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Hello everyone, it has been a while since I used this app, because I've taken the time to really improve my OCD by myself and things have been working significantly better than before. A little context of the reason I started my recovery: I've had OCD for 13 years since I was 8 ( I'm 21 now) was raised in a dysfunctional household in which my parents got bad advice from my childhood therapists which led to me being put on medication which made my symptoms worse, led to me being instutionalized 3 times when I was 12, and almost led to an incourigibility hearing ( which backfired on my parents because the court called CPS) long story short in early January of this year I got into a brief fight with my brother which led to him getting angry and calling the police, and even though he didn't want to charge me, the cops took me in jail anyway and the courts charged me under the state with disorderly person and gave me a year probation. My time in jail really made me want to change my ways. Before my arrest, I was so scared to do anything because of my OCD and spent most of my time in my room and I occasionally worked at my towns park system. I was so lucky to be assigned by a therapist by the court who didn't want to force me on medication or give terrible advice to me. She did what no other therapist did before then, actually listened to me and had compassion. She gave me the boost to want to improve my life. Now I'm able to drive on highways without fearing death, not worry about keeping the same routine everyday, and do and try new things I have never done before, like online dating. I went on a dating app where you could find women from all over the world. Most of the matches I got were scams or not compatible, but eventually I found a wonderful girl from the country of Cambodia. I got her Instagram and eventually we fell for eachother. We now call eachother pretty much everyday for up to four hours and text all the time on how much we love each other. Now I am making plans to meet her in July and go to her friends wedding in her country. I have never been so happy but my parents do not support me and try to make me think that this is all a scam and that she's trying to take my money even though she has never asked for money and I have had multiple voice and video calls with her. Luckily her friend who is getting married boyfriend is also American so he is gonna help me and give me tips for what to do in the country later in the week. I'm so fortunate that probation gave me permission to go and visit there in the summer. So that has been my the last 2 months of my OCD recovery, I still have a lot to work on but I felt like I have conquered so much with myself even though my family doesn't even care. If you have read all of my rambling, sincerely, thank you, I could talk all day about my OCD recovery. If anyone at NOCD corporate wants me to be a spokesperson for their company or invite me to upcoming NOCD events, I would be forever grateful. I feel like as a recovering sufferer of OCD that I have a unique perspective on my OCD compared to others I have seen on this app and I would love to share with others on a Public stage Again, I thank everyone who took their time to read my rambling and good luck on your own OCD journey

I’m struggling a lot today with a theme that hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind for about a month. I’ve always had a strong morbid curiosity. In the past, if I heard about a terrible crime, I just HAD to research it (and even look at photos). It’s awful because I feel like I have contributed to the exploitation of the poor victims in their final/worst moments. I try my best to not do this anymore, and if I feel the need to satisfy some morbid curiosity, I try to watch more educational materials like documentaries instead of random people posting about such things online. But I am haunted by what I’ve seen, specifically crimes regarding children. My POCD was partially triggered by people online talking about how a specific actress posed nude for Playboy when she was like 10 years old. I looked this up out of disbelief and morbid curiosity, and unfortunately saw the photos. I think I even kept looking for them after seeing censored versions (which bothers me extensively, like who would do that?). I was absolutely horrified and sickened by what I saw and the image still haunts me to this day. It’s unbelievable that those photos are still circulating online, and have even ended up in museum exhibits and art books on Amazon. Absolutely disgusting. I feel like it doesn’t matter that I googled this (and other related cases) out of disbelief or morbid curiosity. It doesn’t matter that I was disgusted and in no way attracted to what I saw. I feel like I contributed to the victimization of these poor people and that alone makes me a p*** regardless of attraction. I’m too scared to talk about this with my current therapist as we just started our sessions together. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself senseless. I feel like a monster. My main reason for posting is that I’m not sure if this is even POCD related because it’s attached to actual events that happened. Idk, I’m sorry, I just needed to vent. Please let me know if this post is out of line and I’ll remove it. Thank you to anyone who reads this, and I’m so so sorry.

How do I know if I’m gay or it’s actually ocd?

So for backstory ive been struggling with really bad pocd for a while, and my friends wont stop triggering and its genuinely enraging me. So about a few weeks ago, me and my friends were talking about celebrity crushes. One of my celebrity crushes look alot younger, even tho hes like 33. I personally, never thought anything of it, its not like he looks like an actual child, he just looks young. For the record, im also 13, so even if he looked my age, it doesn’t mean anything. So, i brushed it off. Until, my friend had to make the joke “she likes kids haha” it genuinely made me stop in my tracks, and i was about to be sick. I told her to stop many times. She probably thought i was saying stop as i joke, so i said it a lot more aggressive. I said “____ i’m being deadass, stop. Its not fucking funny, thats not something to joke about?” she just made it worse by saying “damn why are you getting so defensive? are you hiding something?” i was about to break down in fucking tears. I have anger issues, and i didnt want to lash out on my best friend of years. So i said “can you please just not say that again? it really isnt funny man” So she took the hint, and stopped. Or so i thought. Until today, when at break time, we were outside we were playing with the fence and trying to climb it and what not. Since im in 8th grade, there’s younger grades in the school. There was an area where i didnt want to go since there was so many kids and i would probably p*ke if i went there. So i moved to the other side of the yard. But the bell rang, meaning the younger grades would be coming out. I said “___can we go touch/ climb the f-“ and before she let me finish, she said “what? the kids? you want to t—-ch them?” i was standing there like what the actual fuck is wrong with her. Why cant people just have basic respect. This is rhe part were i need your opinions, its really hard for me to control my anger, so, i “hit” her. I wouldn’t say it was a hit, just a tap on the arm that was meant to say smarten the fuck up. She had no reaction to it so i ignored her comment and went on. Ive been in recovery now, and i can feel this wave to fade. So i didnt want to take her comment to heart. Were back in class now, and were talking about stuff, and my arm is kind of on her desk. So she shoves my arm, and in a natural reflex i hit her by accident. She said “stop fucking hitting me all the time!” and at that second i was going to scream but i said “dude im sorry, its just a reflex i didnt mean to.” And she says “you know i bruise so stop, and you hit me today as well.” i genuinely didn’t remember so i said “what…when?” she obviously explained when she said the kids thing and i said “well i told you to stop fucking saying that? ____ ive asked you for weeks to stop so its a problem when i get mad when your accusing me of shit?” she said “ its a joke!! words dont mean anything” so i uh said. “A JOKE? THATS A FUCKING JOKE? SAYING IM A (P WORD) IS A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU?” her: “its a word! its joke! calm down” At that point i was utterly furious. Im pretty sure the whole class heard us and i rushed off to the washroom and started punching the walls, now my hands bruised( yay !) i was going to scream to her “DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO FIGHT WITH YOUR BRAIN? THE SECOND YOU WAKE UP AND YOUR BRAIN SAYS YOUR THIS AND YOUR THAT? NO, YOU FUCKING DONT. SO IM SORRY FOR GETTING MAD AT YOU WHEN YOUR ACCUSING ME OF STUFF THAT MY BRAIN ALREADY TELLS ME I AM.” thats aside the point tho, am i the dick? for getting mad and hitting her? i feel like i shouldn’t have. Shes very aware i have anger issues. I dont know. i feel bad, but i told her to stop NUMEROUS times, its not a funny thing. give me your opinions.

Feel like I’m in a weird limbo, I’ve got better at not ruminating on my obsession but I can still feel it in my mind? Like something always in the corner of my eye that I shouldn’t look directly at. Could it be my meds starting to work or am I still ruminating?

Do y'all ever have intrusive thoughts that you're faking or being manipulative when you try to be kind to someone or do a good deed?

What meds work best for ocd?

Hello. My wedding is fast approaching, and my OCD has ramped up. It’s wild how sometimes OCD can really make you feel cut off from yourself, and how you have to put your relationship to your feelings in a difference context. I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet. I have noticed that my intrusive thoughts/worries/feelings seem to focus on two major fears, attraction and whether God wants us to marry, and when one of those seems reassured enough to experience some more excitement and joy, the other pipes up. I’m still doing all the things I need to do to get ready for the wedding, and I’m communicating with my fiancé every day. I’m not avoiding those things. I know I care deeply about him. It’s just hard not to put meaning into some of the things I feel, and I end up being in just this resigned state some days, wondering if I will ever feel truly connected with my emotions and able to trust how I feel again someday, or not. I’m posting in case someone else can relate. That numb feeling is the worst; when you feel hollow. And then your OCD asks you how long you’ve felt that way, and downplays anything else you may have felt. I really do want to be in a different, more positive mindset in this time of wedding preparation. The stakes of my fears seem so high. And yet, I know I’m not turning around. I just…want to feel more prepared emotionally.

can’t see anything on social media about kids ill immediately get intrusive thoughts and groinal responses and thoughts like “u are a p, u can’t have kids because u are a p” and it genuinely feels like im destined to be a p. like impending doom. that no more what i do i am one and i can’t change or stop it. does anyone feel like this? can it get this bad? my brain feels convinced and it’s like whenever i say im not my body gets all uncomfy and then the groinal responses come. i hate this. am i a p? if i am one i want to get help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I would rather be gone then be a p but if I am one the least I could do is get help for it but im stuck between ocd and this. what if im just a fraud hiding behind ocd

Hi guys, do you ever feel, even when the anxious feelings are gone (and your not in the back door spike window) that you still dont know who you are and what you're afraid of ( for instance in this case, not being straight) is actually true and that whole OCD cycle you're in might or might not be OCD but it doesnt matter because you're just using it as a way of proving that what you're feeling is normal and not actually face the truth? these are my thoughts right now... I was doing well, but even when I am doing well I still think about those stuff idk... like how do I know what true love is? am I faking my love for my bf and one day I'll be tired and actually just "want to accept the truth because its lighter?" becaus at that point I really feel like I'm in a movie and just playing the role of someone. Between renée rapp coming out as a lesbian after saying she was bi and sophia bush an Chrishell stause falling in love with women after being with men all their life its been kind of a triggering week (even tho when I learned it felt like I was happy like yes! they're a part of the lgbtq+ community as if I was part of that community too which triggered me even more) PS : no disprespect to anyone I'm just really triggered and confused!!

Sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have my OCD thoughts to focus on…what else would I be thinking about? Like my rumination has almost become my hobby - and my brain doesn’t know what else to focus on instead. Has anyone ever experienced this? My OCD ruminations involves a tv show/characters and my compulsions include checking social media incessantly, news outlets, etc - anywhere that I can get information. There are days I feel like this will be the rest of my life and I am trapped. How do I break out of this? Thanks for listening.

Ugh I am really struggling at the moment. I basically feel completely overwhelmed and sick from anxiety all day and like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. All my energy goes into not having a panic attack or crying or breaking down which is so draining. It’s also worse with going back to school and I’m in year 12 so I have so much work and it’s so hard and I don’t think I’m going to get the grades I want. Normally I would really care about this but I just don’t have the motivation and that in itself scares me because I don’t want to look back on this year and regret not trying harder but it’s just too much. Also one of my closest friends recently cut herself completely out of my group so there is so much drama and it just makes everything 20 times worse because I have to deal with that which feels so petty and insignificant as well as what is happening inside my head which feels so real. One day at a time literally feels like to big of a task even one minute or second does.

I had some very difficult weeks with ocd and went through a huge crisis. It felt almost like an identity crisis - one minute I believed that I was a lesbian, then straight, then bisexual, then I questioned if I love my boyfriend or not, we kinda broke up but then decided to just take a break... so, so confusing. But now, in the moment I'm writing... I'm fine! I don't know which my sexuality is or what will happen with my boyfriend. But I'm just so so calm - like of course I'm thinking about all this stuff, and sometimes I'm anxious/sad, but not in the "Oh no I'm going down the spiral of ocd" way. It's so strange, it almost feels like I don't have ocd anymore. But I had ocd syntoms daily for years and even got a diagnosis. It feels strange that everything is fine from one day to another 🤨 I started questioning if this wasn't ocd after all, but it feels impossibile that I have made all that up. Like years of rumination, torture and impossibility to think of anything else... I can't have "invented" that! That's the most strange thing that has happened to me in a while.

Hello. I've been struggling with OCD for a very long time and about 6 years ago I got divorced after being married for a very long time and I often feel like I am very alone because I don't have anyone to talk to about this like I used to be able to talk to my ex-husband about it. I always feel very lonely now and find it particularly hard whatever my anxiety gets very high and sometimes you just really crave a hug from the right person. I've wondered if I used that as a compulsion in my marriage to know that everything would be okay. But I also know that that's just part of having a partner is that sometimes you just need that and I don't have that anymore. I am 43 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but sometimes I'm scared that if I do find someone else I will latch on to them and use them to seek reassurance that everything will be okay. I hate being alone how do you all navigate dating and telling someone about your OCD and themes?

I am going through a hard time right now. I feel so alone. I am scared that I am not taking care of myself. I know it could be worse but I am just so stressed out, it has been a while since I have had to deal with my ocd, but I can sense it slowly eating at me. I am just having such a hard time.

Hi everyone. I am in a sort of situationship with someone I really care about. My OCD has been spiking around our relationship, and it’s been hard. We have been talking about taking a break - and it’s been very triggering for me. I’ve been ruminating, and checking messages and socials, and seeking reassurance a lot. It feels like a “right person wrong time” situation and I am not dealing well with this uncertainty. Has anyone else dealt with this? And does anyone have advice for how to get through this?

I feel so embarrassed in my sessions. I have a nocd therapist and every session she asks what I want to work on and has me come up with an exposure and idk the whole thing feels so embarrassing, i don't want to say the wrong thing or come up with a stupid exposure. I cry after every session because I feel so put on the spot and so embarrassed and I feel like i'm so difficult for her. idk what to do it makes me want to quit therapy all together. ive had good sessions in the past but its so hard to get past the embarrassment every time idk what my problem is.

Anyone have success with medication. I need to get on something as I’ve been so crippled with the physical symptoms of anxiety. I need some hope and advice!

Hi! I am genuinely so happy and attracted to my boyfriend but cannot stop having extreme anxiety trying to figure out my sexuality. Some days I think I am sexually attracted to women and other days I don’t feel this way. How can I accept the uncertainty? Another part of this OCD is I obsess over what the queer community will think of me since I have limited experiences with women. I am so happy with my partner but the OCD is keeping me in fear of missing out. I keep constantly comparing myself to others and getting down that they have had more sexual partners. Seeing if I’m alone in this.

Hi, I'm 17 and I'm not sure if I have OCD My symptoms started in lockdown and I was really scared my parents would get covid and something really bad would happen so: I kept praying to God, taking my shoes off to pray again and again before I left to go somewhere In my religion(Hinduism) materialistic things are ignorance so I'd balance my phone in a risky position and pray everyday --- then I thought that by sacrificing materialistic things (ignorance) like chocolate and music I could go to my dream uni ---then I kept thinking about my mum and I kept thinking she might get cancer so I kept sacrificing things like wearing make up, nice clothes and I kept limiting how much food I ate. I 'fasted' a lot and I prayed for an hour every night. I thought I would regret it so much if I wore make up because id suffer from the ignronave of the materialistic pleasures When I was eating,I would keep looking at a picture of Lord Krishna and swallowing really fast to avoid the materialstic pleasures of taste. I can only do some things by thinking 'i promise to god I'll eat this chocolate' for example. I don't think my symptoms are normal and I really don't know what to do.