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How do I forgive myself for things I did as a kid? Disgusting terrible illegal things? I’m grown and I would never do them now, but how do I move on?

Hello! I’m not sure what to do. I have health anxiety and feel like I’m dying when after eating junk food and because of my poor habits and being not motivated to go to the gym. I also have a fear that there’s no afterlife and that I have no purpose in life and that we suffer for nothing. I don’t know how to cope and I’m not sure if religion is toxic for me because I want to be honest and realistic with myself. I believe but think it’s because I was raised in a religious household. I keep looking for certainty. I feel like I don’t know what I’m going to do when my grandmas pass away. My anxiety got so much worse when my grandfather passed and I don’t think I can take it anymore and am so confused what life really means. Why there’s suffering. I don’t feel a sense of purpose in my life at all and am more confused than ever. I’m struggling to do exposure therapy for all of this and don’t know how to do exposure therapy properly. I also don’t know how to cope when I see my family suffer. For example, when I saw my uncle have my cousin arrested, for seeing my grandfather die. I feel like there’s nothing good in this world because it always leads to tragedy at the end. My family believes there’s a God, which I’d like to believe that, but am also feeling like he might not exist. It used to be my values but not anymore when I learned that it’s bad for my OCD. How should I handle trauma when I already can’t take it anymore. I feel like life has been very boring and I really struggle to work at my office. I can’t be present in the moment and I’m easily bored and want to do things that will change my life, that are more fun. I don’t know what yet and am really struggling. I just go to a boring job, wait until it turns 5, and go home and go the same thing. Walk the dog, I don’t even want to cook because it’s so boring and wastes time, and watch tv. I really don’t like my life and don’t know what to do. I previously had terrible managers in the past and got laid off for one of my jobs so this is I guess comfortable but still. I’m so bored and just going through life and am struggling to really enjoy anything. This has been going on for years. I also feel so immature and hanging out with my friends who are way more mature and extroverted than me is an exposure in itself. I compare myself to them a lot since they’re so confident but I feel like they act like I’m a toddler at times and that they feel they have to take care of me. I just am always in my head and they always give me advice, whether I ask it or not. I’m not excited about my life, very bored, but I also am not happy with who I am. I hate doing things too bc I feel like it just makes me even more depressed and bored. I feel like junk food and alcohol are the only things I look forward to

does anyone else get urges to confess to a loved one when experiencing anxiety from an intrusive thought/image?i used to do this in the past but recently i have been trying to not do this, is this a compulsion?anyone else relate?

i have been doing clinical ketamine treatments for over a year and a half now and am curious anyone else’s experience. i have found that my depression and ocd can really feed off one another (obsessions triggering depressive episodes, depressive episodes being the perfect breeding ground for rumination, etc.). because of this, i believe treating my depression in turn supports my ocd treatment. does anyone else notice this relationship between co-occurring mood disorders? or has anyone had experience with ketamine? would love to hear from you guys ❤️

I’m new here and I’m not sure what to ask, but I feel like I need to ask something. The first thing that come up is a recent experience I had with waking up in the middle of the night just thinking my life isn’t real, like not that nothing matters, but like actually not real. It was terrifying. Other times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night just spiraling thinking that I’m just a terrible person and I’m ruining my children’s lives and my husband would be able to manage things better if I was not here. Anyways, I was wondering if there was anyone else that has experienced things like this. And how you deal with these things. I’m not sure that I even have OCD but it is something that I keep thinking about. I don’t want to assume though so I’m just trying to reach out for some community and outside thoughts. Thanks.

I have realized my fear is a bit different from people who just have emetophobia but not ocd, even when the phobia mimics obsessive compulsive symptoms. They fear the actual act of being ill, and all of the gross stuff that happens with it. They also have a fear of not being in control. I have found that I moreso fear contamination. While I would be okay with being sick from a spinny ride, what would cause me to not be able to overcome it would be the fear that it was because I was actually sick with norovirus. This is perhaps because my body would not mend itself immediately after being sick one time if I caught something. The idea of being infected with something foreign disturbs me deeply. I also feel as if everything will be ruined if I am sick, that the world will end. I get comfort from remembering that the things and people I love would still be there, that they wouldn’t be contaminated or gone, which is something I don’t see with just emetophobics.

Hi guys, as I mentioned before I do struggle with religious OCD. I am a follower of Christ and I love being a follower of Christ. I’m just really frustrated because having blasphemous thoughts really do put me down and really do question my love for God. It’s really hard to have these thoughts and sometimes I do feel like I’ll never be forgiven and reading more articles just makes me more stress if you’re struggling with this I want you to know that you’re not alone and I am praying for you.

idk if this is my ocd but for the past couple weeks i’ve been disassociating and getting anxious if i look in the mirror too long or look at pictures of myself. like i can’t comprehend what i look like and don’t think im real. i also have difficulty changing simple things abt my appearance like today i put in a hoop in my nose piercing instead of my typical stud and it’s making me feel weird. i feel weird taking pictures of myself, posting pics/videos of myself and like i said even looking in the mirror too long. why don’t i feel real? i feel so weird

my brain keeps on trying to convince me I’m gay. Why do I care so much?? I’ve been sure of who I am for all my life, but ever since that thought that I could be something else appeared in my head. It’s ruined me completely, I’ve lost attraction to my preferred gender and overthink everything when talking to the same gender. I know pick about everything I’m feeling and ruminate on the past for evidence. I’ve always saw myself being with a man and having kids with a man. But now I guess my ocd (maybe it’s just denial idk) Is telling me I never wanted that and it was society or whatever. It makes me extremely uncomfy and very anxious. When I think about being gay that doesn’t feel right neither does being straight anymore since this theme. I just want to be normal again I hate this. I feel like I’ll never be in a relationship again ever because of this.

Some time I feel traped and stupid or mad at myself for having ocd can anyone relate? I wish i was normal even though normal does not exist and I know that but I wish could blended in more with other people you know. Sometimes my family treats me like I am weird, and I am but I can not help it ,you know.

this is honestly the worst summer of my life. i have intrusive thoughts almost constantly and when i tell myself i can get through this i get even worse intrusive thoughts to destroy me. and even worse, i cannot help but mumble, whisper, or even say my intrusive thoughts out loud sometimes. this is honestly ruining my life. i don’t even know what’s real anymore and what i do versus don’t do. my mind is convincing me i have done things or want to do things that i haven’t and don’t want to do. i can’t enjoy my vacation and honestly just want to go home.

i started therapy not too long ago and i really feel like i can’t talk to him at all. it’s so uncomfortable because the stuff im struggling with are all sexually related. each time he asks me about my intrusive thoughts i can’t identify them, ive been given homework to do and i haven’t even started it because im struggling so much to identify what is me and what isn’t. he isn’t a specialist in ocd either, he said he’s worked with people who are worried about the same thing as me but it doesn’t reassure me. in all honesty i dont think it would change anything if he was a specialist in it, i’d still most likely feel the same way. each time we talk about it (eg thought fusion and all) i doubt every little thing he says. it feels like i can’t open up to him in the slightest, when i try to it feels like im lying or if i start to i automatically go back on it and suddenly dont have the courage to talk about it. ive never told anyone my intrusive thoughts before, not even my mum and i tell her everything but i’ll never tell her them. he said he understands why im too scared to write them down, if i do it feels real but i can’t even identify what’s intrusive and what isn’t anymore, there’s no more anxiety. im just constantly thinking about things i don’t want to think about. i don’t know what to do, im spending money on the sessions but i just leave feeling even worse. i’m NOT doing too bad right now so i feel like i don’t need therapy but i know if i was to leave therapy it would most likey get worse again. is this normal? i don’t understand at all. i’m literally lying to him because im too scared to open up.

Newly diagnosed with OCD but have struggled with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and night terrors for about 20 years now. Never knew it was OCD! Anyhow, I struggle with existential OCD and perfectionism OCD which has always caused me to dislike “regular” talk therapy because it never worked, there was no point, and I was worried I wasn’t doing it right. Well I’ve started ERP with my therapist, and now every day that I have therapy, I anxiously spiral about how it’s going to be bad, and I’m not going to get better anyway because I’m not doing it right, and what’s the point in getting better anyway. Sorry for the run on sentences. Does anyone have advice for getting motivated for therapy sessions and not fearing them? TL;DR: Does anyone have advice of how to stay motivated for ERP therapy with doubts of failing/anxiety/existential thoughts?

Hey guys so I was having really bad anxiety and asked my bf to hug me because I felt anxious and then he just started full on kissing me and looking up with me and I felt like I hated it and felt SEVERE anxiety. I feel like I truly am a lesbian, does intimacy or kissing make some of You guys anxious?? Im spiralling

I’ve worked on my ocd for years now, and more often than not it’s manageable, but when my ROCD flares up it really bothers me. I’ve been with my partner 7 years everything is fine realistically but after a triggering argument I keep getting intrusive thoughts that my partner is cheating on me. I have no proof because there’s been no real reason to believe it other than minor changes in his behavior (he recently was laid off and is a bit stressed so it’s understandable.) I can tell I’m going through ocd because it’s leading me to feel the need to check, ask reassurance, and think things through constantly. I’m trying to get over it but it makes me worry if it is really happening and I’m not having ocd. Even though my partner has never given me a solid reason to believe they would do that to me. It’s just so hard because I feel like no matter how many times he proves to me he’s not my brain still comes up with a reason it may be true. I also don’t want to be a toxic partner and I have explained to him what is happening. I just can’t seem to get any comfort and my brain continuously has been taking moments that were probably innocent and turning it into potential evidence. Has anyone else dealt with this theme? I feel like I’m going crazy

Really struggling over the past few weeks and on and off for the past 2 years. SOOCD themes are new for me and being bi or lesbian never crossed my mind until recently. I haven’t really dated anyone in almost 4 years and have had next to no desire to do so. I am questioning everything about myself and finding proof that I was really into girls this whole time. It’s distressing and I feel like I don’t know myself and that I’m lying to everyone around me. I’m afraid to be around people thinking they see what I don’t see. I can admit I’m attracted to hot women and get aroused when I see one but never in my life have I ever saw myself dating a woman. The sexual fantasy had been there but in the real world I never had crushes on girls or the desire to pursue anyone. Now I am overanalyzing my previous sex life, relationships and my ROCD with my last 2 boyfriends. I am thinking maybe it was because I never actually liked guys. I am also questioning the fact that I don’t have the same physical response to attractive men on the street as I do for some women. Something to note, when I got off my BC I started having fantasies about a male coworker I had a crush on. And it made me feel alive and like myself. So I wonder if my birth control is also fueling my OCD. I have always struggled with body image, comparing my body to other women’s, and my inability to enjoy sex fully so that also is fueling my SOOCD and making me think being with a woman would change things. Any and all advice helps! I am feeling really alone and so physically and mentally uncomfortable. I can’t talk about this theme with friends or family because I don’t want them to take this so seriously when I can’t even discern if it’s true.

Hi friends. I wanted to share a bit about my story in hopes that someone else may feel less alone or someone else can help me to feel less alone. I recently graduated college (a year ago) and moved to a city to pursue a graduate degree that is extremely accelerated. I moved away from my boyfriend, my family and most of my friends. I hate the city I live in. It’s terrifying, I’m alone 99% of the time and away from all of my support systems. Initially I was super stressed with the work load and constantly upset about my long distance relationship but now I feel numb to it. In the fall I had my first panic attack which then led to several months of extreme health anxiety. After working with a therapist this subsided and I felt at peace for a total of a week. Then ROCD fell into my lap and hit me like a truck. It was sudden, it happened so fast and scared me to death. It’s been going on for months now. I feel like I’m never present, I constantly question my love for my boyfriend. Is it real? Have I fallen out of love, do I find him attractive…etc. I also do mental compulsions. Checking, validating my feelings, looking at photos, googling OCD to make sure it’s an OCD thought and not actually my own, and seeking reassurance by telling other people. I tried to stop engaging in these compulsions but the lack of communication to my boyfriend increases my feelings of guilt which increases my beliefs that this is real and this is how I feel, despite the fact that I get so anxious over this thought. I feel like I’m at a stand still. Still in the long distance, trying to self manage, trying to avoid compulsions but hating my brain for bullying me with this conversation all day that makes me question my authenticity. I can’t determine my core fear…I am at a road block and looking for help.

Just wanting to put this out there to see if anyone else relates. I’ve always tried to pinpoint the root cause of my most frequent “themes” for my intrusive thoughts. I experience Sexual Orientation OCD, Gender OCD, Relationship OCD, Pedo OCD, Harm OCD, and few others that I feel I’ve gotten better with like Germ OCD. I think my OCD really began when I was a teenager and the more I think back and think on my themes and their impact on my mood when they happen, makes me try to relate them to some trauma I experienced as a child that causes me to question my reality and beliefs. Like being called a lesbian slur in school because I was self conscious of my weight and so I wore boy clothes because they were more comfortable and not form fitting. And I also think I may be autistic due to many reasons (like the sensory issue of clothes being too tight) but one being that I mirrored people I wanted to befriend or be liked by and this was a problem in school growing up because I tried skateboarding and sports and such to impress boys because I thought to be liked by them, I had to relate to them and it happened again in high school when I tried to be “country” and like hunting and trucks and all that to fit in more with my new school that was in a small southern town. All of this to say my whole childhood, all I’ve wanted was to be liked, loved, and to fit in and I WANTED to be feminine but femininity didn’t fit with my body size/shape and all the girly things just made me too seen and like everyone could see every flaw I had in bright neon colors. Thankfully as I’ve grown up I’ve found my own style and way of expression and embracing my femininity and curves. I’ve let loose on my personality to be my authentic self but my thoughts throw me back to when I dressed and acted more boyish to fit in and get boyfriends saying “you’re not feminine, you’re masculine, you’re just acting feminine” amongst other thoughts and it makes it hard to enjoy being happy with ACTUALLY being myself because my mind keeps telling me I’m faking. I also had trauma with being groomed growing up by older men and my older sister practicing kissing with me even though I didn’t want to (we are 2.5 years apart) and that gives me intrusive thoughts about finding younger people attractive (like teens much younger than me) and gives me anxiety when I’m trying to change my nieces diaper giving me intrusive thoughts like “don’t touch her there, don’t look there, you’re violating her” when in reality, I’m just trying to make sure she doesn’t get a UTI from not being wiped all the way clean after pooping. This was a much longer post than intended and I could keep going with more examples but I just want to see if anyone else can relate to this and what has helped them.

Hi everyone. I’ve been on Zoloft for a couple of years now. Overall a very good experience. My Doc slowly worked me up to 150mg, but lately (past couple weeks) seems like my OCD has been stronger which is also triggering depression. OCD + Very low energy, easily annoyed/angered, etc. Any positive/relatable experiences out there with increasing above 150mg? Thanks in advance!

I’m so scared all the time that maybe i am just in denial. The voice started one day and it never leeft. Whenn i was at my happiest in my relationship all i could hear was a voice being like ur a lesbian, u don’t even like men, everything is fake, nothing was real u just didn’t know it. Then we broke up and all the voices went away and i was devastated because i missed him. Fast forward 2 years we made it work again and i was so happy and now i’m happy the voices are back. But when i’m with him they go away a little, i naturally gravitate toward touching him and being around him and being turned on but then when i’m alone my head is like none of it was real, you hated it, you’re a lesbian, you only like women, you’re. not attracted to men anymore. Is this normal for SOCD? or am i just in denial? i’ve only ever dated men, and i’ve really loved my partners, being intimidate has never been hard. I don’t know what to do. It’s all i think about all day when i’m alone.