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I'm Sharkey!!

I just feel so tired, hopeless, and desolate. I hate my life so much. I haven’t truly felt this way until recently. I have just been through so much trauma and abuse in my life and it’s built up so much to the point where I have come to truly hate my life. I’m too afraid to actually do anything but I want to die so bad. I don’t know what to do. Life just feels like never ending suffering. I’m 34 yo and alone and unloved and I want this all to be over. I wish so badly that I was a worthy and important person

I have all 4 forms of pure OCD, I'm 47 been dealing with this since I was around 12. This past year rocd came with so much pain and confusion. I didn't get my first taste of exposure therapy until I was 43. I never communicated as a child. So it has developed into a demon within my mind. As far as the rocd it is complicated, but one theme is if I'm attracted enough to my wife. My wife is my heart, my soul mate, and I am very attracted to my wife. I had such a bad trigger today, at a certain angle I could see some wrinkles or something near her mouth. I instantly went into panic mode, had terrible intrusive thoughts. It's so confusing because we age, it's part of life. But it completely caused me to compulse. I've been doing it for probably 8 hours, I can't even think straight. I was just so focused on the wrinkles, and questions like do I think she's not attractive enough started, and haven't stopped. We all age, I never had any of these thoughts for 10 years. I just don't know how to stop compulising, I feel guilty and scared. But I never had these thoughts before, and I love my wife so much and am very attracted to her. But the OCD was so focused on the wrinkles, I couldn't see anything else, I'm in therapy, but I just don't know how to navigate these thoughts. I'm also bipolar, and an alcoholic who deals with content anxiety and depression. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long message.

I experienced kind of a sexual harassment by my uncle when I was 9 years old, I loved him and wanted to hug him and sleep next to him even I had some feelings that I liked to be caressed in a seducing way, then one night I woke up and saw a white liquid on my leg and got traumatized, didn’t know what that was but since then I started to hate him. After that in my teenage years I began to have ocd symptoms and intrusive sexual thoughts about a celebrity with the urge to tell my parents with all the details and it was a hell for me. I saw lots of doctors, one of them sexually harassed me when I was in my mid twenties when I was telling him about all my intrusive sexual thoughts that I had been experiencing, I told him I thought to myself at home as I was seeing myself in the mirror that I might want the doctor to suck my breasts (that was my intrusive thought) and when I wanted to leave the doctor approached me and tried to kiss me and comment disgustingly on what I had said. I cried so much because I didn’t know who I could trust anymore. Right now I am struggling to be in a relationship because I constantly think I might be bisexual and have to try it out with the same sex, experience threesome, and stuff before being in a serious relationship. My past two relationships ended because I never was sure and peaceful in them having these thoughts. Now I’m doubting all the things I wanted to do and scared to death what if I do all of those things and no one ever want to be my partner in the future because of that. What if no one loves me and I make a horrible mistake by experiencing those stuff. I always think I have had the worst experiences and thoughts that I am ashamed of sharing with others and get so overwhelmed. I shared these to see if anyone else feels the same or had similar traumatizing experiences and struggles.

i cant do this anymore im really tired, i cant keep up with all of these thoughts and all of these themes im just tired and i wish i could choose not to care but some of these things are bothersome to my heart so i cant just ignore it idk im so tired. im seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow to get medicine so thatll be great but still these worries are very real worries and i have absolutely no clue how to address them

Hi my name is Olivia and ever since I was about 10 I’ve struggled with anxiety and OCD. I’m now almost 18 and my anxiety and OCD has not gotten much better. If anything I think the anxiety itself lessened but the OCD increased which causes me distress and anxiety. My big issues have always been heath OCD and worrying about all of the what ifs. A few years ago I also started getting harm OCD and feel like it’s at an all time high right now. Im scared of death yet get these thoughts of what if Im gonna hurt myself or act on an intrusive thought and it causes me to get so upset to the point I’ll just cry. I feel like im literally going crazy and that this will never end and worry that im going to just give into my thoughts one day and I just hate feeling this way. I’ve tried therapy but didn’t like my therapists too much in the past but now im with someone new and will be doing my 3rd session this week. It’s just hard because it takes time and I wish there was an immediate solution and the longer it takes the more anxiety I get worrying about the future. I also have the thought in the back of my mind that no one or anything can help me and it scares me because I know this isn’t the type of person I am and these thoughts are not thoughts I want. I also tried different medicines from my psychologist but none of the ones for OCD did much for me besides Anafranil I haven’t given a good chance and I tried again a couple days ago but the side affects were so tough to deal with that I stopped but I might try again and just try to push through. I’m willing to try like anything just to feel better and it’s hard because I go through ups and downs and during this time of the year or at night I notice myself getting worse and i just hate when I’m in a good place and then get bad again it’s just constant up and downs and I want to get to a steady spot. Sorry for this whole essay lol I just downloaded this app and am just trying to find people who can maybe relate and give advice on things that helped them.

i don’t think i can, i can’t stomach the possibility of these things, or maybe i can (because they might be true and deep down i know that) and just don’t want to and want to pretend it isn’t there. i can’t do ERP, i just want to pretend it isnt there and won’t happen to clarify, i know i have to do ERP, i know it’s necessary; i don’t need to be told this, this is just how i am feeling currently

Ill be honest, I want to write a letter if anything happens, if I loose this battle and put and end to it. But even if my thoughts keep coming, I try to keep my head up, stand up strong and look them at them for what they are, thoughts. I’m still scared, I still can’t go to sleep normally, but I feel a tiny bit of hope. I really hope my feeling is right, I really hope. Whathever happens, I’m still proud of myself, I’m still proud of my achievements, I am proud of me. Whathever happens, please don’t forget This message. Please, don’t forget me

Everytime I get a new ocd event it feels so much worse than the others and I look at the others rationally and think idk why I was worrying about those, THIS is the bad one. And I feel like that right now like it just feels like I actually did something horrible and it’s not ocd idk what to do. I want to get reassurance but it might make it worse cuz sometimes I get anxious after confessing to someone.

I was doing really well but today I woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m real, I can’t believe I’m me.” Like an existential crisis and the whole day I have been really struggling. I don’t want this to develop into a new theme, I have just barely recovered from a horrible contamination ocd episode and I don’t want to go backwards. It feels like everything is just impacting me today and I don’t know why. Any advice?

There’s a famous album cover that features a nude baby, and even though it’s not meant to be inappropriate, my OCD keeps fixating on it in a way that makes me feel guilty and anxious. I know that ERP might involve looking at it neutrally, but I feel really conflicted because it feels wrong to even look for it. My brain has been obsessing over it ever since I saw it in Target yesterday. The compulsion I’m dealing with is the urge to look it up to see how I feel about it, but I really don’t want to give in. I already know I feel uncomfortable looking at it. My goal is to get to a place where I can see it without any strong reaction, but I’m not sure how to reach that point. I don’t want to let this interfere with my life. What do I do?

I find men who are good with children very attractive. Is this weird? This is something that bothers me a little bit, because I fear that it means something. Now that I have been dealing with POCD for 2 years, I have noticed that this feeling has only increased. And I feel like every man that I see, who has a kid, is like so sexy to me??? Is this weird??? I didn’t think about this so much before. And even when I had a boyfriend, I never thought about it very much, so I have no way of knowing if I have been thinking like this my whole life. Even the thought of starting a family with the love of my life who is very handsome and lovely just makes me feel very romantic, like turned on. (I dont even have a man) Just to clarify: I only feel attracted towards adult men but why does the presence of a kid make me feel more attracted/turned on towards the man? Does this mean I’m a p***? Even today, my piano teacher came over (he gives me home lessons) and my mom was babysitting my niece at the same time. I was telling my niece to be quiet, because she was bothering the piano class. At that moment I felt turned on because somehow I felt like the piano teacher would find me attractive, and see that I’m good with kids, because I’m talking to my niece. Like wtf. Now I’m just so worrried. This did not feel like ocd, it felt like I was genuinely turned on. (towards the piano teacher, not the kid) But the thing that bothers me so much, why does the presence of a kid affect my feelings and attractions towards other people? Does this mean I’m a sick person? Wtf do I do? I know I have ocd and have had it since I was five, but this is just something that doesn’t feel like ocd. Is this bad?? Has anyone experienced anything similar??? I feel like dying it just keeps getting realer everyday. Please share if you know this feeling. Please help.

I’m feeling like I can’t get out of my head that I’m not a good person. Everything I am checking to “make sure” idk what I’m trying to make sure of but I’m very insecure about this and it causes me a lot of distress. Every word that sounds like it could be something else, sounding very inappropriate and thinking people can hear it too makes me feel very embarrassed. I feel very alone in this and I’m unsure of what to do.

I can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend with old crushes or people he found attractive I play images of it in my head on repeat all day long. So I have started a system where I make him promise he only likes me, gets turned on by me, and finds me attractive currently. It has gotten excessive and I make him promise at least multiple times and hour and if I see anything that reminds me of the old crushes I get triggered. I know me asking him to promise and reassure so many times is a compulsion and I physically can stop but everything in me screams no. My therapist and I have been trying EMDR which I really dislike because when talking about the “traumatic event” which is a dramatic way of saying me finding out about my boyfriends old crushes I feel the need to reach out and find validation from him. I think my therapist thinks that I have OCD because of some traumas but I really feel like i was born like this and that I have always had compulsions since I could talk. I am not sure what to think or do but I seriously need help with the whole asking for reassurance thing because when he doesn’t do I have panic attacks and threaten stuff I don’t mean in order for him to realize I need to hear. I don’t know how to stop and he didn’t say tonight before bed and its really bothering me so I have to reread his old messages again or something bad. I just wish someone who relates could give me some advice or suggest therapies for OCD other than EMDR and CBT which is what I am doing. I hate having to let this affect my relationship and hurt him but I feel like I have to be reassured.

So I was on a hat chat gpt and it said that people who are non-offenders experience distress and anxiety and disgust and depression and they feel ashamed of being a non-offender like WHAT like that's honestly terrifying and I'm so scared because that's how I've been feeling like when I'm out I get anxiety too especially when I see a younger person I always been attracted to MEN my whole life can people turn into monsters and I don't even care if they have problems if there attracted to kids then there sick in the head like don't care like this has been sharing me soo much and the worst part about it is that they said some are in denial or suppress their attractions I'm so done...... I can not do this this is too much I would rather be gone from this earth than find out that I might be one like you have to be kidding me if you're attracted to young people and desire that you're sick and dead to me you're a monster I don't care like its disgusting. for this eole some people are suffering from POCD like me are scared to think about that and I'm terrified.

I feel like it's got to a point that I just can't deal with stuff on my own anymore. I've tried to help myself with compulsions and thoughts and behaviours and it helps to an extent but I feel like I just need more help. But I don't even know where to start, I've felt so ignored in the past and I don't even know where you can turn to. I'm in the UK so it's difficult, especially considering I'm only 17, to get any help for this kind of thing. I just want someone to talk to, something to help – medication, maybe? I want to try it, I want to see if it would stop the overthinking for a while. Stuff isn't as bad as it has been before, but I feel like I can't just leave this anymore. I just don't know who to turn to or where to go from here.

Hello, I am a young girl struggling with OCD, specifically existential related OCD. I feel constantly like my life is pointless, like my goals aren’t significant, because, I’m just going to be forgotten and die. What is the point? I don’t want to get old and not be able to do what I love. Sometimes I wonder if not existing would be easier, but I don’t want to die yet. It’s really confusing, and I’d love some tips I could get for motivation. I really want to be spiritual, but I struggle in believing in stuff so…?

Going through a ready hard time rn. Anyone have advice for how they get out of rough patches with their ocd. It’s completely taken over my life the past two days and I feel like all I do is sleep and have this knowing anxiety.

Everyday I wake up worse knowing my exes face is still stuck at the back of my head, lovebombing me for months just to want to split one random Friday in November. The only relief I get is when I am asleep and even then that’s not enough. My happiness was ripped away from me and I don’t know if I should call the suicidal hotline again questioning what direction my life should go after. It feels like a part of me has died and I want to get a lobotomy just to forget all the time I spent with him that is now is just a distant memory I’ll never get back. How do I go on with life knowing he took my happiness with him

does anyone feel like they’re breaking their own heart over and over again. No wonder this hurts so badly. I’m literally putting myself through break ups in my head over and over and it’s horrible. My mom always used to say that it seemed like i was putting myself through a breakup everyday without actually having one. I don’t want to break up at all. My boyfriend is amazing and sure we have some differences but i love him. He’s the most amazing guy. My mind recently though has been saying “you don’t love him, you can’t stay with him just because he’s a good guy you need to love him” BUT I DO. that’s what i don’t understand. Nothing changed besides me developing really terrible relationship anxiety. One day after my first year of university (which was very stressful and i was super anxious during) I just had a panic attack. For some reason all of my stress landed on my relationship (probably because it’s so important to me). I started to see his possible flaws and our possible differences (ones that are so small like having different hobbies) and i ran with that. I spiraled into a depression i couldn’t eat or sleep, i was throwing up even if my bf and i just talked on the phone. It was so hard i could hardly see him and it was terrible because i still loved him and wanted us. I went on a week vacation with him and faced my fears- by the end of the week i had completely gotten rid of compulsions and i was so happy to be with him i felt healed and i felt like i never wanted to leave his side. Once i got back though and we were apart again this all came back. It’s so relentless. Now i am doing better in that i can stay over with him and i try my best to be present and to bring myself down when having really bad intrusive thoughts- but it’s still so hard. I feel like im lying. I know that we do have some differences but i know that they’re not deal breakers AT ALL. I’m so scared that my intrusive thoughts are going to lead me to shut myself off and resent him almost. My mood literally fluctuates by the minute. Earlier i felt good and then a few hours later i sobbed. How do i stop breaking my own heart? I want to love him in the same way he loves me. I love him so much but it feels clouded with doubt. If anyone relates to this that would be great. I don’t think if i just fell out of love that i would have a panic attack, fall into a depression, fight so hard to be with him, have some really amazing moments with him. This has to be ROCD. I remind myself that all the time.