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i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person

I have this issue that I need help with and I would like to hear if anyone else has gone through something like this along with any tips. A few months back I had what was arguably my worst OCD episode in my whole life, it lasted a whole week, in this week I felt nothing but constant anxiety and obsession over this thought, it was like nothing in life mattered except this thought and that lead me to really become disconnected from what’s around me and become so occupied in my own head. After this week, I felt extremely numb and disconnected from myself and my identity which lead me to go down a spiral of disconnection and I had a lot of nostalgic sadness due to thinking “I miss the old days when things were so simple and I didn’t have severe ocd” and this caused me to become very sick of ocd thoughts to the point of suppressing them. Now it’s been quite some time and I have become much calmer but I still feel 2 main things from this extremely bad OCD episode that have stuck with me. 1) I feel extremely disconnected from my identity, my thoughts and emotions, I cannot name my emotions nor embrace them anymore and I can’t think straight (brain fog). 2) that sense of continuous background anxiety that I experienced in that week in my bad OCD episode has stuck with me and now I feel that anxiety all the time for no particular reason along with feeling dull, sad and disconnected. I feel like I have unresolved emotions and experiences from all this but at the same time I feel like I can’t point out anything specific that is causing me to feel this way. I have searched up symptoms for generalised anxiety disorder because of my continuous anxiety but I do not seem to match any of the symptoms, in fact I currently never feel anxious about anything except things related to my bad OCD episode. Please do not hesitate to leave any helpful comments if you have any :) and thank you in advance.

I don’t even know what to think or do anymore. I just think my fears are true and I’m in denial about it. I’ve been struggling with school and motivation for awhile now. My parents and family are amazing and have been paying for my education and I keep messing up. I am super lazy and I miss lectures, and I keep always telling myself I’m going to do better and end up barely passing at the end of the semester. I know we aren’t our thoughts but we are our actions and I feel like I choose to live content with being a burden and selfish. The fact that I choose to listen to the thoughts in my head and do compulsions shows that I really don’t care about being better because if I did I would just do it. I always keep thinking at this point that the morals that I had before OCD 3 years ago are gone. I keep questioning if I am not acting on the thoughts because that is my values and who I am or if I am just not acting on them because of luck. I don’t know if I am not acting on them because of how I feel rather than how acting on them would harm others. I am just so weak, and I don’t know if I deserve to live the rest of my life. And I feel so fucking guilty for saying this but there are times where I think about all of this and it doesn’t motivate me to change at all and I just can’t stand myself for that. I just feel like a sociopath who is constantly whining and complaining and screwing up. I used to feel like I did compulsions because I cared about protecting people and now I just think my compulsions are centered around my own selfishness and anxiety. It’s like there are times where I’m not trying to prevent myself from doing something wrong or trying to make sure that I don’t have bad intentions which is so messed up with the thoughts that I have.

This is my last post for today because im clearly in an ocd flare being on the app so much, BUT here is my question, im sure it falls into ROCD? But when ocd makes u question if you really love someone . Do you ever get a wave of anxiety when you tell them you love them? . Like your brain is saying youre lying ! For reference im married with two kids, sometimes when my ocd is acting up and attaching to SO-OCD, or ROCD, i will tell my husband i love him and get like a hot flash internally. just curious if anyone has experienced similar, its really not new for me but every once in a while it will bother me more than it should

I know i posted alot in the past 24 hours, but i didnt got any replies to those posts, and now this is like an update to those so i can share what i experienced, maybe i help others and maybe others who went through this can give me advice. I realized my interpretation is really bad and videos sometimes harms that cause everywhere you hear working on your deep problems, maybe a trauma is there or youre depressed, another mental health problem and i was afraid od this years that im depressed, i have trauma or something, im actually suicidal, i could go there to be the same mindset as a suicidal person and in conclusion, im not different thab others, i can have the same problem, and this is a huge fear for me. Usually i use as a reassurance that im not like that, everyone is different, but it doesnt help cause i do realize i just say it to not be afraid of it. Which discribes my whole problem. Im afraid to experience emotions or certain thoughts cause in that deep pain or struggling i will think that its me, im that person, if i experience a hopeless thought or i want to escape from pain and even die, in that moment i will see it as this is me, and trying to see them as just thoughts it would be hard and what always happens is that i feel like if i say its not me i do it to avoid it. Its basic ocd but you know that feeling, what if im really avoiding accepting it cause im afraid to say its a real problem and i dont want to see myself as a person having that problem. So my interpretation of thoughts and emotions is really bad...when i experience a really bad emotion or thought i think "its because maybe im depressed, i have trauma, or i do believe that im actually suicidal or i can become that" and im just spinning and cant deal with the real problem. Sometimes im even afraid to say theres a real problem cause i start to panic. I noticed im afraid to experience a difficult experience, and i thought its because i get hopeless and then i think im suicidal, but its not hopelessness is what i feel, its actually panic, im panicking cause my mind says "this situation might be hopeless, i dont want to feel hopeless, we need to find the solution quick" and the same time im struggling accepting if i have to accept that i feel hopeless or not... its totally broke(my interpretation of things). I easily get lost by these thoughts that what i experience is because im avoiding depression, im avoiding a trauma and this is how it gets outside, or that im actually suicidal but i just use fake positivity by thinking its ocd and not me, and when i have a problem its because i dont work on these, i avoid them, i say its ocd when its not. It will be hard work to change these, expecially that i still feel like if i dont accept these as real problems im still avoiding them. Im still afraid of experiencing strong emotions and thoughts cause i still get lost in them and i misinterpet whats the real problem, and i think the real problem is that i didnt learned how to handle thoughts and emotions, thats why i believe those that are strong, like strong nevative ones.

It starts off with thinking you’ve done something wrong but it’s hazy it doesn’t say what but it fits with what you’re afraid of. It then starts adding pictures and scenarios and they start to become more and more detailed until you don’t know what’s real or not anymore. I’ve struggled with this for almost 15 years of the same false memories occasionally adding more details. Has anyone else had this experience of false memories becoming so detailed it’s hard to argue against?

I’ve been terrible for the past two days now and it feels so real that it can’t possibly be ocd. It feels like I want nothing to do with my bf or men in general and want to be with a woman. I’m so sad and anxious, whenever I get a text message from my bf I get a pit in my stomach because it feels like it’s the end of our relationship after spending years growing and loving each other… I’m so sick of feeling this way I just want to be better but it feels like it’s not possible.

I am generally optimistic about my OCD recovery but today I am feeling very hopeless. It feels like I may never recover from it and that it’s a life long punishment.

Just now I was thinking of all the times I was at my sisters kindergarten and after proving that I haven’t done anything inappropriate there I suddenly remembered when in November there also was some event there and I had to walk somewhere different to go to the toilet. And now my brain keeps bothering me with the thought „what if you graped sb on the way there and forgot?“ and like, this is abt last November. And I know for 100000% sure I hadn’t. I remember my entire way there, I even remember details abt people being around some water fountain and lighting candles. Like I remember everything. And there were people all around me too. I remember using my phone after using the toilet too. And I remember I was also going for a walk and my brain keeps being like „but what if I graped somebody on the way there?“ and like, I remember almost the entire walk I went on. I also remember seeing two people and an old couple talking and listening to music. It doesn’t make any sense and ik I’d def remember if I had actually graped somebody but my brain won’t leave me alone I just can’t keep false memory ocd up I hate it all so much. Whenever I’m like „I gotta stop thinking abt it, I KNOW I didn’t do anything.“ my brain goes like „but what if I’m risking the change of it being true in the end? And am ignoring it?“ but I KNOWWW it’s not true 😭 But the thought keeps bothering

I’m really struggling with my ocd right now. I feel like I’m unhappy in my relationship and all I do is get frustrated. I’m questioning everything about my relationship and I’m worried I’m going to ruin everything.

But anyone else have a bit if misophonia? Frustration with noises, I know it can depend on different things and possibly different conditions. If you have any tips, feel free to share

I had an intrusive thought saying I want to let these feelings for my dad as in sexual an dormant if and just to feel them but I don’t want to so I don’t know why my brain is saying that now I’m scared that I actually do have feelings for my dad that aren’t intrusive thoughts. Help!

Does anyone have coping skills for being stuck in a loop with suicidal thoughts. I'm really struggling and I just went to get out of this loop I don't know why this is happening and it's like constant and I think "omg what if I do because I'm thinking it" please help.

Im currently trying to heal from my ROCD and im really struggling right now. I just had to stop taking Lexapro 3 days ago and its really freaking me out. My ROCD got bad about a month ago and it was one of the most painful things i’ve been through and when it started I wasnt taking anything. After a few days of suffering I went on Lexapro and everything improved from there but now I have to get off of it and im terrified. I feel myself spiraling and I know its not good for me but im so scared things are going to get bad again. I know spiraling is like a compulsion and a defense mechanism but idk anymore. Things have been getting better recently and now im starting to doubt myself and the obsessive thoughts are coming back, they are not bad as before but still. I feel so overwhelmed and confused

Does anyone ever see very triggering stories on the news of something terrible and somehow your mind tricks you into thinking that you are also capable of those acts? I know I would NEVER but somehow my mind groups me into that category and it’s so scary and triggering. I wish I could just let these thoughts pass by but it’s almost like I’m constantly trying to prove that I’m a bad person. I’m sad and tired of this 😭

Today I watched a podcast that I thought would help me with HOCD but actually stressed me out even more. I can’t stop overthinking things I did in the past, how I didn’t mind it or stop it, analyzing past thoughts that could be “signs”, and convincing myself that I am in denial. I even have thoughts that if I just accept this then everything will be okay however when I get that thought I get scared because I have a girlfriend I truly love, even though I’m confused with my feelings and emotions I know that I’ve always loved her. I’m extremely scared that I’ll end up just finding out I’m gay and it’s almost like I already know the answer but won’t admit it. I really don’t know how else to explain it but it’s causing a lot of sadness and stress. Is this common for anyone else out there?

SO this is a tough one. A while ago I was doing the laundry and I stumbled across my older son's underwear and they had stains on them and out of curiosity I wanted to smell how bad they were, they were gross. Later on I started questioning my self, I then got my younger son's to check and to see if this was some weird fetish and everything was ok. But recently it's come back and I can't stop doing it, it's not just a quick smell, I have to really smell them like the crotch area, Its not pleasurable but I feel like I have to do it to get rid of this urge but I don't even know why the urge is there. I'm terrified because this is my son and I know it's not sexual but my OCD is saying otherwise I do tend to smell everything, my hands, clothes, everything, but the underwear I'm purposely doing it over and over and I'm really worried. Please someone help, is this OCD or am I goingad

Most ppl tell me that I’m seeing reassurance when searching online but it’s rly not.. I miss wanted to understand my thoughts better. It’s so uncomfortable when my thoughts tells me sth but I don’t understand it or it’s giving me so much discomfort. I’ll go crazy from not checking . What shld I do?

I'm having intrusive traumatic memories of when someone sent a p***phile gif in a telegram group out of nowhere. I was traumatised, I saw something that shouldn't ever exist, I remember condemning him and then leaving the group. It was many years ago. I'm starting to even remember the details, it's traumatic. I wish I could erase this memory. I was a child too and I even forgot this shit happened, a lot of years passed by and I developed pocd and I've been healing from it but I'm just remembering this unsettling and disgusting event just now and I keep having flashbacks of it. I feel guilt. I understand it wasn't my fault but I wish that never happened in my only life; I got marked by this event forever, nothing changes that. How am I supposed to go on with my daily life aware of what happened? It's ingrained in my memory. How can I ever be intimate again? How am I supposed to practice erp with this fucked up stuff? I'm lost. It's too much. Others triggering memories are returning. I wish the victims are doing okay and I hope that those who are responsible, and that person who sent that stuff are burning in hell. Trust your parents when they tell not to chat with strangers at a young age. I learned the hard way and now I'm dealing with the permanent and irreversible consequences.

Hello, so my biggest problem and possibly the biggest gate from me escaping Hocd is well, false attraction. So the feelings and thoughts I get get 100 percent of the time aren't sexually(don't get groinal responses, never in my life and still to this day don't want to have sex with dudes or see them naked. Nor romantical thoughts really(il get images but I kind of identify it as,"if I liked them, I would keep it going, like I romanticize about women before hocd") but the physical feeling is what's messing me up. its like now 60 percent of dudes I see attractive now, and I dont want to be attracted to them. it just feels now like physical attraction or emotional attraction, i keep getting the urge to look at them and i feel like idk how to explain like tense or some feeling that i cant explain maybe? and what sucks is when I try to say,"its Just HOCD, you never felt like this," and now i get doubts or it feels like i did get these thoughts. I'm just asking if this is just hocd again because it feels very real, and what sucks is Ido if I have distress or anxiety feeling anymore