In May, I began experiencing what I now suspect to be OCD. I started obsessively worrying about things that people around me assured me werenāt worth the concern. I found myself ruminating on past events, convinced that they could ruin my life.
I sent texts to people I knew years ago, apologizing and seeking reassurance that I hadnāt done anything wrong. This often confused them, and I knew, deep down, that these worries were irrational. I laughed about it with friends, yet couldnāt fully let go of the fear. Small mistakes began to feel like life-altering threats. Getting my dream job seemed to intensify these symptomsāI became anxious about being canceled, losing my career, and being judged by strangers for things I regret. I identified my main symptoms as real-event OCD. Even sharing this post makes me anxious.
My most recent fixation is my last relationship, which ended last year. We loved each other deeply, but the relationship became toxicācharacterized by arguments and a lack of trust. I had been in a really bad relationship before that, and avoided dating for years out of fear. But when I started this relationship, it forced me to confront those lingering issues. I tried to manage them on my own but failed, becoming the toxic partner in the process. I should have gone to therapy to address my insecurities, but instead, I projected them onto my partner. While my partner wasnāt perfect either, I recognize now that a lot of the issues stemmed from me. After the breakup, I went to therapy and finally did the work I should have done sooner.
Now, a year later, I feel Iāve genuinely changed. Iām more empathetic and have worked through past traumas to become a better partner. However, with my OCD flaring up recently, Iāve been fixating on the mistakes I made in that relationship. I canāt seem to forgive myself, and Iām constantly anxious about being canceled. It feels like my efforts to change and grow might not matterālike people wonāt care that Iāve become better. I did reach out to my ex to apologize, and while they didnāt respond, I understand that decision, as I made it clear there was no pressure to reply. Friends tell me we were both young and immature, and that what matters is how weāve grown since then. They say itās common to have toxic relationships at a young age, but I feel thatās too easy an excuse. Does change matter? I donāt know how to forgive myself, and I canāt tell how much of my worry is driven by OCD and how much by reasonable guilt.
TLDR: I was a bad partner in a relationship, have since gone through therapy to be a better person, and am struggling to forgive myself for past mistakes.
