Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hello, at the risk of seeking reassurance, I wanted to see if anyone else here had experienced what I consider a strange thought process in my ocd. I have suffered from harm and existential themes for around 4 months now, with the existential themes having stemmed from the initial fear that I could become a violent person (triggered by something I read online). Before I knew better I would argue and engage excessively with the thoughts to try and disprove them. This led me to tread into very dark and strange philosophical territory. For example: I would tell myself that there’s no way that I could hurt someone because I am repulsed by the thought and I know that if I ever were to cause harm, I would feel awful. But logic doesn’t work on this, so my brain would then suggest that I could still hurt someone despite not wanting to because I could actually somehow want to feel awful. This led to a lot of bizarre thoughts about whether I actually want good things for myself and what essentially amounts to an identity crisis and fears that I am in denial and actually have some sort of evil shadow self that I’ve been unaware of my whole life. As if the more I tried to reason my way out of it, the more I lost touch with reason. I don’t want any reassurance, just looking for some commonality and maybe encouragement to keep working on getting better.

I went out to eat with mom yesterday, we were having a good time and my intrusive thoughts were , but suddenly while eating pasta using a fork I started having random images of me hurting her and the people at the other table with the fork (ridiculous right?) I’ve never had thoughts or fears regarding forks, I don’t consider them dangerous, it was mainly sharp knives or sharp scissors that scared me. But this happened out of the blue and the visuals I had felt very real, and was having commands and scenarios playing over and over in my heaf to harm my mom and these strangers. I got that scared I started visibly sweating and my eyes watery bc I was about to cry, my mom asked me if I was ok but ofc I was not going to ruin the moment even tho she knows about my harm ocd. It got even worse when the urges started that made me feel I was seconds away of doing something and the images became so violent and even replayed a scene of a whole outcome that would happen if I did the thing I feared the most. This was crazy af, I wanted to get up from there so bad and flee to the restroom to cry out, but I just needed to pretend and continue behaving as normal as I could so mom wouldn’t get worried, so I continued eating with the fork all the while havign thoughts, urges and visuals. It eventually passed and I didn’t harm anyone of course but it was horrific and ruined my entire day. I don’t understand why this is happening to me!! My mom is the most important person in my life, I love her more than anything and can’t imagine being without her, i would never do that horrible thing!! I am plagued by the fear of living like this for the rest of my life, as ocd doesn’t go away, it’s a lifelong disorder!! I’d rather be dead than living w this forver. The urges are the scariest thing of this disorder, it feels like i’m holding back and I could do it any second, which is the last thing I’d want. Today I woke up nauseated and crying a river bc what was looking as a perfect day got ruined once again. F**k this. Anybody had a similar episode? I just feel so alone..

Hi everyone. This is my first post so go easy on me. I’m a male, mid-30’s who has suffered with OCD for at least 10 years, but only more recently (4-5 years) have I been ‘aware’ of it. I struggle with ROCD (amongst other subtypes) and it has/still is causing me great distress and affecting my home & work life tremendously. I have been with my partner for 16 years and taking OCD out of the equation for a moment - we are happy and content. Our relationship suffers when my ROCD spikes and I have a tendency to either confess everything, or if I’m able to keep things to myself, very much go into my shell and stay very quiet. The way it manifests with me is on a “what have I done wrong (in the relationship)” kind of way. As you might expect - mistakes/indiscretions/morality questions. But always, always relating to the past. I can usually use the various tools I’ve learned over the years to try and sit with the feelings of guilt/shame/loneliness etc, but sometimes it is really hard to move forward if I’m feeling particularly stuck. I’ve got to the point now where I’m reviewing events which happened before we even got together. An example: At the very beginning I was aware that my partner liked me because I’d been told via a 3rd party. I liked her too, so I sent her a message on Facebook asking her on a date. I then went on a boys holiday (I am 18 years old at this point). During the holiday, stuff happened which (if in a relationship) would undoubtedly be classed as cheating. When I got back from my holiday I looked at my Facebook messages and found a reply from her saying she would like to go on a date with me. Fast forward 16 years and we are engaged, have an amazing daughter & are going to be welcoming another little one early in 2025. Within all of this for some reason I cannot shake the OCD on my back telling me that what happened on the boys holiday was cheating. I fall into the usual traps and try to reason with it: how did I know she would accept my date invitation? How did I know we would even get on and be where we are today? I didn’t know. But despite this sound logic it just keeps coming for me with: you knew she liked you so why did you act single on holiday? Or you knew she would accept your date invitation? On one hand I know I am being utterly ridiculous and it is not reasonable to suggest I should have acted any other way than as a single person on this trip. But on the other I am looking at it from the standpoint of where we are today, almost as if it’s just happened. Has anyone suffered with this sort of thing and if so, how have you overcome it without feeling like you’re keeping a massive secret from your other half? Thank you.

TW I told my dad what ocd is and what the thoughts are like and he said step away from me right now and that I deserve to be locked up I don’t know what to do

I am wanting to go to therapy to hopefully lower my OCD symptoms but I am terrified to tell anyone else, like a therapist, about my intrusive thoughts. Has anyone else had this experience and if so how did you get over it?

hello, i’m having a bit of a spiral so here it goes. if you have soocd and went on deep dives you have probably seen the story where the girl has soocd, but come out at her feared orientation, which is gay. big trigger for a lot of us. but i found that the only difference is she had past memories of being gay and then had hocd trying to convince herself that she’s straight not gay. mines similar in a way but i never had memories of being gay(ofc my ocd brain gets to tell me otherwise and will try and fake memories) and am just trying to figure out if im straight but also trying to figure out if i could be gay i was doing so good because i finally was like okay im still gonna have these soocd thoughts but i finally feel like okay i can say that im gonna come out of this straight because i don't have a history of being gay growing up. then this happens: i just saw a coming out story where a girl showed no signs of being gay had crushes on boys and dated boys and said she was fully boy crazy and even dreamed of like disney fairytales. she said the only thing was that she just sometimes didn’t want to hangout with her boyfriends. (like hello that's me). BUT THEN SHE WAS GAY! then i looked up if that happens a lot and google said yes it does, people don't have ANY signs of being gay when they are younger jen’s one cases i know ive been diagnosed with hocd and it's said the small percentage of people who have hocd and come out there feared sexuality and had pervious knowledge of being gay in there youth. BUT THIS GIRL DIDNT. so what if i have hocd, didn't show signs when i was younger, and am actually gay (the only difference between me and her is that i have hocd and im not comfortable with these thoughts and when she found out she was comfortable with these thoughts. but what if i accept these thoughts and get comfortable with being gay) i guess i just want to know im not alone.

Hi there, I broke up with my boyfriend this morning. We were dating for about 4 and a half months, but it was quite serious. I have been dealing with feelings of rOCD with him ever since we started talking. We have the same values, similar likes & dislikes, and I have felt like I have been able to be my true self with him. I never experienced the "infatuation" period with him and that has always thrown me off with our relationship. I didn't realize I was experiencing rOCD, or even OCD until about a month into our relationship. I told him about my OCD and he was very understanding, however, he questioned if the rOCD was actually me just not having feelings for him. He kept saying "if I keep having doubts about the relationship, that's not OCD, that's just what I want". I can't help but want to disagree with this. I broke up with him this morning because it just felt like we weren't getting anywhere and not on the same page. I was struggling with knowing what I want in the future. Sidenote: I am a strong Christian and I have a huge fear of getting married, but I know I want to get married one day and have children. I am questioning if I did the right thing. I am questioning if I am a terrible person because of this. I have been doing ERP with a therapist here at NOCD, but I'm scared I don't actually have OCD. I'm just doing this to hide the fact I don't have true feelings for my bf. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? No advice please. I just want to know I'm not alone.

How would I do a ERP session on my own? I need some tips

I have a question My OCD has felt almost invisible the past few weeks and now that is starting to stress me out a lot. Right now I am at a point in my treatement where I was asked if I would like to take medication. I told my therapist this week that I would like to try the medication based on how miserable I feel in during OCD flare ups. But now my brain always tells me that I only go throught this treatement etc. to seek attention and that I am just dramatic and should be ashamed of myself for wanting to take this medication. So now I am doubting if I should take the medication or not. Any advice?

so i am struggling with something triggered by a real event, i’m not sure what my intentions were behind it and i can’t remember all i remember thinking is “did i just (thing)?” and then getting flushed with a fire sensation and it felt like my throat was on fire. i freaked out and spiraled and tried neutralizing the thought but it didn’t work, and it really felt like i really did just do the thing i didn’t want to do before i thought “did i just (thing)” i was thinking things like “am i doing this (thing)? no way right? what if i did?” and i remember not really changing what i was doing almost as if i wanted to do the thing im afraid of. everytime i think of this my stomach drops, and when i think back on this event i just remember myself feeling like i wanted to “test the waters” which, if true … eugh :( something i don’t understand is seeing people say “i know it’s OCD but-“, how do they know it’s OCD? i can’t tell if mine is OCD and stemming from that or if i really did do something bad.

I can’t concentrate on anything because of those thoughts and urges my head is hurt I’m afraid I’m going to fail my test even though I know the material. I have thought/urge in my mind all day and I’m annoyed that it’s here all day I can’t do anything what if I never be able to concentrate never? I’m terrified I have important test tomorrow and in 2 days I didn’t learn. I feel like a failure. I’m afraid what if the urge/ thought be big in the test and I wouldn’t be able to focus on the test and fail?? I’m terrified

I feel like I want to throw up I’m think I’m having Groinal response for like 4 days none stood I can’t stop crying. When I’m hyper focused it’s terrible I feel it. I’m afraid I’m doing it on purpose and when I’m thinking I’m having the Groinal on purpose I have a specific intrusive thoughts that kills me it’s on someone specific I want to throw up . I feel super bad it’s for four days in a row I can’t stop crying I hate that feeling. I think i move my groin on purpose to the thought it’s every second of the day. I feel like I want to throw up I feel horrible I never felt like this. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought I don’t I swear I feel carzy and it’s a specific thought with specific person. I just broke down in front of my parents again I can’t live like this. I’m a bad person. It’s just that I get the urge down there to move my groin and I’m not doing this purpose to the thought but they come and I feel horrible. It’s like this all day I could feel my going and I have the urge to move it and a spesific imag shows up I want to throw up. It’s been horrible 4 days what if I’m a p I don’t want to be one I want to throw up now can’t stop crying. Please why me why me why me what if I’m a p ? I don’t want to be one. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought but it’s happen because of a stopid urge and because I hyper focus. What if I’m move my groin purposely to the thought??? No no no omg. I can’t live like this omg whattt? I feel like a monster? How will I live a normal life? When I can’t pass the day??? Nothing helps not therapy not medication so maybe it’s means I’m a p and a bad person I don’t want to be one. But my stopid mind is always against me I want to throw up. I just cried in front of my parents again and they got mad again omg I’m terrified I barely could sleep at night. What if I do it on purpose ?? What if I’m a one? What if I never live a normal life? I can’t do it

I’m not sure if this is part of my ocd, but I work a desk job where I’m on computers all day, which causes me neck pain. The problem is that I can’t seem to stop stretching my neck and trying to get it to pop. But the non stop stretching makes my neck hurt more, which then feeds into my need to “fix” it. The reason I think it might be ocd is that it started due to my mom warning me about my posture about 9ish years ago, and has gotten progressively worse. It hardly bothers me outside of work, unless I’m in class. Most of my compulsions are mental so I’m not sure how to cope with physical compulsions. Writing reports at work usually takes me 2hrs max but it took about 4.5 today due to this issue.

Adults only When browsing for porn, does anyone get really disgusting results that have nothing to do with their search at all? Stuff that is clearly not fine or disturbing when you search for very basic things. It triggers my POCD like crazy and I hate it so much

I felt like I was stuck in a rut on my old medication so I talked with my psychiatrist and we decided I’d try Viibryd. I tapered onto it at 10mg and the first week was a bit rough, and the last 6 days have been horrific. My OCD has been the worst it’s been in years, and I think this is the most intense it’s ever been in such a short period of time. My suicide OCD* has been on my mind constantly, and it has felt so insanely real. Like I’m just one thought, or one moment away from hurting myself. I’ve also really been struggling with my existential OCD because I’ve been feeling so terrified that things feel surreal, and the idea of feeling normal, caring about normal things, and going about life seem so alien to me. And it ties into my suicide OCD. Like despite all of the work I’ve done in ERP (4+ years) it’s come flooding in, and it’s so severe that I’ve been in survival mode the past 5 days. I talked with my psychiatrist and therapist yesterday and it helped a lot. I’m going back to a medication I know works and taking abilify as a booster. But my psych says it’ll be about 3 days until I feel better, and about a week until I feel myself again. And I’m just scared that I’ll never feel normal again. That everything will feel like a simulation or meaningless, or that I’ll never feel comfortable with my own existence again. I know it’s not true, but this in-between period of the chemicals in my brain trying to balance back out is just exhausting and grueling to get through. I’ve been super nauseous (probably a mix of my bad medication and my ocd episode) and even the thought of food makes me feel ill, so I’ve been force feeding myself with bland protein shakes. And I feel awful saying this, but today I napped partially because I was tired and partially because I just wanted to avoid being awake so I wouldnt have a panic attack. I wanna go back to the little things bringing me joy, yearning to draw and paint, and being able to genuinely smile despite my anxiety. I don’t want reassurance or anything. Maybe some support or words of encouragement. Or maybe tips on how to get food in without gagging until my meds even out. (Just to distance ocd from reality for one second, my suicide OCD is ego dystonic and doesn’t actually reflect my desires, so objectively I am not a harm to myself right now. My ocd is just trying to convince me it is actually how I feel)

I jut read a reddit post of a person telling the story of their brother who suffers from ocd and schizo affective disorder, he has intruusive violent thoughts and he tried to stab his brother with a butter knife and threatened to kill everyone in the house hold and had to be hospitalized and all the coments were saying that he shouldbe locked up forever and because he is a threat to himself or others and these disorders make him dangerous. I shouldn't have read that, worst mistake, now I have unbearable anxiety and feel a panic attack coming, bc this person who had ocd acted on his thoughts and amost hurt his brother and makes me terrified believeing all my fears are validated. Someone please help I am literally shaking!!

I’m terrified to go to my grandparents alone tomorrow because what if my harm ocd flares up? I love my grandparents more than anything, they’ve always been by my side and I’m scared of losing them, what if my intrusive thoughts/urges take over??? I’m not sure what to do. I know I should go just to expose myself but I’m so tired of doing that and nothing changes:( I’ve experienced this when going over my dads because there’s two babies there. I’m not sure what to do. I sometimes look at people and think, “they don’t think/having urges of harming other people, why do I do?” Sorry for the vent.

Guys, I discussed this with a therapist, and it’s something I want to share with you. If you’re considering whether or not to take medication—both of which are completely valid choices—let me just say this when making your decision: Medications are not a long-term solution. Period. True healing only begins when you can completely and fully do without medication. In the beginning, they help with stability during exposures, and I totally understand that. But they won’t help you, if you decide to stop taking them at some point and that stability is no longer there. As hard as it may sound, and as tough as it is, real healing starts when we no longer need medication for our exposures. I know it’s hard, and I don’t want to discourage you or anything like that, I just want to tell you the truth. It’s absolutely OKAY (i did too for a time) if you decide to take medication, and in the beginning, they should help you, but please think long-term and consider it carefully. Wish u all the best ❤️

I had a period of really good mental health but it seems to have fallen into the OCD cycle again, and my brain has a specific cycle for which subtypes it gets stuck on in which order. So some background: I'm almost 100% certain I have PCOS, and it comes with an absence of periods in total but my body doesn't entirely get the memo. I get no bleeding but I get pain and back cramps but most importantly my OCD symptoms skyrocket. My symptoms have been bad for almost a week, and I checked the dates and they match up, just like the previous months. At first it was Relationship OCD where I couldn't get out of my head about my friends hating me or me being annoying and them abandoning me. Not the greatest time but I survived. And then the SO-OCD decided to act up again. And I was surviving that even if it wasn't great. And then the long-dormant P-OCD reared it's ugly head. And I'm a high school *teacher*! It was *supposed* to go away being around my students bc apparently that's great exposure therapy! And it doesn't really flare up around my students either! I get flashes of intrusive thoughts but they go away immediately and I get no OCD symptoms. But I started to fall back into the PJO fandom, and I keep seeing things about the show and I was so excited about it but I could only barely get through the first episode bc children and OCD. But the kids are younger, like 12 to 14, and my OCD went so overdrive I had to stop looking at stuff for PJO. But then my dad and I watched Home Alone 2 and I had to constantly look at my phone because OCD was going into overdrive again. I would rather hurt myself than do anything to a child or want anything from a child but damn it my brain can't get the memo! That's the cycle too; first it starts with the relationship OCD, then the sexual orientation OCD, and then it spirals into the P-OCD. And I'm just on my bed disgusted with myself and my brain is trying to get me to accept that I'm bi and/or gay (which like...not the end of the world on its own) and that I'm a horrible horrible person who wants to hurt kids. And I refuse. If I ever get to that point I will check myself into a mental institution and never leave. Does anyone else struggle like me? Does anyone else have cyclical OCD subtypes? Or fall back into old patterns?

I was at the mall and I'm 19f, me and my friend were grabbing food and looking for a table to sit and I wanted to near these boys I saw, I guess just for attention. I did not realize they were like young teenagers until I actually looked at them when we got close. I thought they'd be around my age, maybe 16-17 years old I really don't know what I was thinking. But whenever I saw they were definitely younger (I have bad eyesight I can't see very well even with contacts) I got up from that table and moved away and just felt disgusted the entire time with myself that I wanted attention or wanted to be seen by them. I feel awful and it really triggered my POCD. What can I do? I'm not a pedo, I know for sure, it just still feels disgusting. Can anyone help?