt because it instantly felt like she didn't care and her first reaction was her reassuring me that she doesn't care what happens to me. My dad went over, the neighbor immediately admitted to it and was forced to come over to our house and apologize. That was it. Nobody asked if I was okay, nobody asked if I wanted to talk about it. It was slid off like it was just something that happens. My that day forward I've had this phobia. It's only gotten worse as time goes on. To the point that I don't really share straws with anyone. The only person I will kiss is my spouse (obviously) but I don't think if I ever had kids I will kiss them or share food / drinks with them. About 5 years ago I was just dating my now husband. I didn't even start sharing straws with him until we got married I think. But, we were at a restaurant with my roommates and their boyfriends. They all knew I had this phobia. None of them knew I had OCD as it's completely misunderstood and even after years of trying to explain it to my spouse, he still doesn't get it. I went to the bathroom and one of my roommates decided to take a sip of my drink out of my straw. Which is easily the hugest no to me. She even announced it to the table, "Hey you guys I'm going to take a Sip out of her drink, haha it will be so funny don't tell her don't tell her" Everyone told her not to but she did it anyways and again said, "She's not even going to notice and we can ethier not tell her or tell her in a week and she will see she is fine!" I came back to the table and her boyfriend and my boyfriend immediately told me. I felt like I was going to black out and tried to stay with reality as much as I could. Luckily I hadn't taken a sip and I asked her if she really would do that to me. (At this point she had already tried to cheat on her bf with my bf and my bf said no so I didn't really consider her a good friend anyways) and she admitted it with a smile. I asked, " I respect you enough to not cross your boundaries. This is my boundary and you crossed it. Are you going to do this again?" She said, "I don't care about boundaries. You can get over it." So I raise my fist and asked, "Yeah? You don't care about boundaries? You wouldn't care if I beat the shit out of you and you'll get over it?" She looked at really scared and said, "No no no I won't I'm sorry." And my boyfriend pulled me back. Idk what happened and I still feel bad for it bc it's like I left my body in that moment and went into full protection mode. She ended up leaving our table and sitting at another table with a family and they kept asking her to leave the table. But she was kind of crazy like that. 😭 Over the years tho this has developed more and more and I fear it's going to get to the point where I no longer kiss my spouse as I generally avoid kissing him for this very reason.

I was able to see behind the emotions and i remember that my problem started when i felt like i question God's trust. I noticed it too when everytime i had to sing a christian music where "trusting in God" was mentioned, i felt like i dont actually fully trust in Him, and i felt guilt that im not an actual christian, it went to a huge guilt and then everytime i heard about trust i felt anger. Ofcourse trying at first to see whats the problem wasnt effective, cause i thought theres a deeper problem, for me alot of times seeing the problem deeply just makes things worse cause i feel like i just follow the emotions, like seeing the deeper real problem just makes me lost and then depressed or i panic more and more cause i get lost in the rabbit hole... But now i was able to kinda see where it started. And i saw that when things get really bad, and i dont mean a little mistake, no, i mean illness, pain, suffering and all that, i get lost in it and then i feel like the things i have in my mind like "trust the Lord, He is trustworthy, He will help you" it doesn't really match with the reality im in. And then i have thoughts of questioning God, idk if these are really me or ocd but i dont like them, but at the same time i do feel like the two things doesnt really match. I read about this alot, what to do when it seems like God wont help you, but i dont like the answers, i think people just made these up to not suffer... some say accept that its for the greater good or its God's will, and it hurts me the most but can't accept that my death or the death of someone else in my family would help someone that i dont even know... If God is really love i dont think He would ever do that to any of His children... Imagine parents who leaves one of their child home alone just to take the other one somewhere cause "its best for the greater good". Of course the child will feel hurt and angry at the parents. Idk i have this in me that okay you can use my suffering to help others if it makes me stronger and i can help others. But to suffer and die, it doesnt makes me stronger, and it hurts my family too, and i want to live, i have many plans for my life. So if it would be taken away i would be sad and angry... This also makes me feel bad about myself cause then i remember that my life is not mine and im afraid that im rebelling against God, but i do not like this christian view that you have to throw away your life, you have to give it to God, its not yours, every bad thing that happen its because God allowed it for a greater good and you have to accept it cause this life is a test and in heaven you will be rewarded if you go through this... idk if you feel the same but this makes you not even try in this life. Like whatever... im focused on heaven... you can see this everywhere on the christian social medias. I dont like it, i think the "Give it to God" like do not worry so much about your things cause worry makes you not be aware and able to deal with the problem. Just accepting that im dying cause got thinks its best for others makes me depressed and more angry... i still dont know why He still allows suffering, like when its bc of sin its normal, but many times suffering can even come without sin, you can do everything good and it still comes... It really hurts me to think that i dont trust God, and it makes me feem guilt and depressed... i want to see it as an ocd problem but everytime a great suffering comes i just feel like what i learned about God doesnt match with the reality... I always want to learn more and more and be greater than i am today, but people scare me when they say this is what satan wanted too... I get lost in this and then i dont see whats the real problem, and i dont want to accept that i dont trust in God. When i try to work with this i always feel that its not possible, we are humans and we will always feel that we cant trust God, and im afraid i will never be able to go through this...

Please someone help me i dont want to leave my bed i feel so worthless. I hate my life so much i really do. After what happened last night (my setback) i feel absolutely haunted with my thoughts flooding in. I wonder what is the point in living anymore.

Have you had nights where you didnt sleep completely because of the hocd ? I didnt sleep the whole night yesterday 💔