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I have this constant feeling of needing 100 percent certainty in my relationship of being wanted physically and sexually by him. Plus also reassurance of if he still loves me.. it’s a loop!!!

Sorry if this is too long I just wanted to vent or express myself. There is some trigger warnings later on in this vent about sa sorda. I didn't give detail or anything. This is just a long vent. I just needed to vent out everything and I mean everything lmfao. But for the past 2 weeks or so I've been wondering about my sexuality. And at first I was wondering if I was having sexual orientation ocd or just actual desires or thoughts of me trying to figure it out. I'm 22, female. And I have a bf of 6 years now but 2 years ago I even questioned it for about a month and even came out to him sayinf I might be bi because there's this female celebrity who i think is so pretty and gorgoues. Almost in Zendaya level of pretty. Like just in awe and I joked around and even said i have a girl crush on her. I mean my mom has a girl crush on one of her actors but she likes steictly men. Idk but a lot of my friends who are females have like a girl crush of some celeberty. Anyways he said he was okay with it but he did think I was overthinking a lot maybe about this whole thing. Cause at the time he even asked me would I want to kiss a girl and he was like try saying it to me. And I couldn't even say it cause I was like I can't haha like it just wouldnt come out no matter how hard i tried. Like if i ever said I liked eating hot dogs, my bf would be in shock causs I won't like how they taste. So that's how it felt when I tried saying it . We're funny like that but he was being serious. Like he just wanted me to also figure it out too. I can't explain it. But he was there for me. And it went away eventually and I was like I don't think I'm bi anymore lol, cause I just only liked guys still at least in terms of my crushes of celebs and fictional characters. Anyways 2 years later struggling again, but now I feel like it has to be some type of sign that I must be on the bi spectrum. I have given thought that maybe I am afraid to kinda put a label or come out but I've always been open about things. And even my brother is gay and other family members in the lgbt. So lgbt stuff was never an issue in my family growing up really. But I guess sometimes I feel so overwhelmed of the fact I could be gay or bi but mainly gay. I don't think I am gay because my whole life I've had crushes on boys and celebs were boys and so on. I did find women pretty and attractive too but in a sense that like I know when someone is attractive if that makes sense. But when I think that I could be or may be gay I just get so much anxiety from it. Not that I think anything is wrong with being in the lgbt. But idk how to explain it. I guess the one thing that's really questioning me is when I was younger I unfortunately experienced things at a young age with a guy. And I'm sure you can see where I'm getting at. But I think I was kinda exposed to such things early on but also. I was like 8 and young and was always curious about bodies I guess. But as time went on and middle school came around I did look up women's n*ked bodies a lot. Like I think I did get aroused when I saw naked women or when I saw intimate scenes with a couple in a movie of something I looked up in. I would always look at the women more. I even had a crush on this anime girl and drew her n*ked cause I was just so into her body. I swear I'm not like a weirdo I'm just trying to express my thoughts. But anyways yeah I always just wanted to look at nudes of women online I guess and I would get nervous someone would find out. But more in a sense of I didn't wanna get caught looking up something inappropriate than someone thinking I'm gay if that makes any sense? But I'd like to also point out that I was only interested at like n*ked women but seeing regular women or whatever or growing up in school and such I never saw girls cute or had crushes on them or when I was in p.e. I would sometimes look at them when we changed but I was always just curious as well to see what they had too. I also use to be insecure about my breast and such since my moms side had small ones while my dad's side had big ones. So I was always like I wanted bigger breast haha. Sounds stupid I know but I was young. But once High School came along, I just stopped caring. I never had crushes on girls either too, like I'd find some pretty or whayeber or admire how they looked too and sure as a human if I saw a girl showing more skin my eyes would be more drawn into it. But in High school only had crushes on boys and I had friends who were openly bi and everyone in my band class was also gay, bi, lesbian and so on . My high school was very accepting of everything and everyone. Even had pride weeks at school. So in high school, if I suspected I was gay or bi I wouldn't have cared about coming out because oh how open everything was there and at my house. So I'm just very puzzled right now. In middle school I was curious about the women body a lot and such but I don't know if I was just curious of how my body will look or was actually attracted to women's bodies. I mean I like to say I was attracted to them I guess now that I think about it. Because it felt like a little secret. But I also would look at guys bodies too but there wasn't like much I guess haha. I mean sure I'd be curious of how guys private parts were but I don't really remember how I felt durning those. But I will admit I was so fixated on how my body will look growing up, like I'd literally be checking how much my body would grow and such and always fixated on myself. So yeah idk. But also during that time I only had crushes on guys and guy celebs and anime guys and so on. I mean recently like 2 months ago I was going ferral over this anime guy and such lol. But anyways I feel like crying because idk if it's cause I'm in denial of suppressing hidden feelings or desires or if I'm just so overwhelmed with who I am sexually. And what makes it kinda hard is that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual too now and when I thought I was asexual I actually was pretty okay with it and didn't give much thought into it. I qas like yeah seems about right or so. No ocd trigger. But when it comes to be possibly being gay or bi now it gives me so much distress. And now that I'm having these thoughts more, I keep only looking at women to test myself which I know is a compulsion but it doesn't help either that I do find women pretty aestically or attractive or beautiful. But sometimes it's also like wow she has nice eyes and I'll think I wish I had them too. But I'll notice how nice their body is and I'm like wow that's a nice body. I mean also too. If a woman has a "sexualize" body I do think like oh she has a sexy body cause you can see it I guess. Almost likw Jessica Rabbit, the cartoon she's literally drew like that on purpose cause she's a sexual icon. So yeah I think she's sexy but I don't think I had any feelings towards her. And I know people say like you won't know till you try but idk if I'm really down to it. But when I do see a fairly attractive guy I do think like oh do I look good? But not in a cheating way because I do have a boyfriend. But in a sense of being human I guess I already told him all this too so he knows. But when i see a pretty women at least recently or slightly attractive or whatever I think, now since I'm so fixated on it I get like nervous around then at work or something. Like today I saw a pretty girl but I would think would I wanna do such things with her? And I couldn't really give an answer. But when I think about being with a guy I could see me more holding hands and such . So I'm just confused right now haha. I really just needed to vent. I wss gonna write all of this down on my journal but I got lazy to do that haha. My bf tells me tho that straight women find women pretty and find them attractive too. But I just don't know what to think anymore. Most of my distress is because I have a bf I feel like super stressed out. Like I don't wanna disappoint him if I am gay?? He said he supports me with whatever I am and such. So that's nice to hear but idk. I always dreamed of us living together forever and all that fantasy stuff. But now since I'm so hyperfocused on this theme I just feel like I can't see a future with anybody. And I thought writing all of this down would make aomwthing click to me but it just keeps adding and adding to more confusion. Like I have said before like I think I'm bi, and I was like okay with it for awhile but then I just never looked at women lmfao. I was always crushing on my male characters or celebs and stuff and fan fics. So I was like I think I'm just straight. But this theme or hidden sexual orientation keeps coming back and I'm never sure and I know I probably won't be for a lil while. I have thought if I got with a women like maybe things would be okay? But I feel like I'd just wanna be with my bf at the end of the day or with a guy I think? But idk either obviously and I'm not really comfortable with experiencing. I've also had some type of bad experience with a girl back then ad well and when I would think of it, it would give me anxiety too. But at the time sure I wss like oh, okay I think I kinda liked it but it didn't feel right to me bevause I guess it wasn't consented and even after that I still was just into guys and never tried it again. So I've had bad experiences with both guy and girl growing up. So like I realllllllllt don't know for sure lmfao. I guess what I wanna say is I don't wanna be gay but I feel like me saying that makes it feel like that's the truth coming out secretly like maybe I am gay? And just afraid to admit it? And I have nothing against lgbt, It's more just me feeling lost cause this whole time in pretty sure i was straight my whole life. After all that middle school stuff with me looking up females, my device did get like frozen lmfao. But I was so panicked and afraid of what the techs would see when they fixed it. So after that I did stop looking at women's bodies (like at p*rn websites and stuff) cause I felt guilty I wss looking up inappropriate things. But high school came along and I'm pretty sure I have looked again but I just never got interested looking up that stuff. But now I'm like was it cause I felt guilty looking up inappropriate stuff or was I afraid of looking at women's bodies again? But I will never know cause I can't go back in time to check. But I genuinely do think it's cause I just liked guys more. I mean all my phone wallpapers and things were guys I had crushes on TV. But my cousin came out as bi back in middle school and you would think that would make me rethink my sexuality too but no. I was like that's cool, I support you. And never thought about liking women. So I can't tell if I ever had desires to be with women secretly or just always saw them in a sexualized way cause of how I portrayed women at the time? UGHHHHHHHGGHGGGG I'M JUST CONFUSEDDDDDDDD. I will say I still think womens bodies are just beautiful and more appealing to look at than guys. But for guys for me it's like if you have a nice looking face or shoulders or personality I get interested. Or like in shows I always just fangirled over the guys growing up. I mean my first crush was Eric from The Little Mermaid and Link from the Zelda franchise also Inuyasha and L from death note, and Ichiago and Sora if you know who those are haha ( i grew up with brothers so some of my crushes were video game guys lmfao) . And then I remember seeing Edward Scissorhands when I was a kid, Johnny Depp was like my first human crush and had a crush on Jack sparrow and so on. And for example, I had a crush on Chris Evans in fantastic 4 and so on I can name even Jensen Ackles he was a really big one in middle school for me and High school. But whenever I did see a scene where two actors got intimate I'd always look at the woman's body more, like sure I'd see the guy but I was looking at how she looked. But I always had the crush on yhe male lead so I guess that's why I'm so confused? And even in fictional characters I had crushes on like in games and stuff never cared for the girls either. So that's why I'm so puzzled. Like how can I look at all that stuff in middle school and whatever. But growing up I was always just having crushes on all these guys cause I thought they were so cute and perfect????????????? SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG I JUST NEEDED TO VENT. Another think I feel like I'm afraid of loosing my bf too one day cause of how I am or if I turn out to be something else. So yeah. I'm just a mess right now and I just wanted to write my thoughts onto something. Sorry it's so messy and all over the place, that's just how my brain is at the moment. And for clarification, I support the lgbt community, it has nothing against me not liking the community. I just feel confused as to who I am sexually and who I am as a person now. I get very nervous for the future all the time so I just never know obviously. Thanks for taking the time to reading this whenever made it to the bottom of this messy thread. You don't have to comment if you don't want to, I just wanted to vent onto something and writing this physically would've made me lazy lmfao. Thanks again for anyone who does reply of just takes the time to read. I'm not looking for an answer really, I just idk. I just wanted to express how I've been feeling and yeah...

I feel like opening up about something. I would wake up everyday not knowing what to do in life. I have no motivation to talk with friends, or I would isolate myself from family, because I don’t want to be awkward around anybody and I just don’t think I’m that interesting to be around. I would be mean to myself in anyway possible. I once went to the comfort of my childhood and I would roleplay as characters of my childhood. But now I feel myself growing up and becoming an adult, and I’ve been experiencing grief of no longer being in my childhood. Having freestyle fun with my friends and family was the best I’ve ever felt. But now it’s all gone now. Now I’m stuck with feeling not open minded to anything and thinking that no one cares about me, I won’t have fun or be happy anymore, and I’m a nobody. I would even have scary thoughts about “Doing it” but I’m never planning to. I just feel like there is nothing to do anymore and I shouldn’t look back on the great childhood I had.

Instead I’m belittled and insulted when I don’t meet their standard. I know I can’t drive, I’m terrified and my OCD makes it even worse. But instead of being encouraged so I feel confident that bough to try it out, I get yelled and screamed at about how I’m a baby and not a real adult and that I need to face reality. Like it’s the worst parenting job ever, what the hell. Now I want to drive even less because I feel even less confident about myself. My dad yells at me because he sees my recluse tendencies and never stops to consider that maybe his belittling is why I never even try. Because I don’t even feel a single shred of hope in myself.

Do you think one day in recovery they’ll be a day I don’t think about the fact I even have ocd?

I have never dated anyone bc of the fear that ocd would flare up too much and cause problems but this time i have taken a leap of faith and thought to myself that whatever ocd is gonna throw my way I will deal with it cause that's what I should be doing cause I can't not do anything in my life. What are your tips to when my ocd flares up due to me dating

Hello everyone. My name is Cathy and I have severe intrusive thoughts that seem to come out of no where. However only one thought at a time. I fixate on that scary thought for days and days and my anxiety builds up and up. I try to then attack the suggested catastrophic thought such I may have this disease or going to die from that disease or rot in hell etc. scary thoughts always. I try and do a ton of research on line to counter attack the thought trying to prove it wrong and this helps me but if I can’t find something that proves I won’t get the disease or have it already or prove other things too depending on what the thought is, it doesn’t help at all and can make it worse. Is anyone out there experiencing what I have. I don’t have ocd cleaning or washing or checking but have intrusive scary thoughts.

I have 3 questions: 1. How do I stop ruminating over a workplace incident? 2. How do I remember all that what was said during the incident, to ensure I won't be painted as an angry emotional woman, without having to ask another co worker what happened? 3. How do I think before I act? I was thinking of writing a note on my desk saying "5 4 3 2 1 before reacting". So I can fully be present anytime I speak. I wish our lives were recorded so we could play it back to therapists... Anyway all I remember is I was working & the co workers in the next cubicles were chatting away about the women they were attracted to in the office (they're married men). Anyway, someone came to ask our section for assistance I asked that they help him out cause I'm really busy. The one co worker started complaining, so in order to prevent problems & a dispute, I just helped the guy. But I don't know if I said anything more? Possibly & most likely ...but I can't recall. But now I'm ruminating cause the complaining co worker has started gossiping about the incident around work. It's being brought back to me & I'm confused cause I don't remember anything else.

Hey guys, this is my first post here. I am a 24 year old male. I had a traumatic experience in a doctor’s office when I was 4 years old. I apologize for the nature of this, but I had developed a strep infection in my anus. It became bad enough that to get a test sample, the doctor had to stick a cotton swab that was several inches long and attached to a screwdriver handle up there. Even at 4 years old, I remember being so humiliated and thinking about how I inconvenienced my family by being sick like that. Years later, even what I imagine are normal bodily sensations could drive me to believe there is an infection inside of me. My senior year of high school, I had a civics teacher who showed the class a film starring Tom Hanks known as ‘Philadelphia’. In this film, Tom’s character is diagnosed with HIV. As his coworkers suspect his illness, he is blindsided by his employer to discover that he has been terminated from his position. As he is ridiculed for his condition throughout this film, his physical state and symptoms progressively get worse. Seeing his sickness play out, I would also become queasy at any scene where a patient receives an IV needle or is hooked to a machine. As well as HIV/AIDS or even cancer, I am seriously concerned for the condition of my thyroid gland. My father was diagnosed with Graves’ disease about 2 years ago. His condition was never discovered until his heart went into atrial fibrillation one morning. Seeing my dad as scared he was, hooked up to all of those machine, it was horrifying. As scared as I felt for my dad, it became worse when they said that Graves’ disease and thyroid issues can be genetic. Since this took place, I have consistently worried in the back of my mind for my health. I am so afraid to go to the doctor and get stuck with a needle. I am trying to get into therapy at my clinic, but the staff has displayed zero urgency in getting me an appointment and it always turns into a game of phone tag. I never receive a call the day they say they’ll call. When I call myself, they tell me they’ll know by tomorrow. I just need help in overcoming this constant fear that has plagued me for years now. I am so tired of being in my head. I want to be happy, to be healthy, and to be a providing spouse. I want to be the best version of me that I can for my wife. This is my first post here, I am so sorry for its longevity. I just need an outlet and people who understand what it’s like to live this way. Thank you all.

I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance. Just venting I guess and I don’t mean to sound like a baby. But I just feel like I’m meant to be alone and it hurts. Like not only when it comes to friendships but relationships as well. I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother and ik those aren’t big dreams but they have been my dreams since I was a teenager. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for that. (there are many reasons behind that thinking; i’d just rather not get into it) I know I have people on here to talk to to an extent and I’m very grateful for that. But y’all don’t know me on a deep level and ofc I don’t expect you to. Idk I don’t wanna start rambling. Thank you to anybody who even cares to read this

sorry for bothering, for posting too much. but can ocd cause you to sort of.. change? i’m scared i will change. right now i don’t feel like typing all extra with a bunch of emojis and hearts like i usually do. it was usually to represent my values of love and kindness and positivity. but i don t feel like doing that. i feel like typing like this. i’m worried that i will lose my values/morals. i’m scared i am becoming a less emotional or empathetic person. i’m scared that i forced myself to be that way in the past. i’m worried that i don’t know who i am and i will never truly know who i am or feel at peace with myself or my values. i’m worried that because of this ocd i am changed forever. i’m even worried that it isn’t ocd anymore.

So idk how to explain this well but anyways, for the past 2 weeks I've been struggling with sexual orientation ocd and figuring out if I'm maybe Bi or not but everything I think I am I feel like it's not the right word. But anyways my problem I'm struggling with right is Trans-ocd? Idk if that's the right term and I apologize if that's not the right word to say with this subject. But for the past month ( I'm a female btw) I've been noticing more of like masculine features on my face, for example like my jaw or the way my eyes look etc. Idk how to explain it but yeah. And sometimes when I put my hair up I can see it more. And I'll admit like dang, I'd look decent as a guy if I was one? It's just something that would pop up cause I have pretty strong confidence of how I look usually. Like I'll wear a bag that doesn't match my outfit and idc or I'll go to the store looking like I got out of bed but idc cause I'm just comfortable I guess. But anyways, idk I've just been very confused if I'm trans? Or want to be or idk. I will say it does distress me when I think about it. And when I put my hair up sometimes I'm like oh I look more like a guy in my head and it'll stres me out but I'll try not to give in to the thoughts. Growing up I've been kinda tomboyish, I liked a lot of guy things and the toys and comics and all that. And I dressed like casual I guess. But I use to like wearing ties and guys clothes cause I thought they looked cooler or just nicer. But I would have my female clothes and I thought I looked okay but not comfortable I guess? But now I wear anything pretty and I'm like I look good but sometimes I just wanna get back to wearing my t-shirts but idk. I'm just so very confused right now and it's stressing me out. I also have a bf and idk if that's why I'm more stressed out cause I just don't wanna disappoint him I guess? But also I don't know. But also growing up I always dreamed of being the princess and having all these like women fantasies or for example if I read fanfixtion I always was the girl cause I liked the guy and so on. But on a side note, when I cosplay for conventions or dress up for Halloween I usually like to dress up as guy characters since I was in middle school cause we'll my fav characters were always the guys and I wanted to dress up as them. And I felt cool but I didn't think about trans stuff at the time as a kid. I was just dressing up. But I guess recently I dressed up as a character from JoJo Bizzare Adventure as Jotaro which is a guy and I thought I looked so good but I wore like a cute tight crop top for the shirt and stuff. So I like mixed it up and had my long hair obviously. Idk I'm just confused. Like does me dressing up as these guy characters mean something more behind it? I just can't tell anymore if I'm having some type of trans-ocd theme or if it's a desire ? Like am I secretly wanting to be trans and don't know it yet? Or am I just overthinking as usual? I'm just confused right now. I do think I'm having a identity crisis right now. Just so stressed out idk what to do or where to start. I know a lot of female cosplayers cosplay as a guy or male character but idk I just feel like when I look in the mirror I sometimesnjust see more guy features than a women? But not too long ago I was praising my female body and even drawing it cause I thought I looked pretty and felt inspired to draw my body so I'm just so confused rn. I'm sorry for the long vent and if the sentences don't make sense. I've just been so stressed out. I want to ask my bf what he thinks but he'd probably just be like huh. I know you're not supposed to ask for reassurance here. I'm just asking more if someone is or has gone through this or what's your opinions on what I said? Thank you for anyone who answers

So idk how to explain this well but anyways, for the past 2 weeks I've been struggling with sexual orientation ocd and figuring out if I'm maybe Bi or not but everything I think I am I feel like it's not the right word. But anyways my problem I'm struggling with right is Trans-ocd? Idk if that's the right term and I apologize if that's not the right word to say with this subject. But for the past month ( I'm a female btw) I've been noticing more of like masculine features on my face, for example like my jaw or the way my eyes look etc. Idk how to explain it but yeah. And sometimes when I put my hair up I can see it more. And I'll admit like dang, I'd look decent as a guy if I was one? It's just something that would pop up cause I have pretty strong confidence of how I look usually. Like I'll wear a bag that doesn't match my outfit and idc or I'll go to the store looking like I got out of bed but idc cause I'm just comfortable I guess. But anyways, idk I've just been very confused if I'm trans? Or want to be or idk. I will say it does distress me when I think about it. And when I put my hair up sometimes I'm like oh I look more like a guy in my head and it'll stres me out but I'll try not to give in to the thoughts. Growing up I've been kinda tomboyish, I liked a lot of guy things and the toys and comics and all that. And I dressed like casual I guess. But I use to like wearing ties and guys clothes cause I thought they looked cooler or just nicer. But I would have my female clothes and I thought I looked okay but not comfortable I guess? But now I wear anything pretty and I'm like I look good but sometimes I just wanna get back to wearing my t-shirts but idk. I'm just so very confused right now and it's stressing me out. I also have a bf and idk if that's why I'm more stressed out cause I just don't wanna disappoint him I guess? But also I don't know. But also growing up I always dreamed of being the princess and having all these like women fantasies or for example if I read fanfixtion I always was the girl cause I liked the guy and so on. But on a side note, when I cosplay for conventions or dress up for Halloween I usually like to dress up as guy characters since I was in middle school cause we'll my fav characters were always the guys and I wanted to dress up as them. And I felt cool but I didn't think about trans stuff at the time as a kid. I was just dressing up. But I guess recently I dressed up as a character from JoJo Bizzare Adventure as Jotaro which is a guy and I thought I looked so good but I wore like a cute tight crop top for the shirt and stuff. So I like mixed it up and had my long hair obviously. Idk I'm just confused. Like does me dressing up as these guy characters mean something more behind it? I just can't tell anymore if I'm having some type of trans-ocd theme or if it's a desire ? Like am I secretly wanting to be trans and don't know it yet? Or am I just overthinking as usual? I'm just confused right now. I do think I'm having a identity crisis right now. Just so stressed out idk what to do or where to start. I know a lot of female cosplayers cosplay as a guy or male character but idk I just feel like when I look in the mirror I sometimesnjust see more guy features than a women? But not too long ago I was praising my female body and even drawing it cause I thought I looked pretty and felt inspired to draw my body so I'm just so confused rn. I'm sorry for the long vent and if the sentences don't make sense. I've just been so stressed out. I want to ask my bf what he thinks but he'd probably just be like huh. I know you're not supposed to ask for reassurance here. I'm just asking more if someone is or has gone through this or what's your opinions on what I said? Thank you for anyone who answers

Any tips on whenever you’re getting that intrusive thought, what can I tell myself without reassuring myself

so idk what this is but last year around this time is when my anxiety and ocd got so bad, it was the worst time of my life to the point where i had a plan to end my life, i also was in a horrible abusive relationship that traumatized me. so last year august-November was so horrible for me like those months absolutely ruined me and i think about it everyday. And now that it’s august again i feel like that person again, and like i feel like im in that same situation all over again and I hate it so much. What does this mean? And now im scared that im gonna feel this way up until November and that’s terrifying.

Hi everyone! I’ve been struggling a ton lately and wanted to see if anyone else has this problem. I constantly have to have people repeat what they said to me in order to comprehend what they just said. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I constantly get into brain fogs where I can’t always hear what’s being said, which leads to me reading lips just to get by. On top of that, sometimes the fogs get so bad that I can’t even lip read which results in me missing conversations completely 99% of the time. Does anyone else experience this and what do you do to improve it?

Hey all, this is my first post here, and I really think I'm going through the worst theme I've ever had. For weeks I've been having never ending reaccuring thoughts about everything having to do with being a person, life in general, other peoples lives and experiences, the meaning/purpose of life, and especially ruminating on death and the fact that everyone I know will die, including myself. It's gotten to the point of dissociation, and life feels simulated and fake. I can't think about anything else and the terror that comes along with it is awful (it's almost humorous to me that I'd rather have the POCD or ROCD themes I've had before, this seems so much worse) with death being the main fear in this theme I've given into the compulsions of researching death statistics (such as how many people die in my age group per year and how, car accident/heart disease/cancer statistics) over and over again and constantly repeating them in my head over and over. Driving got scary for a little while, but funny enough driving more (exposure) made that fear manageable. It's also gotten bad with the constant fear of knowing my loved ones will pass, and obsessing over how and when it'll happen. I'm also waking up everyday telling myself it'll be the day I die, and obsessing over the fact that most no one knows their last day and how genuinely terrifying that is. I'm constantly wondering what the point of anything is, if I'm just going to die, and almost prematurely mourning the death of loved ones and the loss of my own life. I am religious, and this offers some relief, but usually just ends in my OCD dipping into some Scrupulosity (which is just ugh why now this). Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this, I'm feeling pretty alone and depressed and genuinely can't see my life going back to normal or any way out of it.

These days I was on quora and I saw a post thtat said that porn addiction doesn't exist, and porn is healthy, and I was like "No?!?!?". Because the post said that some people watch like, incest porn because they like it and not because of an addiction. But 90% of people with porn addiction don't find the content they watch attractive, and after watching it, they feel disgusted and regret it, and that's a sign of addiction, you watch all those things like, incest porn, bdsm and etc ... not because you like them, but because your body just wants to feel something stronger that common porn can't offer anymore.

I really need some advice. My rocd is so bad that even spending time with my boyfriend is triggering my anxiety. Is that normal? Is that even rocd or do I just not want to spend time with him? He is great and if I didn’t have negative thoughts when I’m with him I would enjoy it. The first half hr I spend with him I have no anxiety and feel relaxed, but then this horrible anxiety comes over me like I have to be alone and be away from him. I don’t know what this means. Am I torturing myself unnecessarily by being in a relationship with him, because my rocd is not even letting me enjoy time with him? My brain is telling me he is the cause of all my anxiety, but breaking up with him would be awful! We can’t go on holiday either. A relationship shouldn’t be like this should it? I should be excited to see him and have fun, but I just have crippling anxiety when I’m with him because my ocd has associated my boyfriend as the problem. Maybe I’m making rocd an excuse because the thought of being alone is terrifying. I’m scared I’m holding onto something that is really affecting my mental health, but he’s so great and amazing when he’s with me, there’s no reason for these extreme feelings. How do I make this better? Any advice greatly appreciated!!!

I went to see a psychiatrist today. She was pretty nice, but even though I was listing ALL symptoms of OCD, all the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, she was uncertain about it, as if she did not understand what was going on. She didn't rule out the possibility of me having OCD, but she didn't confirm it. I understand that doctors usually won't diagnose patients in their first visit, but goddamn... I'm so scared right now. I keep doubting that I have OCD myself, I identify with all the symptoms but I doubt it all the time and feel the need to reassure myself that I have the disorder. If I don't have OCD, my life is fucking over. She gave me a diagnosis for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and prescribed me some medication. I received that diagnosis because I shared some of the trouble I'm going through at work. But if I fear that I don't really have OCD if an actual mental health professional can't recognize that as OCD. All the relentless researching, rumination, mental checking/testing, spending hours doing these things to achieve a sense of certainty and avoiding things out of fear of getting triggered.