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Hi How to deal with a fucked up narcissistic mom that caused me to have ocd ?????? I have so much anger towards her and idk how to let it out.

I made a comment that was stereotypical, and now I feel like a huge racist. I promise that I didn’t mean it with any ill intent. I meant it with admiration. I don’t know why I feel bad. I’m the most anti-racist person in my family and I constantly thrive to be better. I don’t know why I’m freaking out. Oh my god. Why is this happening? I know what my intentions were. I feel so scared of being judged oh my god

Here is my OCD, it is several. Read this in full: The first is that I have a crush on an actress from a concert in 2015. I have a picture of her. I know weird, but we all have our peculiarities. The actress at the time is **17 years** (but would turn 18 in 30 days) and is a senior in **high school** I am currently **19 years and 10 months**. I am a sophomore in **college**. Thus the age gap is *1 year and 11 months and a 2 grade difference. My first OCD source of anxiety is that I will be **20** and the age gap will become **2 years and 2 months**. (The actress’s age won’t change as it is of a photo from 2015) and on top of that there will be a two grade difference. I feel guilty knowing that. My second OCD is magical OCD or real event OCD. Remember that image I was talking about of the actress in 2015. I am beginning to doubt if it was from 2015. The time stamp and caption and all else point to her being 2015, but I am afraid there is a second, 100% identical image (down to the pixel) of that actress from 2008 (when the actress was a child) and that every time I access the image from 2015, I am actually accessing the supposed image from 2008. I have no proof of such an image though. What about the time stamp under the image? I convinced myself that someone accidentally or deliberately changed the year of that image from 2008 to 2015. (The actress was 17-18 in 2015 and 10-11 in 2008, and somehow I managed to convince myself that the actress looked the same across the 9 years). I am sorry if I sound pushy, but I don’t know how to deal with both sources of anxiety. I don’t know how to do ERP for any of this. I would love a one on one therapy session but I don’t have money nor do I want anything on my medical records.

Hello! My name is Tina. I’ve never posted before but I’ve been a member for about a year and wanted to introduce myself. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, but I've suffered from extreme germaphobic/contamination paranoia habits and compulsions since I was a young child in addition to powerful, obsessive rumination and intrusive thoughts and emotions. I've relied on the NOCD app before while I was still trying to grasp if my psychological functions and way of life reflected behaviors caused by OCD before I was diagnosed. I am new to Illinois as a music grad student at Northwestern and my germaphobic tendencies have worsened. This has been a detriment to both my physical and mental health as I constantly expose myself to harmful cleaning chemical fumes every day from overly sanitizing myself and things around me. In addition, I have more severe emotional reckonings that change my outlook of my entire demeanor and day, which daily affect my social life and ability to function normally outside of my mind and pursue my music degree. However, I am very happy to be receiving therapy and using NOCD.

What’s good times to feed your cat? And how many times? I’m getting a cat and was wondering to be safe, the cat I’m planning to get is 3-4 months old and is a female (she’s spayed) ANY cat tips is needed! I want to be the best I can be!

The last 5 months of my life have left me heartbroken, battered and bruised from the inside out 💔 5 months ago; I ended my 14 year relationship with my former partner. Someone who I was in a relationship with from 18-32 years old. The relationship was tragically ended after the first 5 months of the year had been the demise of us. Initially, my ex had been terminated from his employment due to being accused of embezzling money from his company for the past 2 years. At first, he claimed his innocence, but eventually had confessed his guilt to me. From there and despite me standing by his side after having been made aware of his wrongdoings; it was the beginning of the end of us. Our entire lives had started to cave in as each month passed and the pressure from the situation caved in on us in all different areas and aspects of our lives. Eventually, it had caused such a strain on our relationship; that I decided to make the executive decision to end our relationship in June. It was 2 weeks after having broken up, but still remaining under the same roof; that we had gotten into our worst domestic dispute to date. The police were called, an arrest was made against him, a restraining order/order of protection were put in place for my safety and he was removed from our then home indefinitely. From there, I was solely responsible for the upkeep of our home, taking care of our 5 dogs (children), two large size fish tanks, snake and axolotl. In addition to being solely responsible for taking care of myself financially, etc. from that point forward. I had to put our home up for sale (what the domestic dispute was over), start to pay my own car payment, insurance, etc. The list of responsibilities was endless. Aside from the financial aspect of the breakup; I also had to conduct all open houses, private showings, etc. all the while managing our 5 dogs by myself, entirely. We’d lived in that home for what would have been 5 years together; a home that I put the security deposit down on all by myself at the age of 27 years young. A 5-figure down payment I ultimately had to sacrifice in the selling of our home because he refused to reimburse me at closing. For 5 months; I stood imprisoned in that home by myself living in purgatory while it withered away from the inside out. I literally physically saw the demise of it break down with my own two eyes and had to endure what that did to me mentally, emotionally and physically over the last 5 months. All the while; might I add, that I’d been a “House Husband (homemaker)” our entire relationship. Until, ultimately being forced to change that in an emergency situation that unfortunately presented itself due to his illegal activities. As of last week; I had 3 days to find a new place to live, hire a moving company, pack up an entire home and all that was mentioned in it above, move to my new residence and now ultimately unpack, settle in, etc. Again, all by myself; while having been mentally, emotionally and physically unstable at this point. I’ve been forthcoming about all of the details within my story, but it’s all that I have left out (you can only imagine); that truly, eats away at me. All the while, I hadn’t seen, spoken to, etc. my ex for the last 5 months, but decides to contact me within the 3 days mentioned for the first time since June for his “Closure.” Meanwhile, earlier in the week; last week, I had unfortunately crossed paths with him (unknowingly) and witnessed him on what was confirmed to be a “Date,” at a restaurant I introduced him to that I frequented at. As if witnessing that in-person wasn’t gut-wrenching enough; he had the audacity to contact me by text message, phone call and multiple e-mails (against court orders, mind you); for his, “Closure.” Adding insult to injury; the holiday’s/Christmas are my favorite time of year since childhood and they’re extremely sentimental to me as well. Details of which he’s obviously been aware of over the past 14 years. Needless to say; my entire holiday season this year has been entirely sabotaged by both him and all of the above circumstances mentioned above. To say that I lack the “Holiday Spirit,” this year; would be an understatement and I was once suicidal during the holiday season/Christmas in 2020 due to my Harm, etc. OCD. But this holiday season; after these past 5 months and the havoc they’ve caused to my life as I once knew it, the lives of my 5 dogs (children), etc. I am truly shaken to the core in a devastatingly catastrophic way. However, I’d like to state that I am safe now. I have since relocated successfully and I intend on putting my best foot forward (despite all odds stacked against me); for not only myself, but my 5 dogs (children), etc. because they all both depend and rely on me and are ultimately what give me the strength, courage, etc. to be motivated to keep going! And so, I wrap this story up by stating that I am truly concerned (scared) for a negative relapse on my mental health. I have been in both recovery and remission for ex amount of time now from my chronic OCD, major depressive disorder and severe anxiety disorder. With all of the above being said; I ask, I beg and I plead with anyone/everyone was has taken the time to read this post in its entirety (thank you, wholeheartedly); to keep me, my 5 dogs (children), etc. in your thoughts and prayers this holiday season and into the new year ahead of us. Again, thank you to anyone/everyone whohas taken the time to read my post and gain a glimpse of my story/into our lives as of the year and especially these past 5 months. I wholeheartedly; thank you all and am both grateful and appreciative! Sending love, compassion and support to all those suffering from the monster and battling the beast that is OCD 💌 Happy Holiday’s 🎅🎄🎁

I’m having a very bad evening with my intrusive thoughts. I was doing really good dealing with them but tonight one hit me hard. I’ve been having a lot of different intrusive thoughts but I’ll have one occasionally about hurting my mom or my dog who I love and they’re the only family I have in my life. They’re my world. I was helping my mom put away the dishes and I had the big kitchen knife in my hand and my intrusive thought was you could stab your mom. And then my brain said I had a twitch in my hand and that meant I wanted to do it. Let me just say that I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I actually caught a fly in a glass and put it outside instead of killing it this evening before this intrusive thought happened. I’m such a gentle and compassionate and caring person and these thoughts instantly cause me to have a panic attack. And I have no one to talk to them about. I know they’re hard for my mom to hear and I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I do desperately want to tell her and have her reassure me that I’m not crazy or a psycho. Then my thoughts wander to if your hand did flinch could you be a psychopath. Is hurting someone in you. I know it’s not but I feel like my mind is out to get me and hurt me. I’m working so hard and I thought I was doing so good but I need to know why I have these thoughts. They’re not ok. I need someone to help me make sense of why. I know we aren’t supposed to ruminate but I shouldn’t have thoughts like this about people I love and care about the most in the world.

It certainly sounds easy. But what they don’t tell us is how excruciatingly difficult it is. How terrifying it feels. How you feel like you need to drive right then and admit yourself because you feel like you’re going crazy. They don’t say how your brain feels like it’s on fire and how all your worst fears feel like they are about to happen.

Anyone else have the fear of blacking out/having a psychotic break and harming others or myself/having no control of your body? Any tips on how to deal with this or anyone who’s recovered from this? It’s probably been my worst yet - the fear of having no control over my body or my actions.

I have asked my psychiatrist to try and increase my dose of sertraline from 200 mg, which is the max recommended dosage, to at least 225mg (studies have shown that in more severe Ocd cases, doses even up to 400 mg can really make the difference), but he refused. The reason he gave me was a possibility of developing the serotonin syndrome. Instead he prescribed an anti-psychotic, quetiapine in addition to the 200mg of Zoloft. He said it is what all psychiatrists prescribe in such cases. It has got nothing to do with the fact that I do not have any of the psychotic disorders, it just puts the cherry on the top of the sertraline cake. I am a vegan, try to eat as healthy as possible. On one hand, sertraline saves my life, it really is a blessing to me, but at the same time, on the other hand, it causes a long and hard range of physical problems. 10 years ago, and now again. After I reach the 100mg dose, I start gaining weight abnormally, my blood pressure rockets sky high, my LDL cholesterol is way too high, and I get diabetes 2. It all calms down only when I get to the 200mg of Zoloft. Interesting. Lower doses cause more problems than higher. In 2023 I gained about 27kg in 6 months. No diet, no exercise, no fasting, nothing works, I just can't lose weight on my own without medication. I ended up in hospital due to my super high blood pressure for 8 days in August 2023. Since then till now I have been to all possible specialists (cardiologist, neurologist, endocrinologist, diabetologist,....) to exclude all other possible culprits for all my problems. Every single one of them concluded that sertraline is the only one which is to blame, but since without Zoloft I have no life, and my life with it is like 90% better, it is better not to change it for another medicine and risk other complications. Instead, we should treat all the physical illnesses and conditions with the appropriate medications. It was a hell of a ride. So I went to the pharmacy and got the Kventiax (quetiapine). I read the patient directions for use. Among the very common side effects are: developing diabetes or worsening the existing condition, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, gaining a lot of weight, heart attack,... All the conditions I have been dealing with for a year and trying to get them under control with medications and guidance from specialists. I must say, I was very disappointed with my psychiatrist. He seemed to be ok, but now... he is well aware of all the health issues I have to fight because of sertraline and he prescribed a medicine that significantly worsens all of them. I refuse to take it. Instead, I contacted the very manufacturer of both Zoloft (Asentra) and Kventiax (quetiapine) and asked about the higher doses than max recommended of sertraline for ocd, about the serotonin syndrome and about my fears about quetiapine. Not only did they confirm that quetiapine very very commonly (in more than one patient out of ten) causes all the above mentioned problems, but that it is common knowledge among doctors and pharmaceutical professionals that even the lowest amounts of it can easily cause the serotonin syndrome. They stated that due to the law they can not recommend to go over the 200mg of Zoloft, but that studies show that higher doses are beneficial to some patients with ocd and that the side effects do not increase at all. There is no blood or other test to make sure that one hasn't developed the serotonin syndrome, but close cooperation of a patient and their psychiatrist can monitor it well. They basically said that if I was to change anything, it would be much smarter to increase the already existing medication (Zoloft), than introducing any other new one. I am now totally disappointed with my psychiatrist. My trust in him is on very weak legs. I am angry and sad and disappointed at the same time. He knew about all I've been through, he knows about all the medications I am taking and he bluntly refused to do what I know 100%sure would mean the world of a difference to my mental health and instead he prescribed an additional new medication, that could very possibly have killed me. I need to talk to him somehow. I am seeing him at the end of January. I have a possibility to call him, to ask for his email and send it all to him or to print it all out and send it to him via regular post. I don't know how to approach it. How do I tell him that he might have killed me. That I am an individual end not just one of all other people with ocd. How that I am terribly disappointed and feel like I can't trust his decisions with ease and confidence any longer. And that it made me feel hurt when he sort of cynically dismissed my suggestion by saying, yeah those Americans and their studies. What words do I use? I have a strong fear of conflicts. I usually come across people who when you express your opinion that is not like theirs or is in a way a show of their wrongdoings, that they become verbally aggressive, they attack and I usually become as small as a pea or my blood pressure raises and I try to get a word in edgewise so that I can stop them from walking all over me. It's always my fault and never theirs. I would greatly appreciate if you told me what you would do, how would you react and what would you say to him or write to him (my psychiatrist) if you were in my shoes. I don't want to argue with him or insult him, but I would like to tell him what he did wrong. This is serious. He could have killed me with his careless prescription of quetiapine. I am sorry for the length of the post (as usually). I just wanted to tell you the whole situation so that I could get some advice from you that could help me do what I need to do. Thank you in advance for being there when I need someone to lean on. All the best to all of you. 🙏

This should be common sense, but unfortunately I stumble down these rabbit holes and subreddits because I have a complicated health problem, and am trying to seek a similar community. I have sought out medical advice with no real conclusion and ocd anxiety makes things worse so I guess this is a form of compulsion? I’m not exactly sure anymore. Anyways, I had a strange experience last night where I had a bit of swelling and discomfort in my mouth and fingers. I took an antihistamine just in case, and the issue resolved itself. I posted in a histamine intolerance subreddit asking if anyone has experienced similar as there was no known trigger. Well, someone told me it was anaphylaxis and that I had to be more careful with what I ate. Anaphylaxis is already a trigger of mine, and although I know logically it couldn’t have been, the opinion of another person feels like confirmation. I am now afraid to eat or drink because of it. I am unsure if posting on subreddits was a compulsion now but please be careful with anything like that. It can make things so much worse.

i feel like im posting here very often bc i want answers. its a compulsion. should i delete in order for me to stop looking for reasurance

Have you ever engaged in a thought and only left you more confused?

I am scared I did something wrong. Basically my original fear was that when I put my phone in charge with my mom’s charger that the charger touched somewhere gross somehow and nobody was at home with me to deny that it wasn’t true. Basically I wanted to see if it was even possible because it was bothering me so much and I was crying. Obviously I didn’t put it in the gross area but I just tested to see if the charger would go in my sweatpants waistband and it didn’t and I did this in the living room like I wasn’t doing anything crazy and it didn’t touch any where gross I just tested it in the side of my waistband and it didn’t even go through but then I remembered the originally my waistband was looser so then I just tested again on the side like nowhere near anywhere gross it was literally my hip of the waistband of my sweatpants and it still didn’t go through so I know my thoughts from earlier weren’t true. Well basically I’m scared now that the charger somehow got in a gross place when it really was just beside my hip and then it wasn’t my own phone charger somehow then I felt so guilty because I would’ve been contaminating someone else phone. So then I completely removed the phone charger and replaced it with a different one and again I saw if the charger would go in my hip like past my waistband and it literally didn’t and it didn’t go anywhere bad plus I was in the hallway I wasn’t hiding anything because I wasn’t doing anything crazy it was just in my waistband but now I feel like I did something gross and everything is contaminated

Well, I haven’t been on here in quite a while. My main theme is SOOCD with a little bit of ROCD and real event OCD. I have my spouts throughout the months where my OCD will pick up in the thoughts will pick up, but I do pretty good about just letting the thought be a thought and Moving on. But as it keeps going, and it won’t let up, I do get annoyed throughout the process and I have to remind myself that it’s just the OCD being OCD. Now the advice that I need and I’m sure I already have the answer to it, which is basically just let the thought be a thought but I guess I just need to hear that. I’m not the only person that goes through this sometimes my mind likes to go back to old friends past friends that I’m no longer close with her friends with it all, and it likes to ruminate, making me think that I had some sort of crush on them ( my friends are all the same sex and I’m straight ik that’s my so-ocd being a turd) when I know that’s not even the case or the truth. But like I said earlier when it doesn’t stop, it gets really annoying and irritating because I’ve moved on from these people, but my OCD likes to go back to them. Any advice would be great!! Also know that if you have any of the things that I have or just have OCD in general, you’re not alone you do get better. I promise I’ve gotten a lot better. I’m almost like 99.95% better don’t give up you got this!!

I’m going through a really bad flare up. I developed ocd many years ago when I had my first child. Postpartum ocd. I suffer from harm and pocd. At first I had mostly mental and some physical compulsions but the physical faded away pretty early on and i’ve just done mental compulsions since. My ocd was in remission for alot of years and if the ocd would pop up now and again, I was easily able to shrug it off and not engage. A few years ago I went through a stressful time in my life and the ocd came back to stay. At first it was bad but then it got better and has been pretty mild until now. It’s been really bad this week and the physical compulsions are even back. I never thought it would ever get this bad again. My ocd is making me doubt who I am and how I feel. I know it’s all ocd and not real or true but the ocd makes it feel so real that I can’t easily dismiss or disprove it. The more I try to disprove it the more real the ocd makes it feel. I’m really struggling and don’t know how to get back on track. I don’t have access to a therapist because there are no ocd specialists near me and my insurance doesn’t cover online therapy. That’s why i’m reaching out here. Has anyone been through a rough relapse? How can I get through and past this??

Hey everyone, it's been awhile since I had this app, but I'm trying to get better, and I think OCD is the largest factor for the reasons I'm not where I should be in life. I just turned 23 and I have a lot of problems, I'm trying to get a GED, which is something I should've done several years ago. I have a very rudimentary or vaugue understanding of how the world works around me. I also only have a vague or rudimentary understanding of the most important aspects of everyday life such as how the US government works and the federal, state, And local level, how the economy works, and personal finance and home economics subjects like taxes, credit, insurance etc, I currently work a fast food job and they have been cutting my hours because since it's getting colder, they don't sell as much food. I've been reflecting on my life and I've been thinking about what I've could've done over these past several years and I just feel really embarrassed and ashamed of my self, this also plays into the intrusive thoughts that I have, many of can be really abstract. I've been having thoughts about if performing whatever compulsions come into my head will turn me into a bad person, whether I'll ever be able to learn all the things necessary to function as an adult, etc. also over three years ago, I've had intrusive thoughts about my love for music, and when these thoughts came into my head, they told me that my love for music was an illusion, and that I never actually enjoyed music. Ever since I've had those thoughts I haven't enjoyed any music, and I actively listen to music hoping it will click and I'll start enjoying music again, no luck so far. That's been very devastating for me because music and has been a very big part of my life. I've always had a fear of my thoughts being true and they attack things i care about the most. Whenever I'm ruminating on those thoughts I keep thinking about whether maybe for a long time i was believing I was enjoying music but in reality I wasn't. But I don't know if that's true. I don't know whether those initial thoughts about never actually enjoying music were actually true, or just my brain playing tricks on me, all that I know is that since I've had those thoughts, I have experienceed that same type of pleasure listening to music that everyone else does. I want to like it, I find it engaging and interesting but the specific type of pleasure that you feel when listening to music is something that I'm not feeling. I'm hoping that case is that I actually was enjoying music before I had those thoughts and that those thoughts weren't true, but that looking for reassurance which kinda defeats the purpose of therapy. I'm hoping I can out logic those thoughts but I don't know. If anyone has any advice for me with dealing with these thoughts, and advice concerning learning and studying up for the GED and how to learn 101 courses at home for the various subjects i mentioned above I would love to hear it. As I've recently bought an Amsco AP US Government And Politics textbook, and an Economics for dummies book, and I plan on buying a personal finance or home economics book to learn from. I'm trying to manage my OCD symptoms and get my life together and I need help.

1. Thoughts about Not Loving My Boyfriend: • “What if I don’t love him?” • “I feel like I’ve lost my feelings for him.” • “I don’t feel love the way I used to.” 2. Fear of Changing or Being Different: • “What if I’ve changed and this is the real me now?” • “What if I’ve grown out of the relationship?” 3. Doubt About Attraction: • “I’m not attracted to him anymore.” • “I feel numb when I look at him.” 4. Thoughts of Disconnection and Irritation: • “I feel irritated when he shows affection.” • “I feel bored or disconnected when we talk.” • “Why do I feel like I can’t stand him sometimes?” 5. Fear of Denial: • “What if I’m in denial and I’m just pretending to love him?” • “What if all these thoughts are true?” 6. Fear of Being a Bad Person: • “I’m a terrible person for feeling this way.” • “I’m ruining my relationship and hurting him.” 7. General Anxiety About the Future: • “What if I’ll fall for someone else in the future?” • “What if I’ll never feel love again?” 8. Intrusive Thoughts from the Past: • “I had violent thoughts about my dad.” • “I worried I was a pedophile after seeing a video.” Feelings Associated with These Thoughts: 1. Numbness and Emotional Disconnection: • Feeling emotionally flat or unable to access love or joy. 2. Guilt and Shame: • Feeling like a bad person or partner. 3. Hopelessness and Despair: • Feeling like things will never get better. • Believing i am stuck this way forever. 4. Irritation and Frustration: • Getting annoyed when my boyfriend shows affection. 5. Fear and Panic: • Experiencing overwhelming anxiety when questioning my feelings. 6. Sadness and Confusion: • Crying frequently, feeling lost, or not understanding why i feel this way. Compulsions I Engage In: 1. Reassurance Seeking: • Constantly asking others if everything is okay or if your feelings are normal. 2. Researching and Googling: • Searching for answers about ROCD, anxiety, and relationships online. • Checking forums like the NOCD app for reassurance. 3. Mental Checking and Analysis: • Constantly checking if i feel love, attraction, or connection. • Analyzing every interaction and emotion to see if they’re “right.” 4. Confessing: • Telling your boyfriend or others about your thoughts to relieve guilt or doubt. 5. Avoidance: • Pulling back from conversations or interactions with my boyfriend due to anxiety. 6. Comparing: • Comparing your current feelings to how you used to feel at the beginning of the relationship. 7. Self-Criticism: • Judging yourself harshly and believing i am a terrible person. FEELING SO REAL I’m struggling with ROCD and it’s consuming me. My intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don’t love my boyfriend, that I’ve changed, or that I’m a terrible person. These thoughts make me feel numb, disconnected, and hopeless. My compulsions include constant reassurance-seeking, analyzing my feelings, researching online, and confessing my fears. It’s exhausting, and I’m desperate to feel like myself again. Does anyone relate to this? How do you cope?

I’ve been working on reframing my views on relationships because it has been getting in the way of enjoying my partner. I have these thoughts constantly that say what if you’re not best friends enough because you’re not constantly talking and laughing. You guys have differences that’s a bad thing. You should be the same person and always click no matter what’s going on. He should always make you feel over the moon and if you’re bored that must mean something is wrong. I’m learning that long term love isn’t always perfect. In fact nobody is ever perfect. Long term love is a choice and happens to come with feelings that ebb and flow. Of course i love my boyfriend but we don’t always see eye to eye. Sometimes were disconnected (especially if i have racing negative thoughts) sometimes he annoys me and sometimes i want to go do something he may not. None of this means anything besides that we are in a long term normal relationship. What’s more important than anything is that we show each other love, we put in effort into our connection, we share similar values and want nothing more than for the other to be happy. Once i can get past the little disconnect that comes (and will happen in a healthy relationship) without analyzing it for deeper meaning, the sooner I’ll be able to relax into our connection. If anyone has gone through this process when navigating a relationship past the honeymoon phase i would love to hear from you! with obsessive thinking and overanalyzing it makes navigating this stage more difficult and i don’t think people talk about it enough!

Hi. Does anyone here have experience with being in an interfaith relationship? Specifically Muslim Christian but any POV is appreciated. I am majorly overthinking things. I keep reading that these relationships don’t work and confuse children and the like. If anyone here has been or is in an interfaith relationship or is a product of one, please share your experience. Im worried that me not being Muslim and attempting to raise Muslim children with my boyfriend will backfire even tho I’m doing my best to learn about Islam and modesty both on the internet and from his sisters. We both want kids, we have thrown the idea of not having them out there but it wouldn’t be fair to him. It’s not an all consuming passion for me, I could be happy with or without kids. I know for him raising a child as Muslim is his responsibility. And I’m willing to be part of that I’m just scared. Before ROCD I had no concerns and thought “we’ll deal with it when we get there” but once it started it’s “what if we divorce after having kids, what if I mess up? What if they hate me and resent me and in turn he resents me? What if they’re queer (my boyfriend is not homophobic at all ever, he’s relatively chill with queer people just doesn’t know how to go about it and doesn’t feel too comfortable with it in his family (I’m bi and he’s ok with it))” stuff like that. We discussed the queer thing when I was in a horrible state of overthinking. There’s no way for me to know so I’m trying to sit with the uncertainty but I want answers so badly of what to do. Part of me feels like it’d be easier to end it so he can find a Muslim woman and life would be easy but the other part of me isn’t willing to let him go cuz I want to struggle. I want to learn and be part of his life like this. The difference of faith isn’t huge to me, it’s the same god, just different ways of looking at it. I have thought about Islam but I don’t have enough research under my belt to be able to consider it fully. My belief in god in general is weaker than his. It’s a beautiful religion and the modesty is gorgeous (I wanna steal his sisters’ abayas lol, also I’d I’m stuck on modesty, I have them to help me if I have a daughter with him) but I can’t consider it fully until I’m in a better head space. Also I barely know Arabic. All I have is duolingo Arabic lol. Honestly I’m willing to compromise, we have talked about holidays and I assume the sentiment will last till we have kids. Celebrate both holidays, no religious ties for Christmas which is fine, all I want is to spend time with him and my family. Halloween is a no go which is fine, I’m growing out of it and just want the makeup and discount candy lol. Easter we haven’t talked about but honestly, discount eggs are fine. I’d celebrate Ramadan with him, fast if I’m able/want to, Eid as well. I do want this relationship to last and work. I’m just scared of it. I don’t know a single person in my situation (well. My friend’s uncle married a Christian but idk if it was before or after they had kids, same with my bf’s uncle, he married 2 actually, the one he’s currently with has her own kids so they didn’t have to worry about faith issues) so I come to the people of this app for some assistance. I was a little nervous about the difference before but now it’s a lot and I’m worried it’s a genuine cause for concern to end the relationship. I don’t think it is. We’ve discussed it and I’m happy with the arrangement.