I wanted to come on here and explain my OCD because I always feel so out of place since my OCD works a little differently than everyone elseās. If someone can relate to this, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! Iāve always felt so alone with not knowing what this feeling is and why it affects me so much.
Okay so ever since I was a toddler, Ive had a fear of change I canāt control. when the weather changes Iād have anxiety attacks, and a cloudy day would make me feel like iām not myself. I donāt recognize my surroundings and I would cry and close my eyes until Iām back to normal. When it was still bright out at 8pm in the summer, as a kid, weād go to bed at 8:30. But Iād tell my dad that I couldnāt go to bed. Not because of the sun, but because I wasnāt used to it. I vividly remember how different my room would feel when the sun was setting at 9pm. I hated it to the point where itād make me anxious and scared.
As Iāve grown, Iāve understood what causes me to feel so out of place when itās a rainy day.
My routine has always been the same for the most part: I wake up, I run to the store to get a monster, I clean/watch tv/work/hangout with friends, and then at night (which is crucial), Iām in bed around 10pm & I burn incense and watch tv for a bit until iām ready to sleep. When things get in the way of that schedule, I go in panic mode.
Itās almost like derealization when something is off in my normal routine. Like I feel like Iām in a different home, a different timeline, a dream almost. Since iām older, It takes more for me to feel this way, but when I was younger, just watching a movie in my room would set me off because Iāve never watched a movie as a part of my routine.
I know this is all over the place but I always wonder if everyone feels this way, but my OCD just intensifies it. Itās such a big part of my life, this sort of anxiety. And I donāt know how to get rid of it.
I want to have my friends stay the night, but I canāt have people overnight in my room because itāll change the whole āvibeā of the room. Something unfamiliar happening in my room is a nightmare for me.
Another thing: I enjoy rearranging my room quite often and I figure thatās because Itās change I can control. But I always dread the night after itās changed and I have to force myself into getting used to how it feels and being used to the way things are. But it really takes a toll on me; sometimes I end up crying because of it.
ALSO! This affects relationships as well. If Iām in a relationship, I have to let in someone who has never been apart of my routine and my schedule before and thatās terrifying and almost impossible to get past. I know if I just let myself get used to the new feeling of having someone APART of my routine/schedule I can get used to it, but itās harddd.
Lastly, going overnight to peopleās houses isnāt awful for me, because It doesnāt affect whatās mine. Does that make sense? Since Iām not in my room, my house, my backyard, etc, thereās nothing to change. Only the fact that iām in a different place which used to be an issue, but my body/mind has accepted that I will go to different places and iām very optimistic so iām not one to just live in a bubble for the rest of my life. I would love to travel, but I donāt know how I could when I fear so much change. I leave for college soon and iām DREADING the change because I know a whole different room is going to have me stressing šš.
If anyone understands this feeling even just by a little, I greatly appreciate if you leave a comment or even if u donāt relate, advice would be helpful:) Thank you!