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Can others with suicidal ocd share some common symptoms they noticed/experience with this theme?

so, i wake up every morning feeling anxious and like i need to start ruminating. it’s like that feeling when your thoughts are jumbled and immediately start to race the second you get up. for me lately my focus has been on my rocd per my latest post. i feel like ill settle into the fact and idea that i love my girlfriend, that i like her and that i want to be in the relationship blah blah but the second i wake up the loop of doubt continues. it obviously makes me feel like im lying to myself. that im convincing myself that i have basic feelings of attraction and connection to my partner, at this point the thoughts are so loud that im beginning to believe them. it feels so hard to access my true feelings and beliefs and when i do it just feels like i have to try so so hard and that i dont even believe it! i feel like im struggling to let her in. we had a really good conversation about my rocd last night, but i still worry about being a liar, secretly just staying in the relationship and not being attracted! ugh!! you can imagine this makes me feel like i dont even have rocd or ocd. the thought/compulsion of even breaking up with her comes to mind, but i know i would just feel unhappy and think about her then too. i dont want to do that obviously but those with rocd know sometimes it feels like the only way out. (we’ve broken up before because of this) which def adds a level. though i know doing that would alleviate this anxiety/ocd source, it would just come back and form itself in different ocd themes until i got back into a relationship and then the whole loop would start over. Does anyone have any advice for how you cope with this? I do my exposures and try to accept my uncertainty and thoughts but i’m wondering if any other methods that help anyone get through these struggles.

I am constantly thinking about my breathing because if I don’t I feel like I won’t be able to breathe. I think about my heart beat because when I’m calm I worry because I think that it’s stopping. Somatic OCD is obsessively thinking about bodily functions. Am I alone? Does anyone else go through this?

I realized recently my intrusive thoughts have been adapting to be “more realistic”. I’ve now become more obsessed with my life safety, work social environment, and first true love? (Apparently I’m demiromantic and he really feels like my soulmate. I’m the one not letting us be a couple for, I think a good reason, and he respects that decision.) Point is they’re getting harder to ID as OCD, which although never stopped the intrusive thoughts, it helped me apply personal tactics I’ve learned that have alleviated some distress and prevent thought spiraling in the past. Is it possible for the thoughts to adapt like this, I can’t ID them as quick this way and get in thought spirals way too far before I realize what’s happening. I even had a spout of my classical religious OCD thoughts, began repetitively praying “Jesus” to block them out which I’m sure is a compulsion. I ended up effectively distracting myself from it, so thank God. I don’t want to go down that road again. Avoidance has been the main compulsion for the ones listed before that side tangent above, I literally was not going to my apartment for months because a neighbor had creeped me out so bad. I sorta overcame avoidance with the relationship to truthfully talk to my love, but I worry my reason for staying apart has a secret reason in this… idk. It seemed reasonable to us both? The thoughts started targeting the guy I love even more yesterday, and I knew trying to fight them would make them worse, but I really didn’t want them anywhere near that. Somehow I got to a point where instead of the worries, I could literally feel nothing. Nothing bad but also nothing good and I thought I broke my brain and almost called a mental health hotline because I was concerned I lost my emotions forever and I wanted them all back. Even the negative ones. Luckily I had the awareness to at least try the emergency anxiety medicine my doctor gave me (even though I couldn’t feel anxiety), and I think this is what broke me out of that. But now I’m worried I’ll trigger that again. I hesitate to self diagnose, but given my experience and past, I definitely have primarily obsessional OCD (pure O). I couldn’t tell any of the mental health professionals I saw before because I thought I was the only one like this and that if I said anything about the worse thoughts they’d take me away from family or… well that they would do something, disgusted by my very existence. For a while my mom was the only one I let hear some of the worse thoughts and I swore her to secrecy about them. Luckily she had experienced some intrusive thoughts (not to my level but) with her GAD and she understood enough these were distressing things I didn’t want. But yea, I’ve been through a slew of the themes in my life. My biggest being religious OCD and OCD with sexual themes (I am aroace so the lack of sexual desire was very confusing, especially at first, and I didn’t know I was or that people could be that, so I guess my core worry became that my other forms of love ie familial, friend, etc had been secretly perverted and corrupted the whole time) Ugh.

I’m having a hard time figuring out if my feelings about my romantic relationship are ROCD or true feelings. For context, me and my bf have been together for 4 years, broken up once before (about a year ago) and almost again a few weeks ago. I’ve been feeling so disconnected from him, despite his efforts to change and make things better in our relationship. I’ve also been feeling like I want to date other people, but at the same time feel like he’s it for me… is there a way to tell ROCD from regular feelings?

So I’m married, but I’ve always had these thoughts about other people. Everything feels like a romantic connection to me and I’ve tried to place it to the back of my mind. However, every time I meet someone new through my husband, I think “maybe I’m with my husband to meet my soulmate.” I’m struggling with this even more because I found out one of his work friends is interested in me and now I can’t stop thinking about said friend. I found him attractive at first, but now he consumes almost every one of my thoughts. This has happened multiple times through my relationship. I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have children together. I don’t know how to get these thoughts to stop. It has happened every relationship I’ve ever been in and I feel miserable. Even someone smiling at me in public makes me think maybe they’re the one and I made a wrong choice. It’s miserable. Please help.

I have been with my partner for over a year. I have a long history of abuse and pain, and he is my first healthy relationship. It truly feels this is the person I want to marry. Recently though, I made a new friend (male) and we’ve been talking almost daily over text. This friend is older than me and has two kids, but is single. I love our conversations, and I find myself looking forward to talking with him. I made it clear multiple times I have a boyfriend, I’ve also actively talked about my boyfriend to make sure he is super aware that I’m not being flirty, that I’m just a friendly person. He has never made a move on me or anything. Recently however, I’ve been plagued with these thoughts that I am emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, and I’ll also get intrusive thoughts about me cheating on him with this person. I don’t have any romantic or sexual feelings on this person, but then my brain is like “you sure? You do like talking to them a lot!” And then it spirals. At some points the image of us having sex has come to mind and it’s been seriously scary. I hate it so much because now I’m feeling disconnected from my own relationship because I’m too scared that I’m cheating. I of course talked about this with my partner and he was very supportive, even reassured me, but now the thoughts have gotten stronger and I am honestly scared. I’ve thought of just not texting this person anymore, or moving away (they are my neighbor), and I’ve actively avoided talking to them in person much. I’m so afraid. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I don’t want to ever lose or hurt my partner. Sometimes I worry maybe I don’t have ocd, maybe I’m just a bad person. I don’t know. I’m just scared. Any advice?

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore and i feel hopeless. i’m so uncomfortable as a girl now, i look at my body and i get extremely uncomfortable wtf? i used to love my body. i get uncomfortable when people call me a girl and by my name. there’s no way this isn’t becoming real im so sad it feels like the only way out of this is to die or become a boy. every morning i wake up feeling off? idk how to explain it but i just feel weird the second i wake up. i find no joy in anything i used to do i cant even relate to things about girls anymore. i feel so sad and i really need advice. if this is real please straight up tell me that i need to be transgender and don’t sugar coat it.

There’s times where I just wanna escape from reality . So I tried smoking marijuana and I didn’t even smoke alot . And 4 days later after smoking , I feel very odd. Like something is wrong with me and I’m worried I’m going to be stuck like this forever . I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared . I can’t sleep , I can’t relax , my whole body is tensed up. I’m afraid . I don’t know what to do anymore

Does anyone else feel scared to be around item that interfere with your thoughts? like with my OCD when a thought like “what is i stab someone” comes into my head i can’t be around knives, if they are out i have to put them away and hide them. i get so scared if my thoughts becoming reality so i have to distance myself

Has anybodys ocd presented itself like this. I sent this to my therapist, this is different then anything I've ever dealt with and I don't know how to handle this. I don't even know how to explain these thoughts. Are they statements or what.

Has anyone taken this medication for OCD? What dosage helped you feel better? Side effects?

Hi guys, do some people with ocd not take any medication ? Do you just manage it with ERP? Or do you have any supplements you use that can help instead? Thanks :)

I was Reading about pure ocd and It says that it Is not included in the dsm-5 and that the obsessive compulsive disorder in the dsm-5 has ALWAYS physical compulsions/actions. So what if this doesnt exist and I don't have ocd? I don't get It. I don't do ripetitive actions at all. I Just try to research things every second, ask for reassurance, try to solve my thoughts for hours, think about the past.

I started my OCD journey not long ago, yet for people with OCD or other forms of mental illness, not long can seem like an eternity. For me, OCD has been with me my whole life, but it wasn’t until September of 2023 that I let OCD begin running my life. I was in a constant state of fear, panic, and confusion. Thinking that every disturbing thought I had defined who I was. Thinking that every disturbing or terrifying thought meant I was going crazy or I was doomed to be this way forever. Thinking that, “there’s no medicine, no therapy, no remedy on Earth that could help me and that I was somehow different or worse than anyone else.” And you know what? I believed those thoughts….and I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t win. I have been an athlete my entire life. Played football for 17 years and was always competitive no matter what I was doing. So to me, I saw OCD and Mental Illness as something I could just…learn to beat and be rid of forever. Like the big scary boss you face at the end of a video game. But I was wrong… instead, thinking I could just be rid of OCD forever, actually spiraled into many different OCD types that made my life worse. Suicide OCD, Harm OCD, Existential OCD, and this would turn into full blown panic because I thought my mind was just going to break permanently and I’d be ruined forever. And with my competitive spirit, I constantly felt I was losing, and losing so bad you didn’t want to even try anymore. BUT! I decided that it was time to just… do something. I hated feeling this way, and for those of you that suffer alone i did or still do, you’d do literally ANYTHING to be rid of OCD. I took that statement and said, “I and going to do whatever I need to!” Now, everyone is different! And everyone will react differently to different medicines and different therapies. For me, I refused to take SSRI’s of any kind. Why? Because OCD made me believe that if I took them, only the negative side effects would take over and I would only get worse and worse. My thought pattern was, “ya, if I take this, it could change my life for the better, but what if it makes me want to commit suicide or become so depressed that it becomes my reality?” That alone, scared me so badly that I couldn’t take them because I couldn’t control how my body would react to them. If you currently take them and they work for you, I AM SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL YOU HAVE FOUND SOMETHING THAT HELPS YOU!!! I also didn’t do therapy. Why? Not becuase I didn’t believe in the miracle of ERP or other talk therapies, it is something I wanted more than anything, but couldn’t because my insurance barely covered anything and I couldn’t afford it out of pocket. And my finances was already something that I constantly worried about enough. If you are in therapy, IM PROUD OF YOU AND I PRAY IT IS HELPING YOU OVERCOME YOUR STRUGGLES!! So? What did I do? I learned. I learned. I learned. I learned and studied what OCD is, what it does to you, and how it tricks you. I learned and read many stories of those who are affected by OCD daily and I saw that I was not in fact different or broken. Am I messy? Yes! But humans are messy, and I learned to come to peace with that fact. In addition to learning about others and their stories, I also talked to people about what they did and how they learned to manage. In other words, I sought wisdom of others because I wanted to learn I wasn’t alone! I learned what was making my thoughts worse, and what made my thoughts subside. I learned that OCD is not something I’ll ever be rid of, but rather, something I need to embrace as if it is another piece of me…because it is and always will be. I learned, that while OCD cannot be cured… it can be managed! It can become quieter and you can get your life back! For the past 9 months, all I have worried about is, “what will become of me because I have this incurable illness?” And I know how afraid you feel and how lost and hopeless it can seem. I know! And so does everyone here. I just want you all to know, that you can win! You can overcome! You are stronger than what your mind wants you to think! And in the end, you will become an even better version of yourself for having faced this journey head on.

I had my first real severe OCD flare up almost two weeks ago and it scared the living crap out of me (intrusive thoughts). At the time I had no idea what it was and it was causing insane anxiety and panic attacks. After a bit of research and reaching out to numerous professionals for help with anxiety, I then learned it was OCD. I had a pretty bad week and then started to feel better. The thoughts were still there but I felt like I was learning / understanding how to just not fall victim to them. Now today, I had what I felt like was a bad day. Had what I think was a derealization type episode. Horrified it was going to turn me into someone else. I can’t even explain. I calmed down, but ever since it happened I’ve had ocd on loop about how that specific event happened and what could happen next time if it does happen again. Im truly scared for it to happen again. I was stuck in a loop for hours. Then now just all of the sudden I feel ok. Like a moment of clarity that I know what all of it was. Like I know it was the ocd. And that I’ll handle it better next time. And that I’ll be ok. But then my brain tries to tell me I have more than ocd. That I’m actually losing it. Has anyone experienced these moments before? I know people have good days and bad days but has anyone wone had days where they feel like it’s unbearable but then a couple hours later feel like you have your mind and rational back? Or should I actually be concerned there’s something else going on here? I meet with my therapist on Friday and will fill her in on all this, even though it’s only my second session with her, but just wanted to see if anyone could relate.

Hi all, I’m just coming off of a bad cold and I think my husband is sick too and I feel so much guilt around making him sick. He keeps trying to assure me it happens but, I can’t help but spiral a bit about it.

Is there a correlation between a hormone imbalance and ocd? I have low testosterone and ocd and didn't know if there may be a link between the two. I'm just trying to figure out why I have ocd, how long I've had it, and when it might have started. I've been suffering for years now but was told it was bipolar disorder (early 2000s) since I was in high school (I'm 37 now). It wasn't until this last year that I was diagnosed with ocd and never was bipolar to begin with. I still can't believe I have ocd. I always thought that those were people who panicked about germs and washed their hands way to much. I've always had bizarre and intrusive thoughts but I just thought that's the way I was. I'm just trying to figure out a link or if it's something I've had since birth.

I posted about this yesterday but I’ve felt sick about it literally all day. I was talking to my friend about a tiktoker I said was hot. They said the person looked too young. I started freaking out because I never thought of that and ended up finding the person’s age. Turns out they are 17. I’m 24. I feel like a monster. My heart has been stuck in my throat for over 24 hours. I keep going back to look at the person’s profile to see if I still think they’re attractive after knowing their age and it’s confusing/scaring me even more because when they wear makeup I feel like they only look a few years younger than me. I had nightmares all night last night. I feel like I’m not a normal person, I’m like one of those people that hit on teens online. I feel so depressed. My gf thinks I’m being ridiculous for worrying so much about this. But I’m 24 YEARS OLD and this person is 17. What is wrong with me? How could I think something like this? I’m scared that what if I didn’t stop thinking they’re attractive. I just want to sleep and cry all day. I hate myself and I feel disgusting. I just don’t know what to do.

I used to love commentary youtube in the background but now I cant watch it because it always making me spiral into epsiodes of thinking that I am being talked about in the visdeo/have done all these things the people that are being talked about in the video. I get scared that they will mention me or talk about me in the video and say that Ive done all the things theyre talking about, even though I havent. Is the ocd related